Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

• It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
• Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
• Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
• While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
• Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
• The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
• The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
• The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
• Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
• And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

• Taylor Swift applied the final throttle to her death-grip hold over entertainment last night, sweeping the Country Music Association Awards. According to The Envelope awards site, at 19, Swift became the youngest person in history to take home the Entertainer of the Year trophy (actually the full name for the award is Coveted Entertainer of the Year Trophy.) She is also only the sixth female in history to take that top prize. While she was at it, Swift grabbed the Female Vocalist, Album of the Year and Music Video of the Year prizes. With her goliath of an album still selling, positive buzz from SNL appearance and the lingering sympathy from her Kayne debacle, entertainment stands at a crossroads from where Swift will either become the only star in show business, or be destroyed by a vicious backlash, no doubt led by cheer captains fed up with this bleacher-sitting, t-shirt wearing nerd thinking she owns this place. Paris Hilton, are you still out there? [The Envelope]

• We have a new video game overlord. The latest Call of Duty (Call of Duty 2: Modern Warfare) sold 4.7 million games on its first day out. That would be $310 million dollars in sales. In one day. Take that James Cameron. [Hollywood Reporter]

• The NFL has declared itself happy with its current line-up of TV deals, with Giants owner Steve Tisch saying at a media conference, "Right now, we feel DirecTV as the exclusive partner is really in the consumers' best interest." [Hollywood Reporter]

• Show biz's most hallowed name MGM, is headed for a fire sale. After a catastrophic few years, the company's debt holders have reportedly demanded it be auctioned off to the highest bidder. [Variety]

• Taking the next step forward in Robert Iger's full-on shake up of the entire Disney studio operation, newly installed Chairman Rich Ross announced a re-org of his team, making the various department heads report directly to him. Still to come: the much anticipated announcement of a new marketing chief. [Variety]

• Like it or not, more Fockers are heading your way. Harvey Keitel has joined the cast of the latest installment of the Meet the Parents cycle, hilariously titled Little Fockers. [Hollywood Reporter]

The worst thing is that hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood did different versions of the same joke twice, like an old drunk man who is convinced that it's only because people didn't hear clearly that they didn't laugh. Next year I believe they're planning a series of jokes about Milli Vanilli, followed by a medley on the similarities between Ice Ice Baby and Under Pressure. Here's the video, via the Daily Beast.

• This has sexy potential. Robert Pattinson describes the glorious moment he first came face-to-face with the man of his dreams, Zac Efron: "He was a really cool guy. That was one of the first times I'd ever been star-struck, but just because his face is so specific, it's kind of surreal." Since I was only able to locate one picture of them together in the history of wire images [fig.1, below], I'm pretty sure they didn't actually bang, but, sigh, let's pretend. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Former The City star Erin Lucas has a lesbian kiss with Israeli model Adi Neumann in some movie they're in together. [fig.2] "I popped my cherry on camera. How appropriate," said the gay-for-screen-time Lucas. [P6]
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• Mike Tyson was detained at LAX last night for assaulting a paparazzo. Tyson punched the guy in the face so hard the photog had to be hospitalized. Both parties claimed it was the other one's fault, so the LAPD arrested both. No word the status of either of their ears. [LAT]
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• Carrie Prejean's ex-boyfriend—the one she sent that masturbatory video to—told TMZ that the former Miss California asked him to lie about the video and say she was an underage seventeen-year-old in it, when actually, she was twenty. And, hey, did he mention he has some other pictures of Carrie that he would like to sell to you, now? Because he does. In one of them, she's kind of showing her butt. [TMZ]
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• "I feel like I'm in a dream," said awestruck country music nymph Taylor Swift after she became the Country Music Association's youngest-ever Entertainer of the Year. Taylor won all four categories she was nominated in. And her new boyfriend's really cute. Some girls get all the breaks. [LAT]
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• Lil' Kim skipped a court date and blamed it on a nosebleed. I can't decide if this story is about lying or about cocaine. [TMZ]
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• Simon Cowell is the highest-earning man on American television, taking home a cool $75 million last year. In second place was Donald Trump ($50 million), who must feel like such a chump sandwiched between Cowell and Ryan Seacrest ($38 million) in the earnings list. [ShowBizSpy]
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  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
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• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
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• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
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• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
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• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
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• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
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• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
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• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
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• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
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• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

