Whenever the New York Times writes equations with words, I always tend to over-think the answer. Like this Styles Section lede:

By now, most high school dress codes have just about done away with the guesswork. Girls: no midriff-baring blouses, stiletto heels, miniskirts. Boys: no sagging pants, muscle shirts. But do the math.

"Rules" + "teenager" = "challenges."

I checked in the back of the book and that's not exactly the answer, but Jan Hoffman's story in today's Times does come pretty close! It looks at teenagers who—for any multitude of reasons including sexual identity and the simple sartorial—can't wear exactly what they want to school because The Man's coming down on them. Why? Because Jimmy looks better in that shade of rouge than Jimmy's teacher does.

"It's hard enough to get kids to concentrate on an algorithm - even without Jimmy sitting there in lipstick and fake eyelashes," said Kay Hymowitz, a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute.

Okay, not just that. Issues of girls having wanting to wear tuxedos in their Senior Portraits are studied, progressive parents who try to help people understand and assist the cause of their kids' expression are discussed, and even, yes, emo (or "emo") kids get the once-over:

In recent years, "emo" style has moved from punk fringe almost to pop mainstream, with boys wearing heavy eyeliner, body-hugging T-shirts and floppy hair dyed black, to emulate singers like Adam Lambert and Pete Wentz. "The emo kids get a lot of grief," said Marty Hulsey, a guidance counselor at a school near Auburn, Ala. "Even teachers say things and I had to stop it. One child came to me who was an emo kid and said he was accused of being gay but that he had a girlfriend."

The only consolation that kid has, besides his counselor telling him he's fine, and to go off, wearing his clothing, is that (A) Pete Wentz still has to deal with the same thing and (B) this has been going on in smaller numbers without an acceptance movement for the last 15 years. What's the teacher do after that, though?

But really, this is a pretty solid Styles story that covers most bases, and doesn't attempt easy answers. After all, the "self-expression needs to be limited to what doesn't distract other students" party line will only carry this issue so far. Kids are assholes, and everything distracts them, but can you enforce tolerance? Then again, what do you do about this?

...Safety is a critical concern. In February 2008, Lawrence King, an eighth-grader from Oxnard, Calif., who occasionally wore high-heeled boots and makeup, was shot to death in class by another student.

The only point Hoffman failed to touch upon—and really, this isn't for most Times stories, anyway—is that most people don't look back on high school and see the best days of their life. Being a teenager absolutely sucks, often. How can parents answer for that kind of thing?

And teenagers are going to be insane hormonal assholes who also happen to be in their own coming-of-age stories no matter what, is the issue. Blurry lines between rebellion, expression, and the ability to shape positive character can't be restricted by doing away with Fall Out Boy and installing dress codes, can it?

Probably not, but Fall Out Boy? Really? Eh. The kids, they're never understood. They probably never will be. In other news, good luck with your child rearing.

America's current reigning Junior Miss touts the pageant-cum-scholarship program. "It's awesome," Michelle Rodgers tells awestruck fans.

Cum scholarship? No wonder our tweens are in trouble! Hahaha.
You can't beat the media.

[The full story in the Washington Post is actually very good. Pic: Flickr]

Did you know that Vice has its own ad agency, called Virtue? Do you get it? This is not just some ad sales team for the magazine and the website; they run ad campaigns for outside clients. But the twist is, they get people on the Vice editorial team, "who presumably are a microcosm of clients' target market," to help them do it! Vice is outside the whole paradigm of "sellout," you see:

Mr. Smith, meanwhile, said that although Vice editorial staff members are consulted about marketing and advertising campaigns, the editorial content in the magazine remains independent.

Uh. Mr. Smith then said that although he just did seven whippets, his capacity for logic remains unaffected.

I mean, it's almost like Vice, for all its counterculture mouth-noise, is just a corporate tool!
[NYT]

Voicemail is the old thing you push your phone buttons for to hear old voices from old people who leave you old messages about old things. Not very effective in your fast-paced youth lifestyle, is it? Well if you feel this way, join the big youthful club, okay. A Times freelancer has tracked down a bunch of people who share this opinion—probably by using fast-paced youth-friendly internet technology!

"If you left a message, I have to dial in, dial in my code," Ms. Cheong said. "Then I mess up and redial. Then once I hear the message, I need the phone number. I try to write it down, and then I have to rewind the message to hear it again," she added, feigning exhaustion.

