That's right, if the network had no faith in her when she was just a writer at Saturday Night Live who wanted to take over Weekend Update, now is the time that she's turning the knife in their side. Just watch.

"She's just a writer with zero performing experience." Good thing no one listens to those idiots at the network, because if Lorne Michaels never put her on the air, we never would have gotten 30 Rock, and then there wouldn't be even one show worth watching on the network.

Just as putting Tina on air was a great idea, putting Liz Lemon on air is an inversely horrible idea. Everyone knows this, even Jack. However, he is willing to see his cost-cutting experiment through to the end, and he has to do it without losing money. It may be reaching a little bit, but this smacks of The Jay Leno Show. Everyone thinks this bastard brainchild of studio heads is going to be a legendary catastrophe but the bullheaded network goes through with it anyway, thinking it can make some money. And what happens? Well, disaster.

Also a bit of a mess was Tracy, and this week he was trying to win Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony awards—even if he has to steal them from Whoopi Goldberg (one of only ten people to accomplish the feat).

Sure the joke might have been made at Whoopi's expense for her Daytime Emmy (she actually has two) win for The View, but the joke wasn't really on her. Oh, speaking of The View, Sherri Shepherd was on last night too. She's also a cohost on Barbara Walter's daytime reach around. Wait, what channel is that on? Oh, ABC! Way to give another network all that free advertising. They better write Kathie Lee Gifford into an upcoming episode or the network isn't going to buy Tina Fey's ham anymore.

Speaking of Ms. Fey, she was on fire last night. The shoot for her Dealbreakers opening credits had nothing to do with NBC, but if looking good is the best revenge, then being hysterical is sure a close second. Enjoy!

• Last time we heard from Mitch Winehouse, he was talking about daughter Amy's hot new rack. Now he's explaining the real reason for Amy's trip to the hospital last weekend: "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little [points to his chest] leaky something or other." Does that really happen? Brand new breasts just spring a leak? I was always under the impression you had to be skydiving into ice-cold water or boxing Layla Ali to apply enough force to bust one of those open, but then, Wino has always been somewhat impervious to the laws of physics. [Sun]
• 
  
• Demi Moore was totes photoshopped on her ragingly hot W cover. [fig.1] But, despite the overwhelming evidence, she's still denying it! [fig.2] Mrs. Ashton Kutcher retweeted several fans' defenses of her weirdly photoshopped hip, cheering "I have no hips!" and "I love the pic and can only say I wish I had good lighting like that following me around all day!! Haha" and "i am in the skinny side lately." [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Levi Johnston went to GQ's Men of the Year party and no one gave a crap about him. Apparently Hollywood isn't as into Ricky Hollywood as ol' New York is, probably because their sense of irony is weaker. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Everyone's still mad at Kate Moss for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" a couple days ago. Now activists are pulling the mommy card, since Moss has a seven-year-old daughter. Moss' modeling agency stands by her, though they are suddenly reminded why the Kate Moss policy was always "look pretty, don't open mouth." [Us]
• 
  
• John Kerry has rushed to daughter Alexandra's defense regarding yesterday's DUI arrest, and seems cautiously optimistic about his daughter's fate, since she was under the legal BAC limit and was pulled over for expired tags. TMZ says "it's unlikely prosecutors will file charges," which probably has nothing to do with My Daddy the Senator, but then again, it probably doesn't hurt. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Out editor Aaron Hicklin got pissed at Adam Lambert for faking straight too many times, and Lambert is pissed right back. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the American Idol star says Hicklin "really crossed a line," took statements "out of context," and unfairly pigeonholed him. "Not every gay man is the same gay man," Lambert said. "It's just sexuality." That's right, nobody can take your sexuality away from you, other than marketing executives with big plans for making your album go platinum with teen girls. Anyway, now that we've entered the "critical discourse on the nature of human sexuality" phase of this story, I'm officially jumping ship. Get back to me when you date someone interesting or make a sex tape, Adam. [EW]
• 
  
• Tina Fey's nefarious plot to destroy NBC continues. At an Ad Council gala the 30 Rock star joked, "NBC is sadly the fourth-place network; actually, we're in ninth place if you count the radio stations ahead of us right now." The crowd laughed uproariously and as it slowly dawned on a room full of NBC-Universal executives that they might not be in on the joke any more. [P6]
• 
  
