Objectively speaking, some 24 year-olds repainting bike lanes on the street ranks in the bottom 10% of New York crime stories on any given day. But since they are HIPSTERS who love to ride bikes battling THE JEWS who hate hipsters and their immodest bike-riding attire, there in Williamsburg, in a sexxxy culture clash, well then. Two bike lane repainters got arrested and now the cultural martyrdom grows deeper:

"We're self-hating Jewish hipsters," Hechtropf joked last night as the two walked out of the 90th Precinct with desk-appearance tickets.
"They handcuffed us," Piccochi complained.

The Post gets a culture clash angle and a hipster entitlement angle all in two short quotes! In all seriousness, hearing every "square" news outlet saying "hipster" as they report this story really hammers home the point of how annoying it probably is when we say "hipster," all the time. You have our apologies.

1. Andrea Peyser confronts the mom of a 16 year-old shooting suspect about why she is such a bad mom that her kid would shoot somebody. Answer: Because she is selfish and she lets her son hang out with his relatives thugs. Black people! Why can't they raise kids the right way? "There do exist real fathers. Take Federico Grullon. He won't allow his three kids to leave the house."
Black kids should be shackled at all times.

2. Did you know there is a soup kitchen now for orothodox Jews? And other Jews are facing foreclosure? But Jews are the ones with all the money!

So — shhh! — The United Jewish Appeal has started Connect to Care, which already has given more than 8,000 needy Jews financial services, job help and mental-health counseling to get through unfamiliar territory.
Just don't expect anyone to admit it.

3. "If Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive, I'm swearing off men." That one wasn't totally unexpected.

The only non internet person on Couric's list, in fact, is FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski. The other people who control the media, according to the CBS Evening News anchor, are all Web heads:

• Google's Larry Page and Sergey Brin.
  
• Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington.
  
• The founders of the women's blogging network BlogHer: Jory Des Jardins, Elisa Camahort Page and Lisa Stone. This is a big stretch but we're assuming Couric is trying to imagine the less sexist world she'd like to live in and lend some buzz to a feminist cause. Fair enough.
  
• Craig Newmark, Craigslist founder.
  
• Twitter co-founders Evan Williams and Biz Stone.
  
• Facebook CEO and co-founder Mark Zuckerberg.

Couric is obviously just trying to butter up people who might be able to help her ditch the old fuddy-duddies at CBS News and expand her promising sideline in lifecasting. Which is, frankly, brilliant. We know some other people who might be able to help you Katie, call us.

Oh, and the Jewish thing? Couric is no anti-Semite, but we couldn't help but notice that her list of people who supposedly control the media does contain a majority of people of Jewish descent: Brin, Page, Newmark, Zuckerberg, Genachowski and Camahort Page.

Of course, the pace of change in Silicon Valley has a way of leveling these old-world distinctions. Page's family was non-practicing; Zuckerberg has gone atheist and Camahort Page is "a total non-religious person."

[via Bay Newser via NBC Bay Area]

Baum sent an email to every single Jew on his contacts list asking them to write letters to Senator Joe Lieberman asking him to support health care reform. This is funny and stupid in many ways. Like: Lieberman represents American Jews, as a whole? (No, he represents Connecticut insurance companies. And right-wing Jews.)

From: Dan Baum
Subject: Jews

I'm the last guy in the world to try to organize people by religion, but we Jews may be the only people to whom Senator Joseph Lieberman might listen. He is threatening to filibuster the health-care bill to remove the public option. He has been an obvious problem for years, but this time he can do genuine damage, and it's possible a deluge of calls and emails from Jews nationwide will give him pause. Please take a minute and either call his office — (fair warning, the mailbox was full) or (860) 549-8463, or send him an email... This is the text of the message I used, but you could compose your own:

"As a fellow Jew, I am appalled by your threat to filibuster the health care bill now working its way through the Senate. I appeal to your conscience. Do not block access to affordable health care for millions of Americans. Please support the bill." This will take only a minute to do. Once you've sent a message to Sen. Lieberman, please forward this email to all the Jews you know. We could make something happen.

