1. Rachel Uchitel, The Original. Status: Previously talking. Now quiet.
2. Jamie Grubbs, The Tool Academy Alumni. Status: Talking.
3. Kalika Moquin. The One Who Won't Rat. Status: Quiet.
4. Jamie Jungers, The Fan's Fiancee. Status: Talking.
5. Cori Rist. The "Butter" Lover. Status: Quiet.
6. Mindy Lawton. The "Rag Doll" Neighbor. Status: Talking.
7. The Unnamed British TV Host. Status: Unknown.
8. The Unnamed Fourth Vegas Vixen. Status: Unknown.

Tiger Woods, you've got eight problems the rest of us don't. At least, it looks like eight. For now.

1. Rachel Uchitel, The Original.
2. Jamie Grubbs, The Tool Academy Alumni.
3. Kalika Moquin. The One Who Won't Rat.
4. Jamie Jungers, The Fan's Fiancee.
5. Cori Rist. The "Butter" Lover.
6. Mindy Lawton. The "Rag Doll" Neighbor.
7. The Unnamed British TV Host.
8. The Unnamed Fourth Vegas Vixen.

It's really that difficult to keep track of the women Tiger Woods has managed to sleep with. I have no idea how he did it. I can't wait until we find out he staffed this kind of thing out. Same with his wife, and the people who're busy at least trying—however successfully, or not—to pay these women to keep quiet. As for Tiger, it's hard not to wonder how he's doing right now. Did he bring this upon himself? Sure. But, you know, the guy was clean as a bleached sink. And now, this is just more irrefutable proof that, come on, nobody is. Also, he liked to get laid. A lot. By many different women. That weren't his wife. So! Golf's going to have to deal with it and who knows how they'll do it because, you know, it's golf, they don't get scandals. They have racist assholes. That's it. But now, they've got trouble. The reputation of professional golf was always at the mercy of Tiger's balls, but it now appears to be the case more than ever. And it goes without saying, but Tiger is having the worst month of his life. So: let's tally this one up.

Mistress #1: Rachel Uchitel, The Original. Widow, VIP Hostess. Getting Paid Off. Rachel Uchitel, the first woman to be outed as a mistress of Tiger Woods' hasn't had a good week. Uchitel was an investment banker through 2001, but became a VIP nightlife hostess a few years later after her husband, Andy O'Grady, was killed in the attack on the Twin Towers. It was in her career as a hostess that she met Woods through. Today, the family of her ex-husband told the New York Post that she wasn't the same woman their son married. Also, they're dredging up her family history, and it's not pretty: drug abuse, neglect, etc. Uchitel was going to hold a press conference, which was canceled, probably because a check is being drawn up with her name on the left and a few zeroes somewhere to the right of it. The number's been guessed to be somewhere in the range of $1 to $3M, and if you get it right, you get the satisfaction of being able to correctly guess how much money one of Tiger Woods' mistresses is being paid to be quiet.

Mistress #2: Jamie "Grub Street" Grubbs, The Tool Academy Alumni. Wants TV Money. Semi-Nude Pictures. Waitress. Grubbs was, yes, on VH1's Tool Academy at one point. She came out after Uchitel, noting that she had texts and a message from Tiger to expect a call from his wife. Semi-nude pictures are out there. She wants to be on TV, obviously. She's being repped by a PR agency right now. She said her and Tiger had sex over 20 times. She gave up some of her messages, which included charmers like

"I will wear you out…when was the last time you got (bleeped)?"

Presumably that "bleeped" meant "fucked," unless Tiger was talking about his insane ability to "lunch" someone "harder than they've ever been (lunched) before." Anyway.

Mistress #3: Kalika "Who?" Moquin. VIP Nightlife marketing manager. The One Who Won't Rat. Nobody really knows anything about Kalika Moquin's relationship because she's not really talking to anyone about it. She was quoted by Life & Style: "It's not appropriate for me to comment one way or the other. At this time, I'm just choosing to focus on my job." That said, she's pretty popular in Vegas among nightlife circles. The most interesting details that are emerging from what little we know about Moquin's story is that Tiger often expressed his discontent with his home life to her. Here, be her MySpace friend. From an interview with Moquin:

What do you think are the most important elements a nightclub should have to help ensure it's customers get their money's worth? KM: Customer service...I think today people choose the club they want to go to based on where they feel most comfortable. People want to walk into a club and be treated like a rock star. When you know a customer by name and offer them amazing service they will remember that and return again and again.

Mistress #4, Jamie Jungers, The Fan's Fiancee. The Two Year Itch. The Second Jamie. Vegas "Model." Storyseller. Jamie Jungers claims to have had a two-year affair with Tiger Woods. Jamie's either really, really smart or really, really stupid because she's had the least problems throwing her hands up in the air and taking whatever money for her story will come her way, which in this case, turned out to be the UK's Sunday Mirror. Jamie was partying in Vegas—at this point: obviously—when Tiger sent over a VIP rep over for her. Lo and beyhold, Tiger closed the deal. They went back to his hotel room for "passionate sex." And her fiancee was a huge fan, and she basically threw it in his face without telling him. Gross:

Jamie herself was ­cheating on her fiancé, ­businessman Derek Schmidt. Derek, 28, a golf fan who used to idolise Woods, said: "I was a massive Tiger fan. I had Tiger Woods memorabilia all over my house and even collected Tiger Woods videos. "On the night Jamie met him for the first time, I had just bought the new Tiger Woods computer game. The following morning she told me she had met Tiger Woods and he gave her his number – and like an idiot I got really excited about it.

Well, naturally, they split up. Tiger's affair with Jungers carried on. And then, this happened.

Mistress #5: Cori Rist. The "Butter" Lover. According to a three-byline report from the New York Daily News (led by one half of Boris and Natasha-esque NYDN gossip team Rush & Molloy, George Rush), Tiger Woods met Cori Rist at a celebrity-frequented Manhattan club, the infamous Butter. They also do a decent Restaurant Week special. As the story goes, Woods and Rist met last year and have been hooking up since. Woods would book large hotel suites to have his Rist Trysts in, as well as the adjacent room, so Rist wouldn't be seen going into his room. Rist has thus far declined to comment.

Mistress #6: Mindy "Rag Doll" Lawton. The Perkins Waitress. The One He Did In The Church Parking Lot. The Literal Homewrecker. Lawton already spoke to British rag News of the World, and you can watch her tell her story here. She met Tiger-style when he'd come after golf with his posse at a Perkins. You ever been to a Perkins? It's a long way from Butter (see: Mistress #5). Tiger used to order egg-white omlettes and eventually he ordered a side of Crazy Tail, Yo when he invited her to a local lounge called The Blue Martini, and got it: in a church parking lot, in the shower, in the living room, wherever, but yeah: in the house he shared with his preggers wife. She talked about how great the sex was, how she looked like a "rag doll" when they were finished. Bang bang, people:

"He wanted to spank me and loved pulling my hair as we had sex. He also liked me to talk dirty to him, but hair-pulling was what really turned him on."

