After the nominal plea for privacy that will promptly be ignored by the press and the American public, Woods went on to lament the attention he's received ever since crashing his car and shaking loose a tree of secrets. All of those secrets are women, and we don't even know all their names yet. Still, Tiger is standing by his wife.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

Screw privacy! What kind of ladies Tiger like? Skinny, leggy, conventionally attractive women with long hair. He's not so picky about the color, but he's really into the length. It helps if they have an exotic name—even if it's Grubbs. All of his confirmed mistresses worked in Vegas nightclubs, so it seems that's where Mr. Woods goes to get his holes in one—especially at The Bank, which seems to be filled with deposits from Mr. Woods' millions.

Rachel Uchitel
Lives: Manhattan
Works: Director of VIP services at the Griffin nightclub
Fun Facts: Also had relationships with Derek Jeter and David Boreanaz. Has celeb attorney Gloria Allred on retainer. Her mother is a Florida socialite.
Outed By: National Enquirer.
Hotness: A solid 8 (out of 10)
TV Movie Casting: Jennifer Aniston

Jaimee Grubbs
Lives: Las Vegas
Works: Waitress at The Bank nightclub
Fun Fact: Yes, she was on VH1's Tool Academy. Claims to have 300 "sext messages" from Woods.
Outed By: Us Weekly for a tidy sum.
Hotness: 5
TV Movie Casting: Tila Tequila

Kalika Moquin
Lives: Las Vegas
Works: Marketing director for The Bank nightclub
Fun Facts: Throws an annual Vegas Prom event, and hosted about just about every club in town. She is one of the 31 most influential people in Las Vegas nightlife
Outed By: Life & Style
Hotness: 7
TV Movie Casting: Eliza Dushku

Elin Nordegren
Lives: Wherever Tiger is—except when he's in Vegas.
Works: Retired model, now professional Mrs. Woods
Fun Facts: Gave birth to Woods' daughter Sam in 2007 and son Charlie in 2009. She is Swedish and has a twin sister, Josefin.
Outed By: Marrying Tiger in 2004 after three years of dating.
Hotness: 9
TV Movie Casting: Jamie Priessly

Four Unnamed Others
Lives: Las Vegas, Orlando, and Verona, New York
Works: One is a marketing exec, the others just want a piece of Tiger.
Fun Facts: We're waiting to find out who these women are: one he took home from his favorite pick up joint, The Bank, in Vegas. Two others he took back to his room after meeting them at a casino in Verona, New York. The fourth was a girl he was feeling up in an Orlando bar.
Outed By: Us Weekly and TMZ
Hotness: We're reserving judgement.
TV Movie Casting: There's gotta be a part for Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta in there somewhere.

Us paid $150,000 for the Grubbs exclusive, according to our (unverified) tipster. The full story supposedly runs tomorrow, with the headline "Tiger Trouble." Our tipster also says that People didn't bid on her story, because "they are hoping to get first sit down with Tiger and don't want to piss him off!"

Makes sense! Email us if you know more. What we do know for sure: All these magazines are in a much better position than TMZ, which has been running breathless exclusives about all the trouble Tiger was in with Florida law enforcement, right up to the moment he received a big $164 ticket. TMZ commenters are mocking the site for its coverage. Heh.

The 10-second tape—which shows Ms. Tequila playing with a man's penis and then show's the man's face before ending abruptly—was put up on a free porn site. Tila says that the scene was on her laptop which was stolen about two years ago, and her lawyer is threatening to sue whoever leaked the footage (it's good sized, but not a foot—zing!).

That seems unwise, because what this tape seems to say is, "Hi, I'm Tila Tequila. This is my sex tape. This is the guy I made it with. Please pay attention to us." And this comes less than a week after she got naked and ranted on her UStream page, so she has been begging for some negative attention of the dirty variety.

We have no clue who the guy is, but he's not unattractive—well, for a dude getting his dick molested by Tila Tequila. He kind of looks like Russell Brand's hot brother. As Gawker's resident vagina expert, I can guarantee that there is no vagina in this tape. However, there is a whole lot of sadness.

If you really need to see the footage, it is on a site called 4tube.com that is very NSFW (unless you work in a Thai brothel). It is also not safe for your sanity.