• For her seventeenth birthday, Miley Cyrus dressed up as Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman, A.K.A., a whore. Jesus Christ, Billy Ray, rein in your daughters. [P6]
• 
  
• Top fashion model Daul Kim, a 20-year-old from South Korea, was found dead yesterday in her Paris apartment in an apparent suicide. Kim shot video diaries and had a popular blog. Her last post, dated the day before her death, read "say hi to for ever." [P6]
• 
  

Figures 1 & 2

So far the only things that are really releasing trailers are the big budget comedies and action pictures. We threw in the trailer for A Single Man even though it opens this year and it's an indie movie because we wanted everyone to think we watch more than popcorn flicks. We also watch The Hills and lots of porn. But we'll put A Single Man on our Netflix queue, but we're not promising we watch it before sending it back so that we can get The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 for the third time instead.

Here are some new(ish) trailers for upcoming movies and our snap judgments.

Date Night
Starring: Tina Fey, Steve Carell, James Franco, Marky Mark
Reminds Us Of: 48 Hours, for some strange reason.
Plot Summary: A boring suburban couple go out for a big night in the city. They impersonate another couple and all hell breaks loose.
What Looks Good: Tina Fey and Steve Carell together at last and being hilarious.
What Looks Bad: This whole over-wrought, high-concept plot seems way too over-the-top for this duo.
Final Verdict: We'll see it, but we're going to complain that it wasn't as funny as one episode of 30 Rock.

Clash of the Titans
Starring: Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Sam Worthington
Reminds Us Of: Clash of the Titans, take one.
Plot Summary: Greek gods, lots of fighting, special effects.
What Looks Good: Medusa, the giant scorpion things, the monster they ripped off from Pan's Labrynth, Sam Worthington.
What Looks Bad: Since there isn't even an iota of narrative, the story is probably going to suck. But that's not why you buy a ticket to this anyway.
Final Verdict: Our eyeballs are dancing and our brain has checked out. Sounds like a great Saturday night.

A Single Man
Starring: Colin Firth, Julianne Moore
Reminds Us Of: Mad Men, that other retro movie Julianne Moore got an Oscar nomination for, the perfume bottles on our grandmother's vanity.
Plot Summary: Based on this trailer, we have no clue. Something having to do with how sexing Julianne Moore leads Colin Firth to want to do it with young boys.
What Looks Good: Art direction, wardrobe, performances.
What Looks Bad: This trailer reeks of a movie that is 20 minutes too long.
Final Verdict: Yes, please. We go see everything Julianne Moore is in, even though she hasn't made a good movie in a long while. Also, Oscars.

Kick-Ass
Starring: Aaron Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Nicolas Cage
Reminds Us Of: Napolean Dynomite after karate class, Kevin Smith's wet dreams.
Plot Summary: A bunch of kids decide to put on costumes and become super heroes.
What Looks Good: The costumes are cute, and we bet there is going to be some great comedy.
What Looks Bad: Surprisingly this trailer does its job and makes this thing look really appealing. Good job.
Final Verdict: We're going to wait to read reviews before buying a ticket, but we're sold on the concept.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton
Reminds Us Of: Video games, that we need to go to the gym.
Plot Summary: There's a dagger that stops time and evil people want it, so a prince and his sexy lady have to go through the desert to get rid of it.
What Looks Good: The special effects, Jakey G. and his slutty princess.
What Looks Bad: The accents! The accents!
Final Verdict: This could either be Pirates of the Carribean good or The Mummy bad, both of which are pretty low bars.

Or maybe it was delayed retribution for this hilarious spot promoting Conan's move to the Tonight Show?

Either way: We missed you, Tina.

• Michael Lohan went on Maury Povich-Maury Povich? Really?-to say that there's "nothing left" of Lindsay Lohan, and that he doesn't want to see her die. Morbid! He says she called him crying hysterically after she got robbed and the Daily News reports Lohan as saying she's doing fine. Well, she got that Robert Rodriguez role, so maybe. On the other hand, he could be right, given, well, you know. Look at her. Really. When what Michael Lohan says about you -in a universe of insane, distinct possibility-might hold water, yes, you have problems. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's mom believes what she reads about him. Like OMG HE IS SO CUTE I H8 KRISTEN STEWART SO MUCH YOU GUYZZZ!!!!! Also, he's been approached by fans who want their necks bitten by him. Some people don't deserve necks. Teenagers are ridiculous; related news, I feel old. His security force has to keep fans-not even stalkers, just plain old fans-away from him. He literally has to keep women away with a stick. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Pete Wentz wants to have a "soccer team" of children. On behalf of soccer fans and the rest of civilization: don't. [People]
  