Various poor wording choices and mistakes in tone—the sorts of things that are huge deals to Old East Coast Jews Who Work In Media, i.e. everyone the list he sent this to—displeased the recipients of this honestly well-intentioned missive. Like you are not supposed to say "as a Jew" because that means you are an annoying Jew, and you are not supposed to assume that other Jews think the same way as you do, even though as a whole America's Jews are almost uniformly liberal on matters of domestic policy, and have been since forever. Still: unacceptable! Which is why Jeffrey Goldberg, in order to embarrass and shame Baum, published his email along with a mocking response from another Jew who is not named!

And the second email, with its terrible strained Borscht Belt humor, is so much worse. So, Jews on Dan Baum's email list: please out this farbissener!

What did you have for breakfast this morning?

(A) A bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.
(B) Eggs Benedict.
(C) A Christmas ham.
(D) A bagel, a blintz, lox, matzo brei, kreplach, shmear, whitefish, sable, a "nosh" of anything, or nothing, because you're getting bar/bat-mitzvah'd next weekend and your parents told you to watch your figure.

Question 2:

You think Larry David is

(A) Not funny.
(B) Who?
(C) Hysterical.
(D) Bad for the Jews.

Question 3:

Your parents are divorced, and they both want you to come home for the high holidays. You:

(A) Go home to wherever you still have a good weed hookup.
(B) Go wherever more singles will be.
(C) Split holidays; Ma gets Yom Kippur, Dad gets Rosh Hashana.
(D) Can we not talk about my mother for once, please?

Question 4:

You want to marry a Gentile man or Gentile woman. How's this gonna work?

(A) Our kids will be progressive, they'll get more presents, it'll be fine. Give your college roommate Aariz a ring, we'll ordain him as a Universal Life minister, turn this thing into a rockin' multicultural experience.
(B) Well, we've lied to Mom for this long. What's another 20 years?
(C) Honestly, who cares? We love each other and we haven't been subject to a New York Magazine profile yet, so this can't be that complicated.
(D) He/she'll convert! We've got a great Rabbi and he's so welcoming and this is gonna be easy; we'll just do it in the closest temple, and be done with it. My spouse has fully embraced my spirituality and culture believes what Jews believe so, you know, draw baby a Mikvah and let's get goin' here!
(E) You're converting in an Orthodox temple, with an Orthodox rabbi, under strictly Orthodox rules. Throw out those Manolos, by the way.

Question 5:

Your parents are:

(A) Awesome.
(B) Annoying.
(C) One's Jewish, one ain't.
(D) They're both Jewish, Mom converted in a conservative Judasim temple a long time ago, but now attends Orthodox services with Dad.
(E) They were both born, raised, and remain Orthodox. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of them converted, but if they did, it was definitely an Orthodox synagogue. Nothing less. If they ever found me with a Shalom Auslander book, they would kick the everloving shit out of me.

If you answered A, B, or C to any of the questions, give yourself -5, -3, and -1 points.

If you answered D to any of the questions, give yourself 0.01 points.

And if you answered E to any of the questions, give yourself 100 points.

0 to -25 Points: Goyim.

1 to 99 Points: Meh.

100+ Points: Mazel Tov! According to certain authorities, You're a Jew! This is the only circumstance under which the government-funded Jews' Free School in North London will admit your child. Congrats:

The case began when a 12-year-old boy, an observant Jew whose father is Jewish and whose mother is a Jewish convert, applied to the school, JFS. Founded in 1732 as the Jews' Free School, it is a centerpiece of North London's Jewish community. It has around 1,900 students, but it gets far more applicants than it accepts....Because M's mother converted in a progressive, not an Orthodox, synagogue, the school said, she was not a Jew - nor was her son. It turned down his application.

