The Palin-Beck drama began when the former governor of Alaska told Newsmax she considers Beck "a hoot" and would be open to running with him. She repeated the coy "we'll see..." wink-nudge invite on Fox and Friends, prompting the king of televised weeping to dismiss Palin as frivolous, strident, and exceedingly female. First he asks her to stop using the word "hoot":

BECK: I don't think things are hoots. I don't. I don't think it's a hoot. I would never use the word hoot, and I respectfully ask that every time my name is brought up she would stop using the word "hoot."

And then he puts her in her place, the kitchen. He adds a note of self-irony about "evil conservative stereotypes," but does that actually redeem it?

BECK: I'm just saying, Beck-Palin, I'll consider. But Palin-Beck—can you imagine, can you imagine what an administration with the two of us would be like? What? Come on! She'd be yapping or something, and I'd say, "I'm sorry, why am I hearing your voice? I'm not in the kitchen." I mean, you'd have to live up to the evil conservative stereotypes, you'd have no choice, you'd have to. Look, I talked to the woman about it, I don't even know what she was saying.

Listen here:

Palin has a hair-trigger reaction to sexist slights—see Newsweek Cover Melodrama, The—so I would predict a wingnut feud, but in this case, Lady Alaska's martyr complex is going to conflict with her effusive love of right-wing media. Also, Beck's producers will likely pressure him to make nice. She's way too valuable to them.

Then again, if this most schadenfreude-rich year has taught us anything, it's that the only predictable thing about the Thrilla from Wasilla is her ability to hold grudges, so I'm going to call a 50-50 split on whether she flies into attack mode or sits back, arches an eyebrow, and quietly snubs him, instead. Hooray, now we have something to look forward to for after the holiday!

Beck's Sexist Reason For Ruling Out Palin-Beck Ticket: She'd Always Be ‘Yapping' Like We're ‘In The Kitchen' [Think Progress]

Correction: An early version of this post said Beck's Palin-slamming broadcast occurred today, but in fact it was yesterday.

The day after Thanksgiving is the most popular shopping day of the year, but it also the most deadly. Sure, there are always going to be fights over limited merchandise, but early morning specials and stores trying to frontload their days with shoppers ready to spend has created an atmosphere of deadly frenzy. Well, it is time to fight back! Here are several methods that will keep you alive and get you to the front of the pack. This December 25th when you have a pocket full of left-over cash and your children gratefully screech, "Thank you, Santa!" You better turn to your computer, nod, and say, "No, thank you, Gawker."

The Paparazzi Strategy: Pretend like the mob rushing the front door for cheap Blu-Ray players are like photographers and you are Robert Pattinson. Surround yourself with some thuggy types and have them walk you through the crowd.
Fatal Flaw: You have to have a big, tough entourage, or else you'll all go down like Tila Tequila at the dick buffet.
Best For: Big egos, people who are well connected, anyone with a subscription to Star.
Do Not Attempt If...: You do not know who Robert Pattinson is. That means you have never seen someone successfully avoid the paps and you are doomed to a million footprints on your face.

The NASCAR Strategy: At 4:59, right before the doors open, have a friend or family member pull up in a car that vaguely resembles a NASCAR racer. It's going to be dark, so it doesn't have to be perfect. When all the Walmartians are staring shout, "Look, it's Jeff Gordon!!" The crowd will go rushing for autographs and it will be just you and and the Walmart greeter.
Fatal Flaw: You may be stuck in a stampede when everyone goes Gaga over Gordon.
Best For: Red staters
Do Not Attempt If...: You live somewhere where no one will know who Jeff Gordon is. If you are standing the cold in front of Target instead of Walmart, you are in one of those places. If that is the case, a black town car with a black lady in the back seat can be used to create a diversionary "Oprah."

The Blocking Wedge Strategy: This football-inspired move is so effective that it got banned by the NFL. Get several "toughs" (great aunts work especially well for this) and have them run in a tight V formation. You are at the center of the V safe from harm. You will plow through the crowd of bargain hunters like a plow through snow.
Fatal Flaw: You have to get Great Aunt Fanny and the girls to run fast enough or else your wedge will be destroyed by the tide of bodies behind you.
Best For: Sports fans, Deadspin readers, lesbians.
Do Not Attempt If...: You are not committed. It's not easy to make your way through a mob, but when you get your hands on an electronic hampster it will be all worth it.

The Storm Trooper Strategy: Just like when Han Solo and Luke Skywalker put on Storm Trooper costumes to infiltrate the Death Star in Star Wars, all you need is a Walmart uniform to get inside. Show up in a blue apron an hour early and use the employee entrance. They've hired tons of seasonal staff, so they won't even care that they don't recognize you. Make yourself busy organizing shelves or something. And when the doors open, ditch the apron, and grab whatever your little heart desires.
Fatal Flaw: Someone might realize that you don't have a time card with your name on it.
Best For: The nondescript, chameleons, failed actors.
Do Not Attempt If...: You have any distinguishing features. People won't remember a mid-height lady with brown hair, but if someone with a goth 'do and a face full of piercings shows up at the employee entrance, it might cause a stir.

The Stay the Fuck Home! Strategy: Um, see the above. Really, is it worth risking death over a cheap TV? Also, it is real early in the morning.
Fatal Flaw: If servers crash on Cyber Monday then you are screwed.
Best For: Sane individuals, spendthrifts, city folk.
Do Not Attempt If...: You really want to go out with shopping cart wheel marks over your face in your coffin.

