World's Sanest Family Seeks New Thetan

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly in the market for another screamless Scientology birth. [E!]
• Paris Hilton isn't engaged to singer Benji Madden, she's just wearing those two diamond bands on her ring finger in an effort to look extremely desperate. She also claimed, "I cook great lasagna," which pesumably involves toggling between 30, 50 and 100 percent power on the microwave when the Stouffer's is in there. [People]
• Liv Tyler is separating from her husband Royston Langdon, a British musician. [People]
• Defeated American Idol contestant Jason Castro on forgetting lyrics on camera: "I definitely did not do that on purpose." [ET]
• Ashlee Simpson calls fellow singer Britney Spears a "trashy girl" on an excruciating celebrity talk show improbably run by Nokia. Also, apparently a "Britney Spears" is code for "a beer" in some parts of the world. [Sun]
• That painting of actor Heath Ledger, for which he posed just prior to his death, won the people's choice award at the Archibald Prize Exhibition in Australia, where the painter lives. [People]

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Naomi Campbell Pretends To Be A Good Person

• Instead of viciously beating people with her cellphone, supermodel Naomi Campbell tried bringing tea and coffee to assistants on the TV show Ugly Betty. Ten bucks says the coffee and tea had, in turn, been bought by Campbell's own assistant, and that Campbell hasn't been into a Starbucks since 1998. I hope someone demanded her drink be brought back with nonfat milk at exactly 195 degrees. [News Of The World]
• Miley Cyrus after some kind of Disney concert in Orlando: "I hope you had an awesome time. I saw a sign back there that said: 'Miley, I'm praying for you.' I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love every one of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you." I think she could be more appreciative. [Sun]
• Victoria Beckham and husband David were looking forward to a quiet trip to Napa Valley via Tom Cruise's empty-and-waiting private jet. Turns out Cruise, his wife and four Hollywood pals were waiting on the plane to surprise them. See, for Scientologists, the line between "surprise party" and "awful kidnapping" does not exist. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Winona Ryder apparently still allowed to shop. [Popsugar]
• Lindsay Lohan is going on Ugly Betty. [People]
• Amy Winehouse, who is Jewish, is wearing rosary beads to support her jailed husband. Further destroying the Catholic church is just a nice side effect. [Oh No They Didn't]
• I can't muster much outrage, but the British tabs sure can: "POP mogul Simon Cowell has been allowed to park his Rolls-Royce wherever he likes — a privilege usually reserved for the QUEEN." [Sun]
• In the wake of testimony against her alleged stalker, Uma Thurman went brunette. This information would be of use pretty much only to... stalkers. [P6]

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Tom And Katie's Romantic Trip To "Gold Base"

• Tom Cruise sent wife Katie Holmes to a three-day Scientology boot camp at "Gold Base" to prevent her from working on her Broadway play in New York without him, said Star magazine.
• Paris Hilton looks frighteningly skinny in this picture. [Sun]
• Miley Cyrus "skipped" a Disney event in Orlando, Florida, which would have been her first public outing since her racy Vanity Fair shoot. [LA Times]
• Druggy singer Pete Doherty is the guy who managed to shoot up not just in jail but in the detox unit of the jail. So the Brits decided to just let him go, one month into a three month sentence. [Sun]
• Former child star Gary Coleman went on Divorce Court with his 22-year-old wife Shannon Price. Coleman failed to support Price in a fight with a stranger about when the world was ending. [DListed]
• Jason Biggs from American Pie married actress Jenny Mollen in a private ceremony last week. [People]
• When singer Lou Reed and performance artist Laurie Anderson got married, they paid $10 to be wed in the "Boulder Mountain marriage license office." [Gigwise]
• Dennis Rodman, the former basketball star, was arrested for hitting a woman in a hotel. [Enquirer]
• Singer Usher denied rumors he wanted to auction pictures of his baby son. [P6]

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Princess Leia Played With Han Solo's Light Saber

• Carrie Fisher so totally did have take a ride in Harrison Ford's Millennium Falcon during the filming of the Star Wars movies. Fisher: "Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes." The Sun headlined their story, "Carrie: I gave Ford Obi-Wan." [Sun]
• Uma Thurman's stalker, a sometime mental patient, once wrote the actress, "My hands should be on your body at all times." Also: "Butter... chocolate... mouth... twitch... seduce." The stalker fixated on Thurman after elderly film star Carol Channing "broke my heart in the early nineties." Thurman took up "stress smoking" amid the stalking, her dresser said in court. Thurman is expected to testify as early as today. [Post]
• Lauren Conrad of the Hills is dating a 22-year-old minor-league baseball player named Doug Reinhardt, whose sister Carey appeared on Laguna Beach with Conrad in season two. TV host Ryan Seacrest finds him boring. [OhNoTheyDidn't]
• Mel Gibson gets to act in a movie again, for the first time since yelling at police about Jews while drunk. He'll play a heroic police investigator. Who uncovers a conspiracy to fleece society by a conniving, powerful elite. Good to see he's moved on. [Reuters]
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer didn't just have dessert after lunch. They had "dessert" after lunch. [Sun]
• Basketcase singer Amy Winehouse might get to sing the theme song for an upcoming James Bond movie. [LAT]
• Singer Britney Spears' perfume took in $84 million last year, because crazy smells delicious. [E!]
• Spears is going to be on that one show again. [Sun]

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Amy Winehouse's New Man To Solve All Her Problems

