Yes, last night was quite an emotional episode. And it was shaping up to be a "very special" episode of Glee, like when cousin Geri would come to visit on The Facts of Life, what with all the talk about handicapped people and gays and fake stutters . Being far superior to that '80s sitcom (sorry, Mrs. Garrett) our favorite singing dramedy about lovable losers didn't fall into the easy trap of sentimentality but instead went for some really genuine emotion. I'm still crying just thinking about it. Fucking Glee.

To really get into it, let look at what really got us to buy some stock in Kleenex: the music!

"Dancing With Myself": Yeah, yeah, we know this Billy Idol ditty is about jerking off, but on Glee it has a much more innocent meaning. For Artie, who finally got to do something other than wheel around aimlessly like a matchbox car in the back of a stationwagon, it's quite literal. He's always off by himself playing a guitar and not dancing with the rest of the Glee club. He's also not going to ride with them on the bus to sectionals because they can't afford the handcapable van that will get him and his wheelchair aboard. It's hard to be Artie, but he doesn't let it get him down. Such heart.

Also all alone is Quinn, even though she's carrying permanent company in her womb. First of all, Quinn looks much better now that he hair is out of that tight ponytail and she isn't wearing her Cheerios outfit every day. When out of uniform, it seems like she's growing a personality of her own as well. She was looser and more fun last night than she has been all season. Team Quinn! But it's hard to be her too. She's trying to keep her pregnancy secret and pay for all her doctor bills, and the only support she has is Finn, who isn't doing the job.

Speaking of which, Finn had a bout of lonliness himself last night. He's trying to play football and be in Glee and get a job to support his girlfriend that some other dude knocked up. Her constant nagging isn't helping either. But Puck is the stand-up guy Quinn needs, and he's so lonely pining after her that it takes him almost an hour to think up selling pot cupcakes to the school in order to pay for Quinn's ultrasound. A real juvenile deliquent like him should have been able to think that up in no time at all. You're slipping, Puck!

Rachel is back in lonely mode as well. Not only does Quinn have Finn asking "How high?" every time she tells him to get a job, but now Mr Schu is making her try out for her solos. Le gasp! She's worried that the auditon/election is going to turn into a popularity contest, but isn't any form of democracy really just that? She has no chance of winning, because everyone hates her, and you can't really blame them when she throws a hissy fit every time something doesn't go her way. You don't see Artie bitching and complaining because he's paralyzed, do you? If he can get through life without whining, then she can handle losing the solo in "Defying Gravity." God, Rachel. You're just like the new version of Melrose Place. We want you to like you, but you just make it so hard.

"Defying Gravity": Way to go Babygay Kurt and claim this song for the gays! Well, we've already taken it for our own. Just ask any queen who has stood on a cabaret table on Musical Mondays at New York gay bar Mecca, Splash, and thrown a handful of napkins in the air just as soon as Idina Menzel starts the first chorus. Amazing. Honestly, I enjoy this pared down version much more than the over-produced original from the musical Wicked.

Very obviously the song is about overcoming obstacles and using that journey as empowerment. That is just what Babygay Kurt does to get an audition for his favorite song. No wonder a young gay kid has a serious connection to this song, which is all about not accepting the limits others place on you to find the strength to be a powerful individual that wears Alexander McQueen to McKinley High. When Will won't let him try out to sing the song, BG Kurt goes to his dad, who takes his case to the principal. It's so sweet to see Pops go from an uptight greasemonkey to a PFLAG dad in the course of several episodes. All Babygay Kurt wants is a fair shake at trying to win the song, and once he has it, he works hard to make it happen.

Puck is looking for a fair shake too, but he wants to try out to win Quinn's icy heart now that she's carrying his baby. He comes up with moolah for her medical bills when stupid Finn can't. Even though he steals it from a bake sale that he made successful with drug-laced treats, his blond-headed object of affection is starting to see that he's a provider. Even more than giving her cash though, Puck seems to give Quinn the first real smiles we've seen all season, when they play Swedish Chef in the Home Ec room. Rather than giving her money, maybe really making her happy will be the thing that turns her heart around.

Even Finn is defying gravity by getting a job, even though he has to use Rachel and a little bit of lying about being paralyzed to get it. And why is Quinn even stressing about all this money stuff when she can get Terri to pay. Sure Terri, who is going to take the baby, said no to an expense account, but Quinn knows way too much about her and is way too shrewd to go about making boys pay for her lady vitamins when she can be conniving her way into the lap of luxury—or at least a few sets of free linens from Sheets-N-Things.

The biggest defyer of gravity is Artie who can not only defy gravity down there (and by that we mean his penis), but is also getting closer to Tina, the girl who has no last name but a stutter. Instead of letting his wheelchair push her away, he is trying to roll right into his heart. But once he gets there, she admits that her stutter was fake all along. We knew it! Either that, or her stutter was so bad that the writers made that up so that she would stop doing it. Seriously, her fake stutter was jacked. We can't believe anyone fell for that.

But she says that she came up with her ploy because she was so shy and she didn't want people paying attention to her and doing something that made her different would drive everyone away. But she has found the strength to be at center stage thanks to performing with Glee and she's dropping her ersatz impediment to be true to herself. We thought that Artie was being mean by reacting so harshly to her, but now we totally agree with him. When there are all these people, Babygay Kurt, Puck, Quinn, Finn, even Wicked Witch of the West Rachel, becoming strong by overcoming obstacles, she's been building one to try to hide behind. Sure, it's great she is growing as a person, but to someone like Artie (or BG Kurt or...) we could see how her fake stutter would be a s-s-serious no-no.

"Proud Mary": More than Tina Turner's defining anthem, this is a tune about the people one meets on a journey that make the trip worth taking and the burden a bit easier to bear.

The biggest enablers (and we mean that in a good way) were all the kids in the club, who got in their wheelchairs to roll a mile in Artie's shoes and to perfect their skills for this killer choreographed number. It's like jazz hands-icapped!

