Everett said:

The fact is that you could not be, and still cannot be, a 25-year-old homosexual trying to make it in the British film business or the American film business or even the Italian film business. It just doesn't work and you're going to hit a brick wall at some point. You're going to manage to make it roll for a certain amount of time, but at the first sign of failure they'll cut you right off.

He then went on to admit that he's "probably happier" than closeted stars. But who cares about happiness when you could have an awesome career, a huge mansion and a million adoring female fans who you will never, ever sleep with? [Deadline]

•Although she certainly sucks, we now know Nancy Grace is not a vampire: The HLN talking hair will be getting her own daytime talk show starting in 2010. It will be called "justice," because that is what Nancy Grace's success proves does not exist in the world. [THR]

•Paul Thomas Anderson ("There Will Be Blood," "Boogie Nights") is directing an upcoming film starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. "The Master" will be a period drama about a charismatic guy (Hoffman) who sets up a new religion in 1952. Intense. [Variety]

•Dang, Adam Lambert's crotch has legs: Nearly two weeks after Lambert face-humped (that's humping someone's face) his way into America's hearts and/or minds, it looks like the FCC has kept him from performing as scheduled on Jimmy Kimmel Live: "It's the FCC heat," Lambert tweeted by way of explanation. [LAT]

•Your 52nd annual Grammy Nominees for Album of the Year: Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and The Dave Matthews Band (!?). [Variety]

•Brian Moylan's "The Hills" and "The City" recaps will return next season! (Also, the MTV reality shows "The Hills" and "The City" have been picked up for another season.) [Variety]

And there were still so many questions to answer: Will Brody and Jayde stay together? Is Heidi pregnant with Spencer's devil spawn? Will Kristin get together with Justin Bobby? Does Audrina actually have something to do? What ever happened to drunk Holly? Did Stacie the Bartender drink her under the table permanently? Stop wondering, you silly goose, and get your answers in bite-sized illustrated form!

Follow the action from last night's episode in nine easy steps (if you have a hard time reading the panels, click on the "Full Size" link underneath to see a larger version). This week, Stacie the bartender and Kristin travel to Vegas, Justin Bobby gets a booty call, and Spencer is the one who gets fucked when Heidi tries to get pregnant.

We distilled an episode of The Hills into 10 three-panel strips. That's two weeks' worth of contents on the funny pages! This is what it would look like.

Kristin and Brody Reminisce
Setting: The patio of a restaurant for brunch. They both look like they just spent the night rolling around in bed.
Panel One:
Kristin: Remember when we were together?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: We should do that again.

Heidi in Therapy
Setting: The office of Dr. Jordana Mosbacher, Heidi lying down on a psychologist's couch with her wrist on her forehead.
Panel One:
Heidi: Doctor, I don't know what to do. I want babies so bad, but my husband doesn't want them. I think I'm just going to stop using birth control pills and surprise him.
Panel Two:
Dr. Jordana Mosbacher: The decision has to be a rational one, not a hormonal or emotional decision.
Panel Three:
Heidi: Oh doctor, when have you ever known me to make a hormonal or emotional decision?

Brody and his Bros
Setting: A gritty, poorly lit pool hall. Three men huddled around a table.
Panel One:
Brody Bro: Hey man, I heard that Jayde and Kristin got in a killer fight over you.
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, Bro.
Panel Three:
Brody Bro: That rules.

Kristin and Jayde
Setting: A swaky restaurant. Both women have drinks. Jayde should be swirling a martini glass with one eyebrow on her plastic face permanently arched.
Panel One:
Jayde: I know you don't want to be here and I don't want to be here.
Kristin: Why are we fighting? You and Brody broke up.
Panel Two:
Jayde: Everything was fine before you showed up! You steal everyone's boyfriends.
Panel Three:
Kristin: You're a bitch.

Kristin and Lo at Lunch
Setting: The patio of a nondescript restaurant that looks like every other restaurant where they film patio scenes.
Panel One:
Kristin: Hi, Lo. It's nice to meet you.
Panel Two:
Lo: Yeah, the producers told me we're supposed to be friends now. What's happening?
Panel Three:
Kristin: Jayde and I got in a fight.
Lo: DISH!

Audrina Thinks Heidi Is Nuts
Setting: The same patio where they just filmed Kristin and Lo, later the same day.
Panel One:
Heidi: I'm going to stop using birth control and then romance Spencer with dinner and candles so he'll knock me up.
Panel Two:
Audrina (covering her face): Heidi, that is a really, really bad idea. I mean, even I think that's a bad idea.
Panel Three:
Heidi: No way. I always get what I want.

Brody and Jayde: The Reunion Special
Setting: The inside of a restaurant. Again, Jayde is swirling a martini and has a permanently arched eyebrow.
Panel One:
Jayde: I love you, but you're a jerk. Will you stop being a jerk?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Jayde: Yay, we're back together. Now you have to tell Kristin.
Broday: Yeah, bro.

Brody Breaks the News
Setting: Yet another restaurant. Don't these people have houses? Kristin is all dressed up for no apparent reason, but looking really good. Like most comic strip boyfriends, Brody is wearing the exact same T-shirt we always see him in.
Panel One:
Kristin : I think we have a really good thing together. I want it to be like old times.
Panel Two:
Brody: No, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: How dare you! Are you getting back together with Jayde?
Brody: Yeah, bro.

Heidi Tries to Get a Bun in Her Oven
Setting: The kitchen of Heidi and Spencer's glass coffin. Heidi is wearing an A-line dress and an apron. She is pulling a steaming turkey out of the oven, and kicking the door closed with one foot.
Panel One:
Heidi: Honey, I cooked dinner and made candles.
Panel Two:
Spencer: What the fuck is going on? Are you possessed?
Panel Three:
Heidi: No, I love you. Are you ready for dessert, and by dessert I mean sex.

Kristin and Stacie Make a Getaway
Setting: Back at the apartment, which is messy, strewn with clothes, crap, and empty martini glasses. For some strange reason, there is a bamboo gate at the foot of the stairs.
Panel One:
Kristin: Brody sucks, he got back together with Jayde.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Two:
Kristin: Justin sucks too. Listen, he's crying on my voicemail.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Three:
Kristin: What should I do?
Stacie: VEGAS!

Twitter has been around for years already, but at last Hollywood has completed its exploitation project.
The Wrap reports that one brave company has now led the charge for celebrities wishing to sell their 140 characters. They write:

Kim Kardashian, Joel McHale, Dr. Drew, Nicole Richie and husband Joel Madden and Audrina Patridge from "The Hills" are just a few of the names who have endorsement deals for their Twitter accounts.

