Vadim Ponorovsky, the owner of Paradou, a restaurant in the Meatpacking district, described on its website as a "light-filled, airy oasis... filled with warmth and charm," really REALLY wants waitstaff to collect email addresses from customers, presumably so he can spam them. Here's the happy, team-building email he sent out, from a tipster.

To All,

Please read this email carefully. This is the last time we will be discussing this.

This weekend, saturday and sunday we had 451 customers. Guess how many emails we collected? 60? 80? 40? No. None of those. We, or more acurately you, collected 2 emails. Thats less than half of one percent. 2 fucking emails.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES?!?!?! How many times do we have to tell you how important it is that you collect emails. Everytime we have a slow night and you make no money and you sit there bitching about how you make no money, remember its because youre fucking lazy motherfuckers. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY!!!!! ALL OF YOU, INCLUDING THE HOSTS!!!!

Let me guess, youre probably sitting there saying "Vadim is such a fucking asshole. How dare he speak to me like this. I dont need this." Youre right, you dont, so why dont you get the fuck out. Any and all of you.

Youre probably sitting there saying "How dare he speak to me like this. How dare he not have respect for me". Youre right there also. I have absolutely no respect for any of you. Why? Because every fucking day, all of you continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for me or Alex. So if you dont respect us enough to do the little that we ask you to do, then GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKING LAZY DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLES!!!!!

Effective immediately, any server or host who fails to collect at least 20 emails per week, will be fined $100. Anyone failing to collect at least 20 emails for two weeks in a month will be fired immediately. No matter what. No matter who you are.

You dont want to do your job, you dont want to do what we ask, you dont belong at Paradou. Go find another place to work.

How dare you disrespect Alex and me this way. How dare you completely ignore what we ask of you time after time after time.

I am sick of all this shit, you bunch of fucking children. This is what I have to deal with at 6AM?!?!? I wouldnt tolerate this from my 13 year old, and Im sure as shit not going to tolerate it from any of you assholes.

You give no respect, you get 10 times back.

Be nice to waiters people! Tip generously! Tell them they look nice! They have enough trouble. And sometimes they don't get even get paid.

UPDATE: Ponorovsky has explained the email to Daniel Maurer of New York Magazine's Grub Street (and also to Eater).

He did not respond to an email from us seeking comment. But to add to that defense here is a message he sent our tipster when he found out they'd forwarded his fiery missive.

If the people who work for me are not happy they can find employment elsewhere. I do not hide. I speak my mind. They get praise when they deserve it and they got this because they desrved it too. I have no time for your childish sniping. And if anyone on my staff feels that they need you to defend them, they've chosen very poor champions.

Now please kindly go fuck yourselves or each other

The man does have a gift for profanity.

In short, Twitter's new slogan reflects the microblogging service's evolution from a venue for self expression into a forum for conversation, according to Welsh linguist David Crystal. Crystal seemed an ideal expert to consult on Twitter's new phrasing: he has written or contributed to more than 100 books on language, including on internet linguistics, and examined the text-messaging culture from which Twitter was born in his most recent work, the appropriately-titled Txtng: The Gr8 Db8.

Here is what Crystal emailed us about the significance of Twitter's change in phrasing:

I'm not surprised. Twitter has become steadily more discursive, with people maintaining threads and introducing a great deal more interaction, rather than posting isolated tweets. As a result the focus has shifted from the individual to the group, and a more open question is required to capture this emphasis. What-doing looks inward. What-happening looks outward. It's a natural development, it seems to me.

So Twitter's users have, at the very least, moved beyond mere navel gazing and into arguing. Way to go, narcissists!

(Pic: Crystal, via DavidCrystal.com)

Blogger Ben Casnocha's friend told him, "There is nowhere we are more honest than the search box. We don't lie to Google." That seems to be true, judging from the blunt queries offered up by Google's autocomplete suggestions, which are generated based on other similar and popular searches. In other words, people have asked these actual questions, niftily compiled by Slate:

The suggestions get classier if you rephrase your query to sound more edum'cated. But still disturbing:

Disturbing though they may be, these suggestions are at least anonymous. Anonymous, that is, until Google "suggests" a search to a federal agent that makes him wonder, "Who the hell asked that?" Until that inevitable day, have fun.

