Florida's newest millionaire is a 43-year-old 450-pound convicted child molester who finally caught a break this week when he won a multi-million dollar scratch-off jackpot.

You were never going to win the lottery. The odds were farcically low. But just in case you were keeping hope alive, we must now inform you: your odds have gotten much, much worse.

Last night, three lottery-ticket-purchasers won the lottery, sharing a total jackpot of $448 million. Two of the winners are from New Jersey, one is from Minnesota.

It turns out that Maryland's Mega Millions winner is not the wonderful Mirlande Wilson, who is likely still looking for her pants, nor is it a single person—it's a trio of school employees who went in on lottery tickets together. They're attempting to remain anonymous and will be known simply as the "Three Amigos,"…

The Mega Millions winner in Maryland has come forward to receive his or her share of the record-breaking $656 million jackpot, but the person's identity will not be released. The Maryland ticket was one of three winners in the country.

Sorry, New York: none of you won the $640 jackpot. However, 10 New York City tickets — and 7 more in the state — are second-place winners. That prize is $250,000, which is still a lot of money, even if it doesn't look very impressive next to the biggest lottery prize in history.

Winning Mega Millions tickets were purchased in Kansas, Illinois, and Maryland — if you live in one of those states, get excited. Then glance at the winning numbers and realize you were nowhere near that $540 million prize.

Did you win? Nah, none of us did.

The Mega Millions jackpot is half a billion dollars. A cool half-billion. You could use that money, eh? Buy your castle and everything. Have you bought your Mega Millions ticket yet? Well, don't.

Three asset managers from Bell Asset Managment in Greenwich, Connecticut have won the $254 million Powerball Jackpot.

You're probably tired of eating grilled raccoon and braised boot every night for dinner. Why not change your luck by winning the lottery and becoming a millionaire? Just follow this guy's instructions. Trust him, he has a mustache.