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Five Ways to Avoid a Black Friday Trampling
How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
White House Party Crashers Are Awesome, Sad
Remembrance of Oprah's Favorite Things Past
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This Week In Tabloids: Jolie & Johnny Destined To Fornicate
Obama Sends Turkey to Die in California
When Twihards Attack: A Compendium of New Moon Fans' Brawls and Molestations
The City: Shoot Me Now
Lou Dobbs Loves Immigrants Now, Everyone

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Lysergic Asset
09:05 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
The Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer is awesome, if deeply and unapologetically cynical. It's a great complement to this comment thread.
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Aidan_
08:42 PM

In reply to Five Ways to Avoid a Black Friday Trampling
I was dragged to a Black Friday sale at a Circuit City by my yuppy cousin two years ago. Never again. Online shopping and excursions to the mall in mid-December for me, thanks.
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flossy
08:18 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
At my Thanksgiving dinner we had, among others: my quasi-aunt who loves Jesus so much she writes Bible verses on everything, like wrapping paper and grocery lists, my cadre of Jewish relatives, some so observant they show up after dinner because we don't keep kosher, my aunt from Mali, who just loves Obama, as well as my Lebanese aunt who is happy to tell anyone who will listen that Hezbollah gets a bad rap.

And nobody fought about politics! Probably because despite all our differences, we are all pinko fags at heart.
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Lysergic Asset
09:03 PM

@flossy: Can I come to next year's dinner? I play well with others and this sounds like my dream family.
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Swifter
07:06 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
On Thanksgiving days of yore, the officers would wear their dress blues and bring their families to the mess hall to eat with the troops. Politics were not discussed, but the various attributes of the officers' daughters were debated at length and with vigor among we young enlisted men.

Then, I became an officer, wore my dress blues and ate at the mess hall where the various attributes of the senior officers' daughters were debated at length and with vigor among the young lieutenants. And then we would ship out and kill people.

Happy Thanksgiving!
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Edited by Swifter at 11/26/09 7:09 PM Swifter was starred Swifter was unstarred

Atilla the Bun
05:56 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
Have your relatives over to your house and cook them a vegan Thanksgiving dinner. They'll be bitching about the food so much they won't have the time or the energy to talk about politics.
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Mike Jahn
05:37 PM

In reply to Five Ways to Avoid a Black Friday Trampling
If you get caught wearing a Walmart uniform you will lose your health benefits no matter where you work.
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jordos1
04:47 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
I always look forward to my brother's spittle spewing, red faced, ultra neocon rants, freshly regurgitated from his lunch hour listening to Rush Limbaugh. I would try some of these methods, but dead legs and telling him he is losing his hair seems to shut him up more than adequately.
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Edited by jordos1 at 11/26/09 4:47 PM jordos1 was starred jordos1 was unstarred

Lysergic Asset
06:30 PM

@jordos1: Neocon reframe: "That's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for a love machine."
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SpyMagician
04:24 PM

In reply to White House Party Crashers Are Awesome, Sad
I think what is really sad is that we live in this post 9-11 world where tons of personal freedoms have been washed away and privacy is a quaint concept at best, yet two ding-a-lings with delusions can crash a Presidential event... And that this even happened after some loonball in the military who everyone knew was a loonball went all loonball and killed people on an Army base.

Which is all to say: So we're sacrificing all of this privacy and personal freedom for what exactly? It's pretty clear that any loon can get into--and do--whatever they want despite the best protections of those in charge.

But thank goodness nobody can bring large bottles of shampoo and conditioner on airplanes, and people have to have their shoes check at the airport, right?

Good effing lord.
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Edited by SpyMagician at 11/26/09 4:26 PM SpyMagician was starred SpyMagician was unstarred

Lysergic Asset
06:36 PM

@SpyMagician: Hear, hear.
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NotReadyForPrimeTime
04:14 PM

In reply to Oprah Guru's Deadly Sweat Lodge Involved Induced Vomiting, 'Vomit Everywhere'
I do wish Oprah would STFU about New Age quackery. It was her promotion of "The Secret" that helped this creep James Ray become so successful.

Hopefully this tragedy will cause her to re-think her runaway train promotion of charlatans.
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OliversArmy
04:11 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
Whenever my conservative relatives bring up "socialist" medicine during family get-togethers I simply tell them that I have recently been diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness but have no health insurance to pay for the treatments.