The Washington Post's Reliable Source blog reported earlier today that the two notorious DC socialites had not been on the official white house guest for last night's state dinner honoring the Indian Prime Minister—but were there anyway! This evening, Reliable Source received official word from the White House: The Salahi's had slipped through a Secret Service checkpoint "which did not follow proper procedure to ensure these two individuals were on the invited guest list." AKA: THEY CRASHED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT PARTY.

But the Secret Service told Reliable Source that the couple did not pose any risk aside from embarrassing everyone by dancing sexy to "Bad Romance":

"Everyone who enters the White House grounds goes through magnetometers and several other levels of screenings," said Ed Donovan, a spokesman for the Secret Service. "That was the case with the state dinner last night. No one was under any risk or threat."

Like most good party crashers, the Salahis flitted around like they owned the place, mugging for the camera with celebs and politicians for pictures Michaele would later upload to her Facebook profile (status update: "Honored to have attended the state dinner at the White House in honor of India with President Obama and our First Lady.")—basically stopping just short of pushing Obama aside to deliver the opening toast themselves, blisteringly drunk, complimenting the Indian prime minister on his "funny hat" before trying to goad the Obamas into a quad-kiss. Here they are with Joe Biden, who you will remember is the vice-president of our nation:

The Salahi's biography is predictable in a sad way: She is a rumored contender for the upcoming DC edition of Bravo's hope-squelching "Real Housewives" series, and defines her style as "classic and feminine with a slim rocker edge. I'm addicted to white clothes, and I love stilettos." He has been embroiled in a complex lawsuit over a family winery and is a polo enthusiast who founded "America's Polo Cup"—which is also being sued for not paying a caterer, according to Reliable Source. Of course these are the people who crash state dinners.

It is pretty ridiculous (and scary) that on this night—Obama's special night!—these two fameballs showed up and successfully used an important geopolitical event as a launching pad for their now inevitable reality show/string of late-night television interviews. But also kind of awesome. Go (to Hell) Salahis!

UPDATE: Commenter Claire Buoyant points us to the Salahis wedding video, which adds about 10,000 pounds to the "sad" side of the Sad/Awesome Scale of Justice.

This isn't the first time Winfrey's shanked her holiday audiences. (Scoring seats at a Thanksgiving-week Oprah episode is like playing scratch-offs: you have a 1-in-5 chance of winning, since she always does it during Thanksgiving week, but never says exactly which day she'll do.) Last year, the audience flew into the requisite screaming seizures when Oprah announced it was a 'Favorite Things' episode—and then died down really fast when she said the theme would be "the recession," and they were all getting thrifty products and ideas for D.I.Y junk.

A blast from the wantonly materialistic 'Favorite Things' of yore is a journey into the chi of Oprah, which apparently exists at the intersection of "comfort," "convenience," and "delicious," with a really heavy emphasis on "delicious."

We Take the Cake Key Lime Cake
In her first 'Favorite Things' episode in 2002, Oprah matched her lime green outfit to a bundt cake drizzled with key lime juice and smothered in key lime cream cheese frosting. "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels" does not apply to 'Favorite Things.'

Dreamtime Foot Cozys
These highly evolved socks, featured in the 2002 show, come with microwavable aromatherapy packs filled with calming cinnamon, comforting clove, and revitalizing eucalyptus, all of which will make your feet good enough to eat.

Ralph Lauren Black Label Slim-Fit Cashmere Sweater
This was one of the orgasmic scream-inducing items from 'Favorite Things' 2003, on account of women loving things that are (a) soft (b) elite (c) tell them they are slender. It's such a simple formula!

Philosophy The Gingerbread Man Body Products
By 2003, a 'Favorite Things' formula had been established: If a 'Favorite Thing' is not a food, then it should seem like a food and/or make the user feel like she is a food. Thus, Philosophy's Gingerbread Man body products, which allow the user to bathe in sugar and turn herself into a delicious human-shaped holiday snack.

Tilia FoodSaver Vac
If a 'Favorite Thing' is not a food, and neither seems like a food nor turns the user into a food, then facilitating the consumption of food is also acceptable, as Oprah demonstrated in 2003.

Ugg Classic Short Boot
Remember when Uggs were cool and trendy? Apparently that was before 2003, when Oprah first place them on the feet of Midwestern housewives. She went on to hand out other Ugg models in 2005 and 2007.

Orbitz
I have no idea what it means that Oprah gave her audience "Orbitz" in 2004, but let's assume it was one of those "Al Gore invents the internet" things. I, Oprah, bestow unto you the gift of competitively priced airfare and hotel reservations.

Apple Bottom Jeans
In 2003, Oprah told her audience they were skinny by giving them slim-fit sweaters. In 2004, she told they they had fat butts by giving them Apple Bottom jeans. Which reminds me, what ever happened to Search for the Next Apple Bottom Girl, in which rapper/designer Nelly scoured the world in search of girls with huge butts who look good in his jeans? Apple Bottom Girl was only supposed to last one year. How did he find the next one, without the aid of a viewing public??

Garrett Popcorn
Mail-order staple (and Chicago brand) Garrett Popcorn appeared in 2002 and 2005, with Oprah favoring the Caramel Crisp and Cheesy flavors. I have eaten this popcorn, and can vouch for its tastiness.

The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
At age 13, German self-help guru Eckhart Tolle decided school was a "hostile environment" and dropped out, making him a weird choice for a segment that once had an all-teacher audience, to express Oprah's respect for education. Anyway, Tolle went on to write about how you, too, can find a Portal to the Now of the Unmanifested.

