Gawker: Tiger Woods

GM Fires Tiger Woods, Pencil Suppliers

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:28:40 EST

Floundering maker of autos GM got slammed for flying its executives to Washington on private jets to beg for a government bailout. They were denied, so now they've decided to cut back on every last unnecessary expense. And today, the company announced that it's going to end its $8 million per year endorsement contract with Tiger Woods. Though GM swears that, hey, this has nothing to do with their desperate quest for a bailout—"the timing...is purely coincidental." (Bullshit, judging purely on outward appearance). Where else is the company cutting costs? Everywhere, starting with the paper towels!:

They're buying cheaper "wipe-up towels" to "lower GM's 'cost per wipe.'"
They've stopped replacing batteries in their wall clocks, and updating them for daylight savings time
They didn't even hold press conferences at the latest auto show.
Cheaper pencils!
No more voice mail: "Recordings that used to say, 'please leave a message,' now say 'please call back.'"

This company full of not-on-time workers who are too busy dealing with ripped, low-quality paper towels and broken pencils to call back reporters who missed the press conference only to find that they can't leave a message for anyone is on the road to recovery! [WSJ, Ad Age; pic via]

Michael Phelps And The Nerdy Endorsement Trap

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:14:23 EDT

Dolphin-like Olympic champ Michael Phelps is like that dude in the poem who has come to two roads that diverge in the woods. Except Michael Phelps has far more money at stake than that guy. Now that Phelps has won the races and gripped the strippers, his full-time job is endorsing products in return for sweet cash, the nectar of life. Even his mom is in on it! But Phelps is already screwing up. Now is when you determine whether you're the next Tiger Woods or the next [obscure swimmer], Mike. We're here to help, for a small cut.

Micheal Phelps' current endorsements include Speedo, Visa, Kellogg's, AT&T, Rosetta Stone, PureSport Beverages. The first would be better if it was Nike or Adidas. The last two are crap niche products that will bring down Phelps' brand value. The middle three are okay (although Wheaties would have been preferable to Corn Pops).

What Phelps has to realize is that there are only two paths for athlete endorsers to take: the Nerd path, personified by Tiger Woods, or the Badass path, personified by Ray Lewis.

It's simple, really. Can a middle-aged white businessman imagine hanging out with you for a day, and maybe making friends? Then you're a Nerd. Tiger is the uber-nerd, and he's made it work to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars. Do you think Tiger motherfucking Woods drives a Buick? No, old people drive Buicks. But Tiger is nonthreatening enough that old people can imagine him plausibly driving one to their cocktail party, and then hitting a few putts in the putting green in their den. Pals.

Ray Lewis is a superstar linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. He was on the cover of Madden 2005. He's also been indicted on murder charges. He will end you. Do you think Ray Lewis is going to come over to your apartment and sit on your couch and play Madden with you and offer you a high five and drink your Capri Sun in a spirit of friendly sportsmanship? No. You fear Ray Lewis, and that is why he's an effective endorser.

This is a spectrum, but everyone falls on one side or the other. Michael Jordan is at the friendly end of Badass. Donovan McNabb is at the cooler end of Nerd. Michael Phelps has placed himself squarely on the nerd track. The question is, is that the way to go.

Look, Phelps: you're young. You're going to be a tabloid star. You don't want to be Tiger Woods, a cold-blooded machine with an icy, beautiful wife, a billion bucks in the bank, and a Buick in the driveway. You want to be the Jordan of swimming: towering and inapproachable in the pool, and a relaxed, smiling cigar-smoker out of it, surrounded by women as you play craps with money that Cuba Gooding Jr. gave you for the privilege of wearing your underwear.

So lose the Speedo and the Rosetta Stone. Take up with Adidas and some Italian airline that will buy you your own villa. Keep up the aggressive grip. Grow rich and prosper. Send us 2%.

[I know you're actually a nerd, Mike. It's irrelevant.]

