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New York, 10:20 AM
Thu Dec 17
60 posts in the last 24 hours
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12/16/09
12/16/09
I mean, he's not a douche because he orchestrated a war we didn't need, civil rights violations against Americans and non-Americans alike, and promoted corrupt private contracting policies that exported war merchants to the Middle East at the expense of the safety of our real Army.
He's a douche because he did all of that while being a smirky condescending douche.
He is the Tiger Woods of douche, and that says a lot because Tiger Woods is a pretty big douche himself.
If his douchyness were a chocolate cake, it would be the most delicious and moist chocolate cake in the world.
If Dick Cheney's douchyness could play guitar, it would be Jimi Hendrix playing the Star Spangled Banner.
Dick Cheney's douche is so douchy it could flush out every vagina on the planet, human and non-human.
The only time Dick Cheney didn't come of as General Douche McDoucheybottoms was when Rush Limbaugh was licking Dick Cheney's balls and going all they way down the shaft and swallowing on the teevee.
And though Rush Limbaugh is a douche, Dick Cheney's douche could out-douche Rush Limbaugh's douche and still have enough douche left over to waterboard 1,000 Arabs . . . with douche.
DOOSH!
12/16/09
The way I see it, douchery implies a certain sense of overinflated self-importance that is at odds with reality.
You can't make the case that the half-penguin, half-cyborg, half-Darth Vader (I realize that doesn't add up but roll with me) was merely self-important..
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Most importantly, he has almost single-handedly convinced legions of skinny white hairless young men that they look good in v-neck tee-shirts.
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12/16/09
I haven't heard of most of the people on this list -- or hadn't until I started reading Gawker. But, aaaanyway...
Carrie Prejean? A douche for sure, but still, her impact's pretty much confined to the cheap laffs value. I'm amazed that Liberals waste so much goddamn' time being bent out of shape over that little plastic skank. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she ended up as Sarah Palin's running mate in 2012. Oh, yeeaaaahhhh! Palin/Prejean in '12!
Of the people I've heard of on this list, Tucker Max is a pretty strong contender. I read I Hope They Serve Beer In Heaven while slobbing out on the beach in Mexico last March; it was pretty forgettable -- one of the books I took back to the book-trade shelf at the apartment house I was staying -- although I found it hilarious, in the same way I find America's Funniest Home Videos footage of teenagers falling and crushing their nuts while trying to ride their skateboards down stairway handrails hilarious. But, still...
Bill O'Reilly is certainly right there at the top because... well, because he's Bill O'Reilly, a longtime stalwart in the annals of douchedom. Still, in terms of sheer impact on policies that directly affect our lives, I'm leaning strongly towards...
Tom Friedman, because I can't think of a columnist or pundit anywhere who could say or write anything as bone-cold st00pid as he does and still be employed by a major American newspaper.
So, edging out strong competition, my vote goes to Tom Friedman, shameless corporate globalist shill and fellow moustache-wearer -- although his Moustache-Fu is much stronger than mine.
(Hey, waitaminnit, where's Mark Zuckerberg?)
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Also, Gabe approached me once about posting the magical retard columns up on the front page every once in a while. Would anyone actually be interested in that?
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I may have to write a Magical Retard Holiday special on how the Douche Bubble is inflating, and how its inflation is flattening the world of technology.
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12/16/09
Ahhh.. a new douche on the block!
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He definitely comes across as an atrocious pig and fabricator of cacophilic bullshit (that's not redundant in his case, BTW) but I expected him to be, I don't know--worse. His writing is lame, but he's not a cretin. Nor does he possess the intellectual sophistication or villainy of a real misogynist. So I'm forced to rescind my vote because he didn't live up to my Gawker-built expectations.
O'Reilly doesn't need my help, since he's already pulling ahead; I actually don't think Thomas Friedman is a douche by any stretch; Francis is disturbingly evil so he transcends douchery, and I'm not that invested in most of the rest. I'm going with Dov Charney via process of elimination. Crank the douche up to 11, Dov, and don't make me regret my choice.
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