Also, he enjoyed it when she wore red panties because that was his mom's favorite color (?!) and, uh, yeah: he met her at Perkins. This is like the golf-themed porno version of It Could Happen To You.

The Other Three. Yeah, three more. One woman in a life is more than enough for most guys. Tiger obviously has different needs. Maybe there really is something about putting balls in holes all day and fishing them out of traps and accidentally getting them wet, and having someone carry around the bag of long rods you use to hit the balls into the holes with hard slams or quiet taps while you control your breathing, arch your back a certain way, and try not to get anything in your line of vision. Like the sun. Or your wife, as the case may be. Yeah, three more. There's a British TV host, and two others:

A SEX-HUNGRY "cougar" - US slang for a maneating older women - in her 40s. He and the wealthy single mum met in a Florida bar - and would romp in his office. A "TRAILER TRASH" neighbour in his hometown of Orlando. Two PARTY GIRLS he met up with on nights out in Las Vegas. A Sin City nightspot insider said: "Both are sexy and work on the club scene."

God. Damn. I'm exhausted just blogging about this nonsense. Tiger actually had sex with all of them. Why only three, though? We know one of those two party girls is Jamie Jungers, who just sold her story. So, yeah: Three more to go. But at this point, it's just completely, totally obvious: Tiger Woods is a nymphomaniac. The guy needs to get his fuck on. It's a compulsion. Probably an addiction. He wouldn't be the first.

Update: Since we opened up the dossier, two more have come out, bringing the number of outed Tiger Tails to six: Mindy Lawton spoke to News of the World, and the New York Daily news got Cori Rist, who's declining to comment. Mindy Lawton, we're assuming, is the "TRAILER TRASH neighbour" and Cori Rist doesn't fit into the other two descriptions (one more Vegas nightlife hostess, a British TV host). So: two more to go, for now.

A few more notes:

Tiger might be a Tabby in the sack. Yeah. Says Showbiz Spy: Jamie Grubbs—the MENSA-level genius from Tool Academy—reportedly also bedded George Clooney. Her quote?

"Jaimee said George was amazing but wasn't so nice about Tiger. She just kept saying he was horrible in bed."

Wouldn't that suck, to get busted having all this sex, only to find out that you're not even that great at it? Maybe she's just saying it to be mean? Then again, Sartre had a big dick and hated sex. So, you know: cruel universe, amirite?

Some would argue that the Clooney story destroys Grubbs' take on things. Mindy Lawton (Mistress #6) had a different take: he had a big wood and was great at driving down the range with it. And by "wood" I mean "dick" and by "driving down the range" I mean "having sex." Lawton called him "very well endowed" and noted that he "knows his way around the bedroom. On a scale of ten I would give him 12." Her sister said Mindy described the sessions as "extremely good." Her account of the sex is by far the most racy, and the most positive. So he's got that going for him.

The Lovedrugs. Woods reportedly took the sleeping med Ambien to get wasted before he hooked up with these women. Have you ever taken Ambien? If you follow the directions, you get in bed and it knocks you the fuck out. If you're a wacky, recreational drug user like the rest of this country, you stay up, and savor what feels like taking a warm bath in silly putty and giggle fluff for anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes. You can more or less talk to anything, animate or otherwise, and you have profound revelations about incredibly stupid things that, if written down, are dangerous to your dignity if you try to process them in any way past "brainless, drug-induced rambling." Also, you basically hallucinate. So, imagine doing that, but while having sex. Sounds daunting? Well, HE IS TIGER WOODS, and so yeah, buy the ticket, take the ride (literally). But most people just ended up passed out on their couch with reruns of Fresh Prince blasting at them and a bunch of cookies crumbled under their shirts. THEY...ARE....NOT TIGER WOODS. Not that I would know any of this from first-hand experience. I just read a lot of blogs.

Money: So obviously the endgame here for so many people. He's throwing it at everyone: his mistresses and his wife. How far is it gonna go? Does it matter? Tiger was reportedly never content with the amount of money he had. So it goes. People are hard to satisfy. So will that be the Tiger Woods legacy? That people, especially the ones who have it all, are hard to satisfy? Probably not. It'll probably be about a guy who fucked around on his wife a lot. That wouldn't be entirely inaccurate.

It couldn't have been too long. Tiger got his SNL sketch. A fairly brutal skewering of exactly what's going on. Topical!

We need theme songs for all of this, so, basically: yeah. Also, this.

• Didn't see this coming: GLAAD has released a statement approving ABC's decision to cancel two Adam Lambert appearances in the wake of his controversial AMA performance. Glambert was not cut for kissing a man and simulating oral sex on stage, they explain, but because he did so without telling anyone he was going to do it. It means he can't stay on script, which is a fate that perhaps befalls stars who get their start in quasi-reality show settings. GLAAD buys ABC's excuse, noting that the letwork lets gays, lesbians, and trannies kiss on air from time to time. (Go, Ugly Betty, go) TMZ, however, notes that Adrian Brody and Halle Berry had an impromptu kiss at the 2003 Oscars and never suffered consequences. Update: Wanna know what GLAAD isn't okay with? Saying that they're okay with banning gay performers. GLAAD issued a mealy-mouthed "clarification" of their previous statement that doesn't really change anything: They're against double standards for gays and disappointed that Lambert's not appearing on ABC, but they checked with ABC and this is not one of those situations, so ABC's fine to ban him, or something. Anyway, here's the whole thing from GLAAD PR director Rich Ferraro

  Update on Statement from GLAAD on ABC's Decision to Cancel Performances by Adam Lambert

  Since his American Music Awards performance occurred GLAAD has consistently advocated that Adam Lambert and openly gay artists not be held to a double standard. As we have expressed publicly, it is disappointing that ABC will not give Lambert a chance to perform at this time. GLAAD's discussions with ABC focused on confirming that his sexual orientation was not a factor in their decisions. ABC confirmed this is not about a same-sex kiss or his sexual orientation but about being "caught off guard." GLAAD asked ABC and calls on them for clarification on "caught off guard" so that the community knows why Lambert is being denied the opportunity to perform on the network.