Babygay Kurt helped out around the house. When his father gets a homophobic phone call (we swear it was one of Rachel's fathers on the other end) BGK realizes that he may be strong enough to be out but his father isn't. He tells Pops that being a big ol' ball of gay glamor made him different, but his difference made him strong and will eventually get him out of crappy Lima for a job toiling away on Fashion Avenue. Well, that is when the tears started in earnest. We officially have a Pavlovian response to Kurt, and every time he sashays on screen, we get that tight, dry feeling in the back of our throat that signals another crying jag that we try to tamp down.

Tinyqueen Kurt (sorry, we had to mix it up) throws his audition so that his father doesn't have to take any extra heat from the people in town who don't want a boy singing a girl's song. We think that his father would have found a way to cope, that he would have found something redeeming in his own struggle to be accepted, but it's noble of Kurt to put his father before his own happiness. He's going to have plenty of time to be gay throwing napkins from atop a cabaret table at Splash on Musical Mondays.

Even though Artie is receiving so much good will from the team, he doesn't want to use the money selfishly to ride on the bus, but would rather install a ramp in the auditorium so that other kids can get themselves to center stage once he's gone. Jesus, why can't you just be a normal egotastic teenager, Artie. That wouldn't make us have to pull out one of the crumpled hankies from the bottom of our pockets to dab our eyes. What a jerk! Think of us!

But the nicest thing of all was that this was the first episode where everyone functioned as a unit rather than a bunch of subplots swimming along trying to impregnate a musical egg to give birth to this baby of a show. Before when someone would say "Oh, we have Glee, and we're all friends," we wouldn't buy it. But not anymore. And Will really is the one who made it happen. He finally did the right thing and got the kids to look past their selfishness to work hard to bring Artie along with them, and they all benefited. Except Rachael. She's still a bitch.

Jump Rope for Heart: Did you think we forgot about Sue Motherfucking Sylvester? Please!

She was a bit out of character last night, but she was still the best of the bunch. When she was nice to a little Down Syndrome girl and let her be on the Cheerios, we were seriously suspicious. Then, when she was drilling the girl and being mean to her in the gym, we knew that Sue was going to have some connection to handicapped people that was going to make her a real character and not the funniest one-dimensional sketch this side of Balky Bartokomous. It turns out that her sister has Down Syndrome, and Sue knows a thing or two about defying gravity for her family. OK, Glee, we'll make a deal. You can only go about making Sue MF Sylvester into a real person if she'll continue to be a raging bitch who says every inappropriate thing that comes into her little head. You already made her being a cunt to a retarded girl into an act of supreme love, don't you go doing that to everything. We cry enough as it is!

But really this jump rope sequence is like a great episode of Glee: everything piece working in synch to create something that is greater than the sum of its parts. Last night worked very well, mostly because it focused more on the kids and their relationships to each other rather than all the fake-baby-craziness, the Will-and-Emma-will-never-get-together antics, and all the other stupid adult bullshit that drives the show off the rails. It took the time to slow down the plot mechanics and really introduce us to these people. Also, the music sounded better than ever. Just when you thought you couldn't love something even more, it rides a unicorn back from several weeks away with a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a Snuggie to keep you full, warm, completely satisfied, and a little damp around the eyes.

He did a remarkable job of not saying much. At 8:15 the party had barely begun at the downtown hotspot, known for its strict velvet rope and the racy performances on its main stage, the gregarious Tank Jones and his brother Marvin (in the role as Levi's trainer) were some of the first people to arrive. They installed the one-time human campaign prop at a table in the corner of the balcony so that several PR people could start the parade of press. The rest of the venue was practically empty, but everyone was clustered around Levi.

As the Observer's John Koblin interviewed Playgirl's spokesman Daniel Nardicio about the future of the magazine, the Levi interviews started. Everyone made way for a camera crew from Entertainment Tonight, which has exclusive access to Levi for all the behind-the-scenes action for the photo shoot that is taking place right now (if everything goes according to schedule). We didn't get close enough to hear what they asked during their ten minutes with Levi.

As they clear out, there were more print interviews to do. Michael Musto came by to say hi, but he interviewed Levi at his hotel earlier. I asked Musto if he was a good interview. He said yes, but agrees that it's hard to get him to say much. Jo Piazza from CNN came in and taped a few second with the Johnston crew. Before she started her interveiew, Tank said he's not answering questions about Sarah Palin or about suing for custody of Tripp, Levi's son with Palin's daughter Bristol. Then he flirted with her a little bit as she squeezed in next to Levi to ask her questions. Most of the questions were the same all night: How is this different from Alaska? What is he going to show? Is he ready for the shoot? Does he know that he's a gay icon? Will he do more porn? What does the future hold?

Levi always answers with the fewest words possible. This may make him appear a bit dim, but it seems a smart move for a guy who's standing around a bunch of people paid to turn any utterance he makes into "news." With the reporters gone, he quietly joked with Tank and Marvin.

When Piazza was done, he joked a bit with Nardicio, teaching him how to tuck a dollop of chew under his lip. "Don't you throw up on this table!" Tank chided. A PR person came by and said there were more interviews to be done. "I know. This isn't my first rodeo," Levi said. Another reporter sat down, this one from People. They knew to send a pretty girl.

When she left, the PR man told Tank that Page Six boss Richard Johnson wanted an introduction. Tank responded, "We're not talking to them. No pictures, nothing." The PR man conveyed the message to Johnson. "He just wants to say hi," Mr. PR pleaded with Tank. But Tank had made up his mind: No Levi for Johnson. "That's fine," said the Page Six editor before heading back downstairs. After he left, Tank complained about a Page Six item accusing Levi having a small dick and thus afraid to do any full-frontal shots: "That's not true!"