Turn away if you're easily moved. The Wall Street Journal reports that builders are leaving butlers' pantries, fireplaces, guest suites, granite counter-tops and built-in wine coolers out of new homes. Will someone think of the children? Imagine the deprivation of growing up with a fibreglass shower instead of a tiled one. I feel sick.

So much tacky crap has been cut out that the footprint of some luxury houses has shrunk to 2500 square feet. Which is approximately ten times the size of my apartment.

Consultant "John" and Cornell Business School employee "Lisa" are both married, Guest of a Guest reports, though now that their pictures and email thread are being seen by the entire world those relationships are severely endangered. Blame John's denial fetish: without all that sexual teasing he so clearly relished, he might not have been "WAY TOO FUCKING HORNY" to think straight at work and properly operate Outlook or whatever.

The full email exchange, apparently copied under the leaked email, is an odd mix of sexual panting, taunting and discussion of the mistress' children (who John apparently met) and their eating habits. It's pasted below, but here are some highlights, via Guest of a Guest:

(Top pic: Fredonino on Flickr)

Full thread:

From: John >

Date: November 6, 2009

To: Lisa >, $JSEvents >

Subject: RE:

Thanks! Tell him Hi right back at him when ya see him later!

Hey, can you re-send me that link to the article about Obama, and the one world, NWO? I misplaced the link to that, and hadn't finished reading it yet.

GOD, I can't stop feeling like you're tickling me, and I can't stop TASTING you!!! This is all VERY DISTRACTING!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:58 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Trevor wanted me to be sure to tell you hi he's up here with me today or around here somewhere (I think he took the bus up to the mall).

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:56 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! At the very LEAST!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:55 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

That's how I hope to go, only to be revived so we could do it all over again. I guess that would mean doing it TWICE!!!!!!!!!!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:54 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Yes, my thoughts exactly!

Tickled and licked and orgasmed to death!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:34 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I don't think you will either (she said with a devilishly shy grin), but what a way to go.;-)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:32 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!

And by this method, you bring me right to the edge of release, over and over and over again, yet each time I'm denied,and fiendishly tickled even more???

I don't think I'll survive!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:23 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I see me sitting in your lap straddling, really.facing you with my legs draped over your restrained arms and then wrapped around you and your chair holding you in place you're pinned and unable to move. I'm leaning back ever so slightly with my hands braced on your desk, helping me to grind my pussy against you.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:21 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

OH DEAR GOD HELP ME!!!

You are pushing buttons that are getting me WAY TOO FUCKING HORNY for being stuck at work!!!

And just WHAT am I supposed to do now??? I can practically FEEL your torturous little fingernails flitting across my stomach, and they're making me ACHE with the desire for RELEASE!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:07 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I have visions of strutting into your office in nothing but a trench coat and CFM heels locking the door duct taping your hands to the arms of your chair teasing your with my nails and tongue, tickling, poking, prodding..and then straddling your rock hard cock. Only to stop just seconds before you cum..and start all over again.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:03 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Again, I SECOND that motion! (No pun intended!!! :))

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:02 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Yep, that sounds EXACTLY like something I would do.forget twice, I'd be doing it over and over and over and over again!!!

and I'd give anything to be doing exactly that right now!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 1:00 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yeah, you are CERTAINLY THAT for me also Baby! And I second the motion on time to hold you in my arms.

I think about the time spent on your couch often, in that regard. Plus, I also recall looking deep into your eyes, touching your face, and kissing you SO DEEPLY

And I also recall your naughty little hands getting very playful, snaking their way down my shirt to tickle!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:57 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

AMEN to that sweetie.you are my ounce of sanity in a very insane world right now .thank you so very much for that.I just wish I could spend more time hiding in the safety of your arms..