The celebs are signing onto a new viral marketing strategy set up by the Los Angeles-based ad agency Ad.ly, which brokers relationships with the advertisers.

Currently, Ad.ly has lined up international companies such as Sony Pictures, NBC, Universal, Microsoft and Nestle for the new platform.

Lest you think this is just another example of the celebrity oligarchy shoving its will down the public's throat, the twitter-selling network is only to all interested parties who register on ad.ly's site.

That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.

When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.

He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.

"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.

Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.

Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.

They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.

But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.

As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.

But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.

She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.

We got a hold of Heidi Montag's shopping list for supplies her big night. You can't imagine the things this girl ordered.

• 50 clear plastic cups for drinking wine
• 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that none of the girls will touch but Brody and his cohorts will eventually throw at each other
• 40 40s, because Spencer and Brody will both be there, and they can do some serious damage
• 1 cantaloupe, because Stephanie is still on that strange diet and that is all she eats
• A tarp to put down in the driveway. That is where Kristin is going to confront Audrina about Justin Bobby, and we don't want any blood on the pavement
• 2 mops, one for each of the PAs who will have to mop up the blood
• Don't worry about picking up daggers, Audrina will bring them and shoot them out of her eyes when Kristin tells her that it must hurt "as a woman" that Justin Bobby said he was never together with her
• 1 pair of rubber gloves, because I don't want cooties when I have to pick up Kristin's chin from the ground after Audrina tells her that she and Justin have been hanging out.
• 20 tins of Cesar dog food, because it is the most expensive and someone tells me that I'm getting some puppies for my birthday
• A Karnac hat for Spencer, because he's been predicting the future. First he said that Kristin and Audrina would fight if I invited them both to my party, then he said that our kids would turn out all fucked-up. He's amazing
• Nametags, because Spencer has a friend Spencer and that is just confusing. Also, are was supposed to call Stacie "the bartender" or "Kristin's Friend?" And why are we still calling Justin Bobby "Audrina's Ex-boyfriend" when he's supposedly dating Kristin
• 1 athletic cup for Justin Bobby, because Kristin is pissed and coming for his nuts
• Estrogen for Jayde, even though she's not around, she needs her hormones, and I have a feeling we're going to be seeing her again soon. Spencer told me, and he is like a deck of Tarot cards with blond hair
• Airplane glue for when Enzo comes over. He and Spencer just love making models together. They are so cute
• 1 large cage, because if my drunk sister Holly shows up at my party (which she is not invited to!) we are keeping her away from the booze
• Streamers!
• 1 whip to go with Justin Bobby's Indiana Jones hat
• A Justin Bobby to English dictionary so that we will all know what "What's wrong with you. Slow it down. Cruise," means
• Some Common Sense Shampoo, so that Audrina and Kristin will wash Justin Bobby right out of their hair. First he told Kristin he was never with Audrina, then told Audrina he was never with Kristin and they both fall for that trick. Oh, that reminds me
• New tricks for Justin Bobby, who treats every girl badly in exactly the same way
• 3 pregnancy tests to find out whether the "replace my birth control pills with PEZ and hope Spencer doesn't notice" trick worked
• 12 DiGiorno pizzas for the cameramen, because they get so hungry and light me badly when they're hungry

We have a feeling that if this secondary character from this Malibu-based show—where people talk about a party, go to a party, and then talk about what happened at a party—actually went to rehab it would sound something like this:

Hi, everyone. My name is Holly, and I'm an alcoholic. (Hi, Holly!)

I don't really know where to start. I guess everything started to unravel when I was at this party on the beach at this girl Kristin's house. I showed up, and the first thing I did was make a cocktail, even though there was this girl, Stacie, hanging out there and she is a professional bartender. Why can't she make my Jack and Coke? Kristin is bitching because she is dating this guy, Justin Bobby. I don't know, maybe you heard about him? He was supposed to come to the party but texts and says he can't come and Kristin is pissed and bitching out it. So, of course I start drinking, because how else are you going to deal?

Then this guy Brody, who I always thought was really hot, but he said he won't date me because I don't have a drag queen name, he shows up with all his boys and they're drinking 40s. Now this is a party. I talk to Brody for a bit and I'm all like "Why are you still with that tranny?" And he's like, "I don't know. She thinks I want to bone Kristin and I'm all, 'She's just a friend.' Now Jayde won't come." The stress of this makes me want to drink even more, until Jayde shows up and Brody starts to pay attention to her. That's when I think it's a good idea to start dancing. I love dancing when I drink and I just flail about and everyone stares at me and I love the attention.

Brody still won't look at me, he's inside talking to Jayde, and he's happy that she's there for a minute, but that she was really drunk and Brody said she drank a whole bottle of Jaegger, but I know that's a lie, because I drank most of it trying to get the "courage" to dance. They get in a fight and Jayde barges past Justin Bobby (have you heard of him?) as he shows up at the party. I'm looking for a half-full 40 that doesn't have any cigarette butts in it and I hear Kristin talking to Justin (she's heard of him, all right) and he's all, "Wasn't my joke text really funny." And Kristin was like, "I don't get the joke. Why did you have to say that. Why not just show up." And he's like, "Cause it's funny." I must have passed out behind the bar and I said "Isss na funny, Justin Bobby. You're na funny a tall!"

Then some girl with a clip board and a camera crew gave me another 40 and told me to go back in the kitchen and they had the same conversation all over again. I thought it was a dream, like I was so drunk that I was hallucinating that our lives were some kind of television show and that I had played my part for the day and it was time to break character and go home, but I couldn't, because the character is me. I kept trying to say this to Stacie, the bartender, and she just gave me another drink and picked a wad of gum out of my hair and called me a cab. I bet in the morning that bitch Stacie woke up and made a drink before she even had her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then went out on the beach and told Kristin that I have a drinking problem.

The next day, my sister, Heidi, and her sister-in-law, Stephanie, called me over to Heidi's house. I was so glad when I got there that Heidi wasn't "babysitting" for the child actor that she calls Enzo that she hires every so often to try to convince her husband that it's a good idea to have kids. Enzo is real annoying, and he makes me feel guilty for putting Jameson in my coffee because he says, "My mommy does that too!"

They try to give me some sort of inner tension? Inbetweener? Something where they tell me not to drink. Stephanie is all "rehab saved me life," and I wanted to be all "it didn't stop you from getting a DUI last week, biatch. SNAP!" but I didn't. I let Holly tell me she's concerned about me. We both started crying. I'm not sure why. I just don't like it when everyone pays attention to me and I'm sober. I needed a drink and a dance break something bad. But then Stephanie said I had to go to rehab, I couldn't deal with it. Like I said, I wanted a drink and a dance, so I stormed out and flipped them the bird on the way out.

