They won over Min when she saw Speidi-related web traffic rise and rise. "That's when I thought, 'You know what? Let's just take a risk on these people,'" she says. And it's done wonders for Us. Janice must love them! And they love her too:

"Janice Min at Us Weekly is like a family member to us," Spencer said. "We love her. If my mom and her are e-mailing me at the same time, I'm like, 'Uh, Janice or my mom?' "

And the couple just keeps dreaming bigger and bigger. Heidi would like to keep pursuing her music, hoping to be "as big as Britney Spears and Madonna" one day. Spencer just wants to make money and be famous and maybe have his own reality show. And they both feel they deserve it. After all, what they do is hard work. Sort of:

"No celebrity does anything, really," Spencer said. "Unless you're a famous athlete who actually physically does something, like, how much work is reading lines from a script? We're improv TV personalities. That's way harder."

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: "We're entertainers" [LAT]

The timid little partridge (roommate: "Is she a little dim?") was feeling insecure about her friendships with Lauren and the devious Lo. And rightfully so. When she's not hermited away in her little guest cottage (the "Chateau," apparently), she's getting disinterested and cold looks from Lo. Lauren just dumbly plays along, either in the thrall of her wicked childhood friend or the wicked producers. Strangely, it's actually a bit sad to watch. At least Justin Bobby, on his best behavior for the cameras this time, is kind to her and listens and encourages some independence.

I can't believe the finale is next week! Thank God! It's an hour long, I believe. What will happen? Will Audrina move out? Will Spencer and Heidi stage their inevitable reunion? Will something actually happen? Puppy clip is above, with a great line from Lo: "His reactions are fantastic!" I often say the same thing about her!

SheLaughs' new line beats the original, Tiny Hot Pocket, Fresh From the Microwave.

Note the positions: Heidi stands, offering her ass up to the heavens and to men, ready for any sordid penetration. Audrina poses in an old, sexy style because she's an idiot and cried when she invited Jessica Rabbit to her 20th birthday party and she didn't show up and no one bothered to explain to her that Jessica Rabbit isn't real. Lauren is trying to look fun or animate or something and has maybe just peed herself. And dear old Whitney has fallen asleep or is dead. Look at the four of them all happy and stupid! They're just like the Sex and the City girls! Except, you know, real. Oh, and speaking of dead, down below watch Heidi crying over the sad death of her step-brother. Then watch as she snaps right back and talks about how bitchy Lauren is. Then, you can hear it faintly, a violin string snaps.

I must admit that I did get a bit giddy when Stephen came back. He's so nice and apple-faced (I don't really know what that means either), such a welcome change from bloated, snail-ish Jason and that old slick Willy, Brody. He said nice things and let her show him flowers! He took her to a nice dinner and didn't ogle other girls or say stupid things! Oh but wait. He, um, doesn't actually like her that way. And so Lauren was left sad and ponderous, as she always is, eating ice cream with the increasingly vicious ("You warm my little black heart!") Lo. So yeah, I guess there's some pathos there. But, um, didn't we see this on the entire first season of Laguna Beach?? When you run out of plot lines for real people, who in theory, um, do things, then I think you've got a problem.

Which leads us to the three biggest idiots working in "showbiz" today, Heidi Montag and the Pratts Spencer and Stephanie. What exactly were we supposed to get out of the Stephanie/Spencer scene in which an entire coffee shop had obviously been cleared out so they could snipe at each other from unseen cue cards? ("They're related to each other??" my roommate asked desperately.) Then Stephanie, whose presence on the show makes the world a worse place, trotted over to Heidi's for some more canned conflict. The sad part was they didn't even seem to feel like trying. "Whaaat?" asked a laconic Heidi when she found out that Stephanie was planning to attend a party for Lauren's (ridiculously beautiful) new house. "I don't know how this happened" mumbled Stephanie, who decided half-heartedly to stay in with Heidi and watch a movie. Blahhhh.

I'm not going to get into poor Audrina, spirited away in that little guest house, peering through the blinds at the Laurens LC and Lo, whining to her prince of the dim night boyfriend Justin Bobby. Because I don't care. I sincerely don't care anymore. I think I'm done with this show. They've clearly given up and decided I'll watch whatever gray piece of poop they serve me, and I'm not going to give them the satisfaction. I'm never watching this show again.

Until next week.

