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New York, 4:01 AM
Tue Nov 24
46 posts in the last 24 hours

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    Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×
    Image of Trai_Dep Trai_Dep
    02:55 AM

    In reply to Tweets on Ice: Dispatches from Jail in 140 Characters or Less
    The interestingness of PrisonTweets sure to drop considerably after the Corrections Board mandates 100-character canned warning every 15 seconds stating, "This Tweet Comes From Imprisoned Inmate of the State of California Corrections System".
     Reply
    Trai_Dep was starred Trai_Dep was unstarred
    Image of onebadclam onebadclam
    01:54 AM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    ...and when they got to her house they found a turkey leg hanging from the car door handle!

    dun-dun-dun!

    /turns off flashlight
     Reply
    Edited by onebadclam at 11/24/09 2:04 AM onebadclam was starred onebadclam was unstarred
    Image of raincoaster raincoaster
    01:32 AM

    In reply to Tweets on Ice: Dispatches from Jail in 140 Characters or Less
    I once bitched on Twitter about the skanky dude at the web cafe who surfed porn all day. Not only did said dude jump a MILE in his chair when that post went out, but two cops walked in and checked him and his monitor over a few minutes later. Sadly, he'd switched to Amazon.com or something.
     Reply
    raincoaster was starred raincoaster was unstarred
    Image of Dickdogfood Dickdogfood
    01:26 AM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    The family has had plenty of DRAMA! in its time, but my Thanksgivings have traditionally been boring (if irritatingly boring) rather than colorful.

    A small exception: I stayed on campus Thanksgiving weekend my junior year of college, and decided to spend one very lonely day drinking until I puked because I had never done that before. I succeeded!
     Reply
    Dickdogfood was starred Dickdogfood was unstarred
    Image of Dot Dot
    12:39 AM

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    Took my boyfriend (soon to be husband and, um, soon after that to be ex-husband) to meet the family at Thanksgiving. My sister-in-law got pissy and essentially told my niece she was fat. Then my sister told my sister-in-law she was fat. (It probably doesn't matter, but none of the fat-called were actually fat). Much screaming and hilarity (for the rest of the family) ensued. Accusations were flung, histrionics were had. My sister-in-law slammed out the door screeching she was walking home (which was over 120 miles away). Then everybody had a lovely dinner, including my brother, who didn't go after my sister-in-law for at least an hour.
    Ever since, at each family gathering and as a holiday tradition, someone in the family randomly fake-shouts at someone else and then threatens to leave and walk home.
     Reply
    Edited by Dot at 11/24/09 12:42 AM Dot was starred Dot was unstarred
    Image of Bunsy Bunsy
    11/23/09

    In reply to Tweets on Ice: Dispatches from Jail in 140 Characters or Less
    I think they used to do the same thing at Groton...
     Reply
    Bunsy was starred Bunsy was unstarred
    Image of Phyllis Nefler Phyllis Nefler
    11/23/09

    @Bunsy: Ha! LIGHTS OUT!
     Reply
    Phyllis Nefler was starred Phyllis Nefler was unstarred
    Image of sweet_communist sweet_communist
    11/23/09

    In reply to Tweets on Ice: Dispatches from Jail in 140 Characters or Less
    Someone should make proprietary jailhouse tweet-delivering software, so you know the messages are really from the inside. These jailhouse Twitter users could be called Bird Men, and the software Alcatraz.

