The WSJ reports:

Men who didn't confront colleagues or bosses who treated them unfairly doubled their risk of heart attack, according to a study in Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

*WASHINGTON POST JOKE.*

[Pacquiao for Congress!]

What is a "job," really? For millions of Americans, it's something they don't have. So why worry about it? Why try to be like all the successful generations that came before you? Why not "do your own thing," for sustenance?

If you don't have the balls to live the full-on unemployed life, don't worry: you have options. It doesn't have to be like an episode of The Office, without the humorous aspects! There are many new jobular models in the new employmongering paradigm. At Best Buy's headquarters, they have a "Results Only Work Environment," where there's no set hours, as long as the work gets done. Hippies love it! "One runs meetings by teleconference from his cabin near a lake; another does much of his work electronically while following his favorite rock band around the country."

Corporate hippies make me sick. Take a lesson from the CEO of Toyota: He stood up at a press conference and groveled his ass off, like a disgraced scared lonely child with muscular dystrophy wandering in a wolf-infested haunted forest of doom. He apologized for financial losses and safety issues and layoffs and, honest to god direct quote here, told the audience, "I'm sorry I am standing on a podium, standing above you."

All these new models so far are sickening. Is there any hope for Real Men? Yes: The New York City Building Department is still infested with mobsters. They hate hippies. They don't apologize for shit. And they die in jail. That's called a "job."

The site doesn't claim to take any kind of political stance on the globalizing, capitalist behemoth, and Adbusters' nightmare that is Wal-Mart, other than that as purely sociological entertainment. They even say so in their, uh, manifesto:

People of Walmart was founded in August of 2009 by three friends and roommates after an inspirational trip to WalMart. Let's face it; we all have seen the people who obviously don't have mirrors and/or family and friends to lock them in a basement, and they all seem to congregate at Walmart. It's not everywhere that you can shop for milk at 10 a.m. next to a 400lb mother of 6 wearing a pink tube top, leopard tights, and hooker heels.

And again: this is, on a very real level, needlessly mean. Cintra Wilson would approve.

But it's also completely fascinating to see the "all stripes" crowd that comes to Wal-Mart for their psychotically competitive, mom-and-pop murdering prices. The composite picture that's coming together could be one of the great photo essays of our time. I'm gonna go ahead and call this art. It's Andreas Gursky meets the social voyeurism of Party Crash photog Nikola Tamindzic, mixed in with the strange loneliness of Edward Hopper's Nighthawks. Here're some of my favorites of what you're going to see. Like I said: art.

Page Six quotes a new Andrew Kirtzman book about Madoff as saying, hey, the SEC, they just sent young kids to try to regulate the master! And furthermore:

"The youthful SEC staffers were so dazzled to be at Madoff headquarters that they occasionally inquired about job openings at the company," Kirtzman writes.

Well, sure. I mean, the walls curved. Understandable.

The thing that makes America great is its hustling spirit, and nowhere is that more evident than in the many new and creative ways we find to rob and steal from our wealthier neighbors to stay afloat. Instead of paying $25 for a parking sticker in the Hamptons, people are stealing them. Why is this news? Because everything that happens in the Hamptons is news, and also because, ha, one of the people that got robbed was Calvin Klein, can you imagine the look on his smug rich face when he has to stand in line at some shitty municipal office all day to get another parking sticker?

You can rob his car again while he does so.

Sadly, robbing Calvin Klein is not an industry large enough to support America's teenagers, all of whom are out of work because they do not hold the advanced degree now required to land a Taco Bell job. The only hope for our most unskilled and unemployable citizens: Wal-Mart. And it's trying to get into NYC again.

Wal-Mart has tried this before. They were handily run out of town by the unions and told not to come back lest they find their automobiles burglarized for their parking stickers, and also maybe they would "find" a baseball bat contacting their shins at high speed, because you ain't from around here is ya, Wal-Mart? So back then Wal-Mart went on home, to Arkansas, (or Florida), where they are against unions, because unions are communists. (And homos??). But now everything has changed because there is no more money and hello, your old friend Wal-Mart is back, with jobs, to move into NYC! Wal-Mart would like to move into a poor neighborhood somewhere in an outer borough where they will be welcomed, and unions still say they will put up a big fight, but will they?