I went next door to Enzo's mom's house and she was waiting on the front porch with a martini in hand. "Trust me, sister. I know just what you need." And she held open the door as I walked in and collapsed on the couch. "With extra olives!" I said, because I hadn't eaten breakfast and my sunglasses were making my neck sore, so it had to be time to feed.

Maybe it was the booze or maybe because I hadn't had anything but those two olives and three Tic-Tacs in a week, but I must have passed out. I had a dream that Jayde started another fight with Brody, telling him that she thinks he has feelings for his ex, Kristin, and that means that he does. Even when he denies it, she turns his denial all around and confuses him and makes him think that he's in love with Kristin. Brody is hot, but it's pretty easy to convince him of just about anything.

Suddenly, I bolted awake, or at least I thought I did. I don't know, maybe I was still dreaming. I had been stripped naked and was tied to a bed and a bunch of old people in robes were circled around me chanting. There was a star in a circle painted in dark red on the comforter and all this crazy shit on the walls. Everyone was naked and Brody was standing next to me, he was naked too and looked good but he said "Quiet, Holly, just go back to sleep. Everything is going to be OK." They were all holding candlesl. Justin Bobby—I know you've heard of him—he tightened the restraints as everyone was getting closer to the bed and kept saying that I looked so much like this girl Rosemary, but I never heard of her. And then Spencer, my brother-in-law came in and tried to have sex with me. He said that Heidi wasn't right to carry his baby, no matter how much she wanted it, and I was the one who was going to give birth to the anti-freeze, the anti-climax, I don't know, it was anti-something and this dream was freaking me out.

When I woke up, back at my place in a pair of tattered jeans with chucks of my smashed sunglasses still in my hair, I knew it was time to get clean. I never thought that rock bottom would be filled with so many naked people and a very strange altar in my sister's neighbor's basement, but it lead me here, so it must have been the will of God, or some other dignitary.

Thanks for listening.

It is not a sex tape of him with ex-girlfriend Audrina Patridge or current girlfriend Kristin Cavallari, but the video is some strange footage of Holly Montag drunkenly dancing at an art opening. That's almost as good. But the real scandal will come from the contents of his text message mailbox.

From Lo: That she's over you. I told you shaving the beard wasn't enough.
To Lo: Whatever, I'll show that bitch.

To Kristin: Lo says you say that you're over me. What gives?
To Kristin: Are you going to text me back? Hello! Just because you're in Laguna Beach doesn't mean you don't have to respond.
To Kristin: Fine, don't text back. I bet you're talking to your dad about me right now. He probably doesn't even care about me or Brody or Jayde or any of this.
To Kristin: Your dad blows. He's not a real Italian unless he has it tattooed on his chest. Tell him that!

From Spencer: Dude, Holly is wasted again. I told you you should have come to this party. Now she's dancing like a fool.
To Spencer: Haha. That's awesome. I'm on my way. I need a video of this.

To Holly: Hey, you drunk bitch, I'm gonna come take a video of you dancing drunk.
From Holly. U Betr not. And im nots a drnk bbitch. Fyck yoo.

To Kristin: Why haven't you texted back. That's it, I'm coming to your house.
From Kristin: Please, don't come to my house.
To Kristin: Too late, I'm there already. I just let myself in. I'm cooking.
From Kristin: I bet you're cooking Italian. Haha. Are you really there cooking? That's creepy.
To Kristin: Looks like you're going to have to show up and find out.

To Audrina: I've been thinking about you.
From Audrina: Please stop. I'm out on a date.
To Audrina: With who? I'm going to come and find that dude and kill him. He's not as cool as me.
To Audrina: Does he have a motorcycle?
To Audrina: Or an Italia tattoo? Didn't think so.
From Audrina: Shut up, Justin.

To Derrick: Dude, Audrina's dating some other guy. I'm gonna find that dude and kick his ass. You gonna have my back.
From Derrick: Maybe you should be a little nicer to the guy. You're done with Audrina, right?
To Derrick: Yeah man, but not really. And I can't believe some guy thinks he's as cool as I am. I bet she's saying all these lies about me, like I steal CDs and stuff.
From Derrick: I bet it's not like that, man.
From Derrick: OK, she was out with me.
To Derrick: Haha. Don't lie just to calm me down.
From Derrick: No, I'm serious, it was me.
To Derrick: That is fucked up man. I'm glad I wasn't serious about kicking some guys ass, cause I could totally take you.
From Derrick: So, does that mean it's not cool to date your friend's ex?

From Specner: Hey man, want to come to Holly's intervention with me and Heidi?
To Spencer: Nah, that sounds boring.
From Spencer: No way, it's gonna be awesome. I bet as soon as she sits down, she orders a drink.
To Spencer: I'm totally selling that footage of her drunk I have on my phone.
From Spencer: You should. That shit is funny.
To Spencer: So, are you there? What happened?
From Spencer: She said she's gonna quit booze.
To Spencer: Yeah, right.
From Spencer: I know man, this is gonna be awesome. But maybe this will keep Heidi from bugging me about having kids for awhile.

To Kristin: I'm glad you forgave me last night for not going to Brody's party. I'm just jealous of you and Brody.
From Kristin: Well, I'm on my way over there now.
To Kristin: Even though I don't want a girlfriend, you can't bone him.
From Kristin: We're just friends, Justin. And you're not my boyfriend, you can't tell me what to do.
To Kristin: That's it, I'm texting Audrina.

To Audrina: Where are you?
From Audrina: I'm sitting on the deserted roof of a hotel surrounded by fairy lights. It's a completely natural setting. Where are you?
To Audrina: I'm on my way over.
From Audrina: Why? What do you have to say?
To Audrina: I don't know what to feel or say.
To Audrina: There is nothing better than Audrina Patridge.
From Audrina: OK, I'll see you soon. But if you smell like Kristin, I'm leaving.
To Audrina: Nah, baby, it's not like that. If I wanted a girlfriend, I would totally love you.

To Kristin: Haha. I'm hanging out with Audrina. How's Brody now?
From Kristin: Jesus, Justin. Grow up.

