• Q: How insane is alleged used vibrator criminal Casey Johnson? A: She and Tila Tequila just got "engaged." Tila—who once dated Casey ex Courtenay Semel—showed off "a 17-carat diamond ring from my baby. My baby is a billionaire! She's the heiress of Johnson and Johnson," then the pair made out for the cameras and Tila showed her boobs. Sometimes I look at pictures of these women, and they're like little girls playing dress up and making up fairy tales, and it's cute. Other times I remember that Casey has a daughter, and I feel like an accessory to a horrible crime. [P6]
• 
  
• Is Amy Winehouse back with Blake Incarcerated? They might have had a 36-hour love-in in Sheffield. But Amy's dad Mitch says it isn't true. (Which is actually evidence it might have. He's always wrong.) [ShowBizSpy] [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley are pissed at Page Six for saying daughter Alexa Ray's alleged suicide attempt was the result of a mother-daughter tiff. Alexa's hospitalization came "while suffering a devastating heartbreak." That's right, blame it on the boyfriend. [AP]
• 
  
• Nicky Hilton's stolen computer does not—she repeats does not—have a sex tape on it. That's Paris' thing, not hers. [TMZ]
• 
  
• "I can be up and down like a yo-yo," said unstable singing homebody Susan Boyle. "I can be depressed." In an interview the Sun she describes the "psychological bullying" of her youth. To demonstrate that show biz is no different than middle school, the Sun pairs this article about SuBo's mental health struggles with an unflattering crazy lady picture. [fig.1] [Sun]
• 
  
• A mysterious bouquet of roses appeared at the Woods home last night, and they were for Tiger. [fig.2] No word on who sent them, but you'd think there'd be zillions of bouquets arriving right about now, from aspirational quasi-hookers for Tiger, and aspirational modelizers for Elin. Apparently this was the only one. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Liza Minnelli has settled a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard, proving once and for all that Whitney Houston's movie was false. The guard accused Liza of "drunkenly battered him and forced him to bed her," according to NYDN, which fails to explain how on earth Liza kept this from the press for so long. Apparently Soumayah earned $238K to protect Minnelli, and endured physical and sexual abuse to keep his job. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal is going to propose to Reese Witherspoon over the holidays. This sounds about right, because there was that break-up rumor a couple weeks ago, and if I have learned anything from rom coms and the Longoria-Parker romance, it's that there is always a period of disarray and heartache right before the handsome man drops to one knee and tells the lady he just can't live without her. [PopEater]
• 
  
• Lindsay Lohan's philanthropic trip to India has "over 40 children saved so far... within one day's work." The girl is a child-saving savant. [P6]
• 
  
• When LiLo gets back from India, she'll have Gucci model Adam Senn waiting for her, says the Daily News. Senn is also a restaurateur, character on The City, and possessor of savvy gossip-leaking skills, because concocting this rumor while Linds is in India means she's probably too busy to deny it. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Tom Brady ex Bridget Moynahan wishes Tom and Gisele's new baby boy "the best." She also wishes everyone would forget she dated him, because she is sick to death of having her headshots next to Gisele's in gossip columns. [fig.3] [NYDN]
• 
  

Figure 1.













Figure 2.













Figure 3.

• Tyra Banks sat down with Larry King last night and revealed her deepest, darkest secret: she likes being naked. Unless the lighting's bad. Then she goes on a Naomi-esque rampage. Also, she's not Oprah, although Tyra tells King he doesn't need to use her last name. [CNN]
  
  
• Paparazzi under attack! Two photographers claim Tom Brady and Gisele's security guards opened fire on them after they shot pictures of the super couple's post-wedding bash in March. Now they want $1 million. [NYDN]
  
  
• Director Mike Tollin, who has a football-centric documentary coming out on ESPN, argues that Donald Trump killed the short-lived, 80s-era United States Football League, of which his New Jersey Generals were a part, by having it compete with real football. Trump, naturally, dismissed Tollin's work as "third-rate." [Page Six]
  
  
• Big congrats to underrated couple Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr: they just welcomed their first child, a girl named Buffy. Psyche. the little bundle's being called Charlotte. [Us]
  
