That's right, last night during the disastrous season six finale, Lifetime announced that season seven will debut on the network the second week in January. It's a good thing too, because after this awful, rushed season, both Lifetime and Bunim/Murray, who produces the show, need to show that they can make a good season. Maybe season six was like the muslin version of a gown that a couturier makes so she can figure out what she's doing and next season will be the finished red-carpet ready product. Let's hope.

So, onto last night's finale. Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah all showed their 13-look collections in Bryant Park during fashion week (way back in February). We actually found some things to love about it, but first:

Things We Hate:

• Crying: Everyone cried. Althea cried, Carol Hannah cried, Irina cried, Irina's parents cried, Tim Gunn cried into his handkerchief backstage that he still has three seasons left on his contract. Everyone cried except Cry-stopher, which was strange. We love drama, but all this excessive crying just makes us want to, well, weep.
• The Other Designers: We didn't even like Logan, Cry-stopher, and Gordana before they were kicked off, and we don't want to see them around again. They really had nothing to add. If the producers wanted to do something interesting, they would have brought back the first three designers kicked off. They all sucked! Imagine weeping Carol Hannah having to deal with Malvin of egg dress fame. Awesome.
• Cry-stopher's Eyebrows: While we're at it, let's talk about Cry-stopher some more, because his eyebrows were so drawn on, he looked like a third-rate drag queen doing an impersonation of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, but without the camp. And why, for fuck's sake, didn't he go to the L'Oreal Paris Make Up room to have them at least draw them on symmetrically.
• Fake Introductions: We all know that the final collections were filmed back in February when the show was still embroiled in about 23 different lawsuits and they were trying to keep production details a big secret. All the press accounts of the runway show mention that the designers made no appearances at all. So, what was up with the fake introductions they each gave their collection? Did they assemble a faux audience and recreate the set and film the introductions then? Or did they do it later that day, but with a cast of extras instead of the general public and a bunch of media types? And did they think that we wouldn't notice?
• Irina Invented the Smokey Eye: It really irked us when Irina accused Althea of stealing her makeup scheme for the final show. As if she just heard what Irina wanted and copied her. Oh, because smudged makeup has never been done before ever in the history of fashion or the world. You made it up, Irina! We know you think otherwise, but you are not original. You didn't invent any of the ideas you have accused Althea of stealing. And all of fashion, like most other art, is about stealing and reappropriating anyway. And this coming from a girl who stole T-shirt designs—twice!
• Heidi's Pink Outfit: It wasn't as horrible as the pink ruffle shirt and sparkly biker shorts she wore earlier in the season, but it looks—as Ms. Kors would say—very mother of the bride. Actually we think Endora wore it to a wedding once on Bewitched.
• No Celebrities: We've said this before, but part of the move to L.A. was supposed to be about getting great celebs as guests and judges. Who do they get for the finale? Suzy Menkes! Who? Exactly. Suzy is great and all (see below), but in the past we had Parker Posey, Debra Messing, Posh Spice, people who have great style and a little bit of pizazz. Suzy has the cred and would have been a great replacement for one of the two frequent absentee judges this season, but she is no finale judge. And if you're going to have another horrible year in L.A., then we want to see some serious star wattage!
• Cohesion: Making a collection of clothes that has cohesion is kind of like creating a concept album—the only people who care about it are industry types. It's not like there are women marching around who buy entire collections or want all their clothes for a season to look like they "tell a story." When everyone is downloading singles, who cares how all the songs sound together on an album? "Cohesion" is some bullshit that the fashion industrial complex cooked up and holds designers to when no one else really cares about it. The only time it looks good is in the 20 minutes when everything walks down the runway.
• No Color: Would it have killed you guys to do something other than shades of drab? Your collections all looked about as washed out as Tim Gunn after three weeks of swine flu!
• Nothing Stands Out: After watching the finale last night, I was thinking about the ghosts of finales of seasons past. Remember Jay McCarroll's multicolored tier tatter dress, Chloe Dao's sculpted satin gem-tone sheath, Daniel V's brown dress with the little embellished flap on the boobs, Santino Rice's babydolls with the breasts flying about, Laura Bennet's glamorous bedazzling, Michael Knight's mess of an urban collection, Christian Siriano's brown and white ruffled ball, Chris March's dresses made of human hair, Jillian Lewis' knits with the poodle tail sleeves, Kenley Collin's retro gowns, and Leanne Marshall's waves? Remember those? I can recall each of those collections distinctly from memory. I couldn't even describe one thing I saw last night other than Irina's stupid hats and Carol Hannah's lilac buttplug dress. That makes me sad.

Things We Loved:

• Tim Gunn Freaking Out: Finally, all the stress of the shitty season got to Grampa Gunn and he snapped. Brilliant. More about it in the videos.
• Jaslene!: Our favorite moment of every television year is when there is complete trashy fashion reality show synergy and contestants from America's Next Top Model strut the runway on Project Runway. The only one we noticed last night was the Cha-Cha Diva herself (and one of our favorite Top Models ever) Jaslene Gonzalez. One is more than enough.
• Suzy Menkes: Now we feel a little bad for picking on Suzy Menkes, the legendary fashion journalist and International Herald Tribune fashion editor. It wasn't fair to not tell us who she is and put her in front of the camera with There's Something About Mary hair and a sparkly gold coat. Of course we were going to crack jokes. We know she is a great writer and deserves all of our respect, but had no clue what she looked like. It's not fair to put her out like that without an id. Don't do that to poor Suzy Menkes. Make her look good.
• Ari Fish's Look: Remember Ari? She was the first one kicked off this season. While Nicolas was at the runway show looking like Pudgy Kurt Cobain as always and Shirina was wearing some gypsy costume from last Halloween, Ari had totally reinvented herself. She looked like a cross between Isabella Blow and Boy George playing Leigh Bowery in Taboo. Genius!
• Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Hate's Irina's Collection: Did you see the stink eye that NGFDMCM gave Irina on the runway last night? When she saw that everything was black she said, "We talked about that," like she was the disappointed mother of a daughter who keeps wetting the bed. Then she told Irina that black never gets any editorial coverage. Looks like someone's spread in Marie Claire magazine will be begrudging.
• Lifetime's Commercials: Lady vitamins, pregnancy tests, fat Carrie Fisher, the horrible Georgia O'Keefe Paints Vagina Flowers Lifetime movie promos, cleaning products, tampons—this is what we had to endure being hawked during the commercial breaks, and it provided some wonderfully easy targets. Thanks Lifetime. Also, you made up for it with the trailer for The 12 Men of Christmas. Kristen Chenoweth starring in a movie about making a naked calendar with hot guys? Oh yes, my gay ass will be tuning in, without any irony and a big fat smile on my face.
• Michael Kors Says "Bravo Guys": Was it an intentional dig at Lifetime by bringing up the show's old network? We don't think so, but it was a perfect bitchy end to this horrible season.