We hope they can keep Wal-Mart out. But we're not optimistic. Cause in our great nation these days, if you're not working at the Wal-Mart, you're working at the casino. And nobody's working at the casino any more.

Dov gave the Globe and Mail this less-than-scathing denial:

As for Mr. Charney, he wrote in an e-mail that he does want his employees to look good - but that doesn't mean they have to be good-looking.

"At American Apparel, we strive to hire salespeople who have an enthusiasm for fashion and retail and who themselves have good fashion sense," he said. "But this does not necessarily mean they have to be physically attractive."

So if you're ugly, at least wear something that shows off your ass.
[Pic: Getty]

Build an Alliance: This is the strategy that original winner (and tax evader) Richard Hatch pioneered and has subsequently been aped on every competitive reality program since. Why not use it to save your job? The trick is you can't hitch your wagon to people you actually like. No, you have to get in league with people who want to band together for self-preservation rather than camaraderie, people who will have your back because you'll have their back, not because they think you're fun and share a town car home with you after closing (those days are probably over too). And if someone starts to raise allegations about one of your "people" fight back, but not too loudly. The best alliance is one that no one ever knows about.

Be a Swing Vote: If you can't get into a good alliance, the only other suitable Survivor strategy is to be a swing vote. In this scenario, you have to align yourself with various warring factions in order to give them the strength they need to pick the other ones off. Build inroads into other departments and publications, so if they need your voice, you can chime in when and where you need to. They won't realize you played both sides of the fence until they're out the door.

Get an Immunity idol: The person with the immunity idol can not be voted out. You need to get one of your own. Gossip on the boss will only get you so far (and if you have some, please send it our way). Make sure there is one thing that only you know how to do to serve as your idol. Make sure that everyone knows that such-and-such will not get done unless you're still there, because the idol is useless unless you wear it around your pretty little neck like that bauble you stole from the sample closet.

You're Not Here to Make Friends: As this classic video reminds us, you are not here to make friends—except with the people from McKinsey. As for your coworkers, screw 'em. Make sure you do what is best for yourself, and don't think about anyone's feelings. Do you want to have a buddy to take to lunch or do you want a job to pay for it?

Do Your Job and Don't Stick Out: Among the first people voted out every season are the crazy (like poor Sandy, here) and the lazy. Make sure you are neither. Don't assert your individuality, and keep yourself busy. But don't fly under the radar for too long unless people think that your just floating by. After the first rounds of lay offs, start showing off all the hard work that you've been doing while everyone else was freaking out and popping Xanax.

Follow these steps and you're well on the way to a $1 million check. Or to the curb with your shit in a box, more likely.

Russell Abrams runs Titan Capital, a $200 million hedge fund (though it was $375 million two years ago, natch). Two of his employees—Danielle Pecile (pic below via her now-deleted Facebook account), 26, and Cristina Culicea (pic below via her Facebook), 27, have filed a sexual harassment suit against Abrams and his brother Marc, a Titan VP.

But not just your run-of-the-mill harassment! One of their complaints is that Russell Abrams gave Pecile a CD of photos of him and his wife on their honeymoon, and had her drop it off to get developed, and pick it up. Many of the photos of the wife showed her topless or even nude! Not what you would particularly like to do for your boss, in most cases. Pecile says Abrams smirked and said "You liked them, didn't you?" Now he wishes he had not done so:

[The women's lawyer] told Russell Abrams that one of the ways Pecile was harassed was in having to see the topless pictures, and that they had copies of them.

He said they would be returned if the entire case were settled, and that it would take $2.5 million to do so, the Abrams said. The photos were subsequently included as evidence in the EEOC complaint, the suit says.

Haha. You want to make me take your creepy ass nekkid photos to the developer? I will keep copies, then! And demand $2.5 million to give them back to you! Take note—you may be able to use this tactic in your own workplace, should the opportunity arise.

Now Russell Abrams' wife Sandra, who is pregnant, has filed a $1 million countersuit against the women so it's all very messy, but the lesson is, develop nude photos yourself.