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:55 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yeah, me too!

And you are CERTAINLY THAT for me also Baby, among many other wonderful things! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:51 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

(I like the private porn star best of all hehehehehe)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:48 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

ALL OF THE ABOVE BABY!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:46 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I knew I could count on you!!! You're my hero!!!! My knight in shining armor!!! My private porn star!!!!!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:44 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

OH, I can SERIOUSLY help you with both of those Baby, don't worry!

And I will be SO FUCKING HORNY after I get done SPANKING that FINE ASS of yours for hours, you'll be FULL for a week after you swallow me! And I hear that CUM is an excellent source of protein, as well as other nutrients!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:39 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Because more than half the time, I'm actually just fixing for just Jake as Trevor has already eaten half the house by the time I get home. And the minute we come in the door, Jake is heading straight for his highchair and wanting fed before I even have my coat off. So I fix him something quick (grilled cheese, omelet, etc.). Or over the weekend I'm make a big pot of something so we can have leftovers, which Jake and Trevor don't mind, but I get sick of them within a day or two and resort back to popcorn.I'm bad, I know.I think I need a good spanking.and to be put on my knees and force fed.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:34 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Well, the my willing to feed you part goes without saying Baby!

So when you're fixing dinner for Trevor and Jake, why don't you just make enough for you also?

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:30 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

It's the same thing I had yesterday honey.truth be told, I really don't eat very well anymore. I'm so busy with Jake that I don't have much time to fix anything decent for myself it's easier for me to fix him and Trevor dinner and then throw a bag of popcorn in the microwave for myself.BUT, if you're willing to feed me, I'm willing to swallow each and every time!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:27 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Leftover chicken from last night. And a diet Mountain Dew!

A bagel is your lunch??? You need to CUM up here more often to I can feed you properly!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:25 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

A bagel and a soda.what are you having?

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:24 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! I hear ya!

What's for lunch today?

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:16 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

.I'm just sitting here eating my lunch and giggling at this whole conversation, we just crack me up!!!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:15 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yes, you CERTAINLY WOOD Baby!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:01 PM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I'd have you up in the front seat right next to me.and although my car is an automatic, I do know how to drive a stick shift.and I'd be sure to have a stick to shift on my way home.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:59 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! EXACTLY where I was going with this sweetie! See, we are on the same wavelength, as usual!

You have me in the back of your car right now, tied up in the back seat. And you're sitting on me, giggling and tickling, giving me sort of a preview of what I can expect when you get me home! And I am sitting here SO FUCKING HARD from thinking about this!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:54 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

That depends on your definition of concerned But if I'm lurking in the dark to get you then conversely, you could be lurking in the dark to get me and just the mere thought of that doesn't concern me, but makes me very wet.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:52 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Too funny Lisa!

So let's see you like bats, the dark, and the idea of tying me up, kidnapping me, and then mercilessly tickle torturing me!

Should I be concerned??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:49 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

LOLOLOL.see, even the powers that be knew how much I liked the dark, so they just shut power of .sadly it came back on which is just as well, cause I was too far away from your desk any way!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:21 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! Oh? And why is that??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:07 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

That's on my schedule for Monday.first thing.actually, if Don leaves Sunday night, I'll be making a night time raid.after all, I work best after dark.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 11:05 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! What was it you said to me last week? Something about tying me up and taking me home, never to be seen again??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:56 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

You're sooooo willing.one of the many admirable traits I find so endearing about you.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:54 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

OK!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:53 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Let me cum up there and feel ya.I need to see for myself.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:52 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

AT LEAST!!! The way I'm feeling right now!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:50 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Yes it would.at least twice!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:50 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

That'll work!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:48 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I'd do a private showing for you babe.just you, me, and your lap.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:47 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Only if YOU'RE dancing there Baby!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:44 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

You and me both baby.so any big bachelor plans for the weekend?? Kumas? (hehehehe.)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:43 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Don't I wish!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:06 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

It (and me) are only a bus ride away.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:05 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Wow! I just LOVE that idea! And it would require no extra seasoning, seeing as how it would have your savory juices all over it!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 10:01 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Uh,a bright blue thong.if you want more specifics you;ll have to just see it for yourself.it could be your lunch;-)

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:59 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Well, be specific please!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:57 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

A thong of course.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:56 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

That sounds VERY SEXY to me!!! What kind of panties do you have on??? :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:53 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

I really hate the weekends anymore, how pathetic is that?!!?