First off, let's talk rules. From a commenter, on our last SNL Digest:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Don't be that guy. Onward:

Taylor Swift's opening monologue: self-depreciating about writing superficial songs ("songs about douchebags who cheat on me, LA LA LA LA LA"), talking shit on Joe Jonas, Kanye West, and more or less totally came out publicly about dating Twilight star Taylor Lautner, and inspiring an audience singalong. She was crazy-charismatic and pulled it off with a fair amount of flair. This was, for what it's worth, how every one of them should be done.

The cold open was a take on Fox News, with Greta Van Susteren, Shep Smith—played by Bill Hader, somewhat homoerotically—Karl Rove, Joe Trippi, etc, but it was mostly a play on the personalities that weren't anything special (besides Hader's Shep Smith). Jason Sudekis tried to do Glenn Beck, but to properly make fun of Glenn Beck via Sketch Comedy, you're going to have to get racier than this:

Weaksauce. But back to Taylor:

She also did plenty of riffs on how young she is, including this perfectly timed short commercial with her wearing headgear braces, which is the kind of visual indignation most SNL potential diva guest hosts won't run with:

One of her three big celebrity impersonations, Kate Gosselin was a little stilted, even with the "Kate Gosselin, emphatically talking" running joke, but was, for the most part, funny. As is watching Keenan Thompson dressed up as Whoopi Goldberg, which is absurd visual humor, and yeah, an easy sight gag, but one with a decent payoff. Any sketch that involves a panel of people often runs too long, though, and this one was no exception. The last minute drags on a little.

There was a bizarre, boring sketch involving BBQ and Swine Flu jokes that's not really worth watching. The night's big viral moment's going to go to the Digital Short, which is a play on Twilight, with Frankensteins. Especially priceless was the dead-eyed look Bill Hader plays the Robert Pattenson-character (Frankenstein) with, and the flaky melodrama of Kristen Stewart that Taylor Swift kinda nailed.

As she did with her Shakira impersonation, which isn't on Hulu. Fast-forward to 1:25, you'll get the gist. It was an otherwise patently dumb sketch about a movie involving bunnies, with a soundtrack.

Except this skit, which involved lots of screaming, about two officers teaching juvie inmates lessons via dated pop culture references. Six minutes, for this? Someone in the writers' room is letting their assistant do more than carry the coffee. Come on:

Less screaming! Kenan, the crazy-eyes are funny, but every time SNL puts on a screechy sketch, most people walk away. You don't need to violate our hearing capabilities to do big humor. What happened to shock value? The key to this episode was playing The Taylor Swift Angle at every possible moment-who she is, what she is, why she's different-which is why it was kinda surprising to see Kanye West not cameo on a skit with her. Then again, they nailed it with this, which is how some hyperactive post-college roommates kind of actually talk. I know these girls, you know?

Terrifying, funny, nuanced. Weekend Update was fairly boring other than a drop-in from Amy Poehler on Goldman Sachs getting Swine Flu vaccines from the CDC. Two minutes and sixteen seconds of complete Goldman Sachs raging. Just long enough, just enough indignation, and completely to the point:

The only other skit worth mentioning was the Entertainment Tonight spoof. Celebrity news broadcast journalists really are this insane.

Big complaint: Andy Samberg was incredibly underused this week—why?—but other than that, not bad at all! If the show used all their guest hosts like this, if they were all as good, we'd watch more. The writing still desperately needs work, and Saturday Night Life needs to forget being more family friendly. So far, Jenny Slate saying "fuck" is still as edgy as this season's been, and this is a show with a legacy most of us would rather not see be any more sullied.