So, in the end, as we accuately predicted Irina won for her crappy black collection with ugly hats. Rather than talk about the clothes, go watch the full collections in the videos. How quickly can we forget that this season ever happened? We hope it's sometime around Sunday afternoon, because we want to get back to loving Runway.

For the last time until 2010, let's sashay and chanter our way to the videos.

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Carol Hannah is sick and trying to finish her collection and snaps under the pressure. Thankfully Cry-stopher is there for a shoulder to cry on.
Vision: That she's not going to make it through, and that Cry-stopher and his eyebrows can help her.
Delusion: Of course she'll make it. She's a can-do kid. This was the one moment of real emotion we felt all season. She may not be the greatest designer, but this is a highlight of her young life, and to have it ruined by circumstances beyond her control really sucks. We're glad she made it work.
What Would Nina Say: "Get it togther!"
Dramometer: 10

Under the Gunn
Context: All the girls are late getting their models ready and Grampa Gunn freaks out. He does it in the same way that our high school Latin teacher, Sister Nicotena of the Holy Smoke, used to, where she barely raises her voice, but manages to shame everyone into submission and make them feel like 20,000 monkeys just took a shit on their heads.
Vision: That he can get these looks ready for the runway.
Delusion: The only way to make any of these models acceptable is if Gunn goes back and redesigns every collection himself.
What Would Nina Say: "You should have screamed louder."
Dramometer: 8

Althea's Collection
Context: Here is the finished product.
Vision: The future.
Delusion: There is nothing futuristic about any of these pieces. In fact, you can buy most of them right now at Express—on the sale rack.
What Would Nina Say: "I would put that suit in my magazine. But you won't let me, because you chose another winner."
Dramometer: 0

Carol Hannah's Collection
Context: Here are here 12 disparate looks. A couple of them we actually like.
Vision: Making a bunch of really great clothes, even if they are disconnected, will win the prize. Also, lilac buttplugs.
Delusion: That these fashion types don't care about "cohesion."
What Would Nina Say: "Can we take another look at Althea's?"
Dramometer: 0

Irina Won for This
Context: The most original collection ever on the face of the earth.
Vision: Black, black, black, brown, more black, and hats. It's like armor!
Delusion: The only thing we have to guard against is our eyes ever seeing something like this ever again.
What Would Nina Say: "All black will get no editorial coverage, even though my magazine is contractually obligated to cover it."
Dramometer: 0

To view both options, click here. Then cast your vote in the comments section below this post. That's the place where (as veterans of this feature know) tonight's live blog will take place, created as a group effort by the Gawker commenting community. The results are always funny and entertaining, no matter how lame a season (like this one) may be. As evidence, click here to view a sampling of some of the brilliant comments y'all posted last week. Highlights from that edition included the following:

• Carol Hannah puked a lot. If she ever ate Froot Loops before doing that, it might mark the first time any of these finalists produced something with some color in it.
• Commenter swedishcouscous theorized that Carol Hannah hugged Christopher just to give him her stomach bug and keep him out of the workroom.
• Seeing Tim Gunn in an apron made us happy. Seeing Tim Gunn dance did not. I guess that means our reaction would be neutral if Tim Gunn donned an apron and started dancing around in it.
• Commenter Old Ocho theorized thusly: "Irina is clearly the lost Kardashian sister. Self-important. Dead behind the eyes. Of Asia Minor descent. It all makes sense! I'll bet her name is really Kirina."

As for tonight's episode (which starts at 10 Eastern on Lifetime), I don't have a "things to watch for as we live-blog" list because Lifetime didn't send me the usual "highlight reel" DVD this week—perhaps because tonight's episode has no highlights, and they saw no point in sending me a DVD with nothing on it. But I do know that there's one genuinely interesting aspect to this season's final runway show: The finalists had to show their collections "anonymously"—that is, they had to hide backstage to keep their identities a secret from the audience as their collections were shown. You see, back in February, when tonight's runway show was actually taped, they had to avoid revealing any designer identities to the public because the season was still in legal limbo. But Lifetime will want to pretend the Bravo lawsuit never happened, so I doubt they'll allude to any of that in tonight's episode. Instead, they'll probably end Project Runway's least interesting season by editing out what was the one truly interesting thing about it.

So this season sucked, as we all know — but I, ever the optimist, am determined to believe that next season will be better. In fact, Lifetime seems to suggest as much in its announcement about next season, which stresses that (1) the show will be back in New York City, and (2) Michael Kors and Nina Garcia [Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine] will appear in every episode. They might as well have added: "It won't suck as much—we promise!" They also say next season will start in "early 2010," so I'm guessing we'll probably meet again for next season's premiere (assuming the folks at Gawker let us do this again) very soon after New Year's Day. And then we can all take a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

And ever if there were a group I'd want to take a cup o' kindness with, it'd be with you folks who live blog with me here every week. Because you all are what makes this thing special, and I'm damn glad to have gotten to know you.

In fact, I think maybe I'll go take a cup o' kindness right this minute. Or maybe two. You know … just for auld lang syne.

