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Posts Tagged “
Terror
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startling disingenuousness
"Terrorist Fist-Jab" Secret Origin Revealed!
Fox blonde E.D. Hill, the lady who coined the phrase "terrorist fist-jab" in reference to Barack Obama's affectionate exchange of knuckles with his wife, went on-air to "clarify" her remarks today. "Now, I mentioned various ways the Obamas' fist pump in St. Paul had been characterized in the media," Hill said. "I apologize because unfortunately, some thought I personally had characterized it inappropriately." How could we have made that mistake?! We all should've realized she was just repeating someone else's characterization. It's just too bad there's no record of anyone else making that characterization! More »
breaking
Entire East Side Falling Apart!
Cranes collapsing! Threatened power outages! Scary parades full of rowdy Spanish-speaking people! Manhattan's East Side is a veritable third-world country this week! Now, our Midtown East correspondent Ray Wert reports that, uh, "boulder-sized pieces of buildings" are falling from his apartment onto cars below. Seriously! A piece fell onto a BMW 3-Series (he edits Jalopnik, you know). His only advice is to avoid both the area and East Coast Restoration. MORE DETAILS HERE. WE WILL UPDATE AS THE SITUATION WARRANTS. STAY INDOORS. DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS. IMAGE OF THE DISASTER HERE AND BELOW. More »
oh no
Fox Blonde Warns of Obama's "Terrorist Fist Jab"
We tried to explain that Barack Obama's exchanging of respect knuckles with his lovely wife was NO BIGGIE, but in writing about it, all we really did was add to the deluge of maddening idiocy. The most repellent reading comes, of course, from Fox News, who actually ask if perhaps the fist-bump was "a terrorist fist jab." Then they bring on a body-language expert to analyze what is a modified high-five, people. WE WARNED YOU. So let's watch E.D. Hill and her legs explain what that crazy threatening fist thing was! More »
end times
Monkey-Piloted Robots Will Kill Us All
This is just like the other night when we flipped past ABC and Charlie Gibson said "up next, the robot revolution," which is a story we thought he probably should've led with. Anyway, monkeys finally control robots with their thoughts and mankind is basically defunct, now. [NYT, Drudge]
Shoot Them in the Head!
The zombie onslaught of MTV's reality slop show The Hills is apparently unstoppable. It will be trundling on for a fourth season, a 19-episode run, detailing how they spent their summer vacations (as opposed to their winter, spring, and fall vacations), that will start in August. That leaves us just a short four month reprieve from the gurgling gaggle of gregarious girls. Don't let them bite you. [Us]
911 is a joke
Police State Party!
"It's a first for mass transit in the United States. NYPD officers, armed with rifles, submachine guns, body armor and bomb-sniffing dogs will begin patrolling the city's subway system thanks to a 50 percent increase in a homeland security grant." Well, good thing we're putting that to good use! Turning an already problematic police force into a paramilitary organization? What could go wrong! If there's any of that grant money left we should use it to create androids that subdue anyone attempting to dance at a non-licensed bar. With a force as restrained and well-trained and not-roided out of their power-corrupted minds as the NYPD armed to the fucking teeth, what could go wrong? Should we be grateful it's just a ceremonial show of force, like those speeding cop car motorcades that wailed through midtown after the bicycle bombing? Or should we be worried! More »
let's play adbusters
Heroic Informant Reveals Hippie Hygiene Horror to 'Elle'
For reasons utterly unknown to your non-fashion mag-reading day editor, Elle has a lengthy feature this month about "Anna," the FBI agent provocateur (in the COINTELPRO sense, not the lingerie sense) who brow-beat some lazy, unemployed pot-smoking self-proclaimed "anarchists" into planning a mild act of terrorism they didn't actually have the resources or intelligence to pull off. The story is a largely sympathetic interview with "Anna" ("The car stank of body odor and sweat, thanks to the extremists rejection of regular bathing and hygeine products.... Vicks VapoRub, which Anna routinely dabbed inside her nose, made it barely tolerable."), who rented the would-be bombers a cabin and bought them bomb-making supplies and provided them with bomb-making plans and demanded they stick to the fucking plan the night they all decided they'd rather smoke pot and make pasta. If it sounds like we're condoning either terrorism or lack of personal hygiene, well, entrapment makes us queasier than hippie stink. Now the ringleader of the The Collective That Couldn't Shoot Straight faces 20 years in prison. So let's all make like anarchists and insert these little culture-jammy 'retractions' into copies of Elle! That'll help, right? Sigh.
