This story was originally published by CityFile.

In the world of celebrities, socialites, and reality stars, relationships are more often "blink-and-you'll-miss-it" than "long-term." That's to be expected, of course. Think of all the temptations when countless other beautiful people are around! To size up the potential of a handful of newer and more high-profile couples on the New York City scene, we turned to Patti Wood, the "Babe Ruth of body language experts" who has evaluated unspoken signals for hundreds of media outlets over the years. Join us below as Wood breaks down which twosomes are destined for eternal bliss-and which are bound for a break-up.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner

Background: Real estate heiress, jewelry designer and Celebrity Apprentice co-host Ivanka started dating real estate scion and New York Observer publisher Jared Kushner more than two years ago. They were married on October 25th.

The verdict: "Her whole body is facing toward Jared, which means she's all about him. Most women do not pose this way. She doesn't care that people are taking photos; she is clearly proud to be next to him. Her left hand is up, showing she wants to touch him in a loving way, and her shoulders are up in a half-hug, suggesting she just wants to be closer to him. Her broad, relaxed smile also says that she's at ease with him. As for Jared, his pelvis is angled slightly toward her, and he has his arm around her in a protective manner, but not a controlling one. All of their body language signals show that they have a good sexual relationship and care for each other very deeply. It looks as if they'll have a long future together."

Tinsley Mortimer & Prince Casimir Sayn Wittgenstein Sayn

Background: It's unclear when the Tinz and "Cassi" first got together, but they were pictured together back in July when they attended the Cartier International Polo match. (Things went south with her ex-husband Topper when they separated in January of last year.) While Tinsley has been seen out with former American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis recently, Cassi appears to still be in the picture for the time being.

The verdict: "The first thing I noticed about this photo is that this guy has a strong ego, which is indicated by his foot jutted out in front of him as if he's trying to emphasize he's his own man. She's awkwardly positioned, showing that she's off-balance in the relationship. She's got her legs pulled and shoulders pulled back but her pelvis is forward, like she can't make up her mind if she wants to be with him or not. Her outside arm is down, not reaching toward him, which is odd for a truly solid couple. There's tension in her face, meaning she's uncomfortable, and all of her body cues suggest she doesn't feel balanced, safe or secure with him. It doesn't bode well... at all."

Topper Mortimer & Valerie Boster

Background: Topper Mortimer, Tinsley's estranged husband, reportedly first got together with Vogue editor Valerie Boster during fashion week in September. She recently threw him a birthday party at one of his favorite hangouts on the Upper East Side, preppy palace Dorrian's.

The verdict: "Here, he's doing something called 'overlapping,' where he's positioning his body around and behind her, and his chest is leaned in toward her. This means he is comfortable and at ease with her, but he's not enveloping her so tightly that he feels he needs to control her. Valerie's a little more conflicted: She's planted in her own seat but she is only leaning her upper body toward him, as if she is hesitant to give up too much and wants to remain independent. Her crossed arms indicate she wants to protect their relationship from the public eye. I'd like to see them a little more affectionate with one another, and while this doesn't appear to be a sexually-charged relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean it won't last."

Kate Hudson & Alex Rodriguez

Background: The actress and the New York Yankees third baseman first got together back in May, after she allegedly ended her relationship with Owen Wilson and A-Rod and Madonna split up.

The verdict: "This couple screams 'passion.' She's pressing into him with her pelvis, which says she really digs him sexually. She's even got her hand on his rear end, and her whole body is arched into him. Likewise, Alex has his pelvis and stomach forward, but he's holding back a bit, which you can see through his restraint with his elbows. He's definitely the alpha in this relationship and seems preoccupied by people watching them. Overall, it's clear she'd do whatever he wants. If the sex continues to be good, she's going to do her best to make it work. I'd like to see a little more tenderness in the relationship, though."

Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy

Background: The Real Housewives of New York City star Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy got engaged on October 8th after dating for 11 months. She announced she was two months pregnant in mid-October.

The verdict: "The fact that she's sitting on his lap suggests two things: 1) she depends on him, and 2) they have a good sexual relationship. Her arm is very relaxed around him-she's not clinging on for dear life-and she has a relaxed smile, indicating she trusts him absolutely. The intimate gesture of their heads touching means they are balanced and like-minded. His arms are relaxed around her in a protective, loving way, and his joyous, open smile shows he could not be more enamored with her. This is a very solid couple."

Olivia Palermo & Johannes Huebl

Background: The socialite and star of The City started dating German  model Johannes Huebl in the spring of 2008.

The verdict: "What I like here is that her feet and body are angled toward him, and his body is shifted subtly toward her. Body and foot positioning says a lot about a couple's connectedness-and in this case, they have a strong connection and bond. Their hands are intertwined, indicating they feel at ease with one another and are protective of each other. Their relationship is one where each goes for comfort and strength. Given this pose, it's likely that they have a soulful, private relationship, but also a bond that is sweet and dependable. It looks to me as if they have a future."

Emmy Rossum & Adam Duritz

Background: Actress Emmy Rossum went public with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz in late September, immediately after her super-secret music executive husband, Justin Siegel, filed for divorce. It remains a mystery how Duritz, who's dated Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston in the past, manages to reel in ladies who are infinitely better looking than he is.

