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New York, 7:42 PM
Tue Nov 24
54 posts in the last 24 hours

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    Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×
    Image of RollsRoyceRevenge RollsRoyceRevenge
    06:06 PM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    Can we do this again for Christmas?

    And New Year's?

    And all the holidays?

    Pretty please?

    I have an Easter one involving a babysitter who thought it would be funny to arrange a dead rabbit she'd found as if it were run over while delivering candy eggs to worthless brats, by which I mean me.
     Reply
    RollsRoyceRevenge was starred RollsRoyceRevenge was unstarred
    Image of meredith.terry meredith.terry
    04:51 PM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    It was 1993. I was 9. My paternal grandpa got challenged by my maternal grandma to see who could drink who under the table.

    Now, Grandma is a tough old broad. Just to give you a little background, the T-giving before she got ripped on old fashioned's and joined all the men in the family for a post-dinner cigar.

    She put the lit end in her mouth and it didn't even faze her.

    You just don't accept a drinking challenge from this woman unless you are A. some kind of wizard B. a former Marine Drill Sargent who's been "in the shit" or C. you genuinely enjoy the E.R around the holidays.

    Gramps, being option B, takes Granny up on her Wild Turkey chase.

    Shit starts getting sloppy real fast.

    Granny starts in on how they have these new fangled perfumes with pheremones in 'em to attract a man to have sex with, something that she, as a divorcee, could appreciate.

    Gramps decides to let everyone know he thought my father was gay until he married my mother.

    They are neck and neck by the time my mother slams down the food on the table. Hoping that the stuffing will uh, absorb some of the inappropriate convos, we all sit down to eat.

    My oak tree of a grandpa misses his chair entirely and manages to clutch onto the tablecloth, bringing it down to the ground along with all the food my mother slaved over.

    The turkey was the only thing heavy enough to stand its ground.

    I wish I was making this up.


     Reply
    RollsRoyceRevenge approved this comment meredith.terry was starred meredith.terry was unstarred
    Image of morninggloria morninggloria
    04:20 PM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    I spent last Thanksgiving in Miami with my boyfriend's family. They're of Mexican/Cuban descent and speak almost exclusively Spanish in their house. I'm probably in the running for Whitest Person Alive, grew up in rural northern Wisconsin, and I've been to the Pitchfork Music Festival more than once. I'm an obnoxious cliche, and, as the cliche I embody dictates, I do not speak Spanish.

    I spent most of the time sitting with my hands folded in my lap trying to look engaged in the conversation while my boyfriend's dad's business associate from the Yucatan made dirty jokes in Spanish comparing vainas to marble quarries and his cousin kept trying to get me to teach him swear words in English. I went to bed shortly after dinner, but couldn't sleep because the entire group stayed up until 6 am smoking unfiltered Marlboro Reds in the living room and watching Tropic Thunder at extra high volume. I was also on an air mattress. Someone had a rented Ferrari, and at about 3 am, the crew decided to migrate outside and rev the engine for about half an hour.

    The next day, I noticed that my suitcase was missing from the guest room. His mother had kidnapped my clothes and was laundering my underwear. There are few things creepier than the idea of your boyfriend's mother touching your ultra slutty vacation panties.
     Reply
    morninggloria was starred morninggloria was unstarred
    Image of jenndavo jenndavo
    04:37 PM

    @morninggloria: Maybe creepier: Not realizing that you left the slutty vacation panties at the boyfriend's parents' house until a week later, when they arrive in the mail, freshly laundered, and stuffed in an envelope obviously addressed by the BF's dad.
     Reply
    Edited by jenndavo at 11/24/09 4:38 PM jenndavo was starred jenndavo was unstarred
    Image of morninggloria morninggloria
    04:42 PM

    @jenndavo: This past September, we flew down to Mexico City to stay with them in their "vacation home." (Mexico City is a little too real to be a vacation destination, but they both grew up there.) I tried to hide my unmentionables from her, but she found them and washed them anyway.