But there isn't really any suspense during the preparations for Bryant Park because hardly anyone watching the show cares about who the winner is. It's going to be one of three bland and visionless designers. The only interest we have in the final runway shows is that it will mark the end of our torture, and like a reality TV POW, we will take our first tentative steps from the cage of this season, blinking in the light and viciously stumbling toward the next season hoping that it has a warm bowl of soup and a phone call from home. Being the "finale" there was no challenge, it was just a lot of Tim Gunn, which was great, and designer whining, which was not.

Things We Hated:

• Two Part "Finales": This does not really exist. It's sort of like having a two-part execution. Either the thing is over or it's not. In this case, it is sadly not over. Instead of knowing who the winner is and putting this behind us, we had all the wind up and none of the pitch last night. It was not part one of the finale. It was the second to last show. Don't even try your marketing mojo on the angry villiagers that are PR fans. We are sitting outside Lifetimes offices with torches and pitchforks and just hurtling this Frankenstein monster of an ending to come lurching toward us is not going to calm us down.
• Tim Meets the Family: This was originally a great feature, when Tim would go visit the designers at home and learn a bit about them and where they came from. Now it's a stunt for Tim to engage in some fake shenanigans for the camera. You made Tim Gunn utter the phrase, "I love a kitchen!" and for that, we will never forgive you.
• The Lilac Buttplug: Did anyone else notice that Carol Hannah is constructing a dress that looks exactly like a purple buttplug? And shame on Tim Gunn as the only gay standing not to mention it, because you know Ms. Kors has been waiting six seasons just to screech, "That thing looks like a lilac buttplug" from his judges chair.
• Self-Taught Designers: Sure, there must be some out there who do some good, but they're never on Runway. Whenever someone is self taught, they just don't have the goods to make it all the way through until the end. Hear that, Carol Hannah. It can't be that hard to go to fashion school. You don't have to get an MFA at Parsons, but if Christopher had gone to design school, he would probably be a working fashion designer right now, not some kid with a bad beard who cries alot and still lives in Minnesota.
• Irina's Yippie Dog, Princess: There is nothing worse than a bitch with a tiny little dog. We doubly hate Irina's dog because as soon as that little ball of dryer lint attacked Tim Gunn it was just so obvious that she would have one. Way to break the mold, Irina.
• Coney Island Design Gate: OK, so Irina can't use designs of Coney Island landmarks in her collection because they are trademarked designs, but Lifetime can clearly show them on the air? Did they call up whoever made that sketch and get him to sign a waiver or was that some lame last-ditch effort to try to work some scandal into the proceedings (a la Kara Saun not paying for her shoes or Jeffrey Sebelia maybe not doing all his own sewing).
• No Tension: There is just no tension in the work room at all. The surprise twist to make a 13th look was utterly predictable, as was bringing back the old designers to "help." No one has any serious problems with their clothing or is under serious time constraints and there are no model casting mishaps. There is just nothing compelling about this whole situation.
• Judges in the Work Room: Last night Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine were behaving like parents who have joint custody of the kids but keep skipping their weekends and so they show up with a really elaborate gift to make the kids love them again. Guys, showing up to give the designers crappy "advice" before their runway show isn't going to make us like you, and it's not going to make you remember their names since you've been gone all season! Also, MK and NGFDMCM should not be slumming with no talent hacks like these. Their job is to talk trash about their cockamamie couture, not to nuture them.

Things We Loved:

• A Stitch in Time Saves Nine: The most enjoyable part of the whole hour was during the commercials when an extended trailer for the upcoming movie musical Nine completely transfixed us for two minutes. This is what Runway used to do, transport us to a world where we could see very fabulous and glamorous people doing miraculous things. We could peek behind the scenes and see how fashion was made, and by doing so, we were a part of it, like the magic of the runway was some somehow oozing out the television set and we were all little Carol Annes—our hands tingling with static next to the screen waiting to be sucked into the light and delivered from mundane existence for good. They did this with a fucking commercial!
• Being Back in New York: Just knowing the final three were back in the Big Apple made us feel happy and safe. Yes, we're Manhattan snobs. So what?
• Irina's Mom: She looks just like her daughter, but she seems fun and exciting, and was beautiful when she was young. And she didn't try to make Tim do something goofy. We like this lady.
• Althea's Boyfriend: He's cute. And keeps his mouth shut. What's not to love!
• Tim Gunn Drinking Champagne: He holds the flute by the stem with both hands very daintily, like a raccoon handling a half-eaten corn cob. It was just a moment of cute, unmanufactured beauty and quirkiness that reminded us why we love Tim Gunn. After the travesty of the home visits, we needed this.
• Swatch the Dog: The New York branch of the fabric store Mood has a dog that lives there named Swatch. He is the opposite of Irina's annoying ball of cliche. When we saw him on screen, all we could say was, "Aww." While that is a bit annoying, it's still cute.

So, in the end, we're left waiting until next week to see the final runway shows and see who wins. That means this week we're going straight to the videos! More designer stupidity ahoy!

Tim Gunn in an Apron
Context: Tim Gunn goes to Carol Hannah's friend's house in Huntington, NY ("the suburbs of New York City," ha!) and finds there her family has flown in to help them cook a southern meal. Tim Gunn has to make biscuits and they give him an apron.
Vision: To put Tim Gunn in an apron.
Delusion: To put Tim Gunn in an apron!
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. I wouldn't want to look matronly."
Dramometer: 10

Copy Catty
Context: After Tim notices that both Althea and Irina are doing huge knits, Irina accuses Althea of copying her.
Vision: Irina has the vision that she invented the oversized sweater.
Delusion: She's just wrong. She's not that original and people don't want to copy her. Also, she's using other people's prints for her T-shirt, so she should just be quiet.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "This looks like something I've seen before."
Dramometer: 8

Under the Gunn
Context: Irina explains how she changed her design after the producers told her she couldn't use a print of The Cyclone roller coaster because someone else designed it.
Vision: To write about the reasons why she loves New York on a T-shirt instead.
Delusion: That referencing Madonna will make all the queens in the audience love it.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "I went back stage during the Sticky and Sweet tour. Let me tell you, it was both sticky and sweet!"
Dramometer: 4

