Grey's Anatomy fell 18%, Ugly Betty 15%, and ER a "ruh roh" 20%. The Office slipped only 6%. But still. Every single show was down! That is not good news. Maybe the writers strike really did ruin television for good. Or maybe it's that people are preoccupied with the catastrophic news stories that dominate the public conversation. I didn't even know that The Office was premiering last night until my TV told me so. Plus, with the circus of the election, I'm sure many more people were either tuned into Maddow or O'Reilly or whoever the hell else, or were avoiding the TV entirely.

Though, The Office was still kinda great. I'm going to gush a bit.

The rain! And the rest stop! And the smiles and hugs and kisses! Oh Jim and Pam, I'm so happy for you. Though, knowing how these sorts of things work, that cute guy from Mad Men who Pam made friends with at Pratt is going to be some sort of thorn in a side. I just hope they don't go too overboard and like have them break off the engagement or something. Also, I was glad that Phyllis and Stanley got a lot of airtime last night, and actually felt very sad for poor Andy Bernard. And Amy Ryan is adorable.

OK, gush over. Back to gloom. TV's dead.

SUNDAY

Mad Men: Hurts So Good
The Lowdown: A drama produced by Sopranos alum Matthew Wiener, Mad Men, now in its second season, is a detailed look at the Madison Avenue ad world of the early 1960's and the lives in its orbit.
What People Will Say: "Not as good as the first season." "Too slow." "Too sad." "I don't get it." "Who cares about their families, let's show more fucking." Similar stuff to the Sopranos detractors who foolishly didn't like the show as much when it went on a more philosophical bent toward the end of its run.
What You Should Say: "It's still great! I'm sick of people crying shark-jumping too soon." Yes it is unbearably sad some (most) of the time, but it's a show that is more profoundly About Something than most movies today, let alone television. The over-analysis on blogs and whatnot is getting to be a bit much (heh), but the show itself is a beguiling and slightly off-center work of art.
[Returning. 10pm, AMC, Airing now]

True Blood: Six Feet Over
The Lowdown: Doing some direct Dexter competition with his former Six Feet Under star Michael C. Hall, creator Alan Ball brings us a dark and bloody Southern Gothic vampire tale.
What People Will Say: "It's so dark and hip and cool and totally warped man."
What You Should Say: Well, we're not exactly sure yet. Its relentless advertising has gotten a bit tiresome, but the pedigree is certainly there. Though, even if you never read a review, you can definitely say "Anna Paquin is annoying" with assurance.
[New. 9pm, HBO, Sept. 7]

MONDAY

Gossip Girl: It's Hip! And Annoying!
The Lowdown: We don't talk about it much on the site, I mean not as much as we like breathe or blink or whatever, but it is on our minds from time to time. Basically it's a series about rich New York City kids—some of them girls, some of them gay—who do fake-bad things like do drugs and have sex.
What People Will Say: "It's crap!" "It's garbage!" "It's silly and/or offensive!" Or: "It's silly/offensive crap garbage that's a wicked guilty pleasure." The former assessments come from Philistines with no sense of joy. The latter, from people who think they get the joke but don't.
What You Should Say: "Fuck off, there's nothing guilty about it. I'm just keeping up with the times." Yes the show is not "well made" all the time, and yes it features the acting stylings of a glorified sex robot, but it's also trendy and au courant and it's what the kids (well, a few million of them) are watching. And there's no shame in that. Why curl up into a Havishamish ball and let the bright world forget you? Stay with it! "Plus, Blair's fashions are totes fun to gawp at."
[Returning. 8pm, The CW, Sept. 1]

The Hills: Zombies Are Scary
The Lowdown: Dim, cork-filled Angelenos wander around sun-dappled real estate, letting their blithe spirits mash up against each other in this MTV reality Gymnopédie.
What People Will Say: "Vapid, gutless trash. Won't someone please think of the children???" Or, again, "GUILTEE PLEAZURR!!1!"
What You Should Say: Similar to the Gossip Girl angle, except you could add a little dash of social studies revolutionary spice to it. "I have to know my enemy in order to destroy it." That kind of thing. You should be careful to note Lo's bitchiness and either think it's kicky good fun or despise it. Also, any time you are asked who your favorite character is, there are only two acceptable answers: Whitney (bovine, out to lunch, sad, enigmatic) or Doug (his grandfather invented frozen burritos or something.)
[Returning, unfortunately. 10pm, MTV, airing now]

TUESDAY

90210: Out With the Old, In With the Ew
The Lowdown: Another CW teen bitch fest, this one is a "reimagining" of the seminal 90's series about the rich and troubled kids of West Beverly (Hills) High.
What People Will Say: "My cherished memories are tarnished!" Or, "How could this be done to us, wasn't the first one bad enough??" Other Nancy Naysayer stuff like that.
What You Should Say: "It could be interesting to see if this is what bursts the teen bubble." It could go either way. 90210 might hook its star to Gossip Girl's (admittedly wobbly-wheeled) wagon and find some buzzy success, or it could be a terrific flop. Also say things like "Shenae Grimes was only so-so on Degrassi," if you want to horrify and yet strangely intrigue potential mates. Also throw in a "I can't believe Jessica Walter agreed to be on it, though! How's that Arrested Development movie coming along anyway?"
[New. 9pm, The CW, Sept. 2]