Update: Thank goodness we have readers who are familiar with their online porn. Because a couple tipsters have pointed us to a free porn site which has the video the screencaps were taken from. So, no, that moaning girl above is not Prejean.

The blog Yeeeah! suggests that their pictures of a woman touching her ladyparts are screencaps from a video of the former Miss California masturbating. Prejean has admitted to making such a tape, calling it "the biggest mistake of my life." But still, there's no shortage of pictures of naked ladies on the internet, so we can't say if these are actually her. As Gawker's resident vagina expert, I have no idea if these are beauty queen ladyparts or plain old generic ladyparts. If you want to go judge for yourself they are here [NSFW, unless you work in a blow-up doll factory].

When this whole scandal about her sex tapes and naked photo sets started, Prejean copped to making a sex tape, but when porn company Vivid Entertainment threatened to release it, Prejean claimed that she was underage when it was made, thus making it illegal to dispaly. TMZ says it was made when she was 20 and RadarOnline says they have proof that some of the photographs were taken when she was of legal age. So, yeah, clicking through is probably legal. But if Chris Hansen shows up with a "To Catch a Predator" crew, you're on your own!

When the news broke that TMZ had a Carrie Prejean sex tape, but was making the magnanimous editorial decision not to air the "racy" video, the only possible explanations were either

• 1. The sex tape did not really exist.
• 2. The sex tape depicted an act so inhumanly depraved and unimaginably lewd that viewing it would turn you into a stone.
• 3. The act depicted in the sex tape was perfectly normal as far as amateur porn goes, but some stringent legal matter involving the creation and/or acquisition of the tape (say, the lead actress' age) had TMZ's hands tied.

Turns out it was the third. Hannity—who wrote the foreword to Prejean's new memoir, which will either sell far worse or far better than anticipated—asks about the sex tape first, and Prejean repeats several times that she was "all by myself," filming a sexy masturbatory gift for her boyfriend at a disconcertingly young age. It was "the biggest mistake of my life." The former Miss California explains that she is taking responsibility for her actions, and that she learned an important lesson from the debacle:

I've learned a lot about people and what they'll do to make extra money.

Klein donned his very best sequin-enhanced suit for a 96-minute interview with TMZ last night. "I've flown to Tokyo to see a patient. I've flown to the Middle East to see patients, where Jews shouldn't go," he explained. He's treated Charlie's Angels and moguls' wives. He's treated famous singers.

Famous people are not like the rest of us. For one thing, they trust men like this with their corporeal well-being. But they have other peculiar practices, too, which Dr. Klein was only too happy to outline. Here are a few:

• If at first their faces don't succeed, they try, try again. When Klein last saw Jacko, he looked like crap, so "I rebuilt his face." It was so far gone "we blew it up" and started with a fresh slate. "That's why I rebuilt his nose. His nose looked perfectly normal [after he fixed it, in This Is It], right? Michael Jackson looked like a nose ... It's not like rebuilding Babylon, but you have to do a lot of work to do this."
• 
  
• They like to pee in eccentric places. Asked how Jackson's alleged 1993 molestation victim was able to describe "in great details discolorations and markings in Michael Jackon's genitals," Klein doesn't miss a beat, first suggesting that the child had "studied the penis like studying a map," then offers an reasonable explanation for how the study session came about in the first place: "He pees in cups. I guess he was raised in a situation where they peed in a cups. I know a very famous country singer who pees in bed because it was the only way to keep herself warm in bed in the country."
• 
  
• They do not get addicted to crystal meth. Meth, Dr. Klein explains, is physically not addictive. "I could give Michael meth." He had a long line of reasoning for this, which involved asking for a show of hands of who, on TMZ's set, had ever had tried crystal meth. Unfortunately, nobody raised their hands, so I guess we'll never know the secret to non-addictive methamphetamine, now.
• 
  
• They get creative with skincare. Jacko had very bad acne. "Do you know how much acne he had?" Klein asks, full of indignation. "He wouldn't go to school. ... He used to love to go and scrub his face with Brillo. He thought it would cure his acne."
• 
  
• They find Prince rather boring. Bad was supposed to be an M.J.-Prince duet, Klein says. But it fell through when Prince showed up at Jacko's house and wouldn't shut up. Guy just talked and talked and talked and then, when he finally left, Jacko didn't bother calling him back and the two-man version of the song never happened.

