In addition to loving to see Time Warner under his control, Turner tells Bloomberg, he would specifically like to have CNN and Cartoon Network brass call him boss. The cause-drawn mogul has become increasingly critical of CNN's "tabloid" attitude and again says that he would like to see the channel, which he founded in 1980, increase its international news coverage. Or, at least, stop featuring so much "fluff." What, like the balloon boy?

As for Cartoon Network: Turner insists kids don't need Superman's silly sense of honor and heroics. No, they need important lessons, like those espoused by the environmentally-friendly Captain Planet, who, by the way, was really very awesome. But we digress.

Turner's never been one to keep things simple, so he also muses about those evil, wasteful newspapers: "You're chopping all these trees down and making paper out of them and trying to deal with all the waste paper. It's the biggest solid waste problem that we have." So, even though likes Murdoch's Wall Street Journal, we're assuming Turner would like to see all news online, which could, some may argue, only increase electrical consumption and a new type of waste.

This is all well and good, but Turner doesn't understand that even if we do cleanse the earth of pollution, war and all that nasty shit, then his preferred networks will have no programming. It's a classic 21st century media mogul's Catch-22.

• Gossip Girl actress Kelly Rutherford filed a restraining order against her soon-to-be ex-husband. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jude Law won't be meeting his new daughter until Christmas. How sweet. [3am]
  
  
• Lily Allen's record company won't let her retire. Shame. [3am]
  
  
• Jacko once claimed that Madonna was jealous of him and how mothers wanted him to hold their babies. [Page Six]
  
  
• Joe Francis and Khloe Kardashian's soon-to-be hubby are the best of friends. Sadly [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something novel: a convict has filed a lawsuit against America's Most Wanted king John Walsh because Walsh called said convict a "snitch." Hey, that's a bad word. [TMZ]
  
  
• Don't be fooled by Hollywood magic. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey were not having the time of their lives while filming Dirty Dancing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Stupid UN! You made Clive Owen late to dinner. Useless. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ted Turner gets no respect: wait staff at his restaurant don't even recognize him. [Page Six]
  
  
• Those poor children! Britney Spears and K-Fed now have basically 50/50 custody of their tots. [TMZ]

"How many people lost money on their Time Warner stock?" Many hands went up. "How many people think I could've done a worse job than the management did? I got asked that question last night and I said I don't think I could've done any worse, that's for sure."

Jeff Bercovici also made sure to quote the following, not that he was trying to imply anything:

Turner defended groudhogs against the calumny that they are a danger to cows, who stumble into their burrow holes. "Cows don't fall in the holes. That's a bunch of beans."

[Mixed Media]

Turner's relatives told 60 Minutes he contemplated suicide following his divorce from Jane Fonda, who had become a Christian without telling him about it before he found out via the media. And the mogul himself said he no longer thinks he is bipolar and should not have been on lithium for a few years.

It helps Turner's case, no doubt, that he is devoid of current media holdings, keeping any unwise deeds safely in the past, and is well into the philanthropic stage of his life. And by bringing his biographer as a contractor rather than an independent party, he has avoided the sort of messy controversy that dogged the sanctioned bio of Murdoch by Michael Wolff. Perhaps Murdoch should have paid more attention at his amend-making lunch with Turner — he might have learned a few things.

(The video up top ends with Turner proving himself not insane but instead a congenital mogul, possessing an affliction endemic to the breed: confusing large sums of money.)

Here's our second-favorite passage:

I was jealous in life. I admit it. I would admit it to her. But it was because of my connection to her. I would explain that. When we held each other, I had no past at all, no present but her body, no future but to lie there and not let her go. I was an egg hatched beneath her crouching body, I entered as a chick into her wet sky of a body, and all that I wished was to sit on her shoulder and fluff my feathers and lay my head against her cheek, my neck exposed to her hand.

