Her reasoning was that since she was up last, all the good Tom Hanks jokes had already been made. But really, what's funnier than Julia Roberts simply shocking the monocles off everyone by saying swear words? Plus she talked about Rita Wilson's "tits." I had no idea you had this in you, Vivian.

[via PopEater]

That low rumble you felt in your loins this morning wasn't the D train beneath you, headed north to Fordham. No, it was a subconscious reaction to the news that Zac Efron, a young and brave ambassador from the Elf kingdoms of the West, has been cast in yet another movie. It's called The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud, based on the novel of the same name. This comes on the heels (harrrrr) of the news that he's ducked out of the remake of Footloose that Disney-porn auteur Kenny Ortega plans to direct. It's unclear when Efron, whose Elf name is ZaideeEfwinkle, will return to his kingdom of mushroom stools and Kikaree birds, but it seems likely that he'll first have to play the lead in that buzzed-about Shirley Temple biopic. [Variety]

Tom Hanks is developing a movie based on the old action hero space toy Major Matt Mason, who was a noble explorer of the final frontier who lived in a space station. The project is expected to proceed apace until some brave intern timidly taps Hanks on the shoulder and, when he's got his attention, kindly and quietly reminds him that he's not 35 anymore. [Variety] Dennis Quaid and Julianne Moore fucking hate each other. Oh wait, ha ha, no. Just their characters. Quaid is slated to play Bill Clinton and Moore his beautiful wife Hillary in an upcoming HBO film called The Special Relationship, about Clinton's dealings with British PM Antoinette Blair. A weary, so very bored Michael Sheen will once again play Blair, his third go around in the role. [Variety]

National Amusements cinemas is up for sale (by Citigroup), but is not attracting any bids. Potential buyers have been chased away because they want to buy select theaters from the 1,000 screen chain, not the whole kitten caboodle, but Citi won't let 'em. Had they done like I wanted and kept the Circle Cinemas in Cleveland Circle open, none of this would be an issue, I suspect. [THR]

Jon Hamm is playing the lawyer who inspired Perry Mason in the Allen Ginsburg biopic Howl. [Variety] Sparkly vampyr twink Robert Pattinson is going to be a star-crossed lover in the Summit feature (they own him) Memoirs. [Variety] And Slumdog Millionaire pretty face Freida Pinto will star in Julian Schanbel's next artsy fartsy movie, alongside Hiam Abbas, who acquitted herself beautifully in The Visitor. [Variety]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer scourge Michelle Trachtenberg has been cast in that pilot about nurses that isn't Nurse Jackie, called Mercy. She'll play a clueless dork. Fitting. But srsly, folks. This woman has the best agent in the biz. Her continued and frequent employment is baffling. [THR] Meanwhile George Lopez, the man responsible for both Beverly Hills Chihuahua and for currently ruining Nick at Nite, has nabbed the most coveted job in showbiz. He'll be the host of a TBS late-night talk show. Sounds bleak, sure, but Lopez actually has kind of a rabid following. (Rabid was a joke about chihuahuas... sigh). [THR]

Now, thanks to the Talkshow with Spike Feresten, we bring you this side-by-side treatment showing just how similar the two movies are, only with backwards-aging replacing development retardation as the movie's featured handicap. We'll let them lay out their case now—it's pretty convincing!

Dowd bragged to MSNBC that Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen couldn't get into her big inauguration party last night. She's a celebrity! A crowd gathered behind her during the MSNBC interview, because, the cable network dubiously claimed, members recognized the columnist and were fans, apparently enamored of Dowd's pointless pop-culture references and tired arch emasculation of various male liberals.

Anyway, Dowd said she's very happy about racial discord ending forever — she grew up with black people, you know — so she drank champagne and ate croissants at the Lincoln Memorial, in celebration of DC being integrated. What? Why would Dowd tell this story? Is she trying to parody herself? On peyote? Off of Ritalin?

In another bizarre, self-undermining statement, Dowd said she would go easier on Obama than on Bush, but implied this was only because she was terrified the diverse crowd behind her would tear the columnist limb from limb. Whatever.

Thanks to intern Stacey Fitzgerald for finding this awesomely surreal interview. Clip above.

