• The White House party crashers met Barack Obama before, as part of a surreal coterie at last year's America's Polo Cup. Polo networking site PoloContacts.com shows the Salahis posing with Obama, Randy Jackson, "Black Eyed Peas Rock Band," and "rock band JOURNEY." Michaele is identified as "former Miss USA and SuperModel." According to Wikipedia, nobody named Michaele has ever won the Miss USA contest, but I like the idea of her real name being something plain and Midwestern like Wendy or Martha or Gretchen. She posed for pictures with beauty queens, too. [PoloContacts] [PoloContacts]
• 
  
• Next question: Is Michaele Salahi a compulsive liar, or is she actually delusional? On the day of the infamous State Dinner, Michaele got help from her hairstylist fixing her sari, and said she called the White House personally to ask whether her ensemble would offend the Indian delegation. Her friends asked to see the invite, but, oh my, looks like she has misplaced it, must've left it "in the limo," alas. [People]
• 
  
• On Sunday at 2:45, "a source close to" Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal told People the pair had broken up, prompting a thousand teenage screams of despair (that the golden couple had broken up) and elation (that Jake was back on the market). But then at 5:00, their reps said it wasn't true, ad a temporary rift in the teen-scream-iverse healed. [People]
• 
  
• Alleged Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel knows exactly where this mess is going, and has hired Gloria Allred, high-profile lawyer to scandal-marred female tabloid victims, from Clinton harassee Paula Jones to the family of Nicole Brown Simpson. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jamie Foxx is on Team Jacob. At the New Moon premiere, Foxx asked werewolf portrayer Taylor Lautner to pose with him for a photograph because "my daughter is a huge fan, and I'm a huge fan." If I had to hazard a guess, that last part probably wasn't true, but it's cute that Taylor got excited. Before we turn them into leathery wizened celebubots, teen stars can be so sweet. [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• "Tila Tequila's Energy Secret" is an infinite stream of Red Bull parceled into 20-can tables, which is part of her rider when she strips at high-end clubs. She also won't allow herself to be photographed smoking, for hers is a sterling reputation that must not be sullied. [P6]
• 
  
• Tinsley and Topper Mortimer have reinvented romance. The hedge fund baron is so in love with his ex, he'll do anything—even fake be in love! "Topper is still into Tinsley. They talk three times a day. He has even offered to show up [on her show] if she has a date in public with another man, to help ratings. They may even get back together for ratings." It is impossible to tell where the snake's mouth ends and its tail begins. [P6]
• 
  
• Padma Lakshmi is hot and she knows it, and it's not vanity because she once dated Salmon Rushdie and knows all about metaphor: "I like me better naked. I don't mean that in a vain way... Clothes are adjectives, they are indicators. When you don't have any clothes on, it's just you, raw, and you can't hide." [P6]
• 
  
• New details about Anthony Michael Hall's alleged domestic assaullt of girlfriend Diana Falzone: Police say he "pushed, shoved, and spit" and "bit his girlfriend's forehead," the latter of which is somewhat baffling. [P6]
• 
  

Images via Polo Contacts Worldwide

The 10-second tape—which shows Ms. Tequila playing with a man's penis and then show's the man's face before ending abruptly—was put up on a free porn site. Tila says that the scene was on her laptop which was stolen about two years ago, and her lawyer is threatening to sue whoever leaked the footage (it's good sized, but not a foot—zing!).

That seems unwise, because what this tape seems to say is, "Hi, I'm Tila Tequila. This is my sex tape. This is the guy I made it with. Please pay attention to us." And this comes less than a week after she got naked and ranted on her UStream page, so she has been begging for some negative attention of the dirty variety.

We have no clue who the guy is, but he's not unattractive—well, for a dude getting his dick molested by Tila Tequila. He kind of looks like Russell Brand's hot brother. As Gawker's resident vagina expert, I can guarantee that there is no vagina in this tape. However, there is a whole lot of sadness.