• Stephanie Pratt was busted for a DUI. I woke up late again. Are you surprised on either account? [TMZ]
  
  
• Roman Polanski got removed from Swiss jail for an unknown medical condition (it's probably "I Wanna Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge-itis"). I know this is where I'm supposed to be like I HOPE THEY PUT A SCALPEL UP HIS ASS but (A) honestly I'll save that for the mob rule and (B) they'd probably use a tiny corkscrew instead. Get it? [NYDN]
  
  
• Two books are being written about Mickey Rourke, and both of them detail how he's completely obsessed with the mafia and being a mafia groupie. Apparently, he was hanging out with John Gotti in 1996 when Gotti was arrested, but, uh, wait. There are two separate books being written about Mickey Rourke? The fact that two separate publishers gave the go-ahead for two separate books about Rourke is kind of incredible. Someone should write a book about that. [NYP]
  
  
• OH MY GODDDDD Rush and Molloy, the Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team who front the New York Daily News' Sunday gossip page, have yet again set their moose and squirrel sights on the most boring possible scoop: Michael Jackson's shady doctor of death, Conrad Murray, is looking for a book deal. (A) No shit and (B) who cares? More about the "tragic" ending of The Hills, plz. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan can't tell the difference between a cake shaped like a giant perfume bottle and a giant perfume bottle. I would try to explain how we came to this breaking news, but the anecdote's so patently ridiculous I can actually feel the weight of my cranium lighten having just toasted a few brain cells by reading it. To think, I could've used those on glue. [Page Six]
  
  
• Again, Daily News, really, you guys are lacking in the gossip department on the weekends. Ben Widdicombe, where you at, son? I'm only here two days a week. [Oh, that's right, he quit like, last April or something, but I wouldn't know that because who gives a shit about the NYDN gossip pages any more when Boris and Natasha are your big show?] Anyway: "Michael Jackson's children thrive in more normal childhood after life with King of Pop dad." You're joking, right? This is a headline? They could live in the New Museum and they'd have a more normal life than they did with Dad. Jesus.[NYDN]
  
  
• Penn Badgley has ten secrets the Daily News has "uncovered." He didn't graduate high school, he likes tequila, he forgets the words to the National Anthem, America's Best Dance Crew is his guilty pleasure, and he hates L.A. No, I'm serious, there're five more where that came from, and I'm not clicking over to read them. Thank you, New York Daily News, for basically describing most of America, including me. Unless the next five are "he enjoys huffing paint, molesting animals who're just a few inches too big for the petting zoo, can shove an entire Slinky up his ass, will beat me in backgammon, and plays the vacuum a la Jon Fishman," I could really care less. [NYDN]
  
  
• This is awesome: Shia LaDouche didn't show up for the New York, I Love You premiere and it's being blamed on mean old cokeface Oliver Stone not letting him out to go to the premiere while shooting Wall Street 2. They then note that Scarlett Johansson didn't go, either, because her segment was cut out of the film. Whoops! But you know who those suckers missed? the Post goes on to ask. No guys, please, tell us. Let's make them jealous: "They missed Cloris Leachman, director Mira Nair (who's helming the upcoming "Amelia"), Rocco DiSpirito, Peter Facinelli and porn star Savanna Samson." BAHHHHHAHAHA [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Allen is now shamelessly casting the world's hottest women and doesn't give a fuuuhhhck what you think about it. Not only is he putting them in movies, but he got Penelope an Oscar, suckers, and he did it in Spain by putting her in a suggested threesome with ScarJo and Javy Bardy. Beat that. Now he wants to make a movie starring Andriana Lima in Rio. Okay, the last few we understand, but just because Adriana Lima's been on an episode of How I Met Your Mother and one of Ugly Betty does not mean you should put her at the front of your new movie, Woody (and yes, truly: Woody). To balance out her skill you're going to have to cast F. Murray Abraham as her love interest, or something. Which I'd pay $10 to see. [Page Six]
  
  
• This Page Six item begins: "Now that "The Hills" is coming to a tragic end, its stars are busy promoting themselves to find new gigs." What the shit? A "tragic end"? Is this like the end of Dead at 21 where they all just fizzle out or get killed by the shadow (Reptilian, obvi) government? What the hell have I been missing on that show? Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bloomberg is Turning Japanese! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM, BAM BAM BAM, BAM! EEEEE! [Page Six]
  
  
• New Yorkers, this one's for you: Vincent Kartheiser and one of the other guys from Mad Men—I don't know who it was, I don't watch that show, because nothing ever happens on it—were seen eating at DBGB, which just scored (a low) two stars from the new New York Times dining critic Sam Sifton, who we need to kidnap in the middle of the night with Adam Platt and Jay "Six Shooter" Cheshes and Ryan Sutton and get him really shitfaced at the Cherry Tavern and make him eat everything off the value menu at McDonalds at the end of the night. Hazing! It happens! The dude's too soft, let's toughen that pussy up! Anyway, the only other important thing you need to know about this item is that Vincent Kartheiser was in the massively underrated Larry Clark movie, Another Day In Paradise, which also starred James Woods saying "fuck" or some kind of variant of it every three seconds and Melanie Griffith being punched in the face by James Woods (this is the most epic moment in the film). I kid you not. Watch it, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• A little girl helped Pamela Anderson carry around the train of her dress at a party because she had asked Anderson if she could, and a bunch of downer assholes like me are being all like, ohhhh, what a biiiiitch, I can't believe she's promoting child labor, Godddddd. But that's a dumb joke and honestly it's really cute that Anderson would let a kid do this. See! We're not all bad! The funny thing is that Tommy Lee's now going to try to get someone to hold up his three foot dong for him whenever he pisses and hopefully it won't be a kid. Seriously, though, you can get some great intern candidates for that kind of thing coming out of the ACC schools. [Page Six]

And oh, what the hell? Good morning, everyone! This day's going to be wonderful. Please sing along:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Dear Diary,
I woke up at about one today because Kristin was banging on my door with three cameras and two ladies in tight jeans with clipboards. They all wanted me to go shopping at The Hustler store. It must be really hard for Kristin to be so famous in Canada that people are following her around all the time. I wouldn't want to have all those cameras on me.

Anyway, we go to the store and we play with some sex toys, but we're really looking for a present for Kristin's ex boyfriend Brody. I totally tried to sleep with Brody once, when Kristin was back in Canada getting famous. I kept giving him free shots of Patron hoping that he would tell me how pretty I was, and then when he was really wasted we kind of made out a little bit, but it was all fun. Then he told me that he can't date a girl with a job, because he has needs. Then he met this girl named Jayde. I don't know how I know that her name is spelled with a Y in the middle, but she just seems like she would, you know.

Because it's during the day, I get invited to Brody's birthday party. It's very exciting and there are lots of girls in bikinis jumping on trampolines. It's just like the bar where I work. And then all these girls like Stephanie and Lo are there and they are asking me to get them drinks. Can't they tell the difference between when I'm at work and when I'm not? God, I only wear a bikini at work and a one piece when I'm out with my friends. It's not that hard to tell the difference.