Variety reports that vocal strike authorization supporter Frances Fisher recently forwarded an email, to a "significant number" of Screen Actors Guild members, which encourages voters to cast their SAG Awards ballots for anyone but the several notable nominees who have publicly opposed the union's possible strike, some citing the troubled economy. The emailer wrote:

If I were a regular, ordinary, not-rich-and-famous actor, and if I wanted my union to be strong so it could fight for me ... would I want to give any of these rich-and-famous UNION-UNDERMINERS my vote?

He or she was referring to: Steve Carell, Michael C. Hall, Kevin Spacey, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Tony Shalhoub, Sally Field, and Josh Brolin. In, sum, all of these rich and famous folks are nominated for SAG awards this year, and the anonymous actor doesn't want them to win a beautiful trophy. That'd be showing 'em!

What's a bit strange is that some of these richie rich actors against the strike—which would, in part, fight to guarantee a residuals system for online content—are noted godless lefty progressives who should be down with the union's struggle against big bad corporate-minded producers! (I'm looking at you, Susan Sarandon and Alec Baldwin.) It's a tricky matter when the industry's myriad behind-the-scenes workers are considered—workers who would be, like they were during the WGA strike early last year, shit out of luck if a work-stoppage (which even those who support the authorization referendum are hoping desperately to avoid) were to go through. That's probably the concern of these eight people, though they may, overall, not feel quite as adamant about heckling over residual dollars as some of their lesser-known peers who, like, need to pay the rent and stuff.

Fisher had asked that her name be removed from the email if any of the recipients decided to forward the missive on to anyone else, but, well, oops! Former SAG president (and Veda Sultenfuss' uncle) Richard Masur compared the email to a blacklist and said that Fisher should publicly condemn the boycott, by way of an apology. The glittery, beautiful TNT-aired SAG awards shouldn't be sullied by politics!, the argument seems to be.

Meanwhile the 90% of SAG members who are out of work and not invited to the awards show and don't know these fools from Adam, shrug their shoulders and say "spare a quarter?"

Proposed Voting Boycott Irks SAG [Variety]

The Vatican's disdain toward both Demons and its blaspheming predecessor The Da Vinci Code has been moderately documented here in the past, with Speedoed star Tom Hanks and source novelist Dan Brown each feeling the wrath of various Catholic grievances. As indicated by today's preview from the set, however, the A&D threat that most of us fear — stiff line readings, nonsensical revelations — is a less intriguing commodity than the church's very real antipathy, best represented by a priest whose acknowledged unfamiliarity with the books wouldn't dissuade him from "throwing them into the fireplace after two or three pages."

That's the kind of holiday spirit we'll miss following this last week of 2008, and which hopefully will reemerge as the film's only viable, exciting conflict leading up to its summer '09 release. Bonus: We think we spotted Raffaello Follieri in his big-screen breakthrough opposite Hanks; the camera was a bit removed, but listen closely and the word "palude" comes up at least once in all the stilted English. And rightly so! It wouldn't be a Vatican scandal without him.

• 'Good Morning America' [ABC]

When Roth said the sequel would pick up two minutes after the original, just as Gump has dropped his son (Haley Joel Osment) off at the bus stop, one audience member asked how Roth planned to address Osment's leap in age. "Actually, I kill him off in the first ten pages," Roth blithely replied after a conspiratorial vow of secrecy. Cold! That school bus didn't look like a 1995 Saturn...

• 9/11 Killed the Forrest Gump Sequel [Slashfilm]

"I'm telling you, he's got a scene where he's swimming in Speedos, and he looks fantastic," Grazer says. "He's going to add 10 years to his career with that scene alone, just watch."

Though we've gone on the record as staunch Tom Hanks apologists, the notion of this scene has us worried; after all, not every fiftysomething has the defined pecs of a Grazer. It's been nearly a decade since Hanks whittled his body down to Cast Away shape — and that butt shot from last year's Charlie Wilson's War? All we're sayin' is that we wish it was as forgettable as the movie it was in.