[NYDN, NYP]

What Will Happen?

We got some fascinating insight into the McKinsey corporate bulldozer process, from people who have experienced it firsthand. First, look for your chance to put your thumb on the consulting scale: "The McKinsey team and the management team will usually form a joint working group. That working group will often have several lower level people from the client working on it to gather facts, run analyses, and so forth. Get on that team. At least you'll see what's coming, and at best you might influence it."

But don't expect to feel too important: "The big firms don't bother interviewing individual employees (a la the Bobs in Office Space) - they'll gut entire departments that they deem strategically insignificant or issue edicts like 'cut out 50% of management at this level.' The actual firing is all done by the client firm's management (McK would never get their hands dirty that way)." Another vet confirms: "McKinsey doesn't give a shit, they are not interested in you. They want to get rid of entire divisions, not individuals."

What Can You Do?

Be Nice to the Consultants—It does not pay to be an asshole, unfortunately. One tipster advises you to "cooperate with the consultants (they always report back to senior management)." Another survivor says, " If interviewed by a McKenzie, answer everything question nicely. If you hold back, or are snotty, they fire your ass. Threee of my former collegues tried the stonewall approach and got canned."

Suck Up—Kiss ass, Kiss ass, Kiss ass. "Suck up to your own superiors, and their superiors, and theirs." It's just that simple. A brown nose could give you a minute edge on your fellow layoff-eligibles.

Practice Subtle Backstabbing—You don't want to be seen as a desperate bastard ready to sell out any and all of your colleagues to save your own job (even though you are). You just want to plant the seed. Take it from someone who's been there: " Don't talk shit about individuals, talk shit about DIVISIONS in a passive-aggressive way. Saying things like: 'Those fellows that work in [blank] division are really nice guys, but I've worked here for five years and I still don't know what they do' is a winner." Corporate espionage at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

Watch Office Space—Several of you sent this tip. Har har. This will only have value if you can bribe a McKinseyite with, like, a hijacked truck full of Office Space DVDs.

Slut It Up—"If all else fails: Find out who the senior partner at McKinsey is, and fuck them." This is experience speaking, people.

Despair—You may find it strangely comforting to accept the fact that—even if you employ all of these countermeasures—you may still get fucked by McKinsey, and not just by the partner you fucked on purpose. "As a consultant for [firm] who's worked on several optimization cases, I wish the Conde Nasters luck. That being said, there's little they can do personally to avoid the axe," says one tipster. He should know! Need more proof? This comes from a former McKinsey consultant: "it's a good idea to release any sense of control you might have over your future. Being nice, being useful, and doing a great job all have nothing do with it - they will be deciding what the company should be doing, not making HR-type decisions about who's good at their job. If you work in a function that they decide doesn't need doing, it doesn't matter how nice/useful/great-at-your-job you are - that function will be eliminated."

Your job: Enjoy it while it lasts.

Virgin Megastore is officially dead. Dead along with it is one of your top five theoretical backup jobs in the event of your layoff; the idea that selling music in a store could be a profitable endeavor; your own whimsical daydream about one day maybe opening up a little record shop, just the really cool shit, and just living that life; and the music industry as a whole.

Hell, Joan Kroc gave the Salvation Army $1.8 billion and it still can't scrape together enough to build a new swimming pool in Detroit. Argentina's not crying for you, buddy. At least you have a job. You better hold onto like the precious diamond that it is—a valuable gem made out of dirt that you squeeze really tight. You do what you must. You do what the boss says. You do what the boss doesn't say, just to scrape and give yourself that tiny edge that just might cause them to lay off Doris, the receptionist, instead of you, when the time comes. "Furloughs," they said. "Ten percent less in the check, but you get a few more days off each month," they said. What happened? You work right through those furlough days. Because there's too much work. It's kind of like a staycation, but at work, and minus the "-cation." Just a "stay."

Of execution? One might say that. Yes one might. Because your Stay could be a staycation—of poorness:

"The real problem is that long-term unemployment is going up dramatically," said Franklin Allen, finance professor at the Wharton School. "Unfortunately, many people in their late 40s and 50s may never get jobs again."