Janice Min will come to regret this: Her Us Weekly has named Lauren Conrad "Celebrity Designer Of The Year" as part of a special section called "Us Hot Hollywood Style Winners." (Click the picture at left for a full-sized image, courtesy Bryanboy.) Wow. Well, that's, uh, bold. Because the critics have not been kind to the Hills star's work. New York called her Lauren Conrad Collection "tragique." When Bryanboy saw the Us spread, Marc Jacobs' favorite gay Filipino fashion blogger barfed. Well, haters, Us wrote that Conrad has "won... a wide array of fans," so there. Their source? Oh, that would be Conrad herself, repeating something someone else told her:

"I was just with a stylist who said she has dressed a couple of celebrities in my pieces," Conrad said.

Examples? None are given, or pictured with the piece.

But, hey, there is a photo caption with this quote:

"She did a great job!" proud pal Audrina Patridge tells Us of Conrad's March runway show.

[Bryanboy]

They got a hold of an email from Courtney Hazlett, a columnist for msnbc.com's the Scoop, that blatantly mentions Heidi's invite, saying "Heidi, if you are indeed going to attend as our guest. I need to know in the next couple hours." So yeah, that's pretty clear. A rep for MSNBC says that it was, of course, the Post's fault. According to MSNBC, when Page 6 was originally reporting on the whole kerfuffle, they spoke to someone at MSNBC TV, not msnbc.com, who were the ones who actually invited Heidi along. Oh what clever semantics! It's hard to believe that no one in the TV division would be aware that America's greatest unnatural resource had been invited to such an austere event (dignitaries Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson will be in attendance) by their internet colleagues. Believe you me, if someone at Gizmodo was going out to lunch with Heidi Montag, I would know all about it. That's happening soon, right Brian Lam? [Radar]

The CW will be quick to shake its arm vaguely at the internet as an explanation for all this, while MTV will stay smug about The Hills' strong performance in the coveted 18-34 demo. TV blog Reality Blurred can't figure out why such low-rated shows get so much coverage, but suspects it has something to do with Los Angelenos' and New Yorkers' horrible, everywhere else-hating narcissism. You know, it's probably true. We do like to talk about ourselves. Though, if a show was filmed and took place in Ashtabula, Ohio, you can bet that the Star Beacon would write about it every damn day, too.

Spirit Fingers' new line beats the original, "Oh No... You Don't... Buster... There's No Way You're Taking... Our... Picutre... (Honey, Pose Hot!)"

Blair and Jenny were the stars of last night's episode, both vying for power over the dim, boring cadre of strangely dressed girls who populate the background of the show. (Though, not so much in the background this episode. Except for poor, inexplicably Asian Katy Farkas, who was shipped off to Israel!) Blair was sad about her dethroning and wore a little kerchief and sunglasses ensemble to disguise herself. Until Serena told her to take it off, saying that everything would be fine at school. Upon Blair's arrival at Constance, young, salamander-esque Jenny hurled yogurt into her hair and everyone laughed. Jenny was in! Sort of! All was not fine and dandy for the littlest Humphrey: she couldn't keep up with the financial strain of having a totally cool wardrobe! So she eventually resorted to stealing a red dress from one of her dopey friends and pawning it for the $1200 dress she really wanted. Little did she know, the one she took was a custom Valentino and worth a bamillion dollars, and was reported stolen by the girl's mother (they blamed the maid). So yeah, Jenny spiraled out of control. At the nadir of her spiral, Blair, angry over a stand-up at Butter (people still go there?), orchestrated a mortifying surprise party for Jenny at her family's hideous, dumpy, bright, spacious, and airy DUMBO loft. She was caught red handed (har har) with the dress, and the goils stormed out. Poor, broken Jenny ran to Nate (whose job this episode consisted of saying "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?") and ended up dragging him to Butter so her gaydarless friend could ooh and ahh at him. This was enough to welcome Jenny back into the fold, meaning Blair was out again. Alas, the lovable Blair's re-ascent to the throne was short lived, but I was happy that the writers seem prepared to keep this story line going for a while rather than wrapping it up neatly and quickly, as they tend to do.