Old Friends
Context: To help with the surprise 13th look the designers have to make, they brought back the last three designers to be their helpers. This has never ever happened ever in the history of Runway ever. We're shocked.
Vision: That bringing back the eliminated will create some kind of drama.
Delusion: These guys were bland and boring the first time around, nothing is going to change. Also, the "help" that they could give anyone in a sewing competition is negligible.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "Isn't it great to have everyone gather round again?"
Dramometer: -167

Carol Hannah Puking
Context: Carol Hannah was late to the festivities because she had the stomach flu. After rallying all day, she's fallen ill again.
Vision: As one of the commenters on the live blog pointed out last night, that when Bunim/Murray—the company that now makes Runway and still makes The Real World—needs to create something interesting to watch, they show footage of two blondes crouched over a toilet.
Delusion: This really needs to be preceded by a hot tub scene to be effective.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "This isn't very lady-like!"
Dramometer: 5

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

If Althea, Carol Hannah, or Irina have ever seen a season of Runway before, they should know that the producers always pull something like this. If the twist is just that they have to make one more outfit, they should be more than ready for such a curveball. We would like to hope that they have to construct the whole thing out of dried cactus flowers, construction paper, and the gray hair from Tim Gunn's brush and it has to be inspired by the Anime classic Akira, but that would be way too inventive for this year. They'll probably just get more money to go spend at the fabric store and make whatever the hell they want.

Considering this season finale was filmed in 753 B.C. right after the founding of the city of Rome (or last February, which is about as long ago in fashion terms), it's amazing that it made it to light in the first place. We have seen the lackluster final collections and we even accurately predicted two out of the three finalists (Logan? What were we thinking?!). And, yes, we kind of care who wins this thing—mostly so that we can forever forget about this crappy season and move on to better things.

So, here is everything we know about the three finalists, and who we're picking to win. Let's see if we can get this right as well.

Althea Harper
Her Signature Look: Combining strips of fabrics in interesting patterns, detailed work, ill-fitting tops.
Why She Deserves to Win: She has been consistently good throughout the season and her downfall is usually that she gets too ambitious. That sucks when she has a day to make a design, but will be good when she's had months to work.
Why She Should Lose: If she is sloppy, her ambition might still work against her. Also, she plays it a little too safe. Many of her designs look the same, and not in a good way.
Is She the Winner?: No

Carol Hannah Whitfield
Her Signature Look: Dresses. Lots of dresses. Short dresses, flowy dresses, intricate dresses. But, yes, dresses.
Why She Deserves to Win: Another strong contender all season and probably the best of the three at construction.
Why She Should Lose: There's no variety at all. Also, she doesn't seem to have a clarity of vision.
Is She the Winner?: No

Irina Shabayeva
Her Signature Look: Big collars, fur, embellishments, basically anything that would make the 20-year-old girlfriend of a Russian oligarch drool.
Why She Deserves to Win: Cause she is the bitchiest and the only exciting person on this season. Also, she has a clear perspective on fashion. It's always nice and interesting, and while not groundbreaking, it is at least a point of view.
Why She Should Lose: Her taste level is sometimes a little low and her looks are sometimes not as finished as they should be.
Is She the Winner?: Yes. We put our money on Irina, even though any of the three of them could win. As designers we feel like they're on even footing, but we have a feeling her collection will be the most cutting-edge, which always takes the prize.

And that is what we got last night in an episode that was soaked in more estrogen than a barrage of commercials about tampons, pregnancy tests, and The September Issue. Thanks Lifetime. With a lack of Michael Kors (bronzer accident?) and a female replacement judge and a challenge that focused entirely on the unborn twins bathing in the glory of Rebecca Romijn's amniotic fluid, the boys really stood no chance last night, and many of them managed to fail quite spectacularly. It's not easy to make a cute outfit for a discerning lady who played a tranny on network television, especially if you have a penis. In fact we had all ladies in the top three and three nice (gay) gentlemen on the bottom. Is this how Lifetime works? Are they going to kick queers out of the fashion industry one elliptical-machine tightened ass at a time? After last night, we wouldn't blame them.

What We Hate:

• Mitchell: If this kid spent as much time sewing as he did clowning around the work room, maybe he wouldn't have sent a naked model down the runway last week and made a pair of shorts this week that looked like a fabric sling MacGyver would make out of a used poncho, a pile or rubber bands, and some bacon grease. Mitchell, as every reality show contestant ever will tell you: you are not here to make friends, you are here to win. Start acting like it.
• Spell Check: That is our affectionate name for Qristyl, who can't go to Mood without having a conniption. Last week she had to open a pair of scissors and cut her own fabric. This week she littered a table with buttons. Deep cleansing breaths, girl, it's only a fabric store. And if you piss off everyone who works there, they are not going to help you find that champagne organza that you need to make your delusional vision come true. Then you're fucked.
• Hot Tranny Meth's Model Walk: Did you see Johnny (aka Hot Tranny Meth) trying to teach his model how to walk the runway? You are not tall, black, or fierce enough to be Miss J. Stop trying. Your outfit kinda rocked this week though, so we're being kind.
• Monique Lhuillier: The replacement for Michale Kors was way too nice. That bores us. And Nina, who does not like the competition.

What We Love:

• Louise: For some reason, kooky Kenley Jr. reminds us of folk singer Susanne Vega, and that makes us love her. We take back our hatred from last week.
• Logan Shirtless: The everyone-getting-ready montage was back last night, and we got a few fleeting seconds of our beloved without his top on. It was as wonderful as walking the red carpet and having everyone scream your name repeatedly while being blinded by flashbulbs.
• Stella jokes: At one point Ra'Mon made an allusion to last season's punk-rock leatherista Stella Zotis. Genius. However, we're not sure that this is even legal. Doesn't Bravo own her likeness, creativity, and soul in this media and every media not yet created from now until Andy Cohen takes his final dirt nap? You better be careful. One Christian Siriano impersonation, and your ass will get sued!
• Skinny Models, Big Bellies: We haven't seen anything this absurd and wonderful since dropping acid at Cirque du Soleil.
• Rebecca Romijn's Heidi Impersonation: Her flirty/sassy goodbye while leaving the runway with our stalwart host was spot on, totally hilarious, and shows she gets the caricature that is Ms. Klum. We're totally team Rebecca.