First of all, Levi doesn't seem like the kind of guy who isn't in on his own joke. We're surprised that he didn't go on The Tonight Show himself to do the bit—and if Conan didn't ask him to, well, then he's stupider than NBC for putting Leno on every night at 10. Anyway, TMZ reports that Levi's lawyer, Rex Jones, has asked for a retraction because of the skit (full video below) where William Shatner, in patented hip cat poetry reading persona, reads supposedly real dispatches from Levi Johnston's dubious Twitter account.

We've believed for some time that the account is fake, and now Butler is claiming that we were right all along and is demanding NBC apologize for claiming there were the real tweets of Sarah Palin's nemesis. To NBC we say, first of all the account wasn't verified, so it was going out on a limb to say it was real. Second of all, duh! Levi may be a little daft, but he's not the asshole who sent those tweets.

As far as his infamous Playgirl shoot goes, we learned from the online publication that they finally got a signed contract delivered today. Now they only have a week to plan all the details of the shoot, which is supposedly going down on the 13th. Playgirl spokesperson Daniel Nardicio says that they're in talks with longtime staff photographer Greg Weiner—the latest to join the porn-named squad of Levi Johnston, Tank Jones, and Rex Butler—to be the lensman. They'll most likely be shooting at a well-known gym as well as a famous hotel and in a studio. Levi gets into town this Friday, so keep your eyes open for him around town. As for what Page Six had to say about the size of Levi's hockey stick, Nardicio isn't too worried. "We've never spoken to Levi about the size of his penis and trust me, we have no concerns as to whether it's big enough and if we did, we wouldn't be telling Page Six about it."

When talking to Page Six, Levi's svengali Tank Jones might have gone back on his previous statement that Levi would definitely be naked for the shoot, but we're ignoring that. Now that there has been so much chatter about the size of the rifle he's hunting with, he has to show to save face. If he doesn't everyone will say that the claims about it being small were right. We can't wait to judge for ourselves.

[Illustration by Steven Dressler]

TMZ just kind of drops this offhandedly in a post about Prejean being shown the tape by a rival lawyer:

The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. We know that, because TMZ obtained the video months ago but decided not to post it because it was so racy.

We like to picture a big, menacing team of hatchet-wielding attorneys standing over Harvey Levin's head as we read this. Anyhow, kudos to TMZ on its newfound virtue. If they don't want the tape, I reckon we'd take it.
[Pic: Getty]

And although its easy to sneer at the tabloid/celeb press as an acceptable target for the wrath of anyone, the fact is they are the last thriving arm of media in California, and through their dark corridors may lie the path to media's salvation.

The first major salvo came with that news that the LA Country Sheriff's Department, as part of their investigation into leaks around Mel Gibson's drunk driving arrest, had obtained the phone records of TMZ kingpin Harvey Levin.

Fighting back, Levin declared of the news while speaking to an audience in LA, "It breaks federal law, it breaks state law. "This is like Chinatown. It's disgusting they would do something like this. How do you protect sources? It goes to the core of freedom of the press."

That little completely obscene invasion of privacy is but one front in the war, however. As reported last week here on Defamer, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has all but shackled the paparazzi by passing limiting the ability of paparazzi to stalk at will across the state. The new law outlaws photographing celebrities involved in "personal or familial activity."

Celebrity journalists — the last minority in America acceptable to persecute.

The AP has confirmed what we already know, that Johnston has agreed to pose for the magazine. They also told us a deal hasn't been signed. We talked to Levi's svengali Tank Jones himself who said they're still trying to work out some details like how much money they'll get, where the shoot will take place, and how much Levi will show.

Originally, the shoot was going to be Levi without his Levis but in his underwear. Then it came out that Levi would show either the front or the back. The AP report explicitly uses the word "nude," so we don't think there will be any underwear. Jones told us that he's willing to "let the whole cat out of the bag." When asked what factors would determine whether or not Levi would go fully nude, Jones said that is a "game time decision" that Levi himself will have to make. "Once you let it out there, it's out, and you can't put it back," Jones said.