  [TMZ]

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• Miley Cyrus got Lindsay Lohan's "breathe" tattoo, but under her boob [fig.1] instead of on her wrist. It's all part of young Hollywood's plan to merge themselves into one big Transformers-like monster of indiscernible mom-nightmare. Miley was photographed cavorting in an ill-fitted hot pink bikini with visible boob pads. Her "Just breathe" tat is definitely new, because there are pictures of her pantomiming "it iches." [fig.2] [DailyMail]
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• As if Rihanna wasn't intimidating enough already: Asked about the rumor that she is a size queen, Rihanna laughed in a radio interview and replied, "guilty as charged, guilty as charged." She also likes tall men, and wearing heels. "If it's a one-night stand situation there's only one thing that matters. I don't think personality matters right there." Sounds like she's on the rebound? [TMZ]
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• Oh, so now he's all holier than thou: Chris Brown would like alleged Tiger Woods-beater Elin Nordegren to know, from one domestic abuser to another, that it's not okay to hit the ones you love. [Gatecrasher]
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• Speaking of Chris, his 20/20 interview airs tonight. His PR team's tenacity is unrelenting. [NYDN]
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• The Salahi Saga continues. Three Secret Service members are on administrative leave for their role in admitting the D.C. party crashers to Obama's state dinner. Nonetheless, the Prez sez he "could not have more confidence" in his security, probably because everyone knows this was actually social secretary Desiree Rogers' fault, even though the White House is defending her. [NYP] [LAT]
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• Pamela Anderson is recording a single with Richie Rich, called "High," which is about high fashion, not drugs. [P6]
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• Alleged Casey Johnson vibrator victim Jasmine Lennard says the Johnson & Johnson heiress "turned up screaming, 'I love you'" yesterday and begged Lennard to drop charges for the time Casey broke into her home, stole her panties, and left a used vibrator in her bed. Somehow Nicky Hilton gets pulled into the mess, as does a P6 meta-reference: "I considered dropping the charges until I read her claim in Page Six that I somehow fabricated what she did to me. It has made me more determined for her to suffer the consequences." [P6]
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• Taylor Lautner is in the running to be Max Steel in the comic-book-turned-movie of the same name. He's also hosting SNL this week. Sweet as the boy is, my prediction is "wooden." [LAT]
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• Kate Moss bought a bracelet straight off a woman's wrist, which must be one of the most powerful proofs of stylishness this world has to offer. But this item smells like a PR plant: Ad hoc bracelet-seller Ann Dexter-Jones is a professional bracelet-seller, too. Her debut jewelry line debuts this weekend. [P6]
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• Celebuspawn romance! 16-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger has supposedly been dating 15-year-old Tallulah Willis since Halloween. I can think of few things more awkward than reading about your teenage relationship in the New York Post, but celebuspawn know not awkwardness, born of grace and lightness are they. [P6]
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• "Destiny's Child Gals Reunite—For Lawsuit." Kelly Rowland is pissed because the copyright infringement suit that is dragging them to Chicago is all Beyonce's dad's fault, for pushing to get his daughter's name in songrwriting credits she didn't deserve. The catch-22 of stage parents is that the ones capable of making their kids into stars are also the one who end up sabotaging them later, inadvertently or otherwise. [Gatecrasher]
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  Figure 1.
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Figure 2.
  

According to Florida Highway Patrol tapes obtained by the Associated Press Woods' mother and mother-in-law were at the house when he was either injured in a car crash or 'injured in a car crash'. Which is embarrassing either way.

And Jesper Parnevik, the Swedish golfer who brought Woods and wife Elin Nordegren together when Nordegren was his nanny, did not pull his punches when interviewed about the 2am shenanigans. He told a Swedish newspaper he owed her an apology for even introducing them, via the AP.

I have lost all respect for him, primarily as a man and a father," Parnevik said in the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet on Thursday from the PGA Tour qualifying tournament in West Palm Beach, Fla. It doesn't even feel like it matters what he has done on the golf course. My respect for him as a person is gone. We have been nice to Tiger before, but now he only has himself to blame.

We thought better of him, but he is not the one we thought he was.

Finally, there are more sinister developments. According to TMZ Woods' alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel canceled a planned press conference yesterday because she knows too much about Tiger and is "scared for her safety."

Her husband's infidelity! The Tiger Woods' affair story is the hot issue of the day, but, according to The B Plot, which is written by a former TV guy and publicist in New Jersey, Kathie Lee is adamant that she won't talk about the scandal from a "personal point of view." When producers ask she apparently said, quite loudly, "Absolutely not will I rehash any of that horrible history in my life." So let's get this straight, disclosures of nudity, making out with co-host Hoda Kotb, and dressing up as C-3PO, are all OK, but talking about her husband doing it with a flight attendant more than a decade ago is beyond the pale?

The two stories a perfect parallel, both Woods and Katie Lee's husband Frank Gifford are sports figures, both fooled around while on the road, both stayed with their wives (so far). Kathie Lee could give us the perspective of what Elin Nordegren must be feeling right now, since she has kept silent ever since—well, smashing the windows out of her cheating husband's car. That's a pretty big statement, but come on, Kathie Lee, give her a voice. Gifford seems like the type who will do anything for fame and isn't afraid to look stupid in front of the camera. How is this going too far?

[Image via Getty]

Here is where things stand for Tiger, this morning: His love life is pretty fucked. Although his sex life sounds great! Of the five or so extramarital women everybody thinks he boned, the big news today is about the original Tiger Fling Girl, Rachel Uchitel. Just two days ago she gave a big front-page exclusive interview to the New York Post about how this is all bullshit and she never did anything at all with Tiger and god, this is all bullshit, because of lying whores who hate her.

Well! She's changed her mind. Rachel's having a press conference this afternoon to announce that she did, in fact, do all that sexy stuff, with Tiger Woods. (Update: The press conference was just canceled, but the admission to boning the golf star is now out there.) We assume this is because she read our advice and wants to clear the air as she moves forward with her nightlife career, but, Rachel—not so abrupt next time. The turnaround from total, vehement lie to revelation of truth that everyone already suspected must be a little smoother, so as not to make you appear to be either a psycho or blackmail victim. Although we will consider everything forgiven if you make a point to mock the New York Post's dead-wrong exclusive at your press conference.

Tiger Woods: Your job is simple. Just be Tiger Woods. That means, continue being the most robotic, uninteresting sports megastar of our time. You, sir, are a cipher. Fans and sponsors love you for it, because they can project whatever image they want upon you, and your inscrutable, uninteresting being simply swallows it up.

Golf is the most uninteresting spectator sport in the world. Golf fans are not moralists. They are people who believe that golf shirts in various shades of coral are acceptable outerwear. They are the bland upper crust of Middle America. That, and rich assholes who love to cheat on their wives. Neither of these groups of golf fans cares one bit about your marital infidelity, Tiger. Nor do your sponsors. What they do care about is being forced to think about something other than golf.

People play (and watch) golf to escape the real world. The world of golf is a world of creepy perfectly manicured lawns and rolling greens as far as the eye can see and lots middle-aged white guys. People want to embrace you as the staid, unblinking image of perfection on a golf course, Tiger. They don't want to be forced to consider who you're fucking. The masochistic desire of sports fans for a feeling of inadequacy next to their heroes does not extend into the bedroom.

