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New York, 9:23 AM
Sat Nov 28
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06:12 AM
In the name of Thanksgiving and the recent news of that famewhore couple crashing the White House State Dinner, I bring you less of a tragic tale and more of a "hopefully the statute of limitations on legal implications have expired so I can now tell this Thanksgiving story", and what better venue for its public world premiere than this incredibly awesome Gawker thread. Unfortunately, not enough liquor plays a role in this story, so I won't even pretend to compete with the more booze-fuelled main-dish gems that have been written already, so consider this a mere sweet potato casserole side with gratuitous amounts of marshmallow topping.
In November, 1999, my gf (now-wife) Emily and I used both our Thanksgiving work holidays to visit the island nation of Trinidad and Tobago, largely due in part because I play the steel drum (which is where it was invented, as there's lots of bands and local drum makers there) and we both wanted to go somewhere warm and interesting but not overrun with obnoxious tourists. TT is not very touristy and therefore is not usually a vacation destination for Americans, but the idea of being able to roam around the actual raw Caribbean as it exists sounded appealing and adventurous. The only problem was that this was to be the first time I was ever going to miss Thanksgiving dinner, since we would be in a foreign country on that day. Before our trip, in my quest to be the consummate problem-solver, I came up with what I thought was a goddamned brilliant idea. Seek Americans! Naturally, the obvious place you would find Americans in any given obscure foreign country would be the U.S. Embassy. Certainly I was conscious of the longshot of pulling anything off, as I have never directly dealt with the federal government in any of my shenanigans, especially in any quest for a fancy holiday dinner!
After a little research, I found that the current serving deputy United States Ambassador to Trinidad Tobago was originally from Texas! This was indeed a score, because of all the states, I have never known a more instant-brotherhood-affirming icebreaker than saying you're from Texas to someone from Texas. I decided to place a little overseas call. But what's the hook? Why the hell would they feed two random American vacationers Thanksgiving dinner? When I called, I told the receptionist the best story I could come up with -- which was a very vague nonsensical explanation that we were visiting TT the following week doing research for a pilot documentary on Americans abroad and how they celebrate American holidays and was wondering if the Ambassador was to be celebrating Thanksgiving. Completely stupid. Oh, yeah, and that I'm from Texas. I'm put on hold and suddenly I'm talking to a man named David, the Deputy Chief of Mission. He's from Dallas (triple-word score, I live 30 miles away in Fort Worth) and instantly we bond over the brotherhood. He admits he's not exactly clear on what our intentions were, but like a true fellow DFW'er, I have nonetheless succeeded in charming two invites to Thanksgiving dinner at the motherfucking U.S. Embassy.
Emily and I were dating for about four years at this point and even after proving my skills with many successful smaller-time-gate-crashing feats, she was calling BS on this success of this one. She was much more shy back then and I knew to pull this off she'd have to play along with the shenanigans. She had some nervousness about something backfiring, but was good for following my lead nonetheless.
On our fifth day of our visit to this wonderful country, we arrive at the Ambassador's mansion, which was guarded by two U.S. Marines. Unlike those toolbags who crashed Obama's State Dinner, we were on the list :D .. We were escorted into the house, where photos of the family of the man who I scored the invite from were all over the walls -- posing in what appeared to be different countries with all sorts of dignitaries. I didn't really think about it at the time, but Ambassadors and their crew are hand-picked by the president, and this man was chosen by Clinton himself to have this post in lil' ol' Trinidad. That intimidation was eased when this guy's wife appeared to show us around the house. (Interesting side note: in the bathroom there was a button under glass mounted to the wall that actually was labeled "Panic Button". The thought of Marines busting down the door whilst in mid-poop elicited a giggle or two.) At this point I still didn't quite have to explain what exactly we were doing there, as the topic of our being from Texas took over. I brought some Texas wine as a gesture and they had a house attendant pop it open immediately. Ice has been broken!
