1.) 105-year-old celebrates birthday at male revue

Love her. I also love her door-knocker earrings, purple nails, and Baby Phat track suit.

2.) Glassy-eyed Fanilow
Paula Abdul attended a Barry Manilow concert, where Entertainment Tonight caught up with her backstage.

3.) Hailey Glassman
Jon Gosselin's girlfriend was on The Insider this week to discuss how hard it is being famous. In this clip, she pays Kate Gosselin a compliment, then insults her, then goes into detail about when Jon first stuck his ween in her.

4.) Boys don't cry.
Mary Hart tried her damnedest—during her exclusive interview with Chaz Bono regarding his sex reassignment process—to get Chaz to break down and cry over how horrible all of this must've been for him. Chaz wouldn't bite. It's kinda great watching him kind of get off on being withholding.

5.) Big-ass joint
In the History Channel's docu-drama Manson, the reenactment of Dennis Wilson getting high with the Family seemed cartoonish.

6.) Man down, code 10!
Keyshia Cole's mom Frankie hosted BET's Red Carpet pre-show for the Hip Hop Awards.

7.) Babs!
She was in rare form this week.

Really rare.

8.) Holly Montag
Who would've thought that Heidi's sister would turn out to spike the punch of The Hills with her dance "fights."

9.) "Nuptial Decadence"
Why does that term sound so delicious?

10.) Ew.
I don't know which is more disturbing: the fact that the woman in this commercial is afraid of her husband, or the fact that frozen mussels actually exist.

1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

Yes, like her husband — and other political luminaries — the First Lady will be immortalized as an action figure, thanks to Jailbreak Toys. And, since she's so fashion forward, Michelle will be available in three different outfits: all inspired by some of her signatures looks, like the black and white ensemble worn on The View. So she's really more of a Barbie than anything else.

But back to our original question, or a variation. All of last year's big political players — Hillary, John, Sarah — have been shrunk down to action figure form. Even crazy GOP congresswoman Michele Bachmann has a plastic replication (although, the poor thing, only 50 have sold).

And then there are comic books: Barack Obama and John McCain were both featured in Spider Man adventures, and the Female Force series features Hillary, Sarah, Michelle and even Caroline Kennedy.

Are these baubles and funny pages proof of how consumerist cultures fabricate unnecessary "needs"? Or are they a more playful form of political idolization, an idolization that's born in the cult of personality? These people are, to millions, literal heroes, so why not put them in superhero form so that the public can have and hold those who inspire them more than some silly Transformer? And then, much like politics itself, toss them aside or sell them to the highest-bidder?

Perhaps this phenomenon's a little bit of both, but one thing's for certain: these products prove that great American camp continues to evolve. Just the way God intended...

1.) Jon Gosselin
I know it's nearly impossible that anyone in America managed to miss him since he was all over TV talking about how he doesn't want to be on TV anymore. On Monday on The Insider, Jon faced off with Nancy Grace. Later in the week, The Insider tried to propel that insanity by airing "footage you didn't see" from the event. Here, Jon admits that his earrings are CZs.


Jon also ran back and forth between The Insider and Entertainment Tonight, showing "bank statements" proving that he did not steal money from Kate.










However, even the correspondent on The Insider recognized that this one transaction receipt proves absolutely nothing.




2.) "I'm showing America how it works."
God, he's like the fountain of spoof.


3.) In other grossness: Tamerlane Phillips.
Remember two weeks ago when people didn't care about the Gosselins for four days because Mackenzie Phillips' rape and incest bombshell stole the show? Tamerlane Phillips misses those days.


4.) The best intervention ever, courtesy of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.





5.) Kaity Tong Drunk?
Speaking of interventions…sheesh.


This man-on-the-street from the story she was introducing is awesome.


6.) Shut up, Joy!


7.) People are still getting "The Rachel"?


8.) Does Kim know that wig hair doesn't grow back?


9.) Khloe Kardashian's 9 Carats


10.) WWWWD?
She would think WWJJD.