Fringe: What?
The Lowdown: It's the X-Files as done by Alias and Lost wunderkind J.J. Abrams.
What People Will Say: "Look, Joshua Jackson isn't dead."
What You Should Say: "My face hurts."
[New. 9pm, Fox, Sept. 9]

WEDNESDAY

Top Design: Now Oldham Free!
The Lowdown: This is the second season of the Jonathan Adler-related interior design competition show. The first season was bizarre and off-tone, but now those, um, magical Magical Elves are taking the reins so there may be hope.
What People Will Say: "There is too much of this reality stuff, I am so tired of this." "'See you later, decorator' is a terrible catchphrase."
What You Should Say: "I agree, care for a refresher on that Tom Collins?"
[Returning, sort of. 10pm, Bravo, Sept. 3]

America's Next Top Model: Why We Can't Have Nice TV
The Lowdown: This is the worst television show ever made. Tyra Banks is a monster.
What People Will Say: "It's so bitchy and trashy and fun! Tyra's fierce in a hilarious way."
What You Should Say: "This is the worst television show ever made. Tyra Banks is a monster. My face hurts. Oh, but, how's that tranny doing?"
[Returning, endlessly. 8pm, The CW, Sept. 3]

THURSDAY

Kath & Kim: The Dingo Ate My Good Show
The Lowdown: An import of a classic Australian sitcom, Kath & Kim stars two likable actresses (Molly Shannon and Selma Blair) behaving badly and mugging for the camera. Part of NBC's continued efforts to reinstate a Thursday night "Must See TV" comedy block.
What People Will Say: "Oh, rubbish. This is nowhere near as good my precious, precious foreign version." Or, "I don't get it. Where are the men?"
What You Should Say: "I will watch for Molly Shannon, because she is wonderful and deserves a huge career and lots of awards. Plus it will be interesting to see how NBC fares, given all the trouble surrounding this show." Or, "Hush up about your damn foreign shows, this is AMERICA. Don't tread on it or leave it, buster."
[New. 9:30pm, NBC, Oct. 9th]

30 Rock & The Office: Yes, Please
The Lowdown: Two exquisitely funny shows, both ended with bang-up finales. Michael is a daddy, sort of! Dwight and Angela! Jim and Pam! Liz Lemon wants a baby!
What People Will Say: Inevitably, I'm sure: "They've jumped the shark, no one cares about ____'s plotline." (Specifically for The Office.) Everything was so much better before."
What You Should Say: "Cram it with walnuts, ugly. The Office was good as it's ever been last season, and 30 Rock is so stupendously brilliant it makes, well, my face hurt. Tracy Morgan for president."
[Returning. 8:30 & 9pm, NBC, '30' Oct. 30th (ugh!) 'Office' Sept. 25]

FRIDAY & SATURDAY
Get the hell out of the house.

Despite his frequent porn viewing, none of his colleagues noticed his activities, which he apparently conducted throughout the workday.

"Each desk is set apart from each other," Waki said, adding that the man logged 170,000 hits on porn sites in July alone.

[AP]

Each desk is set apart from each other...THANK GOD.

A happy couple on The Office is an internationally groundbreaking development. The British show ended the moment that their Jim and Pam got together, and for good reason: a major point of their romance was that it would allow both of them to leave Slough for greener pastures. While Jim's admission that he bought an engagement ring for Beasley the week after they started dating creeped me out, what the show lost in romantic tension, it gained back in overt revulsion of their coworkers towards the new union. The show amazingly still works without the major storyline of the first three seasons.

To succeed, the new show is going to need a strong dose of star power. With rising profiles outside the show, John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer could even expand the show's audience for a spin-off. Jim and Pam away from The Office would also mean that they can introduce the next important storyline for the couple without it appearing forced. I speak of a second love interest for Jim Halpert. After all, Pam already made a big leap. Wouldn't it be fascinating for Jim to, eventually, be forced to consider if he still wants what he's been pining for all along?

While we'd love to see Rashida Jones rescued from the pit of depravity that is her Fox sitcom Unhitched, this may be an opportunity to make a new star/evil villain out of a talented comic actress that can play foil to Fischer's Pam. 24's Mary-Lynn Rajskub? A slumming Claire Danes? In any case, this idea beats the vicious rumor that Amanda Peet may be the star of the new show. List your idea for the seminal spin-off below, and the best one will receive a laudatory e-mail commending you for being such a genius.

The Blog of the Show's Producers [NBC.com]
Schrute-Space [NBC.com]

Holding up a copy of The Sun from March 5, [Gervais] says: "I don't know what the readership is, but I imagine most people in Lowell read it." He got that right.

Wisecracking with co-director Matt Robinson in a nondescript office, Gervais seems to relish seeing news of his first movie in print. We hope to keep him tickled for the next three months.

In another video, he attacks assistant Jake with a Nerf gun. These guys must be dying to start shooting. We know we are.

Either the the Sun is threatening a Page Six-style vendetta against Gervais, complete with journalistic sniping, or the paper is just continuing to turn out the same type of writing the movie star had so much fun lampooning in the first place.

Original video that sparked the column:

Book Mark [Page Six]

Jim & Pam: The Untold Story [YouTube]

April Fool's Day PSAs [NBC.com]