How do you like them apples? I hope you like them enough to sell, for nickels, for the next 30 years.

For LGBT Co-Workers:

I don't consider you gay.
This is insensitive.

Never call a coworker a "fag" or "homo."
This is derogatory, rude, and totally
insensitive.

For African-American Coworkers:

Should we order fried chicken or
watermelon for you?
This is stereotyping and shows ignorance.

For Asian Coworkers:

You must be the new IT person.
All Asians are not IT professionals.

Can you recommend a good Chinese
restaurant?
All Asians are not Chinese. Take some time
to study a world map. The world is made up
of continents with many countries, regions,
cultures, and sub-cultures.

For Older Coworkers:

You know Wal Mart is hiring.
This is not funny. An older employee has
experience you could benefit from.

For White Coworkers:

That's how a typical white person acts.
You are suggesting that all white people are
the same by putting them in the same
category. The behavior may have nothing to
do with the person's race. [Ed.: Many white people are assholes for other reasons than race!]

For Coworkers With Disabilities:

You don't need to date; your life will be
better without a woman/man causing you
trouble.
Being disabled does not mean the person is
socially challenged.

For Hispanic/Latino Coworkers:

Can you help me out with my landscaping?
Why would you assume that all
Hispanics/Latinos are landscaping experts?

And there's so much more! Although no guidelines on Slut or Hick Coworkers.

Video #1 relates to the tip: "Don't mention your spouse's job." Particularly if it involves imaginary creatures.


And Video #2 relates to the tip: "Don't babble." We might also add, "Put down your fucking iced tea."
Luckily for these job hunters the job in question didn't actually exist! So all they lost was their time and dignity. Whew. [How to Nail an Interview]

To the Newsroom:

Many of you have asked how you could share your thoughts and ideas about ensuring a healthy financial future for The New York Times.

There is an active channel from the newsroom to the business side. Several committees, with representation from news and business, are actively exploring various money-making pursuits. And every week, newsroom representatives have been attending breakfasts held by the company's business leadership to hear what is on their minds.

And to make sure all corners of the newsroom have a voice, at the start of the year, we began organizing regular lunches with newsroom employees at all levels to offer their money making (and saving) ideas — large and small — for the Times. This is all about ways to better capitalize on our journalism.

These sessions are always attended by Bill, Jill, other members of the newsroom masthead, and a representative from the business side. We have had four lunches already, and they have been inspiring; a reminder of not only the depth of wisdom and cutting edge ideas in the newsroom, but of the devotion we all have to the continued success of The Times.

Summaries of the lunches have been forwarded to the business side. The ideas have ranged from ambitious multi-paged business models (in one case by a Harvard MBA who is a reporter here) to practical cost-saving notions like cutting back on paper in the newsroom.

Tom Carley, the senior vice president of planning, said many of the ideas had already been under consideration by the business side, but that the lunches have helped give his staff sharper focus. He said some of the ideas from the lunches have been rejected. But the encouraging news is that there are several suggestions that the business staff is now actively considering.

After the most recent lunch, Tom told me he appreciated the "intelligence and passion of the newsroom.''

If you have an idea — any idea — that you would like to share with the news and/or business management, forward it to me and I will make sure it gets to the right person at the highest levels. If you prefer, Bill said he'd be happy to take your emails directly.

And if you are interested in attending one of our upcoming brainstorming lunches, let me know.

Thanks.
Rick

How is our nation's science getting done between visits to asianbabes.com? Sens. Charles Grassley and Barbara Mikulski demand answers!

In one case, a senior staff member used his agency computer to view live sexual performances and engage in sex-oriented online "chatting" with performers.

"I am trying to learn how to use cam2cam capability on your asianbabes.com site," he wrote in an e-mail message to the site from his agency computer. "I do not seem to be able to do that."