  
• The Osbourne Family's Ways to Get Drugs, Number 1,042: get a collagen injection. Nice one, Kelly. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• ARR MATEY. The Dread Pirate Rihanna wants to take you under her umbrellarrrrr. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Damn, Jon Gosselin. You are fucking up and consequently getting fucked in every possible way. TLC's suing Gosselin for breach of contract now that he's basically canceled production on TLC's "hit" show. Ha, TLC, we knew you were some evil bastards. See, TLC suing Jon costs the family money and eventually to repay all the legal fees they're going to have to go back on the show and be completely broke, and TLC's ratings go up: genius! I wonder if they'd do this to the midgets if they wanted to leave the network. Also, Kate's thinking about suing him or threatening him in court or whatever because he hacked into her email. Naturally. Also, did the Daily News just get this chyron for Jon and Kate gossip?
  

  Looks like the graphic design intern's in today. Meanwhile, welcome to #Gosselip (thank you, Sarrible). Your Jon and Kate rage-rants on how much you hate them (and/or #Gosselip specific tips) are welcome.

  [NYDN]

  
  

• People wants to know if Kevin Costner's the new David Hasselhoff. Costner's kicking off a tour with his band and will be going through Germany. David Hasselhoff would comment but he's probably drunk on the floor crying into his cheeseburger over the threat to his reign over the Rhineland or whatever. [People]
  
  
• The Kardashians are teaming up with Bebe for a clothing line. Great, but does the world need more Apple Bottom jeans than it already has? Yes, that's about Kim having a large ass, the only thing any of them are actually famous for. Oh, and her sex tape with Brandy's brother. That, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. The NYDN's big gossip story this morning is that Anna Nicole Smith took perscription meds while pregnant with Larry Birkhead's baby. Like you even needed to be reminded of this story, this is one of those things we pretty much all probably could've guessed and/or figured out on our own if we actually wanted to think about it. Which nobody did. She took methadone to offset the back pain caused by her breast implants, and also, used to drink out of baby bottles and eat baby food she kept bedside while she was pregnant (in anticipation of her baby). This all came out when Birkhead was testifying in some shady case about the shady people who gave her drugs. Meanwhile, thanks NYDN, for sucking up my morning. [NYDN]
  
  
• Upper West Sider to America: Madonna won't STFU. America to Upper West Sider: STFU obnoxious person. Complaining about Madonna being a shitty neighbor is just as obnoxious as Madonna being a shitty neighbor. [NYDN]
  
  
• Didn't know this! Tina Fey was a 24 year-old virgin. She told Letterman Wednesday night on his show, followed by a "I couldn't give it away." Who'd she give it up to? Her husband and the father of her kids. In related news, how can you not like this woman? [NYDN]
  
  
• Fred Durst is getting divorced after three months. He did it all for the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, so you can take that prenup, and stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH. Related: remember when Limp Bizkit sold records? I don't! Eternal Sunshine machine, take me awayyyyy!!!! [NYDN]

  [Photo via David Kriger/Bauer-Griffin]

In the clip above, Tina says that while she was doing the Bazaar shoot she thought, "Yeah, I look like this!" ... then they turn the wind machine off.

Below, she explains that her daughter is now old enough to pick her own Halloween costume, so the days of stuffing her in a ham sandwich costume and laughing at her are over. Tina doesn't want her to go as a "Barbie butterfly princess," but at least she doesn't want to be one of the Girls Next Door.

• Madonna once called Guy Ritchie "retarded." Now he's getting revenge by calling her "retarded," too. Shit, celebrities can be so retarded. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good! The gloves are coming off in Peter Brant's divorce from Stephanie Seymour. Court papers say that Seymour, who's famous for being a model, spends $50,000 on clothes every month and has been stealing art from the mansion she shared with Brant, who owns Interview. Yee-haw! [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love, who posts a scary amount of late night tweets, would like to thank her parents for her ass, but nothing else. [Twitter]
  
  
• Get excited, people, because Tina Fey will again impersonate Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. [NYDN]
  
  
• Conrad Murray, the doctor everyone thinks killed Michael Jackson, may be arrested after failing to show up to family court to discuss the $13,000 he owes in back child support. [ET]
  
