If you want to see all the stories, visit the comments section of the original post. All of the stories tend to fall into certain genres—cooking nightmares, drunken exploits, family drama, death, illness, and general destruction—so we've picked out some of our favorites so that you don't have to read all 500 or so horror stories like some of us had to. Here are our runners up. The titles are ours, but these stories are all yours:

• Most Inspirational: Babygay's Escape to the Big City by BettyCrocker.
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• Grossest Cooking Mishap: One Seriously Nasty Salad by MomOf3WildKids.
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• Saddest Passing: Mom's Dream House of Death by Saelmar.
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• Most Delinquent Family Member: Stripper Sister-In-Law on the Run from the Law by Lysergic Asset.
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• Cooking Experiment Gone Wild: The Proof Is in the Pesto by ThatGirlInNewYork.
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• Best Bad Turkey Disposal/Funniest Punchline: Bird on the Lawn by RollsRoyceRevenge.
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• Stupidest Family Fight: Patch Adams Rules by Allyzay.
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• Worst Plumbing Accident: Shit Hits the Fan by Scairborn.
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• Best Drinking Contest: Grandma and Grandpa Go Shot for Shot by Meredith.Terry.
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• The Scariest Night Out on the Town: A Real Life Episode of Cheaters by WickedlySane.
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• Most Destructive: Burning Down the House by Willow150.
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• Self-Referential Award for Excellence: Thanks for Giving Me Something to Put on Gawker by TheExperience.
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• The PETA Award for Animal Cruelty: Gobble on This by Kimrod.
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• The Overly Dramatic Oscar: My Mother the Drag Queen by RabbityThings.

And the Ultimate Award for Thanksgiving Horror and the $50 prize for a bottle of Wild Turkey goes to DrunkExpatWriter, for his two-fold tale of his family behaving badly. The full story is reprinted below for everyone to enjoy and so that we can all laugh at his pain to make our pain a little bit more bearable.

Here's the winning tale:

Ok. I have two stories for you. Roughly 13 years ago my family got together at my parent's house for Thanksgiving. My step mom and her brother have always had a "tumultuous" relationship. After dinner they got into an argument over who loved their long dead mother more. Shit was thrown around, plates broken, the usual. My dad tried to calm them down to no avail. So, he decided he had to distract them. He'd just gotten a Dodge conversion van, so he went out and fired it up and started ramming it at the cars of all our relatives - totaling roughly 10 cars until my step mom and uncle noticed and stopped fighting with each other in order to yell at him.

Now, second story. The next year, my dad decided that having people over to the house for Thanksgiving was a bad idea. So he booked us all into this super fancy restaurant and paid to put all the relatives in a swank hotel next door - on the assumption that people would be more well behaved in public.

Everything went well during the meal, until the check arrived. The waiter then put the check near my uncle rather than my step mom (who insists on handling all the financial shit for her and my dad.)

Her brother then said "See, you can talk about liberation all you want, but classy people know a man is supposed to pay."

My step mom then upended the table and grabbed the carving knife and tried to stab her brother to death. He took me, my dad and my brother to literally hurl her off of him.

In a matter of minutes the cops arrived (small New Jersey town.)

While my step mom and my uncle were trying to tell the cops they didn't want to press charges against each other, my dad walked up to one of the cop cars, unzipped and pissed on the cop car's tires.

Flash forward two hours later to me, my then-wife and various cousins pooling our money to bail all three of them out of jail.

Congratulations go to DrunkExpatWriter for giving us reason to believe our family isn't so bad. You can either pick up your booze at Gawker HQ (the lawyers say mailing it's dicey) or email Gabriel to tell him where to send a $50 check to spend on the libation of your choice.

Feel free to continue to add stories to the official compendium of misery in the original post, and in the comments, tells us what a crappy job we did picking the winner and provide links to your favorite tales (you can get a permalink to the comments by clicking on the date below the commenter's name).

And while we're glad that we didn't have to live through any of these tales of terror, we would like to thank you all for the memories. Christmas is going to be a doozy!