In the end, there were some designers who had vision, like Shirin who won for her flowing maroon number with a wonderful waist above the baby bump (the tabloids should be damned for creating annoying alliterative idiom) and a lined jacket, which, in Runway-land means an automatic win. Also of note was our girl Althea, whose full-length navy gown looked like an awning at first, but later was tailored into something that showed off her craft and mode her model look amazing. And yes, Hot Tranny Meth pulled it out with a mid-length grey dress with contrast edging and a crazy goobledigoo on one shoulder.

But there were more who were delusional. Epperson (who we are convinced is mute, because he has not said one thing in two episodes) should have been called out for being two braid buns away from making a pregnant Princess Leia costume. Irina's dress was cute, but it had this crazy thing over half the waist that not only made the bump look huge, but also like the embylical cord was trying to grow up the mother's side. And, of course, crazy Malvin, whose concept for a mother and egg dress was just fat too extreme for the natural world. It would have done much better if it stayed in his head.

For more on that—to the videos!

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Thanks to Mitchell, Ra'mon realizes that the dress he is making is a piece of shit. He can't handle Mitchell's teasing, which he then tries to cover up with lies about how good it looks. Like Mitchell should be saying anything, because his outfit is even worse. But they laugh. Oh, these two will giggle all the way to the apocalypse.
Vision: That maybe highlighting a pregnant lady's belly with bright purple fabric wasn't the best idea.
Delusion: That maybe the judges won't notice.
What Would Nina Say?: "I noticed that your model's belly is covered in purple fabric."
Dram-ometer: 4

Under the Gunn
Context: Crazy gay installation artist Malvin would much rather make a fabric sculpture than, you know, something that a real human can wear. He comes up with chickens and eggs as a symbol for pregnant ladies. Oh, Malvin. Tim schools him, and he realizes that the only acceptable time for jodhpurs is the fox hunting number in Mame.
Vision: That listening to Tim Gunn can save him. A very wise vision.
Delusion: That his creation was worth saving.
What Would Nina Say?: "The point of clothing is to have something to wear."
Dram-ometer: 3

Runway Arrogance
Context: Despite realizing that he's making a piece of shit, Ra'mon is momentarily blinded by the apostrophe in his name and thinks that he might actually win, because his piece is different.
Vision: Doing something outside the norm will set him apart.
Delusion: Believing the reason that other people's ensembles all look the same isn't because they're doing something right, but because they are boring and that he will triumph for being a visionary. Sorry, Ra'mon. Too much delusion, not enough vision.
What Would Nina Say?: "Just because you are different doesn't make you right."
Dram-ometer: 7

Runway Arrogance Justified
Context: Shirin watches her winning creation march to victory.
Vision: Make a flattering dress, build a jacket and line it. And don't make people hate you while doing it.
Delusion: None here. Gold stars all around for Shirin.
What Would Nina Say?: Nina never gives praise. She just bows her head in acknowledgment.
Dram-ometer: There's is no drama in a home run.

Back Talk
Context: Malvin thinks the judges care about what he has to say as opposed to the clothing he just made. It is a lackluster defense, because he knows he's doomed.
Vision: If he explains, they will get it, and put him on the cover of Elle Marie Claire.
Delusion: See above.
What Would Nina Say?: See for yourself!
Dram-ometer: 3

The Cruelty of Live as Chronicled on Models of the Runway

Well, you can expect pretty much the same. Heidi will speak with her telephone operator of doom voice, Tim Gunn will gather the kids around, fashion dominatrix Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Elle Marie Claire magazine will say something bitchy, and Michael Kors will cackle his little cackle and all the children will run and hide.

Of course, they are now in L.A. at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising instead of Parsons and there's a new magazine sponsor (way to get fired, Nina!), but they will still shop at Mood and send the models to that palace of beauty, the L'Oreal Paris Makeup Room. Oh, and let us not forget about the All-Star Challenge before the premiere with all of your favorite returning contestants, and the new show Models of the Runway which follows the runway drones do something other than show off the designs. Just what, we're still not sure.

The only variable is always the contestants, who we'll all probably hate tomorrow, except for the ones we love, and we will hate them by the middle of next week.

Speaking of contestants, the finalists' collections were already shown at Fashion Week last February, so the whole world has already seen them (and you can too). There are only three, which means there is no fourth collection to throw off the dogs about who is in and who is out, or in a cruel twist of fate, there are only two finalists and Lifetime has outsmarted us all. We have a hard time believing that.

So, we peeped the looks and compared them to the designer's portfolio's on the show's site and we think we have sussed out just who we're going to be stuck with until the skinny lady sings.

Collection 1: Lots of knits and black pants and leggings. Zero color. There's a bit of inventive draping, but there are also those stupid little gloves that don't even go to the wrist. It belongs to:

Logan Neitzel, lover of John Galliano. He uses the same shiny fabrics, muted colors and over-sized flourishes. Plus, he looks like the kind of boy who would love those stupid gloves.

Collection 2: Lots of draping without a bow, flounce, belt, or asymetrical doo-dad over one shoulder that it doesn't like. It belongs to:

Viviane Westwood wannabe Althea Harper, who uses just as much embellishment and loves something over only one shoulder. Just look at the picture.

Collection 3: It is black like the tortured heart of a poet. There are lots of pants and shredded things. Oh, and stupid hats. It belongs to:

Irinia Shabayeva, who channels Jean Paul Gaultier. She also loves black, and pants and crazy-shaped pants. Though, she does look too fabulous for those hats.