  
• Dina Lohan has a line of shoes, which we hope will be more bearable than Lindsay's pathetic fashion line. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West loves Alexander McQueen sooo much. But in the straightest way possible, of course. [Kanye]
  
  
• Heidi Fleiss was in a "horrific" car crash back in June. Don't worry, though, she's as alright as she was before the crash, which we suppose isn't saying much, but it's something. [TMZ]
  
  
• Wow! So, Gourmet's closing's a big deal, huh? It's so big, in fact, that a cafe worker at Newark's airport recognized former editor Ruth Reichl and gave her a sandwich. If only all former Conde staffers were getting such treatment... [Page Six]

The story's murky: Citing two sources, The Wrap reported that a deal to purchase NBC Universal—which owns Universal Studios, the USA Network, Bravo, MSNBC, NBC, and a bunch of other stuff—from General Electric "had already been completed at a purchase price of $35 billion." GE has been rumored to be interested in selling NBC for ages, and Vivendi's reported intent to exercise its option to sell its 20 percent stake in the company this year could be a motivating factor for getting a deal done. Comcast, which owns cable and internet pipes but not much of the stuff that goes through them, has always wanted to own a big content company, and made a failed pass at Disney five years ago. GE makes engines and microwaves, so it never made much sense for them to own a network and studio.

But Comcast has attempted to knock the story down, saying "the report that Comcast has a deal to acquire NBC Universal is inaccurate." And while GE has officially remained silent, CNBC—which Nikki Finke suspects is acting as a mouthpiece for its corporate parent—is pouring cold water on the report as well. But NBC Universal's bullet-headed, upward-failing chief Jeff Zucker sent out a compay-wide e-mail today that took pains not to shoot the story down, saying, helpfully, "there are a number of possible things that could happen." The New York Times says that, Comcast's carefully calibrated denial notwithstanding, it is just one of many companies looking at buying Vivendi's stake in NBC Universal, but not the whole company. Billions of dollars are at stake, so you can be fairly confident that everybody is lying.

But what happens if Comcast does buy the whole hog outright? Here are a couple of potential ramifications:

Tina Fey Is Screwed:
The primary comic engine of 30 Rock is the notion of a television network being run by a cultish global microwave conglomerate. Brian Roberts, the CEO of Comcast, is a mild-mannered squash champion who lives in Philadelphia. They could get a good story arc out of the sale, but in the end, what's so funny about a show-runner clashing with cable executive? We suppose they could just pretend it didn't happen, but it's been funny because it's been true!

Bill O'Reilly is Screwed:
Ruh-roh. The hysterical crusade against GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt for personally helping Iran build a nuclear warhead sort of lacks urgency when it's not a proxy war against Keith Olbermann and MSNBC. If GE fully divests and Comcast takes over, O'Reilly loses his favorite target to lie about. Maybe Comcast gives free cable to ACORN, or something?

Jeff Zucker is Probably Not Screwed Because He Always Gets Away With It
Jeff Zucker, who personally oversaw the dismantling of one of the greatest television brands in history from the home of Seinfeld and Friends to the home of the Jay Leno Comedy Hour, should have been fired, repeatedly, years ago. But he somehow persists, and even though we'd like to speculate that Comcast's new management would seek a shake-up in order to more closely integrate NBC Universal's content into Comcast's delivery system, we won't because the guy always wins.

Other than that, NBC Universal would have to get used to having an interested, involved corporate parent that thinks it knows something about the entertainment business. Its status as the red-headed stepchild at GE afforded it some independence—GE didn't care much as long as NBC made the numbers. Comcast, on the other hand, is in the business of delivering entertainment, and probably has some ideas on how to make it. It would also of course seek to sell Universal Studio's film library via its On Demand service, and would likely try to find a way to sell all of NBC Universal's content through its internet service.

One significant area where the two companies overlap is ad sales: Right now if you're a Comcast subscriber watching USA Network, you're seeing a mix of ads sold by NBC Universal and Comcast. If a deal is completed, Comcast would in effect own all the cable ad inventory on its cable properties. And in local markets, Comcast now competes with NBC's owned-and-operated stations—they want the local car wash to buy Comcast's cable spots, not the NBC station's local news spots. That competition would go away.