The beer is called Tactical Nuclear Penguin. The brewers, called BrewDog, are in Scotland. Both of these facts make perfect sense. The BBC report that it will sell for $50 a bottle and that the label will have the following warning:

This is an extremely strong beer; it should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance. In exactly the same manner that you would enjoy a fine whisky, a Frank Zappa album or a visit from a friendly yet anxious ghost.

Expect to see it in the hands of homeless people, who will enjoy it with an air of desperate diligence like they would enjoy lighter fluid, stealing someone's shoes or a visit from a friendly yet anxious police officer.

Reuters report that:

While traffic to stores on the Thursday is relatively light, people who do make it out are mostly hard-core shoppers and highly likely to buy.

But also that no-one has any idea what's going on with those shoppers tomorrow and in the future — people are tired of the recession, but:

"The consumer is confused. They don't know whether to spend or not," said Marshal Cohen, senior analyst at retail consultant NPD Group.

Because everyone wants your money anyway Wal-Mart, Gap, Radio Shack, Walgreens, Old Navy and doubtless some other stores that sell stuff have opened their doors. This meant that lots of store staff and some poor Reuters reporter had to a) work today and/or ask people about their shopping habits. If you have a desperate need for discount slacks, iPod cables or TheraFlu then go my people! Stimulate the economy!

The day after Thanksgiving is the most popular shopping day of the year, but it also the most deadly. Sure, there are always going to be fights over limited merchandise, but early morning specials and stores trying to frontload their days with shoppers ready to spend has created an atmosphere of deadly frenzy. Well, it is time to fight back! Here are several methods that will keep you alive and get you to the front of the pack. This December 25th when you have a pocket full of left-over cash and your children gratefully screech, "Thank you, Santa!" You better turn to your computer, nod, and say, "No, thank you, Gawker."

The Paparazzi Strategy: Pretend like the mob rushing the front door for cheap Blu-Ray players are like photographers and you are Robert Pattinson. Surround yourself with some thuggy types and have them walk you through the crowd.
Fatal Flaw: You have to have a big, tough entourage, or else you'll all go down like Tila Tequila at the dick buffet.
Best For: Big egos, people who are well connected, anyone with a subscription to Star.
Do Not Attempt If...: You do not know who Robert Pattinson is. That means you have never seen someone successfully avoid the paps and you are doomed to a million footprints on your face.

The NASCAR Strategy: At 4:59, right before the doors open, have a friend or family member pull up in a car that vaguely resembles a NASCAR racer. It's going to be dark, so it doesn't have to be perfect. When all the Walmartians are staring shout, "Look, it's Jeff Gordon!!" The crowd will go rushing for autographs and it will be just you and and the Walmart greeter.
Fatal Flaw: You may be stuck in a stampede when everyone goes Gaga over Gordon.
Best For: Red staters
Do Not Attempt If...: You live somewhere where no one will know who Jeff Gordon is. If you are standing the cold in front of Target instead of Walmart, you are in one of those places. If that is the case, a black town car with a black lady in the back seat can be used to create a diversionary "Oprah."

The Blocking Wedge Strategy: This football-inspired move is so effective that it got banned by the NFL. Get several "toughs" (great aunts work especially well for this) and have them run in a tight V formation. You are at the center of the V safe from harm. You will plow through the crowd of bargain hunters like a plow through snow.
Fatal Flaw: You have to get Great Aunt Fanny and the girls to run fast enough or else your wedge will be destroyed by the tide of bodies behind you.
Best For: Sports fans, Deadspin readers, lesbians.
Do Not Attempt If...: You are not committed. It's not easy to make your way through a mob, but when you get your hands on an electronic hampster it will be all worth it.

