No matter what Dennis Rodman says, North Korea is a nightmarish land where countless innocent citizens are shipped off to prison camps and subjected to incomprehensible horrors. Here is an example of what defectors have said recently.

On Wednesday night in Washington, D.C., the city's Metro green line, which connects its southern fringes to its northern extremities, up and stopped moving during rush hour after workers accidentally cut power to it while battling a fire. What ensued, according to one eyewitness account from a man named Scott, was a…

Though storms may come and mouths may run, rest assured, America: there is enough Ranch dressing in place, in easily accessed pump dispensers, to serve all of this great nation's delegates at the 2012 Republican National Convention.

Happy Monday morning, everyone. Remember that huge mass grave of murder victims found in Mexico this month? Yes, well. It's up to 177 bodies now. And, believe it or not, its mere existence is not the worst part.

Dr. Charles Bizilj took his eight-year-old son to a gun show two years ago. There, he videotaped his son's death, as the boy lost control while trying to test-fire an Uzi. Today, Bizilj is testifying in court. It is awful.

A judge in Massachusetts ruled yesterday that a jury in a manslaughter case can be shown a video of an eight year-old boy accidentally shooting himself to death with an Uzi at a gun show. Jesus. Christ. It gets worse.

Rachelle Friedman's bridesmaids pushed her into a pool's shallow end, breaking her neck and leaving her paralyzed from the chest down. Now she can't marry her fiance because their combined income would cause her to lose her Medicaid benefits.

Just when you thought that absurd, monstrous Biblical punishments had been consigned to the dustbin of history, the Taliban is bringing back stoning. Way to be awful monsters, guys. What crime merited this horrific execution method?

The two men, convicted of "unnatural acts and gross indecency," have been given the maximum sentence permitted by law: 14 years of hard labor in prison. The judge said of his ruling, "Let posterity judge this judgment." It will. [NYT]

Last night I went and watched the upcoming Tucker Max movie, in full. Here is what I saw, before I erase it from my mind entirely.

Oh for the love of... A couple in Detroit tried to cremate their 2-year-old on a grill. Then a website picks up the story. On the same page? An ad for grilling "like an expert."

For years, the likes of Hannah Montana and the Jonas Bros. have ruled the kiddie icon market. No more. Soon, heterosexual boys will have their own channel full of crappy Disney tween characters from hell.

The issue of fancy men's underwear is still threatening to undermine this great country. Andrew Christian has unveiled his new, horrific men's underwear with Flashback Butt-Lifting and Contouring Technology. He promises that it "gives men the illusion of having a sought-after "bubble butt" without having to spend…