The Ironic Moustache Tat of Tomorrow

mr.guyball — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:27:50 EDT

There’s a dude in Utah who’ll tattoo your teeth for you. While tooth (actually crown) tattoo is clearly a natural progression in body art, I think the real surprise here is that there’re novel forms of bling being developed in the Jell-O belt. The procedure costs between $75 and $200, usually takes a half-hour, and will give you a lifetime of shame and regret. Steve Heward, the oral Donatello behind this innovation, seems to specialize in faces like Micky Mouse, Amy Winehouse, and Abraham Lincoln. A parade of horribles after the jump.

You got your David Letterman

Your Amy Winehouse

Your giant panda

...and Tiger Woods next to a penny.

[via Best Week Ever]

Tiger Woods Injured, World Stops Caring About Golf; Advertisers 'Screwed'

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 09:32:46 EDT

Tiger Woods has announced that he tore his ACL and will miss the rest of the golf season, so it's time to despair, toss your golf clubs in the water, and sell any investments you have in any company remotely connected with golf as fast as possible. TV networks that show golf tournaments and the companies that advertise on those broadcasts are doing exactly that right now, although with slow, undetectable movements, and with a broad smile on their face for the press. "Golf will be fine!" they'll say, with their stomachs sinking as they look at the numerical proof of the "Tiger Effect":

Golf's No. 1-ranked player and the world's top-earning athlete guarantees the biggest crowds and highest ratings. For TV executives, his absence will be hard to ignore - 40 percent of golf watchers actually turn off the television when Tiger's not playing, studies have shown.

Hmm, a mere 40% drop. Even the Golf Channel, with its hardcore fans, sees a 30% drop without Tiger. Over the last five years, tournaments without Tiger have seen 30% lower ratings that those with him—a difference of 2 million viewers per. Among the companies screwed the most: Buick and Deutsche Bank, both of whom had big ad campaigns tied into Tiger.

Tiger Woods himself: just chilling for a few months with his supermodel wife and mansions.

[NYP, NYT]

Noose Probably Not the Best Choice for Your Magazine's Cover

Sheila — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 11:23:11 EST

Golfweek's recent cover featuring a noose is getting a bad reaction from pretty much everyone, so they fired the editor responsible. The noose is—duh!—totally in reference to the suspension of Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman, who made an extremely poorly-chosen comment involving the word "lynch" when discussing young golfers challenging Tiger Woods. As for the cover—yeah, that's one of those ideas that seems good at three in the morning but the next day you're totally like "Oops." Except with print, you can't take it back. Golfweek also issued an apology. There, now it's all fixed! Click to see the large version of this extremely bad decision! [Yahoo News] [AP]

It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Accidentally Mentions Lynching

Sheila — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 01:19:33 EST

Kelly Tilghman—an anchor at the most exciting channel on TV, the Golf Channel—was suspended for two weeks because of a crude and racist remark. Just how crude and racist was it? "Lynch him in a back alley," she said, referring to young players challenging Tiger Woods. Well hell, we all let things slip sometimes. Woods' agent didn't much care, because the two are actually friends, but no matter—now Al Sharpton has jumped into the fray! Which means we have about three more days of crazy-talk on this particular story. [AP]

Tiger Woods' Daughter Off-White, Maybe Even Taupe

abalk — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:00:19 EDT

The New York Post today fronts a photo of golfer Tiger Woods with his smoking-hot wife and new daughter Sam. While commending Woods for releasing the pictures without seeking remuneration, the paper is totally confused about his offspring's ethnicity.

Sam already outdoes her dad in terms of multicultural makeup. Her Swedish mommy adds an extra layer to her papa's already far-flung heritage.
He's one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African-American, one-eighth American Indian and one-eighth Dutch, and has always referred to himself as "Cablinasian."

What that makes Sam is anybody's guess.

Oooh, we'll take a shot! How about "a baby?"

A BABE IN THE WOODS FAMILY [NYP]