The Storm Trooper Strategy: Just like when Han Solo and Luke Skywalker put on Storm Trooper costumes to infiltrate the Death Star in Star Wars, all you need is a Walmart uniform to get inside. Show up in a blue apron an hour early and use the employee entrance. They've hired tons of seasonal staff, so they won't even care that they don't recognize you. Make yourself busy organizing shelves or something. And when the doors open, ditch the apron, and grab whatever your little heart desires.
Fatal Flaw: Someone might realize that you don't have a time card with your name on it.
Best For: The nondescript, chameleons, failed actors.
Do Not Attempt If...: You have any distinguishing features. People won't remember a mid-height lady with brown hair, but if someone with a goth 'do and a face full of piercings shows up at the employee entrance, it might cause a stir.

The Stay the Fuck Home! Strategy: Um, see the above. Really, is it worth risking death over a cheap TV? Also, it is real early in the morning.
Fatal Flaw: If servers crash on Cyber Monday then you are screwed.
Best For: Sane individuals, spendthrifts, city folk.
Do Not Attempt If...: You really want to go out with shopping cart wheel marks over your face in your coffin.

According to the Times, sites like Allrecipes and Epicurious and records of Google searches report the following:

• The butterball hotline expects 11,000 phone calls, and operators will be on Twitter too.
• Cooks in the Southeast rarely look up pie crust recipes. So they either hate pie or love it so much they know it already.
• Midwesterners love cheese balls, the people of North Carolina love sweet potatoes, the people of Mississippi prefer pecan, Wisconsiners worship apple and the "broccoli casserole belt extends through Appalachia and ends in Florida."
• Thanksgiving searches spike in Panama — because there are many ex-pats and retirees there.
• People tend to search for gravy at 3pm. When they panic and realize they have no idea how to make it.

First of all, this is not a list of "counter-arguments," or methods by which you can convince a conservative relative that their beliefs are wrong. Because these are not "political positions." These are mythology. Just as you would not try to convince a Viking that the sun will not be eaten by a wolf during Ragnarökr, or try to convince an ancient Mayan that a camper van could not drive up and down an erupting volcano during 2012, you cannot actually convince a conservative old white man that Barack Obama is not a socialist.

Instead, you should steer the conversation somewhere safe. Here, our advice.

Health Care
Any discussion of health care policy at a gathering of extended family members can be easily cut off before it becomes heated. As there will probably be children and old people present, simply inquire as to recent hospital trips, illnesses, and injuries. Watch as those who minutes earlier were complaining about government rationing are suddenly bitching about their insurance company! (Unless, of course, they are one of the Olds who loves their Medicare.) Alternatively, you could bring up the inspiring play of Lions rookie QB Matt Stafford, who will miss Thanksgiving play with a nasty shoulder injury.

Bowing
Just read up on your "wacky foreign customs" and distract everyone by talking about how in Japan it is polite to slurp your soup as loudly as possible and you heard it was considered polite in Bahrain, or was it Saudi Arabia, to burp after a meal, to demonstrate your satisfaction. And did you know that a thumbs up is obscene in Iran? Wonder aloud how ritual displays of male affection in American football may relate to how Europeans are always kissing each other.

Czars
This would be a good opportunity to talk about the mess that the Cleveland Browns are in, and ask if Mike Holmgren would make a good "football czar." (Pro tip: Holmgren is a better coach than an executive, as his stint as Seahawks GM proved.)

Illegal Immigrants
Sometimes it's just best to let older relatives be racist for a little while, but this could be a good opportunity to talk about your favorite Canadian-born football players, like Mark Rypien and Bronco Nagurski.

Where Barack Obama Was Born
There is not really a good way to get out of this one, so you might just want to change the subject entirely. How about bringing up the atrocious play of the Packers offensive line? Now there's a Death Panel.

Glenn Beck
Just get wasted, but not so wasted that you start yelling at everyone about how much of an bastard that Glenn fucking Beck is.

There you go!

Happy Thanksgiving! The finks at Universal Music Group have disabled embedding of Gus Van Sant's video of William S. Burrough's Thanksgiving Prayer, so enjoy this one, instead.

Those AP reporters must hate their relatives, since every other article they penned about Thanksgiving this year was actually about why you shouldn't visit your family for Thanksgiving this year.