Everyone keeps asking Kristin where "her man" is, and by that I think they mean Justin Twonames, because it would be kind of weird to take her dad to a birthday party. Even though Justin Twonames isn't showing up, Kristin is telling everyone she's dating him. I tried to date Justin Twonames once, and he came over and surfed while I lounged on the beach and watched him. And then he came up and shot water all over me from a hose and I jumped up in down in my bikini, even though I wasn't working. But then I realized he had a huge tattoo that said "Italia" across his chest and I was like, awesome, and then I told him that I wanted to get tattoos of stars on my toes, and he thought that was stupid. Wait. That didn't happen to me, it happened to Kristin. But she told me about it.

After the birthday party, I totally called the bar and told them I wasn't coming in because Kristin was having an afterparty for Brody at her house. At first, no one was there, and Kristin and I were hanging out and I was telling her all about the exact science behind mixing drinks. I told her that I was thinking of creating, like, a school where we could train bar scientists, but I call them mixologists, because that sounds way more official. Well, Brody showed up and said that he got in a big fight with Jayde about whether or not to go to the party. Luckily we didn't have to hear that much about the fight, because it sounds boring. I just want to do more shots. Hey, Diary, do you want a shot? Cheers!

The next morning, I woke up on the couch in my bikini, which probably means that all the boys got me drunk and convinced me to make drinks for them. Gosh, why is it that all they think I'm going for is making cocktails? Well, I do make a mean cocktail, so I poured out the liquid from all of the half-full containers into a cocktail glass and used some science and it became a Cosmo. See, if your glass is half-full you can make it full-full and drink before noon. Being a "Mixologist" is great!

But sometimes I get jealous of those girls that don't have to work. It must be nice to be Heidi and stay home all day and think about new ways to pester Spencer into having babies. You know, that is really going to work. I almost convinced Spencer to father my baby once. I was all "I'm going to keep inviting the neighbor kid over until you knock me up" and he was like "Ok, but I'm totally going to torture him." That's totally cool, cause I'll do all the parenting. But the pregnant part I can't do alone. We both have to pee on that stick or it won't have two blue lines which means that I'm gonna have his baby. Then Spencer took me out to dinner and he was wearing this stupid cowboy hat and I was like "Sorry, I don't want my baby to be born with hat head," so I dumped him and got a job working at the very bar where we were talking. And I've been a working girl ever since.

No one wants to hang out with Audrina these days, and they're saying that they have to because of some TV show, and I keep telling them that it's not a TV show, it's the paparazzis because Kristin is so famous in Canada. And then they're all, "Can I have a vodka soda?" and I'm all, "Hello, one piece! Make it yourself!" Anyway, Kristin told me I have to hate Audrina because went to the Tool concert and ran into this guy Derrick. Then they went out on a date. Talk about a tool concert. LOL. I'm so funny. Ok, Diary. Time to put on my bikini and go to work.

Kisses,
Stacie

The trouble with Heidi and Spencer began with a visit from Stephanie to their glass coffin when Heidi confessed that she had eaten the poisoned apple and wanted to fall into the deep, deep sleep of motherhood. Spencer only cares about himself and hates kids. We find him to be deplorable but his decision not to spawn with Heidi means to be one of his smarter decisions, like every time he takes off one of his ridiculous hats. But Snow Heidi has enlisted Seven Dwarves of the Apocalypse, and their names are Giuseppe, Luigi, Antonioni, Malfi, Anthony, Vincente, and Enzo, and they are brought over to the house by their parents Caroline and Seth, who are Speidi's new neighbors.

This is all just a plan to get Spender (as Enzo calls him) to get hip to giving her some babies, because she is tired of shopping for clothes for herself and has been banned from just about every clothing store in the greater Los Angeles area, so for her to continue shopping, she must have a baby and enter into the untapped maternity/baby wear retail market. Hey Big Spender (duh da duh nah) is not down with this plan and when Heidi volunteers to babysit for the Seven Dwarves, Spender says "Hey, ho, it's off to work you go," and tells Seth and Caroline to go back to the queen with a deer's heart in a box.

Later, little Enzo escapes the witch's clutches and runs to the embrace of another harpy, Heidi, who puts him under the spell of some video games. The wee thing wails on the Wii and when Spender comes home, he refuses to babysit for free. This is what happily ever after looks like, ladies and gentleman, and we wish that Heidi would just slip back into her coma and leave the rest of us alone.

Once upon a time, Kristin was across town having a conversation with the producers that went something like this:
"Hey Mary from MTV, with your little clip board and denim miniskirt, why am I sitting at this restaurant to have lunch with Audrina and she's not here. Is she coming?"
"No, she's not. How do you feel about that? Are you angry? Show us angry."
"Yeah, I'm angry. At you for wasting my time! Did you know she wasn't coming?"
"Did you know she wasn't coming?"
"I thought she was coming because you set up this lunch and told me to be here. So, is she coming?"
"Well, no. We told her to, but then she went shopping and decided that she didn't want to."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"We were hoping you would throw a scene and make some angry phone calls when she didn't show up. And your cell phone is right here, why don't you pick it up and..."
"I don't want to talk on the phone, I want to have lunch. I'm starving, and I got my hair done all nice and now I have no one to eat with. Don't make me waste good hair on footage we can't even use. Who can you get here?"
"We can probably get Lo. She never has anything better to do."
"Alright get Lo over here."

Twenty minutes later, Lo arrives. They talk about something and we get a few good shots of Kristin's good hair. All is not lost.

Audrina was too busy worring about her new career as a medium. She figured that she looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and that means that she has magic powers. Her first case was to help the lead singer of Vedera, who is possessed by the spirit of Natalie Imbruglia. The spiritual infestation caused her to cut her hair and play the piano and sing while coyly eyeing all the boys in the audience. Audrina thinks that by bringing her friends to the show, she can cure Natalie of her horrible condition, but it doesn't really work, because Audrina is soon possessed by the spirit as well, swaying back and forth and blinking at the stage with her big wide eyes of wonder. Until she feels a disturbance on the spirit plane.

Yes, across town Justin Bobby—who shaved and now looks like Vincent Chase's stunt double from the set of Aquaman after he had that concussion when a giant piece of kelp fell on his head—has arrived to Playhouse, a club where women are suspended from the ceiling for the enjoyment of spoiled L.A. teenagers. It's much like the movie Hostile, but the only hostiles here are everyone when Kristin shows up. She tells Justin Twonames that she just wants to be friends, but she really wants to take sweet revenge on Audrina by shaving her name into Justin Twonames ample pubic hair.