The verdict: "He's definitely claiming her as his 'woman' in this photo in a controlling way. He's gripping her arm so she can't move, and it's actually sort of disturbing. His gestures say, 'She's mine; isn't she gorgeous?' Emmy, on the other hand, may have the side of one hip toward Adam, but the rest of her body is pulled away, meaning that she's definitely not entirely at happy with him. It's also interesting how she's holding her purse. When couples are really into each other, the woman automatically moves her purse to the hand furthest from her companion. Here, her purse is a physical barrier, which also translates to an emotional barrier. There's also tightness around her mouth, which suggests some conflict with these two. I wouldn't expect them to last long at all."

More info on Patti Wood can be found on her website, pattiwood.net.

• Now a porn star might have banged Tiger Woods, too. Holly Sampson (née Nicolette Foster, Andrea Michaels, and Andrea Zoe) star of such film as OMG Stop Tickling Me and Flying Solo 2 is "not denying that she bedded Tiger." Apparently she was in a Wonder Years episode once, too. [NYDN] [IMDB]
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• In other Woods news, a mystery lady says through her layer that Tiger's marriage to Elin Nordegren was a sham, while an anonymous source tells someone else that Elin loves him more than ever and wants him in sex addict treatment. [TMZ] [ShowBizSpy]
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• Yu Tsai is very talented photographer who makes Lindsay Lohan look young and relatively vibrant in her Muse photo spread depicting a Kate Moss/Johnny Depp-inspired three-way. Some photos were sexy [fig.1] and some where just weird [fig.2] but she looks her age-ish, and pretty. When her nip slips, "it just happened in the moment. She was playing the role of Kate Moss." Please. Like we haven't seen Lindsay's Lohans before. [P6]
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• Michael Jackson had really creepy art. MJ coffee table book Michael Jackson Opus: The Ultimate Celebration gave the Post a sneak peek at an image of a nude, alabaster-skinned Jacko romping with winged cherubs, one of whom is black. [fig.3] Apparently it was "tongue-in-cheek," which probably refers to the god-like portrayal, but could also refer to the "raping little boys" thing, depending how wicked his sense of humor was. [NYP]
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• Susan Boyle will perform for the Obamas at the White House, at Michelle's 46th birthday, according to British paper The Daily Express, which is not terribly believable, because what "senior White House aide" leaks exclusively to the Express? Also, Michelle is too great a humanitarian to allow the ongoing torment of sad Susan Boyle to occur in her own home. [Express]
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• Lady Gaga has more than 20 wigs, which is actually fewer than I would have guessed. She's only been at this for a year or so, though so there's still time. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Eva Green wishes her lesbian sex scene in Cracks would have been dirtier. "The love scene is soft—I wanted to go even further," she said. In the movie, Eva plays a boarding school headmistress who goes Humbert Humbert on a student. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Oh, gross. (But can we say we're surprised?) "Two stars of the reality TV show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here have been charged with animal cruelty after allegedly killing and cooking a rat to eat." The most interesting part of this article is how the Associated Press characterizes Get Me Out's celebrities as "C-list." Is the assumption that the show bumped them up a notch from D? Is someone keeping track of the C-pluses and B-minuses too? [AP]
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• Tinsley Mortimer's dad, George Mercer, was a drunk mess at the Plaza the other night, when he grabbed the microphone away from a jazz singer and tried to make it a karaoke sing-a-long. The "horrified crowd" included Martha Stewart, Betsy Johnson, Isaac Mizrahi, Courtney Love, and Woody Allen, which is funny, because I always thought if Martha Stewart and Courtney Love were in the same room, the world would combust. [P6]
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Figures 1., 2.

Figure 3.

• The White House party crashers met Barack Obama before, as part of a surreal coterie at last year's America's Polo Cup. Polo networking site PoloContacts.com shows the Salahis posing with Obama, Randy Jackson, "Black Eyed Peas Rock Band," and "rock band JOURNEY." Michaele is identified as "former Miss USA and SuperModel." According to Wikipedia, nobody named Michaele has ever won the Miss USA contest, but I like the idea of her real name being something plain and Midwestern like Wendy or Martha or Gretchen. She posed for pictures with beauty queens, too. [PoloContacts] [PoloContacts]
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• Next question: Is Michaele Salahi a compulsive liar, or is she actually delusional? On the day of the infamous State Dinner, Michaele got help from her hairstylist fixing her sari, and said she called the White House personally to ask whether her ensemble would offend the Indian delegation. Her friends asked to see the invite, but, oh my, looks like she has misplaced it, must've left it "in the limo," alas. [People]
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• On Sunday at 2:45, "a source close to" Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal told People the pair had broken up, prompting a thousand teenage screams of despair (that the golden couple had broken up) and elation (that Jake was back on the market). But then at 5:00, their reps said it wasn't true, ad a temporary rift in the teen-scream-iverse healed. [People]
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• Alleged Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel knows exactly where this mess is going, and has hired Gloria Allred, high-profile lawyer to scandal-marred female tabloid victims, from Clinton harassee Paula Jones to the family of Nicole Brown Simpson. [NYDN]
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• Jamie Foxx is on Team Jacob. At the New Moon premiere, Foxx asked werewolf portrayer Taylor Lautner to pose with him for a photograph because "my daughter is a huge fan, and I'm a huge fan." If I had to hazard a guess, that last part probably wasn't true, but it's cute that Taylor got excited. Before we turn them into leathery wizened celebubots, teen stars can be so sweet. [Gatecrasher]
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• "Tila Tequila's Energy Secret" is an infinite stream of Red Bull parceled into 20-can tables, which is part of her rider when she strips at high-end clubs. She also won't allow herself to be photographed smoking, for hers is a sterling reputation that must not be sullied. [P6]
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• Tinsley and Topper Mortimer have reinvented romance. The hedge fund baron is so in love with his ex, he'll do anything—even fake be in love! "Topper is still into Tinsley. They talk three times a day. He has even offered to show up [on her show] if she has a date in public with another man, to help ratings. They may even get back together for ratings." It is impossible to tell where the snake's mouth ends and its tail begins. [P6]
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• Padma Lakshmi is hot and she knows it, and it's not vanity because she once dated Salmon Rushdie and knows all about metaphor: "I like me better naked. I don't mean that in a vain way... Clothes are adjectives, they are indicators. When you don't have any clothes on, it's just you, raw, and you can't hide." [P6]
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• New details about Anthony Michael Hall's alleged domestic assaullt of girlfriend Diana Falzone: Police say he "pushed, shoved, and spit" and "bit his girlfriend's forehead," the latter of which is somewhat baffling. [P6]
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Images via Polo Contacts Worldwide