And then the cracker [as the parrot has dubbed the lover, who is also described as having "a thick Georgia truck-stop accent" ] comes around the corner. He wears only his rattlesnake boots. I take one look at his miserable, featherless body and shake my head. We keep our sexual parts hidden, we parrots, and this man is a pitiful sight. "Peanut," I say.

That email, intended strictly for those who personally know Elizabeth and me, was to explain an event that, if not explained, would be spun in ways that would unfairly make Elizabeth look bad. It had its intended effect around Tallahassee and in some other places where she and I are actual human beings. The sad thing about your sneeringly printing this in a blog is that both of us are easily dehumanized. Which, of course, is your point. Dehumanization is the essential ingredient for the daily pleasure of gossipers and gawkers. What a creepy little circle-jerk of self-righteousness you're running.

• Britney Spears put soda in her kids' baby bottles and then tried to get a dentist to whiten their little teeth. [Us]
  
• And also she threatened to kill a photographer. [TMZ]
  
• Model-heiress Lydia Hearst says that designer Roberto Cavalli's Florentine villa "looks like it must be a hundred years old." Omg, model-heiresses are dumb. [NYO]
  
• Jilted author Robert Olen Butler, whose wife Elizabeth Dewberry left him to join Ted Turner's harem, is surprised that his nutty divorce-explainer email is getting so much attention from the internet. "Elizabeth and I are not Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston," he told Page Six. So true, especially the part about him not being Brad Pitt. Page Six also reports that "the white-haired mogul also took Dewberry as his date to the May premiere of "Georgia Rule," which starred Turner's ex-wife, Jane Fonda." Wow, Page Sixers are such sleuths! [Page Six]
  
• Uma Thurman's new bf is a Swiss banker named Arky Busson who is Elle MacPherson's baby daddy. [Page Six]

Earlier: Elizabeth Dewberry Left Robert Olen Butler To Join Ted Turner's Collection
[via WireImage]

Rumors will soon be swirling around the department, so I want to tell the full and nuanced story to the five of you among the graduate students and ask that you clarify the issues for any of your fellow grad students who ask. This sort of thing can get wildly distorted pretty quickly. You can feel free to use any part or all of this email to do so. I really appreciate your help.

Put down your cup of coffee or you might spill it.

Elizabeth is leaving me for Ted Turner.

She and I will remain the best of friends. She also knows about, endorses, and even encourages that I tell this much detail of the story:
She has spoken openly in her work and in her public life of the fact that she was molested by her grandfather from an early age, a molestation that was known and tacitly condoned by her radically Evangelical Christian parents. She then went into a decade-long abusive marriage. I met her when she was in a terminally desperate state from this lifetime of abuse, and we married and we truly loved each other.

I was able to help her a great deal. She says I saved her life. But de facto therapy as the initial foundation of a marriage eventually sucks the life out of a relationship. And it is very common for a woman to be drawn to men who remind them of their childhood abusers. Ted is such a man, though fortunately, he is far from being abusive. From all that I can tell, he is kind to her, loyal, considerate, and devoted to his family, and perhaps, therefore, he can redeem some things for her.

Further, Elizabeth has never been able to step out of the shadow of the Pulitzer. As you know-and she knows-I have been an avid admirer and supporter of her work. Everyone has heard me proclaim my sincere high regard for her as an artist. I often did this publicly. But she has published two brilliant novels since she's been with me and neither has gotten anywhere near the recognition that they richly deserve. That made it harder and harder for her to live with the ongoing praise and opportunity that flows to a Pulitzer winner. Not because of jealousy. She has always been very happy for me. But the multitude of small reflections of regard that came my way inevitably threw a spotlight on the absence of those expressions of regard for her. She felt as if she was failing as a writer.

Then, in March, she nearly died from an intestinal blockage in Argentina while on a trip with Ted. The trauma of that led her further to profoundly question her own identity. It became clear to her that the only way she can truly find herself is by making this change in her life.