If you really need to see the footage, it is on a site called 4tube.com that is very NSFW (unless you work in a Thai brothel). It is also not safe for your sanity.

• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Lady Gaga and Beyonce made a music video! It's for Beyonce song Video Phone. It alludes to Reservoir Dogs, Beyonce wears a Zorro mask and carries an assault rifle, and Gaga wanders around looking totally normal. All in all: Headtrip. Also, between this and her own video, Gaga's been showing a lot of her very, um, vampy face lately. Is it part of her campaign to convince us that she is a tranny? [fig.1, below] [MTV]
  
• 
  
• Nicole Kidman had an awesome time with her baby weight because it gave her boobs: "They're not very big, my boobs, so they just became normal size. I loved it! I felt very Woman," she told Ladies' Home Journal. But here's the thing: ShowBizSpy quotes Nicole's quote in LHJ, but when I went to LJH's website, I couldn't find the passage! It is possible that boring Nicole's boring yammering about Keith Urban caused my eyes to glaze over, rendering me temporarily illiterate during my attempt to read the profile? Does the pregnant-boob quote really exist? Inquiring minds want to know. [ShowBizSpy] [LHJ]
• 
  
• Levi Johnston dressed up as the Unabomber after his tragically not-penis-showing Playgirl shoot yesterday, but he messed up the disguise by choosing a hooded sweatshirt that said ALASKA on it. [fig.2] There are only two Alaskans in all of New York this week, and one of them is Sarah Palin, and to be her you'd have to have tits, so we know it's you, Levi, you cannot hide. UPDATE: I am informed that Levi's shirt in fact reads ALASKAN BREWING COMPANY, the beer of choice for rugged Alaskan frontiersmen. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Brangelina are designing snake-inspired jewelry for charity. The line—entitled The Protector—features silver baby spoons, an eggcup, a tooth box (eery?), and diamond-encrusted pendants and rings, all themed with coiled snakes. The proceeds will go to child education in wartorn regions, where snakes sometimes reside, but sterling silver eggcups rarely do. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Adam Lambert wants more tattoos, but he doesn't have any ideas what to ink on his body next. It's the perennial conundrum of ostentatiously "unique" vapid people: an insatiable desire to express oneself, but no dust bunnies worth expressing in one's empty little head. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• This is horrifying: Tila Tequila (93 lbs, 4'11") has submitted photographs of her black-and-blue bruised arms as evidence in her lawsuit against ex-boyfriend and NFL star Shawne Merriman (280 lbs, 6'4"). Naturally, TMZ has compiled them into a gallery, along with pictures depicting the enormous size difference between these two humans. The San Diego County D.A. never filed criminal charges against Merriman, which makes the whole case even weirder. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Spencer Pratt went on a Twitter rampage yesterday after his and wife Heidi Montag's interview with Al Roker was cut from The Today Show "due to a change in the show's schedule," according to a spokesman. Roker and Speidi sparred months ago when Al called Spencer a "jerk" on the air and Heidi almost cried. Among Spencer's myriad raging tweets: "WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?" and "is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!" I really hope whoever cut Speidi did it for the express purpose of pissing Spencer off, because the effect was pretty glorious. [NYDN] l
• 
  
• Aaron Carter owes more than one million dollars in back taxes, which is apparently why he cried so hard when he got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. How can he possibly owe this much money? There is no way he's even earned that much money in his life, is there? [TMZ]
• 
  
• Janet Jackson blames Dr. Conrad Murray for her brother's death, because he "was the one administering" the fatal propofol. She also says she found out about Michael's death after her assistant saw it on CNN and called her, which is testament either to the brutal speed of 24-hour media or the callousness of Jacko's inner circle for not calling his family members sooner. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Signs of the apocalypse: Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) says Carrie Prejean should run for political office, because she "has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors." [TMZ]
• 
  