On another note, I look like a damn schoolgirl today. Jake was up at 5:15 this morning and full of piss and vinegar so I had very little time to get ready. My hair's up in a pony tail and I've got on sneakers, jeans, and a sweatshirt.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:51 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

My thoughts EXACTLY Baby!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:50 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Damn.wish I could be a bachelorette this weekend!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:49 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Ha! That's it exactly!

That was a GOOD ONE Lisa! Thanks! I'm going to start calling them that!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:47 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

So you get to be a bachelor this weekend, just you and the kamikaze birds.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:45 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Hard to say, my wife is on her way down there now, and the family is divided on what to do at this point.

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:43 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

How's your mother-in-law? This must be such a difficult time for all concerned.

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:42 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Yeah, me too! I thought about you bunches yesterday!!! :)

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:41 AM

To: John

Subject: RE:

Glad you're back. I've missed you for sure. but then again, I'm always missing you!

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 9:38 AM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

Hi Baby!

Much better, thanks! Here at work now.

From: Lisa

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 8:33 AM

To: John Wilson

Subject:

Good morning sweetheart.you've been MUCH on my mind this morning. I'm worried and anxious to hear how you're doing this morning.

Why doesn't Yelp just show how a restaurant's inflated ratings compare to its competitors' inflated ratings, thus negating the surplus of stars? VentureBeat's Kim-Mai Cutler asked, and Yelp answered: "Virtually identical ratings mean people have to dive into reviews to understand what's different, said Vince Sollitto, who heads communications for the San Francisco-based company." Translation: Confusion means more traffic means more advertising dough.

Which is too bad for hard-core Yelpers used to being pampered by gladhanding restaurateurs: Once owners figure out how easy it is to get five stars, the free drinks and food are over.

(Graphic via Yelp blog)

Thousands of people lined up for assistance, with some arriving the night before, like a new iPhone was being released, except the opposite. The line went around the block. The Police Gang Unit showed up. A fight broke out.

The city was directing people with additional questions to call 313-224-0316, but no one was answering before calls to that number were automatically disconnected just before noon today.

And here is the part where some stupid, hippy-dippy liberal pantywaist would be like "huh so banks get literally billions with the understanding that eventually they should maybe pay some of it back but we will only help 5,000 human beings pay their electric bills, and only if they get their application in by 2 p.m. today. Crazy!" But, as we said, only someone fat and annoying like Michael Moore would say that.

This kinda takes the shine off that 12th-inning Twins victory, right?

[Old Tiger Stadium photo: Heyroob via Flickr]

Weathers will probably do more like one year, according to The Smoking Gun, although the time will be hardened by the fact that Weathers will have the least intimidating criminal record in the joint. "What are you in for?" "Mugging the shit out of a bunch of people. You?" "I stole DVDs from the mail and put them into my backpack everyday at work, until Netflix tipped off the USPS and I was busted on a surveillance video. I was caught RED HANDED. Geddit? Ha?"

A page of the plea agreement reprinted by the Smoking Gun refers to "the 3,012 recovered DVDs," implying that Weathers couldn't even fence the property he stole from the DVD mailing service, which is just as well: He faced $38,000 in restitution if he couldn't cough up the goods. Worst. Heist thriller. Ever.

