I hate babies—no no, not your little heavenly angel! But really, I hate them so much that I can't stand to walk down the diaper aisle in supermarkets. But now, we're all in that diaper aisle, as we happen to be in the middle of a pissing contest between Kimberly-Clark's Huggies and Procter & Gamble's Pampers. K-C is running a T.V. spot that claims that Pampers apparently fit brick-shaped babies better than human babies—and the matter has been dragged into court. Let's take this to the playground!

Here's the spot. It's the first diaper commercial I can remember that doesn't involve the pouring of beakers full of yucky blue liquid to show absorption (ew). And don't worry: unlike previously, there are no visible shit stains.

Last Thursday, a federal judge denied a motion by Proctor & Gamble to stop the Huggies ads from airing. P&G calls Huggies completely full of crap, saying in a statement "We don't think K-C's advertising is fair or accurate or serves consumers well." P&G is also seeking triple its damages for lost business and harm to reputation. Big babies!

Huggies countered by telling Pampers you'll always be 'No. 2' in the two+ billion dollar U.S. diaper market. "....[T]here is a clear and real difference between the two products in question," according to Deb Bauer, who is the marketing director for Huggies. "The ad itself was clever and humorous and effective at getting that point across."

P&G? You're in some deep doo-doo. I think you need to take this brick thing and literally throw it right back at K-C. Maybe shoot some commercials where you throw bricks through Huggies showing how badly made they are, or something. Get your agency on it—at the very least, stop whining about it to your lawyers.

The facelift king of America [Guardian]

Schenectady Police have arrested a Saratoga woman in a prostitution bust and they say that woman, Linda Cook, performed sex acts on two men in front of her children and snorted cocaine off of her infant's stomach while breastfeeding him.

Saratoga Prostitute Snorted Cocaine Off 2-Month-Old Son, Police Say [CBS6]

From Pollack's latest post on Epicurious:

went to the grocery store with my family today and wandered around in the haze of my most recent public identity crisis, dutifully loading the cart with apples, bananas, and whatever else Regina told me to get. My exchanges with Elijah were minimal. I swore that I wouldn't mine this trip for blog material. Enough already.

And then we reached the checkout line. Or at least my body did. My mind was somewhere far away, in a place full of waterfalls and self-pity. I heard Regina's voice echo in my skull.

"Neal," she said.

"Huh?"

"Look what your son is doing."

I turned around. Elijah was sitting in the shopping cart, smelling a pack of bacon, and going "mmmmmmmmm."

"Elijah," I said. "Why are you smelling the bacon?"

"Because it smells so good," he said.

He turned the package over.

"And the back of it smells even better," he said.

"Is he not supposed to be doing that?" I asked Regina.

"Well," she said, "it's a little weird, but I don't see how it's harmful."

So we let him smell the bacon until we had to put it on the conveyor belt. Later, at home, there was ham for dinner, at least for the boy. Regina and I knew that our dinner would be too spicy for him.

In 2002, a pair of Canadian anesthesiologists published a report that questioned whether administering an epidural through such a tattoo could be risky. The doctors speculated that complications like inflammation or nerve damage may arise if the needle pulled a bit of dyed skin along with it, and then deposited it into the nerve-rich region outside the spinal column.

The small study of three women — which concluded that there wasn't enough evidence to determine if the practice is safe or not — set off a mini-wave of panic among expectant moms. After the report was picked up by Canadian television, women began sharing their concerns on pregnancy Web sites and chat rooms. In July, a story on the topic appeared in Pregnancy magazine, further fueling anxiety and sending many women to their practitioners for advice.

Why Some Expectant Moms Are Worried About Tattoos [WSJ]

New Yorkers looking to keep any taint of swarthy ethnicity out of the family gene pool are being forced to resort to the seed of "locksmiths, bartenders and struggling writers from less exotic locales, such as Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, Rego Park, Queens, and Hackensack, N.J." Can you imagine? Tradesman splooge! When the Dillingers and Gingerlys of twenty years from now all wind up working for janitorial services we're going to look back at this moment and ask ourselves why we didn't do more. We're going to make an almost unthinkable suggestion for these spunk-deprived parents: Settle on Jew babies. Sure, you'll get the giant noses and the insecurities, but at least they'll go to college.