Mind you, this is the New York Times most emailed articled today for a reason. There are wide, wide gaps in some Jewish communities where, despite regularly attending services, embracing Jewish customs into one's family's lives, and practicing on a daily basis, you are still not considered Jewish. This isn't just in the Orthodox community. A good example came up in last night's comments about this very issue:

I'm a half-breed (Shiksa mother) and I vividly remember being told that I was not Jewish by a girl at summer camp. I cried for days and couldn't understand how I was Jewish enough for a Bat Mitzvah and Hebrew school but not Jewish enough for this little girl in my bunk.

In the great literature of our time, Harry Potter, people without two magical parents are considered by evil angry purebred magical people to be "Mudbloods." This is kind of like that. Am I suggesting the Orthodox community in question in the New York Times today are anything like J.K. Rowling's Death Eaters? Not at all.

But it's interesting to think that the Anti-Defamation League—a Jewish organization whose sole purpose is to "stop the defamation of the Jewish people, to secure justice and fair treatment to all citizens alike," but has been criticized for its often elitist, extremist Zionist positioning—has yet to speak out on this one! Shocking. So: how antisemitic are some of these people Jews?

Orthodox Jews, of course, sympathize with the school, saying that observance is no test of Jewishness, and that all that matters is whether one's mother is Jewish. So little does observance matter, in fact, that "having a ham sandwich on the afternoon of Yom Kippur doesn't make you less Jewish," Rabbi Yitzchak Schochet, chairman of the Rabbinical Council of the United Synagogue, said recently.

Damn. Looks like I'll have to re-arrange the next questionnaire.

Jew-on-Jew antisemitism is an actual problem. This thing's gonna strike a very loud chord with many, many people, in many, many places. The case in question has since been overturned on the basis that the school has taken it upon itself to administer an ethnic test and a verdict is expected in the coming months.

Jon Gosselin is an incredible, oblivious ass, and this Rabbi is a ridiculous fameball crook.

Forget the fact that Gosselin—not Jewish—sought out a Magical Jew to help him sort out his problems, and forget the fact that this Rabbi, who was once a punchline on 30 Rock, who has nine children, who is a fame-mongering celebrity in his own right, embraced this with open arms. Just go to the game tape and you'll see.

Gawker Black Ops video intern Sergio Hernandez, who went armed with $20 for admission and a FlipCam, described the scene as such:

Gosselin was 40 minutes late. A strange British woman who was inappropriately underdressed for a synagogue told us he was "stuck in traffic" and "delayed by the New York City marathon," and there was buzz that Gosselin had actually canceled his appearance. He did, eventually, show up to a stampede of paparazzi and entertainment cameras (by my count, at least Entertainment Tonight, Extra, TMZ, and FOX News were all there).

The event was, ostensibly, a discussion about the effect of fame and celebrity on religious and moral values. Jon opened by saying he wasn't a fameseeker and neither asked for nor invited his newfound celebrity (but nonetheless thanked the cameras in the room for showing up.)

Then Shmuley brought up Jon's divorce and basically tried to get him to blame his marital problems on fame and the pressure from TLC to draw in more ratings. Gosselin, for the most part, was pretty gracious about not villainizing Kate too much; he talked about going to therapy and learning about the mistakes he made during their marriage.

But Shmuley, who peppered the discussion with way too many smug, self-referential jokes, basically tried to excuse Jon's post-divorce, uh, behavior, with Kate's emasculation. Of course, you'd think if Shmuley and Gosselin hated all this attention so much, they might've, you know, not prostrated themselves in front of a few dozen cameras and charged $20 a person for it? But what would be the fun in losing out on that?