  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

• Tila Tequila's life's been a bit hectic as of late, but we had no idea how hard she was taking it all: she's been tweeting about taking her own life because "God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there." Oh boy... Tequila also wrote that a friend stopped her from doing the deed, but she plans on doing it in two weeks. Someone help this woman. [Ace]
  
  
• A man in a thong manhandled Kate Moss at Simon Cowell's birthday and all she got for the trouble was an angry boyfriend. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tyler Perry admitted on his website that he was sexually abused as a child. No punchline there. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katie "Jordan" Price's sexy fighter boyfriend Alex Reid enjoys dressing up in women's clothing. Yes, seriously. [Mirror]
  
  
• After 22-years of strutting her stuff, Claudia Schiffer says she'll retire from the catwalk. But don't worry, she insists she'll still model for print ads, the poor dear. [The Sun]
  
  
• Guns N' Roses are being sued by some musicians who claim the band stole tracks for Chinese Democracy. If Axl and company really did steal the tracks, that's sad: it took the band about a million years to make. [NYDN]
  
  
• Police found what they're calling a suicide note penned by Ryan Jenkins, the reality star who killed himself after being accused of killing his wife, Jasmine Fiore. The note makes not mention of Fiore. [People]
  
  
• Brian Littrell, who's in a bygone band called the Backstreet Boys, has swine flu. [Us]
  
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes temporarily moved to Boston and no one cares. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Nicole Richie was hospitalized after a minor car accident. She'll be fine. [People]
  
  
• The security surrounding Michael Jackson's tomb has been "scaled back." Grave robbers, start your pillaging! [TMZ]
  
  
• President Obama never picks Democratic Sen. Bob Casey for his basketball team. See? He doesn't play partisan games. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mad Men actor Bryan Batt's marrying his boyfriend. How fabulous! [Perez]
  
  
• Lars von Trier's new movie, Antichrist, will give you a seizure and send you straight to hell. [Page Six]

Tila Tequila's maid came an hour early and it was a HUGE imposition. It just screwed up the professional attention-getter's whole day, to say nothing of her poor little dog Onyx who has to rush through her meal outdoors like some sort of ANIMAL.

San Francisco comic Heather Gold played "freak out the neighbors" with her landlady. Cool landlady!

Twitter's Evan Williams tossed a product suggestion at his old employer. The guy does have a track record, Google, although this sounds more like an Odeo than a Blogger.com.

Online brander Damien Basile rushed out a Google Wave/tsunami joke while it was still in good taste.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

Steve Krakauer of Mediaite marveled that someone spelled the name of his website wrong. We marvel when anyone manages to spell it right.

UPDATE: The original version of this post mis-spelled Steve Krakauer's name.

The New Yorker's Susan Orlean announced her marriage to Mashable's Pete Cashmore, who will presumably elevate her above her past work as a part-time farmhand.

This is why TheFrisky's Jessica Wakeman can't have nice things.

Tila Tequila welcomes a conversation with your child, however prurient.

Paris Hilton is just fulfilling her moral obligation to entertain you, people. One does not question life advice from Marilyn Monroe. Especially when everything turned out so well for her.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• As predicted, the DA dropped the charges against Shawne Merriman alleging that he'd physically abused Tila Tequila late one night last week. Because, really, when was the last time someone with the surname "Tequila" was a credible witness? Guilty until proven Herradura, at least. Meanwhile, Merriman continues on his jolly way back to the first week of the NFL season, where he will take place in a delicate sport populated by upstanding young men whose clean-cut reputation for this kind of thing moves further along. Oh, and lesson for all of you: don't go crazy on Twitter next time you get cops involved. Because it just means you're guilty or lying. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and it sounds like Merriman proposed to have a foursome with him, Tequila (Tila), and two other women, who he had over at his house when Ms. Tequila showed up. At the time, Tila went batshit like any girlfriend reasonably would, and Merriman had to restrain her, and there's a one week gossip cycle. Next. [NYP]
  
  
• She also thinks it's a conspiracy on behalf of the city of San Diego to keep Merriman on the field. Yes. Because when I think "glue that holds the San Diego Chargers" together, I definitely think of Shawn Merriman. And by that, I mean: no. [E!]
  