    Too convoluted? Or just stupid enough?
     Reply
    snugbug promoted this comment Edited by sweet_communist at 11/23/09 11:21 PM sweet_communist was starred sweet_communist was unstarred
    Image of cockfightbarmitzvah cockfightbarmitzvah
    11/23/09

    In reply to Tweets on Ice: Dispatches from Jail in 140 Characters or Less
    Adrian, as the editor for Modern Correctional Officers Monthly, I'd like to discuss adapting this concept into a coffee table book.
     Reply
    cockfightbarmitzvah was starred cockfightbarmitzvah was unstarred
    Image of SybilDisobedience SybilDisobedience
    11/23/09

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    I only have one little story, and it's nothing traumatic like some of these I've read. When I was a little kid, I always admired my Uncle Danny, my mom's brother - he was a skinny biker guy, a Vietnam vet with long hair who always wore leather jackets. He really only came around on holidays.
    For several years in my youth he was married to a woman named Star. One Thanksgiving, he asked to say the blessing, which was unusual, but my parents agreed. He stood up, raised his glass, and said "Thanks God, for getting Star off the coke!"
    I don't remember, but my mom said my dad was livid. The rest of the family quietly choked back their laughter and said "Amen!"
     Reply
    Edited by SybilDisobedience at 11/23/09 10:56 PM SybilDisobedience was starred SybilDisobedience was unstarred
    Image of kookla kookla
    11/23/09

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    There's no way I could top any of these stories! But I do have many memories of sitting around the dinner table with my 8 brothers and sisters trying to make each other laugh. Since I was the comedian of the family, I always brought my best material (Rodney Dangerfield and Richard Pryor would kill) and managed to make milk shoot out of someone's nose or get them to choke on a turkey bone. One Thanksgiving, I made my brother laugh so hard, he vomited his entire second serving into his plate causing a chain reaction of everyone else to either gag or puke or scream in horror.

    I was sent to my room with no dinner. But my mom snuck me a turkey leg and some sides later that night.
     Reply
    Edited by kookla at 11/23/09 10:51 PM kookla was starred kookla was unstarred
    Image of b4nt4 b4nt4
    11/23/09

    In reply to British Sunday Times Writer Who Thinks New York City Pretty Much Sucks: A Formal Response
    all i know is in london they have one machine--one teeny tiny machine--that both washes and dries your clothes. i really can't tell you about the social scene because when i lived there a good 85% of my waking hours were spent doing laundry.
     Reply
    b4nt4 was starred b4nt4 was unstarred
    Image of bess marvin, girl detective bess marvin, girl detective
    11/23/09

    In reply to Tinsley Mortimer Plays Den Mother to a Pack of 13-Year-Olds
    needs more guadalupe
     Reply
    bess marvin, girl detective was starred bess marvin, girl detective was unstarred
    Image of son of spam son of spam
    11/23/09

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    One year my older sister, who had dated a succession of pretty interesting guys, moved from NYC to Florida. She came back to NY for the holidays and showed up with her new boyfriend, a thirty-something lifeguard. Yes, that was his career. Yes, he drove a Corvette. I want to say that he had a picture of the car in his wallet but I think I just want to believe that. Before the meal, I was doing a crossword puzzle and Mr. Lifeguard decided to help me. Apparently, he didn't do them too often because he couldn't grasp that the amount of letters had to match. I'd say something like, "A three letter word for auto," and he would shout out, "Automobile! Give me another one." At this point, my brother and I had a rough idea of his IQ and knew about the love of his life. Throughout the meal, anytime there was a pause in the conversation, we asked him about his car. He was very enthusiastic. My father wanted to kill us.

    Dude was girlfriend-free by the time they flew back south. Many years later, after enduring countless reminders of that holiday, my sister admitted that Mr.Lifeguard had a very large penis. So he had that going for him.

    Another year, I spent the holidays with my wife's family. They all live forever. I think they sold their souls and their sense of humor to the devil. Anyway, I had to miss the drunken reunion that is my family's celebration to spend it with the in-laws. We traveled four hours to Reading, Pennsylvania to share the day with four 90-plus year old relatives at Schmeck's Italian Villa, still my favorite restaurant name ever.