LG HD-TV Refrigerator
Now, you can watch Oprah and eat—at the same time! In 2007, 'Favorite Things' got dangerously close to self-parody.
http://www.lge.com/products/model/detail/gr-p227s.jhtml

Nancy's Healthy Kitchen Low-Fat Cookies
Lest you think 'Favorite Things' is all about sitting on your cashmere-lined apple bottom, eating delicious food and getting fat, watch Oprah fly into song about the deliciousness of these healthy cookies which have "less the one gram of fat." She forces her audience to tear open their bags and feast right then and there, and they murmur and nod their heads. Yes, these taste as though they have many grams of fat in them, not just one. Just once, I'd like to see someone spit their 'Favorite Thing' food out and say it is inedible, or maybe go into anaphylactic shock over a buried peanut.

Follow the action from last night's episode in nine easy steps (if you have a hard time reading the panels, click on the "Full Size" link underneath to see a larger version). This week, Stacie the bartender and Kristin travel to Vegas, Justin Bobby gets a booty call, and Spencer is the one who gets fucked when Heidi tries to get pregnant.

Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

As Obama points out, it is not even an old tradition. Bush I started it. Nothing Bush I did should be carried on as a presidential tradition. And, even worse, Obama is continuing Bush Jr's tradition of sending the birds to Disneyland, to die. Because these are eating turkeys, and so they have been bred too fat to walk, and with weak hearts.

But! That is not very fun, is it? Obama's speech actually had one very funny line, about "saving or creating four turkeys," and an official White House transcript was released that includes the following:

And man those kids are adorable. Our whole factory farming rage just melted away watching this clip.

Answer: Hiding from their rabid fans.

There are four major types of Twihard attack, each with a unique perpetrator profile and modus operandi:

1. Non-Consensual Neck Bites
You'd think would happen all the time, but forcible tooth-on-neck penetrations are relatively rare in the Twihard universe, probably because most fans would prefer to be Edward Cullen's victim, not his imitator. Nonetheless, a Michigan NBC affiliate reports today that a "white man, about 45 years old" is at large after biting a 17-year-old girl at a New Moon showing*:

I tried to pull away and he didn't let go. He was just kind of staring at me, smiling, in this really creepy way ... He got maybe two, three feet from my chair and he grabs me by the back of my hair, pulls me backward and bites me on the neck.

2. Twihard-on-Twihard Violence
In the orgiastic frenzies surrounding every Twilight event, it is a foregone conclusion that someone would put an eye out. A brawl over a Robsessed poster landed a British teen in the hospital after a screening of the fan documentary last week. Sarah O'Regan explains her harrowing plight:

I didn't find out about the free Robsessed posters till they were all gone. Then I spotted one on the table at the same time as another girl and we both ran for it. I grabbed it first but then she snatched it off me. ... I was frightened, as I don't ever get into fights, but at that moment I was totally Robsessed and I had fire in my heart. It all happened so quickly. I ended up on the floor and my arm and cheek were in terrible pain, so my friend had to take me to hospital. [Note: I have removed extraneous exclamation points from this account because they are annoying, and also because it's funnier as a deadpan.]

O'Regan, who is Robert Pattinson's "biggest fan in the world" and "want[s] to marry him," reports that the poster was torn in half during the scuffle, but that she got "the better half," which included Pattinson's face. She remains in good spirits:

I'm so gutted I missed the screening, but the DVD company have sent me a free copy of Robsessed which I have already watched about 4 times

Though terrifying, Twihard-on-Twihard violence is easily avoided, mostly by avoiding any and all Twilight-related gatherings.

3. Twihard-on-Bystander Violence
A message board directory of Twilight-related attacks, reveal baseball beat-downs, broken bones, small explosive devices, and a nearly scratched-out eyeball. This tale of an attempted schoolroom throat-slashing has a somewhat unreliable narrator, but is really good, in a Bad Boys meets Mean Girls sort of way:

[I]n Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. she came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed "How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!" Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn't have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed. She was expelled, but I got after school detention for defending myself (our principal is a ass)!

To avoid Twihard-on-Bystander attacks, stay away from places where teenagers congregate and do not, under any circumstances, openly criticize Twilight in public. Should you be the victim of Twihard-on-Bystander violence, know that it is not your fault, Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, and next time, carry a rape whistle.

4. Celebrity-Directed Attacks
Celebrity-directed attacks are theoretically dangerous to Twilight's beleaguered stars, but since event organizers now know to anticipate them, the cavalcade of beefy New Moon security actually leaves Twihard fans at greater risk of endangering themselves. Witness Robert Pattinson's tale of how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public: After an autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off," prompting the nubile young female to rip her clothes off and get "dragged out of the room by security."

* UPDATE: She was lying! Props to commenter Matt Cherette for calling bullshit early.

Intern Intensity
by Betsey Morgenstern
ED2010.com Reporter

Internships can be your foot in the door to a career in the ever expanding empire of print publications, but they can also be hard, crazy, and full of drama. Just ask Bryn Leavemeoutofthis and Susie Stockingstuffer, who are currently interning at Elle magazine and People's Revolution PR, respectively. I talked to the two of them about their work, their coworkers, and what they hope to get out of this experience.

Hey Bryn, tell us about your job at Elle?
I'm the accessories intern, so I help on all the shoots for the bags, shoes, bangles, and things like that. I also go to all the stores and pick up the things that the editors pulled for the big photo shoots and then I have to keep track of everything and where it goes and make sure it doesn't get damaged and then take it all back. Sometimes I have to make coffee, but I never have to get lunch because no one at Elle eats!

Who is your supervisor?
Officially I report to PR chief Erin Kaplan, even though she's not an editor, but I let everyone order me around.