There was a break in the action and a PR girl brought by the trophy Levi will receive later in the evening: an 11-inch dildo made of silver. Everyone at the table laughed nervously and made jokes about how Levi isn't going to accept a dildo. Levi returned his trophy to the nice lady and said, "I can't believe I just won a giant silver dildo." He and Tank conferred and decide there can't be any pictures taken of him holding it, so they plan to have Nardicio take the stage with him and hold the award.

Then the photographers arrived. In groups of two, they came by the corner, their flashbulbs blinding in the dark club. Levi knew to look directly into the camera and then occasionally look away to blink. He didn't look like he was having any fun. When all that was over, he passed some time ogling the scantily-clad go-go dancers down below. Tank said, "Those are all real women right? I don't want to look if they're not real women." Another laugh. Nardicio tells them that they're all real women. I pointed out that there were definitely some drag queens in the mix. "That's OK, I didn't want those ones anyway," Levi responded. He told me that he hadn't had any time to go out and party while in New York City. "It's been all work. I'm all about business," he says. "But I like New York more each time I come here." What does he think about this event? "It's different," is all he'll say.

As the show starts, Gawker alum Joshua David Stein showed up asking questions for New York magazine. It was getting loud, the house was full. Tank informed him they'd do an interview later. Levi leaned over the balcony to watching the award ceremony on stage and performances by the likes of boy/boy/girl aerialist trio Mantryx. When the intermission came, the crew decided to go outside for some air.

Out on the sidewalk, it is a whole different scene. Dressed in identical tuxedos like they all went shopping at the same men's store earlier that evening, they moved as a unit. Flanked by two enormous black men, Levi wasn't easy to approach. That didn't stop the reporters. Kelefa Sanneh from the New Yorker came up received a stern lecture from Tank about not asking about Palin or custody. Sanneh started his round of questioning but was cut off by the arrival of two 20-something guys who made up TMZ's camera crew. They'd been tailing Levi and his crew ever since they arrived in New York and seemed almost like old friends. Sanneh backed off, to avoid getting captured by their camera. TMZ doesn't care about restrictions and they began asking about custody and Palin. Tank demurred. "Come on, you know better than that."

While Tank was distracted by dealing with the TMZ mess, Jacob Bernstein from The Daily Beast snuck up and peppered Levi with questions and scribbled furiously in his notebook. A male-female duo from Hollywood Life sidled up and began asking their own questions and with a Flip camera. After the questions, the Hollywood Life crew each took their picture with Levi. With Levi alone again, Sanneh came back for a second attempt at an interview. This time, though, he talked more to Tank that Levi. It's easy to go that direction, since Tank is a gregarious quote machine while Levi answers everything with about three words.

Levi was scheduled to accept his award as soon as the ceremony restarted after the intermission. The PR girl shadowing him told him and Nardicio to go hang out at Nick Denton's table so they'd be right next to the stage. but there isn't any room at the Gawker Media overlord's table. Levi headed instead for socialite Tinsley Mortimer's table where photographers eagerly snapped the unlikely pairing. Joshua David Stein returned for his promised interview, but Levi said he needs clear it with Tank. Stein rebutted that Tank had already cleared it, but Levi — who either didn't remember, didn't care, or simply wanted to protect himself — turned him down again, this time a little more firmly. Marvin stepped in and said they'd talk to Tank and do the interview later.

Levi asked who he needs to thank in his speech which he obviously hasn't thought about until then. Nardicio told him to thank Fleshbot and The Box. Levi added that he should also say something about the upcoming issue of Playgirl and to tell people to buy it. He is all business.

When his award was announced he and Nardicio went on stage where Levi successfully avoided being photographed with a big silver dildo. His speech was exactly what he planned: He thanked Fleshbot and The Box and then told everyone to buy his issue of Playgirl.

After leaving the stage, he meets up with Tank and Marvin and they head out the door. He has to get up early to work out before his big shoot. Our colleague Irin over at Jezebel got her questions answered about the type of ladies Levi likes and JDS eventually got his interview, making poor Richard Johnson the only person denied the chance to exchange banalities with the man of the hour. Levi, like he said, was all about business, and last night his business was spectacle.

Top three photos by Hee Jin Kang, bottom by GuestofaGuest

The fasten seat belt sign chimed off and Nigella Lawson, though tired from her Stansted to Vegas direct, lept from her seat. Anticipation, Satyricon lust, anxiety, hope warred in the ample playground of her bosom. Her nipple twitched in anticipation like a runner at the starting blocks. "Will Padma recognize me?" she wondered, grabbing madly at her Blackberry, "Will I recognize her?" The two food porn actresses would be meeting for the first time since they shared a night of wild Sapphic passion at the Food and Wine Classic in Aspen last year. There, on a blanket of pine needles, Nigella had found herself in the circle of Padma's love. And though time and distance had cooled the warmth of that moment, Nigella hoped they could rekindle that spark and that in the hotter climes of Las Vegas, it could flame to contagion.

The whip-p0or-whill mourned the sun as it rose over the Top Chef complex. Inside, six chefs remained, a bunch of culinary Koreshians: Kevin the Redeemer, Eli the Pissant Devil, Jennifer the Dirty Angel, Mike the Mephistopheles, Bryan the CFO of The Afterlife and Robin The Insidious Echo. The chefs rose and entered into the intestines of the Venetian, a hotel that has recreated Italy but without the history, the Vespa fumes, the marble and the art. In a service kitchen, a phone rings. For the Quickfire, they must cook Padma breakfast. She's above them, in a bathrobe, glowing.

In a bathrobe, glowing, Padma wants breakfast. She has company, glowing and breakfast-wanting too. Things went well when Nigella cleared customs. Padma had had a rough week, nay, a rough year, but had buffed her skin to an Indian summer and had sugared her crotch to depilated perfection. Her landing strip was ready. Her breast too heaved with excitement and anticipation and also, since she had just taken a monster hit from Tom Colicchio's dragon bong, coughing. A speck of spittle, like a diamond froth, flecked her lips like in a Marilyn Minter photograph. As soon as Nigella and Padma beheld each other they held each other, one folding into the other like dough to dough. Later, they made love, watched The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 ("This is the most unrealistic movie I've ever seen," said Padma, "and not in a good way either.") and then went back to their twin beds and slept in their bathrobes. They were hungry for eggs.

