Most Americans Have Only Reached the eBay Stage of Online Existence
While elitist urban bloggers fret over what the “online gig economy” will do our nation’s future, most American’s don’t even know what the fuck “Uber” means.
Guns Won't Protect You, Old People, You're Too Old And Weak
We live in scary times: sharia law, foreigners, and rape gangs haunt the streets of this once great nation. Some old people believe that they must arm themselves in order to find peace and safety.
Cable News Is Almost Exclusively Watched by Old People
Just like dentures, Metamucil and fringed lampshades, cable news has a devout following in just one sector of society: the old one.
Richard Cohen Is Great Friends With the Politicians He Writes About
Dotty Washington Post columnist and cane-waving oldie Richard Cohen still has his memory, thank god. And that memory is full of him hanging out with politicians. Has he told you about it?
Old People Gonna Be Dying More (From Heat)
Lo! What fresh horrors shall the demon gods of global warming be visiting upon humanity in the near future, according to relentlessly negative scientists? Well, killing grandma, for one.
You Won't Believe What Wall Street Journal Readers Think About "Dunks"
Recently, the readers of the esteemed Wall Street Journal were given an opportunity to share their opinion on “dunking,” the high-flying activity that has become all the rage of the basketball world.
Whatever You Do, Don't Lose Your Job When You're Old
If you read any of our "Unemployment Stories" series a few years ago, you heard dozens of tales of older Americans who lost their jobs and were unable to get back on their feet. New survey data shows just how bad unemployment in later life can be.
People Can Live Long or People Can Have Pensions, But Not Both
As you may have heard, Americans are living longer these days, and that is a huge pain in the ass for pension plans, which would greatly prefer if you died young, for financial reasons. The scope of this "staying alive" problem is now coming into clear view.
It Would Be a Great Help If You Could All Die Younger
The latest estimates of American life expectancy are out, and we're doing great! Living longer than ever. But—ooo—I hate to ask you this, but maybe, could you not do that, and instead die younger? We have these pension issues, see...
Peggy Noonan's Ebola Fever Dream
Breathy Reaganite Peggy Noonan is more than a doddering captive of her own apartment, peeking around corners for imaginary spirits that haunt her. She is also an expert on infectious disease screening processes. And a land, that we call, America.
Can Radio Shack Save Itself?
Radio Shack, also known as "The Shack" or "The King of Replacement Parts for Electronic Items that No Longer Exist," is teetering on the verge of bankruptcy. Can the good old "We Sell Modern Products Now—We Swear!" find itself a reason to exist?
Sally Quinn Knew a Famous Person. Sally Quinn, Sally Quinn, Sally Quinn
Sally Quinn is a rich creep who lives in a gold-walled mansion, throws big parties, and (still!) gets to write staggeringly inane things for the Washington Post, because she married its editor. Would you like to hear Sally Quinn's story about Lauren Bacall maybe fucking her husband? Too bad, here it is.
"Student debt is growing faster for seniors than for any other age group," and the government is garnishing more Social Security checks as a result. Enjoy your retirement.
Today in "New and Awful Things About Being Poor"
In addition to all of the fun "food stamps" and free nights in jail, here is another thing to look forward to as a reward for being poor: having your limbs amputated.
Corona Completely Gives Up on Being Cool
Kids these days and their sophisticated, sellout millennial tastes—who knows what the hell they like? Not good old-fashioned beer brands such as Corona Light™, that is for sure. Corona Light™ has had it with trying to impress these kids!
Everyone Can Go Ahead and Call a Blog Post "A Blog" Now
This week's New Yorker contains an essay, currently available in the print edition only, by Roger Angell, about what his life is like at the age of 93. It is full of well-wrought observations about loss and mortality and sex and the abundance of existence but it also keeps an eye on the contemporary, as in this…
Richard Cohen Has Something to Tell Justin Bieber, M'Boy
Richard Cohen is a doddering old man who sits in the Washington Post newsroom atop an overturned paint can, shouting about how the women and the blacks have gotten out of hand. Not to mention that young fella, the Justin, the Bieber. Listen here, son.
Breakthrough Poll: Nobody Has Respect Now. Not Like In My Day.
Take a moment to feel a tidal wave of gratitude wash over you as you reflect upon the fact that modern polling technology and statistical analysis techniques now allow us to pinpoint precisely how much People Don't Respect People Now Like They Did When I Was a Kid.
New York Times columnist Roger Cohen today condemns "Twitter-Bashing Bores," those fellow Baby Boomers who "fail to see that their irritation about Twitter, Snapchat and the rest is in essence irritation at the new." Perhaps his colleagues will read it.