(Pic via HackingNetflix on Flickr)

Like Dan Kearns! Dan Kearns is a construction worker from Florida, and because there is no construction in Florida anymore, he does not have very much to do. So he decided to rename himself "Snipe" and hike north on the trail with guys named "Angry Hippie" and "Dance Party." This is "a symbol" of either "a jobless recovery or of a still-deepening recession" and there are data that prove its a trend:

Typically, about 1,000 hikers leave Georgia each spring in hopes of completing the trail in one all-out trek. This year, trail monitors say, close to 1,400 hikers were in the first wave, with hundreds more following behind through early summer.

People who start at the bottom and hike up are called "NoBos," and people who do it the other way are called "SoBos." The Journal notes: "NoBos and SoBos are reminiscent of the hobos of the Great Depression, though there aren't so many of them this time."

"Hiking the Appalachian Trail" was invented by South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, and while there is a lot of talk of actual hiking through Virginia with modern-day ex-banker hobos or whatever it actually means secretly flying to Argentina to have sex with a woman who isn't your wife.

Now this offer, originally blogged by San Francisco PR man Jared Rivera, doesn't say you have to write a positive review on Yelp. Just any old review, of this restaurant. But if you didn't enjoy your meal, a 20 percent discount on the next one isn't going to motivate you to do anything, including writing a Yelp review. Those who do write up a review will be inclined to add extra star-age, since they'll be presenting the review directly to restaurant staff. It all adds to an easy way for the restaurant — in this case, Mel's, an unremarkable 1950s style diner — to juice their online ratings.

This sort of red-carpet treatment is baked into Yelp's business model; the San Francisco company regularly invites its favored users to "Yelp Elite" events where they are wined and dined at a restaurant's expense. A flood of positive reviews often follows.

Some restaurants have also taken to targeting heavy users of foursquare, an iPhone application that lets you "check-in" to a particular location. Become enough of a regular, and foursquare will crown you "mayor" of that spot. The app is only five months old, but already the owner of Lure and Chinatown Brasserie in downtown New York is buttering up Lure "mayor" Scott Kidder with off-the-menu dishes. "Beyond bullshit" was how Eater.com co-founder Lockhart Steele reacted to this VIP treatment on Twitter. (Disclaimer: Kidder handles my paychecks; Steele used to oversee Gawker.com.)

Of course, restaurants have always kowtowed to opinion shapers. Esquire critic John Mariani is among those known for accepting free meals from restaurants that end up in his magazine; even critics who pay their own way can benefit from lavish chef attention when they do not visit anonymously. But old-school favor trading was at least subtle, visible mainly to media critics and industry insiders — the proverbial making of the sausage was no more in the diner's face than the literal.

Catering to the large and growing corps of Web VIPs is, by necessity, a more explicit affair. This transparency can be unappetizing, especially when it looks desperate, as on the receipt above. But it does send a useful signal to diners about the priorities of the people from whom they buy food and service. And at a time when diners increasingly do want to know how their sausage is made, they might as well also learn something about the manufacture of restaurant buzz. Of both the organic and synthetic sort.

[via Michael Bauer, San Francisco Chronicle]

(Top pic: A Yelp Elite event in San Francisco, via Yelp on Flickr)

Thankfully this is starting to annoy some people. Ad man Edward Boches wonders if "instead of simply echoing each other's sentiments about the awesomeness of community... we should have a few more disagreements." Yes, yes you should! Marketing pundit Bob Knorpp called for a rougher approach to the Twitter circle jerk: "If we're among friends, we tend to fall into certain patterns... we're not pushing their comfort zone."

Twitter Inc. would no doubt point to a paucity of trolls as one of its defining features, and the microblogging service's powerful social mores tame the internet in a way prim critics like the New York Times' Randy Cohen have advocated. But a flood of positivity can be just as pernicious as a wave of nastiness, as anyone on the unhappy side of a viral marketing campaign, spammy follower or self-promotional tweet-frenzy can attest. Which is why Twitter needs more assholes. If you see one, consider following him. It's for the greater good.

(Pic: Maria Palma)

British insurance company Legal & General recently published a scary-sounding report called "The Digital Criminal" which asserts users of Facebook et al. are opening themselves up to disaster, like burglars.