    I have more, drunkier ones too.
     Reply
    son of spam was starred son of spam was unstarred
    Image of Lysergic Asset Lysergic Asset
    11/23/09

    @son of spam: Your sister is a very honest woman.
     Reply
    Lysergic Asset was starred Lysergic Asset was unstarred
    Image of katastic katastic
    11/23/09

    In reply to Give Us Your Best Thanksgiving Horror Stories
    There's a sad one: I was all of 8 years old, and my mother and father had just undergone a bitter separation. For the "kids' sakes", my parents decided to have the meal in one house for the first holiday as a 'divided family'. My mother was a mess at the time- she was still in love with my father and hoped the marriage could be saved, but he was adamantly opposed. She cooked, but something went wrong with the meat- it was tough to the point of inedibility. We were all desperate not to embarass her, and we all choked it down anyways, including my father, as we sat at a strangely sad and silent dinner table. I remember how much it hurt to swallow, because I was trying not to cry.

    And a funnier one: We had just finished our Thanksgiving dinner at my mother's house, which-this was many years later- had been perfectly nice. We were lounging around the living room in various stages of food coma when we heard a loud WHOOMPH as a huge orange flash and a wave of tremendous heat came from the kitchen. The cat ran yowling into the living room. We ran into the kitchen to find scorch marks on the wall and the stove a full foot from where it had been-my mother hadn't turned off the gas all the way, and the stove blew up.
    That was the Thanksgiving we all almost died! Wheeeeee!
     Reply
    katastic was starred katastic was unstarred
    Image of ChasityNuggletron ChasityNuggletron
    11/23/09

    @katastic: Your sad one did make me cry. At my desk. I want to hug the 8-year old you.
     Reply
    snugbug promoted this comment ChasityNuggletron was starred ChasityNuggletron was unstarred
    Image of VeraEumelus VeraEumelus
    11/23/09

    @katastic: That second one made me laugh really, really hard and I needed it (My own Thanksgiving horror story happened today, when I realized I booked my flights home and back backwards. so now I have to pay twice as much to fly home. Weee!). So thanks for the laugh.
     Reply
    katastic promoted this comment VeraEumelus was starred VeraEumelus was unstarred
    Image of scouts honor scouts honor
    11/23/09

    @katastic: Your 8-year-old Thanksgiving sounds a lot like mine. The only difference is my father didn't show up and never called to say why.
     Reply
    snugbug promoted this comment scouts honor was starred scouts honor was unstarred
    Image of katastic katastic
    11/23/09

    @ChasityNuggletron: Thank you.
     Reply
    katastic was starred katastic was unstarred
    Image of katastic katastic
    11/23/09

    @scouts honor: Oof, horrible. You "win". :(
     Reply
    katastic was starred katastic was unstarred
    Image of Lysergic Asset Lysergic Asset
    11/23/09

    @katastic: Oh, the stove blowing up story is stupendous. I hope the cat wasn't hurt!
     Reply
    Lysergic Asset was starred Lysergic Asset was unstarred
    Image of ms_priestypants ms_priestypants
    11/23/09

    @VeraEumelus: Oh no! I had a very weird year where every time I booked a flight, something horrible would happen. One time I had the dates wrong and realized it as I tried to check in online 24 hours ahead, another was during the transit strike and I got a ride from a friend with a car to LaGuardia, only to realize I was flying out of Newark after he'd already dropped me off (my taxi cost more than my roundtrip ticket). It must have happened three or four times. It was my first year in New York and I was homesick like you wouldn't believe, and thought I was cursed.
     Reply
    Edited by ms_priestypants at 11/23/09 11:17 PM ms_priestypants was starred ms_priestypants was unstarred
    Image of MincnglyWhrdL'mer MincnglyWhrdL'mer
    11/23/09

    In reply to Tinsley Mortimer Plays Den Mother to a Pack of 13-Year-Olds
    TINSREEEEE !!! WE LUV YOU !!!

    also: I misread a sentence somewhere in the third paragraph as "tinsley has the face of a japanese handbag", and I won't say that didn't please me.
     Reply
    MincnglyWhrdL'mer was starred MincnglyWhrdL'mer was unstarred
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