Eli, fat baby, who doesn't eat breakfast because he's usually up so late at night playing Scrabble with his Mom at the home he shares with his parents, won. His recipe, a morning play on a Reuben sandwich, will be featured in a Top Chef cookbook. "Cool," he said, over and over. "That's cool, Eli," said Kevin and it was clear he did not think either Eli or his recipe were cool. "Cool,' said Eli, in response.

Doing a grave disservice to Las Vegas casinos, the contestants were then sent to be "inspired" by Las Vegas casinos. Eli attends the saddest Circus in the world, Circus Circus. A concession stand sold achos. Fake fare unfair games, manned by real carnies, preyed like leopards on the fat, the slow, the sick, the fannypacked hasbeen and neverwere calves suckling from the teat of capitalism and getting only thin sour milk. Eli correctly noted, "There's no circus at Circus Circus," and headed to a nearby brothel in Ely, NV, to pay $200 for a halfie. Robin went to the Bellagio and got her mind blown by the color there. "I'm an artist," she unhelpfully and incorrectly explains. Mike went to New York New York, home of fake September 11th and began to build a tenuous connection between firefighters and chicken wings. Bryan soberly assessed a shark tank somewhere. Jennifer gots to get completely hammered watching a wizard and wandered aimlessly across a never-ending pattern of carpet vines. Kevin fondled a dolphin. [Kevin: See The Cove and fondle dolphins no more.]

After their breakfasts, Padma felt gassy and Nigella felt jetlagged. Worse, the night of passion had left smoldering ashes. Worse still, it was by the light of their watch fire in the night, that each saw looming over the other the cast of characters and the accumulated responsibility that throttled their love. Padma worried that Nigella couldn't be the mother she wanted for her child. Nigella worried they could not make up for distance and the distance between their years. They knew their love was a fragile Chihuly flower, a suspended iridescent air bubble racing to the water's surface where it would burst to oblivion. Whether she saw its disappearance as freedom or as death was a secret neither Nigella nor Padma wanted the other to know.

Things were tense at the judge's table. Toby Young, like a child acting out during his parents' divorce, tried to break the ice by making some horrendous jokes. No one paid attention. NIgella tried to concentrate but it was all she could do to not break into tears. Her love was intact and at the same time irretrievable, like a memory beyond the grasp of recall or an insect in amber. For her part Padma, caught in a crossfire of emotion, sank into a slo-mo catatonia. The chefs stood in front of her close but far like in a tilt-shift photo, their words mere sounds and their food dead to a tongue once so passionately entangled. Toby Young, a tattler twat, prattled on, prawn-faced and shrimp-souled, a sad malignant skin tag on television, a twit melanoma given a platform, made even more profane by the love and beauty so close to him passing unheeded and uncaught like waves of a deeper frequency to which he will never be attuned.

It was either Sadcircusfatboy Eli, who tried to make soup from white chocolate and cashew nuts, or Cancertalkbot Robin, who made Nerf Panna Cotta, that would be going home. That much was clear. I had hoped it would be both. It was only Robin, who cried and didn't once bring up cancer. [She had cancer.] Her passing was less gleeful than I had hoped. It was more of an execution than a crime of passion. I won't miss her; no one will. She was no good. But neither is Eli and I am sure his parents miss him. Eli, you should go home. Your mother misses you.

The human soul is a stupid thing. Nigella and Padma held hands on the way to the airport. They weren't trying to recapture something they never had had anyway but merely grasp what was left. Hope trumps memory and the heart wisdom. Winsome and weeping, the two women, cocooned in the back seat of a Suburban packed with their baggage, cut through the Vegas traffic. They were deaf to the horns, deaf to reason, deaf to anything but each other. They were in an air bubble hurtling to the surface. Padma sighed and nestled into the nape of Nigella's neck. "We'll always have Vegas," she whispered. Nigella just laughed, looked out at the Strip where the neon lights, shining in the hot sun, futily glowed and awaited the night.

Thank you to Bruce and Mikey Byhoff and hero intern Yoni Lotan for the video.

The (enemy) WSJ's Katherine Rosman overheard this exchange:

And there was the inevitable shop talk: As Times executive editor Bill Keller slid into a row of seats, an acquaintance asked, "So, are you parent of the year now at Dalton?"-a question that presumably referenced a story that ran on the front page that day about an incident at the student newspaper at the Dalton School. "I'm not sure how they feel about me," he responded and then took his seat.

That, of course, was the story this week about Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy making Dalton's school newspaper run its copy by him before it published. How outraged must the Dalton mafiosi be that the lowly New York Times dared to publicize the secret inner workings of their school paper! Remember:

Editors at The Daltonian either would not comment for this article or did not respond to requests for an interview, although a staff member provided a draft of The Daltonian's article.

The high school editors of The Daltonian can hardly be expected to make time for the sleazy tabloid lurking of the New York Times! Kudos to Bill Keller for having the courage to stand up to the Dalton Mob, putting his own family at risk for the sake of journalistic ethics. Your fancy Manhattan Media daily topic of discussion, ladies and gents.

he allegedly brewed the distilled resins of pot fermented with 180-proof grain alcohol.
The concoction was supposed to be mixed with juice or soda.

"Liquid marijuana," shit. At $120 for a Pepsi bottle full! In my day we called that "drinking the bong water," and it was free.
[Pic of what this probably looked like, via]

The storyline led to much media frothing about Munley — who no one disputes was brave and took part in efforts to stop the shootings. The New York Times today however cites an unnamed eyewitness who:

...said Major Hasan wheeled on Sergeant Munley as she rounded the corner of a building and shot her, putting her on the ground. Then Major Hasan turned his back on her and started putting another magazine into his semiautomatic pistol.