Tell us about a recent assignment you had?
Just last week, I had to accompany accessories editor Olivia Palermo when she went to this super hot boutique in SoHo that you've probably never heard of. It's called Mango, and it's just the awesomest store ever. Well, we had to pull four looks for an upcoming Today show segment that Erin was getting together but Joe Zee [the magazine's creative director] would be giving on air. It was something about looks that a girl would like and a boy would like. I didn't understand exactly what, but Erin said, "Babysit Olivia," so I thought I just had to make sure she didn't hurt herself or do anything too stupid.

Anyway, we go to Mango and she starts taking stuff off the racks. She moves really slowly, like she is always thinking about what party she is going to go to later that night or fantasizing about her really hot boyfriend. When we have a bunch of things together, she has decided that's all we're pulling from the store. Last time I had to "babysit Olivia" she didn't pull enough clothes and Erin got all mad and yelled at us. All I want as an intern is not to get yelled at, so it was pretty bad for me. Then Erin sent me to pull a few more outfits and took all the credit and said she did it herself. That's fine with me. I said, "Thank you" and brought her coffee just the way she likes it—black with a little bit of baby's blood.

So, I told Olivia, "Maybe we should get some more stuff." And she was like, "Naw, this is good. I have to go home and listen to Tribe Called Quest and smoke a few bowls before I go to the American Association to Beat Spina Bifida benefit tonight at the Armory, so I'm gonna peace out." So I asked her, "Erin is going to be pissed." She didn't respond, she just yawned and walked out the door.

What happened? Was Erin pissed?
Later that week we had a model fitting. One of the models was this huge fat girl. She was a size 16! What does she eat for lunch? Fried lard? I had on this really cute off-one-shoulder short dress that my friend Serena van der Woodsen lent me when she was done with it. She said the skirt was too long. I almost ruined my dress because Olivia pulled a size 14 for her and we had to pull the dress over her giant fat body. It was like putting a baseball through a garden hose.

Erin showed up and said it was too tight. Olivia was like, "My eyes are really bloodshot and squinty right now, so it looks fine to me." Erin asked to see the rest of the looks and then she told her there weren't anymore because all the stores in Manhattan were having a really bad clothes shortage. I was so angry. I told Olivia we needed more options. Now I'm going to have to go back to Mango—which is my favorite store, but still—and get more outfits. Olivia and Erin start getting into this fight, and I'm just taking notes in my book trying to stay out of the whole mess.

You don't like when there's drama at work?
Not really. Mostly I just want to try on all the different belts and look at shoes and purses. I must be working in the wrong office, because they are always going at each other.

So what happened with Olivia and Erin?
They're getting into it, but Olivia wasn't getting as worked up as Erin and then she says, "Would you talk to Joe like that?" and Erin was flabbergasted, like Olivia just compared herself to a bald Asian guy. She has way too much hair to be Joe Zee! Then Erin asked me to leave the room.

What did you do?
Duh, I left the room.

Did you listen in at the door? That's what I would have done.
Yeah, I did for a second, but all I could hear was the sound of slapping and I knew that Erin finally got physical with Olivia. I was almost to the end of the hall and the door burst open and Erin came out and shouted, "Take it all back!" and then slammed the door. I was so scared I ran back to my desk.

Did Erin see you or something?
Yes and she was said, "Yoo-hoo. Bryn. Come here for a second," being all like fake sweet. I pretended not to hear her and scurried back to my desk looking at my notes like I didn't know what was going on. She followed me all the way there.

What did she say? Did she attack you?
No. I think she got all her aggression out on Olivia. She told me that she wasn't disappointed in me, because I'm always nice and helpful and I kill the babies the right way so that her coffee is always good. She said it was Olivia that didn't deserve to be there. Basically, she hopes that Olivia fucks up the Today show segment so bad that Joe Zee fires her. Then she told me to go to Mango and get more clothes, but to make it look like she was the one doing it. I said fine and left.

Did you tell her to fire Olivia and hire you instead? That's what I would have done.
No, but that's a good thought.

Will you give Erin my resume?
Sure!

Now we're going to talk to Suzie Stockingstuffer. Hi Suzie, tell us about your internship.
I've spent this whole semester at People's Revolution PR, which does fashion PR. It's located in SoHo and run by Kelly Kutrone, who is this like super famous PR lady. She even got Eliot Spitzer's hooker girlfriend into a fashion show. Can you believe that? Anyway, she doesn't call us interns, she calls us punching bags.

Is that what it feels like? Do you have bruises?
Only small ones, but that's because Roxy Carmichael Olin showed up. Now she mostly beats up on her. Kelly continues to let her work there, even though her complete hatred for Roxy is as obvious as her bad skin.

Tell us a little bit about Kelly. She sure has a way with words!
Yes, she does. I haven't been on the receiving end of one of her colorfully worded rants in a while. When you're not the one getting yelled at, she sure is a lot of fun to listen to.

Who does she usually yell at?
Lately just Roxy. We had a model casting recently for Whitney Port's look book for her clothing line and it was a disaster. Roxy got all these models and they didn't fit the look Kelly wanted and she screamed, "This is supposed to be a fairy tea part, not a goth nightmare!" She sent all the models home but three and told Roxy go to back to Model Depot and pick up some fresh ones. She was happy with the next selections.

You know, Whitney used to date my boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer?
Oh, you're the ex he got back together with? You're much nicer than Roxy and Whitney made you out to be.

What did they say about me?
Not much really. Um...

No, seriously, tell me!
Can we get back to the interview.

Sure, but only if you tell me a mean story about Whitney.
Well, there's not that much mean to say about her other than that she's really passive aggressive. We had the shoot for her look book with this guy Patrik Andersson. He's this like super famous fashion photographer but he said he'd do the shoot for free if they would put him on television. They agreed.