Jones also said that Playgirl, which now operates only online, offered $25,000 but they weren't going to do it for that much. Jones said that he would like the shoot to be in New York. I tried to get an invitation to the shoot should it happen in NY and I think I got shot down.

A source at Playgirl told us that the reason the deal hasn't been closed is that they're having a hard time ironing out the details with Rex Butler, Levi's attorney, who has stopped returning calls and emails. That is interesting, because Butler is the one who is quoted in the AP article saying the shoot is a "foregone conclusion."

Speaking of the AP story, gay porn blog The Sword [NSFW, unless you work at a dildo manufacturer], says that the AP originally published the story with a quote from the personal trainer about Levi. "Once you know him, he's very confident...When it's time for him to bare all, he'll be ready," said Marvin Jones, a former Mr. Alaska contestant who is the brother of manager/bodyguard/mascot Tank Jones.

A spokesperson from the AP confirmed that the story originally ran with the quote, but a later version it was taken out as a "routine editorial trim" and not from pressure on either side of the negotiation.

We were going to take "bare all" to mean that we're going to see what God gave him and he gave to Bristol Palin, but now, with the tentative negotiations reading a fever pitch, we're backing down to our original assessment. Johnston may be ballsy for posing in Playgirl, but we don't think he's going to make the big pass when it comes time for a "game time decision." Unless, of course, Playgirl ponies up the big bucks.

Of course, we'll keep you updated with any breaking news on this very important subject of national concern.

Breathtaking chart by the talented Steven Dressler.

The LAPD placed two officers, Rebecca Reyes and Blanca Lopez, on leave in connection with their investigation into the leak, the AP reports; supposedly the officers in question met Levin at a gay/lesbian networking event, at least according to a report floated in TheMediaBuffet.com, which last winter was first to report that TMZ paid $62,500 for the police snapshot.

Lopez's attorney has issued a blanket denial that she had anything to do with the leak; Reyes' lawyer has, according to AP, said she "did nothing criminal or anything for financial gain" — a much more specific denial that leaves open that possibility that TMZ's money may have gone to a friend or relative, as anti-paparazzi advocates claim is common practice.

The question of Reyes and Lopez's guilt is beside the point as far as the effect on TMZ is concerned: It's going to be harder to get the cooperation of law enforcement sources if they think it is at all likely a witchhunt will put their steady government job and comfy, government-funded retirement at risk, leaving them in the cold during a recession. Maybe Levin should put these two on the TMZ payroll, as a counter-example to others. He could certainly afford it.

(Pic: Levin at a Laker's game in April. Getty.)

They say journalism school gives you connections. In the recession-wracked media world of 2009 that apparently means having a sitdown with one of the most powerful forces in the celebrity industrial complex-Harvey Levin founder and captain of TMZ.com.

Yesterday, Levin stopped by the Columbia School of Journalism to take resumes and crow about the success of his popular celebrity gossip site. With his open-collared polo shirt and impressively orange tan, Levin looked like he arrived on 116th Street straight from a lunch meeting at the Ivy.

Early in his remarks, Levin issued the blunt proclamation that "newspapers are seeing their last hurrah as are, I think, magazines." He told the j-schoolers that we "are learning about a media that… has stagnated for decades and it's basically the same media that it was thirty years ago." Levin is hardly troubled by the demise of print media. He said the traditional news powerhouses didn't take TMZ seriously when the site originally launched in 2005. Since then, Levin says they have been forced to recognize him as a legitimate competitor. He gleefully recounted his various Michael Jackson death "scoops" as an example of this phenomenon.

There's no denying that Levin runs an impressive newsroom at TMZ. You basically can't check into a hospital anywhere in Southern California without him finding out about it. As Levin put it, "Anna Nicole Smith, we just dominated the coverage of that... we pretty much own the space in our little world just because this is a very vibrant news operation. We treat Britney Spears the way Fox News treats Obama."

According to Levin, Britney's various meltdowns have been a huge part of TMZ's growth in recent years. He said that, in terms of traffic, "over time nobody touches Britney Spears." This formula has been hugely succesful for TMZ. Paidcontent estimates the site's revenues for last year as being "in the $15 million range."

It's admirable that Levin has found a way to make a profitable newsroom, but it's beyond depressing that one of the few viable futures for professional journalism involves obsessive coverage of drugged-out starlets and endless Octomom updates.