So, did he get the help he needed or what? The NSF doesn't want you to know the truth! If you worked at the National Science Foundation you'd probably be bored at work too, so why doesn't the government just back off? [NYT. Pic: Flickr]

Now instead of whiling away their "golden" years in a recliner, knitting, while cat hair piles up around them to the point of engulfment, old people are finding that they have no money, so they have to set out to compete with teenagers for shitty minimum wage jobs and—if they're lucky—become that old lady working at Burger King who is obviously deaf and enragingly slow but so heartbreaking by her very presence that you could never bring yourself to complain. Would you like to hear some horrible, sad stories?

Mr. Dase had been working at a local Veterans of Foreign Wars club as a bartender. But he had to leave in August because it required too much standing. He looked for other jobs, applying at Big Lot stores, but he never heard back. "Who is going to hire an 81-year-old man?" he asks.

Oh please Big Lots just fucking hire him.

Ms. Bennett, the laid-off machinist, had worked steadily since she entered a dress factory at the age of 17, taking time off only for the births of her seven children and a quintuple-bypass surgery in 1995...
Her children, including her oldest, who is retired, want her to retire. "I don't have the money to do that," Ms. Bennett says. "I couldn't plan for retirement because I was raising seven children, and it just took all the money."

For the love of god please somebody just give her some money.

"I was waiting to see if [Mr. Hopkins, the blind owner of the failing coffee shop where she worked for 18 years] would call me back, and he hasn't," says [unemployed and indebted 76 year old with bad knees] Ms. Appleby. She lives modestly, with Timmy, a 13-year-old white spaniel mix, amid piles of papers, boxes and a lone black-and-white photo from her high-school graduation. "I was fine with Social Security and my job. I have to find other work."

Look I have like $45 in my pocket right now for you just don't ever tell us these stories again, Jesus. [WSJ. Pic: Flickr]

CareerBuilder has some "True Tales" from bosses about workers behaving badly. Here's one:

"Earlier this year, when I was senior vice president at my previous employer, two employees were having an interoffice romance. Their attempts to cover it up were ham-fisted at best. One afternoon, both employees were conspicuously missing from the office for an extended period of time. I was suspicious and began asking employees about their whereabouts. Suddenly, my mobile phone rang and a fellow [co-worker] reported them departing hand-in-hand from a cheap hotel (with no lobby or restaurant) two blocks from the office. We couldn't wait for them to get back." - Kevin A. Mercuri, president, Propheta Communications

Who's Kevin Mercuri?

[Previous 5WPR coverage here]

Several people have sent us this ad in the last 24 hours, and while we sincerely hope it's fake, we're just as sure that it very well could be real. Times are tough, bitches. "Wanted: Eager young man (or emotionally stable woman) to intern in an exceptionally fast-paced media office" for 30 hours per week (they even take women, BONUS!). The requirements:

1. A reasonable phone manner. Not saccharine, but not bitchy. Able to command the respect of whomever is on the line.
2. A reasonable understanding of correspondence. Do you end e-mails with "Sincerely" or frequently use the term "LOL"? Not here you don't.
3. A healthy disdain for "the average." We'll put it this way: Don't talk to us about *The Hills*. Ever.
4. A willingness to perform light childcare. Not every day, but as needed, and with aplomb.
5. A unique tolerance for pressure. Please, no tears. It's grating.
6. Experience with French - *Parisian* French.
7. A presentable appearance. What's a "hoodie"?
8. The ability to lift light weights. Never more than 20 pounds.
9. A breadth of cultural knowledge, from Koolhaas to Kant to Klimt.
10. An ability to take direction. Simple enough.

Ha, sounds fair. With aplomb! What's a hoodie? What's the Hills? Let's discuss the categorical imperative!

Pay for this position is a $10 daily stipend, invaluable experience and the occasional byline. Opportunity move up quickly (6-12 months) to a staff editor position.

This job demands confidence and assertiveness. To apply, please send us an email with a CV and a brief description of a scenario in which you were "truly the best." We can't overstate this point: Contact us ONLY if you fulfill the above requirements.