It was at that moment that Senior Sgt. Mark Todd, a veteran police officer, rounded another corner of the building, found Major Hasan fumbling with his weapon and shot him.

Todd is pictured above, alongside Munley on Oprah last night. The Times raise the spectre of Private Jessica Lynch, describing how the official military line about her capture in Iraq in 2003 — that she emptied her weapon in a "Rambo-like performance" that led to her wounding and capture — differed with the truth. She was hurt in a vehicle accident and was well cared-for by Iraqis. Conspiracy theorists do your worst!

Larry King, the reigning champion of softball interviews, was apparently not soft enough for Ms. Prejean. King broaches the subject of the lawsuit Carrie settled with Miss California USA. (You know, the mediation where they screened her sex tape in front of her mom?) Then, Carrie complains that King is "being inappropriate," and after a full minute of wrangling, she removes her microphone and announces she is leaving—only to end up sitting there for another minute, grinning and playing the "I ca-a-an't he-e-ear y-o-o-ou" game until Larry cuts to commercial.

The ensuing commercial break was deeply suspenseful. Would Carrie be on set when we returned? I can only imagine what sort of harsh, frantically whispered words were spoken during these moments, because when the show returned, Carrie's microphone had miraculously been rewired and King apologized. (Apparently Prejean didn't want to take phone calls, and it was the caller, not Larry's questions, that so perturbed her?) A temporary rift in the time-space continuum healed and Larry King Live returned to being as heavy-hitting as a feather-stuffed cashmere pillow.

The article (which is incomprehensibly only the second most-read article on the Las Vegas Sun's website) focuses on the "safety" and "decency" concerns raised by locals re: the mobile sin platform, which was devised as an advertisement for Deja Vu Showgirls and is described thusly:

It's akin to a small U-Haul truck but with Plexiglas surrounding the brightly lit cargo area instead of walls. In the middle is a gleaming stripper pole. Swinging around the pole is a scantily clad young woman. Two of her fellow strippers are in the back of the truck too, awaiting their turns.

Puttering up and down Las Vegas Boulevard on Monday night, it was photographed by nearly everyone it pulled alongside, from CityCenter construction workers to an SUV-load of 20-somethings from Colorado.

Yes, that sounds pretty distracting. In fact, I would say if a driver making his way down the Strip was watching a DVD of Wall-E on a television screen that covered his entire windshield while simultaneously breaking up with his girlfriend via text message and solving a complex math problem on an abacus he would be only 76% as distracted as if he was watching the stripper-mobile wend its way through Sin City. Imagine seeing the Pope-mobile driving down the road, only the Pope was stripping in it. That's the level of distraction we're dealing with it.

Concerned citizens have been complaining to city officials about the stripper-mobile. But it turns out, unsurprisingly, that Las Vegas does not have any laws precluding women from stripping in a truck:

Nothing about the women or the truck is illegal, a Metro Police spokesman said. "As long as it's not impeding traffic, it's fine," Officer Jacinto Rivera explained.

Yes, everything is kosher so long as people continue driving their cars while they photograph the stripper-mobile, like in this CNN report:

And if the mere existence of the stripper-mobile does not prove to you that Las Vegas is a gloriously wasted blight upon America from which our eventual destruction will spring, consider the hilarious way councilwoman Chris Giunchigliani went about expressing her concerns about it:

I don't care about the content or that they're female dancers. I'm sick of the women, in fact - let's get some men up there for once. But this is just illegal.

Viva Las Vegas!

UPDATE: A blog calling itself the "Nevada Progressive" is defending the Stripper-mobile as an example of "free speech." Now the stripper-mobile has confirmed my preconceived notions of progressives, too!

(photo via Roadsidepictures' Flickr)

According to Dylan Stableford: "A rep for Fox says that Hannity will address the issue on his show tonight."

Seriously, what will he say? The video evidence is obvious, and Hannity is heard babbling about how it is "Thursday" over footage from a Saturday in September, thus making some sort of "we didn't intend to deceive we just used rally file footage" argument a nonstarter.

But, you know, this is Sean Hannity, who does not care about "the truth" or "honesty" or "not booking insane antisemites on the show and not mentioning that they are insane antisemites," so who cares what he will say.

It will probably just be something like "the Jews sneaked in that other footage and tricked me into airing it, because I, Sean Hannity, am an antisemite who hates the Jews."

This is the new MTV reality show about a group of guidos living in a beach house for the summer. It's like one of those crappy email forwards full of pictures of guys with bad designer clothes, prickly hair, and fake tans throwing gang symbols at the camera, but it's actually alive. This is such a genius idea that we can't believe it hasn't been done before. No, Growing up Gotti does not count. We have the promo for you, but we have to ease you into it. Here are all the things that are going to be great about this sociological experiment. December 3 can not come soon enough.

Hair: The coiffure of the guido in his native habitat is a thing of beauty. As distinctive as the fluke of a whale and as arresting as the plumage on a turkey's tail, it is an amazing sculpture of gel and ingenuity. This is not so much as vanity, but artistry. You should buy an HD television to watch it in all its majesty.

Muscles: A guido without muscles is like a paraplegic without a wheelchair—he just wouldn't be able to function. Also, they make him spectacular to behold. Especially when he is in contest with others of his species.

Tanning: Hipsters have the ashen death pallor that is cultivated through hours of cruising the city at night and afternoons spent lying in a filthy unmade bed contemplating the importance of Animal Collective. Guidos just lie in a magical bed for 10 minutes a week and—Bam!!—they are a wonderful golden brown color. The darker they are, the more dedicated they are to their craft. We like ours to be the color of wet infield clay, but really we can appreciate the full color spectrum of browns.

Sunglasses in Nightclubs: This is not behavior that is exclusive to our subject but it it one they excel at over all other cultures. It has something to do with the tackiness and size of the sunglasses in comparison with the substandard lighting systems of the nightspots that they frequent. Also, they can not put them on the top of their heads, in case they crush the gel sculpture that is resting there.