After he spoke, Levin was mobbed by perky j-school students eager to give him their resumes. The stereotype of j-school students is that we all enroll with visions of writing ponderous Pulitzer-bait features and breaking Watergate-sized scoops, but in today's job market, it seems like a lot of us would be content writing about reality TV stars. Welcome to the future of journalism.

We caused an internet sensation yesterday after posting the video of Peniche romping naked with the Grey's Anatomy star and his former Noxzema girl wife, apparently in some sort of altered state. While Dane and Gayheart aren't talking (though their lawyer is!), Peniche hasn't shied away from the spotlight. TMZ has a video of her denying she had sex with the famous couple — they were just hanging out naked, y'all! — and saying the she was "just having fun with my friends." Oh, it looks like they're having fun, alright!

Also, when the cameraman asks if she's going to sue her former roommate and fellow Celebrity Rehab patient, Mindy McCready, she laughs it off. It's just another night out for Peniche! This impromptu interview contradicts an earlier story on the gossip website, which claims Peniche said that the footage was stolen off her laptop by McCready.

Kari Ann says she got into an argument with McCready over money and believes the singer took her hard drive when she moved out. Kari Ann freaked out about certain personal information about her on the hard drive and filed a stolen property report with the LAPD.

Last month there was a summit between Eric, Rebecca, Kari Ann and Mindy. Their reps hammered out a deal as to who got what on the hard drive. Eric got full rights to the video and everyone assumed that was that ... until the tape surfaced on the Internet yesterday.

So, where does Kari go from here? Her name will be in the press for a couple weeks until the heat from the tape wears off. Assuming that the LAPD doesn't nab her — though they're trying — there are only a few tried-and-true post-sex-tape career options. Rule out legit film or television work right off the bat. She's already done Playboy and a D-List reality show, so it's not like she can give those another go-round. Porn is always an option, but there is no coming back from that. Maybe a tell-all book, but that's only if she's willing to dish on celebrities and talk about her work as a Hollywood madam—but even then there will be no teary repentance on Oprah (maybe Tyra, but not Oprah).

Otherwise, she can get ready for a slow fade into obscurity as "the girl in the sex tape with Eric Dane and Noxema girl."

Rumors circulated last week that Montag didn't actually get fully naked for her upcoming six-page spread, rumors she attempted to shoot down when she told Life & Style yesterday, "I'm not wearing anything in the Playboy pictures...my skin is my accessory." But tonight TMZ is reporting that the rumors of Montag's non-nude spread are actually true, saying that a source told them that the magazine agreed to a strict dictate in order to get her to do the shoot: "No nipples, no vagina, no ass."

It's been estimated that Playboy paid $500,000 to get Montag to do the "barely PG-rated" spread, which is sort of astonishing when you consider that the magazine is hemorrhaging cash worse than most other magazines. Maybe for all of his obvious personal faults, Spencer Pratt's actually got a bit of shrewd business acumen in him, shrewd enough to milk a few easy bucks out of a desperate, near-death nudie publication anyway, which, when you really stop and think about it, seems to be exactly the type of thing Spencer Pratt was put on earth to do.

Obviously, you're about to embark into some mildly NSFW territory, though there's no actual "action" in these teaser clips, and the most vulgar thing about these are the language in them. The TMSleaze (website NSFW) tributes are, quite frankly, very well played, maybe with the exception of Tono Romo's jersey reading HOMO, but hey, that's porn for you. Maybe TMSleaze isn't Pulitzer-worthy, but this could at least be considered for a Peabody, or something. It's one of the more intelligent, current satires out there, and yes, it's a porn and mostly alludes to sex. But we should all feel upstaged: they took their position as a specific commodity on a moral battleground, and leveraged it into post-modernism. The porn industry calling TMZ sleazy is, whatever you think of the porn industry, an interesting statement. I await their parody of Gawker Media with baited breath. Do enjoy, and thank you Gawker Video Deity Richard Blakeley for the tip.

Meet Messica Simpleton and Boney Homo. I think the TMSleaze reporters call them the Texas Poboys. There's also an allusion to Terrell Owens, who's not given a name. There's also fried chicken involved.