She does this by taking him off in the corner to secretly make out in front of everyone. Stephanie sees and she thinks "Aw shit, I'm going to have to tell Audrina and she is going to try to possess me with her new voodoo powers and make me go over to Kristin's house and cut off her pretty hair." Brody sees it and he thinks, "Damn, that really turns me on. I never realized just how hot Justin Twonames is. No wait, I can't be gay. I'm going to have to round up ten guys and go sit in a hot tub with them, because that is the straightest thing I could possibly do. Miss Female Illusionist Superstar 2006 Jayde sees it and, if she could think, she would think, "Wow, my tuck is really starting to hurt right now."

And then Maleficent turns into a dragon and devours them all and flies off to New York City, where her leather turds land on Canal Street and are shaped into fake purses on The City.

The light from the blinking neon signs of Times Square filters through the Venetian blinds and casts shadows across the face of femme fatale Erin, who goes to private dick Joe Z because she's having some trouble. Her man is seeing another lady called Olivia Palermo. "Not only is she a horrible person and bad at her job, but she looks better than me, with all her money and designer clothes and Rapunzel hair. We need to take her down. I don't have much money, but..." and she presses her manicured nails against Joe Z's well-tailed suit and leans in for a kiss lifting one stockinged leg up in the air. Joe Z turns away, lighting a cigarette and says, "I just don't swing that way, kid. You're going to have to try harder."

Madge Palermo has to go into the seedy underworld of Canal Street to buy some fake bags so that Erin can save her hide from an evil mob boss by producing a segment for the Today show. She got the idea by looking at Madge, who is a real Louis Vuitton, whereas she is the plastic kind that ladies fresh off the Sex and the City bus tour pick up in Chinatown. She hopes no one notices the difference. And if they do, she will slap them and they will say, "It's real." Slap. "It's fake." Slap. "It's real." Slap. "It's fake." Slap. "It's real and it's fake!"

Madge gets in a town car and rides downtown, where she walks down the steps of the subway so that a film crew can film her walking up the stairs and fool everyone in America to think that she rides the underground railroad. She may not take the J/M/Z, but she is on the underground railroad for counterfeit handbags where she meets singing folk hero Fucci Prado. This magical agent of cheap fake leather goods is on the lam from the authorities so he has encoded messages into a song which he sings while walking up and down the sidewalk with a magical menu of his wares. If his tune isn't loud enough, he has also figured out an intricate system of messages in his clothing that displays just what he has for sale and how much it costs.

Madge is wooed by his song and buys his goods, rushing away, but turning around to blow Fucci Prado a kiss and he ambles into the crowd, crooning his city ditty and happy at another good deed performed in the service of market capitalism. She takes her spoils back to the seedy motel that Elle is using for a headquarters, and Private Dick Joe Z is finally seduced by her haul. Erin grabs his crotch and squeals, "But Joe, we had a deal!" and he says, "I don't care, kid. The grass is always greener and you're put out to pasture." She turns on her heel and storms out grabbing her purse and mink stole off a wooden chair on her way out and then she quickly pivots and looks back at Joe Z and says, "You may want her now," and the camera closes in on her face, as a single tears rolls down her cheek from underneath her veil, "But just who is going to take you to the Today show?"

Across town, two other femme fatales are dealing with Whitney, who is like the boring good girl on the show that is written out after the first act, because watching villains is so much more fun. In this case it's Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael and Kelly Cutthroat. Roxy Carmichael wants to be everyone's friend and she's trying really hard, even though she is mean and slutty. There's some sort of photo shoot for jeans and Whitney and RC have to drive a bunch of shit over. They don't bring the clips that they are supposed to, and Kelly, looking less haggard and puffy than usual, doesn't yell at them too much.

Then RC tells the client that he should have the model take her top off, because that is what she did after her senior prom, running along the beach with her boyfriend chasing her. It was night and dark and she stripped off her top while he chased her with camera in hand, and she held her ample breasts with one arm as she turned around doe-eyed and gazed into the lens, her eager Cassanova snapping away. As she feel backwards into the dunes, he kissed her so deeply. And in the morning, Cassie had slapped a Guess logo on the photos and sold them for millions of dollars, and all she had was a heart full of hurt and her hair full of sand.

The client loves the idea, and so does Kelly, but she wishes she had her own post-prom fantasy, and later, back at the office, she tells Roxy Carmichael that she is a very good slut, but next time, run her porno inspirations by her so that she can take credit for them. After all, she is the heroine of her own fairy tale, even though most people see her as the monster.

The big news for the sixth season is that Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach fame was returning to bitch it up after LC, the show's grand dame of drama, left for greener pastures. And those pastures are green with big money. Today it was announced that the Twilight team will adapt her novel into a movie. Earlier this year Audrina Partridge decided to call it quits for her own reality show and today Stephanie Pratt, the prattling sister of reality über-goober Specer Pratt, said she was quitting the show because she's sick of it.

I can understand why. Last night, I decided it was finally time to cave in to the peer pressure of the pop culture machine and finally watch an episode of this show. Yes, last night Kristin Cavallari popped my Hills cherry and it was excruciating. During the episode, she returns and attends a welcome back party for Spencer and Heidi Pratt (nee Montag), the amalgamation of everything insipid that is known and self-promoted as Speidi. It was less of an excuse to have a party and more of an excuse to have Kristin show up and start some shit, which she does. Because the show exists in its own beautiful snow globe of wealthy white people who only interact with each other, because Kristin wasn't on the show it's like she fell into a wormhole and was transported clear into the Alpha Centauri galaxy never to be heard from again.

Brody Jenner (who I find horribly dreamy in spite of myself) isn't tense about his ex-girlfriend Kristin being teleported back into their tiny sphere by a black hole the producers created out of money and Kristin's failed acting career, but his girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid she's going to steal her man. And so is Audrina, who recently broke up with Justin Bobby—who looks like the punchline of a Joaquin Phoenix performance art piece, except he is totally missing all the irony. So they all sit around and talk about this with the sort of tepid trepidation of a year book committee that doesn't want the cover of their magnum opus to be maroon, but navy blue, because they have always dreamed about having a navy yearbook on their coffee table for the rest of their lives, but the school colors are maroon and white, so they have to deal with the color scheme even though it's ruining their lives.

Anyway, Kristin shows up at the party and starts some retarded fight that I don't understand, probably because I haven't had enough Patron shots and don't speak the spoiled patois of the Malibu faux-lite but it had something to do with Kristin talking to Justin Bobby's beard and that made Audrina upset. She yelled a lot and cowed the Year Book Committee to scurry back to the cafeteria to regroup and talk about whether or not they were going to go to some birthday party. Where the same drama is repeated, except without as much yelling.