During an appearance on the estrogen-soaked chatfest, Shaffer is asked about the current David Letterman scandal that absolutely no one is talking about. He responds by saying his father is a lawyer, just like Star Jones. The only problem is, he reaches out and touches the knee of guest host and Ugly Betty co-star Ana Ortiz. Oopsie!

Now, we're not going to even mention the fact that Star Jones hasn't been on the show for more than three years; we'll forgive him for being out of touch and not doing his research before going to bow before the altar of Barbara Walters. But how can you mistake Ortiz, who is neither the same shape nor color as Jones, for the real thing! Maybe he just needs a new prescription for his wacky glasses. At least he reached right over Sherri Shepard. He may be a little bit touched, but at least he doesn't think all black people look alike.

1.) Flash Dance
This week on So You Think You Can Dance?, some woman flashed her crotch, and Fox gave her a flesh-colored blur, leading these ABC News correspondents to wonder whether or not she was going commando.

2.) Barbara disses Mariah's boring story on The View.



The interview was preempted for the breaking news that Chicago did not get picked to host the Olympics. When The View returned, Mimi's dog appeared.

3.) This.

4.) Jesus wanted John Phillips to have sex with his daughter.
Because he knew it would help Chynna sell her new album.

5.) Tyra has a knack for discovering people who are really good at being assholes.

6.) Tyra also finally discovered Objectum Sexuals.

7.) Check out this hot ticket on Judge Judy.

8.) So not glitz.

9.) Kim doesn't like anything "cheesy" or "cheap."
So don't let the wig fool you.

10.) NeNe bitches out Lara Spencer.

Taylor doesn't seem to hold a big grudge, nor does she seem particularly wounded, but she did say that Kanye has not reached out to her personally...and that he's welcome to do so.

Update: Kanye just called her.

1.)The Jerry Lewis Telethon
He ages like cheese, becoming saltier, stankier, more intense, and thus more enjoyable.

Also more offensive.

2.) AARP Lapdance

Charo performed Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" in the middle of the night during the telethon. I guess the intent was to wake people up. She went out into the crowd to get the audience dancing. When they didn't want to, she would hit them with her vagina.

3.) Tyra's back!

4.) And she wants to teach you stuff.
About menstruation.

How to frown with your eyes.

And how to not like your makeup.

5.) Janice still hates her.
After Tyra's Nightline interview during which she refused to discuss Janice Dickinson, Janice went running to The Insider to respond.

6.) The View returned.
Which is good news for those suffering in the recession.

7.) Kim needs a job.

Her daughter concurs.

8.) Blind-folded musical chairs.

9.) "She ain't messin' with no broke bro."

10.) The La Toya interview tonight will be awesome.
Judging from The Insider's preview of it.

1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

So much erotic energy coming through the screen. Did it get your viewing device hot and damp, as if it had been inside a human body? You're welcome!

Lovely video made by Gawker video intern Krutika Mallikarjuna.

P.S.



P.P.S.

If they don't get their minds right! Because, you know, they can't ever give a straight answer to questions about what producers told them to do and what was faked and what was real, etc & etc forever. Joy then sass-mouthed Heidi for aspiring to be like Mother Teresa but then going and posing nude for Playboy.

Perhaps every lite-news outlet has just had their Peter Finch moment this morning and just aren't gonna take it anymore. Too bad Ryan Seacrest doesn't do an afternoon show so the the Pratts could whine and moan about how unfair everyone's being all over again.

Tonight, Wolf Blitzer is going to unhinge his jaw and devour them whole. Then they'll pass through Larry King's lower intestine and end up in Pat O'Brien's backyard. From there, no one will ever hear from them again.

Though some may watch this and find reason to pity or condemn DeVito as little more than a pathetic old drunk, you almost have to sort of admire him a bit. After all, here he is at just past 8 in the morning on the set of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a show that he both produces and co-stars in, doing an interview with a local news lady and not really seeming to have a care in the world and just enjoying life. Danny DeVito may be a drunk, but he seems like a celebratory drunk, as opposed to the dreadful "my life sucks" drunk, and we endorse celebratory drunkenness. Again, he's wasted at 8 in the morning while he's at work. What's not to envy about that?