She will not be Ted's only girlfriend. Ted is permanently and avowedly non-monogamous. But though he has several girlfriends, it is a very small number, and he does not take them up lightly and he gives them his absolute support when he does. And Elizabeth's leaving me is as much about the three weeks a month she is alone as it is about the week a month she is with Ted. She will find her own space and her own light in which to create the great works of art she is destined to create.

I will keep my house. I will keep my dogs and cats. I will keep virtually everything. She is being characteristically generous about that. But I will lose Elizabeth. And that is very sad. But the loss has been happening through many years of our shared struggle to make her whole. In that, I've done all I can do, as has she. I wish her the best. I ask you not to think ill of her in any way.

Elizabeth and I will now conduct ourselves as if this is public knowledge. So as I suggested at the outset, you need not keep this to yourself, if the occasion arises to speak of it to someone. This is best anyway, since I am not up to the task of telling this story over and over.
I have a high regard and affection for the students in our program. I hope this will help them sort out this rather intense story in an appropriate way.
Best,
Bob Butler

Ted Turner - Ah, Murdoch's first big American kill. One could lay the blame for CNN creator Turner's ultimate biz demise more properly at the feet of Time Warner, but Turner vs. Murdoch was too classic a matchup not to believe in. The conservative, rapacious Australian tabloid mogul versus his bizarro-world counterpart — an American redneck news hawk with liberal, philanthropic delusions of grandeur. These days, Turner can only seethe about Murdoch's lack of charity, when it's pretty certain that Turner would be more than willing to cross the street to kick him.

Dennis Potter - The grim reaper's touch has placed the caustic British TV dramatist beyond Murdoch's vengeful reach. That must be particularly galling, since in a 1994 interview shortly before his death, Potter famously noted that he had named his cancerous tumor after Murdoch.

John Malone - Perhaps the first serious challenge to the Murdoch family's dominance of News Corp. came via John Malone's Liberty Media. The American company had amassed a considerable though not yet controlling stake in News Corp., which Murdoch interpreted as a threat; Malone's complaints about Murdochian "empire building" at the expense of shareholder return also didn't help. The threat evaporated with a deal trading the News Corp. shares back as part of an $11 billion asset swap, including the transfer of a controlling interest in DirecTV over to Liberty. Malone and Murdoch are talking sweetly of each other and the deal now, but the Malones are probably off the Christmas card list for a year or two, at least.

Sir Richard Branson - After his NTL cable company lost its bid for commercial broadcaster ITV to Murdoch's British Sky Broadcasting, Branson called Murdoch a "threat to democracy" and agitated for a government breakup of News Corp. — or to put it in terms Murdoch would understand, a "regime change." Branson is yet another flavor of billionaire wackjob in his own right, and his knighthood can't make the famously establishment-hating Murdoch love him any more.

Silvio Berlusconi - Murdoch has been tangling with Italian media boss and former prime minister Berlusconi for quite some time, and the former's dogged persistence has brought growing penetration of Italian media. Add that to Berlusconi political downswing and his propensity to collapse on camera, and Ruperto looks buonissimo by comparison.

Kerry Stokes - A not-so-miniature Murdoch in the making, Stokes controls Australia's Seven Network, which has already tangled with News Corp. over a failed channel meant to compete with Murdoch's Ozzie properties. Stokes and Seven are on the rise now though, after opting into a AU$4 billion joint venture deal that frees up lots of cash for acquisitions and new launches.

George Michael - Called Murdoch "the devil" and a "media dictator." Michael claims Murdoch is out to get him, but the pop singer may launch a vicious retaliatory strike at any time.

Judith Regan - More on the shit list than the enemies list, due to the whole OJ book thing. But it's very easy to get promoted to enemy status, by way of something relatively innocuous, like say, a lawsuit. Developing.