So just shut the fuck up and play golf, Tiger. You'll be boring the hell out of America again before you know it.

• Some say John Mayer facilitated a LiLo-SamRo reconciliation. Others say Lindsay's "got one of her legendary scary crushes" on John. Still others say LiLo is sinking her talons into Jessica Alba's husband and baby daddy, Cash Warren, and has been "seen kissing" him! If that last one is true, we will know by the trail of dead bodies because Alba strikes me as the kind of woman who would calmly and purposefully disembowel you if you looked at her husband the wrong way. And she would do it all with dead eyes. [3AM]
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• After adamantly denying that she had an affair with Tiger Woods, Rachel Uchitel, A.K.A. Mistress #1, wants to come clean and tell the world that, yes, she did indeed bang the world's most famous sports star. Whippersnapper lawyer Gloria Allred will hold a news conference at 11:30AM PST. [National Enquirer]
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• What's more, TMZ reports that Uchitel wasn't the mistress who touched off the car-smashing fight! Nor was it Jaimee Grubbs! Who, oh who, will it be... [TMZ]
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• Casey Johnson finally got around to denying those pesky breaking/entering/masturbating charges. The Johnson & Johnson family fortune gets you some top notch legal advice, so Casey's comment was basically confined to calling the charges a "100 percent fabrication," thank you and good bye. [P6]
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• Hulk Hogan popped the question to girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel, and she said yes. Jennifer [fig.1] is the spitting image of the Hogan women, but which one? A younger version of his ex-wife? [fig.2] Or an older version of his daughter? [fig.3] The answer you choose is a Rorschach test of the twisted depths of your psychosexual subconscious. [NYDN]
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• Tareq and Michaele Salahi have canceled their Christmas party, a wine tasting one their vineyard. Guests were notified by Facebook note: "The wine tasting event has been postponed to be held after the holidays." They probably guessed that everyone and their mother was going to try to crash. [Click]
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• Ever since she married Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman's been forced to pretend like she cares about country music, and is warm and folksy and aw-shucks-sweet. Case in point: She recently described Taylor Swift as "a delight," "a honey bun," and someone she admires deeply. What I wouldn't give to have old ice queen Nicole back. And red hair, and a human face, too. [ShowBizSpy]
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• As for Taylor, she admires Rihanna, who is "one of my favorite artists, so if I ever have to perform in front of her, I'm so petrified." Isn't this all but guaranteed to happen at this year's Grammy's? [ShowBizSpy]
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• Orlando Bloom and supermodel girlfriend Miranda Kerr were partying in Vegas when someone spilled a drink on Orlando's shirt, so he ripped it off right then and there, just like in a porno. [P6]
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• Junior "Teflon" Gotti—whose racketeering and murder charges slid off into the purgatorial quasi-innocence of mistrial on Tuesday—wore a blue velour track suit and shit-eating grin celebrating his freedom by taking his kids on a shopping spree at Toys 'R' Us. [NYDN]
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• Kate Hudson says no matter how in love you are with a man, "you need to have your girlfriends," which is funny, because almost female I know thinks she's insanely annoying, although one or two love her. Female polarization principle; its adverse is known as the masculine meh. [ShowBizSpy]
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Figures 1., 2., & 3.

Ok!
"$75 Million For Baby #2."
Can we talk about this cover for a minute? We find it very conversational: "Shhhh!" and "Sorry Nicole — We Can't Keep A Secret" amd "OMG! Tiger Reveals What Really Happened." Inside, "sources" tell Ok! that there's been tension between Katie and Tom because he's been pushing for another baby since Suri was delivered. Wait, since Suri was delivered? Was he in the hospital when she came out, saying, "Gimme another one!" Anyways. Katie plans to get pregnant in the next year and Tom plans to set aside $75 million for his new offspring. A "pal" says part of the reason Katie's going to have another kid is because "she no longer feels like she's just Mrs. Cruise — she's her own person again. A sidebar headline reads: "Meanwhile, Tom's Ex Nicole Looks Pregnant." (see image 7) Dr. Christopher Sipe, who does not treat Nicole, says: "It appears she may be 30 weeks pregnant. Or she could be teasing the media." Wait wait wait. Nicole is 7 ½ months along? Or joking? Glad we narrowed that down. Moving on: Liza Minnelli and Adam Lambert are "surprise look-alikes." (See image 8.) Angelina Jolie says of Brad Pitt, "I met the right person and I don't like being without him." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are "taking a break." Jake is reluctant to live a "middle-aged lifestyle" what with the two kids and the farm and whatnot. They came to an agreement to spend some times apart and reconnect in a couple of weeks and see how they feel. Finally: Jessica Simpson is "smitten" with former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan "since connecting with the bald bad boy at a November 6 party." They left together and that was the last anyone heard of them for days!
Grade: F (flubbed shot)

Life & Style
"The Truth About My Marriage."
Ugh. As you may have noticed, L&S pushes the Kardashians on every other cover. They're on one week, off the next, then on again, and it's been going on basically since July. Or maybe earlier. We guess the editors struck a deal with the family, but the coverage is seriously tedious. Here's what Margaret learned from this incredibly long interview: Khloe says Lamar would be happy if she got pregnant right away, but she'd like to wait. And even though she met his 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, Destiny, she has never met his 7-year-old son Lamar Jr. That's what you get for rushing your reality TV wedding! Margaret thinks Lamar should concentrate on having his son meet his new wife instead of trying to make a new baby. Moving on: Lady Gaga is "making everyone crazy" and is responsible for Adam Lambert's sexed-up AMA performance, for Rihanna's "barely-there bodysuit" at the AMAs and for Miley Cyrus being more seductive. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are talking about having kids; she wants a girl. But, the magazine warns that Britney "relies heavily" on two medications to remain stable. And it might not be wise to take them while she is pregnant. Health advice is servicey! Gwyneth Paltrow has been spotted in London without Chris Martin and an insider says they're staying together for the children. Gwynnie refuses to get divorced, but "she's lived the last year or so of her life like a divorcée." What does that mean? Because I picture it involves drinking wine and wearing cleavage-highlighting outfits. Lastly: In Tiger Woods news, an insider names another woman, Kalika Moquin, as someone Tiger has hooked up with a bunch of times. "Tiger told Kalika that married life isn't all it's built up to be," and that he was unhappy and feeling lots of pressure. Kalika is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, and the mag has a pic of her (See image 9.) When contacted, she did not confirm or deny the affair, saying it was "not appropriate" for her to comment one way or the other. We take this to mean she hasn't yet settled on a dollar amount for which to sell her story.
Grade: D- (fat shot)