In our second video, there's Lamey Swinehouse. She's drunk and bouncing a ball on the floor and screaming about fish and chips. The paparazzi decide to leave her to her own device, deciding that "this is just sad."

In clip three, you'll meet Spender and Hiney, from "that show...that bullshit show," and as everyone knows "they've got a sex tape, or they're going to put out a sex tape," or something. Photogs ask Spender and Hiney if they can take shots of them, and Spender asks them if they're going to "be on the cover" (get it, they're not in print?). The photog says "sure," and they allow the TMSleaze paps to snap away. After letting them know that two other "characters" have made a sex tape - LC and Bony - Spender and Hiney decide that they need to make a sex tape, too, there and on the spot. Note TMSleaze's accurate depiction of Spencer Pratt's creepy flesh-colored beard.

"Somewhere in America," shouts Ron Jeremy, "there's a really exciting story. But I doubt if anyone in this room's gonna find it!" This Joseph Campbell-esque insight leads to Slimin' - whose bad faux-British accent is reminiscent of Simon Cowell's - and a studio executive arguing. "Shut up you prattling little ninny, or I will retain your ass as a black man and and shine my Tony Lamas in your rectum." Cut to some woman writhing about a couch, licking Slimin's jeans. This is, presumably, Paula Abdul. Her handler walks in the room, and begins arguing about their differences in pay. Honestly, who is writing these? Maybe we do need to ring up Sig Gissler right fucking now.

Finally, meet Feminem and Linda Blowhand, who is with child. She's under the assumption that Feminem is the father of her child. Feminem is rapping in the studio, and uses the word "illin" in one of his raps. He's with an African American co-worker - possibly his producer, possibly someone resembling Dr. Dre - who lets Feminem know that "illin" is outdated nomenclature. "You keep spittin' that weak, people gonna know you whitebred," he warns him. He gets assaulted by Linda Blowhand, who asks him why he hasn't called. "Are you high? Are you tweakin' right now?" Feminem asks her. "What do you think I am? You think I'm your little diamond oven whore?" she screams back. She then reminds him that the "lady" - presumably a reference to Samantha Ronson - "isn't cuttin' it in the orgasm department." Feminem then inquires if it'd be okay for him to "come in you since you're already pregnant," which upsets her. "Hell no, I don't want fuckin' twins!" she assaults him.

The aforementioned cease and desist letter was obtained by TMZ and claims that both books, Scott's published in 2006 and Meyer's in 2008, contain a post-wedding sex scene, a scene where the main character's wife dies and a scene about a woman carrying a demonic child with evil powers, all with similarities in dialogue. Coincidence? Obviously, Jordan Scott's people don't think so, but Meyer's people are calling shenanigans.

The claim that 'Breaking Dawn' by Stephenie Meyer somehow infringes on an alleged book by someone named Jordan Scott is completely without merit. Neither Stephenie Meyer nor her representatives had any knowledge of this writer or her supposed book prior to this claim.

The TMZ post has a link to a 15-page PDF letter detailing the alleged dialogue ripoffs. Having read through it, I'm unconvinced of any wrongdoing. You'd almost think that Scott thinks as though she's the only writer to ever include a wedding, a death and a sex scene in a novel, but go ahead and judge for yourself.

It's hard to be a member of the fourth estate when Mel Gibson is involved. A reporter from Life & Style magazine spotted Gibson his and soon-to-be-birther-friend at the Playhouse in Hollywood. The reporter tried to snap a picture. When Gibson's "security team" intervened the reporter sent in her buddy to pose as a camera wielding fan. No dice! The buddy tried several times to get a picture then Gibson allegedly ripped at the guy's T-shirt

The man with the perforated shirt filed battery charges against Gibson this morning. But TMZ reports that the cops think the victim's story is bullshit, "Gibson was wedged in a booth with his pregnant girlfriend and couldn't have grabbed the guy's shirt."

Not to get all judgey on behaviors of others here, but what was a recovering alcoholic like Gibson doing in a night club with a preggers girlfriend? Doesn't he know that's where trouble lurks? Hollywood nightclubs are filled with offensive, unsightly T-shirts that demand tearing. Didn't Gibson know that he would be tempted to strike? I mean, given the proliferation of bedazzled Ed Hardy tees, wouldn't any of us?

Think about it, you guys.