Over in Serena territory, she sucked face with dopey Dan and sparred with soon to be step-brother Chuck "Sort of Appropriately Cast Because He Looks Like a Catfish" Bass. And she was being sent mysterious packages! Like porn and handcuffs, cases of expensive champagne, and little baggies of cocaine. She totes blamed Chuck. And to make matters worse, the little fairy that lives with her, Eric, was becoming friends with the nefarious fop. (They were probably playing a step-brotherly game of Army Doctor). But, what's this? At the end of the episode Serena received a chilling, bright yellow notecard with bubbly handwriting on it, grimly asking if she'd liked the gifts. It was from Georgina, who is on her way back! Serena fled to Chuck's hotel suite, where he'd been banished for the suspected bad behavior. He understood exactly who "G" was and gravely offered Serena a drink. So that's kind of exciting and ominous and whatever. I'm also, of course, keeping a close eye on Flounder, I mean Eric, because he's totally going to come out soon. Yesssss.

Over on The Hills, equal drama was going down, in its odd, muted way. The Heidi/Audrina/Lauren ballet continued, at a clurrrb of course, where Lauren yet again made it abundantly clear that she just can't abide Heidi or Justin Bobby. Yes, Justin Bobby! The brooding scarecrow came back on the scene and... he was not that bad. Didn't he seem a lot nicer in this episode? I dare say he actually listened to what Audrina had to say about her Lauren vs. Heidi issues. So that was nice to see. A little evolution, perhaps! Meanwhile Lo, who continues to tease us with her splendiferous bitchy side, wooed Lauren into renting a house. The pair half-heartedly invited Audrina to move in with them at the end of the episode, making it clear that the road to domestic bliss will be as bumpy as the hills for which the television program is named. [cue foghorn] In Spencer territory, his hilarious (and oddly endearing) descent into couch bum continued, peppered only with a testy conversation with Heidi. Not sure how his bitching and moaning factors into "Operation Win Heidi Back," but whatever, it's fun to watch. Ohh dear, and was it not wonderful/devastating when Heidi said she was coming to check up on him, and he shot back "You just said you came here to see Stephanie" and she made that sad little gurgling noise? When this show actually has a moment of, you know, reality, it just soars. Because these people can be hilariously (and heartbreakingly) human sometimes. I wish there was more of it. It makes you think of how terrific this show could have been if only the producers hadn't focused so much on forced situations. Sigh.

Either way, I continue to be entertained and wish long lives to both series. As ever, I ask humbly, what did you think?

It was bad. So bad. To Montag's credit, she trumpets Heidiwood's prices of $10 to $60 for any given item — compared to the triple-digit tags on L.C.'s line, that's a sure sign that she at least she understands her demographic. And yet everything we saw still gave us sticker shock. Paper-thin tanks for $27? Flimsy, panty-line-molesting dresses at nearly 40 bucks? Sure, that's a steal compared to Marc Jacobs, but not far enough removed from what you'd pay at the Gap for something that's at least 100 percent cotton and unlikely to give you a rash. When $37 seems exorbitant for a dress, you know you've got problems. In fact, it cemented our suspicion that Heidi is turning into Paris 2.0: terrible singer, lame boyfriends, famous mostly for on-camera pouting, and excessively eager to merchandise herself, regardless of actual quality. Luckily, it's possible no one else is interested. Not only were we alone in visiting Heidiwood, we were the sole shoppers at that Anchor Blue, period, exposing us to the naked curiosity of the employees. "Are you a ... fan of Heidi?" one of them asked.

Heidi continued her sad, tentative courtship of Audrina, inviting her to a whoo-hoo!-ing girls night out that offered grim portents of a drunken future spent sitting front row at Menopause: The Musical. But who should show up at S Bar (Esquire? Espar? Whothefuckcares?) but old Gargamel himself, Spencer. He surrounded himself with a bevy of ladies (who hilariously made fun of the way he was sipping a shot) to make Heidi jealous or something. And it worked! A yelling match ensued, in a color-soaked scene straight out of a Joel Schumacher movie. Later, at "work," Heidi bitched to dim officemate Kimberly, and uttered the most profound statement about herself, her ex-boyfriend, the show she is on, and many of the things I watch on television: "How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time?" How indeed.

Meanwhile, LC was helping Whitney at her new People's Revolution fashion gig. From what I can tell it mostly involved corralling the aforementioned dumb models so they don't walk into walls and whatnot. Whatever it entailed, Kelly was pleased and offered Lauren a job. Jessica, one of the other model herders, seemed none too happy with this development, as she was sent off to do menial little tasks by the frigidly dismissive Kelly while Lauren got all the praise. Oh, and LC had a hoarse-voiced early morning conversation with Audrina, in which she warned Audy about Heidi's ill intentions. Audrina didn't react much, she simply gazed off, like when babies are on TV shows and are obviously staring at their off-camera parents. A mostly Heidi-free Lauren storyline was marred by this little exchange. Ah well.