  
• Someone hired Alexandra Richards to DJ for three hours, but she left after nearly 40 minutes so that she could eat dinner with friends. Then, when the club refused to pay for the whole time, Richards charged by the minute. We know prostitutes that do that, too. [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Harrelson became a vegan to fix his acne. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chloe Sevigny has found herself a new man: Jason Segel, who's on that show that also stars Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother. [Page Six]
  
  
• Howard K. Stern's in even more trouble over Anna Nicole Smith's death: prosecutors will reportedly five more felony charges against him for his alleged role in her descent into drug addiction and "pharmaceutical suicide." For the record, that's a total of 11 felony charges he's facing. [TMZ]
  
  
• Geri Halliwell wants the world to at least think there could be a Spice Girls reunion. Maybe to keep us all in line? [3am]
  
  
• The perpetually confused Mischa Barton was going to the opera the other night, saw a red carpet and just started walking it, then realized it was the Alice Tully Hall premiere of Michael Moore's new movie and then booked it to the opera's venue, a little place called the Metropolitan Opera House. Poor thing. [Page Six]

• Anna Wintour's main event-planning-lady - who she's had around for 11 years - is leaving to go spend time with her family. Her resignation probably came with an ambivalent scoff regarding weakness and moral fortitude, and as soon as she closed the door to Wintour's office, Wintour collapsed in heaving sobs. Probably. Maybe. Okay, that shit absolutely did not happen. [P6]
  
  
• Hollywood's Rapid-Fire-Speech Power Couple, West Wing actor Bradley Whitford and wife Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm In The Middle) are getting a divorce; they have three children. Want to tear up? Here's Whitford's famously charming and gracious Emmy acceptance speech in which he lovingly thanks Kaczmarek for her support of his career. It was going to be 17 years in August, and this is the second celebrity divorce announcement of the week (the first was Billy and Katie Lee Joel). [People]
  
  
• Last month's speculation Gisele Bundchen was preggers with Tom Brady's baby is now confirmed. No word on whether the child - like Brady's other baby - has a penis, or if it's right-handed. New England waits with baited breath. Meanwhile, somewhere late last night, the Manning family wardanced around a black cauldron and threw live lobsters into lime and burning sulfur. [NYDN]
  
  
• Gah! The Governator was on a flight when the cockpit filled with smoke and had to make an emergency landing. Everyone's fine and nobody had to "GET OUT OF THE CHOPPAH" because they were in an airplane, obvi. [TMZ]
  
  
• T.R. Knight made some stuff up about how sad he is to be leaving Grey's Anatomy, probably just to keep his agents from performing self-immolation in a Century City back alley. [People]
  
  
• Radio midget Ryan Seacrest was chillin' with Lindsey Lohan Thursday night until the late hours. Hey, whatever, I just work here. [E!]
  
  
• Woody Allen wants to put the moves on Carla Bruni. On behalf of all nerdy, sexless Semites everywhere, I say: Go with God. [NYDN]
  
  
• American producers of Britian's Got Talent are looking for their own Susan Boyle. Imagine that conversation: "Yeah, of course she can sing like Sarah Brightman, but unless she's seven and has a tumor protruding five inches out of her forehead, we're gonna have to pass. Sorry." [NYDN]
  
  
• Men's Health stud-in-chief Dave Zinczenko doesn't give a shit about swine flu. He had some party where they ate a bunch of pig. Meanwhile, the only men buying Men's Health still remain the ones who will never have AWESOME ABS IN NINE SECONDS. [P6]
  
  
• Beyonce totally stood up Manhattan nightclub Mansion - sorry, M2 - on a date. But the best part of the item is that M2's owner - Joey Morrisey - gets referred to by his last name throughout the piece. So it reads like the former lead singer of The Smiths and the former Destiny's Child frontwoman are about to throw down. Which would be awesome. [P6]
  
  
• Gossip Girl mom Kelly Rutherford is worried her ex-husband might run for the border with her kids. Josh Schwartz is somewhere taking script notes. [TMZ]
  
