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New York, 7:42 PM
Tue Nov 24
54 posts in the last 24 hours
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06:06 PM
And New Year's?
And all the holidays?
Pretty please?
I have an Easter one involving a babysitter who thought it would be funny to arrange a dead rabbit she'd found as if it were run over while delivering candy eggs to worthless brats, by which I mean me.
04:51 PM
Now, Grandma is a tough old broad. Just to give you a little background, the T-giving before she got ripped on old fashioned's and joined all the men in the family for a post-dinner cigar.
She put the lit end in her mouth and it didn't even faze her.
You just don't accept a drinking challenge from this woman unless you are A. some kind of wizard B. a former Marine Drill Sargent who's been "in the shit" or C. you genuinely enjoy the E.R around the holidays.
Gramps, being option B, takes Granny up on her Wild Turkey chase.
Shit starts getting sloppy real fast.
Granny starts in on how they have these new fangled perfumes with pheremones in 'em to attract a man to have sex with, something that she, as a divorcee, could appreciate.
Gramps decides to let everyone know he thought my father was gay until he married my mother.
They are neck and neck by the time my mother slams down the food on the table. Hoping that the stuffing will uh, absorb some of the inappropriate convos, we all sit down to eat.
My oak tree of a grandpa misses his chair entirely and manages to clutch onto the tablecloth, bringing it down to the ground along with all the food my mother slaved over.
The turkey was the only thing heavy enough to stand its ground.
I wish I was making this up.
04:20 PM
I spent most of the time sitting with my hands folded in my lap trying to look engaged in the conversation while my boyfriend's dad's business associate from the Yucatan made dirty jokes in Spanish comparing vainas to marble quarries and his cousin kept trying to get me to teach him swear words in English. I went to bed shortly after dinner, but couldn't sleep because the entire group stayed up until 6 am smoking unfiltered Marlboro Reds in the living room and watching Tropic Thunder at extra high volume. I was also on an air mattress. Someone had a rented Ferrari, and at about 3 am, the crew decided to migrate outside and rev the engine for about half an hour.
The next day, I noticed that my suitcase was missing from the guest room. His mother had kidnapped my clothes and was laundering my underwear. There are few things creepier than the idea of your boyfriend's mother touching your ultra slutty vacation panties.
04:37 PM
04:42 PM
But yeah, boyfriend's dad's hands on panty crotch.... gross.
04:12 PM
[www.sfgate.com]
04:00 PM
06:03 PM
My husband would say something similar about shoes.....
06:17 PM
03:59 PM
There is one big takeaway from all this: Alcohol should be far less available than it currently is.
03:57 PM
Back when I was a baby, she and my father went to visit my father's terrifying cousin for Thanksgiving. Cousin answered the door in skin-tight floor length black lace with nothing on underneath and escorted them to the dining room table where a blank verse competition was being held. The table was decorated with dead sunflowers and cornstalks painted black and the first course was a dish of lobster ice cream. At some point tom-toms were taken up and a lament for the deaths of the Native American people was recited for about an hour or so. My parents left before the absinthe toast and passing of the sacred lodestones.
03:40 PM
03:54 PM
04:11 PM
Still no 'full-frontal' head shot of you? I'd throw in some change for that.
03:35 PM
04:27 PM
03:18 PM
She had hundreds of them in high school she passed along to friends, I even found some of them long after we broke up.
I never knew she stole the idea from someone else. For some reason I always assumed she was deranged enough to have thought of it herself.
03:13 PM
Format: Hardcover
Publication Year: 2009
Topic: --
Special Attributes: 1st Edition, Signed Language: English
Condition: Brand New
Subject: Folklore, Mythology
LOLOLOL
03:04 PM
03:12 PM
03:18 PM
03:29 PM
03:32 PM
03:04 PM
Oh, it's a mutha-fuckin-BID-OFF!
03:02 PM
The best Sarah Palin book in the world is to buy Going Rouge, replace the dust jacket with Going Rogue and convincing her to sign it. Then you return Going Rogue and put Going Rouge on eBay.
03:01 PM
Well, right after my grandfather said grace, Grammy turned to my stepfather and had the following exchange:
Grammy: "Ted, do you know how to save a drowning n***er?"
Ted: "Um, no."
Grammy: "Good."
The room was silent but for Grammy's loud cackling. Mom and Ted divorced soon thereafter.