• Tinsley Mortimer's reality show Empire State gets more and more interesting. Now they've signed on phone-hacking flack Ali Wise as one of the "co-stars." They filmed her at a party at the Alice Olivia pop up store this weekend—a party also attended by reality whole and fictional reporter Betsey Morgenstern's boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer—and a camera crew was spotted with her on October 19 when she was arraigned for breaking into romantic rival Nina Freudenberger's voicemail with something called a spoof card. Well, we will certainly be spoofing this show, and we hope that the CW will make a huge star out of Ali. It's the wise thing to do. And the puns just won't stop coming. We love this chick! Producers are a little worried what's going to happen to her after her next court date January 14. We suggest the sexiest version of Scared Straight ever. [Gatecrasher]
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson isn't exactly a slut, but she sure has been dating a lot. She was out on a date with fellow Brown student Rafael Cebrian at the Rangers game on Saturday with Yves Saint Laurent creative director Stefano Pilati as her gay chaperon. So, what did she do with ex-boyfriend, financier Jay Barrymore? Maybe she just cast a spell of invisibility on him. [P6]
• Lady Gaga's penis bought pizza for all the gays her fans who waited overnight to get her autograph in L.A. That's sweet, but doesn't she know her fans the gays still aren't eating carbs. [People]
• Hey everyone, Rosie Perez got a job! Congrats! She's costarring with Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in some movie called The Other Guys, and they were filming during the real Knicks game on Saturday night. Brooke Shields also made an appearance. They also got Tracy Morgan for free, since he had courtside seats near where they were filming. [Gatecrasher]
• Even though her haircut says she is, model Agyness Deyn is not a lesbian. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez says she meant to fall on her ass during her performance of the loathesome single "Louboutins" at the American Music Awards. She also said that Gigli is supposed to be unfunny. No guile in that girl. [NYDN]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams let us know that the the Sex and the City sequel (also known as Carrie Bradshaw and the Temple of Doom) is filming in Morocco and all the ladies are staying in different hotels. She also tells us about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade back when they didn't have balloons so they just tied ropes to Pterodactyls and it was a great day in New Amersterdam. [Cindy Adams]

According to Guest of a Guest Tinsley hosted the tea party for Serena and 15 of her littlest pals at the Samantha Thavasa store on Madison Avenue. There wasn't any pin the tail on the donkey at this party. Instead there was some makeovers by a Christian Dior makeup artist, and styling consultations with the Tinz herself. These littlest girls know how to shop!

Just how did Serena Bancroft land such a stellar host for her little bash? Well, she is the daughter of socialite Debbie Bancroft and her banker husband Billy, so that probably helped. As GoaG points out, La Tinz probably wants to get in good with these little rich things now, so that in 10 years she'll still be getting invites to the hot parties. Ms. Mortimer is the face of Japanese handbag maker Samantha Thavasa (and designs several bags for the fashion house each year) so she definitely has a financial interest in bringing attention to the brand, especially among the junior Junior League set.

Since 13-year-old girls (and gays) are CWs target demographic, maybe this is her way of cozying up to an audience she is going to need to be a ratings blockbuster come January. Throw in an appearance guest bartending with Anderson Cooper's boyfriend at gay bar Eastern Bloc and she'll have her base shored up just in time for the premiere.

This might be a make good to Debbie Bancroft, who used to be the muse of polite society's favorite designer Douglas Hannant, until they had beef in 2005, when Hannant chose Tinsley to be his new public face. Burn. Before her reality show airs, Tinsley has to make all the allies she can or else she won't be able to show her face in Southampton ever again. Serving up cupcakes to a bunch of fashion-conscious teens isn't such a bad price to pay.

[Image via Guest of a Guest]

Maroulis is currently starring in hair band jukebox musical Rock of Ages on Broadway. Tinsley went to see the show last night, and a tipster sent pictures of her and the star looking like they're about to kiss to Guest of a Guest. ConstanTinz were first spotted togetherlast week hanging out at Touch, a midtown club not far from the Rock of Ages theater. Tinsley had her camera crew in tow, so maybe they were catching this auspicious meeting for a suitable end to the first season or a great start to the second one. Now that the cameras are gone and they're still hanging out does this mean it's real love? Oh, Tinsley. Tell us it's not so! It's been a downward spiral ever since breaking with Topper. Next thing you know, she's going to be running around town with Levi Johnston. Oh, too late.