  
• Page Six watched Leighton Meester's sex tape - or, okay, "several different sources" coughNeel Shahcough - and notes that her feet are definitely the stars of the show. This was reported yesterday, but Gawker can't actually verify this until Managing Editor Gabriel Snyder approves an expense on the company card, so until then, turn to Page Six for all your hard-hitting Leighton Meester sex tape play-by-play action, which they will probably have the exclusive on before us. [P6]
  
  
• Heh. The Busey continues to spit game at whatever immortal age he's at. TMZ caught him at the beach talking to a gaggle of girls, though in all likelihood, he was probably lecturing them on the chi of the sand vulture's post hunter-gathering expedition sex rituals. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hugh Laurie could care less what happens to House. "I don't care what happens I only care how it happens. House could become a nun or an arms dealer or a transvestite," the Emmy-winning actor noted. Okay, House becoming a nun or a transvetite? Seriously great ideas, though. Either would get me watching the show again. [Showbiz Spy]

• Well ladies, you've all been lusting for the Alaskan cock-gangsta Levi Johnston for a while, and now your dreams can finally come true. He and Bristol are totally over after the Palin's bribed her with a pickup truck or something and now he's looking to lay down some fresh Alaskan pipe, if you know what I mean. [Daily News]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt, the "King of Weed," has been struggling with addiction problems for years and has basically given up on ever quitting and just gets high all day long. [Star]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is no fan of The Hills, calling it "so lame and fake," and we just think this is beyond hilarious in so many ways that we can't stop giggling about it. [US Magazine]
  
  
• Kate Hudson is most definitely boning Alex Rodriquez. She's even traveling with him to away games and staying with him in his hotel room and something just seems so utterly perfect about this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle may get pulled from the finale of Britain's Got Talent because she's cracking the hell up and is driving the crazy train right off the cliff right about now. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Tom Brady says that he is perfectly fine having only one child, therefore he has no plans on impregnating Gisele ever. [Daily News]
  
  
• Candy Spelling blames Tori for the death of her husband Aaron, saying that Tori's elusiveness made him lose the will to live. [DListed]
  
  
• Tom Sizemore is still out there doing what Tom Sizemore does—-Getting arresting for hopelessly dumb shit. [Hollywood Rag]
  
  
• American Express is suing Courtney Love for over $300k in unpaid charges to her account. [DListed]
  
  
• Coldplay is having to cancel dates on their current world tour because Chris Martin caught the pig AIDS or something and is losing his voice. [Sun]

• Gisele Bundchen is reportedly preggers with Tom Brady's baby. The 18-to-44 year-old male demographic throughout New England yet again begin ritualistic sacrifices of their own children as they pray for a better, stronger, faster, functioning-knee enabled, penis-equipped fetus to emerge from the holy Brazilian loins of Ms. Bundchen. [NYDN]

  
  

• Clay Aiken apologizes to his fellow alien from Planet Karaoke, Adam Lambert, for openly communicating his displeasure with Lambert's version of "Ring of Fire" to the heavens. His opening salvo: ""Who knew I had so much influence and that my words and opinion mattered so much to so many people!?!?! HA HA HA" Professors who devote their lives' work to post-modernism wake up in the middle of the night, start crying, and begin furiously scribbling away. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Beyonce's advice to women: You look gross when you're emaciated, stop going to the gym obsessively, we look good with some skin on us, you know? In other news, call volume to 1-900-Mix-A-Lot surges exponentially. [NYDN]

  
  

• Kiefer Sutherland and the Guy He Head-Butted issue a joint statement noting that any bad blood between them is gone. Meanwhile, after you read the term "head-butt" so many times, it starts to get funny. Because, you know, what if he butt-headed the guy? Just sayin'. [E!]