In Touch
"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows."
As we learned last week, Angelina wanted to take the kids to Asia for Thanksgiving but Brad was against it, because he wanted to go to his parent's house. Now Brad's parents are advising him to leave Angie "before the relationship destroys him." The Cambodia trip allegedly fell through, so the Jolie-Pitts stayed in LA for the holiday. The copy here reads: "With no obvious reason beyond his partner's selfishness, Brad was forced to call his mother Jane on November 17, canceling the plans his whole family had been looking forward to for weeks." On the phone, "Jane sensed Brad's hurt" and asked if he was alright. "For a change, he didn't sugarcoat it." GASP. "He told his mom, 'It's worse than you think,' the insider reveals, adding that Brad was 'in tears' during the call." Jane was shocked it was so bad and told Brad to leave Angelina. The mag adds: "His only joy these days is Jen, 40, with whom he has been talking or texting nearly every day." Brad has confided to his parents that he still has feelings for Jen and they are urging him to follow through. Brad was disappointed that Jen went to Morocco for the holiday but they made plans to meet when she's back. And! Jen invites Brad's parents to her annual Christmas Eve dinner every year, and this year, they accepted, for the first time. Oh, and Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston bonded when they were both in Morocco; they are both worried about Brad's future and almost called him together but decided against it. Moving on: Reese and Jake are being torn apart because he's very serious about marriage and children and wants to "make things official" but Reese never gives in. Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to reunite them. Lindsay Lohan is having a "secret romance" with Entourage star Kevin Connolly. They've known each other for years but hooked up at a party at Leonardo DiCaprio's house in November and are "sneaking around." Ooh, plastic surgery special! Zac Efron's nose was "refined." Megan Fox had implants, lip injections and a nose job. Etc. (See image 10.) It goes on for a few pages. Lastly: Tom Cruise begged Katie Holmes to join him in Europe for Thanksgiving, but she stayed in New York.
Grade: D (double bogey)

Star
"The Fight To End All Fights!"
An alarm went off at Brad and Angie's house in LA, so the cops came, and left 20 minutes later. The mag claims: "Five alarm fights are the norm for Brad and Angelina these days." Apparently Angelina is a "screamer" and will get physical, shoving Brad. He wanted to go to Missouri for Thanksgiving; she wanted to take Pax on a humanitarian mission. So they fought. He told her she was selfish; she started hyperventilating and threw a chair at him. Brad stormed out of the house and went to Chateau Mirval — he said he was going to set up the house for Christmas, but he really just wanted to get away from Angelina. Brad is also mad that Angelina is trying to adopt from Africa again and not involving him in the process — and he doesn't want another kid yet. Please note: The image used on the cover is a picture of Angelina Jolie crying on UN World Refugee Day — June 20, 2003 (click that link and see). Brad and Angie did not get together until 2005, nearly TWO years later. Moving on: Tyra Banks is "super skinny" and "looks gaunt and waif-like." She looks fine to us? (See image 11.) Blind item! "Which singer is less of a gentleman than he seems? He hits the red carpet with gorgeous gals while hiding his real girlfriend — because she's a stripper." Hmm, Ne-Yo's album is Year Of The Gentleman… Reese Witherspoon had 40 people over for Thanksgiving and after eating they all sat around the piano and sang. Jake Gyllenhaal was a no-show, and "everyone was told not to mention his name." Reese and Jake broke up because he wants to get married someday, but felt that Reese was pushing him into it — he got freaked out and said he wasn't ready for such a commitment. David Hasselhoff went on a three-day drinking binge and was put on a psych hold at the hospital, but has been released. Britney Spears is pregnant! A "family insider" says she took a home pregnancy test after feeling queasy; her period was 2 weeks late. Two tests were positive! She called sis Jamie Lynn, who was not very supportive, telling Brit she hoped it was a false positive. Britney made JLS swear to secrecy, but JLS told the whole family. Jason is scared of making a huge commitment right now and "nobody thinks Britney's ready to be a mom again." Um, she's already a mom, right? Finally: A friend says Lindsay "just feels defeated and doesn't care what happens." She thinks "no one can save her, not even herself." LL was partyhopping on November 12 and wound up with Brandon Davis, her former enemy, and they were seen "bending out of sight and then wiping their noses after they stood back up." Which translates into "sniffing coke." When she saw photographers outside the house, she started throwing food out the window and acting crazy. At another party, Lindsay begged Leonardo DiCaprio to help her get a film role and he "gently suggested" she clean up her act. An insider says Lindsay took that as a slap in the face and the kind of help people are offering is not the kind she wants. Plus, her friends are abandoning her and she's resorted to hanging out with strangers. "These people don't care about her, so they don't stop her from taking so many drugs," a source says. "She could overdose and they wouldn't do anything. Lindsay knows it's dangerous, but she doesn't care anymore."
Grade: C (par for the course)

Us
"Yes, He Cheated."
In an exclusive interview, cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, claims she's been having an affair with Tiger Woods for nearly three years. She played a voicemail from November 24 for the mag, which goes like this: "Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye." In a sidebar on Jaimee, she spills details about how they met; when things first started getting physical; their first sexual encounter; how she made Tiger watch Desperate Housewives, which he "allowed" because "My friend Teri Hatcher is on it." Jaimee shares sexy texts from Tiger with the mag and there's a picture of her holding her iPhone with Tiger's name listed in it. Tiger told her his life was overwhelming, but that he needed the endorsements and busy schedule because he wasn't as financially stable as he wanted to be. "I thought, fuck him, I'm just an average person, that's a slap in the face. But he has really high goals for himself." And the end of the piece, Jaimee says: "I do apologize that his wife is going to have to read this… Whatever happens with Elin, I hope Tiger and I can reconnect and remain good friends." Yeeeahhh… Not gonna happen. Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel is saying she did not have an affair with Tiger Woods but met him twice. Her friends, however, say that he was exchanging sexts and emails with her. And one email is about how he had a terrible dream that she was "getting fucked by [former flings] Derek [Jeter] and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that." MOVING ON. We loved Mindy Kaling's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" — especially "I will see any movie that features a makeover set to music." (For more see image 12!) Next, Nicole Kidman is not pregnant, her rep confirms. John Mayer has a late night show "in development," but 85% of Us readers would not watch it. Jessica Simpson was overheard at a restaurant asking her mom, "Do I like Gouda cheese?" Have you seen Heidi Klum's adorbs new baby? See image 13! Also, you probably were not aware, but "Thanksgiving Is For L♥vers." (See image 14.) Lastly: "No celeb goes to Villa in West Hollywood on Thursday nights anymore." But on November 19, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren both showed up with their friends and sat together, and after about 30 minutes, started making out "lip on tongue." "It was raw," says an eyewitness. "They were not shy." Lindsay spoke to Us and says she and Cash are friends who are collaborating on a potential TV show. "This is so absurd. He is married. I wouldn't dare kiss him."
Grade: C+ (1 over par)

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From Life & Style

From In Touch

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From Star

From Us

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After the nominal plea for privacy that will promptly be ignored by the press and the American public, Woods went on to lament the attention he's received ever since crashing his car and shaking loose a tree of secrets. All of those secrets are women, and we don't even know all their names yet. Still, Tiger is standing by his wife.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

Screw privacy! What kind of ladies Tiger like? Skinny, leggy, conventionally attractive women with long hair. He's not so picky about the color, but he's really into the length. It helps if they have an exotic name—even if it's Grubbs. All of his confirmed mistresses worked in Vegas nightclubs, so it seems that's where Mr. Woods goes to get his holes in one—especially at The Bank, which seems to be filled with deposits from Mr. Woods' millions.