A small number of other people began to show up and we are now seated in a palm and mango tree-covered garden veranda chatting up a storm while drinking some sort of cocktail made with sorrel, a local herbal fruit somewhat like a cranberry. After a celebratory "I can't believe we've hacked this" cheers-clink with the girl, dinner is now being served! Holy. There were about 20 people at the table, and the local Trinidadian house attendants were bringing out all the fare but with an awesome twist of Trinidad. About half the Trinidad population is comprised of people with Indian descent and the other half African descent, so you can imagine the food was ridiculously incredible. Sweet taro casserole, curried stuffing, mashed pumpkin and potato, and of course, jerk turkey. And so here we are, eating Thanksgiving dinner, presumably paid for with my own tax dollars, with foreign dignitaries. I never felt so patriotic.
Everyone has had copious wine, and now it's conversation time! Uh oh! So people are going around the table introducing themselves, and most of them were friends with the host, so it became clear I was going to have to do my song-and-dance afterall. When it got around to me, the host introduced us as a couple of documentary filmmakers, and then let us finish the sentence. I froze for a moment, stuffing some curry-infused awesomeness in my mouth but eventually squeaked out some lame vague explanation as to how we're here to see how Americans abroad celebrate American holidays, and so far this is the best one! Everyone seemed to have bought it (afterall, what the hell ELSE were two random American kids in their early 20s doing at this table??) Playing to the crowd, though, only prompted a serious of questions that I was not prepared for. "What production company are you working with?" "Who are you pitching this to?" was met with "Oh, an independent startup" and "Whoever we can" were half-ass deflections, but fortunately my ruse reminded someone at the table of their higher-up dealings with PBS or some shit and I managed to get the attention off of us.
Following dinner, they flipped on the Dallas Cowboys game. All the times I've watched the Thanksgiving Cowboys game I (and I'm sure the players) had never imagined people in the Trinidadian embassy may be watching. How cool was this. So, all in all the Thanksgiving dinner hacking was a success, yet it had gone down in my great book of shenangians as the one I never felt comfortable talking about due to me lying my way into what was a secure Marine-guarded event in a foreign country. Of course, not being terrorists and not doing anything of too much asshattery, our presence was for the most part under the radar. Once 9/11 happened, though, I figured this story likely wouldn't be smiled upon by some. But now that this has been ten years ago to the day, and now that those fametards have gotten so much press for hitting up the White House, I figure perhaps now it's ok to share the tale. :[]
02:26 AM
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[www.nytimes.com]
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And while we're at it, outlaw "reality" shows. They put actors and writers out of work, they encourage monkeyshines like these, and no good has EVER come out of them.
Can't people just get real friends to keep up with? What with all this Twittering and Tweeting and IM'ing and texting--that's not enough? You have to watch sub-par mediocrities you don't know, and don't have to put up with at work or next door? You don't have enough banality in your life already? Or do you get off by laughing at these self-important, pompous idiots? Then please find a better way to feel good about yourself.
Please. Just stop watching. The future of the earth depends upon it!
11/27/09
I don't know what you do for a living, but clearly it's something very classy and important and refined and whatnot. I'm surprised you're even slumming around here, on the web, where reality TV watchers hang out -- isn't your kind of lofty criticism usually reserved for the editorial page of the NYT?
#gatecrashersgate
11/27/09
Reality TV--It's a kind of low-brow voyeurism--let's do a roll call, shall we? Who is famous only for their show? And what kind of role models are they?
How about the Kardashians. What do you learn from that? What value does that have? There's no taste, no brains, nothing but complete self-absorption. Stripper pole in your house? Check. And what's the pregnancy rate for teens these days? What role models do they have?
Or the Housewives of ____fill in the blank. "Housewives" -- oh, as in "just" housewives. Ditto, what's here? Why is ordinary crap from life--dullness and stupidity mostly--worthy of tv? Can't you go to a neighborhood coffee klatch and get better entertainment?