  
  

• Twilight looker Robert Pattinson gets some can in Cannes from a random. Teenage girls everywhere begin to file down their "fangs," ready their slambooks, and generally prepare to "slay that bitch." [P*r*z H*lt*n]

  
  

• The KKK (Kim, Khloe, Kourtney) materialize at some party in South Beach, their publicist gets hit in the head with a camera (apropos, much?), and Kourtney's all like "BACK THE FUCK UP!" which is hysterical because it's maybe the most articulate thing she's ever said. [Page Six]

  
  

• Like Christopher Hitchens and some Playboy blogger before him, Radio "shock" jock Mancow is not only still around, but apparently, got waterboarded. And nobody gives a shit. [TMZ]

  
  

• Beef, uncooked: Giada De Laurentiis and Rachel Ray have put the guns down, and will sign a peace accord, thus putting Food Network executives' concerns that they'd have to erect a tower-guarded twenty foot wall between their studios to rest. [Gatecrasher]

  
  

• Potential New Kickdog-Replacing Hollywood Accessory: bunnies, as evidenced by Nicole Richie's baby's daddy (did I get that right?) Benji Madden walking out of a Coffee Bean with one. Or he's going to eat it. Here's hoping he won't, because you know you want to see Christian Bale taking one of those to the gym. In fact, we're all about Hollywood adopting bizarre-ass pets to carry with them. Next should be a baby anteater. Seriously. [D-Listed]

• Country singer Keith Urban dumped a huge load of poop at Webster Hall last week. Plus, after the concert, his tour bus driver emptied a massive amount of human waste onto 13th street. When Webster employees went to clean up the mess they were said to be revolted by the thick, soupy sludge of Bewitched DVDs and Australia script pages. [P6]
• Crazy Bai Ling, a participant in some sort of long-running Chinese version of King of Hearts, insists she did not have sex with Mickey Rourke, as has been widely reported. She also informed the press that her house isn't made entirely of balsa wood, just mostly, and that her nipples can, in fact, cause rainstorms. [P6]
• Gary Coleman has made a movie called Midgets vs. Mascots that is, in his own words, "worse than any film school project." Though, he was sure to add, he is still available for most film school projects. [P6]
• Poor, ruined Jennifer Aniston was seen to be all smiles at a recent Paul McCartney concert at Radio City Music Hall. A witness on the scene said of the jilted actress: "She looked really happy. There was a definite glow to her." Sadly that glow was from a healthy cocktail of doctor-prescribed no-more-crying pills and bloody marys drunk out of an old thermos. When she returned to her apartment, Aniston shuffled around the kitchen chain smoking, ashing in the sink, guzzling from a bottle of geverztraminer, weepily mumbling the words to "When I'm 64." [NYDN]
• Gwyneth Paltrow is reportedly terrified of shampoo, thinking that it will give her children autism or cancer. She's so repulsed by the stuff, in fact, that she will only let her kids use it when it is squirted onto their heads from a gigantic tube by a sweaty, wheezing Mario Batali. [NYDN]
• As Real Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon shuffles around in her babushka, keening and trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered life like she was in some sort of sad, foreign war movie, she's letting some bygones by bygones. She is, for example, no longer feuding with costar Bethenny Frankel: "It was just two girls having conflict. I really don't think anything of it. It's over." She smiled a creaky smile, shakily poured herself another vodka, and added: "Actually I was just approached to star in a film. It's called Two Girls Having Conflict. Except, you know, the last word isn't 'Conflict.'" She sat there, blinking for a while, when a loud whine and rumble seemed to emanate from her face. She laughed bitterly at the reporter's surprise. "Just my tear ducts getting started up." [Us]
• Supposedly Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, two lovers who met at a particularly wild Bryn Mawr mixer one windy Saturday eve, have broken up over Twitter. "Being cheated on does wonders to you. I'm doing this publicly because u&ur friends call People mag," Lindsay somehow manipulated her fingers into typing over the weekend. Then there was just a mash of random keys: ";alksfdj p34u4asld;k..." which was explained a few minutes later in a third and final post, "Sory, fell of sofa. Am under coffee table now. Dusty." [Hollyscoop]
• Prime-cut American Mansteak Tom Brady has gone and married his little sugar cane, Giselle Bundchen. Again. The pair was already wed in California earlier this month, but over the weekend they had another service at Bundchen's family house in Costa Rica. As she stood in her fitted white dress, the ocean breeze making her hair dance softly around her face, the faint lilt of music coming wafting from somewhere down the beach, Brady's ex Bridget Moynahan screwed the silencer onto her pistol. She then retreated into the bushes, and waited... [People]

Image via Splash

Sure, we always suspected that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were psycho gunslingers, but this seems a bit extreme. Gisele reportedly had an exclusive photo deal with some Brazilian magazine; when the couple's bodyguards caught the two photographers trying to take photos from a neighbor's land, they brought them back to the house, where they were "screamed" at by Brady's friends and bodyguards. When they finally left and drove away, they say, this happened:

As the lensman drove away, Aviles said he spotted one of Brady's men pull a pistol.