I feel the same way! It seems that I'm not alone—everyone in my generation hates voices and loves "text," because we have seen our souls melted into goop and our entire selves transformed into antisocial swamp creatures by the internet's deadening glow. And I thought I was all alone. Thanks, fake NYT trend story of the week! Txt me! [NYT]

We're forced to admit that they are. Also, the capitalist pigs on the opposite side of the protesters are putting their meek, chastened American counterparts to shame, by telling the protesters to fuck off:

City workers waved £10 notes at G20 protesters today as thousands descended on London's financial heartland.

Bankers leaning out of office windows taunted demonstrators on the streets below, who responded with jeers and shouts.

Ha ha! See, the two sides of a protest feed off of each other, so this taunting by the rich just makes the anarchohippies more awesome. Already huge crowds have been 'CLASHING' with riot police, shooting paintballs, and hurling fruit, which gives the whole thing a pleasant "Public shaming in the town square, 1745" vibe. Police helicopters are hovering overhead while smoke wafts through the streets, packed with bandanna-clad punks ready to break shit. Or better:

This morning a group [of protesters], caught with police uniforms, drove a riot truck or armored car through the city.

This is the level of commitment that turns street protests from boring retreads of laughable kids playing anarchist and chanting "Si se puede!" into truly entertaining affairs. They have jeering bankers hurling money out windows and tomato-slinging angry unemployed workers stealing armored cars; we have AIG employees scared to wear logo-ed golf shirts, and NYU food court revolutionaries demanding the right to a vegan lunch.

Let's get our act together, America. We can hate each other in a much more professional fashion. Yes we can! [Pic: Getty]

The *average* person spends 8.5 hours a day in front of some sort of media screen. That's more than the average person sleeps! An hour of that, one full hour, every single day, is ads. And 99% of our video-watching is on TV. Fuck you, Tube! Demographically, we're all drooling brainwashed playthings in our own special ways:

The data shows that 18-to-24-year-olds - generally college students and new entrants into the work force - watch the smallest amount of live TV of any age group (three and a half hours a day), spend the most time text messaging (29 minutes a day) and watch the most online video (5.5 minutes a day).

Slightly older viewers, those ages 25 to 34, spend the most time of any group watching DVD or VCR videos. People ages 35 to 44 spend more time on the Web than other groups, 74 minutes a day on average. The next demographic, 45 to 54 years old, spends the most time on e-mail. Consumers over the age of 65 watch the most live TV, according to the research.

And meanwhile, who's overtaking us in double dutch? The Japanese. [NYT]

People screwed by NYC, in other words. The book, which he hopes to finish in a year, "will follow a group of 20-somethings as they try to make their lives in a city that doesn't work the way it once did."

"For me, what the recession for young working people reminds me of is HIV in the early 90s, when my generation of gay men decided there wasn't much of a future," Mr. Sicha said. "I feel like I hear from people now, and they're like, 'fuck tomorrow!' Which seems completely reasonable to me. And whether that's based on a real understanding of the economy or on what we're getting through the filter of the media, it doesn't matter– it's a completely appropriate response to the moment we're in."

So Choire will be writing the definitive account of broke ass modern New York (and he needs four subjects: fameballs, email him immediately!). Along with the whisperwhisperwhisper alleged secret project with Balk that we cannot stop hearing about these days, this will keep him busy until the recession blows over. Fancy! He tells us, "It was either this or start some stupid new blog for Nick Denton!"

Choire Sicha has always been the smart one. [NYO. Pic: Flickr]

The Observer today profiles the sad lives and shattered dreams of the NBC pages, who were told that being an NBC page would start you right up the ladder to the Life of Tina Fey, when in fact, these days, it amounts to a bottom-level tour guide job with unlivable pay and far fewer prospects for advancement than ever before. Welcome to the media's recession years.

The combination of factors took a toll on morale. Some pages bristled at a series of disciplinary crackdowns. According to one source, pages were regularly asked to keep an eye on their colleagues for possible infractions. "It's a culture of fear," said the former page.

Those who gave voice to the grievances felt they risked being blacklisted. "You've devoted a year of your life to doing it," said another former page. "You're so expendable that you really can't complain about anything. If you voice feedback that's remotely negative, you don't get recommended for jobs."

Wow, television is even worse than print. Which is not so fantastic itself! Unpaid internships are still around, but where is the payoff? Where is that entry level gig with real promise of advancement? It's been "given away to a nice farm family," that's where. Just getting out of school and dreaming of a fancy magazine job? Instead, why not put that dream on the shelf, in a jar, and show it off as a curio at parties to your friends, who are also drug dealers?

Once upon a time New York Times execs were all former copy boys, New Yorker fact checkers could move up to staff writers, and if you were the assistant to the editor, you were almost guaranteed a decent gig after your indentured servitude.

Now you are not. Budgets are cut. Jobs dry up. Old timers hold onto theirs at the expense of yours. All you have to offer is your cheap, cheap price tag.