And let's see, there's also Paris Hilton, the queen of Bimbos, and let's not forget Octomom--who belongs in a mental health facility--is going to get one.
Or the Gottis. That was a fine bit of entertainment, wasn't it?!
Jon and Kate? Oh, the important thing is that you breed a lot of kids and then open your life to total strangers for money--you whore out your kids and your life. Even though you know your husband was about to throw in the towel on the marriage. But no--the people who watch this raise nothings and nobodies with nothing to contribute to the level of little gods. For what?
So maybe I missed something with ANY virtue of ANY kind? Perhaps you'd direct me to that? These are trainwrecks at best, stupidly dull at worst.
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I have a great sense of humor...actually, I'm laughing my ass off right now!
My response was not, in fact, an "ad hominem argument" it was a question in response to your desire for someone to point out how these shows have virtue of any kind. And I did, humor is a virtue, these shows make people laugh. Done and done.
Also, just so you know what you just did is an ad hominem argument. Saying that myself and the other commenter should get a sense of humor does not actually address the issue we are discussing but attacks us as people. Yes, the other commentator's post could be mistaken for an ad hominem argument (which really is a misnomer since they are attacks not arguments) in a way though it really falls under sarcasm which is not, sorry to tell you, an ad hominem argument since it was not an argument at all.
Don't assume people who watch reality television are stupid. Some of us just know how to relax once in awhile. Also, we have special buttons on our television sets that allow us to turn off things we don't enjoy.
FYI: The Gotti's haven't had a show for almost 5 years and the Kardashians have on more than one occasion poked fun at themselves and the humor that comes from their "reality".
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PS: A lot of reality shows have writers too. See: The Hills, Real Housewives et al, 30 Days, America's Next Top Model.
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What a falling off was there.
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You clearly implied I did not have a sense of humor = ad hominem. Or if your statement was ambiguous and you actually meant "humor is a virtue"--it isn't, officially. And if you meant to imply these shows are "funny" or they make you laugh because they are pathetic and stupid--you've wandered far from an argument. If you assert that a Kardashian has occasionally made a self-referential "joke" that is not near enough evidence to refute me. And if you enjoy watching pathetic losers bumble through their lives, then why not just set up a live-cam at Walmart?
And if you give me an FYI about Gotti being off the air, that's a straw man; I never said they were still on.
I gave you the option of showing me something decent, worthwhile, having any sort of significance--anything but the mindnumbing black hole bubble of cheap, sensationalist trash these shows are; I'm still waiting. They are the bottom of the cultural barrel--indeed, they are the muck under the barrel.
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Writers and actors too are gone.
But what is really gone is quality; you peep through someone living room window, someone not even that interesting, someone doing nothing at all, possibly having birthed a litter, or being someone's grand-daughter, what have you.
The "work" argument is only a small part of it, though it is a part.
People get brainwashed into accepted less and less quality, just stupid stunts, watching people fight--you can walk outside and see the real thing. Why is it on TV? Because it's very cheap for the networks to produce/buy; it's a get-rich scheme for the geeks who want to go on it--and people vicariously enjoy the fights and humiliations. It's a kind of mental poison, lowering standards for everything.
11/27/09
And you will wait for that example for the rest of your life because no one owes you an explanation for their personal likes and dislikes. Perhaps if you had simply engaged an adult and intelligent conversation on the subject it could have been useful for you.
Instead you chose to play the part of the "insulting curmudgeon" which is a lot like "interrupting cow" but less witty.
11/27/09
@Novaload: A live feed at Walmart? Now there's a show!
But seriously, there's always been a niche on TV for people willing to make an ass of themselves for our amusement. Remember "Candid Camera"? How about "The Gong Show" or various pranks played on unsuspecting Man-in-the-Street types for late night talk show guffaws? It doesn't take a genius (like Mark Burnett) to refine and capitalize on the genre. The first and last few episodes of "Survivor" (season 1) were brilliant. Truly groundbreaking in how it illuminated age-old practices of sabotage, subterfuge and power play, all in the name of winning. Granted, most of it was scripted, but it was all plausible, which made it a winning formula and compelling TV.