  
• Heh. Anna Wintour totally got stalked by fans, and maybe, some people we know on Fashion's Night Out. She's bona fide! Apparently, she kept her cool when someone screamed at her about fur and also ran in heels down the street with her team chasing her, while fans tagged along. She lost it when trying to sign a shirt—a t-shirt?!?—with a sharpie. She got pissed at her staff, but really, she should be far more concerned that she comes after an item about someone with the surname Tequila. [Page Six]
  
  
• Aw. Bill Clinton had dinner with Chelsea and Laura Ling, who he rescued by swinging into North Korea, punching Kim Jong-Il in the face, grabbing onto a vine and Euna Lee, and swinging onto safe territory. Remember that? [Page Six]
  
  
• Charlie Sheen still thinks 9/11 was masterminded by George W. Bush and other evil forces. The funny thing is, if 9/11 was an inside job, the same people who are responsible for Two and a Half Men probably have something to do with it. Evil comes in all forms. Also, Charlie Sheen, WTF are you doing hanging out with a bunch of Salinger back-pocketing conspiracy theorists? Is this what happens when you've domestically abused every possible spouse in Hollywood? Dude, go to brunch at The Griddle or something. Like, get outside, you've got the money. Seriously. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton told The View that intense pain from a wisdom teeth operation paired with mild painkiller use basically landed her in a psych ward. Basically, best excuse for going off your meds, like, ev-ar. Also: Marissa Cooper lives. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler—and again, when did this guy become a movie star?—are maybe dating or maybe not, and the daily news has more speculation, but Christ, you need to see the photo that accompanies this Daily News story about it. Too much. Seriously. Too much. Also, if we're going to hear blind speculation on the nature of a relationship we really don't care about over and over again like this, the Post and the Daily News should at least put out betting lines on it. I wouldn't feel too bad making money over this. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mayor Bloomberg has Lady Gaga fever. He probably knows about the penis. [NYDN]
  
  
• Professional Today Show drunk Hoda Kotb went to Coney Island and found out there were no dressing rooms when training for her first triathlon out there. She ended up changing in her towncar. Try this one in a cab, someone. You'll end up with your face smeared into a partition and a blood-thirsty driver trying to peel you off of it. The state of private transportation in New York right now is sordid at best. [NYP]
  
  
• Jay-Z had a concert last night, and basically brought everyone in the rap business, New York, and The Electric Company out on stage with him. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of "Run This Town," celebrity hooker Ashley Dupre was on the scene with Russel Simmons last night at a screening of the ultimate Save The Dolphins documentary "The Cove" last night. She's apparently doing yoga with Russell Simmons, who is, well, doing yoga with Ashley Dupre. [NYP]
  
  
• Tom Brady and Gisele might spring New England's Great Hope from Gisele's loins sometime before the playoffs, which would be great, because it might take Brady out of a late-season game that could inevitably help push ahead other fantasy owners who don't have him. Like me. Meanwhile, since Boston's ACLS chances are fucked, this is basically all they have to look forward to. Brady's kid's going to have the best childcare in the world. [NYDN]

• Gwyneth Paltrow's cup runneth over during a security check in Barcelona. Translation: he tits were popping out like something awful. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sorry, world, but Megan Fox insists she'll never have a sex tape. Not one that you'll see, at least, which we find kind of surprising. [Us]
  
  
• An Italian reporter stripped down and begged George Clooney for a kiss. He was rebuffed. [E!]
  