Either way, suck it, Joe Jonas. Taylor Swift did a better job than anyone in recent memory, and definitely, this season; SNL, learn quickly, your performer-host double-threats like Swift (and Justin Timberlake) seem to be natural fits lately. And they have catchy songs, too! Take it out, Taylor Swift.

What'd we think?

• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

Taylor doesn't seem to hold a big grudge, nor does she seem particularly wounded, but she did say that Kanye has not reached out to her personally...and that he's welcome to do so.

Update: Kanye just called her.

ABC News' Terry Moran interviewed was listening to CNBC's interview with Obama today and, during an off-the-record exchange, Obama called West a "jackass" for interrupting Swift's big moment last night. And, as an intrepid reporter, Moran posted the verbal bitch slap on Twitter. Whoops! The White House totally smacked Moran down and ABC News was forced to release this statement:

In the process of reporting on remarks by President Obama that were made during a CNBC interview, ABC News employees prematurely tweeted a portion of those remarks that turned out to be from an off-the-record portion of the interview. This was done before our editorial process had been completed. That was wrong. We apologize to the White House and CNBC and are taking steps to ensure that it will not happen again.

Um, whatever. The President should be able to have an opinion on such a pop cultural happening. He's made no secret that he's hip. And, as an American, he should be able to speak out on West's utter stupidity. In fact, it's his duty. If you're not against West, you're a terrorist. Obama, are you a terrorist?

Well, we're a little more civilized than that, but we're up for some spirited debate.

Moylan: As Guest of Guest points out, the whole things seems too good to be true, and too many people benefit. Everyone has sympathy for Swift, everyone loves Beyoncé (more), everyone thinks Kayne is (more of) a dick, and everyone is talking about MTV for the first time in a long time. Sure, it wasn't as obviously planned and Madonna kissing Britney Spears, but with a little bit of acting and canny planning, this is a publicity masterpiece.

Rushfield: Well that is the most half-baked argument I have ever heard. As any scientist or detective can tell you, motive alone is not enough to convict for a crime. Yes, MTV likes controversy, but their fake controversies in the past—eg. Bruno falling on Eminem—ham-handedly telegraph "this is a stunt" a mile off. Last night, you saw a moment of genuine awkwardness production-wise after Kanye took the mic when the booth seemed to stumble and be unsure about cutting away—not the hallmark of a pre-planned, pre-coreographed stunt.

Moylan: But why Swift so readily give up the mic? And how did Kanye get such easy access to the stage? I think it all started on the red carpet, where Kanye was conspicuously drinking from a bottle of booze and Beyoncé was talking up how she hoped that Swift would "get her moment" at the awards. It all just seems like foreshadowing for the unfortunate event. As for the production, well, WWE has been pulling stunts like this and making them look real(ish) for years.

Rushfield: Brian Moylan, your conspiratorial mind is seeing shadows everywhere. Why did she give up the mic so readily? First, she's a teenage girl, probably in a daze at the greatest moment of her life. Suddenly, there is Kanye West in her face grabbing her at hand, would you put up a fight? If that were me and I was a teenage Taylor I would just be shocked and think he was about to do some tribute to me or make a speech about Michael Jackson or something. The conspicuously drinking—well, its not the first time Kanye has done that either. Beyoncé wishing Taylor well does create a very neat circle, but a bit too neat to be planned.

If you were going to set this up as a stunt, would you really throw in a foreshadow like that? And why shouldn't she wish Taylor well. Just because your heart is filled with a hate for a young Southern girl who is the first non-tramp role model America's teenage girls have had in a decade, doesn't mean Beyoncé's heart is also made of coal. What needs to be examined here, Brian Moylan, is why you are so committed to locking the sunlight out of your life. To paraphrase Kelly Clarkson, in her letter to Kanye, What happened to you as a child Brian Moylan?

