(I do not know what this is. Do not ask.)

It's not like I had absolutely no idea what to expect. After all, I do read Us Weekly and, occasionally, this website. Plus, a friend of mine had informed me that watching The Hills was "like watching slutty retarded paint dry," which is pretty much accurate. But there were some horrors of The Hills that I found myself unprepared for.

For example: the eerie way Lauren Conrad has of widening her eyes super-big! That is scary. She looks like she is possessed by a demon!

Also, during all the scenes where the Hills girls are at "work," I kept waiting for one of them to accidentally nudge her mouse and freak out at the computer because, like, "the swirly screen-thing is broken now!"

Also, I had been thinking about getting laser teeth whitening, but Spencer and Heidi's teeth talked me out of it. And does any person on this show have her original birth nose? Answer: no.

Heidi is frightening, right? Doree pointed out that, in spite of her obvious retardation, she was clearly born knowing what to do with an assistant. Some people just are born with that knowledge. That is so remarkable.

And I love how going on a romantic dinner date, for LC and Jason, entailed playing with their respective handheld devices half the time. Can you imagine the messages they are sending? "Sittin here w Jason we just ordered food" "Omg romantic!!!" "Omg riiiight???"

All in all, watching the Hills made me even surer that I never ever want to go to L.A., even to visit. Also, now that song is stuck in my head! "No one else can feel it for you ..." Ack!! I am definitely never watching this brain-degrading shit again.

Until next week.