Gawker: tomkat

Invasion Of The TomKat Snatchers

Seth — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 16:22:43 EDT

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes attended a cocktail party for the cast of the revival of All My Sons last night at Hermes's flagship store in New York, shocking fans and jaded paparazzi alike as they emerged from their limousine to reveal that the two had morphed into virtually the same person—a freak evolutionary byproduct of Cruise having spent every waking moment since May 2005 obsessively observing his wife for signs of resistance or flight. Granted, Holmes still enjoyed one distinguishing feature in her six-inch height differential, but that should even out in no time once the ancient Scientological practice of calf-binding completes its painful, appendage-condensing process.

[Photo credit: WENN via Hollyscoop]

Remainders: Next Week's Gonna Be Even Slower?!

Doree Shafrir — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 18:40:01 EST

The Coop, set to music. [DotComedy]
Mike Tyson to be a whore. [StarPulse]
Nicholas Kristof doesn't have to reveal his FBI sources. [Media Mob]
Tom and Katie's wedding guests, deconstructed. [TMZ]

Gossip Roundup: TomKat Will Make the Trains Run on Time

suki — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 12:20:12 EST

Tom and Katie to marry in Mussolini's hideout. [China Daily]

Former LA Laker Rick Fox and Sharone Stone dating, wish it was still 1992. [Star]

Ivanka Trump dating that 70s guy. [Page Six]

Brad Pitt dresses up as a carpenter for Halloween. [Life & Style]

No such thing as "too soon" for Bill Maher. [Us]

Heavy D wants his money, career back. [NYDN]

Gossip Roundup: Because He Got High

Jessica — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 13:10:46 EDT

• George Michael gets so stoned that he stops his car in the middle of a North London intersection and slumps over. This, alas, leads to his arrest. Poor dude's just chilling a little bit, thinking about McDonald's...what's the big deal, man? [AP]
• After realizing that baring her breasts is not enough to sell albums, Janet Jackson considers a reunion with Justin Timberlake for a "big, live show." Because if Timberlake bares her breasts for her, then she'll taste success. [Page Six]
• Robin Williams: in and out of rehab before you even knew he was gone. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Martha Stewart has a torn hip muscle. It's not the proverbial broken hip, but any injury in that area signifies the beginning of senility. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Katie Holmes starves herself until she's thin. At least she's starting to behave like a normal starlet again. [Scoop]
• The 25-room Guccione mansion is going for $5 million dollars? That's a helluva price cut, or a helluva gaffe. [Page Six]
• When ~~Aaron~~ Nick (does it make a difference, really?) Carter learned that Paris Hilton was cheating on him with Chad Michael Murray, he beat the crap out of her. Then he went and hooked up with Ashlee Simpson. [Us Weekly]

The Truth About Suri Cruise and the 'Vogue' Source Who Knows Her Well

Jessica — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 16:15:51 EDT

If you're the type of person who's reading a website like this, there's a good chance you've already gotten an email forwarded to you explaining that the true father of Suri Cruise is actually Chris Klein. According to the email, which we've now had the pleasure of receiving 23 times (but please, don't stop!), the real story is that Katie Holmes was knocked up when the two broke their engagement, and so she quickly took Tom Cruise up on his "be my beard" deal. They acted like press-hungry idiots so everyone would believe they were so insane — er, in love — as to have a baby right away. Cruise gets his cover, Suri's not a bastard, and Katie doesn't look like a ho. The end.

We are 100% certain that this is all steeped in fact. Why? Because the email forwarded to us, in every instance, has come via a "source at Vogue who knows," complete with said source's contact info at the bottom of the forward. Well, shit: if it were coming from Elle or InStyle, we'd scoff. But if it's coming from Conde Nast's Temple of Wintour, that information is rock fucking solid.

But! Just to be sure, we contacted the Voguebot listed at the bottom of these emails; the poor dear was completely unaware that the email, which she had been sent by her sister-in-law, who had found the story on some Australian site, the link to which had been given to her by her best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, had been making the rounds. In fact, she only sent it to 8 of her friends, who each then sent it to 8 of their friends...

Shocking, but in the end it's all stupid gossip, and not really from an informed Vogue source. Next time, we'll know not to believe anything until it comes from a more respectable source. Like Glamour.