Rachel Uchitel
Lives: Manhattan
Works: Director of VIP services at the Griffin nightclub
Fun Facts: Also had relationships with Derek Jeter and David Boreanaz. Has celeb attorney Gloria Allred on retainer. Her mother is a Florida socialite.
Outed By: National Enquirer.
Hotness: A solid 8 (out of 10)
TV Movie Casting: Jennifer Aniston

Jaimee Grubbs
Lives: Las Vegas
Works: Waitress at The Bank nightclub
Fun Fact: Yes, she was on VH1's Tool Academy. Claims to have 300 "sext messages" from Woods.
Outed By: Us Weekly for a tidy sum.
Hotness: 5
TV Movie Casting: Tila Tequila

Kalika Moquin
Lives: Las Vegas
Works: Marketing director for The Bank nightclub
Fun Facts: Throws an annual Vegas Prom event, and hosted about just about every club in town. She is one of the 31 most influential people in Las Vegas nightlife
Outed By: Life & Style
Hotness: 7
TV Movie Casting: Eliza Dushku

Elin Nordegren
Lives: Wherever Tiger is—except when he's in Vegas.
Works: Retired model, now professional Mrs. Woods
Fun Facts: Gave birth to Woods' daughter Sam in 2007 and son Charlie in 2009. She is Swedish and has a twin sister, Josefin.
Outed By: Marrying Tiger in 2004 after three years of dating.
Hotness: 9
TV Movie Casting: Jamie Priessly

Four Unnamed Others
Lives: Las Vegas, Orlando, and Verona, New York
Works: One is a marketing exec, the others just want a piece of Tiger.
Fun Facts: We're waiting to find out who these women are: one he took home from his favorite pick up joint, The Bank, in Vegas. Two others he took back to his room after meeting them at a casino in Verona, New York. The fourth was a girl he was feeling up in an Orlando bar.
Outed By: Us Weekly and TMZ
Hotness: We're reserving judgement.
TV Movie Casting: There's gotta be a part for Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta in there somewhere.

Neal Boulton is the upstanding one here, see? He was forced, forced by his conscience, to tell Keith Kelly that he had no choice but to quit his job as editor of Men's Fitness, in moral protest, when the magazine got Tiger Woods to be on its cover in exchange for covering up news of his dirty, sexxxy affairs.

"We were going to [do a quid pro quo with] America's favorite sports star, just to get his name on the cover of a magazine," said Boulton. "That was too much for me. That's when I high-tailed it out of there."

David Pecker, CEO of AMI [which owns both the National Enquirer and Men's Fitness], denies this and calls Boulton a "disgruntled former employee." The truth is, there are no winners here, ladies and gentlemen. None.

[Disclosure: Neal Boulton once commissioned a freelance article from me and then never paid me for it so I am biased against him.]

• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumored to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for "my boyfriend at the time" (almost definitely Chris Brown) and "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter's naughty parts. This is Emily Post's recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
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• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn't catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
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• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs' phone records, the rumored sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like "I will wear you out" and "Hey, it's Tiger." [NYDN]
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• "The War's Over": LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It's like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and "a scantily clad blond." (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
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• 50 Cent carries $25,000 on his person at all times "just in case," and because he's so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him, anyway. [JustJared]
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• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
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• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at college (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn't try pot until she was in her 20's. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A.] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
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• Jennifer Lopez's lawyer says her sex tape doesn't even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a "mockumentary," which is a really stunning word choice, on multiple levels. [People]
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• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: "I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." Genius. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph, is engaged in a sticky-sweet game of corporate espionage. Dylan, who owns NYC candy store Dylan's Candy Bar, has reportedly been "sneaking around taking photos of her rival," Sugar Factory, which has more celebrity patrons. A Sugar Factory rep's diplomatically snide response: "We are flattered Dylan's looking to us for inspiration." Burn! [P6]
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• National Enquirer has the most adorable article-thingee accepting Newsweek's recognition for the tab's contribution to "one of it's top scandals of the decade," the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair. You can almost see Enquirer Ed-in-Ch David Perel's cheeks glowing as he sings with pride: "He then engineered a cover-up that was Nixonian in its cynicism... Six months later, the Enquirer caught Edwards... Call it definitive proof that investigative journalism still matters, no matter what you think of where it originated." [Enquirer]
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  Exhibit A.
  

Us paid $150,000 for the Grubbs exclusive, according to our (unverified) tipster. The full story supposedly runs tomorrow, with the headline "Tiger Trouble." Our tipster also says that People didn't bid on her story, because "they are hoping to get first sit down with Tiger and don't want to piss him off!"

Makes sense! Email us if you know more. What we do know for sure: All these magazines are in a much better position than TMZ, which has been running breathless exclusives about all the trouble Tiger was in with Florida law enforcement, right up to the moment he received a big $164 ticket. TMZ commenters are mocking the site for its coverage. Heh.

George Lopez and Wanda Sykes Make the Same Exact Racist Joke about Tiger Woods
George Lopez and Wanda Sykes are both minority comedians hosting new late night shows. They both promised to bring something new to late night. Looks like all they're doing is recycling the same tired, old racist jokes-literally.

Spanish Televison Does Lost Promos Better Than ABC Does
Spain's Cuarto television network aired this commercial for the final season of Lost yesterday. This dark, haunting imagery set to Radiohead's "Everything In Its Right Place" might make any casual TV-viewer amped up enough to get into the upcoming season.

Chinese Re-Enact Tiger Woods Incident Using the Magic of Animation
Well, I guess the Florida cops can call off the investigation. Our friends in China already used animation to re-enact exactly how the Tiger Woods fiasco (probably) transpired. Unbelievable.

A&E's Hoarders Discovers the Ultimate Cat Lady
Two hoarders, Shirley and Bailey, tried to take in as many stray cats in the neighborhood as possible. In taking in around 76(!) cats, they overlooked one important thing: feeding them.