• First look: 'Angels & Demons' will fly faster than 'Da Vinci' [USA Today]

"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]

In today's installment: Francis Ford Coppola and Pauly Shore (duh!), Tom Hanks, Bob Newhart, Warren Beatty, Woody Allen, Katherine Heigl, The Jonas Brothers, Forrest Whitaker, David Spade, Michael Cera, Johnny Knoxville, Rita Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, Rose McGowan, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, Bobby Trendy, Joshua Kelley, Kevin Farley, Tila Tequila, Robin Antin, Charlyne Yi and more.

MONDAY, JULY 28
· Very few people impress and awe me as I have lived here most of my life and work at a place where I see amazing people every day. However, Monday while I was trekking up Westwood Blvd to hit Un-whole Foods for lunch when my jaw dropped. Coming out of Rite Aid was none other than BOB NEWHART. It was such a total shock. He is a national treasure. He should be escorted around in a popemobile or something that fits his stature, not hobnobbing with mere mortals. Then, the next days, I was having an apres earthquake lunch with a friend at The Stand and, what do you think, she tells me that she just saw Bob at the CVS south of Wilshire! He seems to be making the rounds. Gotta love him!

TUESDAY, JULY 29
· FORREST WHITAKER indulging some fans outside ONE Sunset. Not as big as I thought he'd be.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30
· I spotted JASON SCHWARTZMAN in the Staples on Sunset. He wasn’t holding any office supplies, but he did look like a man on a mission. Very handsome, although much smaller than I would have expected.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1
· I was celebrating another lamb to slaughter (aka bachelorette) party on Friday night at the busted "club" Tao in Vegas that's in the Venetian/shopping mall. Our table and both area ended up being a thoroughfare for ho's who wanted to hop on a near-by platform type area that faced the DJ booth blaring out a medley of top 40 thru the years. FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA was sitting on the other side of our booth —just sitting— fat, old and alone and no one seemed to pay him much mind. I was still contemplating the surreal aspect of his presence and wondering why the fuck he would be wasting his time in such a lame place when I almost got knocked over by PAULY SHORE. I assumed he was in a crazed rush to get to FFC, imagining this as his moment to get on cinematic top due to a magical chance meeting with a great director at a club in a mall. I positioned myself to get a full view of their sure to be awkward exchange. It took PS about 10 minutes to get up the nerve to bumrush FFC and it was over quick. It soon became clear that the real story of the night was PS's apparent need to commute to Vegas for club pussy. He sat on the platform for hours grabbing and pawing at any tallish, blonde-ish Forever 21 dress model that danced within his grasp. I saw only one of them give him the hands-off, the rest all reacted quite favorably. It was truly incredible. I can only assume that Paulyy takes the LV tourism ads to heart. Perhaps rejected and dejected outside an LA club one night- a light went on..." Not only will I probably be able to get into clubs there -If everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas..then surely some drunk, vacationing skanks will hit it with me!"
· Seinfeld's LARRY "THE SOUP NAZI" THOMAS having breakfast at Aroma Cafe in Studio City.
· WARREN BEATTY with two young girls (daughters?) and a blond
woman at Humprey Yogart in Sherman Oaks.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2
· Saw RITA WILSON and TOM HANKS at the Century City Mall with, I think, their youngest son, walking by the Apple store. I recognized Rita first and wouldn't have known it was Tom until I heard him laugh. They looked like a nice, happy family. One of the more normal spottings I've had in this damn city.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3
· As I was sauntering down the alley behind Fiesta Cantina on my way to one of the WeHo bars that looks like a W hotel, I came upon BOBBY TRENDY with two (real) girls giving advice to some 'roided out queen in a Mercedes convertible. They were assuring said queen that his outfit looked good. Note to 'roided out queen: do not take sartorial advice from fucking Bobby Trendy. He basically agreed you looked good in bleached, capris lengthed overalls (!) with a thin black belt and white espadrilles.
· I spotted the Skanksis of Evil: Piggez Hilton, ROBIN ANTIN of Pussycat Dolls 'fame' and gay rights pioneer, TILA TEQUILA at 11. Piggez was basking in the lamelight of the other two and wouldn't be surprised if he called the paps himself. Not all the cheap beer prices in the 'Ho could destroy those images. And don't you think i didn't try.
· Had multiple celeb sightings at the Dolly Parton concert at the Greek theatre Sunday night. First, saw KATHERINE HEIGL with hubby JOSHUA (who is surprisingly hot in person). JUSTIN CHAMBERS was with them as well. Katherine was wearing glasses, sun dress, looked nice. Waited in line for the bathroom like a normal person. Right after I saw them, a strikingly pale and plasticky looking chick walked by in a yellow dress...turns out it was ROSE MCGOWAN. She was with some dude who wasn't Robert Rodriguez...guess they really broke up, or he's not a Dolly fan. Finally, walking out I nearly bumped into JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, tall and haggard looking, which I guess is the result of beating the crap out of yourself for a living.
· Went to the amazing Dolly Parton show on August 3rd. Spotted a grey-haired JOHNNY KNOXVILLE (with daughter in tow?) and MR. AND MRS. KATHERINE HEIGL Hate to break it to you, but when a fan or two approached her, she seemed smiley and rather gracious. Or maybe I had too much wine.