We're up on this super cool rooftop set with all these fairy lights and these three pretty girl models who are in Whitney's clothes and it's all looking super great. Roxy thinks it's boring though, because they weren't being all active and snorting coke and dancing on banquettes. She wants to start a food fight. Kelly pulls her aside and says, "You stupid cunt, you're going to get food on the clothes. This is Whitney's shoot. Shut the fuck up and don't do anything. I would fire you if MTV would let me."

Roxy backs off for a while but then right when everything is about to wrap Roxy is like, "Come on, let her pop a bottle of champagne and then all the other girls will laugh like it's the funniest shit they ever saw in their lives." Whitney agrees, because she'll pretty much do anything you tell her to. They set up the shot, but the model can't figure out how to pop the champagne, so when she tries to, she just drops the bottle and it breaks and gets booze all over the dress.

Whitney is pissed, and you can tell because she scrunches her face up like a used Kleenex in a boy's dorm bathroom, and she keeps telling Roxy she's not mad. Then they get in a food fight and laugh and laugh, and I ran because the last time I got Devil's Food Cake in my hair, it took like two weeks to get out.

Was Kelly pissed at Roxy?
She's always pissed at Roxy, but she seemed more pissed than usual.

Is she going to fire her?
I think she left that decision up to Whitney for the "season finale," whatever that means.

Well, if she does, will you give her my resume?

Well. What a fast turnaround, right?

"Whatever you have thought of me in the past, I can tell you right now that I am one of your greatest friends and I mean for us to work together," he said in a live interview with Telemundo's Maria Celeste. "I hope that will begin with Maria and me and Telemundo and other media organizations and others in this national debate that we should turn into a solution rather than a continuing debate and factional contest."

Mr. Dobbs twice mentioned a possible legalization plan for the estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in the U.S., saying at one point that "we need the ability to legalize illegal immigrants under certain conditions."

It's great that Lou Dobbs saw the light, and that he now favors liberalization of our broken immigration and naturalization process.

But—and, you know, we hate to do this two days in a row—fuck you, Lou Dobbs.

Mr. Dobbs couldn't be reached Tuesday. Spokesman Bob Dilenschneider said Mr. Dobbs draws a distinction between illegal immigrants who have committed crimes since arriving in the U.S. and those who are "living upright, positive and constructive lives" who should be "integrated" into society. He said Mr. Dobbs recognizes the political importance of Latinos and is "smoothing the water and clearing the air."

The funny thing, Lou, is that you were the one who attempted to create the impression, without evidence, that all illegal immigrants were criminals. You know-nothing prick.

You made your name on one issue, Lou, and one issue alone: that there are too many Mexicans, that the Mexicans are scary, and that they should all go back to Mexico, because they are disease-ridden criminals. You lied about how many immigrants there are, you called them "an army of invaders," you said they wanted to reannex the Southwestern United States, you claimed they were spreading leprosy, you spent hours of airtime openly, blatantly lying, in order to inflame anti-immigrant hysteria. That is what you did. For years. You doughy, lying, sack of shit.

Video via Anyguey.

Original Video- More videos at TinyPic

According to UNICO National, the new reality show "relies on crude stereotypes and highlights cursing, bad behavior and violence in depicting renters at a New Jersey beach house." Sort of proves the old adage about stereotypes: They put little kernels of truth into an air popper to make delicious, bigoted popcorn. [THR]

•TLC's "Jon & Kate Plus 8" got a big farewell for its last episode ever. 4.3 million people watched the reality television equivalent of a tow truck finally dragging a mangled car out from the quarry into which it had started plummeting nearly three years ago. [NYT]

•GLAAD is SAAD that Adam Lambert wasn't allowed to perform on ABC's "Good Morning America because of his face-humping antics. "Some music performances, regardless of the sexual orientation of the performer, are tailored for a prime time audience but not for a morning show audience," read a statement. (Lambert was booked instead on CBS' "Early Show".) [NYT]

•The revolutionary new, interactive "Avatar" trailer is to regular trailers as a video game is to a movie, except imagine that video game consisted only of being able to click "hot spots" on a picture with your mouse, which plays little movie clips. [The Wrap]

•The TV Guide Channel is showing a documentary on ugly-woman-with-a-pretty-voice Susan Boyle on Dec. 13. Which makes that YouTube video of Susan Boyle singing the first viral video adapted into a made-for-TV documentary. [The Wrap]

•"You can prick your finger but you can't finger your prick...": George Carlin's classic comedy album "Class Clown" is one of 25 recordings being introduced into the Grammy Hall of Fame. Also: The Beach Boys' "California Girls". [LA Times]

We are definitely not in the Bush White House anymore, people. According to the Washington Post's Reliable Source blog, sitting at the President's table for his first state dinner were "David Geffen, the Hollywood titan" and "Jeremy Lingvall, Geffen's Boyfriend."

Geffen and Lingvall have been linked as early as September 2008, when EW reported the two attended an Obama fund-raiser. (That night Obama presumably revealed to them that his pledge to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell was bullshit.) But who is this 26 year-old Jeremy Lingvall, boyfriend to 66-year-old David "Richest Man in Hollywood" Geffen? And what the hell could he and Obama possibly have talked about over their heaping plates of arugula? (We can only assume that Barack and Jeremy are pretty tight, since the sole other complete couple at the table were Nancy and Paul Pelosi. John Kerry was there—flying solo.)

We will use the time-honored journalistic practice of looking at Jeremy Lingvall's old Friendster account to attempt to answer these questions.

UPDATED with sexy pixxx from Jeremy's Facebook page. (All young billionaire-dating dudes: Lock your Facebook accounts.)

Jeremy is a 26 year-old surfer dude who graduated from the University of California, Santa Barbara in 2006. So maybe they talked about that?