  
• It will please you all to know that Jennifer Aniston still believes in love. Whether the elusive emotion still believes in her remains to be seen. [NYDN]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will offer a tribute to her late brother at MTV's VMA awards. Sources say she's not only looking to honor Michael's memory, but also to make the world forget her Superbowl nip slip. [MSNBC]
  
  
• You know how conservatives are always crying, "Think of the children?" Well that's exactly what CNN Airport network did when they banned a PeTA advert in which Pamela Anderson strips passengers of their cruel, animal haberdashery. Said the network to PeTA, "[we're] particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports." [Page Six]
  
  
• Shawne Merriman's ex-girlfriend joined his side in the Tila Tequila domestic violence battle. The woman, Gloria Velez, insists Merriman never laid a hand on her. [TMZ]
  
  
• Chris Robinson, the Black Crowes singer best known for once marrying Kate Hudson, has impregnated another, far less famous woman. [Star]
  place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Hudson's wearing a diamond ring, which has some people wondering if she'll marry A-Rod, but we think it will never happen, because, you know, it just won't. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, the Dolce and Gabbana flack accused of hacking into interior designer Nina Freudenberger's voicemail, has the strong support of her former boyfriend, hotelist Jason Pomeranc. He calls her a "great girl" and insists the alleged crime was nothing but "playful." Aren't ex-boyfriends the best?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bet.com's former executive editor, Andreas Hale has loads to say about his former employers, and is currently taking on "the unprofessionalism, the tomfoolery, the favors, the misappropriation of resources, the bad ideas that reinforce negative stereotypes" that run rampant across the site's team. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy are getting along swimmingly and even finding time to dine with Kevin Federline. Can you believe we just wrote that without puking all over the place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aww! Sexually ambigious singer Mika invited all of his Twitter friends to a bar to get trashed and then he paid the £25,000 tab. [The Sun]

Tequila had a lot to say after this weekend's attack, especially about Merriman and his attorney's allegations that she was drunk at the time and that they were trying to prevent a DUI, to which she tweeted that she was allergic to the hooch and, therefore, could not have been inebriated. We would link to said tweet, but the page doesn't exist. Nor do her other personal musings on the matter.

Apparently Tequila realized she needed more sophisticated help and has hired a lawyer. Never fear, because he's furthering her earlier assertions and, because he and his client are immune to "black pot" politics, calls Merriman's efforts "spin:"

Shawne Merriman and his advisors have decided that the best defense is a good offense, attacking Tila Tequila in the press with a lot of calculated spin to cover up his illegal and indefensible actions.
...
Once the truth is fully revealed, Mr. Merriman's fantastic story of how he was trying to keep Ms. Tequila safe will be completely discredited.

No one, especially a woman, should ever have to endure what Mr. Merriman did to Tila Tequila.

That is definitely true. It's also true that — and we say this knowing some may be upset — Tequila, who made a name for herself first on MySpace and then on a bisexually charged reality show, will have an uphill battle making a good name for herself.

We can't say what happened between her and Merriman, but we can say that the public, though sympathetic to victims of domestic violence, doesn't have the best track record of siding with people in her position. This is a good, rational start, though, and we hope the truth prevails — and not on Twitter.

Tequila obviously feels the need to defend herself from Merriman, who, through his lawyer, released a statement claiming he was trying to stop a booze-saturated Tequila from driving drunk:

At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided. We would all do our best to help a friend if we considered their actions to be detrimental to their personal safety.

See? That's how you do it: you create shadows of doubt by making yourself look like the do-gooder maligned by a drunken terror. Tequila should take note, for her brand of mudslinging is coming off a bit, well, unhinged.

Taking on Merriman's claims that she was drunk at the time of the incident, Tequila tweeted:

I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila 'Tequila' cuz the irony. I can't drink.

As happens in the high-speed age of technology, it wasn't long until that story was called into question, what with the owner of the nightclub where it went down described Tequila as "visibly intoxicated."

But no matter, because Tequila's not only defending herself: she's totally going on the offensive against Merriman, and posted this vague, possibly defamatory message: "Steroid use makes people act aggressive....known fact." She also linked to an article on the subject.