A 'BABY BJORN' SPERM CRISIS [NYP]

From: joe sexton To: [Metro] Subject: a blessed two tons of trouble Date: Mon, 10 Sep 2007 15:41:32 -0400 folks,

jodi gave birth this afternoon to twins, a girl and a boy. they were born three minutes apart at st. luke's/roosevelt. they were early, but robust, and, like their parents, full of life and fun. the boy weighed in at 4 pounds, 8 ounces; the girl at 4 pounds, 1 ounce. they both scored high on initial tests, boding well for the SATs and whatnot. the girl, no surprise, trailed the boy. but as we know, she will no doubt catch up over time and eventually shame and humiliate her brother with her intelligence and goodness.

gary, who relied on his recently published guide to comedy to get through a hectic morning, will keep us posted on all things.

don't think they have settled on names. but i believe jodi has backed off her naked effort at career advancement and decided not to go with bill and jill.

a true delight, all in all.

joe

For every hour a day that babies 8 to 16 months old were shown such popular series as "Brainy Baby" or "Baby Einstein," they knew six to eight fewer words than other children, the study found.

Parents aiming to put their babies on the fast track, even if they are still working on walking, each year buy hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of the videos.

Unfortunately it's all money down the tubes, according to Dr. Dimitri Christakis, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington in Seattle.

Christakis and his colleagues surveyed 1,000 parents in Washington and Minnesota and determined their babies' vocabularies using a set of 90 common baby words, including mommy, nose and choo-choo.

'Baby Einstein': a bright idea? [LAT]

"There's kind of a mutually agreed unspoken agreement among mothers that all the normal rules about racism are off when you're talking about nannies," said one book editor in her early 30's who asked not to be identified because her Filipina nanny is illegal. "People talk about ethnicity in a way they never would at any other time. Even people who are very aware of not making racial stereotypes will put that on hold when talking to other mothers."

"Part of it is just a shorthand way of saying what you're looking for, and what qualities you'd like to instill in your children," the book editor continued. "Before I knew that Tibetan nannies were a status thing, a friend's friend was telling me that they were the very best. You hear that Filipina nannies are the best because they have a history of being caretakers in the Philippines. You hear that Caribbean nannies are a bit tough, so they're good if you have an unruly child with discipline issues."

Anyway, the article fails to speculate what the future holds, but we spoke with a consultant who works in the Nanny Futures Industry, and he's still bullish on Tibet. "I'd say that's the solid pick for the next two, three years." And after that? "Venezuela, for sure. There's a lot of chatter about Caracas nannies: they're excellent cooks, they do a great job of imparting the Spanish language on the kids, and their country is awash in oil reserves, so you don't have to give them gas money." Venezuelan nannies: big in '09. You heard it here first.

Wanted: Tibetan Nannies [NYO]
[Image via]

Choose The Ultimate Pretentious Baby Name

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Your runners-up: Luxman, Dodger, Amaranth, Arcadia, Clooney, Trench, Hegemony, Crimson, Lexston, Gingerly, Setanta, Søren, Pembroke, Lumiere, Dulcimer, Fayemus, Elgin.

We're partial to Fayemus ourselves, but competition was tough. If you've got anything better, give it a shot.

Earlier: Americans Now Too Stupid To Name Own Children

Last fall, John Bentham, 36, a Las Vegas theater producer, and his wife, Shannon, 29, who runs a nonprofit foundation, says they felt "enormous pressure" to find a strong-sounding boy name. "I wanted a name that would look good on a marquee or a political banner," Mrs. Bentham says. Though they had agreed on the letter "j," none of the names they came up with — Jude, Julian, Jake, Jason, or John Jr. — seemed original enough. They hired Ms. Walker and Mr. Reyes, who produced an 11-page list of possibilities, including Jackson. In March, the Benthams welcomed little Jackson Dean into the world.

The Baby-Name Business [WSJ]