• Amy Winehouse went on a rampage of terror last week, headbutting and punching people, getting high in the street and stiffing her cabbie. But the addict/singer also made out with some random guy, and maybe that's why she now has a new man named Alex Haynes, who works for Winehouse's manager, and doesn't look nearly fierce enough to handle his insane new girlfriend. Winehouse's mom thinks he's great because Haynes is always "popping out to buy cigarettes, papers, anything she wanted." Other people point out that buying whatever Winehouse wants is maybe not in the singer's best interest.
• Prior to Haynes, Winehouse had a thing with a photographer named Blake. Not the Blake who is her incarcerated husband, obviously. [ShowbizSpy]
• Oprah's new interview with Tom Cruise will indeed include questions about Scientology and that time he jumped on her couch. See, Oprah's not afraid to be hard hitting. That's why she also took a ride on Cruise's snowmobile. [ET]
• Paris Hilton's boyfriend Benji Madden drove over a paparazzo's foot while pulling away from a West Hollywood nightclub with Hilton in the passenger seat. The socialite and musician are accused of a hit-and-run and police are investigating the incident. [Sun]
• Actress Jennifer Anniston met singer John Mayer for a late lunch. WITH DESSERT. This changes everything. [OK!]

Tom Cruise To Again Terrify Oprah, New York

• Tom Cruise will appear on Oprah Winfrey's show who for the first time since his couch-jumping insanity the last time he was on the daytime talk program. The twitchy Scientologist will be on the show twice, once May 2nd from home and then May 5th in Oprah's usual studio. The visit coincides with the 25th anniversary of his movie Risky Business. [AP]
• After going on Oprah, Cruise will smother Katie Holmes by following her to New York for six months. Or they were never going to get separated in the first place and the tabloids are looking for a storyline that prevents Cruise's presence from proving them wrong. Either way. [OK!]
• Birthday party for Cruise and Holmes' two-year-old: $100,000. Flowers alone cost $17,000. Plus the stress tests and thetan cleansing were probably also in the five-figure range. [LA Rag Mag]
• Donald Trump "was big on the idea" of having OJ Simpson on his Celebrity Apprentice show "for a few minutes" until NBC executives nixed the idea. That's kind of the opposite of what happened to Norm MacDonald, if I recall correctly. [P6]
• Police incorrectly answered a question from Uma Thurman's stalker about whether he was allowed to have a lawyer present, so now they have to throw out his confession. Wait, you can "confess" to stalking? Well, why not. [P6]
• The solution to Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's many emotional problems? A child, of course. Owen's idea. [Star]
• Cynthia Nixon is getting married to her partner. [JJ's Dirt]
• Someone invited Jerry Springer to give the commencement address at Northwestern's law school, so of course the students are up in arms. But is the best response they can come up with really just to shout "You suck?" [P6]
• Laugh all you want at Amy Winehouse, she's worth $20 million, according to the Sunday Times. [Showbiz Spy]

Paris Hilton Banned For Acting Like Paris Hilton

• Paris Hilton was banned from at least one Hyatt, in Moscow, for scribbling her name on the wall in black marker. But it was for a very important picture of Paris looking hot (at left, via the Sun), so it was totally worth the $9,000 fine. [Sun]
• OJ Simpson would like to appear on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice to create the least appealing television imaginable. [P6]
• Tom Cruise's 13-year-old son Connor will appear in a movie in a bit, non-speaking part with Cruise's Scientology-friendly buddy Will Smith. [AP]
• Heather Mills, former wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly a $20,000 per-night prostitute who acted out lesbian scenes for clients. [Daily Star via Gaunabee]
• Amy Winehouse and her husband were offered $2 million to recount whatever they can actually remember of their drug-adled marriage. [Sun]
• There's official confirmation of the Beyonce/Jay-Z wedding, in case you had been delaying your celebration. [OK!]
• There's supposedly a sex tape of the fiancée of Opie from the radio show Opie & Anthony. The fiancée is said to be shown with Bam Margera of MTV, from before she met Opie. [P6]

Anne Hathaway Will Scratch Kate Hudson's Eyes Out Some Day

• Kate Hudson said Anne Hathaway's boyfriend is a loser because he was arrested for writing a $215,000 check he could not cover. Hathaway was all, "whatever, I'm over it," even though she totally wasn't. Now they don't get along. [Oh No They Didn't] (picture via Oh No They Didn't)
• Britney Spears picked up "a hot shirtless dude" on her way to the hair salon, recruited the top two trainers at Bally Total Fitness and paid out around $400,000 in advances to her lawyers.
• Here are pictures of Angelina Jolie, at 16, in skimpy outfits. Sort out the ethical ramifications of looking at them on your own. [Sun]
• Nicole Kidman supposedly wants to get her kids out of the Church of Scientology, according to this guy who talked to this guy who talked to Page Six. [P6]
• Tom Cruise's flack is calling "completely untrue" reports his marriage to Katie Holmes is crumbling. Katie Holmes appeared in pictures looking "like a damn zombie," albeit a zombie with very cute hair.
• Kimora Lee Simmons, who the Church of Scientology bragged was their inner-city recruiter, continues to be determined to reproduce. She said if she wishes hard enough, it will happen: "I would be very proud to have a baby, so it will come soon." [OK!]
• Is this the guy who sent Jennifer Anniston those secret admirer bouquets? "Mets pitcher John Maine... says, 'I just love her soft and natural, girl-next-door looks and the way she carries herself, her whole demeanor.'" Maine will only move in if Anniston promises he gets to tend the rabbits. [HollyScoop]
• Amy Winehouse was supposedly making a big special album for addict husband, who is in jail. But when the big day came, she did not visit, or even send a card. You just knew this was going to happen, but still — so lame. [Sun]
• Madonna will be paid close to $25 million for two gigs in Dubai. [Sun]

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