So, yes, the volume was high. UNLIKE MY SPIRITS!!!!

She and Lauren were interns at Teen Vogue's Los Angeles office, and Whitney had enough brains to say yes to a chance to spend the summer working in Paris, after Lauren, incredibly, turned it down to be with her boyfriend. That boneheaded decision, her boss tells her later, means that she's "going to always be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris."

The gist of the article is that the critic herself, Nancy Franklin, can hardly understand the appeal; possibly nobody can. "I think people watch it mostly to figure out why they're watching it."

I believe the appeal is that the viewer is not required to look for a deeper meaning. There is no deeper meaning, and that's comforting. In this way, The Hills is the Zen Buddhism of TV. We watch and accept the moments that Lauren Conrad gives us; the reward is the journey, not the ending. As critic Nancy Franklin says, the world of reality TV "has a surface but no volume."

Most of the conversations start with one or another of the girls asking Lauren what she did the night before, and, constant as the questions are, they seem to be asked not out of curiosity but out of obligation, as if the girls were being paid to ask—as, indeed, they are.

ChaimGnaldstein's new line beats the original, Reality Stars Overhear Someone Talking About Working Really Hard for a Masters.

Over in Heidi and Spencer territory, Spence's "Operation Win Heidi Back" began. He employed the genius strategy of talking callously about maybe dating another girl, letting Heidi get upset, then leaving the condo (again.) Heidi molded her Silly Putty face into a state of woe and befuddlement and Spencer returned to the sewers, where he lives with Linda Hamilton. I mean! To his sister's apartment where he dumped his shit all over the place and then demanded that she clean up after him. (Spence: "When's the maid coming?" Stephanie: "You're looking at the maid." Spence: "Well she needs to do something about those sheets on the couch where I'm sleeping." Stephanie: [in her head] "Oh, boyyyyys.")

And then, of course, we began to see the producers' indelicate hands meddling in the scene. You see, not only has LC been spending time with She-Pratt, but then, zoh mah gah, Audrina ran into Heidi at a clurrrb. Heidi extended a little olive branch, which Audrina accepted civilly, if reluctantly. Later on she let Heidi come over to pick up some old stuff, most notably a gaudy mirror. Lauren, upon hearing the news, was not terribly happy. "Just be careful..." (the title of last night's second episode) she said, obviously upset (and in the way that you'd talk to someone about a scary rollercoaster.) Earlier, Spencer freaked out on Stephanie for the perceived betrayal, which got her upset ("Stop making yourself cry," he said kindly). Then, when Heidi got more details about LC and Stephanie's budding friendship, she just couldn't understand why LC could accept Spencer's sister, but not his girlfriend (because of the history, duh). Stephanie argued that she and Lauren have "fashion in common." Heidi keened "But every girl has fashion in common." She has a point! Girls do wear clothes! I have to admit, though, that I felt a genuine pang of sympathy for poor disappearing Heidi. But then I snapped to and realized that the producers were slowly pulling off a wonderful, disjointed reunion of sorts. The Hills thrives on the Heidi/ Lauren dynamic, and it had been slackening a bit. But now, with these awkward new "friendships" being forged, everything's back in the center ring.

Oh, and I forgot the biggest detail of the night. At the beginning? What was playing? Fucking Tokio Hotel. They have arrived.

What did I miss? What of Brody's uneventful return? Is this show going anywhere, or are we forever going to be dreaming of an intangible Moscow?

(Sorry no clip. The video department at Gawker HQ is going through some new-office hiccups.)

You see, the two were in the same "computer class," sitting but two seats away from each other (the whole "computer class" terminology that was used over and over again was hysterical and made me think of summer camp and playing "Dig Dug"). This encouraged Stephanie, in a ferocious power play for a storyline, to awkwardly yip over to Lauren and apologize for drunkenly screeching at her last year. And so, after a contrived series of text messages and some strained "zoh mah gahs!" from the supporting characters (who the fuck is Kimberly?), the unlikely pair sat in the golden sun, ate some unidentifiable food and giggled about Spencer (who, according to Stephanie is "so homeless and so lame").