SWINE FLU
The AP says:

Your family might be sharing more than turkey and pumpkin pie this Thanksgiving. Swine flu may also be on the table - and at crowded airports and shopping malls.

Just as the pandemic seems to be waning around the country, some health officials are worried that holiday gatherings could lead to more infections.

This is a really good excuse, because it makes it seem like you care too much about your family to visit them on Thanksgiving. Simply take out an ad on Craigslist for a swine flu-stricken person to come over and lick your face tomorrow. (Who knows, you might even get a date out of it!) Then call your family and tell them you didn't want your frail grandfather to get sick and not be able to enjoy his last Thanksgiving. They will totally understand.

THE ECONOMY
Writes the AP

There's still family, turkey and football, but one Thanksgiving tradition is taking a hit this year. Millions of Americans are spending the holiday at home, saying the poor economy has made it unaffordable to hit the road or board a plane.

"It's too expensive," said Benita Hall, 24, a nurse's aide who can't afford to travel from Cincinnati to Atlanta to see her mother and siblings. "It's depressing because you want to be with your family for the holidays."

This excuse is significantly inferior to swine flu. Really, unless you are close to indigent or a subsistence farmer or something you cannot use this excuse without coming off looking like a cheap, ungrateful asshole. Do you have a TV? Sell it. Do you have a job? Work overtime. Your parents fed you and clothed you and pretended that their marriage was alright for years—the least you can do is spend a few bucks to hear them tell embarrassing stories about your pubescence to your girlfriend while you sit there really wanting a cigarette but for some strange, deep-seated reason you have never told your parents that you picked up smoking so you've got to wait for everyone to go to bed and then walk around the block furtively glancing over your soldier like you're 14 again.

AIRPORTS

Writes the AP:

Fewer people are expected to fly this holiday season, but travelers shouldn't expect a full reprieve from the horrid flight delays of Thanksgivings past, especially if they need to land anywhere near New York City.

Despite some recent improvements, the Big Apple's three major airports continue to be the country's worst air travel bottleneck...On busy days, the lines of planes landing at LaGuardia Airport can still stretch unbroken in the sky for 40 miles.

This would be a good excuse to use if you don't want to see your family this Thanksgiving and you also want to make a larger point about necessary Federal Aviation Administration reforms. (And if your dad happens to be an FAA official you can get an extra dig in for that time he put your cat down because you forgot to clean your room.)

Or, you know, you could just man up and visit your family. They miss you and, even if they can only show it by nitpicking your most insignificant flaws and constantly questioning your sexuality, they do love you.

Since Gawker Media embraced the anarchic tag page system, we've had people posting news tips and story ideas on the #tips page and celebrity sightings on #stalker. Some of the other sites in the Gawker family have also designated certain hashtags as ways for commenters to talk among themselves without being tethered to a specific post. For example, Jezebel has #groupthink, Deadspin has their #duan page (a holdover of from their Deadspin Up All Night open-threads). We'd like to start one, too, and we'd like to know what name you like best. Here are a few of our ideas:

#gawkertalker — It has a nice ring to it, but maybe too sing-songy?
#circlesmirk — I think it's apt, but probably too cute.
#snitheads — Foster's suggestion.
#runningtext — A nod to print.
#fnff — Why not go with a classic?

Anyway, lobby for your favorite down in comments, but the only way to cast a vote is to actually use them. So click through to your favorite (or make up your own) and say something. Post early, post often. The tag page that attracts the most activity will be immortalized as a suggested hashtag on the top of every page of Gawker.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

As Obama points out, it is not even an old tradition. Bush I started it. Nothing Bush I did should be carried on as a presidential tradition. And, even worse, Obama is continuing Bush Jr's tradition of sending the birds to Disneyland, to die. Because these are eating turkeys, and so they have been bred too fat to walk, and with weak hearts.

But! That is not very fun, is it? Obama's speech actually had one very funny line, about "saving or creating four turkeys," and an official White House transcript was released that includes the following:

And man those kids are adorable. Our whole factory farming rage just melted away watching this clip.