Honestly, Ms. Tequila, you need to learn when to step back from the keyboard and let someone else do the talking. You're not exactly the most respected woman in the news, so if you want to garner public favor, you should exercise some restraint. But what do we know? We've never had a reality show.

Tila Tequila (née Tila Nguyen)—the MySpace sensation turned metasexual MTV reality star—has been dating Merriman for a while, now. She signed a citizens arrest warrant sometime around 3AM last night after calling cops, accusing Merriman of battery and false imprisonment at Merriman's house. San Diego Charger Merriman's been taken into police custody; Tequila went to the hospital and was recently released. NBC Sports estimates that

...because he's a first offender, there's a chance that neither the league nor the team will act until the legal process plays itself out.

Interestingly enough, ESPN rushed to the story on this one. They certainly didn't have a problem holding out on Ben Roethlisberger's rape allegations. They cited the reason for that one as lacking an official criminal complaint, but given Deadspin's breakdown of the accusations against him, ESPN's Innocent-Until-Proven-Black policy remains in full effect.

Tequila's been out of the spotlight for a while, and this is definitely going to put her back in it. Public opinion of her's going to be interesting, given that (A) this is the male-dominated sports community looking at (B) someone who's lived their life as a sex symbol and (C) has lied time and time again about her sexual orientation for profit. Also of interest: the photos TMZ has before the spat of Tequila giving Merriman a lap dance earlier in the night.

Finally, domestic abuse scandals: two's a trend? This one's gonna get ugly. Don't bother reading the comments on TMZ or on Twitter about this. You won't like what you'll see. These things bring out the worst in people: primal reactions elicit primal opinions. Or as one TMZ commenter put it:

23. While I don't know exactly how it went down, I do know that Tila Tequila is a grade A narcissistic beeyotch. I'm 90% sure she deserved what happened. Kudos to Merriman for having the balls to set her straight. Maybe she will act a little less annoying going forward.

Posted at 1:40PM on Sep 6th 2009 by Charles

Ugh.

Though she once praised Twitter, Lacy has since become disillusioned by the amount of skin-centric span that's clogging her and her friends' feeds. Yes, there are ways to block the site's cabal of sluts, but Lacy argues it's far too hard, so she's offering Twitter her own advice — and knocks Tila Tequila in the process:

There's no reason why Twitter shouldn't be catching spam, or at least making it easier to report.

Unless, of course, Twitter wants to be the new MySpace (NWS). After all, a lot of that site's early growth came from call girls, strippers, and purveyors of porn. Tila Tequila, who has been pictured in Playboy, Penthouse, and other publications, even got an MTV show out of MySpace.... If Twitter wants growth for the sake of growth, porn will do that.

But knowing the founders, my guess is that the site doesn't want that kind of success. Lewd content helped hobble MySpace's advertising efforts.

With The Olds leading the Twitter revolution, Lacy insists the site do something about this madness or face the consequences. But we say there's a far easier solution: don't "follow" or click on links to people you don't know, especially if they have whorish names like "Kiki" or "Cocoa" or feature pictures of bikini-covered breasts.

Even if Lacy and other worried people do leave the site, it shows no signs of slowing down, especially since a federal judge just launched a page that educates kids on civics and DePaul University is offering a class all about the site. If anything, Lacy's arguments will only help the site: you're nobody until somebody tries to stir up a frenzy of "family values" outrage.

• Most Talented Person Ever Justin Timberlake and his girlfriend Jessica Biel are having relationship issues. Celebrities! They're just like us. Seriously. They are just like us. If Justin Timberlake can't make certain relationships work, nobody can! That has to be comforting. The difference being that if I were Justin Timberlake, I would just dance a bunch and then go get wasted at a bar and hop on the keys and play "Seniorita" until I find some random drunkass girl to take home with me - not to sleep with, just to show up with - and piss Jessica Biel off and be like, yeah, that's right, I'm still Justin Timberlake, what. of. it. But this is why I write for Gawker on weekends and he is Justin Timberlake, because he'd probably never do that, or if he did, it'd be far more vindictive and awesome than just bringing home some drunk girl from Pianos who will probably just puke on my shoes. Sigh. One day. [NYDN]
  