MONDAY, AUGUST 4
· MICHAEL CERA and CHARLYNE YI having a late lunch at Mustardseed, just now. They were with two other guys I couldn't identify by the backs of their heads. I recognized Charlyne Yi first and then noticed the beloved George Michael whose hair was cropped super short, rendering him naturally incognito.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5
· Saw those cute Menudo boys [Ed. Note - I'm assuming she means THE JONAS BROTHERS, because surely the members of Menudo can no longer be considered "cute", right?] being rushed to their Delta flight yesterday morn. Security had to grab them as so many little teen girls were hounding them. Gotta luv those boy bands!
· ASHLEE SIMPSON and PETE WENTZ at the Hush Sound show at El Rey Theatre. They chilled in the band's private booth upstairs with all Pete's friends.
· I spotted WOODY ALLEN outside the Los Angeles Shakespeare Theater offices downtown talking to comedian BRENTLY HEILBRON. Is it for this?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· DAVID SPADE (in mesh baseball cap & jacket... in August?) with KEVIN FARLEY at the Steve Miller show Wednesday at the Nokia. Not in the "pit", but close and either playing air guitar or making fun of the folks around them ... which was weird because they were there and clearly fans. (I got free tickets and figured what the hell, but I have to say Steve Miller is rock solid and clearly loved by his fans.)

His logic is crystalline, but alas, its political incorrectness is drawing even deeper consideration this morning as disability advocates wage war on the R-Word:

It’s just good clean fun, the studio might say, pointing out that the movie also pokes fun at racial stereotypes. It’s a sendup of old Hollywood films that trotted out able-bodied actors in disability drag, like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and Sean Penn in I am Sam. Stiller isn’t laughing at people with intellectual disabilities, I can imagine his publicist saying. He’s laughing at the way Hollywood portrays them.

But for the estimated 14.3 million Americans with cognitive disabilities and their families, such arguments may be problematic. These people share a history of segregation and exclusion, and report that what many call the “R-word” reinforces negative social attitudes just as surely as racial, ethnic and sexually oriented slurs do. ...

“What we are seeing already is a cause of great concern,” [said Peter V. Berns, executive director of the disability activist org The Arc of the United States]. “People with intellectual and developmental disabilities have had a lot of pejorative labels assigned to them over the years. I’d like to think that we as a society are getting past that, but we are seeing one after the other examples that this is not the case.”

Indeed, Stiller's joke is on Hollywood and the likes of Hanks, Hoffman, Penn and others — not to mention the punchlines implicit in an industry whose urge to outdo itself seems directly inverse to its ability to moderate taste. That's all Tropic Thunder is in the end, and really, if it didn't go "full retard" the same way it goes "full megalomania" (with Tom Cruise) or "full junkie" (with Jack Black), it would be an even more protest-worthy clusterfuck of pulled punches and missed opportunities. We'd hate it, and those 14.3 million Americans (and their families) would still face much worse every few years come Oscar season. They still may, of course, but we have faith that once the "full retard" is out of the bottle, it's gone for good. Let the healing begin.

• 'Once upon a time … There was a retard’ [Patricia E. Bauer via NYT]

With a flank of beef spitting on the rotisserie, [Hollywood Records exec group] Steal Thunder took the stage. Jeremy Piven got up and beat the heat by keeping the beat on the bongos. Then, Kid Rock decided to rock the stage. [...]