Oh. Shit. Someone please find out if this is real and let us know. Indentured servitude: it's back! [Craigslist]

• Personal trainers—this is already the default second career choice of former Wall Streeters. Why not learn yoga or Olympic lifting from a Lehman Bros. veteran? No good reason.
• Scores bouncers—bankers can't run up strip club tabs on the expense account any more. This is a good way for them to get their foot "back in the door," get it? Also a good choice for personal trainers!
• Bottle service waiters—who says overpriced bottle service in awful Manhattan nightspots is dead? Probably people who have not had bottle service sold to them by trained Merrill Lynch investment analysts.
• Squeegee men and women—the 'gritty' version of New York is making a comeback. Get in on the ground floor of this growth industry now!
• Fast-talking sellers of dubious 'get rich quick' ideas to financially unsophisticated marks—many bankers are already trained for this lucrative career path!

i work at sony music (formerly sonybmg) and they won't let us order water anymore, which i know has been a pretty common way for people to cut costs. it still sucks though. also they no longer are allowing overtime for most of the company and considering a lot of admin's have to work another job to survive on their salary, that pretty much sucks. and they're making everyone take a full hour lunch no matter what, which i think is just mean. yes, it's true that most people could benefit from a little time away from their desks, but considering that nobody is getting compensated for overtime, most people are working through lunch so that they don't have to stay late and not get paid. which means that they are claiming an hour lunch that they never even took. and although the music industry is suffering, and has been for years, ac/dc and britney spears are doing just fine thank you and if we can pay john mayer the 13 mil i just saw on an advance check the other day then perhaps the drones could get a break.

anyway, happy weekend! i'm already drinking my troubles away!!!

Be thankful that the gentle lords of Sony support your alcoholism. Pure charity!

I work for a small business of about 80 employees. Our cuts started with office supplies (no re-ordering paper clips, pens, or rubber bands. I was asked to bring in the rubber bands that come with my morning paper if I needed them. I don't get the morning paper). Then they cut staff a little and also stopped re-hiring for positions when someone moved on. Now they have announced that despite such bold measures, nothing worked so—haha, funny story—the business is closing and everyone is going to be out of a job. Oh, and today (at work) my boss asked me to edit and proofread his resume for him (on company time).

That is just kind of heartbreaking. Finally, Reed Business laid off 7% of its staff last week. How will they cut costs moving forward? All in together now!

From: Smith, Tad (RBI-US)
Sent: Mon 2/2/2009 10:14 AM
To: RBI-US All New York Users
Subject: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FOR NEW YORK OFFICE STAFF MEMBERS. . . .

No, we are not announcing a move to New Jersey. . . (although I confess to reviewing that option regularly).

However, in light of our lower staffing levels, a weak advertising environment, and tough cost pressure we are going to have to ask Carol Quinones to review our space needs and shrink our New York office space by at least one and probably two floors (certainly the 11th and likely also the 13th floors). Unfortunately, this will require tough sacrifices for all of us:

- there will be fewer offices

- office sizes will shrink

- conference rooms will be converted where possible

- book rooms and other storage will be relocated to another site or, if space allows, downstairs in this building

- consultant and guest offices and cubicles will be converted into "shared space offices" meaning that no permanent space will be provided to anyone who is not a full-time staff member

- public spaces will be reduced in size

I agree this message is a huge pain, but please rest assured we will do everything to make this move as comfortable as possible. Please do not complain to or make the lives of Carol and our tireless facilities staff miserable as a result of this news. You are welcome to pick up the phone and come see me at any time if you have a specific problem or issue with this.

By the way, I promise that Carol and I will do the minimum dislocation required to get this done and not a bit more. Finally, we plan to begin this process tomorrow and it will move swiftly. Carol will speak with local management teams starting today to plan it appropriately.

Thank you in advance for this,

Tad

Tad Smith
CEO
Reed Business Information

This will also save on heat, through the closeness of bodies. A corporate masterstroke! Please send more tales of woe.

I work for a large university with about 10,000 employees. For several years we have had a Staff Appreciation Day (SAD) featuring free pizza, drawings for donated prizes and all the corporate-branded post-it notes you could want. This year the university administration decided they could no longer afford SAD, so they farmed it out...to the staff. Now the staff have to put on their own appreciation day. Pizza no longer included.
Additionally, two years ago I received a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup as a "Christmas bonus." This year, nothin'.