It used to shut them right up but for some reason it is getting less and less effective as the years go by.
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Lysergic Asset
06:32 PM

@OliversArmy: Maybe because you're running out of potential ailments or/and affected body parts?
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MyNameIsChris
03:53 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
Or take my wife's approach and yell "cunt" at the dinner table as often as possible.
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Uncle_Billy_Slumming
04:48 PM

@MyNameIsChris:

Thanksgiving with Susie Green:

[jezebel.com]
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SanFranLefty
09:21 PM

@MyNameIsChris: Dude. My martini is all over my keyboard. Your wife is the bomb.
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Benny
03:50 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
I see pretty much eye to eye with most of my relatives, at least in so far as I'm aware (one creationist, but he's a paradox and damn nice fellow). For me it's my long term girlfriend's family that's the problem, and one time it got ugly.

Perfectly hospitable people on the surface, but they happen to believe (like many of my fellow citizens, and the federal government, unfortunately) that asylum seekers should be put in prison camps for indefinite detention. You guys think immigration is an issue in the States? Spend some time with an Australian conservative. I'm talking actually putting men, women and children in desert concentration camps as the accepted norm.

According to them asylum seekers are illegal immigrants, might be terrorists and are out to steal our jobs, money and water. I once tried explaining to them, as we enjoyed smoked salmon on the patio by their pool near their five cars, that these people are desperate, face persecution at home, and far from being illegal, in fact have every legal right to enter the country seeking asylum, in accordance with the UN Charter on Refugees and the Geneva Convention.

Nothing works. No matter how sensibly you try to present your arguments, you can't make a sheltered, ignorant, xenophobic, moral illiterate see reason. Things became very unpleasant very quickly.
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Lysergic Asset
06:33 PM

@Benny: Evolution doesn't really seem to be working, does it?
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Morne
08:06 PM

@Lysergic Asset: You don't really know what evolution means, do you?
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Lysergic Asset
08:33 PM

@Morne: ev·o·lu·tion (v-lshn, v-)
n.
1. A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form. See Synonyms at development.
2.
a. The process of developing.
b. Gradual development.
3. Biology
a. Change in the genetic composition of a population during successive generations, as a result of natural selection acting on the genetic variation among individuals, and resulting in the development of new species.
b. The historical development of a related group of organisms; phylogeny.
4. A movement that is part of a set of ordered movements.
5. Mathematics The extraction of a root of a quantity.
[Latin volti, voltin-, from voltus, past participle of volvere, to unroll; see evolve.]
evo·lution·al, evo·lution·ary (-sh-nr) adj.
evo·lution·ari·ly adv.
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NotReadyForPrimeTime
03:44 PM

In reply to White House Party Crashers Are Awesome, Sad
The first thing I thought of when I saw this was another couple who crashed DC parties--Kenneth and Sante Kimes, back in the 1970s. Mrs. Kimes and her son, also named Kenneth, murdered their wealthy NYC landlady a few years ago and are serving life in prison.
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Rozelle’s Bagman
03:30 PM

In reply to Five Ways to Avoid a Black Friday Trampling
The wedge is illegal this year. You can get the chair in the usual states.
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TheBusinessGuy
01:29 PM

In reply to How to Talk to Your Conservative Relatives
I recall one family gathering with my ex-wife's observant Jewish relatives in which both the New York Times and I were deemed insufficiently pro-Israel because we thought that the Palestinians just might deserve a right or two. Jews hating the New York Times. I nearly choked on my brisket.
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momof3wildkids
01:58 PM

@TheBusinessGuy: I nearly just choked on my Cabernet.
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TheBusinessGuy
01:59 PM

@momof3wildkids: Baron Herzog, I hope.
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random_play
02:14 PM

@TheBusinessGuy: The best thing about Jewish Thanksgiving is the turkey with eight drumsticks.
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TheBusinessGuy
02:17 PM

@random_play: Growing up, who knew from white meat? Even today, to me eating white meat is as tasty as eating a tallis.
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MissNormaDesmond
03:23 PM

@TheBusinessGuy: White meat is for suckers.
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momof3wildkids
03:35 PM

@TheBusinessGuy: Nope this Irish Catholic gal eats pork and mixes meat and dairy with impunity.

I am actually quaffing a very nice Pahlmeyer cab 1995. Hubby and I bought it on our honeymoon in Napa many moons ago.

YUM!
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TheBusinessGuy
03:41 PM

@momof3wildkids: Ah, an Irish Catholic girl! If you weren't married, I'd be in love! It's the Hebrew-Hibernian alliance! Enjoy your trafe and that tasty wine.
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