You know, because burglars can see when and where you're on vacation, then find your home, break in, steal your stuff, pee on your toilet seat and overfeed your fish. Then you come back and you're shit's gone, your toilet's sticky, your fish is dead and you kick yourself, "Why did I tweet myself in the foot?"

Considering all the dangers lurking in — and, apparently, out — of the internet, Legal & General and other insurance companies are talking about raising rates for those who indulge in virtual networking. Still, they admit it's not so black and white:

Malcolm Cooper, director of pricing and underwriting at Legal & General, said: "It's a challenging one for the insurance industry. Just because someone is burgled, you can't prove that it's down to details posted on Facebook.

"It could be that we start asking how many youngsters are in the home for example."

Cooper obviously hasn't heard that it's not the young one who are responsible for the silly Twitter boom. It's The Olds! Although, we admit, his rationale does make a good argument for selling one's ingrate children.

Don't get us wrong. Not everyone on the microblogging service wants for real-life social interaction. Celebrities like Ashton Kutcher and Oprah Winfrey get invited to plenty of hot parties, and use Twitter more for self promotion than anything else.

But the rest of us? We're old people — a.k.a. adults — who don't actually see each other as often as we'd like. We've got significant others, kids, and — if the economy has been kind to us — time-consuming, energy-sapping jobs. And old mature farts don't have a huge cache of beer-chugging party photos to upload to Facebook, or hours to spend indulging in-depth symmetrical relationships on that social network.

Hence, Twitter. It's not a supplement to a social life; it is a replacement social life. It's no accident that the site was started by thirtysomething programmers and technical book authors, and that some of it's earlies adopters were freelance writers, some of the loneliest people on the planet. Which isn't to say this core constituency makes Twitter any less interesting, or worthwhile. If anything, it's the reverse; what was the last pop culture trend created by shut-in adults?

(Pic: Twitter co-founder Jack Dorsey, a programmer whose social life appears quite active in the wake of his creation. By Joi Ito.)

A study of 297 depressed people found that those who had "online therapy" were twice as likely to eventually report their depression had ended as those who just went to see a general practitioner, who in Britain typically prescribe antidepressants due to the wait for talking treatment. That's all according to a study summarized in the Guardian and funded by a foundation connected to the private UK insurer Bupa.

The takeaway for depressed, underinsured Americans: Bug your otherwise productive friends on instant messenger! It will probably make you feel better. The etiquette of the medium means an instant response is likely, and that usually feels vaguely affirming. Or at least that's our entirely uncredentialed sense of things. Which got us to speculating wildly about the anti-depressive potential of other internet media:

• Twitter: It's theoretically easy for your friends to write you back, since the expectations (140 characters or less) are enticingly low. But it can be like shouting into a void; people are here mostly to click on news links and funny videos, not to think about your feelings.
  
• Facebook: A slightly warmer and more social place than Twitter, but one that moves at a slower and thus less gratifying pace. You'll have more license to spill out your thoughts, but in a context where people are less likely to respond.
  
• Email: By the time you hear back, your mind is on to a completely different set of depressing thoughts.
  
• Tumblr: People can totally reblog and respond to you here! Tumblr people are big on replying to things. But they're also big on one-upsmanship and sniping, so make sure your feelings are, uh, sufficiently witty.
  
• Phone call: Probably the best option if you're feeling truly down: It's instant, intimate, and with about 10 million times the emotional depth of instant messenger. The only trouble is finding someone with the time to take your call; spilling out your heart to a friend whose clearly rushing from one meeting to another is going to make you miss the internet all over again.

These options are obviously suboptimal, but keep in mind they're just stopgaps until we all get our own personal robot therapists/government spies, in 2030.

UPDATE: The stat about a one-year delay came from this, in the Guardian story: "According to the Mental Health Foundation, it's common for British patients to wait more than a year to get talking treatment, and 78 percent of GPs have prescribed antidepressant drugs through lack of an alternative."

That certainly doesn't mean everyone waits that long, or that some of us wouldn't kill for a system like the NHS here. The story also notes that the NHS has launched a program to train more therapists.