Mortimer's reality show wraps taping this week, but it wouldn't be right for the show not to have a climatic battle and the chosen antagonist is Devorah Rose, editor of alleged magazine Social Life. Apparently Rose was going around telling people Tinsley's man is a poor! The Tinz couldn't stand for that and went over to defend poor Prince Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn's honor as the richiest rich who wipes his ass with Fabergé eggs. Her on-camera entourage (including Paul Johnson Calderone) all went over to scream at Rose. If the photos are this good we can't wait to see the CW promos!

By all accounts (except the inevitable Page Six item about the brou-ha-hoax, where CW honcho Justin Rosenblatt says of the program, "It's entirely unexpected and in the moment. The storylines all arose organically."), the whole thing looked staged, with many at the party ignoring the action completely. Before, it used to be enough to fuel these social fueds by floating a few items in the gossip columns and reaping the benefits. These days the hottest accessory in town is a camera crew—just look what it did for the Real Housewives of New York—and this altercation is really the most brilliant form of manipulating one.

It starts at a party full of media types, most of whom stood by acting blasé as supposed fight took place in front of the camera. Nevertheless, they are expected to blog and tweet and write about the action, even though no one believes that it happened. This not only gets publicity for the personalities involved, but also their respective reality projects. The fight will continue to play out over months, while being massaged and edited by television executives. By the time we see the finished product (in Tinsley's case, the show comes out in January), it has been chewed, swallowed, digested, and pooped back out so what we end up with is a beautiful sparkly diamond turd of a reality television moment. We'll be so blinded by the dramatic luster that we won't even care that it was effectively staged, we'll all just be covering our gaping mouths at that bitchy thing The Tinz said about The Dev's outfit.

This isn't Rose's only fake drama buffet as of late. Last week at the launch for bikini line diNeila she got into it with socialite Jules Kirby, when the latter showed up to the party unannounced. Guess what there was a camera crew there too! Welcome to step one of the brand new process.

Well, we wonder if the editor Social Life and face of diNeila bikinis is signing her real name to all those reality show release forms. Which is Deborah Denise Trachtenberg. Yesterday when the crew was following her to the airport, they wouldn't let her on board because she was trying to get past security using pseudonym Devorah Rose and they weren't having it. What, you expect a fake editor who engages in fake fights to not have a fake name?

[Image via Guest of a Guest]

He did a remarkable job of not saying much. At 8:15 the party had barely begun at the downtown hotspot, known for its strict velvet rope and the racy performances on its main stage, the gregarious Tank Jones and his brother Marvin (in the role as Levi's trainer) were some of the first people to arrive. They installed the one-time human campaign prop at a table in the corner of the balcony so that several PR people could start the parade of press. The rest of the venue was practically empty, but everyone was clustered around Levi.

As the Observer's John Koblin interviewed Playgirl's spokesman Daniel Nardicio about the future of the magazine, the Levi interviews started. Everyone made way for a camera crew from Entertainment Tonight, which has exclusive access to Levi for all the behind-the-scenes action for the photo shoot that is taking place right now (if everything goes according to schedule). We didn't get close enough to hear what they asked during their ten minutes with Levi.

As they clear out, there were more print interviews to do. Michael Musto came by to say hi, but he interviewed Levi at his hotel earlier. I asked Musto if he was a good interview. He said yes, but agrees that it's hard to get him to say much. Jo Piazza from CNN came in and taped a few second with the Johnston crew. Before she started her interveiew, Tank said he's not answering questions about Sarah Palin or about suing for custody of Tripp, Levi's son with Palin's daughter Bristol. Then he flirted with her a little bit as she squeezed in next to Levi to ask her questions. Most of the questions were the same all night: How is this different from Alaska? What is he going to show? Is he ready for the shoot? Does he know that he's a gay icon? Will he do more porn? What does the future hold?

Levi always answers with the fewest words possible. This may make him appear a bit dim, but it seems a smart move for a guy who's standing around a bunch of people paid to turn any utterance he makes into "news." With the reporters gone, he quietly joked with Tank and Marvin.

When Piazza was done, he joked a bit with Nardicio, teaching him how to tuck a dollop of chew under his lip. "Don't you throw up on this table!" Tank chided. A PR person came by and said there were more interviews to be done. "I know. This isn't my first rodeo," Levi said. Another reporter sat down, this one from People. They knew to send a pretty girl.

When she left, the PR man told Tank that Page Six boss Richard Johnson wanted an introduction. Tank responded, "We're not talking to them. No pictures, nothing." The PR man conveyed the message to Johnson. "He just wants to say hi," Mr. PR pleaded with Tank. But Tank had made up his mind: No Levi for Johnson. "That's fine," said the Page Six editor before heading back downstairs. After he left, Tank complained about a Page Six item accusing Levi having a small dick and thus afraid to do any full-frontal shots: "That's not true!"

There was a break in the action and a PR girl brought by the trophy Levi will receive later in the evening: an 11-inch dildo made of silver. Everyone at the table laughed nervously and made jokes about how Levi isn't going to accept a dildo. Levi returned his trophy to the nice lady and said, "I can't believe I just won a giant silver dildo." He and Tank conferred and decide there can't be any pictures taken of him holding it, so they plan to have Nardicio take the stage with him and hold the award.

