John Carter is a Movie About a Man Named John Carter, According to John Carter

John Carter, the instantly infamous Disney bomb and possible co-assassin of Taylor Kitsch's career, sees its home-video release this week. It's kind of worth checking out just for the disastrous spectacle of it all, but if you're busy and don't want to watch two-plus hours of a multi-pronged civil war on Mars (aka…
Is Taylor Kitsch's Blockbuster Movie Career Already Over?
2012: The year that Hollywood took a chance on Taylor Kitsch and failed miserably. John Carter cost an estimated $250 in production alone and returned about $72 million domestically since its March 9 release. Battleship opened this past weekend to the lowest domestic opening numbers ever for a film with a budget with…
Battleshit
As if they aren't inherently bad enough, my recent Mondays have been exceptionally unpleasant. Three Mondays ago, I spent my night interviewing shady and unengaged drag queen contestants of the most recent season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Two Mondays ago, I was shoehorned into a sceney party thrown by a sceney magazine…
John Carter Proves No Match for The Lorax
The much-hyped John Carter didn't exactly live up to box office expectations, earning only $9.8 million on Friday. Although it stands to take in a more respectable $27 million through the weekend, that's still chump change compared to the $250 million the studio threw down to make it.
Battleship: Rihanna Is the New G.I. Jane
Here is the second trailer for Peter Berg's Battleship, and boy oh boy does this one stink to high heaven already. But watch closely, friends, because there is an extra special treat in this trailer. Do you see her? That's right, it's Rihanna! On a ship! In a bona fide movie!
John Carter: A Hunky Earthling Takes Over Mars
The only thing I like more than a special effects-heavy sci-fi action movie set is a special effects-heavy sci-fi action movie where the male protagonists don't wear shirts. Behold John Carter, where stunningly topless Taylor Kitsch fights crazy creatures, little green men, and the hordes of women (and gays) that…