cinema
Finally, We Can Laugh At 9/11
Oh boy! Here come the 9/11 Comedies, according to Politico! Hollywood is finally catching up with the internet. And al-Qaeda. Though their "Sept. 11 comedies" are Harold and Kumar Go to Guantanamo Bay, which is not really about 9/11, and some John Cusack Halliburton satire, which is about Iraq, and Zombie Strippers, which is self-explanatory. Oh, there is one genuine 9/11 comedy coming, though. It is directed by Uwe Boll, it will basically be a travesty. The Soup Nazi plays Osama bin Laden. But every Uwe Boll film is a travesty, be it about 9/11 or vampires in the old west. Also it's been out for a year, except no one will release it. The year-old SHOCKING OPENING SCENE is after the jump, because if we can't laugh at ourselves, what have we got left? More »
First Spencer, Now This
"Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri will soon answer the hundreds of questions submitted by journalists, militants and others about the terrorist network's future, its media wing announced Wednesday.[...]Al-Sahab announced in December that al-Zawahri would take questions from the public posted on Islamic militant Web sites and would respond 'as soon as possible.'" [AP, Related]
"Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri will soon answer the hundreds of questions submitted by journalists, militants and others about the terrorist network's future, its media wing announced Wednesday.[...]Al-Sahab announced in December that al-Zawahri would take questions from the public posted on Islamic militant Web sites and would respond 'as soon as possible.'" [AP, Related]
documents
Sensitive State Dept. Document Explains What Happens When Cars Stop Being Police, Start Going Boom
Slate found this 2005 State Department brochure on car bombs at the closed and then re-opened Wikileaks. Its amazing subtitle speaks for itself. Perhaps we could've averted a national catastrophe if, back in 2001, President Bush had been handed a national security briefing headlined "Bin Laden Determined to Make US E'Splode!"
never forget
Terror At Kate's Place! The Amazing True Story of the Film Student Snipers
How much chaos can two knucklehead filmmaking students (can anyone confirm NYU? It's a hunch we have.) cause on a quiet Tuesday afternoon? Plenty if they're on top of Kate Hudson's house with "sniper rifles" for some reason! Police helicopters hovered over King and Varick in the Village and terrified office-workers emailed us. Even after Us Weekly reported the arrest of these three idiotic future Uwe Bolls your tales of bravery continued to roll in. Like this one, from an architecture firm, with a subject line simply reading "BEWARE": More »
3/6
We Have Found the Mad Bomber
The cops brought in one of those criminal profiler people like you see on the tv shows to figure out just who was mad enough to toss a tiny bomb at the military recruiting station in Times Square at 4 a.m., injuring no one, before speeding off suspiciously on his bicycle. "'He feels comfortable on the bicycle,' Mr. Pierce said of the bomber, suggesting the person could be a bike messenger." You fools! It was Owen Wilson. [NYT]
mistakes
Whoops
Both major New York tabloids today went, on their front pages, with a story that everyone knew was bullshit by the time they picked up the papers. If you caught a second of the morning news today, you know that the letters to congressmen saying "WE DID IT" had jack shit to do with that little I.E.D. that went off in Times Square the other morning. The Post didn't know that when they decided to play the story HUGE today. The Daily News went a bit more tasteful, with one line below a story about how Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are having a Graveyard Smash, or something. Click to see both covers embarrassingly huge.
never forget
VIDEO: Hooded Terrorist Coward Flees Times Square Attack!
Surveillance cameras captured fleeting, blurry images of the man who dropped the bomb on Uncle Sam this morning and Police released clips to the media this afternoon We know the terrorist rides a bicycle ("in a suspicious manner") and wears dark clothing. We must insist you turn in any friend, neighbor, or relative who matches this description to the police for questioning. Watch the video for yourself, after the jump. (Also please click to see this loving illustrated tribute to the victims of today's attacks from Gawker reader and patriot Ryan.) More »
never forget
Fallout
Did the TIMES SQUARE I.E.D. affect the Conde Nasties? Did Anna Wintour make it to work today? Any MTV or Viacom slaves want to weigh in on the confusion and terror that have surely overtaken their studios? Send me your stories of heroism. [Photo: Reuters, who are also headquartered right around the corner from this morning's TERROR.]
breaking
Times Square Terror! 4 a.m. I.E.D. Blows Army Office
An Improvised Explosive Device went off in Times Square at 3:43 this morning, according to a statement released just a few minutes ago by the NYPD. In other, less sensationalistic words, a small homemade bomb went off just in front of the Army recruiting station. No injuries. The Mayor is expected to give a press conference a half-hour ago, "but he's running late." We'll update if he says anything interesting. (Update: He didn't.) The cops are looking into whether this bomb was anything like the ones that went off outside the Mexican and British Consulates in 2007 and 2005, respectively. Those crude devices were toy grenades filled with gunpowder, making the term I.E.D. sound even more generous. But hey, terror. Update: Cops say a witness saw a guy on a bike, with a backpack, and a hood. Which matches the description of the mysterious guy spotted outside the consulate attacks. This madman must be stopped before he inexplicably blows up a tiny bomb well outside another building at an hour when it will hurt no one. (CNN clip, regarding this mad bombing suspect, after the jump.) [NYT] More »
mother, may i vote for danger?
