Some food—cake, pie, pizza, nachos—tastes great. Some food—wheatgrass, chia seeds, kale—is healthy. But what one food tastes the best while still being healthy?

When you think of "things that self-aggrandizing assholes like," you may think of flashy jewelry, or exotic sports cars, or misquoting The Art of War. True enough. But there is no single signifier more characteristic of the upwardly mobile, ostentatious yet fundamentally insecure, braggart asshole male than an…

Ta-Nehisi Coates has a blog post up about Lupe Fiasco's anti-Obama rant with the headline, "My President is Whack." Though we hold Ta-Nehisi Coates in high esteem, we must interject here: no, My President Is Wack.

Oranges: a popular fruit. Very popular. Go in any place that sells fruit, fruit store, or whatever, and I bet one thing you will see there displayed prominently is—that's right—oranges. The point is that oranges are very popular in America. So then, smartass: why is there no orange pie?

Jim Romenesko is retiring from his gig as America's most influential media blogger, but have no fear: he's still running Starbucks Gossip, the obsessive Starbucks-covering site which he also inexplicably runs! And he's taking on the question foremost in the mind of every normal, masculine, red-blooded, suburban,…

"Are tiny plastic toiletries on their way out?" asks AngelPulitzer-winning newspaper USA Today. I certainly hope that the answer is "no." Let's see... the answer is "yes." Drat.

USA Today is what used to be called a "newspaper" back in the days before the internet, but after the majority of adult Americans became functionally illiterate. In this confusing "new media" age, USA Today has pursued a strategy of becoming the news outlet of choice for angel-believers. Hey, it's a demographic!

At a street fair in DC last week, a police officer shot and killed some guy's dog. Some called it "cowboy gunslinging"; others said it was necessary. What we know for sure: it's time to argue about dogs in public.

For discerning individuals of extraordinary taste, an ordinary showerhead simply won't suffice. The great American values of wealth, luxury, and excess demand special, superexpensive showerheads that turn your shower into a veritable Niagara Falls. Why is Barack Obama against that?

Australian fitness class participants: are they listening to pop music authentic enough to get them pumped? Alas, the answer may be "no." Because in Australia—whether it's cardio-kickboxing, spinning, or some other bullshit—it's set to Britney cover tunes.

Isn't it time for you to devote some thought to America's single least important issue? Yes, the "Should college bathrooms be co-ed?" debate is still boiling, and we will now force you to consider this thoroughly ridiculous question. Consider it!

Last week, Forbes columnist and NYU professor Tunku Varadarajan won our Outrage-off for his column about crazy Muslim murderers lurking amongst us. NYU radicals have struck back with a revolutionary pie-ing of Varadarajan's Islamaphobic allies!

Sweeps week is coming up, so hey, a TV station in DC just had an idea: Breassstsss! Nekkid breasts on your television screen being beamed straight into your home, uncovered and uncensored! Because of news.

One of the biggest (if not the biggest) graf pieces in America—a 57-foot high, one-third mile long "MTA" on a concrete ditch in LA—is being painted over. Finally, a clean concrete ditch. [via Animal NY. Pic: Flickr]

A shaken nation will be holding its head just a bit higher tonight, knowing that the FCC has said it wants to "further investigate" the 2004 Janet Jackson Super Bowl boob-flash incident that still scars America to this day.

Lilly the five-legged puppy was born to be a star. But some misguided "dog lover" types are determined to see to it that she never achieves her Freak Show career dream! You monsters.

Turns out that a couple of state workers in Albany hid in some back room smoking weed and selling weed and watching DVDs and passing out on the couch instead of working. And?