Then the photographers arrived. In groups of two, they came by the corner, their flashbulbs blinding in the dark club. Levi knew to look directly into the camera and then occasionally look away to blink. He didn't look like he was having any fun. When all that was over, he passed some time ogling the scantily-clad go-go dancers down below. Tank said, "Those are all real women right? I don't want to look if they're not real women." Another laugh. Nardicio tells them that they're all real women. I pointed out that there were definitely some drag queens in the mix. "That's OK, I didn't want those ones anyway," Levi responded. He told me that he hadn't had any time to go out and party while in New York City. "It's been all work. I'm all about business," he says. "But I like New York more each time I come here." What does he think about this event? "It's different," is all he'll say.

As the show starts, Gawker alum Joshua David Stein showed up asking questions for New York magazine. It was getting loud, the house was full. Tank informed him they'd do an interview later. Levi leaned over the balcony to watching the award ceremony on stage and performances by the likes of boy/boy/girl aerialist trio Mantryx. When the intermission came, the crew decided to go outside for some air.

Out on the sidewalk, it is a whole different scene. Dressed in identical tuxedos like they all went shopping at the same men's store earlier that evening, they moved as a unit. Flanked by two enormous black men, Levi wasn't easy to approach. That didn't stop the reporters. Kelefa Sanneh from the New Yorker came up received a stern lecture from Tank about not asking about Palin or custody. Sanneh started his round of questioning but was cut off by the arrival of two 20-something guys who made up TMZ's camera crew. They'd been tailing Levi and his crew ever since they arrived in New York and seemed almost like old friends. Sanneh backed off, to avoid getting captured by their camera. TMZ doesn't care about restrictions and they began asking about custody and Palin. Tank demurred. "Come on, you know better than that."

While Tank was distracted by dealing with the TMZ mess, Jacob Bernstein from The Daily Beast snuck up and peppered Levi with questions and scribbled furiously in his notebook. A male-female duo from Hollywood Life sidled up and began asking their own questions and with a Flip camera. After the questions, the Hollywood Life crew each took their picture with Levi. With Levi alone again, Sanneh came back for a second attempt at an interview. This time, though, he talked more to Tank that Levi. It's easy to go that direction, since Tank is a gregarious quote machine while Levi answers everything with about three words.

Levi was scheduled to accept his award as soon as the ceremony restarted after the intermission. The PR girl shadowing him told him and Nardicio to go hang out at Nick Denton's table so they'd be right next to the stage. but there isn't any room at the Gawker Media overlord's table. Levi headed instead for socialite Tinsley Mortimer's table where photographers eagerly snapped the unlikely pairing. Joshua David Stein returned for his promised interview, but Levi said he needs clear it with Tank. Stein rebutted that Tank had already cleared it, but Levi — who either didn't remember, didn't care, or simply wanted to protect himself — turned him down again, this time a little more firmly. Marvin stepped in and said they'd talk to Tank and do the interview later.

Levi asked who he needs to thank in his speech which he obviously hasn't thought about until then. Nardicio told him to thank Fleshbot and The Box. Levi added that he should also say something about the upcoming issue of Playgirl and to tell people to buy it. He is all business.

When his award was announced he and Nardicio went on stage where Levi successfully avoided being photographed with a big silver dildo. His speech was exactly what he planned: He thanked Fleshbot and The Box and then told everyone to buy his issue of Playgirl.

After leaving the stage, he meets up with Tank and Marvin and they head out the door. He has to get up early to work out before his big shoot. Our colleague Irin over at Jezebel got her questions answered about the type of ladies Levi likes and JDS eventually got his interview, making poor Richard Johnson the only person denied the chance to exchange banalities with the man of the hour. Levi, like he said, was all about business, and last night his business was spectacle.

Top three photos by Hee Jin Kang, bottom by GuestofaGuest

Levi, in the spotlight, where he is most comfortable.
Remember, Levi, perspective can make anything look huge.
Burlesque legend Dirty Martini (right) wants to be the next lady to have an affair with Jude Law (center) who attended with his wingman.
The Baroness, Dante Posh, Darenzia, and a lucky lady hold court before the awards start.
A close-up of the magical 11-inch Fleshbot Award dildo trophy made by njoy.
Even show producer Lucy Sexton's T-shirt got into the sexy spirit.
Joanna Angel, Jessie Lee, and Wendy Crawford watch the show with a very happy gentleman.
Joey Arias tells jokes before giving a lifetime achievement award to stylist Patricia Field.
Porn power couple Lorelei and Jiz Lee.
Ben Neighbor's cradles another man's sex toy after accepting the award for "Sexiest Artist" on behalf of Paul Pope.
Jonathan Ames gives us fisherman realness.
Yeah, we'd look too.
Patricia Field arrives to get her dildo trophy.
Senorita es bonita. Who's that girl?
Daniel Nardicio makes out with his boyfriend, Chris.
It looks like someone took a picture of the sexy, frenetic aura of the evening.
Ceremony co-hosts John Cameron Mitchell and Justin Bond.
Who wore it better?
MTV's Tony Disanto.
Patricia Field was really working that fox.
Comedian Patrice O'Neal (left) was not laughing last night.
Tony Disanto, Michael Hirschorn, and Jacob Weisberg keep a booth warm.
Lloyd Grove and Summer Rej were suitably amused.
Thanks for the party, Nick Denton (right). We wonder if the Post's Justin Rocket Silverman needs a nap like we do this afternoon.
Porn star and "lion of Chelsea" Michael Lucas made himself at home.
Chrises Wilson and Tennant battle it out for naming rights.
Jacob Weisberg wanted to move to Prozac Nation with Elizabeth Wurtzel.
Sessa Johnson wasn't snubbing her husband Richard like some Alaskans. Tinsley was laughing. We're not sure why. Maybe someone made a Levi's Johnston joke. Never heard that one...
Jane Boon has a secret for husband and Time Inc. EIC Norm Pearlstine. We bet it has to do with porn.
Molly Friedman told Neel Shah she'd try to get a Levi Johnston quote for Page Six.
Tinsley takes partying very seriously. Just ask Sessa Johnson.
John Cameron Mitchell watches too much gay porn.