Also granted, a lot of reality TV is crap. I don't watch any of the stuff you list and would rather stick a fork in my eye than do so. I do, however, acknowledge that there's a strong attraction to it by the viewing public and that it's not going to disappear. It'll continue to get more crude as it pushes boundaries of "acceptable" social behaviour, all in the name of ratings. It's already broken laws and caused deaths (in other countries). But obviously, it's fulfilling a need that scripted TV does not. Think about that. And from the comments above, people who watch and enjoy it are not all mouth breathers. Think about that too.
Personally, I'm waiting for the perfect reality show. One that doesn't bore me to tears, piss me off or disgust me at some point in its 30-60 minute run. Something that shows me the essence of humanity in an attractive format. I'm thinking along the lines of MTV's "The City", but with a greater variety of characters, tighter action and more dramatic storylines. Maybe if a producer married the writers from "The Good Wife" (this week's ep was awesome) with the real life calamities of pretty urban youth, then they'd actually convince someone like you that reality TV is worth your time and attention.
I leave you with a pic of Richard Hatch, winner of the first Survivor. To quote Amazon.com: "Here's where it all began. The first season of Survivor dominated the ratings in the summer of 2000, helped spur the reality-TV craze, and inspired countless water-cooler jokes about getting voted off the island."
[www.amazon.com]
Let's face it, reality TV is here to stay. Question is, are you in?
11/27/09
These criminals, for instance, are going to be on Larry King and are already starting their 15 minutes; they should be shunned. They should be in jail. Of course, Larry King is absolutely shameless--so gee, they're going to succeed where the missing balloon kite boy's family failed. And you can bet this laughable White House security has not gone unnoticed by more sinister people.
The bad part is, the fame and fortune goes to extremely undeserving people, who like Hatch, can get burned by it.
I think TV--no, I know TV--is in serious trouble from the internet and the on-demand trend. So maybe it isn't here to stay ; ]
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08:33 AM
I guess the test will be what happens to them now.
11/27/09
In 2005, I was on good behavior (though the theme of my party was Lumberjack Or Whore: Which One Are You?), but a week later, I went to a bar with the guy I was dating and... well whatever. Fucked if I know, really, but I woke up alone in my apartment, the relationship officially ended via his bitchy text message.
I spent the week alternately crying and checking prices on flights to New York. I could either see my friends and family or sit in my cold apartment, downing anti-anxiety meds and Beam.
The day before Thanksgiving, I got some ridiculous deal and that settled it. I made the calls and announced I'd be in Brooklyn by two the next day.
(An aside: I was doing all this from my office on campus; I was also student government co-president, though why anyone would have given me any sort of responsibility at this point of my life is truly mystifying. Anyway, a cute boy who liked me chose to stop by at this moment and cry to me about his STD. This happened a lot that fall, and was not what I had really signed on for.)
The next morning is a blur. I've always needed drugs to fly, and I know I traded the guy next to me a Klonopin for a double vodka.
I took a cab into the city, dropped my shit off at my best friend's, did a line, and grabbed the F to Brooklyn. There waited my favorite family member, all her friends, amazing food (she was a chef at a restaurant you've all heard of), and more marijuana than I've seen before or since.
The night ended at Union Pool, around a fire pit with people I love. It was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had, a beautiful moment of calm right before I went truly insane and ended up in intervention-ordered therapy and on even more prescription drugs.
But that's a story for the inevitable xmas thread.
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You could combine 1, 2, 3 and 4 by yelling "Look, it's Rob Pattinson!" and then pushing through in a tight V-formation in this uniform:
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And now a break in the horror for a puppy picture.
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