Of course it's Lifetime's fault. It's the exact same show, other than the fact it's set in L.A. and now on Lifetime. Sure, the show's new network is advertising the design competition's debut in magazines and subway cars and on television, but it's not getting the traction that Bravo's campaigns always did—possibly because the ads only show host Heidi Klum and the show's mentor/mascot Tim Gunn, and not any of the contestants. Even though the finale for season six has already been filmed, it seems like we know nothing about the new batch of designers that will be bitching about bobbins starting Thursday.

Also, Bravo knew how to bring the mania up to a fever pitch. They would advertise a new season relentlessly and show marathons of previous seasons for entire weekends getting the fans back in the mood. Lifetime doesn't have that luxury. Also, we spend a lot of time watching Bravo (hello, various Housewives, Flipping Out, Top Chef, and Andy Cohen) and only tune into Lifetime to catch the odd Golden Girls rerun. Even if they did have spots for the new season, we wouldn't see them.

And just today, the channel that specializes in television for women (and gay men), sent out a press release alerting the world that Runway has a MySpace page. MySpace?! Is it 2005? A show about fashion can not afford to be out of touch. It's all about Facebook and Twitter these days. Oh, speaking of Facebook, Lifetime's version of the show is on there and has 25,413 fans whereas the Bravo seasons have 122,534 fans. Burn.

Lifetime just doesn't seem to have the street cred to carry this thing off. No matter what they do, their Runway will always be a knock off purse compared to Bravo's Louis Vuitton. It may look the same, smell the same, and even have the same logo, but we all know it came from Canal Street and there is nothing you can do to sell it as the real thing.

Or, as a huge fan of the show more succinctly told us when asked if he was excited about the new show: "L.A.? Lifetime? No."

The channel announced today that the Project Runway All-Star Challenge two-hour special will air on Thursday, August 20, right before the first episode of the sixth season of Bravo's former crown jewel and the first episode of Models of the Runway, their ill-fated attempted to beat Tyra Banks at picking America's next top clothes hanger.

Being devotees of the program, of course we have opinions about the returning cast as Tim Gunn tells them to "gather 'round" once more.

Daniel Vosovic, Season 2: Best known as the chic but unseasoned designer who won nearly every challenge his season. His clothes are as cute as he is. Odds on winning: 2-1

Santino Rice, Season 2: The greasy villian and yard sale impresario was taking interesting risks when he wasn't designing something that looked like maroon goose vomit. Odds on winning: 10-1

Jeffrey Sebelia, Season 3: The only winner to return, this tattoo-necked jerk combined rock 'n' roll and couture. We always thought he combined ug and ly, but the judges liked it. Odds on winning: 3-2

Uli Herzner, Season 3: Her flowing gowns already lost to Sebelia once, but we always thought she never got the respect she deserved. Odds on winning: 10-1

Mychael Knight, Season 3: The fan favorite was a shoo-in to win his season before his ghetto-tastic final collection shit the bed. Now he's got something to prove. Odds on Winning: 15-1

Chris March, Season 4: He got kicked off and came back only to take his human hair dresses to the final. This big boy with a big laugh won't win, but he'll be our favorite. Odds on Winning: 30-1

Sweet P, Season 4: How did she ever make it to the final? Yeah, she was charming and some of her baby doll dresses were cute, but we don't remember a single thing she made, except her frequent tears. Odds on Winning: 40-1

Korto Momolu, Season 5: She was the biggest surprise of her class, and we have a feeling that she has been thinking up some great ideas while she was sitting at home plotting her fashion revenge. Odds on Winning: 5-1

Ok!
"Real Sizes Revealed."
Guess what? Most stars are thin! Between a size 0 and size 4. The highest dress size number on this spread is a 6/8: Mariah Carey. Brooke Shields wears a jean size 29. Really hard-hitting stuff. Moving on: Jessica Biel is threatening to break up with Justin Timberlake; she was overheard saying on a phone, "I'm sick and tired of his bullshit." Although she could have been talking about her agent, or a dog. Anyway, Justin "craves guy time" and is "constantly flirting." There are two pages on Bethenny from Real Housewives, who wears a bikini and talks about her diet book. Lastly, Tim Gunn is photographed with his pants down (Fig 1). It's sort of adorable, and due to his avuncular demeanor, it's also sort of weird. He says: "I haven't been on a date in 26 years." Awww. But then he says: "It might sound selfish, but I am very happy being alone."
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for Tim Gunn (broken locks)

Life & Style
"Thin By Summer!" Margaret skipped this story but did see pictures of chicken on a plate and a person working out, so she deduces that much like ALL OTHER diet stories, this one advocates eating healthy and exercising. Moving on: "Lindsay's Back To Boys," since she hooked up with some dude named Chris Jepson at a house party in L.A. He works as a manager at Bungalow 8 in London. At the party in Hollywood, the two "disappeared into the bathroom" for 45 minutes. People were knocking on the door! LL reportedly told Mel B. that she's "back on men." The mag asks, "was she ever really into girls in the first place?" A psychologist who does not treat her explains that bisexuality means you can sometimes like dudes and sometimes like chicks. Jennifer Aniston is "holed up in her hotel" in NY because she's afraid of running into Angelina Jolie on the street or in restaurants. The mag copy reads: "Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt in her wounds." Also in the article: "The bottom line is, she's pretty lonely." A four page story addresses the burning question: "Is Robert [Pattinson] The Sexiest Man On Earth?" There are diagrams, quotes and arrows pointing to the sparkly vampire's "soulful eyes." 90210 star Kellan Lutz says: "Rob is Edward. He's so complicated, so poetic, so sensual." What else? In a two page interview with Real Housewives Jill Zarin about her breast-reduction surgery, she says "I wanted to go public with my story to show women that there is no shame in wanting to look and feel your best, as long as it's done safely." Bless you! This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Hands In Hollywood?" Rosario Dawson, 29, has "flawless, young-looking" hands. Dr. Rey says, "She probably uses a good skin cream, like Dr. Rey's Well-In-Hand." And, in a horrifying display of Frankenstein-like Photoshop, Sarah Jessica Parker is given Reese Witherspoon's hands (Fig 2).
Grade: D- (missing knob)