Moylan: It's not about what happened to me as a child, but what has happened to the celebrity industrial complex in my scant years on the planet. We have entered an age where every word that comes out of a celebrity's mouth, every outfit they wear, every Starbuck Mocha Frappachino they are photographed with by the paparazzi has prescripted, chosen, or placed. Every moment that we see in regards to the famous has been carefully planned out by professionals to make people money and to make all those teenage girls clamoring for a virgin queen like Taylor Swift buy more albums or her fragrance or House of Dereon jeans or Mocha Frappachinos. In a universe where everything is fake and for sale how can anything—from Kanye's outrage, to Taylor's sadness, to Beyoncé's righteousness—be genuine. Mr. Rushfield sees a magic bullet, but I see a man on the grassy knoll.

Rushfield: You make some important points and somewhat shame me in my wide-eyed innocence. But I think your argument is ultimately too cynical and not cynical enough. My basic rule of showbiz is that if things go perfectly, its by accident. Especially on a big live production, there are too many mix-ups, confusions and chaos for things to really fall into place like that. You are comparing it to the sparkling surface of Nivea ad on a bus bench, but in a live production environment, you never get anything that shiny. And besides, isn't it just a better world if you can just turn off your mind and just believe that last night a little blonde southern girl got the moment of her life ruined for her by a drunken hip-hop artist but then was saved by the Good Witch Beyoncé? Isn't that a happier place for us all to live?

In a bit of a surprise, singer Taylor Swift won the Best Female Video for her track "You Belong With Me." Sure, many of us aren't familiar with this 19-year old country girl's entertainment outputs, but that's really no excuse for Mr. West, a man so consumed by his own fame that he has no respect for fellow travelers in the starosphere, to take the mic and declare Beyonce and her silly "All The Single Ladies" video the real winner. "Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," he declared, although that's wrong on more than one level.

Honestly, Kayne, you look like an asshole. More so than usual. This poor girl had a moment to shine and, as is apparent by her reaction, you stole that and ruined what should have been a proud moment. That's mean and childish and you should be publicly shamed. Oh, wait. Your own fame guarantees that. Good.

As for Beyonce. She looked somewhat appalled, albeit under the guise of self-conscious humility. Well done, Ms. Knowles. And especially well done for inviting Swift to the stage when you won the video of the year award. A bit of class in an otherwise ugly world.

The Lady will perform on September 13 at this year's MTV Video Music Awards, and she's planning something big. In an interview with Newsweek's Ramin Setoodeh, she says: "I'm going to be performing one of the most recent singles off my album. But it's going to be a different and more dramatic interpretation. And it is most certainly rooted in New York-style performance art." Setoodeh asks — and who could blame him — "What does that mean?"

Gaga explains:

It's less of me singing the song, and more of an art installation. A performance-art piece. It's very well-designed and thought out, and we've been planning it for months and months. It is for me a very meaningful performance, [for] where I am in my career, as well as the experiences I've had, as well as the co-headlining tour I'm going on in the fall. […] I sort of have this philosophy about things: there's never a reason to do something unless it's going to be memorable, unless it's going to change things, unless it's going to inspire a movement. With the song and with the performance, I hope to say something very grave about fame and the price of it.

Does that clear anything up? Hell no. But even more cryptic is her answer to the question, "what are you going to wear?"

I would say that the fashion for the performance is a representation of the most stoic and memorable martyrs of fame in history. It's intended to be an iconic image that represents people. I think after watching the performance and maybe studying it after you watch it on YouTube, you'll see the references and the symbols come through.

And, when talking about her lighting scheme, Ms. Gaga says: "I like it to be moody. I like it to evoke an idea more than light my face. It's not about what you see. It's about what you don't see, and sometimes that vacant space can be very scary."