Mating Rituals: As much as we hate the idea of their species propagating, we can't get enough of the intricate dances where the males try to woo the females. The female's plumage to attract a mate is equal to, if not surpassing, the males. When the two get together, it's like rubbing French manicured nails over a nylon stuffed with honeydews. Also, they often lead to...

Fights!: We don't know whether it's macho posturing, roid rage, or something in the water in parts of New Jersey, but when it comes to sparring in public the only creature that does it better are the ones classified as Real Housewives. The muscles, hair, tans, sunglasses, and mating rituals all assemble to create these fights, which are greater than the sum of their parts. Much like Voltron, but with better hair and bigger sunglasses.

OK, you are now ready to watch the trailer. They should put this on The Discovery Channel, it's so beautiful.

In Touch
"Oh, Baby! 'We're Ready!'"
Here's what Margaret learned: Kendra is a die-hard Nancy Grace fan and is worried about people who hurt children. "I tell Hank, we're going to know every neighbor, every teacher, every priest, everybody around us. We will make sure to be surrounded by good people. Like Jaycee Dugard — how can you not know your neighbors have kids living in tents in the backyard?" Khloe went to breastfeeding classes with Kourtney. None of this is scintillating, but there it is. Also inside: Suri Cruise has found her "sole mate" — another little girl who wears heels! (See image 7). Lots of random stuff in the Aniston/Jolie/Pitt story: Jennifer Aniston has given her friends permission to talk about Angelina for Andrew Morton's book, because she wants the world to know what Angie is really like. While they were filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie would call Brad repeatedly. "Angelina wanted to plant a seed of doubt in Jen's mind that something was going on with her and Brad," says a friend. "Jen and Brad would fight about it, then Brad would seek comfort from Angelina." At the time, Brad and Jen were actively trying to have a baby. Brad's pal says the book will probably contain information about Angelina that would make it easier for Brad to leave her — with nobody thinking worse of him. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat anyone involved, says the book could open up communication between Brad and Jen and may lead to them reuniting. A story about Beyoncé's baby plans begins, "Beyoncé may soon be putting a diaper on it instead of a ring!" Does that even make sense? Lastly: Kate Hudson is "so desperate" to marry A-Rod, she even agreed to sign a pre-nup agreement to protect his $300 million fortune. A friend says she's already met with an attorney, intent on proving she's not after his cash.
Grade: F (rotting fish)

Ok!
"Angie's Adopting… Without Brad!"
Angelina is "preparing" to bring home a little girl from Syria, "a move that could result in an almighty showdown" in their "already strained relationship." Angie met the girl in October when she traveled to Syria with the UN Refugee Agency. Some more hyperbole: "Blinded by her desire to adopt again, Angie has failed to see the many glaring issues that are threatening her relationship with Brad." Just so you know, this adoption will be "a slap in Brad's face." Moving on: Matthew McConaughey's ladyfriend, Camilla Alves bought son Levi a baby bunny as a pet. (See image 8). Lastly: Secrets from the set of Glee! Madonna requested DVDs of the series for her kids, and is letting the show use her songs for an episode! Quinn and Rachel used to be roommates in real life!
Grade: F (rancid meat)

Life & Style
"Angelina's A Total Fake"
Apparently Angelina "manipulates and controls" every aspect of her life. Is that really a bad thing? Anyway: According to an "insider," Angelina has "mastered the ability to play the greatest role of her life — that of a doting mother and partner who'd do anything for humanity. But the truth is more complex." The mag claims Angie has "no sense of right and wrong" and convinced Brad that their relationship was fine when he was with Jennifer Aniston. "Angie created a world where he was free of accountability and responsibility for another person's feelings." Angie told Brad what was happening between them was bigger than they were and there was no way to deny it. She said they were destined to be together. Maybe she was right? Anywhoo, "Though the actress has stated that she wants the kids to be worldly, growing up in many places, some believe it may be harmful to deprive them or a stable home base." Also, Angelina and Brad are addicted to adopting, and Angelina is addicted to fame. More accusations and bullshit too tedious to print inside. Oh, and she "Says one thing, does another." (See image 9). She says she doesn't think about what she wears on the red carpet, but uses a stylist? That doesn't make her a hypocrite, that means someone else is thinking about what she wears on the red carpet. Gah. Moving on: An insider close to Jay-Z says: "Jay wanted to marry B and make babies with her from practically the day they met." When they were engaged, he called her "wifey" and "my baby's mama." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer went on a date! He took her to his manager's birthday party. An eyewitness says: "They were clearly a couple. They were acting very lovey-dovey… She was giggly all night." Finally, TLC's T-Boz has Swine Flu! Over the years, she's been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, had brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor, and now: H1N1. It took her two weeks to recover, but she says she won't get the vaccine next year, because whenever she gets a flu shot, she feels sick for about three days.
Grade: F (sour milk)

Us
"Angelina's Cruel Lies"
Ian Halperin's new book, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie , has lots of claims, like: Angelina spread nasty rumors about her romantic rival Jen Aniston; a tipster says Angie was recently taking crystal meth; and Angelina and Brad are just one year from splitting. According to one of Halperin's exes, who worked on Troy with Brad Pitt, but never saw Brad with Angie, "They've broken up so many times, it would make your head spin." A limo driver says: "She has a temper like a cobra." Halperin claims that in 1998, Angie was so distraught that she hired a hit man to kill her. LOL. Also, Brad met a Sudanese model named Amma at a Darfur event and they flirted, fueling fears of cheating. An employee and the Dorchester Hotel in London overheard Shiloh refer to a nanny as "mommy." And, Halperin says, "It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the two were broken up by Christmas 2010." On the other hand, Us reports that Angie and Brad are enjoying "a peaceful French life" : A recent visitor says Angie was in the kitchen doing dishes while the kids were running outside; she could watch from the window. The kids have free reign on the estate's 880 acre grounds; Pax and Maddox run around for hours pointing their fingers at each other like guns. Shiloh and Zahara bond with the ponies and donkeys on the estate and "revel in golf cart rides with Daddy." An insider says: "Every time the cart goes over a bump, Shiloh squeals with delight." Moving right along: We love 3 of the "25 Things" you don't know about Dolly Parton: "I have a treehouse where I write a lot of children's songs." And! "I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and true love. Don't even try to tell me different." And! "I get acrylic put on the inside of my nails as well as the outside. It makes them just like guitar picks." On another page, Kim Kardashian reveals, "I lost my virginity to an R. Kelly CD." Wait, you had sex with a disc? "We put up the music really loud," she clarifies. Lindsay Lohan was "trailing after" Kellan Lutz (Twilight, 902010) at a club and "when she wasn't following him, she was texting him." She talked to him for 5 minutes — but it ended there. He has a girlfriend.
Grade: D- (freezer burned ice cream)