Especially interesting that Shmuley tried to paint TLC as the Bad People, because, you know, he's kinda been in bed with them before. And did they cancel Shalom In The Home? Well, it aired two seasons, and hasn't been on the air since 2007. So: you tell me. Again, a crook. Also: a misogynist, a snake-oil salesman, and a publicity whore. Come to think of it, that might be both of them. I'm not sure which behavior here begets the other, but whatever it is, wherever it comes from, this can't be good for The Kids, The Jews, and I don't know, Anybody Who's Ever Devoted Faith To Anything. This is really, really sad.

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

Bamberg County GOP Chairman Edwin Merwin and Orangeburg County GOP Chairman James Ulmer wrote the Orangeburg Times and Democrat to defend DeMint in a newspaper editorial Sunday that said he was not funneling enough funds to local projects.

"There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation's pennies and trying to preserve our country's wealth and our economy's viability to give all an opportunity to succeed."

The conservative Palmetto scoop, another local paper, could only muster a facepalm, writing "It's people like Ulmer and Merwin that make many folks fear for the future of the once Grand Ole Party."

The New York Yankees are spending nearly a quarter of a billion dollars on their pitching staff. Let's all say it together, populists: "It is so crazy that people get paid this much money just for playing a ball game. Let's give that money instead to the fabulously wealthy team owners, rather than the players. Only when the issue is swept under the rug like this will we nonsensical populists will be mollified."

And while CC Sabathia is making big money and being fat, is he supporting Jewish delis? Obviously not. Because plenty of Jewish delis have gone out of business lately, especially in Newark, which is not too far for CC Sabathia to travel for a sandwich. Whose fault is this really: The recession, or rich baseball players?

Or Jews?

Speaking of conspiracies: The US Virgin Islands are giving a rum company $1 billion in incentives over 30 years to come make their rum in the Virgin Islands. And all the businessmen are happy and the fat cats are happy and the many people who work in the rum manufacturing industry are happy, but you know who gets hurt? The alcoholics who work in the rum manufacturing industry in the US Virgin Islands. Because of the easy availability of rum, at work. Who is thinking of them?

Also the teetotalers. Their tax dollars are wasted.

And while Jewish deli founders mourn the collapse of their corned beef sales and lushes on the midnight shift at the rum plant take nips of their own destruction, Andy Pettite and CC Sabathia retire to their luxurious Manhattan condos, eating decidedly non-Jewish food and drinking non-Alcoholic beverages and counting their evil money. Money which, if they fucking win another title for once, will be well worth it.
[Pic: AP]

As for that first bit of news, we've uncovered an exclusive, an uncomfortable truth about Ahmadinejad yet to be revealed but here, for the first time, right now: he faked his way through his haftorah portion. Kidding! But no, really, he might be a Jew. Commence self-loathing, mother-hating, guilt-ridden jokes in three, two, and...

A close-up of the Ahmadinejad's ID reveals that the Iranian leader, who has described the Nazi Holocaust of European Jewry as a "myth," was previously known as Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. The Telegraph said the short note scrawled on the card suggests that his family changed its name to Ahmadinejad when they converted to embrace Islam after his birth. The Sabourjians, according to the report, traditionally hail from Aradan, Ahmadinejad's birthplace, and the name derives from "weaver of the Sabour", the name for the Jewish Tallit shawl in Persia.

Fuckin' Jews, indeed! This isn't the first time this accusation has come up, either. The name "Sabourjian" is on a list of reserved names for Iranian Jews by Iran's government. And yes, "experts" are saying that his attacks on Jews—which include wanting to blow Israel into the next dimension, as well as vehement Holocaust denial—could be over-compensating. Two more important questions then arise: what kind of car does he drive, and how big is his dick? THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE. So now that Ahmadinejad has his own birthers—ironically, The Jews—he's gotta come up with something to distract the public from figuring out why he's so goddamn good with money. Adonai-damnit, he's got nuclear capabilities. Go figure.

The New York Times reported today that senior staff members at the UN have, after vetting a report by the official (and official sounding) International Atomic Energy Agency, figured out that Iran is well on their way to making us all green...with radiation.