Perhaps you find it tiring to hear about her "philosophy," her "art," "symbols" and "meaning." Maybe it would be easier if she just said, "I'm going to dress like Joan of Arc. It's gonna be dope." But the other women topping the chart right now? Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. Those two aren't exactly… interesting.

Back when that song "Beautiful" was all over the radio, a DJ friend of mine once said, "The devil didn't invent rock and roll for James Blunt." And I can't help but agree, as a woman raised on filthy Prince lyrics, Madonna writhing to "Like A Virgin" (at the VMAs!) and sexual innuendo in George Michael hits. Lots of people can sing. Lots of people write songs. Pop music should be more that that. Not a lot of people sing well, or write catchy songs; Lady Gaga does both. But more importantly: Lady Gaga makes it exciting. Titillating, unexpected. With Muppet coats, teacups, awful (untrue) hermaphrodite rumors and general pantslessness. Without her, pop would be a bland landscape right now. And think about it: People mocked what David Bowie and KISS wore, too. In addition, she uses her Haus of Gaga to "propel" friends and young designers into the spotlight, using her fame to further their careers.

You might think Lady Gaga is pretentious, a phony. But if she is, it's as someone once said of Holly Golightly: She's a real phony… She honestly believes all this phony junk that she believes. Asked, "How old were you when you first wanted to be famous?" Lady Gaga replies:

I think I was in my mother's womb. But it's not about fame, you see. It's about "The Fame." It's about a life of glamour. I believe in a glamorous life.

Lady Gaga Will Rock the VMAs [Newsweek]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
Before The Teacup & Blonde Wig, Pants Were Still A Problem
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Lady Gaga Visits The View

• Andrew Young is testifying in front of a grand jury as to whether or not John Edwards used campaign funds to keep Rielle Hunter quiet, or as the legal categorization would have it, "Baby Mama Hush Slush." [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Chelsea Clinton's wedding on Martha's Vineyard is going to be at Vernon Jordan's estate in late August, as previously reported. We're saving the date and waiting for our invite. We should probably not hold our breathing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mugatu-esque German designer Karl Lagerfeld got some talk-to-the-hand from Heidi Klum's publicist, who says that the German Vogue issue with Klum on the cover (with an apparent 140-page spread inside) sold more issues than any other. None of this matters, because Lagerfeld is still kind of a scary Mugatu-esque asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh noez! Ron Weasley (Muggle name: Rupert Grint) has the Swine Flu. Gawker exclusive: Weasley was taken to Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing of Hogwarts were they tried to use some healing potions to no avail. Then then had to ship him off on the Hogwarts Express back to Central London, where he became just another awesome celebrity case of Swine Flu. He is now better, and has flown back to the set of re-enactment documentary Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Meanwhile, Hermione Granger (Muggle name: Emma Watson) is keeping her relationship with Weasley under wraps as she publicly announces her plans to attend Columbia University in New York, where I will attempt to charm her with my Muggle blogging skills Brown University in Rhode Island, where she will come into contact with a bunch of Jewish Hipsters who she will hate because she didn't go to Columbia, in New York, a far more magical place than Rhode Island. It will probably fail miserably. Also, Harry Potter (Muggle Name: Daniel Radcliffe) won't date Emma Watson because it'd be too weird for them. Good to know the competition is thinning out. [Daily News, Showbiz Spy, Just Jared]
  
  
• Otis! My man! Tobey Maguire's kid has a name, and thy Spider Man spawn's name is Otis. People has the inside dirt on the middle name, too. [People]
  
  
• Rumer WIllis is going to be a lesbian on 90210. I hate that show and thus you will get no elaboration on what's probably a tragically bad, sub-par attempt at Gossip Girl's ingenious stunt casting. I'm sorry Rumer Willis, but you're no Wallace Shawn. You just aren't. [Daily News]
  