Still, Comcast's shareholders aren't reacting well to speculation about the deal: It's stock is down 6% right now. And the Wall Street Journal's Martin Peers spells out why:

But there's little evidence that owning both content and distribution brings strategic value. Time Warner, in fact, only this year split its cable systems from its vast content operations. In Comcast's case, it's tough to see that having more MGM movies on demand has helped Comcast slow the inroads that phone companies have been making into its video business. And there are surely cheaper ways to prevent exclusive deals by rivals than to spend billions on an equity stake.

• Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. And how could they not? He came out singing cabaret and danced away with our undying love. Not that he didn't have it before. After this evening's turn as the show's host, we're pretty sure Harris should master the ceremonies of every Hollywood event ever. (By the way, Mediaite has the lyrics from the introductory number. Learn them. Live them. Love them.)
  
  
• Kristin Chenoweth will soon be the hardest working woman in Hollywood. The adorable actress — once known mostly to the Broadway crowd — stole the nation's heart by crying after winning best supporting actress for Pushing Daisies. The show's been canceled and Chenoweth, bless her, reminded the world that she needs a job: "I'm unemployed now, so I'd like to be on Mad Men. I also like The Office and 24."
  
  
• Tina Fey fans are upset that Toni Collette won the "best comedy actress" award for United States of Tara, which we actually enjoy. Well, Jeff Jarvis is upset, at least: the journalist and internet aficionado twittered, "best comedy actress was a crime." But, whatever, because Fey won for her SNL Sarah Palin impersonation.
  
  
• In other-SNL news, Justin Timberlake took home a trophy for his "Dick in a Box" routine. But that was announced last week, so hopefully you knew that.
  
  
• Sure, Fey didn't win, but that doesn't mean the Academy doesn't still love 30 Rock: the incredibly popular show won "best comedy series" and Alec Baldwin walked away with a "best actor" statuette. That's his second, for the record.
  
  
• Speaking of seconds: Mad Men again won "best drama series" and best writing for a drama series. Does this mean the show will continue to be a popular culture darling? Not if you ask Matthew Greenberg from True Slant — he thinks the consecutive win will alienate those who don't already watch it, because they'll think it's elitist.
  
  
• If Greenberg's right, there could also be a backlash against Glenn Close: the Damages star once again won for "best actress" in a drama series.
  
  
• Comedy Central's no doubt pleased with Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew: they won "best writing" for a comedy, variety, etc series. And, yes, Stewart commended Neil's hosting abilities. He also made a joke about going backstage to watch football, which was competing on another network and became the butt of many tiresome jokes.
  
  
• LA Times writer Tom O'Neil has crowned Bill Maher the biggest Emmy loser in history because Maher, whose show was nominated in the aforementioned variety category, has lost 22 times over the course of his career.
  
  
• Remember how we said Harris should host everything? He may have some competition from Hugh Jackman, who won for original music for his Oscar dance routine.
  
  
• Hey, did you know Sarah McLachlan's still around? And she's still singing "I Will Remember You." While, yes, we should take a moment to recognize the departed — Bea Arthur! — certainly there's a less maudlin, predictable soundtrack.
  
  
• And on that note, here's a list of the winners.

• Jon Gosselin was the guest of honor at a pool party in Vegas. Whereas a pool party would sound like an enjoyable experience anywhere else, in Vegas, it's the sixth circle of hell. It looks something like this:

  Upon arriving on the red carpet, Gosselin told reporters, "It looks like we'll have a good time" – as 2,000 people danced and drank alcohol to the sounds of rock, hip hop and house music. Not everyone was necessarily happy to see him, though. As he walked on the red carpet, one bikinied woman stood on a railing and shouted, "Team Kate".

  Come on. Just, like, amazing. Note the detail of how she's in a bikini. Anyway, he got a bunch of numbers and apparently brought his mom there, too? This guy's just, yeah. The verdict's in. Team Kate, indeed. Oh, and MGM Hotel and Casino: Classy. [People]
  
  

• Meanwhile, Kate—even though her hair could use some, uh, toning down—put the rumors about her being with the family's bodyguard to rest. They had their own pool party with the bodyguard and his wife, and E! helpfully points out that he patrolled the perimeter on an ATV, playing watchdog over the family. Since Jon was, you know, in Vegas. [E!]
  