Seconds later, a bullet shattered the back of Cortez's SUV, struck a front windshield wiper and then bounced back into the cabin, landing in between the terrified shutterbugs.

"I thought this was going to be my last job," Aviles said.

The fotogs said they found a .38-caliber slug in their SUV's front cabin.

NOT COOL. Yuri Cortez is reportedly a stringer for AFP, and that's really, you know, not generally acceptable. Shooting at news photographers. The bigger issue here: is the magazine world this competitive now, that photo exclusives must be protected with handguns? Shall we expect OK! magazine to hire Blackwater in the near future? Or have they already?

Given that Tom Brady plays for Boston, this was probably inevitable. [NYP, INF Daily. Pic, by Yuri Cortez of the AFP, via Getty]

• Aniston was in Germany promoting her sad little dog movie, Marley & Me, with her sadsack costar Owen Wilson, doing sad things like eating dog biscuits for the shrieking delight of strangely-dressed Europeans. Jen then volunteered to get down on all floors and eat poop if it meant that everyone would love her again, but the German people—always kind, always understanding—put her to sleep instead. [NYDN]
• Was Rihanna's World's Worst Fan Chris Brown canoodle-dancin' with big-butted Kim Kardashian's probably also big-butted sister Khloe in Miami? That's what E! thought yesterday. Turns out they were wrong. When asked if she was in fact cutting rugs with the ruined crooner, Khloe said she'd never met him, but then begged and pleaded for the cameras and news reporters to stay while she twirled her dress and batted her eyelashes and a cold rain fell on Miami. [P6]
• Katie Holmes wants you to stop saying horrible things about Suri, she's just a child after all, and you should stop paying attention to her, she recently told Glamour magazine in a cover-story interview. [Us]
• Madonna's little Brazilian youth sex-outreach project, Jesus Luz, fingered his nose at Madonna's ex-lover Alex Rodriguez by wearing a Yankees cap when he went to Maddy's Kabbalah center in New York. Fearing embarrassment, though, Jesus had Madonna drop him off a block away from the center so his friends wouldn't see that she drove him. [Us]
• Ugly, stupid bitch Gisele Bundchen, some sort of stupid dummy model, has gone and snarled her snake-y talon claws into America's Greatest Hero, noble-but-wounded New England Patriots quarterback Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. She'll be the step-mother to Brady's child, born by the wicked, minnowy actress Bridget Moynahan, who must have done something terrible to make this noble God of Truth, Justice, and Bedroom Eyes to treat her the way he did. A nation mourns. [Showbiz Spy]
• Britney Spears is worried that her "comeback" tour will flop. She's finally got a good head on her shoulders, hasn't she? [ShowbizSpy]

• Nadya Suleman's mother is so over babysitting Nadya's original six kids so she can visit the other eight. She also thinks the kids should be given up for adoption. Meanwhile, Nadya thinks the hospital might not release the octuplets to her. [Us]
• Been laid off? Mr. T says you should "man up," "keep trying" and stop "crying like a baby." Also, "knock a fool out," but only when necessary. [Mirror]
• Tila Tequila wants Christian Bale to verbally abuse her. Assuming that will get her a headline. Score! [Us]
• Sumner Redstone still attends events with the wife he divorced in October, amid rumors he was hanging around with the ex prior to her.
• Derek Jeter helped his 22-year-old girlfriend tighten her ass with a program of guided gym workouts. It was actually her idea, so try and figure out who' using who. [Gatecrasher]
• Jodie Foster was clocked going 54 miles per hour in a 35 zone in Beverly Hils. In a Prius, because she cares about the environment. Only broadly speaking, apparently. [P6]
• Rachel Ray is poised to be just as obnoxious, untalented and out of place at South by Southwest as she is on the Food Network. [P6]
• Rihanna was photographed on a beach in Mexico. Looking unhappy, obviously. [Mail]
• Guy Ritchie calls ex-wife Madonna "It," supposedly. [Sun]
• Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen married in a stealth ceremony in Santa Monica last night. Due to time zone issues, British tabloids could only take pictures of cardboard cutouts of the couple.