In recent interviews, a senior European official familiar with the contents of the full report described it to The New York Times. He confirmed that Mr. Albright's excerpts were authentic. The excerpts were drawn from a 67-page version of the report written earlier this year and since revised and lengthened, the official said; its main conclusions remain unchanged. "This is a running summary of where we are," the official said. "But there is some loose language," he added, and it was "not ready for publication as an official document." Most dramatically, the report says the agency "assesses that Iran has sufficient information to be able to design and produce a workable implosion nuclear device" based on highly enriched uranium.

Also interesting: Iran picked up this information via the Black market (where else?) and then proceeded to pick away at the specific pieces of information that were pertinent to their cause. But who planted it on the Black market? Who else? The Russians. In Soviet Russia, market black you:

...Many intelligence agencies assume that Iran obtained a bomb design from A. Q. Khan, the rogue Pakistani black marketer who sold it machines to enrich uranium. That information may have been supplemented by a Russian nuclear weapons scientist who visited Iran often, investigators say.

Do we have a ball game? We have a ball game. Also, is everyone in Russia a leaky weapons scientist? It's like everyone there down to the guy who keeps the pay phones working knows something about nuclear technology that can kill us all. It's apparently in their seventh grade curriculum, somewhere between The Outsiders and dividing fractions. The donkey show in Moscow—where donkey show you— is expensive and we're all gonna die, so the pay phone fixing nuclear scientist hooks up Iran and King Khan the Black Market Badass, and the self-loathing Jew pays to invest in wiping his guilt-shilling relatives out of existence. Also, gefilte fish. That, too. It always figured that the Jewish state's biggest menace would be a guilt-ridden one of their own (Bernie Madoff, here's looking at you). Really, though. Who needs a nuke when your country's revolting every six days? A guy with a small penis, that's who.

As members of the Jewish faith here in America and around the world gather to celebrate the High Holidays, I want to extend my warmest wishes for this New Year.

Listen up, Jews. We got me here. Now it's time to get our shit in gear. Julius and Ethel, you listening? This is *our* motherfuckin' year. Or at least that's what Rahm tells me.

L'Shanah Tovah Tikatevu – may you have a good year, and may you be inscribed for blessing in the Book of Life.

Those Goyim really did it this time, huh? Our book of life? The World Bank's Register. Yours? The Lost Symbol.

Rosh Hashanah marks the start of a new year – a time of humble prayer, joyful celebration, and hope for a new beginning. Ten days later, Yom Kippur stands as a day of reflection and repentance. And this sacred time provides not just an opportunity for individual renewal and reconciliation, but for families, communities and even nations to heal old divisions, seek new understandings, and come together to build a better world for our children and grandchildren.

Since you Jews don't believe in hell, you make great partners in crime. You repent for one day and go about breadwinning (or should I say: challah-winning? Challah back!) for the rest of the world at all other times. And you celebrate it today, before you repent. Pre-emptive! Also, I know you like to breed. Feeling the heat, Whitey?

At the dawn of this New Year, let us rededicate ourselves to that work. Let us reject the impulse to harden ourselves to others' suffering, and instead make a habit of empathy – of recognizing ourselves in each other and extending our compassion to those in need.

Jesus was a Jew, and they all know it. Suckers.

Let us resist prejudice, intolerance, and indifference in whatever forms they may take — let us stand up strongly to the scourge of anti-Semitism, which is still prevalent in far too many corners of our world.

If haters think Rahm Emmanuel is bad, Abe Foxman will cut Anti-Semites fucking balls off. You know what happened to Mel Gibson? Yeah. Foxy Abe fed him kreplach while our boys trepanned any creativity right out of his head. Now he's meshugganah. He dug up Marge Schott and skullfucked her. Yeah. Foxman's dangerous.

Throughout history, the Jewish people have been, in the words of the Prophet Isaiah, "a light unto the nations."