Gossip Roundup: Liza's Valtrex With a 'V'

Jessica — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 13:20:28 EDT

• Gays, hold on to your pants, because the ugly is about to get uglier: David Gest, estranged husband of Liza Minnelli, is requesting that the court disregard the duo's prenup, as Liza failed to disclose that she was a herpetic alcoholic with violence issues. Even more horrifying: this implies that Gest learned the truth once he got his own lesions, meaning the two actually slept together. Behold the miracles of science. [E!]
• Tom Cruise continues his descent into obscurity by making appearances as Six Flags and a Redskins game in an effort to appear "average" and "normal." [Wonkette]
• Ashlee Simpson hits Barneys, spends $11K in a mere 30 minutes. And you thought she didn't have talent! Also, post-surgery, she's rather attractive. [BWE]
• According to his ex-wife, cuddly Tom Hanks is a secret hate-fucker. [Page Six]
• Christina Aguilera endures the ultimate humiliation: getting bumped from the cover of Vibe in favor of Bobby Brown. [Lowdown]
• Ian Schrager bans Paris Hilton from his Gramercy Park Hotel. What we'd give to see her drunk ass getting denied at the door. [Page Six]
• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen also experience the sting of rejection: having failed to RSVP for a Vogue-happy party, they never got past the entryway. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Young Hollywood acts stupid, amazes masses by nonetheless walking upright. [R&M (bottom)]

Gawker's Week in Review: Yes, Suri, She's Going to Have a Rough Childhood

Jessica — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 18:55:08 EDT

• After an extended period of darkness, 4-year-old Suri Cruise finally reveals herself to the world as a beautiful Asian-American.
• Katie Couric sashays onto the CBS Evening News, and the world is amazed that vaginas can read.
• And in other kind-of-vagina news, Rosie O'Donnell assumed the position on The View.
• Paris Hilton gets cuffed and it's got nothing to do with a sex tape.
• Cuddly rapper 50 Cent trades in his shiny Lamborghini for a trip to central booking.
• Glamour asserts itself as the most absurdly omnipresent magazine out there with four Today show appearances and a sponsored helicopter service.
• Sumner Redstone cans former prez and CEO Tom Freston, but not without the employees giving a cuddly send-off first.

Suri: The Critics React

abalk2 — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 09:23:49 EDT

Today's Times offers a sophisticated exegesis of the Suri Cruise Vanity Fair spread. Roving critic Caryn James starts by hitting all the usual notes ("What 5-month-old has a stylist? Or photos taken by Annie Leibovitz?" and "The extravagantly orchestrated photo shoot reveals a media circus masquerading as ordinary life, and speaks to the devil's bargain some celebrities make with the public.") But then things take a turn for the worse, as James criticizes Leibovitz's photography ("not her best," "pretty but ordinary") and exculpates the press ("No one really thought Suri was imaginary or some creature from another planet." Oh really?) and suggests that Tom get former publicist Pat Kingsley back (we're sure he's just been waiting for that advice from the Times.)

One of the more interesting criticisms is against Vanity Fair features editor Jane Sarkin, who wrote the piece. James accuses her of complicity with the Cruises. Leaving aside the fact that, you know, no one was expecting a hard-charging expose of Tomkatsur^*, James does have a point. The profile is pretty soft even by puff piece standards. What's the deal? Maybe a recent interview with Jane will shed some light:

Who are a few celebrities you've met?
My favorite is Tom Cruise, because he was really interested in my family and my children. He's making a movie about my brother Jon.

Now we understand why Tom wanted to go to Vanity Fair: He knew what he was going to get out of the gate. Oh, right, and because it's so classy. Definitely the class factor.

A Rich Coat of Gloss on a Trajectory Spiraling Down [NYT]

Vanity Fair Editor Jane Sarkin [TeenInk]

Related: Metamorphosis [Jon Sarkin]

^*Don't worry, we're just trying it out. It probably won't last.

Remainders: Our Last Suri Mention of the Day. Exhale.

Jessica — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 19:00:38 EDT

• Why does Suri Cruise look so freaking weird? Because she's everyone's baby, a child of the whole wide world. Makes you feel fuzzy, don't it? [Defamer]
• Jessica Simpson and John Mayer aren't a couple, and that might have something to do with his relationship requirements: lots and lots of phone sex. It helps if your name is Misty. [RS]
• Total Eclipse of the Heart causes Belgians' eardrums to explode. The song is just that good. [Consumerist]
• For NYU students: how to fuck up your suicide attempt. [Wikihow]
• The Corcodevil is going for $50 off — now you only have to fork over $150 to look Satan in the eye and ask why you've been forced to buy in Bushwick. [NYT]
• Only 21% of reviews were hot for Katie Couric's first newscast. Let's see what she wears tonight, shall we? [Journalism]

Suri on 'Today': Photos from a Magazine on TV on the Internet

Chris Mohney — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 17:00:37 EDT

You think you've had enough Suri Cruise? We'll tell you when you've had enough Suri Cruise. Until then, you're the Internet's little p t goose getting force-fed Suri cornmeal until we've decided your liver is just succulent enough. Above is this morning's Suriana from the Today show (baby-wig-tip, Cityrag), with Vanity Fair's feetch editor Jane Sarkin glibbing it up with Matt Lauer on the whole photographic extravaganza. Sarkin knows how to bring both the bubbly and the serious, so sit back and watch how the pros do it, Janice Min.