It seems that San Diego native Wilkinson still hasn't forgiven Brady for beating her beloved Chargers in the AFC championship, and she'd rather go naked (a simple proposition!) then wear the number of the noted Gisele diddler. Lucky for Wilkinson, then, that the Chargers won't be playing the Philadelphia Eagles, where her rumored secret fiance Hank Baskett is a wide receiver. Meanwhile, we await the sports affiliations of brand-new Girls Next Door Karissa and Kristina Shannon, though we do hear that the twins are no strangers to "unnecessary roughness." [E!]

As the supe tells the magazine's July issue, "We met through a friend who knew us both for a long time. Believe me, I didn't even remember [his picture]. Our friend knew that we would like each other. And we did. So I guess he was right." As if the fact that she couldn't remember who the guy was wasn't insulting enough, her list of Brady's charming attributes is just plain sad: "We have a lot of things in common...he is a really great person. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body...He is a very positive person." Those things in common? Well, Bundchen played volleyball once or twice as a gawky Brazilian teen, and Brady has apparently taught her why "all those guys keep hitting each other" on the football field. If that isn't chemistry, we don't know what it is. But quite frankly? From the sound of it, Gisele would really get a kick out of our Uncle Irving. Sure he's pushing 70, but man is he ever positive and great. Plus? No pregnant fiancee in the closet. We're calling our "guy" and Bundchen's "guy" stat to set those two sure-thing lovebirds up.

[Photo credits: GQ via Egotastic]

• GISELE BUNDCHEN DISHES ON LOVE AND TOM BRADY [People]
• GISELE BUNDCHEN IS TOPLESS, AND BOTTOMLESS IN 'GQ' [Egotastic]

Can't you just hear the photographer's shouting instructions after seeing these shots? "That ass must be shinier! Tanner! Perkier! I want it leaner and meaner! Faster, Ass Man, we don't have all day!" And then Gisele's reaction: "But Meester Photograffer, Tommy say my ass eez pretty just way it is, no?" And finally, Ass man's barely-audible mutterings: "Remember this day forever. Take a mental photograph to be used each and every time you have sex with your wife. Do not try and bite it, whatever you do, do not take a bite out of that ass."

[Photo Credit: INF]

• GISELE BUNDCHEN'S ASS GETS THE RUBDOWN [Egotastic]

While not quite as steamy as a potential Brady/Bundchen bangfest, The NY Post is reporting that Sienna Miller and Diddy were also caught getting frisky in the basement on the secret perv cam. Which begs the question: if you got your hands on one of these candid camera moments, which one would you rather watch? Yes, Tom is hunky, but Gisele's all lanky and bony. And yes, Sienna seems like the kinky type, but we've seen Diddy pee on YouTube. On second thought, if you could pick from any Hollywood couple, whose uninhibited horizontal moves would you most likely snap up faster than the speed of light? Leave your submissions in the comments!

• CELEB ANTICS ON THE MENU? [Page Six]

After all, there seems to be a recent trend of top-notch athletes sputtering out when their superhot sig others show up to watch the big game. Just a few weeks ago, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo had his worst game of the season when Jessica Simpson turned up at Texas Stadium (wearing a pink Dallas Cowboys jersey, no less). And traveling even further down memory lane, we recall Andre Agassi's final, teary loss at the 2006 US Open. Who was in his player's box that day? None other than Agassi's forehand smashing wife, Mrs. Steffi Graf! Are you listening, Sean Avery? As tempting as it may be to bring Lake Bell or Elisha Cuthbert or whatever beautiful babe you'll be banging come May to a Stanley Cup playoff game, your best decision will probably be to just leave them at the hotel room.