[Photo: Getty]

But don't ask him to share warm feelings about Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corp., or Time Warner Inc., which purchased Turner Broadcasting System Inc. in 1996. "There is one person I don't like," he said of Murdoch. Turner lambasted Murdoch - whose net worth is $7.7 billion, according to Forbes magazine. "He gives nothing to charity," said Turner, whose net worth is estimated at $1.9 billion.

Media mogul Turner takes a meaty poke at Murdoch [Denver Post]

• Morgan Stanley continues to slap Sulzberger around. [NYP]
  
• New Philadelphia Inquirer editor gets enthusiastic welcome, tells everyone they're going to be fired. [PI]
  
• Bonnie Fuller thinks readers want more opinions from Star editors. [WWD]
  
• Jack Shafer uses some kind of bicycle metaphor to predict how cuts at the L.A. Times will occur. Okay. [Slate]
  
• Speaking of the LAT, it's Geffen v. Burkle in the battle of the billionaires to own the paper. Also, rich people like to buy things. [NYT]
  
• Female editors were relentlessly promoting their magazines on TV long before Dave Zinczenko had rock-hard abs. [FBNY]
  
• Larry King: unaware that Republican National Committee chief Ken Melhman is gay, Republican National Committee chief. [HuffPo]
  
• Seth Mnookin finds a way to make Times gossip interesting: Race and sex! [Seth Mnookin]
  
• Former political correspondent poignantly addresses plight of female political correspondents: math is hard. [NYT]
  
• Donny Deutsch and Ted Turner: Oh, the humility. [Copyranter]
  
• Times Public Editor knocks Times Standards Editor for TimesSelect articlevertisement. [NYT]

• Reader Aleks found User 22646185, who looked for "latinas laughing at little white dicks." They probably won't be tapped for an "AOL, fun for families!" commercial any time.
• Reader Georgia says, "Does Ted Turner use AOL? User 20853699 is a classic with only 5 searches to his name: 'why you shoudnt drink after surgery,' 'why you shoudnt drink after surgery,' 'can you drink alcohol after surgery,' 'does alcohol thin your blood,' and 'time warner cable.'"
• Slate's Paul Boutin IDs the seven types of searcher, and the subspecies of the Pornhound. [Slate]
• Speaking of search habits, has anyone noticed that even the dirtiest searchers will eventually take a break to search for food? It's all like "rape porn," "tentacle," "bdsm," "steak sandwich."

Earlier: AOL creepy user watch: volume 9 [Valleywag]

"It is after much deliberation that I have decided not to stand for reelection at the annual meeting," said Turner, who for a time was the company's largest individual shareholder after he sold Turner Broadcasting to Time Warner in 1996. "I have enjoyed working with Dick Parsons as well as the other board members and the management team."

Time Warner Chief Executive Parsons, who just finished the very public battle with Icahn, described Turner as a "visionary leader" in a brief statement.

Parsons said Turner had "made an extraordinary contribution to this company and, indeed, to the world at large."

The world at large, most certainly: In addition to his significant charity involvement in charities, Turner gave us CNN (and, in a way, Anderson Cooper), his Montana Grill, and a cable network willing to show Nascar at all times. Let's all honor his exit from the company, then, by refusing to pay our cable bills.

Ted Turner to leave Time Warner board [Reuters]

Coming in 22nd place is Oprah Winfrey, who donated $51.8 million to her various foundations, all of which bear her name. Ted Turner falls in at number 15, donating $70.6 million to the South African Peace Parks Foundation plus the Nuclear Threat Initiative, Turner Foundation, U.N. Foundation and Better World Fund. Jane Fonda would be proud.

The highest-donating media whore on the list is our own Michael Bloomberg, who clocks in at a respectable 7th place, having donated $144 million to feel-good vaguaries including arts, education, health care and social services. Wow — how generous of our dear mayor! Maybe in 2006, he could donate that cash to the Chinatown Loogy Cleanup.

The 2005 Slate 60 [Slate]