  
• Beef of the Week: Michael Bay Vs. Megan Fox. Fox argues that Transformers 2: Robots Go Smoosh isn't about the thespians so much as the giant robots breaking everything ("I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."). Bay disagrees! "Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did Transformers — and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys." Okay, except, Cage had done a bunch of stuff before 1996's The Rock, including 1995's Leaving Las Vegas, for which he won an Oscar. Affleck also won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting pre-Armegeddon, and was pretty great in Chasing Amy. Will Smith had Fresh Prince and Martin Lawrence had Martin long before Bad Boys. So, while they weren't Michael Bay stars, they were probably well on their way, regardless. Either way: damn, Gina! [US Weekly]
  
  
• And on the other side of the universe, pretty much through the Stargate of celebrity relationship issues, Gary Coleman's wife freaked out and trashed his bedroom. She was arrested on some kind of "fucking with Gary Coleman" statute they voted into law in Utah, I believe. Now, there's nothing funny about domestic violence no matter who it happens to, but: she's 5"5 and 23 but looks like she's 12 to his 4"8 and 41. Gary's pullin' em young! They met on the set of this Mormon movie (also starring: Clint Howard, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Fred Willard) reconciled on Divorce Court - that's still on? Jesus. - and now, here they are. [NYDN]
  
  
• Liza Minelli's manager has some serious mob ties. I know, I know: a bunch of you are going to be like BURYING THE LEDE! and I kind of am, here, but come on, it's not like it's unexpected. Also, how is the She-Ra of New York Theater Geighs somehow tied to mobsters? Could these two worlds be any further apart? Back through the Stargate. Also: money! [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox went out for dinner with Zac Efron and all these celebrity tabloids are like OMFG we just don't get her, but really, are you surprised? The comprehension of complex relationships and friendships that often get blurry in grey areas is far beyond your average tabloid consumer, assumes the average tabloid writer. Maybe she just likes a variety of dinner companions, you know? I do. [E!]
  
  
• Ron Perelman, Diddy, Jerry Della Femina aren't throwing down on their infamous parties this summer. Femina and Perelman canceled them all together, Diddy's taking his "White Party" to L.A. where wearing white really isn't that big of a deal because those freaks have sunshine most days, whereas we're not ever getting a fully legit summer. You know climate change in New York is bad when you begin to miss the faint smell of aged piss every time you take the Subway in July. Oh, yeah: he's teaming up with Ashton Kutcher to throw down in LA. Strange? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna's awesome: she inked up her tattoo artist (name: "Bang Bang") and two of his tattoo artist friends. She gave them umbrellas with a capital "R" underneath it. [E!]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli did some kind of Victoria's Secret shoot with Aerosmith. Guess who was wearing the panties? Come on, guess. If your answer was "Tom Hamilton," you're wrong. [Egotastic]
  
  
• There was some kind of freaky Twilight convention for fans of the series where they decended on this small Washington town to figure out where the characters of the books - not even the actors of the movie, but the characters of the books - took a shit or put out a cigarette or whatever. Even Stephanie Meyer was like, all y'all are nuts, and then she counted a bunch of her Vampire Duckets. Twilight fans are so weird. It's understandable if you're a Harry Potter fan; at least then you get to go to Foggy London Town and play with magic. Twilight fanatics are just a bunch of sexually repressed fetishists. Sorry, it's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• MySpace Celebrity Tila Tequila is writing amicus briefs now or something. She's still trying to convince people she's a lesbian, I guess. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was probably doing blow in the bathroom of some club and someone's surprised. [NYDN]
  
