If you're the type of person who's reading a website like this, there's a good chance you've already gotten an email forwarded to you explaining that the true father of Suri Cruise is actually Chris Klein. According to the email, which we've now had the pleasure of receiving 23 times (but please, don't stop!), the…
• Gays, hold on to your pants, because the ugly is about to get uglier: David Gest, estranged husband of Liza Minnelli, is requesting that the court disregard the duo's prenup, as Liza failed to disclose that she was a herpetic alcoholic with violence issues. Even more horrifying: this implies that Gest learned the…
• After an extended period of darkness, 4-year-old Suri Cruise finally reveals herself to the world as a beautiful Asian-American.
• Katie Couric sashays onto the CBS Evening News, and the world is amazed that vaginas can read.
• And in other kind-of-vagina news, Rosie O'Donnell assumed the position on The View.
• …
Today's Times offers a sophisticated exegesis of the Suri Cruise Vanity Fair spread. Roving critic Caryn James starts by hitting all the usual notes ("What 5-month-old has a stylist? Or photos taken by Annie Leibovitz?" and "The extravagantly orchestrated photo shoot reveals a media circus masquerading as ordinary…
• Why does Suri Cruise look so freaking weird? Because she's everyone's baby, a child of the whole wide world. Makes you feel fuzzy, don't it? [Defamer]
• Jessica Simpson and John Mayer aren't a couple, and that might have something to do with his relationship requirements: lots and lots of phone sex. It helps if…
You think you've had enough Suri Cruise? We'll tell you when you've had enough Suri Cruise. Until then, you're the Internet's little p t goose getting force-fed Suri cornmeal until we've decided your liver is just succulent enough. Above is this morning's Suriana from the Today show (baby-wig-tip, Cityrag), with …
We highly recommend you go buy your own copy of Vanity Fair; you will surely want to keep and frame the images within. Here at Gawker, however, we've been fortunate enough to obtain an original shot of the Cruise family, one untouched by the photo-editors at VF. Everything seems at once more and less confusing.
"I think she has Tom's eyes. I think she looks like Tom." — Katie Holmes
HOLYSHITDIDYOUHEAR? Today's spanking-new Vanity Fair is a glossy manger, cradling the messiah of celebrity journalism, adorable 2-year-old Suri Cruise. Vanity Fair features editor Jane Sarkin hit the Today show just now for the requisite scoopy plug, noting that she spent a full five days at the TomKat compound in…
• Kate Hudson comes to her senses (maybe) and realizes that Owen Wilson (possibly) is not the most stable choice (on earth). But is she ready to go back to a life of picking food out of Chris Robinson's beard? [Us Weekly]
• Did Paramount sever ties with Tom Cruise because he's a lunatic, or because the studio's…
As you've no doubt heard by now, Paramount Pictures has ended its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise, deciding not to renew the studio's deal with his Cruise/Wagner Productions (yes, this is more the left-coast beat, but we'd hate for you to be out of the loop during the staff lunch at Cosi). Cruise's partner…
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — sans Suri, presumably — stop to assist a couple who had just gotten into a car accident. TomKat stayed with the victims and administered E-meter tests until the authorities arrived. [People]
• Paris Hilton and her kosherthug record producer Scott Storch revive "firecrotch," though…
Could it be? Do Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes actually have a young human life in their possession? According to the paparazzi at X17, this utterly indiscernable photo shows new mother and Scientology detainee Katie Holmes and baby Suri, a touching image captured by the journalists flying above in the X17 TomKat…
• Yes, Virginia, there is a Suri — and she's been photographed by Annie Liebovitz for Vanity Fair. We'd no idea Graydon was in the celebrity baby trade. Who are we kidding? The Scientologists totally paid him off to run a spread with a stuntbaby. [Page Six]
• Paul McCartney changes the locks and calls the cops on…
It's been a deafening three months since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes first pretended to bring baby Suri into the world, and it's only in the latest issue of Us Weekly that anyone has come forward claiming have to seen the baby. Alas, it's not a trusted Us journalist like Alyssa Shelasky who can vouch for the baby's…
• Angelina Jolie has officially stolen Jennifer Aniston's Oscar vehicle. She'll play Mariane Pearl, the widow of murdered Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl — a role originally written for Aniston. Stolen manchild Brad Pitt will produce, then continue to scratch his ass. [Gatecrasher]
• Radio jock Wendy…
• Suri Cruise does exist, or at least her birth certificate does. Though, strangely, it was issued 20 days after her birth (the hospital's policy is within 10 days of birth), the attendant who signed the certificate wasn't actually in the room during the birth and the person who signed as certifier is unknown,…
• Today in the Wasted Adventures of Lindsay Lohan: after her birthday party, Lohan passes out on the toilet, "loses her keys," leaves her car parked in front of a drop-off spot on Pacific Coast Highway, and, in the grand finale, autistic kids can't access the beach. [Page Six]
• TomKat is keeping baby Suri so under…
• More confirmation on yesterday's rumor that Star Jones is on her way out at The View — she's got no new gigs lined up (shock), producers had been looking to give her the boot since the wedding freebies fiasco last fall (double shock), but Barbara Walters kept Jones around out of pity (unfuckingbelievable). The…
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