Over on the B reel, Whitney quit Teen Vogue (editor/boss lady Lisa Love was sooo nice and remembered all her lines!) and went to work for the supremely terrifying Kelly Cutrone's fashion PR company. It was fun and humanizing to watch her stumble into a scary, high-profile job completely unprepared (I may, um, know a bit about that) and then stick the landing in the end. She won Kelly's impermanent respect when she gave designers Sass & Bide some advice on butts and leggings. I've often felt that Whitney was our saturnine silent-observer, a Guildenstern or a Johnna in August: Osage County (those references will keep on coming until you all see it), so it was nice to see her get some airtime that didn't involve a dopey personal trainer. All told, the two episodes that aired last night were as quiet and staid as one could hope for. Someday they should do an episode of this show that's no dialogue, just its beautiful photography (extra-special facial expressions!) with Erik Satie's Gymnopédies playing in the background. As that's yet to happen, we've provided some non-Satie-laced footage of Stephanie, Spencer, and Lauren on this here post. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stare at my curtains as they dance softly in the breeze.

These are girls that grew up in the John Hughes era, and champion subversively feminist chick-programming like My So-Called Life and Gilmore Girls. Now they're glued to the couch every Monday night to find out if tone-deaf chanteuse Heidi Montag and lunkhead loser Spencer Pratt's on/off relationship is like, um, on, or like, um, off. (Hint: until it's no longer commercially viable, there'll be no resolution).

See, The Hills is a world where The Karate Kid loses. Where Jake Ryan never notices Samantha Baker, and the only thing Seth Rogen hits is his bong.

Wow, that's bleak.

Prediction: Ben Heller will be totally into the Hills in about three weeks. Or, at least, I hope so. His wife works at Us Weekly so it's hard to picture another scenario under which the marriage is saved.

HuffPo: Why The Hills Makes Me Love My Wife a Little Bit Less

The eerie thing about the column is that he comes across as sort of likable. I don't know how much he was edited, but I'm assuming it was a lot. So kudos to whoever reshaped his garbled mouth words into tolerable, almost warm bits of advice. The "be nice to your girlfriend in front of her mom, after all it's only for a weekend" bit is odious, but then he rescues himself in the next response by mentioning that he converted some "haters" at a Benihana. Oh, and may I suggest you go for the full waterboarding and listen to Heidi Montag's new single, the encouragingly-titled "No More," while you read? That's what I did. Now I'm keening softly to myself on the living room floor. Come, join me.

The episode was slow and derivative; even having the (sorta fun) nerve to play MC Solaar's French rap (ha) "La Belle et le Bad Boy," which featured prominently in the Paris-set Sex and the City finale. The Hills, which has always attempted to be the West Coast reality version of HBO's definitive ladies' bible (but younger! fresher!), didn't really get any excitement out of Paris the way SATC did. Most of what we saw of the city was seen from the window of a Mercedes or tainted by the presence of annoying French versions of Justin Bobby.

And speaking of annoying, Heidi and Spencer, (in what was essentially the premiere of a second, separate series) found themselves in the scenic, wintry wilds of Crested Butte, CO (Heidi's hometown). Heidi's crested buttes were as waxen as usual (along with her increasingly alien face) while her parents, in a coup de grace of producer indoctrination, seemed just as slyly aware of the cameras as the two crazy kids, who continued to falsely argue over a false relationship. Their story ended with a teary, frigid sort-of break up, with Heidi asking Spence to move out of the condo. Heidi said she just wasn't ready for the engagement, or for anything really. She just needed time. "Needing 'time' means it's over," my sister (wise and very into this) loudly intoned. Though my sister and the rest of us all know that they get back together anyway. After all, they were photographed not two days ago, happily dragging Heidi's niece through an Easter egg hunt. So what was the point of watching all this?

The whole thing, all carefully constructed Lauren pratfalls and inarticulate Prattag gobbledygook, felt like a foregone conclusion. We can now watch the show and shriek "I knew it!!!!"; not because we augured the future from the vodka-soaked tea leaves of last season, but because the plotlines have been splashed across gossip magazines for months. The Hills has shown its hand way too many times and gotten a bit old in the process. We all knew that Audrina's phone call about Brody having a new girlfriend was coming, and Lauren didn't even really try to seem surprised. I miss the freshness of the first season, when no one was famous enough to think they were above, you know, attempting to entertain us. And when we start pining for the golden days of The Hills, I worry that it's about time they shut it down.