• Apparently on a boozy limo ride home from a few Halloween parties where they were dressed as matching tooth fairies, Paris Hilton's boyfriend Doug Reinhardt threw her phone out the window. It appears that excessive texting annoys him too. Paris got out of the car to find it on the side of the road to no avail. When she got back into the car, Reinhardt started to choke her. Of course, the paps were swarming and friends tried to stop them from taking pictures. Like a good girl, Paris fought back, kicking and screaming at her man. The good news? A photographer found her phone and returned it. [NY Post]
• Real Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon showed up on time for the Halloween party she hosted on Saturday night, instead of showing up two hours late like she did last year. Hurray for lessons learned. Bensimon was dressed as a sexy Heidi or some such. Also in attendance was Jill Zaron dressed as Poison Ivy from the Batman comics. The real news is that Bensimon and fellow Housewife Zarin are apparently new besties now that Zarin had a falling out with former partner in crime Bethenny Frankel. Because she's still on the show this season, Bethenney has been relegated to hanging out with crazy-eyed Ramona Singer and Brooklynite Alex McCord. As goes Jill Zarin, so goes the audience, so maybe people will start to like this Kelly creature now. [Gatecrasher]
• Speaking of Halloween parties, Tinsley Mortimer showed up with reality crew in tow for an event to benefit cancer charity City of Hope on Friday night at Marquee. "She showed up with 20 people. The crew shot her walking into the venue, but not inside the party as promised," says City Of Hope's Jocelyn Levy. "They just hung out and drank, for free, even the producers. We didn't ask them to come, they called us." Hmm. That's funny, because we were there and we saw with our own two eyes that Tinsley did, in fact, film inside the party. Sure it was in the back by the dessert bar and the production kept a tight perimeter around Ms. Mortimer, but she did actually film inside the party. Don't go trying to tarnish our Tinz unfairly! [Gatecrasher]
• Nicolas Cage is going to miss a New York screening of his movie Bad Lieutenant, because his father, literature professor August Coppola (brother of filmmaker Francis Ford), died of a heart attack. We love it when celebrities actually do the right thing. [P6]
• Elton John has been hospitalized for a bad case of the flu and a minor case of e. coli and has canceled several concerts. All his pairs of sparkly glasses tell him to get well soon. [AP]
• Because her life hasn't been charmed enough, Dakota Fanning is now a cheerleader and the homecoming queen at North Hollywood's Campbell Hall Episcopal High School, which she is attending. Transformation into mean girl is complete. [E Online]
• Mel Gibson's girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, might have maybe had her baby (Mel's eighth) two months early. We hope this isn't like Heidi Klum baby thing where all the tabs were trying so hard to scoop each other that they just started making up the birth. [People]
• John DeLucie the fancy chef at Graydon Carter's Waverly Inn isn't leaving. That's great news for all of us who couldn't get a reservation even if we wanted one. [P6]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams is obsessed with the making of Wall Street 2. Has she not seen a film in the movie theater since the original came out 22 years ago, or does she just have a huge crush on Shia LaBeouf? You decide. [Cindy Adams]

[Image via Getty]

• Angelina Jolie is the focus of two books and is supporting another. Reputed biographers Andrew Morton and Ian Halperin want to experience the thrill of writing about a subject who's already said everything you ever wanted to know about her and more. In fact, the ever growing Cult of Brange means you can't even make up anything interesting about her. Meanwhile Nick Kristoff, whose book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide Jolie would like you to read, got a taste of tabloid love in their company and was stunned. [Lainey Gossip]
• Joe Jackson observes Michael is worth more dead than alive, is gross. [Celebitchy]
• Madonna is the new God of Malawi. Madonna calls for lightning to strike Britain. [Us Weekly]
• Bai Ling decided it was a good idea to sleep naked next to a cheetah. Cheetah thought this was some kind of poor man's feast provided by the human race and didn't want to offend local custom so he tried to take a delicate nibble of Bai Ling's nibbly bits. Bai Ling is A) Freaked out. B) Safe. C) A Moron. [Dlisted]
• Simon Cowell must have a curse placed on him to be followed by hair-obsessed young men everywhere he goes. [Mirror]
• Brooke Shields went to a store and an employee asked her if she wanted any help. So she punched him in the eye, kicked him in the balls, tore his head off and jumped up and down on his dead body to see blood spurt out of his corpse. Okay, no she didn't but imagine if she had. [Fox 411]
• Sophie Monk as an undressed ladybug on the sidewalk for no reason. Site NSFW. [Hollywood Tuna]
• Tinsley Mortimer's new reality show is a little low on the "reality". *faint* [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson thinks the Scots are a bunch of quarrelsome drunks in skirts. Scotland is deserted today as all Scots died laughing. [Daily Fail]
• David Beckham stares at cheerleaders, is shocked women have curves. [Sun]
• Mandatory Gosselip Update: This shit will never end. [Fox 411]
• Blind Item: C list cable reality star holds forth on tattoos, taboos and Jews. Sinks like a stone. You should know the answer! [CDAN]

This is the sixth painting idea suggested by you, the bored Gawker readership, that pancake painter-to-the-stars Dan Lacey has executed, for the benefit of mankind. Previous works: Rush the Hutt, The Crucifixion of Octomom, S&M Goat Wedding, Mickey Rourke Chihuahua Pee, and Hoda and Kathie Lee Flapjack Wrestling.