There's no real comfort to be offered. Just ride out the bad years, sell your drugs, and bide your time until all the ad money comes flowing back in (6.5 years). At least you're no longer in danger of becoming the pooping intern.

Jo Jensen will save the GOP with arena rock!


Christopher Hall PROVES that voting for Barack Obama causes murder. He's also from Georgia. HIRE HIM.

Heather Kydd knows the key to building a broad-based diverse coalition to transform the Republican party for the 21st century: White Nevadans.

Patrick Maloney is standing before a bust of Lincoln and a painting of Lincoln. Let him help the GOP save Lincoln from Obama comparisons!


Adam J. Schmidt wears an American flag lapel pin.

His friend John O'Keefe, 23, another conservative think-tank intern who might be out of a job after his internship ends in May, dismisses his liberal contemporaries. "The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation."

Now actually that one is totally accurate. As is this one, in some sense!:

"Because I am in this generation and was raised in a pro-gay-marriage era, I am only a little bit against gay marriage, but only a little, like 53 percent to 47," he says. "I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, and they would all back me up. In college, I used to have lunch with them. . . . We went ice skating once."

Ha, sure! Anyhow young Republicans are depressed because they have lost real jobs including "a 'confidential assistant' in the White House's drug policy office" and "a Republican Party victory director' with McCain's campaign," but at least they'll always have the ice skating, as a memory, which is worth more than gold. [WP]

Estelle is now an employee of the Kraft corporation, so she dropped her latest song in honor of Crystal Light, a tasty beverage whose brand she embodies. No surprise, since "MARKETERS are increasingly becoming the Medicis of music," so why doesn't everyone just give up?

"We believe branded entertainment needs to be developed from the brand up rather than from the entertainment down," said Doug Scott, president at Ogilvy Entertainment [which struck the Estelle-Kraft deal].

In other words, the content must "connect with the target audience," he added, which must also perceive the content as "authentic to the brand."

Musicians' job now is simply to create tunes that might catch the ear of marketing agency executives looking for psychological buttons to push amongst their target audience. Singers and rappers looking for inspiration can now choose between Wrigley, Smirnoff, or, if you're really "out there," Crystal Light. But hey, it's just a way for artists to get money so they can get their real music exposure! No, look again; this is their real music. The rest is just to get them popular enough to be signed by Kraft. Sing that soulful ad jingle, edgy young musicians. That's all that's left.

You might as well have been a jock. Music sucks. [NYT]

"The study measured the number of fast-food ads kids watched and found a fast-food TV-ad ban for children's programming would reduce the number of overweight children aged 3 to 11 by 18%, and for adolescents (12- to 18-year-olds) by 14%."

You could expect McDonald's et al. to pull out the real big guns to fight any sort of proposed law that would legally restrict their marketing. It's un-American! Yes it is, but the smart countries have done it:

Sweden and Norway instituted bans on all ads to children in the early 1990s, but the legislation sought to avoid exploitation rather than prevent obesity. Quebec has banned food advertising to children during programs geared toward kids, and the Canadian province has shown lower childhood obesity rates than surrounding areas.

The Scandinavians really are our superiors. [Ad Age]

“It’s not like I’m Tom Cruise or Usher walking down the street or anything like that, but it’s gotten to the point where you have to look your best when you go out,” [Pro gamer Tom] Taylor said. “I carry a Sharpie around, like Peyton Manning.”

And now, also like Peyton Manning, he's a ubiquitous face urging us to purchase more consumer products! There is in fact a "Major League Gaming" league for pro video game players. Weird.

“What’s really going on here is for tens of millions of young men, the aspiration to be a pro gamer is the new dream of sports stardom,” he said.

[Outraged reference to how such a thing did not exist when I was playing Nintendo]. The stunning implication here: in the near future, athletes could become nerds. Computer geeks: prepare for payback. [NYT; pic via]

"But young workers are replacing traditional business dress with their own complex sets of rules and subliminal messages. Their choices among brand-name items are meant to communicate substance. Rather than Gucci versus Allen Edmonds, for instance, the choice may involve Nike Air Force versus Chuck Taylors. (Read: urban vs. surfer.)"

Is it really necessary to go into detail about everything wrong with that paragraph, or should we just say "I'm surprised to learn that only 'surfers' wear Chuck Taylors!" and leave the rest unsaid?