    But yeah, boyfriend's dad's hands on panty crotch.... gross.
     Reply
    morninggloria was starred morninggloria was unstarred
    Image of SanFranLefty SanFranLefty
    04:12 PM

    In reply to What the Hell's Wrong with Gavin Newsom?
    Publisher of our local fish wrap/Sharon Stone's ex piles on Mayor McDreamy and his demands to dictate all press interviews:

    [www.sfgate.com]
     Reply
    SanFranLefty was starred SanFranLefty was unstarred
    Image of misslinda misslinda
    04:00 PM

    In reply to The Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book: Bid on This Literary Treasure for Charity
    Yikes! Bidding is over a thousand bucks and nine days to go! You're over the limit for what I can get away with without my husband saying "what the hell did you buy???? You're NEVER even gonna to wear those shoes! I bet you can't even walk in them. Walk. Yes, now, WALK! You look like a moron and you're gonna kill yourself in those, enjoy the five hundred dollar blisters, idiot. And change your emergency contact info for when they cart you off to the emergency room in the wahmbulance, cause if it's a shoe-related injury, I ain't comin to get you."
     Reply
    misslinda was starred misslinda was unstarred
    Image of momof3wildkids momof3wildkids
    06:03 PM

    @misslinda: It is back down to $700ish.... what happened?

    My husband would say something similar about shoes.....
     Reply
    momof3wildkids was starred momof3wildkids was unstarred
    Image of misslinda misslinda
    06:17 PM

    @momof3wildkids: Oh really...hmm...another couple of days and it'll be down into my price range! And if I got another copy of her book (bargain bin, natch), I could strap them to my feet and wear them as shoes (just anticipating the "what the hell are you going to do with that? You're not even going to read it, and if you are, it's just going to make you angry. At least you can wear a pair of expensive shoes. Idiot." rant).
     Reply
    misslinda was starred misslinda was unstarred
    Image of AndPreciousLittleofThat AndPreciousLittleofThat
    03:59 PM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    Holy bicycle-riding Christ. These stories are like beautiful, perfectly formed crystals, each growing in their own odd and disturbing direction.

    There is one big takeaway from all this: Alcohol should be far less available than it currently is.
     Reply
    AndPreciousLittleofThat was starred AndPreciousLittleofThat was unstarred
    Image of RollsRoyceRevenge RollsRoyceRevenge
    03:57 PM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    I asked my mother for her favorite story and here it is:

    Back when I was a baby, she and my father went to visit my father's terrifying cousin for Thanksgiving. Cousin answered the door in skin-tight floor length black lace with nothing on underneath and escorted them to the dining room table where a blank verse competition was being held. The table was decorated with dead sunflowers and cornstalks painted black and the first course was a dish of lobster ice cream. At some point tom-toms were taken up and a lament for the deaths of the Native American people was recited for about an hour or so. My parents left before the absinthe toast and passing of the sacred lodestones.
     Reply
    RollsRoyceRevenge was starred RollsRoyceRevenge was unstarred
    Image of momof3wildkids momof3wildkids
    03:40 PM

    In reply to The Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book: Bid on This Literary Treasure for Charity
    You are charging $4 for shipping? Really? Couldn't Denton spring for the four bucks?
     Reply
    momof3wildkids was starred momof3wildkids was unstarred
    Image of Foster Kamer Foster Kamer
    03:54 PM

    @momof3wildkids: I just filled it in because the page wasn't saving. WHATEVER. I'll pay the $4.
     Reply
    Foster Kamer was starred Foster Kamer was unstarred
    Image of momof3wildkids momof3wildkids
    04:11 PM

    @Foster Kamer: Just giving you shit Foster. Great idea! Save the Children does wonderful work.

    Still no 'full-frontal' head shot of you? I'd throw in some change for that.
     Reply
    Edited by momof3wildkids at 11/24/09 4:22 PM momof3wildkids was starred momof3wildkids was unstarred
    Image of Dickdogfood Dickdogfood
    03:35 PM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    This thread fucking RULES and I am so proud of Gawker and its audience right now.
     Reply
    Dickdogfood was starred Dickdogfood was unstarred
    Image of Banjo-Sea Kitten Banjo-Sea Kitten
    04:27 PM

    @Dickdogfood: I don't know when I've laughed and cried this much. I think I'm even laughing at the really dark ones when I should be crying.
     Reply
    Banjo-Sea Kitten was starred Banjo-Sea Kitten was unstarred
    Image of Jim Topoleski Jim Topoleski
    03:18 PM

    In reply to The Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book: Bid on This Literary Treasure for Charity
    wow I remember my ex girlfriend LOVING to write so called "slam books"

    She had hundreds of them in high school she passed along to friends, I even found some of them long after we broke up.