Don't miss your chance to purchase this one-of-a-kind work of Tinsley Mortimer art. Bid for it on Ebay now.

• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are the strangest, most annoyingly compelling ex-spouses in history. They reportedly had a "secret meeting" at a New York hotel so that Pitt could bitch and moan about his crumbling marriage to Angelina Jolie, for whom he left Aniston. Twisted. (PS: Doesn't this picture make you a bit nostalgic?) [Daily Mail]
  
  
• We know you would never do such a thing, but just in case: don't rent your home to Kevin Federline, because he'll ruin it forever. [TMZ]
  
  
• Nancy Grace is not amused by Jon Gosselin, who she thinks is far too self-involved and needs to take care of his many, many children. [Us]
  
  
• We're not entirely sure why, but Jeremy Piven gets a lot of tail. On the positive side, his latest women are of many races, so at least he's an equal opportunity cad, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Mel Gibson got his wish: that whole anti-Semitic DUI arrest has been expunged from his record. But we'll never forget. [Star]
  
  
• If you're famous and within reaching distance, Courtney Love will kiss you. You've been warned. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hoping to make a great impression on the gays, Levi Johnston's "working out six days a week" for his Playgirl shoot. All we're saying is that we better see penis. [US]
  
  
• Padma Lakshmi's with child, which means she's gaining weight, which means she can't fit into her clothes, so she donated them to charity. We've always liked her style. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad socialite Tinsley Mortimer hopes to revive her brand with a reality show. But, shocker, none of her rich friends want to be on something so mundane. [Page Six]
  
  
• We always thought only the coastal dwellers enjoy Mad Men, but maybe we're wrong: actress January Jones attended a NASCAR event in Kansas last weekend. But, then again, maybe the car racing fans just like a pretty blond. [Just Jared]
  
  
• The man accused of stalking and peeping on ESPN reporter Erin Andrews allegedly videotaped other women. Why are we not surprised? [NY Post]">People]

We were holding out for her to star in a CBS procedural about a crime-solving socialite called Post Mortimer, but this will have to do. The network has ordered eight half-hour episodes of the "docusoap." No word yet on when they will air or a title. Can you imagine if this aired right after Gossip Girl? What have we done to afford ourselves such joy?

The show will focus on the life and times of New York's hottest socialite that isn't on Bravo. Expect lots of charity functions, fashion shows, and at least one tense sitting with recent ex-husband Topper. Oh and we will sacrifice Jill Zarin's first born to the flesh-starved diety of reality television to see a showdown between her and Fabiolo Beracasa.

[Image via Getty]

• Two shitheads allegedly tried exhort $25 million from John Travolta after his son Jett's death. If he didn't pay, they would release the 16-year's medical documents. Well, now they're on trial and poor Travolta had to testify about the 40 minutes he spent trying to save his son's life. He also admitted, finally, that his son was autistic, something he had never said before. [LA Times]
  
  
• Art imitated life for Jennifer Aniston during filming of The Bounty. A source claims that an assistant walked in on Aniston crying after filming a scene that reminded her of long-lost Brad Pitt. [Page Six]
  
  
• Conservative darling and failed beauty queen Carrie Prejean's really, really trying to hold onto those 15-minutes: she's modeling slutty Halloween costume. [TMZ]
  
  
• Ellen Pompeo had a baby. And it's a girl named Stella. [WaPo]
  
  
• Samantha Burke squeezed out Jude Law's baby a week early. We guess she wanted to get that sweet, sweet tabloid money sooner, rather than later. [Times Online]
  
  
• Lily Allen realized no one wants to buy her records anymore, so she's quit music forever. [Perez]
  
  
• Real Housewives of New York troublemaker Kelly Bensimon succeeded once again in grabbing some ink by posing in Playboy. But, like a wuss, she won't be showing her puss. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer makes her prince boyfriend carry her purse in silence. [Page Six]
  
  
• Not content to design just dresses, Zac Posen now wants to design an apartment building. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chynna Phillips says she fell into a 10-day depression after learning that her father John had been having a long-term affair with her half-sister, Mackenzie Phillips. She was not, however, surprised. [NYDN]

• Ha! Here's a dose of reality: The Hills "star" Stephanie Pratt tried to buy a bottle of champagne at a VMA after-party and her credit card was declined. She was later seen crying hysterically. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of "reality," apparently no real socialites want to hang out for Tinsley Mortimer's reality show, so producers are trying to concoct new A-listers to help provide some energy, because Mortimer is not "dynamic" enough to carry the show on her own. That's hardly surprising, but still amusing. [Page Six]
  
  
• There's video of Michael Jackson making the shocking confession that he was a pain killer addict. [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Grey says she will always remember Patrick Swayze — and his arms — with fondness. Funny, because we always heard that they hated one another. [ET]
  
  
• Katy Perry sure does get around — and doesn't have the best taste. The singer was spotted smooching John Mayer last Friday and then, after Sunday's VMA awards, locked lips with Russell Brand. Bleck. We need a mint just thinking about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brittany "Bre" Scullark, a semifinalist on America's Next Top Model, was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City yesterday and berating another woman at Starbucks. We all have our ugly side, huh? [TMZ]
  
  
• Bea Arthur once described Betty White as a "cunt." If anyone could get away with talking trash about White, it was Arthur. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ouch! Kim Kardashian wanted to meet Gerard Butler, but he told a would-be facilitator "No thanks." [MSNBC]
  
  
• Oh no! Elton John announced he wanted to adopt a Ukrainian lad, but officials claim that, at 62, he's too old. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of old men: Harrison Ford says he's signed on for the fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Because the world needs more bullshit movies, right? [People]
  
  
• Colin Farrell has successfully impregnated his girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda. [People]

You remember, don't you? I was sitting in the back room of the Beatrice about a year ago, drinking a Stella and checking out the 2 a.m. dance floor scene. You walked over and said, "Did you used to work at Page Six?" I agreed that I had, and you sat down next to me.