I watch a lot of really trashy television, but I just don't get The Hills. I understand that it's fun to watch these little wind up toys sputter and twist when faced with the petty squabbles and slights of an insular social circle. I understand that the characters have been made into heroes and villains and that they're all so stupid that there is a certain pitiful superiority one feels while watching them try to navigated massaged reality before the cameras. Yes, I understand it, I just don't get it.

The City, though, I not only get, but totally love. While The Hills feels like regression, The City feels like a progression. It's a similar sort of snow globe, but one where characters actually have goals, things are actually happening, and the fights have real-world consequence.

Whitney Port, a refugee from The Hills, tries to play like she's the poor girl taking on the big, bad city, but she's got a fat pad in the West Villiage and a boss—PR maven Kelly Cutrone—who is encouraging her to work less so she can start her fashion line. Last night, Whitney's old friend Roxy shows up in New York and needs a job and a place to crash. Whitney hooks her up with both, but how does the affably daffy Roxy repay her? By throwing a giant party in her apartment that is so noisy the neighbors call the cops. This sounds just like the Jane Hotel, but it's happening on our TV screen. It's a fun arc that easily plays out easily over 30 minutes and really illustrates the trouble of starting a professional life in the big city in your early 20s—well, if you have a camera crew following you around and a big fat check from producers for just allowing your burgeoning life to be the entertainment for the masses.

The real star of the show, however, is socialite Olivia Palermo, who has been given a job as an accessories editor at Elle and faces off with the magazine's PR chief Erin Kaplan. This is real reality. Everyone knows only privileged and connected white girls get the plum jobs at fashion magazines. And when she gets there, Olivia has the sort of attitude you could expect to find in a girl with a prep school education who probably doesn't have to work for a living. And when she gets in a fight with Kaplan, it's not about who might have flirted with who in front someone's exgirlfriend at a party at the Pink Taco or who didn't say hi to such-and-such because they thought they had bad body odor. It's about a segment on the real live Today show. It's like an actual something. And if Olivia fucks it up then Kathie Lee Gifford is going to track her down and beat her like she's a Chinese sweatshop worker who won't sew fast enough. What's the worst thing that's going to happen to Kristin? Audrina isn't going to like her? Aww...

Yes, I love trashy reality television, but I want there to be real stakes along with the drama and I want it to have some sort of reflection on the world we all live in—that The City it has a reflection on the very specific Manhattan media world I live in probably makes me love it a little bit more. Earlier this week, when Lauren Conrad was asked if she would still watch The Hills she said, ""Probably not, I'll watch The City." Finally, someone from The Hills had something intelligent to say.

Just like knowing that producers of the "reality show" were punching up the action behind the scenes, we all knew that these kids weren't selling their souls to MTV for peanuts, but just how much they're walking away with is astonishing. On the eve of the new season, The Daily Beast's Nicole LaPorte (who was once stupid enough to accept Gawker editor Richard Rushfield's proposal of marriage) lets us know just how much they're making. Got your barf bag out? Good.

[Kristin] Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as [Lauren] Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year), according to a person with knowledge of the show's contracts. Conrad's deal stipulated that no other star's salary could match hers while she was on The Hills, but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren "Lo" Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, Conrad's BFFWB (Best Friend Forever With Benefits), he takes in $45,000.

No wonder Cavallari was lured out of obscurity to come back to reality television. And it is a travesty that Lauren Conrad makes almost $100K more an episode than Nene Leakes, the grand goddess of reality television programming. And this is just for the show, not counting all the endorsement deals and clothing lines and other contracts these professional wind-up toys have.

With a starting salary like this, no wonder President Obama said all the kids want to be on reality television to make some easy money. Like Spencer Pratt told the Beast, "Well, guess what, Obama? We have made it quite easier!"

Like all things evil in the world, Speidi is to blame.

[Image via Getty]

While some attributed the lightness and hope of this summer's successful Star Trek reboot to residual post-Obama good feelings, it was really just a classic genre pic, with zoom around the galaxy, sword fights, explosions and time travel. Not so for the sequel. Re-creator J.J. Abrams, who is writing the script with Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, says their sophomore effort needs a message.

The ambition for a sequel to 'Star Trek' is to make a movie that's worthy of the audience and not just another movie, you know, just a second movie that feels tacked on...There needs to be relevance, yes, and that doesn't mean it should be pretentious. If there are simple truths—truths connected to what we live—that elevates any story—that's true with any story."

Orci echos his sentiments and says that they're looking for the right issue to base the second movie around.

We got a lot of fan response from the first one and a considerable amount of critical response and one of the things we heard was, ‘Make sure the next one deals with modern-day issues.' We're trying to keep it as up-to-date and as reflective of what's going on today as possible. So that's one thing, to make it reflect the things that we are all dealing with today.

Just as Battlestar used a bunch of humans wandering through space to tell a story about the Iraq war and religion and D9 shed a new light on apartheid, racism, and awesome alien space suits, Star Trek now wants in on the contemporary allegory racket. We must say that is pretty rad. We love to blow shit up, but when you blow shit up with purpose, you get the thrill of blowing shit up, but don't have the residual guilt of watching something totally idiotic. The way aliens heads explode when you run over them with a warthog in Halo can be like, a metaphor for the way people's head explode when they are run over by a tank in the Middle East. Or something like that.

There are a few other properties out there that could use some similar intellectual gussying up if their writers ever want to get the time of day at the Soho House. Here some suggestion of how a little well-placed subtext can rescue these shows, and their crews, from their own stupidity:

The Hills:Discussing whether to help Kristen throw her birthday party, Audrina tells Heidi that there isn't room for enough people at the club. They tell her the only solution is for her to to decide who isn't allowed in the club and murder them when the place is overcrowded.
Metaphor: The health care debate and death panel misinformation.

Gossip Girl: Blair finds that putting on her headband makes her feel great and tingly all over. When she wants to buy more headbands, she discovers they are illegal and that the U.S. government is in a long, protracted, and expensive battle to keep headbands out of the country and off the streets. She becomes an advocate to free all the headbands and starts a march that has lots of bongos, puppets, and hacky sacking.
Metaphor: The war on drugs and efforts to legalize marijuana.

Family Guy: Peter's stupid conservative neighbors tell him that their dog Brian was not really born in America, but in Kenya, and they claim to have the kennel papers to prove it. If what they say is true, then Peter must put his dog down and then burn him in the public square while walking counterclockwise around the flames to prevent the spirits of evil from invading the country. He doesn't know who to believe.
Metaphor: The Birther movement.

Man Vs. Wild: While out in the wild, Bear Grylls meets an aimless Sherpa. The two fall madly in love. Bear brings the Sherpa home, but everyone denies their love and won't let them get married. They even go so far as the pass a law that forbids reality show hosts from marrying Tibetans. Everyone is really sad.
Metaphor: The gay marriage debate.