(Emoticon via)

The nervous excitement at Winkers™ HQ is certainly palpable. "Patent pending," the website declares, adding that the product has just been reintroduced "in the 4th of July Parade in Hailey, Idaho 2009." Yes, "LICENSING IS AVAILABLE," and it's also recommended, because if you try anything, bailly@baillylawfirm.com will be on you like a pair of jeans pulled taut over an ample rump.

We were most excited about the "Lion in the Jungle" pants (left), which are totally worth the $569, but then we picked up hints of even more exciting new product lines:

Some dresses and lingerie will also wink. I do not have a satisfactory way to decorate lingerie though. Perhaps later.

We wouldn't wait too long guys; "Winker panties" is an even sexier concept than the jeans thing. HAVE YOU EVEN FILED A PATENT ON THAT YET?? You all have the power to walk us out of this recession, one "crease between your buttock and the top of your leg" at a time! Hop to!

Sporting some kind of hideous quarter-goatee, Kneale, then at Forbes, allowed the Today show to confiscate his BlackBerry, back in 2007. He surely though it would be a glorious publicity stunt on a national stage; that Kneale only lasted 40 hours out of a week indicates he lost control of the situation, and that his on-camera tears were real.

Kneale has trimmed himself up nicely since this was shot, but we hear he's still partial to journalistic theatrics. And NBC is still turning his humiliation into easy buzz.

While Trump and Kushner just go to real estate events and check their BlackBerries, Mayer and her husband Zack Bogue — "lawyer/investment manager/athlete/philanthropist" — have actually rewired one anothers' cyborg circuitry:

She's also converted him to sleeping an hour less per night... "She woke

Zack up at 5:00 a.m. and wanted to give her speech; I said, ‘Zack, you

signed up for it. Now you know.' " Zack knows and thrives.

When not subjecting one another to sleep deprivation, Mayer and Bogue like to run triathlons and marathons, carry their laptops everywhere so they can work, stay up late so they can work and maintain three homes, to be near wherever the work is. The couple also enjoys encouraging you to give up on your worthless, silly professional life and consider maybe jarring homemade jam on a farm somewhere, or making hummus in a filthy commune or whatever it is the remaining hippies do these day.

From the Guardian:

About 200 youngsters showed up, not all of them intent on behaving themselves.



Up to 70 police officers from two forces, including dog handlers and a helicopter team, were needed to break up the party,

Keep in mind that the teenagers who organized the event didn't even include their address in the invitation, and had the apparent cooperation of parents. But Facebook + teenagers + alcohol = "Lads were jumping over the fence from other gardens and we ended up with about 150 in our garden," as one of the parents put it.

Far better is something with some built-in social friction, like a written invitation, or a painful-to-use website like, say, eVite!

(Pic: A prior Facebook riot, which erupted last year, started as a "small private gathering" to drink cocktails on the London tube. Getty Images.)

Halem, who looks like your average middle class white dude (see pic) is adamantly "not bitter" that he can't survive solely as a journalist, states, "If I wanted to destroy my life, I wanted it to be for something I knew I could sell." Yo society, there's something not quite right when, after an education of $100K-plus, one of the few available job opportunities for an aspiring writer (and maybe even for Twitter itself) is selling something called "Blackberry Kush."

The @artistscollctve Twitter account went up last week and, in the vein of a more #420 friendly Kogi BBQ, the medical marijuana delivery service also boasts "On-Time GPS" and the availability of "green crack." Artists for Access is a "creative non-profit" operating under something called a 501 3c non-profit license, "as far as the law is concerned, we're good."

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Technically legal in California, Halem's dicey business model is legit from a state standpoint, but not federally. You can't just call up an get a bag, but knowing the multitudes of dodgy loopholes that exist in the CA medical marijuana policy (i.e. insomnia counts) it's probably not that hard to score a prescription. Line up your doctor's notes ASAP! Because this opportunity may not (probably won't) last.