Star
"Rehab For Tori!" Candy Spelling says she'd be willing to pay for Tori to get treatment for anorexia. Tori has said that she is not anorexic, but that, like many busy moms, she tends to just pick food off the plate of her kid. The mag adds up the value of bits and scraps of food and comes up with 130 calories. A nutritionist who does not treat her says "If Tori is only eating 130 calories, then she is definitely not consuming enough." Really? Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are "drifting apart." Jess wants to get hitched and start a family; Justin likes things the way they are. Someone overheard Alicia Silverstone talking to Amy Heckerling and so there might be a sequel to Clueless. Blind item: "Which TV starlet is really on the rebound? She's got a new body, a new gig and even a new guy. The only problem is, he's married. She makes a show of partying solo as a distraction." Moving on: John Mayer is dating a model, Scheana Marie Jancan. There are six pages of "Stars Without Makeup" and bitchy blurbs like this: "When Miley goes out minus her red carpet war paint, she looks just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teenage girl." Britney and Kevin had a "talk" about having more babies together. Her idea. She's "seriously considering" their future together. She wants to have more kids before she gets too old so she can "relate" to them. In Brad and Angelina news, when he came back from France, he brought home an antique rocking chair and a Cartier ring for Angie: "Pre-push presents." Rihanna's best friend Melissa never liked Chris Brown and was the one who urged RiRi to stay away. But! She also urged Rihanna not to appear on Oprah and talk about domestic violence. Lastly: Star uses its art department muscle and creates a photo composite of what Susah Boyle would look like if she had a makeover [Fig 3].
Grade: D (rusted, squeaky hinges)

Us
"We're Having Baby No. 4"
Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting! Do they want a girl? "We would be happy with either, but it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl. Especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister." Also, Heidi says of Seal: "I knew right away he was my dream husband." There are six pages of awesome quotes and pictures and info about how the kids wear hand-me-downs. Next: "Would You Let Chris Brown Hold Your Baby?" Well, 67% of readers said No [Fig. 4]. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to Coachella and were spotted hugging and singing along to the music, yawn. Lastly, you may not know this, but Beyoncé, Amy Winehouse and Juliette Lewis consider Urkel fashion inspiration [Fig 5].
Grade: D+ (high threshold)

In Touch
"Brad Moves Out." This cover is not to be confused with last August's "Brad Storms Out" or May 2008's "Brad Walks Away." [Fig. 6] This particular story is vague about what Angelina and Brad were fighting about, and the fact that he left the house and went to France to check on renovations — and then came back — proves nothing. Also inside: In a picture of Mariah Carey looking curvy, a trainer who does not work with her estimates that she weighs 175 lbs. An insider says "She is going crazy trying to slim down. She looks at old pictures and compares her weight and talks about her body nonstop." Sounds healthy! Also, Oprah's straight hair is making her look thinner. Another fake wedding for Heidi and Spencer? It's supposed to happen this weekend in Pasadena. A source says, "It's just a plot line, they're not really getting married." It's happening in a church that's also a "closed set" and The Hills cast will attend. The producers want Lauren to "do something dramatic." A "pal" says of Speidi, "They would have a fake baby if people would watch them on TV." Did you know that Gavin Rossdale had a relationship with a dude in the past? The gentleman in question is a rocker known as Marilyn [Fig. 7]. Marilyn says of Gavin: "He was the love of my life. We were together 5 years, but it felt like 40." Then there are a smattering of pictures Marilyn looking like Gwen Stefani [Fig. 8] Evidence points to the fact that Gavin and Marilyn are friends. Katie Holmes is one step closer to her "baby dream" because there is a picture of her holding her stomach. In Nadya Suleman news, the mother of octuplets was indeed a stripper for at least a year in her early 20s and "enjoyed the experience a lot." She got fired from some bar because she kept breaking the "no touching" rule. But! Before that, she did private parties and was known as "the closer," the one who would do "special favors" for the men — beyond lap dancing or even touching. The mag prints a signed contract from the club, and — get this — Suleman's stripper name was Angelina. Next: Kevin Federline might get paid to lose weight, as he's been offered a deal with NutriSystem. Jennifer Love Hewitt says, "I always takes bubble baths wearing a tiara. I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara! One that I got from Disneyland." Lastly, how do you top pictures of horses with hairdos [Fig. 9]? All in all, good stuff, except for the stoopid fake cover story.
Grade: C (ripped screen)

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According to Racked:

We never saw the three finalists-just their collections. The first was urban, body-conscious, and leather-heavy; the second dramatic and feminine; and the third, which struck us as the most sophisticated, involved a lot of structured jackets, big sweaters, and Peter Pan hats.

Based on these descriptions and the photos below, we think we can safely determine the following:

Designer #1: The quiet female contestant from Des Moines, Iowa, whose designs are "urban" and "street" for some reason.
Catchphrase: "Z.X. and Candelabra got into a bitch-fight at Mood and I was just like, 'No drama, homies.' (Sigh)."

Designer #2: The older villain who channels his inability to break into the upper echelons of the fashion world into chain-smoking and less-clever-than-he-thinks put-downs.
Catchphrase: "Listen: I've designed red carpet looks for Ali Larter and Vivica A. Fox, Okaaay?"

Designer #3: The adorable, gay fan favorite.
Catchphrase: "Oh. My God. That emline-hay is SO abulous-fay!"

Also, Heidi Klum was dressed like a main character's one-shot lesbian cousin from Dynasty. That is all.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Tim Gunn talked to New York to reveal exactly how the show will go on without spoiling the eventual, held-hostage season to come:

How is this show going to work?
You'll see the whole construct of it, but needless to say, the designers whose collections are presented will not be presenting their collections THEMSELVES, because then everyone would know who they are.

Oh.
So you'll see collections from extremely talented people, but you won't be able to place the designer with the collection.

So it's just going to be a bunch of clothes?
Yeah. But not unlike any fashion show, except that you know it's Diane Von Furstenberg or Carmen Marc Valvo. In this case, you'll see the number of collections we present, but you won't know whose is whose. [...]