  
• Joe Francis says Brody Jenner has a small dick. First off: takes one to know one, BRAH. Second: the New York Times has some helpful news for Jenner! If he can't get it big, he might still be able to keep it up. Really, though, there's so much homoerotic tension between these guys. I've always secretly thought Girls Gone Wild is the kind of overcompensating shit someone deeply insecure about their sexuality would produce. Then again, who doesn't want a free hat, right? Community service. [D Listed]
  
  
• Kelly Preston pulled out of a "grief panel" where she was going to discuss the death of her son, Jett. Nope. No more. Maybe because she'd get asked a question about the sketchy circumstances surrounding it, including (but not limited to!) the Scientology cover-up of Jett's autism. Unfortunately, you can only get so many Roger Friedmans fired, and once you run out, there are no heads to be put on corporate platters! And that happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams and Common are hooking up? Did not know. There is, indeed, a light in celebrity gossip, sometimes. [Page Six]
  
  
• See this plastic bag? It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it costs too much for me to ever have. Name the movie! American Beauty star Wes Bentley is defaulting on his AmEx for $90K. Maybe he can sell some weed to pay the bill? [TMZ]
  
  
• The first lady of oil-rich Gabon is in California living on food stamps? (A) Africa is crazy and (B) of course Page Six would pick this up. Love it. [Page Six]
  
  
• The guy from Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne are "headed for splitsville" according to the Daily News. They get Gabon and you get this? Weak, Daily News. Sorry, but you just can't compete with geopolitical scandelousness with Canadian pop-punksters. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't talk about Twilight, like, ever. Dare not say they sacred name! Just like how media people never talk about the media. Really, though: I wonder if they're bigger Harry Potter fans. Don't forget, folks, Pattinson was Cedric Diggory waybackwhen. There's a distinct air of truth to this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Tina Fey takes her FeyCay on Fire Island. Everyone there is apparently resisting the urge to make the Sarah Palin joke about Fire Island/Manhattan and Alaska/Russia. Which makes me concerned that the people in the Hamptons might be funnier. [Page Six]
  
  
• Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes sold his East Village pad for less than $1M (ouch?) and him an Agyness Deyn are gonna move into a hotel for a while. 3:1 on the Bowery Hotel, 8:1 on the Cooper Square, but if they drop into The Hotel on Rivington, every last remaining shred of indie cred: gone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Maybe I'm amazed that Paul McCartney still has the power to deal with all of these women coming in and out of his life. Then again, maybe I'm not, and he probably doesn't need your New York Times penile resuscitation squad to do so, thank you. His current lady, Nancy Shevell, is avoiding his last lady, Heather Mills, who's been stalking around his Amaganssett house. Which, I mean, pretty impressive, Heather Mills. Must get tiring, though, right? [Page Six]

And, on that note: happy Sunday. We'll leave it to the Walrus himself to take us out. Paul?

Her name is Lisa Ann (who also played Sarah Palin), and she leads a bunch of adult actors doing very good impersonations of Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the rest of the gang. While we haven't seen any of the naked action, what comes between the scenes is dead-on. If the actors can get that right, than delivering a relentless rogering should be easy. Oh, and wait for "I'm a black robot, motherfucker," to be on a T-shirt in Times Square by the end of next week. If you want to buy the movie, click here [NSFW, unless you work in a strip club].

This new movie is the latest in a long line of smutty features based on beloved TV shows. How did this happen? Well, porn producers figured out that people like prepackaged commodities and that if they made these parodies, then people like us would write about them and give them free advertising. Damn, trapped again! But this one appears really worth it. We're not falling into this trap again for The Fucks of Life.

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

Well, if Tina Fey wasn't rich before, she definitely is now. NBC has begun selling syndication rights to her 30 Rock sitcom, starting with an $800,000 per episode deal with Comedy Central and WGN America. They're expected to also get the show on lots of local affiliates, which is when the big, big money will start rolling in. That's the crazy thing about syndication. Like... Patricia Richardson, from Home Improvement? Hasn't done much since. But? So fucking rich. [Variety]

John Goodman and Susan Sarandon, who both recently completed Broadway runs, will join Al Pacino in HBO's Barry Levinson-directed You Don't Know Jack. The film is about assisted-suicide champion Jack Kevorkian. Sarandon and Goodman will play two of his loudest supporters. [THR]

So it will, in fact, be snarky Canadian Ryan Reynolds who Reynolds wraps himself into a tight superhero outfit for The Green Lantern. Reynolds will also be playing the superhero Deadpool in a movie called Deadpool, about a Canadian guy who is sarcastic and has swords. Blech. [Variety]