That light, of course, being the shiny sparkle of cold hard currency.

Through an abiding commitment to faith, family, and justice, Jews have overcome extraordinary adversity, holding fast to the hope of a better tomorrow.

We know you don't actually like Joe Liberman, but we'll get a Jew in front one of these days. Meanwhile, we're here, right?

Michelle and I wish all who celebrate Rosh Hashanah a healthy, peaceful and sweet New Year.

Like Jay-Z, Kanye, and Rihanna, Me, Michelle, and You Jews are gonna Run This Town tonight.

It gets worse. He's not even being discreet about it! Watch as he spreads his vile propaganda to the Muslims, his own people, too. The Jewish-Muslim New Year Ramadan Order is here, my friends. be scared. Be very scared.

[Add your own entries in the comments! I'm an ignorant agnostic.]


1. The Beastie Boys' Sabotage video


2/ John Goodman in The Big Lebowski


3. Exodus, Leon Uris


4. Uprising, the movie


5. Munich, the movie


6. Those Inglourious Basterds


7. Adam Sandler as Zohan


8. And then: "A terrorist could put a yarmulke on, say, 'Happy holidays,' and blow the place up." Not if these guys have anything to say about it. Anything involving somersaults, that is.

As a regular cartoonist for The Forward, Eli has drawn Abe Foxman as a paranoid buffoon, rabbis and Jewish communal leaders as moral prostitutes, and Evangelical Zionists as bloodthirsty psychopaths. But apparently the metaphor of chimpanzees, applied to the noble peoples of the Middle East, was going a step too far. The comic, a satire of Zionist education in many American Jewish day schools, camps and Israel trips, was deemed unsuitable for publication by The Forward, the most prominent independent Jewish newspaper in America, condemning it to run on Gawker, a web site of some prominence that was reported earlier this year to the ADL for anti-Semitism. (That's true.) If you have anything you'd like to see run in this space, please let me know.

Please click the image to enlarge.

When Jared Kushner isn't busy firing some of the city's best reporters, insulting the remains of his staff, or taking the "sloppy seconds" approach to venture capitalism, he might be too busy to seek help in one of the New York Observer's more neglected blind spots: Equine Relations.

Lo and behold, then, the Heroic Destiny Squad, who thinks they (or he) can be part of a symbiotic relationship with the Observer regarding the salvation of the horses who escort tourists through Central Park on buggy rides. And also, because Kushner's a Jew, he already works for this dude. Your front-running nominee for Totally Batshit Correspondence of the Year, we present: the New York Observer's Crazy Horse Guy.

From: Justin Massler
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:45:11 -0400
Subject: Important Message for All New York Observer Reporters

Good day reporters of The New York Observer, would anyone like to help save horses on this fine summer day?

I will explain the situation I am writing in regards to.

As some of you may know, many horses are currently imprisoned as slaves being forced to pull carriages in Central Park for the amusement of tourists.

My name is Justin Massler and recently I was appointed by Angels to be the King of the Jews in the tradition of previous Kings such as Moses, David, Solomon, and Jesus.

I have been ordered by the God of the Jews to free the horses who are enslaved as carriage pullers in Central Park for the purposes of restoring freedom to the lands, much like how Moses himself had to free the Jews from their enslavement in Egypt so many years ago.

I have decided to commandeer The New York Observer for this purpose which I can do since it's owned by Jared Kushner who is a Jew and therefore one of my subjects which makes his properties subject to emergency commandeering if it is deemed necessary for Divine Purposes.

Anyways, does anyone want to help with this cool elite mission of animal rights heroism? We can use The Observer to launch a propaganda campaign to ban horse carriages and influence public opinion against this unjust practice.

I am therefore recruiting reporters from this paper to take part in this noble cause.

The website of my hero team is http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/ so you can see that I'm legitimate and not just making this stuff up.