How to Tell When a Relationship Is Over in 90 Seconds
We've all been there: that terrible time when the magic has gone and one realizes that they aren't really "in it to win it" anymore. If you need help deciding if your relationship is about to expire, watch this.

• What do you want to be when you grow up? This is the question you must ask yourself now, Rachel. Out of scandal comes opportunity. But you must know what you're pursuing if you are to achieve it. Think about it. We have some ideas too!
• Only talk to your friends. The corollary of this being, "Know who your friends are." The New York Post is not your friend, Rachel. It is not anyone's friend. So why oh why did you give them the big interview today? The gist of your interview was "I barely know Tiger Woods and nothing happened between us." The cover headline: "TIGER & ME: Beautiful 'other woman reveals the truth about her relationship with sports' biggest star." See how that does not serve you well, since many more people will read the headline than will read your actual words? Yes. A "friend" in the media is an outlet that will cede you friendly coverage in exchange for access. And don't go too far downscale. RadarOnline, for example, would just make you seem like more of a nut. Aim for Barbara Walters. Settle for Bob Costas.
• Pick an image and stick to it. From a BlackBook interview, June 2008: "Although I've been romantically linked to a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, I will never kiss and tell!"
  From your New York Post interview today: "It doesn't look good because of stories in the past about me and other celebrities, and everybody thinks I'm just a celebrity f - - -er. Well the truth is, I live alone, I don't have a boyfriend, and I have my gay best friend staying over most nights. I'm a recluse. I don't go out, I stay home with my dogs and friends."
  So which is it? Clearly, it is "Celebrity fucker," in truth. Which is okay! Many people in this world aspire to become a celebrity fucker, but few ever live that dream. You have, and you should not be ashamed. Just go with it.
• Work that nightlife angle. Hmm, what would be a perfect industry in which a woman such as yourself could use the fame associated with vague celebrity sex scandal to her advantage? An industry in which the mystique cultivated by more silence, Rachel,selective silence, could be beneficially used to draw people into your orbit? And industry in which you already know everyone? Yes. Nightlife. You should right now be out hustling investors to open your own club down the road. A sexy and dangerous club. A club where the notoriety that goes along with fucking Tiger Woods et al. will not be shameful. It will be celebrated. It will make you popular. And you will win.
• Calibrate your edginess carefully. Nightclub, yes. Porn, no. You're no Ashley Dupre.

• Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson is under arrest for grand theft after stealing fancy clothes and baubles from a supermodel ex. NYP reports, "the thief stole jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing—even her underwear. The thief also left a bizarre calling card—a used vibrator was found in her bed and a wet towel was on the floor." Casey was apprehended after on-again off-again girlfriend Courtenay Semel texted victim Jasmine Lennard some troubling news: "There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear." Lennard appears to be of sexuality: opportunistic, judging by myriad photos of a scantily clad Lennard clinging to the arms of well-dressed octogenarians (and Simon Cowell?). Point being: I am so ready for Casey Johnson's made-for-TV movie. [NYP]
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• "Party Girl History of Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Surfaces." Here's what I learned: (1) Rachel Uchitel is a professional starfucker. She promotes high-end Vegas and NYC clubs including Tao, Marquee, and Stanton Social, and is tasked with scoring celebrity appearances (2) She went on at least one date with Will.i.Am (3) Her mother is a Palm Beach socialite with a condo next door to Rudy Giuliani's. [NYDN]
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• Speaking of Uchitel, HuffPo has an enlightening slideshow of "Gloria Allred's Women." The famed lawyer to tabloid-bait females (Bill Clinton harassee Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson's fam) has been hired by Uchitel. [HuffPo]
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• Richard Gere may be fined up to $50,000 for chopping down 200 trees in his Westchester estate without acquiring a permit. Deforestation without paper work is a no-no in the Bestchester, and even "very popular" Little League dads are not immune. [P6]
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• Speaking of Tiger Woods, oddsmakers are having a field day with a sports star scandal. Odds are that he'll buy his wife an expensive ring (+500), admit to having an affair (+275), get a divorce (+250), and/or was drunk at the time (+200). Odd that he stays with his wife are worse. (-150) [TMZ]
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• Heidi Klum and Seal's baby daughter had her photographic debut in a classy black-and-white pic on her parents' website. Lou Samuel is as photogenic as you'd imagine, and has a shocking amount of hair. [NYDN]
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• Jennifer Aniston is helping promote her yoga trainer's DVD, and there's a Self magazine tie-in, too, because uptight women who wake up at 5AM to do yoga and study techniques for non-bulky ab sculpting in Self are the only fans sad Jen left. [P6]
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• Shaquille O'Neal's wife moved to L.A. and, days later, filed for divorce, a clever move that is perhaps related to California's even-steven division of assets and alimony laws. Shaq, however, isn't having it, and filed papers to force the legal proceedings back to Florida, where Shaq lives and Shaunie used to. [TMZ]
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• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, and Jimmy and Nancy Fallon, went on a double date for brunch. Too cute. [P6]
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• The thorn in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's side is back: The woman who claims Hasselbeck plagiarized her book has refiled charges, after her first suit was tossed out earlier this month. The lady says her suit against The View's co-host was tossed out on a technicality, which she has now fixed it. I'm torn on how to react to this news: On the one hand, Hasselbeck is annoying and unoriginal, so the suit feels right. On the other, someone who refiles near-identical lawsuits repeatedly doesn't sound so great, either. I hate it when I don't know who to cheer for. [TMZ]
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At 2:25 a.m. on Friday morning—in other words, late on Thanksgiving night—one of Woods' neighbors in Windermere, Fla., called 911 to report that Woods had crashed into a tree in front of his house and was lying on the ground outside his Cadillac Escalade. He was taken to a local hospital in "serious condition" with facial lacerations and released later that day. The Florida Highway Patrol didn't release details about the accident until Friday afternoon, twelve hours after it happened, and the initial report from Windermere police officers was that Woods was drifting in and out of consciousness when they arrived on the scene. Windermere's police chief told the Orlando Sentinel that Woods' wife Elin had heroically used a golf club to break out the rear windows of Woods' SUV and rescued him from the vehicle; when they arrived, the Sentinel reported, she was "hovering" over her husband, "frantic and upset."

Within hours of the story breaking on Friday, the truth began to emerge: According to TMZ and RadarOnline, Tiger and Elin had been arguing before the crash, and she scratched his face up before he attempted to flee in his car, telling her, "You've ruined our Thanksgiving! Are you happy now?" Elin chased after him swinging a golf club, and managed to bash out the SUV's back windows as he drove away. Woods "got distracted" by the attack and ran into a fire hydrant and then a tree, hitting them at less than 33 mph, to judge by the fact that the car's airbags didn't activate. There was no blood on the steering wheel, TMZ reported, making it unlikely that Woods' injuries were sustained during the crash. According to TMZ, Woods told a friend that he wasn't drunk at the time, but had been taking painkillers.