So it seems like no one will be able to go backstage, because then they'd see the designers, correct?
Let me put it this way: We could put all the designers in front of you in a room. You wouldn't know who they are.

Great, just what Project Runway needed: Lost-ian flash forwards that make us comb for clues all season to determine which sassy, skinny gays will put together the collections we've already seen. Add some nosebleeds, a confused Heidi Klum asking, "When are we?" and the smoke monster supplanting Fern Malis as the final judge, and we'll finally have the answer to the eternal question of "What exactly is the island?" (Manhattan, of course.)

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Tim Gunn Just As Confused About Project Runway As We Are [New York]

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Steverino_Begins' new line beats the original, After An Hour Has Passed And All The Other Kids Are Gone, Heidi Begins To Suspect That Tim Has Forgotten To Come Pick Her Up.

This morning, about 10:45am, I was returning some clothes to the Michael Kors store on Rodeo Drive when I had to cross a big picket line of shouting strikers (all male writers, WGA posters and banners) protesting "Project Runway." They had pulled the fire alarm on the nearby Valentino store also, adding to the noise of their shouting. I walked past them and the two security guards and went to enter the store, and upon opening the front door was startled to see Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum staring at me! They were obviously shooting a segment for the upcoming season, as there were lights and baffling filling the entire showroom. I quickly shut the door and ended up giving my good to a saleswoman who cam around from the back. There was a huge crowd watching all of this and taking pictures. I don't know how they are going to edit this as I'm certain the yelling and commotion could be heard inside the store.

While we sympathize with their cause, we would never condone committing illegal acts of vandalism or mischief in order to get a point across. Interrupting a location shoot with chants of "Heidi Heidi Heidi Ho! Klum and Kors have got to go!" is one thing, therefore, but setting off a neighbor's fire alarm is quite another. Besides—they could have achieved the same eardrum-lacerating effect just by having invited contestant Kenley to stand in the entranceway and talk excitedly about her new collection.

• Previously: Kenley Collins: 'Runway' Villainess Ascendant [Defamer]

Our four self-satisfied semi-finalists were Jerrell, Leanne, Korto, and the nefarious Kenley—as strong a collection as this weak ass season could hope to assemble for the storied finale. Of course Heidi came hopping onto the runway and trilled like a Bavarian songbird that oops! there was one final challenge (which turned out to be a lie, but I'll get to that later). Yes, all four fools had to design a wedding dress for their collection, and it would be assessed upon their return to New York in two months to determine which of the four would get the boot, sending the other three to competition in Bryant Park. Everyone was kinder pissed off by the idea, but of course they had no choice.

So off they went!, enormous suitcases bumbling behind them. And off our intrepid Tim sailed, as he does every season, to visit the finalists in their natural environs. First was Korto, who was working at a studio in the middle of a snake infested wood outside Little Rock. The idea of Tim Gunn in Arkansas is just... sort of beyond. But anyway! Her collection was fun and bright and "ethnic" and Tim was happy with it. He met her charming family and friends and little be-skirted daughter. Tim talking to little kids as if they were adults is also very fun.

Next up was Leanne (I think, whatever), who mucked her way back to Portland, Oregon where she lives with her cute boyfriend and her cute tandem bicycle. So she showed Timbo her collection—soft, aquatic girly waves of things. It was pretty, though the wave motif was a bit literal. Tim seemed less enthused than I thought he would be, but then he and the animal took their charming velocipede adventure and they were the bestest of friends again.

Then Jor-El who was in Los Angeles, his collection was garish and hideous and Tim met his nice family and Jor-El cried about his pop who is a truck driver and rarely home and it was a touching moment. But, again, the collection was urgly and poorly made for the usually tailor-savvy dude. Finally Tim trudged across the East river to some enclave of north Brooklyn where Kenley was holed up. What a cute apartment, Tim remarked. To which Kenley replied: "I know." Grr. She showed him her girlish, Katy Perry-esque collection of cutesy short poof dresses and it was just sort of... yeah, all right, figures. She also revealed that her grandmum was a 40's pinup which informs so much about her aesthetic.

Then it was back to midtown and some awkward moments when everyone arrived at the swanky penthouse condo. Kenley, blasé and nasally as ever, weakly apologized for "being a bitch or whatever." The rest of 'em gamely accepted her truce and got to work on the business at hand. Which, hah, as it turned out involved another challenge. They had to make a bridesmaid dress to go with their wedding gown; those two looks would determine who went on to Bryant Park and who didn't (even though, um, everyone through Joe got to do a show there). But they all persevered and no one's was really a trainwreck and Michael Kors said Kenley's dress was the "cutest damn dress" he'd ever seen and they made Korto cry and then Jerrell was sent packin'.

Honestly, it wasn't much of an episode. I'm sorry I can't be very funny about it; it's just... not much happened. It was conflict-free. The designs that we saw in full really weren't that bad. So... sigh. The really good moments came from Mr. Gunn, especially when he teared up and wished them all luck and urged them to work hard and said that he really did care about these four folks. You could tell he meant it and you just wanted to give him a big ol' hurrrg.

So yeah, I feel kind of warm about this episode. The bicycle, the crying, the exciting spirit of wedding dresses and happy occasions (and sad ones too), and new chances and new beginnings, and the largeness and sprawl of our country and the loveliness and variety within it and all the different silhouettes and shapes of people who roam it, people who can sometimes, under the strangest of circumstances, tumble together and make something wonderful, and the thrill of coming to New York and the thrill of leaving New York, and bursts of creativity and passion and the bittersweet joy of what it means to be fully alive—arms open, heart racing, chasing down big dreams alive. Which I guess, at its red satin core, is what the show is all about.

That and the Saturn family of cars. What fine automobiles.

[In this photo provided by LG Mobile Phones, designer Christian Siriano, left, and TV personality Tim Gunn, chat backstage at the LG sponsored Christian Siriano Spring 2009 Fashion show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York, Thursday, Sept. 11, 2008. Siriano was the previous season's "Project Runway" winner. (AP Photo/LG Mobile Phones) via Washington Post]

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