Not long ago, a blue-shirted villain casually strolled into Tina Fey's office, stole her laptop of "unfinished jokes," and walked right out. But then she made that whole ordeal into a joke. Good job making lemonade, lady.

The Cannes Film Festival, where movie stars get to prance joyfully along the French Riviera, will have a little less glimmer this year, after thieves stole more than a million dollars worth of jewelry that was to be worn by celebrities.

After a long day, John Saunders, 62, would kick back, reach into the wall, and pull out a bottle of 100-year-old whiskey. Saunders, who rented a basement apartment in a large mansion in western Pennsylvania, had stumbled upon a massive stash of pre-prohibition era whiskey.

A crime wave is spreading through rural areas in parts of central Africa. The stolen property? Penises.

Outspoken sonic collagist/"Paper Planes" sing-songer/truffle fries enthusiast M.I.A. is alleging that the Grammys ripped off a recent stage set of hers. On Twitter, she proclaimed, "IM KEEPING A STEAL LOG THIS YEAR HERE THE ONE FOR JAN / FEB >MIA $500 : GRAMMYS $5000000."

Women. Always putting make-up on their face skin and designer sunglasses in their purses without paying for them. And no one is better at (allegedly) combining the two than Sarah Jessica Parker's personal makeup artist Leslie Lopez.

Because someone will sue you, and you'll be forced to pay it.

If you run a convenience store, and someone purchases a winning scratch-off lottery ticket worth $5 million, and you decide that you want to steal it, it seems downright greedy, even in the context of a ripoff, to do this:

Oh, dear: it looks like vomiting Canadian pop star Justin Bieber had some "personal footage" stolen by unknown thieves. What kind of footage would that be, hmm?

Over the summer, ten pieces of Cartier jewelry were stolen from the NYC brownstone of professional actress and redhead Julianne Moore. The items were valued at $127,000. No arrests have been made. Luckily, the New York Times' on the scene reporter has rounded up a few suspects.

Welp, Canada fucked up again.

Criminal mastermind Lindsay Lohan is now officially a suspect in the theft of $100,000 worth of watches and glasses.

A young man was arrested and charged with larceny outside Detroit Tuesday after he attended a party thrown by the teenaged daughter of Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Bob Seger, whose work you recognize from Tom Cruise's underwear.

Remember that awesome tyrannosaur skeleton you made all those great plans for last week? It was sold this weekend for over $1 million to an anonymous bidder (you?). Also, the president of Mongolia is claiming it was stolen.

Beats by Dre headphones are reportedly a popular target for thieves and muggers in New York City today. How can you avoid becoming a victim?

A nanny in Northbrook, an affluent Chicago suburb, was arrested last week after she stole $600 from the wallets of the kids she was watching. According to a police report, the children's father confronted Alexandra Donohue, 22, after noticing the money was missing. She initially denied taking the money, but later…

AT&T, Verizon, Sprint, and T-Mobile are teaming up with the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to make it harder for thieves to use stolen phones, since you seem hell-bent on accidentally leaving yours everywhere.

Horrible thieves with hearts two sizes too small stole a 2-foot bronze statue of Dr. Seuss' Lorax character from the La Jolla home of the author's ninety-year-old widow last weekend.