  
• Courtney Love trashed her hotel room at The Inn on Irving Place. Have you ever seen The Inn on Irving Place? It's the closest thing downtown has to a Bed and Breakfast. Like, jesus, Courtney Love: trash The Bowery Hotel. Located conveniently near the old CBGB space, you can relive memories of when that kind of thing was cool in bougie style while throwing things off your balcony at legitimately hot celebrities drinking in Bowery's backyard. Trash the Maritime and throw things out of those weird porthole windows. Trash the douche-magnet Hotel Gansevoorte - seriously, people would love that. Trash DeNiro's Greenwich Hotel or SoHo's Mercer Hotel, which were practically constructed for celebrity destruction. But The Inn at Irving? Are you raging a war on cuteness? Also, you know trashing hotel rooms is, like, so 1999 when Scott Weiland, Marilyn Manson, and the rest o your Home for Formerly Addicted Friends from The Crow soundtrack or whatever aren't doing it anymore. Seriously, old lady, put it on ice and chill the fuck out. You're already inches from this as is. [Page Six]
  
  
• There are 210 diamonds on the ring Kevin Jonas gave to his bride-to-be. Even I'm sitting at home with a gallon of ice cream, crying. We can haz inadequacies? There was also a small engagement party none of us were invited to. They went out for Pizza. [People and Pink Is The New Blog]
  
  
• Levi Johnston, shopping a book. I laugh loudly every time I see mention of Tank, his multi-faceted bodyguard/publicist whose name is Tank. He also does birthday parties. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon doesn't want Clooney or Pitt to take home the People's Sexiest Man Alive three-peat. Instead he's lobbying for Hugh Jackman. I'm still lobbying for Robert Gibbs. [People]
  
  
• Kelsey Grammer is already making jokes about the short-lived, massively underrated sitcom Back To You. [Page Six]
  
  
• Taylor Swift used to pick up Sparklers on the wrong end and burn herself as a child. SWOON. She can do no wrong. [People]
  
  
• Lewis Black believes in the power of the word "fuck." He notes that it's essentially a punctuation mark to many New Yorkers. This is one of those things that isn't "funny because it's true" so much as simply being true. The kind of true thing you hear, and you're like, yeah, what of it? [Page Six]

· Lawyers for Fox and Warners spent 30 minutes in Judge Gary Feess's chambers Monday, where the Watchmen negotiators all agreed to bring Rorshach-thieving Michael Jackson on as a co-defendant to help lighten WB's burden. [THR]
· Hustle & Flow filmmaker and all-around Southernsploitation firebrand Craig Brewer is attached to write and direct Mother Trucker, about a prison escapee who steals a big-rig en route to visit his dying mother. [THR]
· Attention Oscar completists! This year's Academy Award-nominated short films will receive a theatrical release in a single program starting Feb. 6. And for the lazy/cheap among you, you can find them on iTunes starting Feb. 17. [Variety]
· Animal Planet announced plans for new shows Animal Armageddon, River Monsters and Beverly Hills Groomer. You probably won't watch them. [Variety]

But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.

I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

(Then there's "bonus Jonas" Frankie (a/k/a "Frank the Tank"), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)

Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It's About Time.

II. KNOW THEIR CANON

This week's A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers' third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It's About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits "Burnin' Up" and "Pushin' Me Away" each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.

Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus's Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel's most influential draws. (Nick and Miley's eventual romance was its own drama, but we'll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.

III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES

The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including "Choice Summer Song" for "Burnin' Up" and a three-way tie for "Choice Hottie." Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:

"THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like "NOW I'M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I'M JUST BREATHELESS!" AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can't have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!

IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE

Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for "Burnin' Up":

V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES

Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe's birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.

You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:

VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE

The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother's wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.

· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.

· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.

· Kevin Jonas's favorite food is sushi.

· Nick claims to have written the brothers' hit "S.O.S." in 10 minutes.

· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching "Burnin' Up" on YouTube.

· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on "Burnin' Up."

Again, we're new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.