Forget about Tina Fey, it's Ryan Seacrest who just got rich. The American Idol host has just signed a three-year, $45 million deal to continue with 19 Entertainment's primetime programming. So that money's just for his network TV work, not for his radio show and E! stuff and production deals and holy cow, the man is just made of money. Bad news, though, about the show: Kara DioGuardi will likely be back. Again, belch. [THR]

Playwright and Dirty Sexy Money creator Craig Wright will develop a religion-themed series for Showtime called Revelation. It's about an "unconventional" minister who moves to Texas with his teenagers after his wife dies. So it's Showtime's answer to Big Love, only set in Texas. Wouldn't it be funny if Bill Pullman played the lead? [Variety]

Moody actor Danny Huston will play King Richard to Russell Crowe's Robin Hood and Sienna Miller's Maid Marion in Ridley Scott's as-yet-untitled Robin Hood documentary. This thing is taking forever to get made. I mean, they just now cast Richard the Lionhearted? Just now? Sheesh. Oh, and you know who's playing Little John? Creepy Keamy from Lorst. Kinda fun. [THR]

Um. Judge Reinhold and Lea Thompson are going to star in a zombie movie together. Is it about their careers? Hahahaha. No, it's actually described as "Shaun of the Dead for American audiences." Which, wait. Americans didn't get Shaun of the Dead? "Hey Lurleen, I get that these fellas is foreign and might be gettin' eaten, but what in the great 48 is a 'crumpet'? Doggone, I wish someone would make somethin' I understand. Somethin' with the nerd from Beverly Hills Cop innit maybe..." [Variety]

After reclaiming her Twitter name from a fakester, Tina Fey apparently had stage fright.

The Times' Jennifer 8. Lee was awesomely geeky, although she could have worked some kind of "SIGHUP" joke into this one.

British freelancer Louise Bolotin denied a friend request with extreme prejudice.

Wired's Chris Anderson not only gives away his content online, he throws in sassy rejoinders as a bonus.

Blogger Chris O'Leary had a few too many.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets — or send us more Twitter usernames.

Fey and her husband bought the West End Avenue apartment for $3.4 million, 700k lower than the initial asking price. It's a buyer's market, after all! And just look at that floor plan, man. The elevator opens right into the apartment. Hm. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

[via CityFile]

• Michael Phelps was spotted at Marquee with four bottles of vodka, yelling "shots!" when M.I.A.'s song "Paper Planes" came on and making out with his cocktail waitress girlfriend, who he's apparently still with, thanks to a certain fundamental intellectual compatibility probably involving favorite sunglass and sunscreen brands. By the time the Olympic champion got to Tenjune around 2 a.m. the area around him smelled like weed.
  
• At her new co-op, Tina Fey is apparently neighbors with herself imitating Sarah Palin. The neighbor described Fey: "Oh, she's fabulous! Not fancy-shmancy like Park Avenue, not glitzy like Fifth and not terminally hip like SoHo. She's just cozy folks." Cozy Folks is actually the name of Fey's forthcoming sitcom about an adorable Midwestern family transplanted to a Gotham apartment building, where they live next to a neurotic television writer. Hijinks ensue. [P6]
  
• Victoria Floethe said she's tracked down the snitch who ratted out her affair with Michael Wolff to Cityfile.com. She won't say who that person is. But as punishment Floethe is going to tell her every last detail of every last time she had hot, moaning, sweaty sex with Michael Wolff. [P6]
  
• Madonna's been crying on Guy Ritchie's shoulder about her thwarted bid to adopt that Malawi kid. Ritchie asked the singer why she couldn't focus on the children she already had. Then he remembered A-Rod and the Brazilian boytoy, the long line of spurned hometowns and friends and lovers and family members, and he suddenly had a moment of clarity, about Madonna. [Sun]
  
• Peaches Geldof threw her shoe into a crowd at Bungalow 8 and a hit a woman. The woman's boyfriend then confronted Geldof, who later tried to have him arrested, possibly for throwing a glass. The cops went ahead and didn't do that. [Mirror]
  
• Britney Spears objected to all the weed smoke at a concert in Vancouver and walked off stage for 40 minutes. Still, the crowd applauded. She ended her concert with "Don't smoke weed!" Still, the crowd applauded. It seems like Canada really has this "How to cope with a Britney Spears run-in" technique nailed: Smoke weed and applaud, constantly. [Sun]