The happy couple arrived to the ball in a carriage that transformed into a huge luxury yacht at midnight.

"Hello, President Obama! Do you remember me? You thought I was my boyfriend's son that one time. Pass the salt?"

"I like Arianna a lot, but she keeps dropping all these hints about how much she wished she was invited to this dinner. I mean, it's just a stupid dinner, right? No, no, no: I'm having a great time! Uh... pass the salt?" (Huffington and Geffen are old jetting buddies.)

"Hey Barack: Do you like to ROCK!?"

"Yeah, China was pretty chill. Weren't you just there or something?"

"This one I got from kiteboarding, and this one is from jumping off the eighth largest yacht in the world."

Is it enough to just say that out of all the words Jeremy could have used to describe himself on his Friendster profile he used these ones?

It is reassuring to know that if Obama choked on one of his green curry prawns during dinner there would be a sexy lifeguard on hand to perform rescue breathing on him until he swooned back to life.

Honestly? We were feeling bad about making fun of this kid until we saw this picture.

OK, it was all fun and games until this delightful pose. Now it's just <3 <3 <3 all the way to Obama's 2012 re-inauguration ball. See you there, Jeremy!

The most popular story on WSJ.com today has been their semi-exclusive about Joe Lieberman saying he's never going to vote for a health care bill with the public option. If you heard about Lieberman making news on health care today and went to Google "lieberman public option," you'd get these results. The shaded red boxes are the News Corp. properties: WSJ.com and Foxnews.com. Those would disappear, but there would be no shortage of results showing you what Lieberman told the WSJ in the top results.

But let's say you were really motivated to find the specific Wall Street Journal story about Joe Lieberman derailing health care and you searched "lieberman public option" and "wall street journal." That would currently bring up the story in question, as well as the Fox News result and an old WSJ blog post. But it would also bring up plenty of other sites that can tell you what was in the WSJ story. Those all likely will also provide a link to the WSJ story, but if they put up the pay wall Murdoch has promised, why would you bother to click through?

Lastly, here's a search for "lieberman public option" and "wall street journal," but with results from WSJ.com and FoxNews.com filtered out—in other words, what Google would return if they weren't allowed to index News Corp. pages.

All but the top two results — irrelevant HuffPo stories — show you exactly what Lieberman said in the Wall Street Journal. And would conceivably show you a link to the WSJ. So, no big loss.

[BID ON THE BOOK HERE. SERIOUSLY. IT'S FOR CHARITY.]

Realize: this is the best copy of this book in existence. Period. Bar none. And at a ceremony when the books and authors being honored have the sales of their books disproportionately inverted by their quality, it only seemed appropriate to get everybody in on The Big Joke of the evening: that more people would read Sarah Palin's Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Bullshit than any of the nominees' and winners' books, combined.

We offered the book up to some of our favorite literature and media luminaries that were in the house that evening. Dave Eggers—that asshole!—was very nice about refusing to sign our book, probably because it wasn't for his 826 charity. But he was kind. How's that for an endorsement?

Not good enough? What about super awesome sleepy Columbia MFA graduate and Freaks and Geeks actor James Franco signing our book?

Yes, this man signed our book. Okay, Jim. Maybe you made our photographer cry. But you did this one for the children. You're okay, today. Also, the nerds at Slate think you're The Sexiest Man With A Pulse, for what it's worth (read: the most ostentatious pillow talk ever). Congrats. But what if an awesome hunky dreamy movie star with an MFA from Columbia isn't enough reason to spend lots of money on a book people drew on?

Maybe 2009 National Book Award winner Colum McCann signing this bad boy is! YES THAT IS COLUM MCCANN SIGNING THE PALIN BOOK. This took a lot—a lot—of convincing. Charity, huh? But it's Sarah Palin's book! Sarah Palin! I can't put my name on anything of hers! Are you sure this is for charity? What charity?!

Funny you should ask, Mr. McCann. I've picked a charity so great, you can't even say their name out loud without feeling awful for never having done something for them until now: Save The Children. Yeah, you're gonna stiff these guys?

They've done great work bringing literacy programs to kids in need across the country, among other great things they've done for kids that otherwise don't get things done for them that should be. If I were running these programs, I would have them all reading Gawker Weekends and Calvin and Hobbes, because that's what I grew up on, but I'm not, and these people are, and we're all better off. You don't have to buy the book to give a buck. Oh, and if you complain about the charity I picked, I'll come to your house and personally beat you with an unsigned copy of Ms. Palin's 2010 NBA Fiction Winner. But yes, people actually signed this thing.

You want proof?

2009 NBA Fiction Prize winner Collum McCann (fourth page, center) really, actually did take this much convincing. He wrote: "'For we must love this poor earth, for we have not seen another...' Go Obama!" Awesome.

Ricky Van Veen and Neel Shah marvel at how incredibly awesome this book is, while Jessica Coen is laughing to herself imagining Sarah Palin read her fabulous, fierce nugget of wisdom.

Here's the guy who I thought was Toph Eggers, right. I got everyone's name wrong that night. At one point I think I remember identifying Keith Waldrop as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Jeff Bercovici signed the book as Dave Eggers, since Dave Eggers doesn't care about Saving The Children so much as making them read George Saunders or whatever.

Here're the first two pages:

And here're the second two:

And here's the full list of who we know we got:

2009 NBA Fiction Winner, Let The Great World Spin author Colum McCann.

Spider Man 2 actor and recent Columbia MFA graduate James Franco wrote (third page, top-right): "FUCK YEAH!" with a strange vampire-smiley face.

2008 NBA Fiction Finalist Salvatore Scibona (second page, middle-right) gave her "hugs."

2008 NBA Fiction Finalist Rachel Kushner (second page, bottom-left) offers her insight on context clues regarding snowmobiles.