Sadly, the cluelessness of the writer is only one of this trend piece's three dimensions of shame. Second, of course, is the sheer awfulness of the members of our generation represented therein. There's the 22-year-old CEO of an internet start-up who declines to wear the two $900 suits his parents bought him (but didn't stop them from buying them). But he's just young and dumb. He's not as bad as this motherfucker:

"You know when someone's real and when someone's corporate," says Roman Tsunder, 34. As chief executive of Access 360 Media Inc., a youth-market consultant based in New York and Los Angeles, his clients include MTV and AT&T.

Logic.

For a recent meeting with MTV, Mr. Tsunder wore silver Nike Air Force athletic shoes and a white collared shirt under a mint green V-necked sweater "because it's youthful." With a more conservative client, he says, he'll wear something more "aggressive," such as "a collared shirt that I found in the south of France."

That is aggressive. The final and most shameful thing of all: we're all guilty of this shit. (The brand whoring, not the subculture misidentification of the elderly). Or you are, probably. I wear Adidas. I keep it real. [WSJ; Pic via Yourscenesucks]

Obama said such laws were "a waste of time," but didn't hold back on his own view on the fad.

"Having said that, brothers should pull up their pants," he declared. "You are walking by your mother, your grandmother, your underwear is showing. What's wrong with that? Come on."

"Some people might not want to see your underwear - I'm one of them," he added.

If anybody who actually wears baggy pants heard this from any other presidential candidate in history, their reaction would be, quote, "Whatever." But Obama may finally be able to make some real headway in our nation's deadlock over just how much sag is allowable amongst our youth. Having Obama say this is kind of the equivalent of having Bill Cosby say it to Theo's friends 20 years ago: He's not an old dude who's trying to be down, he's just an older dude who's naturally cool and who demands your respect because of that. Therefore you just may see some cats pulling up their jeans for Obama.

He also said Sway's dreads "looked tight," which is just one more reason he is the coolest politician everrrrr. [NYP; Pic via Guanabee]

It all began last week, when Ivanka, daughter of The Donald and main squeeze of The Jared Kushner, informed the public via some blog that she would soon be setting up a "lunch trade" to revitalize your boring existence:

I am constantly on the go and often feel guilty about trading lunch for a business appointment and eating the same boring food day after day. But, I found a solution that is going to positively impact everyone’s office lunch—forever changing the way people like us think about our mid-day meal options.

"People like us" meaning you, Ivanka's peers, the little people! You probably felt the anticipation in your own office last week:

I am really excited about next week and hear there is buzz in break rooms across the country with employees hopeful that their corporations will be among the first to introduce a Lunch Trade.

Oh, the buzz was palpable. Turns out this was all a "stunt" to promote ConAgra's new Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers. But that doesn't mean Ivanka doesn't really care about you!

“We wanted somebody who would appeal to a younger office worker who’s technology-savvy,” said Michael Locascio, vice president at ConAgra. “We wanted someone they could identify with, someone they knew, but also not somebody that was on the front of every tabloid.”

Ha, yes. During lunch today you can read the (appropriately) pissiest NYT story in some time, all about this stunt. Do lunch the Ivanka way: with frozen ConAgra products! [NYT]

The totally tubular new series is called Engine Room, and is thoughtfully sponsored by HP itself. It follows in the footsteps of classic HP-sponsored MTV branded entertainment video series like Meet or Delete and Dorm Storm. Remember those? Yea!

HP is seriously spending "tens of millions of dollars" on this show. Try to ignore this focus-grouped lineup!:

The teams of contestants are divided by the regions they come from: Asia-Pacific, Europe, Latin America and North America. They are visited during the competition by guests like the musician Moby; Kevin Smith, the movie director; and the British pop band the Ting Tings.

The digital creations of the teams were judged by a diverse panel that included musicians, filmmakers, museum curators, a physicist, a tattoo artist, critics and Pete Connolly, an art director from Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, the Hewlett-Packard creative agency.

Ha, a tattoo artist and a physicist? What will they think of next? I guess this is why my new main man David Roman, the slammin VP of worldwide marketing communications at HP's personal systems group, told the Times, “We don’t want it to be advertising; we want it to be real."

Mind. Blown. The youth is your homeboy, HP.

[NYT]

FreeCreditReport.com is run by Experian, and it actually signs you up for a $14.95 per month fee when it gives you your report. Making this even worse is the fact that we're all legally entitled to a free credit report from the company every year, via AnnualCreditReport.com. But Experian's site is incredibly successful, because we are all suckers for a catchy ad tune.

“It absolutely is the free credit report,” [an Experian exec] said. “It’s not the one by the government, which is why we put the link on our front page of the landing site, and it is a free report. It’s really a test drive for people to understand what’s in that report because a report can be very complex.”

One key step to understanding your credit report: knowing where those mysterious $14.95 per month charges are coming from. Three of the company's ads are in the clip below.

[NYT]