I was impressed that you were smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking what looked like a whiskey on the rocks. You told me that you had just filmed an episode of Weeds for Showtime, and asked what I was up to. I said I was working at Maxim, which was true at the time. Or maybe I said that I owned Maxim. Or owned all magazines. Let's just say I was trying to impress you.

I don't recall much about the rest of our conversation, other than you were very sweet, were wearing a lot of black eyeliner, and that your hair kind of smelled like clouds. But I do remember that once we were done with our surreal little chat, you said, "Well, I just wanted to say that you look really good tonight." And then you got up, walked across the room and sat with the friends you came with.

I wondered if I had just been totally goofed on. Because by that point in the night I was most likely a wobbly, red-eyed beast who was only capable of engaging women by doing that magic trick that I do with the handkerchief and the collapsible wand. You know the one.

But in retrospect I think that you were probably just in a really good mood. Had you not been Mary-Kate Olsen, I would probably tried to get your number, or at least asked if you wanted to take a ride in my van. But instead, I just smiled and accepted the compliment. Always wanted to say thanks for that. But I've never been able to, because that was the last time I saw you!

So I thought I'd finally have a chance to tell you in person last night when I saw you at Bergdorf-Goodman, where you and your twin sister Ashley were doing a relentlessly-hyped bartending appearance for Fashion's Night Out.

I knew it was a big deal because my cab driver actually asked if I was going to "the thing were the Olsen twins were bartending." We pulled up to a mob of several hundred eager young women clogging the front entrance. I talked my way into a side door and began to look for you in the oppressively-lit department store that reeked of decades of perfume-squirts and shoppers' flop sweat.

I navigated past the throngs of girls roaming the racks to get on the escalator to the 7th Floor, where you were allegedly pouring drinks. Even the escalator was jammed with squealing humanity, and I started getting claustrophobic and sweating a little myself. Honestly, I hadn't seen that much hubbub since the last time I attended a Jonas Brothers lunch box signing!

But once I got to the 7th floor, you were already gone. Mind you, this was only 7:30, and the event started at 7. When I said, out loud, to no one in particular, "Where are the Olsens?" a sad-eyed teenage girl told me that you had left the building. This was particularly devastating because at this point I really needed a drink.

So I pushed through another mob that was surrounding stylist Rachel Zoe as she was shot by about 20 photographers, towards the nearest fire exit. When I finally made it outside, a black Escalade slowed to a stop in front of the crowd spilling outside Bergdorf's. I thought maybe it was you, but it turned out to be designer Zac Posen, who popped out of the sun roof and waved at everyone.

I went to a few other insanely crowded boutiques before I headed back downtown: The Versace store, where the MisShapes deejayed and Taylor Momsen darted past me wearing a garter belt and a white dress shirt; the Calvin Klein store, where the disturbingly pretty male model Jamie Burke played a set with his band; and Barney's, where so many strangers rubbed up against me that I felt like I owed them money afterwards.

But you weren't at any of those places, so I hopped a cab back downtown and met some friends at the Jane Hotel, which is kind of like the Beatrice was, except not quite as much fun.

Your pal,

Chris

P.S.

Call Me!
Mary-Kate Olsen serves the drinks, for a change.
Sarah Jessica Parker can barely stand the funky music from Oscar de la Renta, Barbara Walters, and Bette Midler. Neither can we.
Fashion Victim.
Grace Coddington is the only Vogue staffer allowed to laugh.
This leatherman is the ghost of the the Meatpacking District past.
Someone tries to mess with The Tinz' perfection.
Radical knitting group tries to take over Barney's handbag department in hopes of reinvigorating interest in wool handbags.
Gossip Girl-on-girl action.
Food! You don't serve food at a fashion party!
Booze. Now that's more like it.
Blake, what if we told you there will be blow at the afterparty.
That's more like it.
Running out of live celebrities, Bloomingdale's hired wax Leonardo DiCaprio to make an appearance.
Fashion's Night Out works! This woman came out to shop for the first time since 1977!
Charlize Theron is beautiful. That is all.
The only way to shut Isaac Mizrahi up is to ask him to sing.
Don't knock these boots.
"Uh, who are we waiting for?"
Give Georgio Armani five.
Rhianna got the dates confused with July 23, which is Fashion's Day Out At The Beach.
Anna Wintour has decided to start talking shit about Sienna Miller to her face.
Jill Zarin inspects her human avatar.
The rare site of Lindsay Lohan shopping.
Last night Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan made that rhino while playing Ghost.
André Leon Talley shows off his latest Snuggie.
Victoria Beckham thought she was showing up for a literacy benefit.
Michael Kors tries to slap Debra Messing when she points out the step and repeat matches his skin tone exactly.