In a last-ditch effort to find someone — anyone — to spend Christmas with him, 85-year-old James Gray turned to the want ads.

Hey, entitled "millennials," with your "organic" this and "artisanal" that and "farm to table" marijuana: you're not the bosses any more. Old folks have taken over American restaurants. Thank the lord.

Lee Siegel, noted cultural critic and sock puppet, is in his mid-50s. What luck! By fate of birth, when he was younger, pop culture's sexy side was "perfectly calibrated" and "morally potent." Sadly, as Lee Siegel has aged, the songs on the radio have become "coarse" and "vulgar."

The wave of hipness that has lately washed over Washington, DC has bathed the city's new residents in a glorious young, hip vibe. But it has also washed away the once sedate lives of the city's elderly, who now cower in their apartments, fearing that the next tidal wave of coolness may drown them for good.

John F. Kennedy. A man. A president. An American. He died a long time ago. Now, it is 50 years later. Do we still live in a magical time? Only Peggy Noonan has the words to capture this age of miracles.

Now if only everyone had a grandma like this.

Why are members of Generation Y unhappy? Because they're delusional yuppies who think they're special? Or because they've been born into a economic hellscape created by their parents?

Baby Boomers, "The Generation Where Each Individual Takes Personal Credit for Bob Dylan," are now entering retirement age. They have a lot of time on their hands, and all of America's disposable income. Now, the slavish catering to their every whim really begins.

Cotton-topped moron Richard Cohen is, of course, an awful newspaper columnist. We're used to his steady stream of ill-concealed bigotry, horny romance diatribes, and routine contempt for the entire idea of "journalism." But now, Richard Cohen is forging bold new frontiers of fucked up sexual obsession.

Remember when Juan Williams was a respected NPR journalist? It seems so long ago. He said something dumb, got fired, got bitter, got picked up by Fox News, and now makes a living as a sort of reformed liberal talking clown, paid to confirm the right wing's prejudices. Today: Juan Williams doesn't like that rapping…

Rob Zombie may be headlining the Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival, but that doesn't mean the heavy metal icon doesn't enjoy some peace and quiet every now and then.

Henry Allen, 72, has something to say to the world: What is happening? Where am I? What's going on?

"Every time she comes in, we think, 'Man, we should video tape this' and we finally did," Coalition Drum Shop manager Dustin Hackworth told News 8 last Friday, referring to the nameless senior citizen who regularly rocks out at the La Crosse, Wisconsin establishment, before disappearing into the night.

It was just another day at the Coalition Drum Shop in La Crosse, Wisconsin, when in came a mysterious grandma who proceeded to blow everyone away with her unexpected skin-slapping prowess.

A coveted job writing for the New York Times op-ed page is considered one of the most exclusive gigs in journalism. And with good reason: the unparalleled intellect and experience of their columnists are simply without equal. Where else will you find some middle-aged dad with the wit and bravery necessary to proclaim:…

Today in "The New Yorker Will Publish Anything John McPhee Writes, No Matter How Tedious," please allow us to present, per The New Yorker's own press release: "John McPhee writes about 'The Orange Trapper,' a device he uses to compulsively retrieve stray golf balls." Interesting.

Newt Gingrich is puzzled by a new device he owns — the video-playing cellular telephone.

An elderly couple in Stockholm, Sweden, faces charges of harassment after they allegedly blasted Iron Maiden tracks at full volume in an effort to exact revenge on a noisy neighbor.