With the Stanley Cup front and centre on stage, [music exec Joey] Scoleri moved from vocals to guitar as Kid Rock (who his friends refer to as Bobby) led the party through 'Rock n' Roll' by Led Zeppelin, 'Gimme Three Steps' by Lynyrd Skynyrd, his own single 'All Summer Long' into 'Sweet Home Alabama' and then concluded with Grand Funk's take on 'Some Kinda Wonderful'. And it was!!

Word filtered through the hills of Malibu that the Stanley Cup was at the Wildmans' Fourth of July party, and guests were surprised to see Tom Hanks and Sylvester Stallone wander into the celebration. "I heard the Stanley Cup was here," said Hanks, who was excited to see hockey's greatest prize.

We encourage you to read the rest of the amazing, boldface-packed account. But for a less rosey-hued take on the day's activities, there's always the NY Daily News's, which doesn't gloss over all the busty Kid Skanks who used it as a makeup mirror. We can only imagine the illicit goings-on we have yet to hear about: perhaps Rock's ingenuity in converting the trophy into a pneumatic whippit-delivery device. Let's just try to enjoy all the good times had by the World's Greatest Hockey Achievement, before the inevitable rehab announcement comes from a sober NHL rep.

• Stanley Cup Journals: 13 [hhof.com]

As SAG begins its 38th day of negotiations with the majors today, the pro-AFTRA forces have added Alec Baldwin and Kevin Spacey to their list of several hundred endorsers, led by Tom Hanks and Sally Field. ...

SAG announced Tuesday it had added high-profile supporters including Jack Nicholson, Ben Stiller, Josh Brolin, Ed Harris, Amy Madigan, Viggo Mortensen, Nick Nolte and Martin Sheen. It's also amped up its PR campaign via print ads.

The SAG-AFTRA brawling also raises the key question of clout. SAG has blasted the notion of the AFTRA deal serving as a template, because AFTRA's last primetime contract generated $40 million for members while SAG's last three-year feature-primetime pact generated $4 billion over the same period. Observers say the argument makes little sense, because SAG has so many more members working in the primetime and film arena.

Elsewhere in the paper, the AMPTP gets the backhanded benefit of the doubt: "Studios could stop haggling over pennies, but that's sort of like telling an insurance company to quit low-balling you. That's just what they do — relying on any sane person to give up first." Which suggests to us there's only one solution — a fun, unscripted, winner-take-all slugfest that would conveniently circumvent any potential work stoppage following AFTRA's ratification vote next month: Ladies and gentlemen, let's play the Feud!

• SAG, AFTRA in Spin Cycle [Variety]
• SAG Misses its 'Norma Rae' Moment [Variety]

• Ashley Dupre, call girl to former Gov. Eliot Spitzer, thanked her MySpace fans "for taking the time to send me a bit of strength and inspiration... your words have touched me." She thanked her detractors for making "me push myself and want it even more." [MySpace]
• Corey Feldman fought with old buddy and fellow child star Corey Haim on a reality show, and it emerged both had been molested at kids. Feldman felt the need to clarify that pop singer Michael Jackson was not the molester.
• A handwriting expert is suing Bryant Gumbel for allegedly smearing him on HBO's Real Sports. [Post]
• British singer Boy George really wanted to put on a special show for the New York sanitation workers with whom he performed community service, but he was denied a visa to enter the country, on account of an upcoming trial for allegedly imprisoning a male escort. [Post]
• British author Ian McEwan said he despises "Islamism" because it oppresses gays and women. [Times]
• Michelle Williams, mother of deceased actor Heath Ledger's child, is worried Ledger's mother and father will blow through the money in his estate before the child is 18 and able to claim any. [P6]
• Clearly trying to seed a sequel to his 1986 laugh riot The Money Pit, actor Tom Hanks keeps insisting his mansion in Sun Valley was poorly constructed. His latest appeal for legal intervention was rejected by a California court Friday. [P6]
• The 13-year-old daughter of billionaire Revlon chief Ron Perelman asked for a protection order against her mom and Perelman's ex-wife Patricia Duff. [Post]
• Singer Stevie Nicks said everyone should buy records and in turn save the music business and in turn "bring peace to our earth." [R&M]