Hopefully someone will respond to this in a positive manner and I won't just be ignored by every single person like has happened to me before in the past which is a depressing thing to have happen, but I suppose such are the trials heroes such as myself must endure in our quest for justice at any cost.

Sincerely,

Justin Massler

President of Heroic Destiny Squad

http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/

P.S.

Also, does anyone know Jared Kushner's phone number or personal e-mail address? Or better yet, does anyone know where he hangs out?

I figure since he's the owner of The Observer I can commandeer it more quickly if I just get Kushner to agree to this plot himself.

I tried sending him a message before but I think he's trying to avoid me even though I'm his King which is like how sometimes kids try to hide from their parents. Is it true he lives at 21 Astor Place above the Starbucks? If so I can just try to find him at his house and talk some sense into him.

If anyone can give me any info on where this guy can be found it would be much appreciated.

Cheerio.

He is legitimate and not making this stuff up. Moses sent him! Or something.

He is also scary and possibly insane, and this is the kind of stuff we get routinely, too! Good to know all publications of all stripes can still find common ground in the batshit people who take time to write them this kind of stuff.

• Britney Spears is a woman who is dedicated to her man/agent. So dedicated that she's converting to Judaism to show Jason Trawick how much she loves him. She's been wearing a star of David around her neck and has enlisted a rabbi to tour with her to teach her the religion. As a Cajun/Louisianian, I'd like to offer a trade to the Jews. You guys take Britney off our hands, and we'll take Natalie Portman. Sound good? Sweet. Have fun with her. [UK SUN]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow, faux-lifestyle expert, physician, chef, dietician and Jim Jones in training, sent out a message to her GOOP death cult raving about some detox clease she did where she didn't eat anything for three weeks. In other news, Chris Martin probably isn't an ass man like Barack Obama. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jerry Seinfeld, apparently not content with the billion or so dollars he's banked from Seinfeld, is doing wacky commercials for some bank in Australia. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven says he hasn't eaten a piece of fish in 9 months since his horrible mercury poison thing. Now he's all into yoga and is all about achieving "balance." Whatever. Still a tool. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Katie Lee Joel isn't wasting any time since dumping sad old man Billy Joel for some swarthy lothario—Now she's opened up a burger spot in West Village near her townhouse called "Burger County." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Foxx just can't contain his unrelenting cheesedickery. The other night he was at a party at Tao in Vegas when he took over the mic from the DJ and starting taunting Rihanna, who was dining with Jay-Z, to the point where she got up and left. [Page Six]
  
  
• 19 year-old Harry Potter star Emma Watson bought a $3,000,000 London home for her and her boyfriend, some 26 year-old "financier" named Jay. [Mirror]
  
  
• Katy Perry is running around Turkey in a bikini with some mystery guy just putting his hands all over her and we have to admit, we're kind of jealous. She looks damn good! [Daily Mail]

Chrissie's version: Her pug got sick on the subway, so she took it out of its bag, then a cop ran up and grabbed her and harassed her and arrested her and said anti-woman things!

The cop's version, courtesy of the New York Post, obv: Chrissie Brodigan is a crazy anti-Semite who went wild on the cop in question—NYPD's first Hasidic cop!

But a witness, Viane Delgado, said Brodigan was the one out of line. Delgado said Witriol "repeatedly" asked the woman to place the barking pug in a carrier she had. But instead, she allegedly insulted him with anti-Semitic slurs and tried to walk away.

"You f—-ing Jew, you're not even human," Delgado quoted Brodigan as saying.

She repeatedly said, "Jewish people think they own everything," a source said.

Ha, really? A little extreme, no? Chrissie denies saying this. Do people really say that, in Williamsburg? Pug owners? It seems doubtful. We're just reporting, here.

No word on whether the pug is still puking, but we will bring you word as soon as this important saga develops further, puke-wise or otherwise.
[NYP. Pic via Gothamist]