Well, okay, maybe there is something sad about this, but whatever—We want to drink limoncellos with Danny DeVito!

1.) Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Love. On the premiere episode this week, Paris eliminated a girl because Wayne Newton's tiger didn't like her. I miss her already. She was fun to watch.

Gif via FourFour

And she did good drawings.

2.) Paris was on The View, and Babs wasn't buying her whole "it's Pilates" act.

3.) Babs seems to to think that Paris Hilton and Paris Is Burning are one and the same. To be fair, it's an unsurpising mistake for some to make.

4.) Digging for gold, picking a winner.
A two-year old little boy purported to be an expert pool player was invited on The Yenta Hour of Today, where he picked his nose and ate his boogers.

5.) Why did she deliver her baby alone? Why is her baby not related to her? How did her baby die? Why is her baby alive? Why didn't she question anything!?

6.) "Betty White is a raging bitch."

7.) The magic behind Bridget's Sexiest Beaches is that watching Bridget Marquardt is like watching the joy of a toddler discovering the world, like how doorknobs work, or how food on a spoon is sometimes like an airplane flying into your mouth.

8.) That, and the cultural learning experience that comes with shopping abroad.

9.) Heidi Pratt is very much into Christianity. She strives to be like Mother Teresa, and thinks that material possessions are not important.

Unless, of course, it's dry shampoo.

10.) "I don't play well with others."

1.) Cougars!
Babs had a hard time saying it at first…

…but once she did, she liked how it sounded.

A lot.

2.) Sometimes soap opera dialogue sounds like that of a Russ Meyer movie.

3.) Talking about the weather, being judgmental about seat belt safety…Lauren Conrad is the definition of a square snot.

4.) Tyra is square snot².

5.) The Insider suggests the state intervene with Jon and Kate…because they are raising narcissists. Could you imagine the tax hike that would occur should indulgence be made a criteria of neglect/abuse?

6.) But that's business as usual for The Insider.

7.) Did Whoopi fuck Hugh Hefner?

8.) My mom was in The View audience this week. I could recognize her anywhere. Dollars to donuts I hear all about how freezing it was in the studio, and how rude Joy Behar is for not wanting to pose with her during a commercial break, the next time we speak. This is at least the sixth time in 11 years that's she's been an audience member on that show.

9.) How do you call monkeys?

10.) Janice Dickinson was on Finland's Next Top Model, and we posted about how she got wasted, fell down a flight of stairs, and then insulted the contestants by calling them "fucking dumb." However, she was totally blotto when she first arrived on set, acting like Miss Hannigan.

All of it culminated with awkward camera work and Joy shrieking that Babs had just come out and then Ms. Walters making a "don't ask, don't tell joke" and our heads lolled back on our necks and our ears started ringing. So, nothing new from The View.

Goldberg's furious anger was set off by Beck's quackery-laden version of events, as told to his radio audience, after he ran into Goldberg and Barbara Walters on an Amtrak train to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Beck, in the typical charlatan on steroids fashion that is his hallmark, told his audience that Amtrak had reserved seating for Walters, Goldberg and 60 Minutes' Steve Kroft, when it's normally their policy not to reserve seats for anyone (You know corporate America—-always sucking the assholes of the liberal media!). So this set off the ladies of The View, who claimed that no such thing had happened, and Beck just sat their sheepishly half-apologizing, claiming that he "misspoke" ala Nancy Pelosi, looking every bit like a bratty child who'd been sent to the principal's office for firing spitballs at a handicapped kid. And all the while Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn't say a fucking word (I'm convinced that she may actually be undergoing an ideological conversion right now, but I could be wrong).

Watch this clip, if only so you can fully comprehend just how disgustingly reptilian Glenn Beck is.