I Was Told There Would Be Cake author by night and Random House book publicist by day Sloane Crosley offered her encouragement "storming the castle." True story: Sloane had no idea what she was signing.

The Seymore Hersh of the Sunday Styles, New York Times writer Allen Salkin took up the entire bottom-third of the fourth page ensuring that I wasn't conning him. He also drew a fairly accurate drawing of himself.

Dave Eggers! As performed/signed by former Portfolio and current Daily Finance media columnist Jeff Bercovici (fourth page, top-right).

Columnist Katie Bakes tried to start a #hashtag, while the New York Observer's publishing beat gangsta Leon Neyfakh wrote...something.

Vice and New York Press writer Jamie Peck (second-page, bottom-right, I think) talked to her about wolves. Someone who isn't Vice writer Jamie Peck, apparently, talked to her about wolves. Claim your identity here!

College Humor founder Ricky Van Veen gave Sarah a big CHILL, BABY, CHILL while Former Radar, Gawker, and Page Six writer Neel Shah got tactful.

The Awl writer Alex Balk.

Flavorwire's Kelsey Keith had more sage advice for Palin's future career aspirations.

Cartoonist Laurie Sandell drew a woman holding a smoking gun on the third page. Get it?

Gawker Past and Present: Media Overlord Nick Denton and current Gawker Editor-in-Chief Gabriel Snyder both thanked her for pageviews—heh—while founding Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers wished her luck, and Gawker J²-era/New York Magazine editor Jessica Coen gave her hair tips.

Oh, and me, lending to this the extent of my own profound, political insight.

We also got Gawker's Altarcations writer Phyllis Nefler. and some guy who looks like Dave Eggers brother, who turned out not to be Dave Eggers' brother after I thought he was Dave Eggers' brother. His name is Alec Friedman.

[Alas, because we were drunk, there may be signatures in here we missed. Seriously! If you see your John Hancock—heh: cock—please email me with it. It's for charity. You don't want children growing up to one day actually think that was funny, do you? Right. Neither do I.]

The book's sanctity has been preserved by only having been signed on the night of the 2009 National Book Awards, by attendees of the ceremony. That said, if you win it and want to have anybody else in the Gawker Media offices sign it, sure, fuckit, I'll get them to sign. Hell, we know people who are experts on books that are imaginary that are supposed to be real, and I bet we could get them to sign if that's what you wanted. Or I could eat the book, or I could drop-kick it, or I could detonate it with whatever fireworks you send us, or I could read it, but who's that awful? Not you, potential charity-giver. Anyway. You could do any of those things, or none of them, and just keep it as one of the most awesome literary collectibles ever. You know? You know.

Because one day, you can show this to your children's children, and tell them: I bought this so you could see how happy the people were before it was like this. Now that James Franco is the new Daniel Mendelsohn, and every book published is full of shit, and they all come from blogs, and they're the only things that sell, and they are read on calculators, there was this. There was this night. There were these drunk people signing Frau Palin's book.

And then you can blame it on this guy:

But seriously, it's for charity. Buy the goddamn book. Now. Please. Our auction is here.

[Photographs via Gawker Party Crash photog Mo Pitz.]

Last week there was much moralizing when it was revealed that the son of Equatorial Guinea's dictator was rolling around the US spending his country's oil wealth. But he may not even be the worst case of a dictator's offspring turning America into their personal playground.

People with knowledge of their movements say Saif and Hannibal have been in the U.S. this year. The State Department would not confirm or deny the reports and the Libyan Embassy did not return repeated calls for comment.

They're every bit as ridiculous as Teodoro Nguema Obiang, the heir to power in Equatorial Guinea, and have — if anything — greater freedom to spend their ill-gotten gains in the US. Let's start with Hannibal, pictured on a placard here in a protest against his imprisonment by Swiss authorities (more below):

He enjoys beating women (allegedly) and driving his Porsche the wrong way down the Champs-Elysees in Paris at 90mph. He has pulled a 9mm gun on police in that city and attacked Italian cops with a fire extinguisher. He wriggled out of charges in each instance using diplomatic immunity. Again, the State Department would not confirm or deny that, if Hannibal was here, he was travelling on a diplomatic passport. But it seems unlikely he'd leave it at home after he sparked an international incident in Switzerland in 2008.

His brother Saif, in the main picture, is known as the sophisticated one. He impressed the Council on Foreign Relations on a recent trip to New York, and hangs out with the Rotshchilds, according to this Daily Beast report on his efforts to free the Lockerbie bomber. He's also well-known for keeping two pet tigers. His charm offensive is not winning fans everywhere though - one journalist, who met him when he was promoting his own paintings in Canada, described him as "clearly a little shit" beneath his calm exterior.

Western relations with Libya have warmed in recent years. But it seems that tolerance is as blatant an oil-grab as the collective ignoring of Obiang's Bugatti Veyrons and Rodeo Drive spending sprees. Like Equatorial Guinean dictator Teodoro Nguema Obiang Mbasogo, Gaddafi is strongly rumoured to take a cut of each barrel of oil he sells to the West. Like Equatorial Guinea, Libya is rated as not a free country, and receives the lowest possible scores for Political Rights and Civil Liberties from watchdog Freedom House.

And as with Equatorial Guinea any efforts to enforce a presidential order and act of congress that bar corrupt foreign officials will probably be met with an awkward silence.

Let's just hope that Saadi, another of Gaddafi's eight children, doesn't decide to visit the US. He's a failed soccer player who took steroids, once had a crowd shot at for booing him and tried to make movies with his dad's money.