Item one: Let's take a look at the empirical evidence. Brady (Gisele) lost the Super Bowl. Romo (Jessica Simpson) lost in the playoffs. Tony Parker (Eva Longoria) is injured. Matt Leinart (Paris Hilton) also got hurt. Further back, Mike Tyson (Robin Givens) went crazy, David Justice (Halle Berry) got accused of steroid use, and Andre Rison (Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes) got his house burned down.

Or, put another way: Brady had one of the best seasons in history. Romo had a career year. Parker has won three championships. Leinart was a top draft pic, Tyson was a champ, Justice won some rings, and Andre Rison is a five time Pro Bowler. In other words, all these guys did great things, even as they were boning some famous girls.

Item two: This supposed curse really needs to be clarified. Plain old beautiful women are not dangerous to performance, apparently, because damn near every married professional athlete has a beautiful wife. Tiger Woods, the most successful athlete working today, has a famously smoking wife:

So do scrub baseball players like Kris Benson:


Item three, in which we explain the fundamental roots of the error: This "Curse" bullshit is based in three things. One, the old crusty coach's idea that sex before sports can make an athlete worse; that one is a myth. Actually sex raises testosterone levels in men, making them more manly, aggressive, and powerful. Second, there is a simple feedback mechanism most men have that allows us to keep our self esteem high. When we see another man with a beautiful woman, we must assume he is a bitch (David Beckham), or a pretty boy (Don't make me kick your ass, Oscar de la Hoya), or— best of all— cursed! This helps us believe we're still at the front of the line, baby.

Finally, there is a female-driven paradigm of hate that is the psychological flip side of the male desire to undermine our competitors. Females, faced with the prospect of a simplistic boyfriend being bombarded with images of successful athletes (his heroes) being rewarded with famous celebrity women (his poster-bound fantasies), must act to incite a negative response in the man's mind, lest he lose all grip of reality. Knowing that he values his sports even more highly than his sexual desires, the idea of a curse is implanted into the public dialogue, instigating a reaction of fear, rather than lust, towards famous female sexual objects. No single Jessica Simpson blow job is worth a playoff loss to a real Cowboys fan.

The media simply feeds on this triumvirate of underlying influences to perpetuate the myth of a curse, because it's a pretty good story. But really, athletes should feel free to go ahead and scoop all the actresses and super models they want. New England didn't lose to New York because of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen. They lost because Boston sucks.

The sun may be setting on the fairy-tale love story of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen. Born out of the football-player's maybe-cheating on impregnated girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, the Tom-Gisele union seemed destined to succeed, and it appeared that at last these two deserving individuals had finally found a love true and pure.

And yet recently, preoccupied with the rigors of his new ad campaign for sleazebag cowboy cologne Stetson (not to be confused with Shania by Stetson) and busy with the new son that he never sees, Tom appears to be losing interest in his Victoria's Secret girlfriend. The luster of banging an aging supermodel has understandably worn thin, and the time has come to trade in for a younger and thinner model who preferably speaks better English.

Sensing her man slipping away, Gisele at first tried to play nice with Bridget and curry Tom's favor by thoughtfully sending Bridget a onesie for the bastard child that said "Supermodel" on it. But as the public fights with Tom continued, Gisele knew that she was at a crossroads with only two options—either get plastic surgery or get pregnant. Indeed, every self-respecting woman knows that the best way to keep a man who is slipping away is to juice up the implants, fake a miscarriage, or up the ante and really get pregnant. But while plastic surgery is forever, pregnancy is fleeting and children can be ignored. If Gisele wants to keep her man, it's time to go fishing—fishing in the trash for used condoms, that is. It didn't work for Bridget, but the second time's the charm.

Since Gisele is a savvy businesswoman, as evinced by her line of gorgeous peasant sandals, odds are she'll shrewdly choose the pregnancy route that will at least temporarily prolong her relationship with Tom. While this spells good news for Gisele, it is bad news for the American—we taxpayers who must shoulder the burden of yet another unwed mother draining our welfare system. .