Reese's is a premium brand!

Although I'm not employed, I overheard today a conversation at the Harvard Music building. We apparently lost so many dollars of the endowment that the school is holding meetings about cutting costs. They are encouraging the staff to scan everything instead of photocopying and using skype to make phone calls. The bathrooms have all been noticeable labelled with "dark is sexier" stickers.

Light is a luxury!

Our formerly booming agency has been shrinking for the past several months and we have many empty desks. Now, instead of hiring an external IT consultant to come in and fix our computers, it has been suggested that we just move to an empty desk and use the computer there. Hopefully our supply of empty desks with still functioning computers lasts us through the New Depression.

Complaining while you still enjoy desks? Unconscionable.

My firm no longer stocks napkins in the kitchen. We've also downsized from the tiny plastic straws to stir coffee to little splinters of wood. However, I walked in the kitchen the other day to get my horrendous Flavia coffee, and in addition to the Flavia machine there was a brand new Lavazza Blue espresso machine. I wonder how many napkins we traded for that.

Clean up with your clothes! They are now rags, anyhow.

I am a physician at University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics, the largest hospital—and one of the largest employers—in the state. Last week the hospital administration sent us a memo explaining that they will no longer provide janitorial services to empty the trash, and all physicians will now have to empty our office trashcans into one central location. While there's nothing wrong with being a janitor, if we'd wanted to choose that career path we wouldn't have spent 200k attending medical school. Seriously—taking out trash from a HOSPITAL, without any safety training or protective equipment? That's just gross.

You doctors can use the hand-eye coordination practice! The following is a real internal Harper's Bazaar memo:

Thank you to everyone for your cost savings suggestions. We have already begun to implement many of them. Please note the following new practices/procedures:

1. WWD—As soon as our current WWD subscriptions expire (early 2009) we will reduce the number of subscriptions to three. Each department (Fashion/Beauty, Features, Glenda’s office) will receive one copy which will be shared with everyone in their group.

2. Magazine subs/purchases—No magazine subscription will be renewed.. No one is authorized to purchase a magazine from the newsstand. —- will purchase one magazine each month from the newsstand (to ensure timely access) of every title that we need. These magazines will be kept in a library for you to check out (and return!) when you need them.

3. Messengers—There needs to be a 20% reduction in the use of messengers. Vendors need to send and pick up product. In the event this is not possible (a rare occurrence), please use your interns to do Manhattan runs (using the subway). If you don’t have an intern please check with —- who will look into finding you one for this purpose.

4. Daily Priorities—Distributed via email. Please do not print them out as that would clearly defeat the purpose!

5. Cars—It is company policy to use taxis (subways during the day) instead of the company car service when traveling in Manhattan. Please ensure that this is the case as written explanation for company car use will now be required.

6. Overtime—Five hour per week maximum will be enforced. If work cannot get done within these limits, please use your overtime ineligible staff to achieve these functions.

7. Free art—Increase the use of jpgs instead of shooting product.

8. Color copies—I’m not clear why we are still having this problem after the dozens of emails Nancy and I have sent out about this, but people are still making unnecessary color copies when a black and white copy will do. We pay a lot of money for the special paper and toners required for color copying/printing so this practice must be stopped immediately. The system of color copying product as a means of documenting receipt should have already been stopped—please make sure you are using the digital cameras we’ve purchased for this purpose.

Thanks again for your help, especially during these challenging times. And please do keep those ideas coming! —

Aren't you glad you made all those suggestions? Finally, the hard times are even sending the bosses over the edge:

In addition to getting rid of our water supply — we now have to drink nyc tap water out of a very old faucet that seems to..flavor the water some form of lemon — the president of this finance-related company that I work at sent out this cheery email recently. It was the first we knew of his concern about dish washing, so it seemed extra...violent. Plus, we wish we could make the inference that our company is doing fine despite the recession if our Leader is worried about dishes. Sigh. And then there's the subject line: did he forget to type 'Here' at the end, or was this an attempt at a yo-momma joke?

Continue to send your tales of despair here.