Yes, those are two human beings—astronauts Jeffrey Williams and Nicole Stott—wishing you a happy Thanksgiving while LITERALLY FLOATING 341 KILOMETERS ABOVE YOU IN A PERMANENT LOW ORBITAL DWELLING. Do you see that space food floating around? No strings, bitches! Because they do not have gravity in outer space! WHERE THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY ARE!!

Screw Velcro: This video is why we must continue to fund the human spaceflight program.

(What the video doesn't show is the part of Thanksgiving where everyone gets drunk and fights about who ruined Thanksgiving last year.)

More than turkey, pumpkin pie, and football games, Thanksgiving is about horrible family interactions, cooking catastrophes, and cringe-inducing nightmare scenarios that involve your siblings misbehaving and thrown-up cranberry sauce. We know that yours are going to be way better than this mildly awkward prayer from Home for the Holidays, and we just can't wait to hear them.

Whoever shares the worst story wins a either a check for $50 or a bottle of Wild Turkey (we're talking one of their top-shelf brands) (U.S. residents and over 21 only for the booze, Standard Contest Rules apply). After all the drama around the turkey, you're going to need it.

To enter, put your stories in the comments section (if you're not already a commenter, find out how here). We'll be compiling and sharing the best of them throughout the week. The winner will be decided on Friday Monday, so that you can let us rub some salt in the fresh wounds from another year sitting at the kid's table. Good luck, and save us a slice of the white meat.

[Image is from Life.com's photo gallery of designer Barbara Orr Ehrhart's 1947 turkey-inspired wedding.]

George W. Bush's last Thanksgiving proclamation actually mentioned Pilgrims! But—no Indians.

In that proclamation, it was, indeed, the Author of Life (Almighty God) who was personally responsible for "granting" the Pilgrims "safe passage to this abundant land and protecting them through a bitter winter." Thanks, God, though our first Muslim Atheist Kenyan president remembers it a bit differently:

We also recognize the contributions of Native Americans, who helped the early colonists survive their first harsh winter and continue to strengthen our Nation.

There were no Indians, or Native Americans, or Indigenous People, in any of Bush's proclamations. There was some 9/11 in the 2001 proclamation, obviously.

Last year President Bush encouraged "all Americans to gather together in their homes and places of worship with family, friends, and loved ones...." President Obama encourages "all the people of the United States to come together, whether in our homes, places of worship, community centers, or any place where family, friends and neighbors may gather...." (Emphasis added—by ACORN!)

But! Obama was not the first to rep for being thankful in places other than home and church! Clinton also encouraged Americans to gather at home, at places of worship, or at community centers. And so did Bush! In 2001, 2002, and 2003. It was not until 2004 that Americans were no longer encouraged to gather in these community centers. This is presumably because of John Kerry. (Clinton also referenced those Natives who disappeared from Bush's proclamations.)

Clinton never made reference to Lincoln, and Washington only showed up once. Bush Sr. made one Lincoln reference. Reagan, plenty. On the whole, Bush I's proclamations were a little more ambitious, and a little less rote. They included primary sources and historical arcana!

Truthfully, this is an uninspiring first effort from our most literary president in a generation. Barely an improvement over Bush Jr. Let's hope he spends a little more time on it next year.

[Photo: AFP]

In an interview he just finished with Playgirl editor-in-chief Nicole Caldwell, Levi says of the invite, "You could tell by her laugh she was full of it." The petition to come over for some turkey was part of a segment the former Alaska governor taped for an Oprah episode that airs Monday.

Levi also that it was a "nice gesture, but she didn't mean it" and if he went, it would be "awkward." He also tells Entertainment Tonight, "Either she's telling a little spoof here or she's going to ask me in the next couple of days. I couldn't care less to go with Sarah Palin, but I want to be with my kid. It would probably be a little weird. It would be uncomfortable, but I'd go for my son's sake."

Well, between Levi's upcoming issue of the magazine and Palin's book, we think that a Thanksgiving dinner together (promptly followed by a food fight) would be just the photo op these two need to keep their prolonged dance of death going.