Star
"Mind Games!"
An insider says Jen and Angelina despise each other, and take great pleasure in seeing each other squirm. "Neither has an ounce of empathy." After Thanksgiving, Brad is filming The Lost City Of Z in Brazil, and Jen is planning a vacation in Mexico, but will take a side trip to Brazil! "Jennifer sees her chance for a reunion far from the prying eyes of Hollywood," a source says. "And she knows that when Angelina finds out — and she certainly will — she'll be livid." Jen gets drunk and calls Chateau Mirval in the middle of the night — and she likes that she wakes up Angie. Every time she hears that Brad and Angie are having problems, Jen will call Brad and "act sweet." Then Brad unloads on her, telling her Angie's being moody and difficult, and Jen loves that. Angelina steals all the roles that Jen wants and laughs when Jen's movies bomb. Angelina knows which designers Jen likes and when her "spies" find out she's asked for something, Angie tries to get it first, and be photographed in it. Angie knew that Jen wanted to wear an Elie Saab dress to the Oscars, but Angie got it first, and poor Jen had to wear Valentino. : ( Angelina isn't crazy about Brad's scruffy look, but Jen recently texted Brad, telling him he looked handsome and distinguished in his goatee. Brad likes watching them fight over him, so he purposely leaves out his cell phone so that Angie can see Jen's called or texted. Moving on: A handwriting expert analyzed Twilight autographs, and now we know that Robert Pattinson is highly intelligent; Kristen Stewart is "more traditional and stiff" and Rob and Kristen "feel safe with each other." (See image 10.) Blind item! "Which former TV host shocked patrons at LA's Voyeur night club on October 29 when he debuted his new face? Sources say he recently got a hush-hush eyelift that made him unrecognizable." Since his kid was born, Colin Farrell's girlfriend put a swear jar in his house — every time he curses he has to put in $100. Tobey Macguire was running and heard a "pitiful meow" and saw a scared kitten stuck in a tree! He pulled her to safety with his Spider-Man grip. Rihanna told Diane Sawyer that she doesn't hate Chris Brown, but and insider says she "despises" Chris — so much that if someone mentions his name, she'll say. "Please don't talk about him." Lindsay Lohan went to Crown Bar, where she ran into her former live-in love, Courtenay Semel. She asked to be moved to a table away from Courtenay, then "flirted heavily" with Twilight's Kellan Lutz, to no avail, then ran from the club to "sob in an alley." Lindsay also partied super-late three nights in a row at Leonardo Di Caprio's house. "Wow! Jessica's Revenge" is about how Jess Simpson dropped 15 pounds in 30 days "and she's not done yet." First she lost 5 lbs. by doing a three-day cleanse; then she cut meat from her diet and eliminated her favorite fatty Mexican foods — and has barely touched alcohol. A doctor who does not treat Simpson says: "This is the old Jessica we all know and love." Yes, not the sad, burrito-loving one! The vengeful, fasting one! The whole time Bradley Cooper has been dating Renée Zellweger, he's also been hooking up with his ex, Isabella Brewster — the younger sister of Jordana Brewster. "He wanted to keep it hush-hush, so usually, they'd just grab takeout and stay in," says a source. "He'd call and tell her, 'Bring your hot self over here, and don't forget dinner.'" Lastly: A man who wrote a book titled Blown For Good — about escaping Scientology — says Tom Cruise audited him when the guy was 17. This was 20 years ago. The dude says: "Tom would talk to inanimate objects, like books, desks, bottles, even ashtrays — for hours. You tell the ashtray, sit in that chair. And then you actually go over and put the ashtray in the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle and the book. And you do this for hours and hours." Why? It's Scientology's "Book and Bottle Routine" that "rehabilitates" your ability to control things and be controlled. The guy says he was in a Scientology compound where he was forced to watch clips of Tom Cruise on talk shows. But then he snuck a small TV in and started watching late-night talk shows that made fun of Tom. "I'd see Conan O'Brien dissing Tom, and I was like wait a minute… They were all laughing their butts off about Tom Cruise being a crazy nutjob, but I thought he was awesome."
Grade: D (furry, moldy berries)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Earlier: All previous Midweek Madness posts

Please be advised that a demonstration, directed at FOX News and consisting of approximately 150 people, is expected in front of 1211 today (Wednesday, November 11) from 12:00 pm to 2:00 pm. The NYPD will be present to monitor the demonstration along with News Corporation security.

Although no disruptions are expected, you may wish to contact any visitors or appointments you are expecting this afternoon and suggest they allow additional time for processing. If you are booking car service this afternoon, request pick up on 48th Street.

We also encourage employees to use the alternate entrances at the back of the building and on the C-1 level if the main entrance becomes congested. As a reminder, it is always recommended that you NOT display your building ID card once outside of 1211. This is particularly important when arriving and departing the building during the demonstration.

If you have any questions or concerns, please contact Corporate Security Manager Lee Boody through the Security Operations Center at [redacted].