Katie Couric and Suri Cruise on 'Us Weekly Live'

Jessica — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:00:12 EDT

We're still grappling with the enormity of it all, the overwhelming revelation of Suri Cruise's hair and the crushing reality of Katie Couric as an evening news anchor. It's hard not to be dizzy at such an exciting time as this. Nevertheless, in an effort to understand, let us all repeatedly study the most important 61 seconds in the history of the entire world, when a woman wearing white after Labor Day showed us pictures of TomKat's baby Bjork.

Earlier: Suri: The Photo You Won't See in 'Vanity Fair', More Suri: "This Is Definitely Tom's Child"

Suri: The Photo You Won't See in 'Vanity Fair'

abalk2 — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 12:28:35 EDT

We highly recommend you go buy your own copy of Vanity Fair; you will surely want to keep and frame the images within. Here at Gawker, however, we've been fortunate enough to obtain an original shot of the Cruise family, one untouched by the photo-editors at VF. Everything seems at once more and less confusing.

Vanity Fair Exclusive: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise Talk About Baby Suri; 22-Page Family Portfolio by Annie Leibovitz [VF]

Earlier: More Suri: "This Is Definitely Tom's Child", Today on 'Today': There Is a Suri, and She Is in 'Vanity Fair'

A Special Note to Our Readers (and the Vanity Fair PR Department): This is a parody. A parody. The Asian baby photoshopped into this image is not meant to represent the Asian baby shown in the actual image. The baby in this photo is not Tom Cruise's daughter. As far as we know; the dude gets around. Thank you for your wisdom and understanding.

More Suri: "This Is Definitely Tom's Child"

abalk2 — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 12:00:34 EDT

"I think she has Tom's eyes. I think she looks like Tom." — Katie Holmes

Like so many of you, we ran out first thing this morning to get a copy of the new Vanity Fair; we cannot get enough baby pictures! Above is a taste of what you'll find in the 22-page profile. Also, Katie? Don't oversell.

Vanity Fair Exclusive: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise Talk About Baby Suri; 22-Page Family Portfolio by Annie Leibovitz [VF]

Earlier: Today on 'Today': There Is a Suri, and She Is in 'Vanity Fair', Again With The Suri Cruise Photos
Subscribe to Vanity Fair!

Today on 'Today': There Is a Suri, and She Is in 'Vanity Fair'

Jessica — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 11:01:55 EDT

HOLYSHITDIDYOUHEAR? Today's spanking-new Vanity Fair is a glossy manger, cradling the messiah of celebrity journalism, adorable 2-year-old Suri Cruise. Vanity Fair features editor Jane Sarkin hit the Today show just now for the requisite scoopy plug, noting that she spent a full five days at the TomKat compound in Telluride and wasn't forced to take a single E-meter test. More importantly, the article and accompanying photos, which you've been waiting for since Katie Holmes first donned her $5 million prosthetic womb, constitute twenty-two fucking pages of the magazine — the most Vanity Fair has ever devoted to an Asian-American!

Earlier: Again With The Suri Cruise Photos, Suri Cruise Picture Revealed At Last

Gossip Roundup: Kate Hudson Remembers She Has Husband

Jessica — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 14:05:28 EDT

• Kate Hudson comes to her senses (maybe) and realizes that Owen Wilson (possibly) is not the most stable choice (on earth). But is she ready to go back to a life of picking food out of Chris Robinson's beard? [Us Weekly]
• Did Paramount sever ties with Tom Cruise because he's a lunatic, or because the studio's short on cash? Not that the two are mutually exclusive. [Fox411]
• A shirtless picture of surprisingly hot Today show co-host Matt Lauer goes for five times as much as that of Matthew McConaughey. [TMZ]
• Quick question: Is there anyone or anything Nathan Lane won't talk shit about? Today, it's the Matthew Broderick bug that's climbed up Lane's ass, and the two may not work together again. [Page Six]
• 29-year-old virgin Sarah DiMuro's pristine hymen is the best thing to happen to Jane in years. [Lowdown]
• Bill Clinton takes Chelsea and the gang to Serendipity 3, Dylan's Candy Bar, and the Museum of Natural History. Afterwards, they boarded back on their big red bus and headed back to their hotel in Times Square. [Page Six]