  
• I didn't really care about the Jonas Brothers before - and I still don't, really, at least not until one of them bounds out of the closet or Bonus Jonas starts a West Coast Gangster Rap supergroup consisting of him, Junior Mafia, The Game, and Mack 10 - but apparently one of them is marrying some nice girl from Jersey who's a "former hairdresser." This is kind of great if it isn't a carefully orchestrated stunt by Disney PR. Even if it is, the kid's finally going to get laid with the "legal" removal of his purity ring. Everyone wins. [NYDN]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are still assholes. [NYDN]

• Nadya Suleman's mother is so over babysitting Nadya's original six kids so she can visit the other eight. She also thinks the kids should be given up for adoption. Meanwhile, Nadya thinks the hospital might not release the octuplets to her. [Us]
• Been laid off? Mr. T says you should "man up," "keep trying" and stop "crying like a baby." Also, "knock a fool out," but only when necessary. [Mirror]
• Tila Tequila wants Christian Bale to verbally abuse her. Assuming that will get her a headline. Score! [Us]
• Sumner Redstone still attends events with the wife he divorced in October, amid rumors he was hanging around with the ex prior to her.
• Derek Jeter helped his 22-year-old girlfriend tighten her ass with a program of guided gym workouts. It was actually her idea, so try and figure out who' using who. [Gatecrasher]
• Jodie Foster was clocked going 54 miles per hour in a 35 zone in Beverly Hils. In a Prius, because she cares about the environment. Only broadly speaking, apparently. [P6]
• Rachel Ray is poised to be just as obnoxious, untalented and out of place at South by Southwest as she is on the Food Network. [P6]
• Rihanna was photographed on a beach in Mexico. Looking unhappy, obviously. [Mail]
• Guy Ritchie calls ex-wife Madonna "It," supposedly. [Sun]
• Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen married in a stealth ceremony in Santa Monica last night. Due to time zone issues, British tabloids could only take pictures of cardboard cutouts of the couple.

The dotcom heiress is best known for being Lindsay Lohan's first same-sex fling, before the actress hooked up with Sam Ronson and Semel moved on to Tequila. (She's also got a violent streak, and swears like a venture capitalist!) She showed up at a Los Angeles Borders for a book signing to promote Hooking Up With Tila Tequila. (With that title, shouldn't Semel herself have been the author?)

Socialite Life has a clip that's sure to leave you diabetic. "She's not here to beat up any fans," Tequila explains. "I'm just here to get my book signed," says Semel. Then they coo and hug and kiss, all for the cameras. Interviewed alone, Semel says she attended the event "to support my girlfriend" and that "she couldn't put the book down, for somebody with, like, major ADD problems ..." ADD problems? It's a mystery why her dad never got her a job at Yahoo. She would have fit right in.

• Val Kilmer announced that he's officially thinking about maybe running for governor of New Mexico. Once he bounces the idea off some political types. [Post]
• Kevin Bacon, presented without comment: "The men's room is always the best place to meet your admirers." [Post]
• If you got a late-night text from Paula Abdul saying "Peace has begun," don't worry, she was just drunk on Hope. [People]
• Breaking: Tila Tequila is an attention hog and probably straight! [X17]
• You're getting a Sex And The City movie sequel whether you like it or not. [OK!]
• If you see Naomi Campbell in the airport, being escorted past security, booing is a perfectly legal and appropriate response. And thanks to the heavily armed guards, it's probably safe, as well. [R&M]
• Sean Combs turned more than 60 people away from his party for not wearing "presidential attire." [R&M]
• Hollywood producer of superhero movies is busted for drunk driving, avoids jail sentence with just 40 hours of community service. So logically he screws it up and only does four. Excellent work, Jon Peters. [P6]

Gossip column Page Six spotted Tequila "hooking up" with Justin Long, best known for his role as a Mac in Apple commercials, at a Vegas nightclub on Halloween. Will the Mac preference stick? Who knows, but according the a New York Post spy, Long reportedly "asked her [Tequila] to straddle him while making out." What would John Hodgman have to say about this? (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Cirque du Soleil)