Wheel of Fortune: Every time a contestant wins the jackpot, he is given a trip to Guantanamo Bay! It's such a great vacation that they can't tell anyone what happens there or when they're going to be back. But while they are there, they get to enjoy lots of activities that include water. Now they wish they had picked Z, X, Q, and U for their extra letter, then they never would have guessed the puzzle.
Metaphor: Torture.

• Ha! Here's a dose of reality: The Hills "star" Stephanie Pratt tried to buy a bottle of champagne at a VMA after-party and her credit card was declined. She was later seen crying hysterically. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of "reality," apparently no real socialites want to hang out for Tinsley Mortimer's reality show, so producers are trying to concoct new A-listers to help provide some energy, because Mortimer is not "dynamic" enough to carry the show on her own. That's hardly surprising, but still amusing. [Page Six]
  
  
• There's video of Michael Jackson making the shocking confession that he was a pain killer addict. [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Grey says she will always remember Patrick Swayze — and his arms — with fondness. Funny, because we always heard that they hated one another. [ET]
  
  
• Katy Perry sure does get around — and doesn't have the best taste. The singer was spotted smooching John Mayer last Friday and then, after Sunday's VMA awards, locked lips with Russell Brand. Bleck. We need a mint just thinking about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brittany "Bre" Scullark, a semifinalist on America's Next Top Model, was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City yesterday and berating another woman at Starbucks. We all have our ugly side, huh? [TMZ]
  
  
• Bea Arthur once described Betty White as a "cunt." If anyone could get away with talking trash about White, it was Arthur. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ouch! Kim Kardashian wanted to meet Gerard Butler, but he told a would-be facilitator "No thanks." [MSNBC]
  
  
• Oh no! Elton John announced he wanted to adopt a Ukrainian lad, but officials claim that, at 62, he's too old. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of old men: Harrison Ford says he's signed on for the fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Because the world needs more bullshit movies, right? [People]
  
  
• Colin Farrell has successfully impregnated his girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda. [People]

• The best part about this Page Six item regarding Jennifer Aniston's fears and apprehensions over Gerard Butler completely forgetting who she is now that they're done shooting their film? When they refer to Butler's dog as a "pug of war." I want a "pug of war." Also, the way the tabloids have gone from writing about Jennifer Aniston in the mean ha-ha way to writing about Aniston in the "oh, god, her love life is such a mess we almost feel bad" way is almost worse, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well, Page Six pulled one of the better, more hysterical Scott Rudin stories I've ever heard. LOL-worthy stuff, this is:

  "As we sped along the expressway, Scott's phone buzzed," writes Rudnick. "He answered it, and his face became a mask of rage. He yelled, 'How did you get this number?' and hurled the phone at the windshield. 'Who was it?' I asked. 'My mother,' he replied, instantly calm."

  My feelings exactly. Scott Rudin's just a tortured Jewish kid, get it? [Page Six]
  
  

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart hate the paparazzi. Like, hate them. The paps are holding Pats and K-Stew prisoner in their lives. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart finally admits that she understands the formula making Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series so resonate amongst hypnotized teenagers: Vampires are sexy. Yes, and also, blood-sucking, money-sucking, and sleazy. Can we start the anti-vampire movement, here? Not the we-hate-vampires thing in True Blood, but more like the Vampires Suck Categorically More Than They Do, Literally movement. We should just move on to robots, or something equally ridiculous. Please. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown is going to, uh, have dance parties to repent for his bout of domestic violence? He can maybe invent a new dance, something like the Soulja Boy, but far slicker. You know how the moonwalk makes someone look like they're not really moving? Chris Brown can do that, except instead of taking him off the stage, he could slide into obscurity incredibly smoothly. [NYDN]
  
  
• How can LeAnn Rimes live without you, or her ex? Pretty easily, apparently. She misspelled the name of her ex on an annoucement to her fans on her website. FAIL. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winhouse may or may not be back with Blake, the crackhead ex-husband with whom she shares an intensely sadomasochistic relationship with. This is the kind of thing that could produce a great Winehouse album, which I'm convinced she still has in her. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rumer Willis wants a family reunion on screen with Demi, Bruce, and herself. Sure, whatever, just leave Koosher out of it. Also, this could make a great final chapter in the Die Hard franchise. [People]
  
  
• The Hanson bros are basically like, the Jonas Bros jacked out act. TRUTH. [TMZ]
  
  
• Audrina Patridge, the salutatorian of The Hills, is gearing up for her own "spicier, edgier, older" television show after "graduating" from The Hills. I wonder what that commencement speech sounds like. [People]
  
  
• Michaela Watkins: fired from SNL. EW gets the first interview where she admits that she doesn't know what Lorne Michaels was thinking, but he did tell her that she deserves her own show. Which, yes, is probably what he says to everyone when he cans them. Including his support staff. [EW]
  
  
• Ashlee Simpson, whose name I hate spelling out because it makes me feel like I've been netted in a wide conspiracy to make the universe far stupider than it was two minutes ago, tells Rachel Ray that she could "do the splits" when she was preggers. And how, exactly, did she know this? [US]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's grandmother fell in the driveway of the Gosselin complex and had to be taken to the hospital. [People]

And for those who made it to the bottom today, a treat: I've found this so called Pug of War. It is wonderful:

If this is what Gerard Butler has, then yes, I absolutely want one. Also, if I were Aniston, yes, I'd be worried.

Or if by not meaning anything that means something. Or if the lack of meaning says something that is in itself meaningful in a way that's more real than things that actually mean something...

'Twas a time when being famous for nothing meant something, but today it's a mere stepping stone — to being famous for nothing in a different way. Patridge told US Magazine that she will be leaving to focus on her acting career. She said at a junket for her upcoming film Sorority Row, "I moved to Los Angeles to be an actress, and before I got onto The Hills, I was going to auditions and castings and working full-time at [film studios] Quixote Studios and Smashbox."

Actually, mock if you will but, the last laugh may well be on Audrina. We hate to get prematurely excited but Sorority Row looks like it might just be the best film of a thus-far dismal 2009. Judging from the trailer, Row tells the story of a slain-Audrina, killed as the result of a sorority house prank, who comes back from the dead to wreak vengeance on her former sisterhood.

Well, it only took 80-some years of moviemaking to figure out that what audiences want to see is a zombie version of Audrina from The Hills going on a killing spree in the greek system, but finally Hollywood put it all together. Hats off to Hollywood. Looking forward to Sorority Rows 8 through 15. And congratulations to Audrina for taking entertainment to a higher ground than The Hills could climb.