Someone Finally Decides to Stop Giving Tom Cruise Money

Jessica — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 12:40:14 EDT

As you've no doubt heard by now, Paramount Pictures has ended its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise, deciding not to renew the studio's deal with his Cruise/Wagner Productions (yes, this is more the left-coast beat, but we'd hate for you to be out of the loop during the staff lunch at Cosi). Cruise's partner Paula Wagner naturally claims that they chose to leave the lot, but Paramount's grandaddy, Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone, suggests that Paramount's decision might've had something to do with Cruise's insistence on acting like a total spazcock:

"As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal," Viacom Inc. Chairman Sumner Redstone told the Wall Street Journal in an interview posted online. "His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

Translation: If you're a huge, personable celebrity, you can get away with a lot. You can join a cult, blow rails, lick hookers, touch little boys, take up autoerotic asphyxiation, kill your ex-wife, whatever. But ain't nobody gonna put their shoes on Oprah's couch.

Tom Cruise's Mission Aborted at Studio [Reuters]

Gossip Roundup: We've Always Depended on the Kindness of TomKat

Jessica — Mon, 14 Aug 2006 14:35:03 EDT

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — sans Suri, presumably — stop to assist a couple who had just gotten into a car accident. TomKat stayed with the victims and administered E-meter tests until the authorities arrived. [People]
• Paris Hilton and her kosherthug record producer Scott Storch revive "firecrotch," though it's just not the same without a tweaky Brandon Davis. [TMZ]
• Ivanka Trump shames the family by posing on the cover of Stuff. That is, assuming the Trumps even know what shame is. [Us Weekly]
• Diddy plants another seed in girlfriend Kim Porter; the couple is now expecting their second child, who will emerge from the womb covered in white chinchilla. [Page Six]
• Billionaire financier and alleged pervert Jeffrey Epstein had a lot of money, and he liked to spend it on big, fancy things. Or simple massages. [PBP]
• Al Pacino disparages the parenting skills of Beverly D'Angelo, the mother of his twins, because she didn't want their daughter to get stung by a bee. Bitch makes Joan Crawford look weak. [R&M]
• Conde Nast tries to kill Naomi Watts. [Page Six]

Katie Holmes Photographed Holding Suri-esque Blob

Jessica — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 16:00:00 EDT

Could it be? Do Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes actually have a young human life in their possession? According to the paparazzi at X17, this utterly indiscernable photo shows new mother and Scientology detainee Katie Holmes and baby Suri, a touching image captured by the journalists flying above in the X17 TomKat 'Copter. To be fair, Katie could just be playing with her Baby Think It Over^TM doll — but then again, it's a little too late for that.

Baby Suri Sighting - She Lives! [X17]

Gossip Roundup: 'Vanity Fair' Falls to Suri's Level

Jessica — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 14:20:17 EDT

• Yes, Virginia, there is a Suri — and she's been photographed by Annie Liebovitz for Vanity Fair. We'd no idea Graydon was in the celebrity baby trade. Who are we kidding? The Scientologists totally paid him off to run a spread with a stuntbaby. [Page Six]
• Paul McCartney changes the locks and calls the cops on estranged wife Heather Mills. He's also frozen their joint bank account and thinks land mines are awesome. [NYDN]
• Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey frolic in the rough waters off of Miami, their muscles taut and glistening. [TMZ]
• Now that Vaughniston is engaged, we can all learn that his "ring" is bigger than Brad's. [Us Weekly]
• Clothes shopping with Adrien Brody is like battling in the Coliseum. [R&M (last item)]
• Larry David and environmentalist wife Laurie drive a gas-guzzling BMW 530, presumably because the Prius doesn't come in a luxury model. [Page Six]
• Celebrities are just soooo in love and soooo adorable and soooo happy. Fuckers. [Lowdown]

Suri Exists, at Least in Our Hearts in Minds

Jessica — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 09:45:05 EDT

It's been a deafening three months since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes first pretended to bring baby Suri into the world, and it's only in the latest issue of Us Weekly that anyone has come forward claiming have to seen the baby. Alas, it's not a trusted Us journalist like Alyssa Shelasky who can vouch for the baby's existence; rather, it's King of Queens actress and Scientologist Leah Remini who says she's seen the miracle child. She tells the magazine that she had contact with Suri several weeks ago and that the infant looked like "a cross between the two, [with] dark, straight hair and dark eyes." Right, right, but what else? Says Remini, Suri's "a newborn and normal size."

So there you go. If the existence of your mysterious and undoubtedly freakish child is beleagured by public doubt, having Stacey Carosi speak on your behalf really brings closure to the issue.

Suri Spotting! Elusive Kid Looks Like Mom and Dad [ABC News]