We're sorry that this country is so full of homophobic prudes that kissing a guy on stage and simulating oral sex will elicit more than 1,500 complaints and get you kicked off of GMA.

Lambert was scheduled to appear on the show tomorrow—a critical gig, since his album, For Your Entertainment, just came out—but that has been canceled. "Given his controversial American Music Awards performance, we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning," a spokesperson for the show told the NY Times Arts Beat blog.

This is all the gays fault. We did what we always do and we overestimate just how much we are accepted by society. It may seem like apples and oranges (or butches and femmes) but Adam Lambert is just like what happened in California with Prop 8. We thought there was no way that the good people of California could hate gays so much they would vote down gay marriage. Well, we were very wrong.

The same thing happened here. All of the gays were telling Adam, "Keep it real. Get all faggy. You owe it to us, and they'll love you for it." He responded with a performance that was so gay that he shot rainbows out of his eyes and turned Whitney Houston in a unicorn that he rode across the stage and threw Ryan Seacrest on the back of it and they made out for 17 minutes straight. Oops, too gay. Now we've ruined it for Adam and he's going to end up playing piano in a gay bar and dying bitter and alone just like Jobriath.

The worst part about this whole thing is that we have now negated all the progress Lambert made by being an openly gay pop star in the first place. Now when the next very talented flamboyant rocker comes along all his managers and agents (most of them gay) will say, "Oh, you have to stay in the closet. Look what happened when Adam Lambert sashayed on stage at the AMAs. America will hate you."

That said, this isn't the worst thing that could happen to Lambert. He's getting plenty of attention just as his album is coming out—negative or not. The people who were offended by his dry humping were never going to buy the album anyway, and this flap might just give him enough street cred to get some people clicking the download button iTunes. We hate to make the same mistake twice, but maybe getting all nelly was the right move.

Apparently Lambert has been offered a replacement gig on CBS' The Early Show (caution, Perez Hilton link ahoy). Adam if that doesn't work out, you are welcome to perform here at Gawker HQ, and we'll let you get as queer as you wanna be. You can even put pink pancakes on Nick Denton's head. The only thing gayer than that is—well, your performance at the AMAs.

[Images via Getty]

Contact him now. Before he becomes a star. [Pic via]

We know Sarah Palin isn't the biggest fan of Vogue, but we think she'd do really well guest-editing her own issue. So we've worked up a sample cover in the style of our Cover Lies feature (in which we expose how little relationship ladymags, like Sarah Palin, have to reality). While the real Vogue bows to the recession with its $300 "Steal" of the Month, Palin could show us how to get a $150,000 wardrobe for free — and how to pick a $700/night hotel, complete with robe and slippers. In lieu of book reviews, she could offer up a bunch of snide remarks about Katie Couric — "the perky one" probably can't read anyway. And for balance, Palin could add some media elite contributors, like Trig-birther Andrew Sullivan and Rebecca Johnson. (Johnson works for the fake America but the real Vogue, and says all Palin wanted to talk about in her much-maligned interview was "drilling for oil" — but what else is there, anyway?) In fact, right after a Jeffrey Steingarten piece on moose-meat, Going Vogue should include a free sample of premium Alaska crude. We hear it gets rid of both wrinkles and endangered wildlife.

Fact Check: Palin's Book Goes Rogue On Some Facts [AP, via Yahoo News]
Palin's Katie Couric Myths [Daily Beast]
Palin's Ego Trip [Daily Beast]

Today the La Times reported on Oscar-winning "Pulp Fiction" screenwriter Roger Avary, who is apparently tweeting his way through a year's incarceration for vehicular manslaughter. The main proof that Avary is behind the account: a tweet from sci-fi author Neil Gaiman which reads "My friend @AVARY is tweeting from the inside. It's riveting, horrible strange..." Avary's tweets are indeed all three of these things:

On prison food:

On past-times:

On other kinds of past-times:

Of course you are all familiar with Kari Farrell AKA "The Hipster Grifter", who here tweets about her efforts at becoming the next Eldridge Cleaver:

Kari's not the only tweeting inmate with a literary bent. There's also Prodigy, one half of the 90s hip hop duo Mobb Deep (Prodigy is currently serving 3 1/2 years for firearms offenses):

But don't think all locked up tweeters are common criminals. Some of them are trying to, like, save the trees, man. Like this Rainforest Action Network tweeter who updated after being arrested for illegally hanging a protest banner on a Niagra Falls bridge:

But watch out: Police know how to use Twitter, too!

Some of these hardened twiminals (?) are in prison not for violating state or federal laws, but because they are journalists doing a story, like NPR's Laura Sullivan. Journalists love prisons almost as much as they love Twitter:

And other twitmates (!?) are obviously fake. ("Phil Spector" was the most recent twimposter tweeting from the Twig Twouse.) But we can pretend!

Rapper Daddy Bawsten was positively tickled by his tweet-inducing arrest:

Finally,here is a twitcarcerated (!!!) man named Inv8r who you know really is in jail, since he includes a picture with his tweet:

Trending Topics: #freeinv8r

So, like, you might assume that interviewer Hank Plante would ask about this mysterious absense from all his official events, and his unannounced, Mark Sanford-style trip to Hawaii. But Newsom just wants to grin and laugh the soulless laugh of a cornered Scientologist, and talk about the budget deficit. It is a terrible, terrible interview, with the rictus smile and the mirthless laughter. And it ends with Newsom removing his mic and bitching, off the record, about how mean it is of journalists to ask what the hell is up with him.

And then the Wall Street Journal reported that Newsom was going to quit politics and go back to his winery. Newsom called the reporter to deny it, but there's no way in hell this guy's remaining in office until 2012.