So why would Elgin attack her husband on Thanksgiving night? Probably because last week, the National Enquirer reported that Woods had been having an affair with Rachel Uchitel, a New York City nightclub promoter and self-described celebrity-dater. The Enquirer story claimed that Uchitel had told a friend, "I don't care about his wife! We're in love," and that the pair were "constantly sexting." TMZ says Tiger had told a friend on Friday, before the accident, that Elin had "gone ghetto" over the allegations, and that he had to "run to Zales to get a 'Kobe Special'"—a diamond ring—to mollify her. It apparently didn't work.

For her part, Uchitel has denied the Enquirer's allegations, telling the New York Post, "this is nothing to do with me. We have never had an affair, and the claims we did are completely false." She's reportedly retained celebrity lawyer and horrible person Gloria Allred and is considering a defamation claim against the Enquirer.

What does Tiger say about all this? Not much. In a statement released yesterday, he said,

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

The Florida Highway Patrol has attempted to interview Tiger and his wife about the accident three times, and been turned away each time. And Tiger's lawyer is now saying that, under Florida law, they don't have to talk to the cops, and won't:

We have been informed by the Florida Highway Patrol that further discussion with them is both voluntary and optional. Although Tiger realizes that there is a great deal of public curiosity, it has been conveyed to FHP that he simply has nothing more to add and wishes to protect the privacy of his family.

But that's not going to cut it: According to TMZ, the Florida Highway Patrol is seeking a warrant to gain access to medical records from Tiger's hospitalization to find out if his injuries are consistent with a car accident or assault. If it's the latter, the next step could be charging Elin with domestic violence. TMZ also says the Woods home is equipped with security cameras, and Florida authorities want to see what's on the tapes.

Long story short, the Woodses spent their Thanksgiving like most families do: Trapped in a sickeningly familiar cycle of recrimination, betrayal, lies, and poor decision-making. We can't wait for Christmas.

• The White House party crashers met Barack Obama before, as part of a surreal coterie at last year's America's Polo Cup. Polo networking site PoloContacts.com shows the Salahis posing with Obama, Randy Jackson, "Black Eyed Peas Rock Band," and "rock band JOURNEY." Michaele is identified as "former Miss USA and SuperModel." According to Wikipedia, nobody named Michaele has ever won the Miss USA contest, but I like the idea of her real name being something plain and Midwestern like Wendy or Martha or Gretchen. She posed for pictures with beauty queens, too. [PoloContacts] [PoloContacts]
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• Next question: Is Michaele Salahi a compulsive liar, or is she actually delusional? On the day of the infamous State Dinner, Michaele got help from her hairstylist fixing her sari, and said she called the White House personally to ask whether her ensemble would offend the Indian delegation. Her friends asked to see the invite, but, oh my, looks like she has misplaced it, must've left it "in the limo," alas. [People]
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• On Sunday at 2:45, "a source close to" Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal told People the pair had broken up, prompting a thousand teenage screams of despair (that the golden couple had broken up) and elation (that Jake was back on the market). But then at 5:00, their reps said it wasn't true, ad a temporary rift in the teen-scream-iverse healed. [People]
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• Alleged Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel knows exactly where this mess is going, and has hired Gloria Allred, high-profile lawyer to scandal-marred female tabloid victims, from Clinton harassee Paula Jones to the family of Nicole Brown Simpson. [NYDN]
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• Jamie Foxx is on Team Jacob. At the New Moon premiere, Foxx asked werewolf portrayer Taylor Lautner to pose with him for a photograph because "my daughter is a huge fan, and I'm a huge fan." If I had to hazard a guess, that last part probably wasn't true, but it's cute that Taylor got excited. Before we turn them into leathery wizened celebubots, teen stars can be so sweet. [Gatecrasher]
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• "Tila Tequila's Energy Secret" is an infinite stream of Red Bull parceled into 20-can tables, which is part of her rider when she strips at high-end clubs. She also won't allow herself to be photographed smoking, for hers is a sterling reputation that must not be sullied. [P6]
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• Tinsley and Topper Mortimer have reinvented romance. The hedge fund baron is so in love with his ex, he'll do anything—even fake be in love! "Topper is still into Tinsley. They talk three times a day. He has even offered to show up [on her show] if she has a date in public with another man, to help ratings. They may even get back together for ratings." It is impossible to tell where the snake's mouth ends and its tail begins. [P6]
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• Padma Lakshmi is hot and she knows it, and it's not vanity because she once dated Salmon Rushdie and knows all about metaphor: "I like me better naked. I don't mean that in a vain way... Clothes are adjectives, they are indicators. When you don't have any clothes on, it's just you, raw, and you can't hide." [P6]
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• New details about Anthony Michael Hall's alleged domestic assaullt of girlfriend Diana Falzone: Police say he "pushed, shoved, and spit" and "bit his girlfriend's forehead," the latter of which is somewhat baffling. [P6]
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Images via Polo Contacts Worldwide

Today, the main Woods development was that there were no developments. Police produced an unrevealing 911 tape, while Woods released a tell-nothing statement on his website in which he accepted all responsibility for Thursday night's crash and begged for privacy:

This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

Meanwhile, Woods and his wife, Elin Nordegren, continue hiding out and brushing off cops who seem far too willing to take "no" for an answer. On Friday, the Florida Highway Patrol tried to interview Woods, but his wife answered the door and told them he was "sleeping," according to the Washington Post. Which, you would think, what with all the speculation about Nordegen attacking Tiger with a golf club before the crash, the cops might want to make sure Tiger wasn't "sleeping the big sleep" courtesy of a frying pan to the dome? On Saturday, the unhappy couple told cops to come back Sunday. Today, police were told Tiger was "unavailable for an interview." (No word on whether this was said with an evil gleam in the eyes, followed by a devious cackle. This would be a worrying development.)

It seems like Tiger thinks that if he cloisters himself in his mansion without speaking to police or media this whole thing will blow over. The irony of this PR strategy is that the gatecrashing Salahis have been doing the same thing for exactly the opposite reason. (They successfully avoided Secret Service for two days before being interviewed Friday. They still haven't talked to the media.) The Salahis know that an information blackout will only ratchet up the speculation and rumor-mongering—that not talking to police is the ultimate signal that "something weird is going on." The Salahis have a stake in increasing the obfuscation—and, thus, the payout for their first interview. The only way Tiger's strategy make sense is if he comes out tomorrow demanding $500,000 from NBC for an interview about the crash and a spot on "The Real Housewives of Orange County, Florida." Who knows—weirder things happened last week alone.

(Photo of crash scene courtesy of TMZ)