    I never knew she stole the idea from someone else. For some reason I always assumed she was deranged enough to have thought of it herself.
     Reply
    Jim Topoleski was starred Jim Topoleski was unstarred
    Image of The Real JR The Real JR
    03:13 PM

    In reply to The Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book: Bid on This Literary Treasure for Charity
    Item specifics - Fiction & Literature Books
    Format: Hardcover
    Publication Year: 2009
    Topic: --
    Special Attributes: 1st Edition, Signed Language: English
    Condition: Brand New
    Subject: Folklore, Mythology

    LOLOLOL
     Reply
    The Real JR was starred The Real JR was unstarred
    Image of BookishLookish BookishLookish
    03:04 PM

    In reply to The Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book: Bid on This Literary Treasure for Charity
    Smails will bit $120 if there're tits involved. Anyone?
     Reply
    BookishLookish was starred BookishLookish was unstarred
    Image of Foster Kamer Foster Kamer
    03:12 PM

    @BookishLookish: I'll show tits. WE HAVE $120 DO WE HEAR $2,000?
     Reply
    Foster Kamer was starred Foster Kamer was unstarred
    Image of BookishLookish BookishLookish
    03:18 PM

    @Foster Kamer: Are yours really worth two large, kid? Well, hellooooo....
     Reply
    BookishLookish was starred BookishLookish was unstarred
    Image of Foster Kamer Foster Kamer
    03:29 PM

    @BookishLookish: Not at all. The book, however: YES.
     Reply
    Foster Kamer was starred Foster Kamer was unstarred
    Image of BookishLookish BookishLookish
    03:32 PM

    @Foster Kamer: *sniff* You did not ask me about mine, Foster. Their wait in gold, my dear. Why, the cleavage alone is worth a fortune.
     Reply
    BookishLookish was starred BookishLookish was unstarred
    Image of The Real JR The Real JR
    03:04 PM

    In reply to The Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book: Bid on This Literary Treasure for Charity
    Dude, I was in the lead then got outbid within 3 minutes.

    Oh, it's a mutha-fuckin-BID-OFF!
     Reply
    The Real JR was starred The Real JR was unstarred
    Image of Alaska Miller Alaska Miller
    03:02 PM

    In reply to The Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book: Bid on This Literary Treasure for Charity
    This is a farce.

    The best Sarah Palin book in the world is to buy Going Rouge, replace the dust jacket with Going Rogue and convincing her to sign it. Then you return Going Rogue and put Going Rouge on eBay.
     Reply
    Alaska Miller was starred Alaska Miller was unstarred
    Image of Richard Petty Bourgeoisie Richard Petty Bourgeoisie
    03:01 PM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    In July, 1983, my mother married my stepfather. He was a well-known (white) high school basketball coach who coached at an inner-city high school and considered his players (all of whom were black) his sons. My stepfather attended his first family Thanksgiving that November. My mother's family is big, and we were all seated around a giant, round table. My stepfather sat next to my 90 year-old great-grandmother, who was almost surely five Bloody Marys deep by the time dinner was served. Grammy was ornery and racist (born in 1893) and inappropriate and usually drunk, and in her later years her jaw always moved up and down and side to side due to Parkinson's (like Kate Hepburn).

    Well, right after my grandfather said grace, Grammy turned to my stepfather and had the following exchange:

    Grammy: "Ted, do you know how to save a drowning n***er?"

    Ted: "Um, no."

    Grammy: "Good."

    The room was silent but for Grammy's loud cackling. Mom and Ted divorced soon thereafter.
     Reply
    Richard Petty Bourgeoisie was starred Richard Petty Bourgeoisie was unstarred
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