Karl Solterer
Vice President, Corporate Security
News Corporation

[Pic via]

That's them in the tiny pen in the middle.

"The dude is a very anti-birther friend who could not resist the opportunity."

No Room and an In
By Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Society Editor

Miami International Fashion Week is in full swing, so there are even more parties than usual. Last night Whitney Port and Roxy Carmichael Olin descended on The Florida Room in the Delano Hotel for a pre-party for a fashion show. The party was so excellent, no one quite knew which brand they were celebrating, and the band was so bad that no one quite knew who they were.

That didn't stop Roxy Carmichael Olin from dancing on the banquette like a low-class Paris Hilton and dragging Nick Soandso up there with her. As soon as they found out they both went to Harvard, it was a deep and animal lust that attracted them. As soon as Whitney took a minute out to powder her nose (wink wink) he asked Roxy to leave. Without a second thought of her friend, she was out the door in search of the next party. In fact, Roxy had been complaining ever since they got to Miami about being put on a budget by People's Revolution boss Kelly Cutrone. All she wanted to do was lie out and eat room service and party. Luckily her cohort Whitney has her head about her and didn't let this happen.

But that didn't stop Roxy from leaving Whintey all alone and defenseless in the club. A reporter tailed Roxy and Nick as they left. First it was more drinks at Mynt Lounge, but Roxy was way too antsy for the sedate crowd. Nick took her over to SET to dance the night away and after they bumped into well known man-about-town Pookie "Candyman" Collins, they were bumping all night long (wink wink take two). They caused quite a scene, especially when Roxy popped a bottle of Cristal and poured it all over her body like she was living in a rap video fantasy world. Nick got down on his knees and wrung out her champagne-drenched skirt and drank the nectar as some of it oozed down his neck. He then started kissing up her thigh, his head disappearing underneath the soggy seam of her drenched dress. Roxy let her head fall back as her eyes closed and her mouth opened. It looked like she was moaning, but the new remix of Shakira's "She Wolf" was so loud, no one could hear a thing. After pushing his head out from underneath her skirt she grabbed his arm and ran for the exit.

They gave me—I mean, a reporter—the slip but it sounds like they were headed back to Nick's to continue the party. No wonder poor Roxy was late to work the next day!

Bathing Beauties at Mara Hoffman
by Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Fashion Editor

Miami International Fashion Week isn't just about world-famous designers like Agatha Ruiz de la Prada, Munib Nawaz, and Amato Couture but it's really all about the fashion shows. Today it was time for the biggest bash of them all: The Mara Hoffman collection was presented at Soho Studios. Everything was glorious.

Show director Kelly Cutrone, the head boss at New York's trendy fashion PR firm People's Revolution said she had a hard time at the casting, but what do you expect from a pasty New Yorker who wears all black to the beach! After making fun of the model's faces and walks, she had a nice stable of hoofers to walk Hoffman's swimwear down the catwalk.

Before the show started, we saw Erin Kaplan and Olivia Palermo of Elle Magazine giving each other a chilly reception in the front row. After sauntering back to her seat from behind the stage, Kaplan peppered Palermo with questions: "Why aren't you taking notes? Are you going to the trade shows? Why don't you like me? God gave me brains, but why didn't he make me as pretty and rich as you? Is that fair?" Olivia just stared blankly at her shoes, moving her toes ever so slightly to watch the way the light reflected on her pedicure. It was as if she could just ignore the questions away.

It was then that we heard the sound of an argument coming from backstage, and it sounded like People's Revolution PR girls Roxy Carmichael Olin and Whitney Port (who just broke up with my boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer, full disclosure!).
"Where were you last night?" Whitney shouted.
"I thought you left," Roxy slurred back.
"No, I didn't leave, I said I'd be right back."
"But you didn't come back, so I didn't think you were coming back. Nick and I left. That place was boring."
"Yeah, it was real boring without you. And you're late. And why do you smell like stale champagne?"
That's when Kelly Cutrone walked by, slammed their heads together and just kept walking.

Her intervention must have worked, because the show went off without a hitch. There were lots of one-piece suits and futuristic cuts (as Olivia noted). Our favorite was a silver metallic, square bikini with a flowing printed caftan over it. There were lots of geometric prints, that would fit right in with the international stoner set that loves to litter Miami's beaches. The models did walk a little slow and didn't smile much. What is up with that?

One Elle of an Afterparty
by Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Fashion and Social Editor

With models in pink wigs and swimsuits lounging on boxes by the pool, Elle Magazine and Lycra's afterparty for Mara Hoffman's fashion show was the hit of Miami International fashion week. The W Hotel pool was transformed by the staff of the magazine and ace PR girl Erin Kaplan, who picked out the wigs herself. She said she was inspired by the time she and her girlfriends went as a pack of slutty flight attendants for Halloween and she saw the same raunchy joy in Hoffman's designs and wanted to channel that for the party's living decorations.

Loving the wigs was host Brooklyn Decker, who stole one off a model's head and was parading around with it half-cocked on her head for most of the evening. Kaplan was seen chatting with Elle's executive fashion editor Judi Sanders at the party, and it seems like she was carrying on about her favorite subject Olivia Palermo. She was bitching about how her socialite coworker didn't go to the crumby trade shows during fashion week (neither did I, because they sound too much like swap meets and that sounds like something that poor people would go to). She was also complaining that Olivia didn't take notes at the fashion show and how was she going to remember the very, very important and groundbreaking fashions they just witnessed without notes.

Olivia was off talking to designer Red Carter, who is not at all related to Red Buttons, but he does look a little bit like him. She then approached Saunders who told Palermo that bitch Erin Kaplan had been talking shit about her. No she said, and I quote, "That bitch Erin has been talking shit about you." Olivia didn't know what to do. She couldn't stare at her toes like she usually does, so she asked Saunders for advice. This is what the wise old editor had to say:

"Here's how it's going to go down. You're going to be in a meeting with Joe Z and he's going to ask about the trade shows. Say you didn't know anything about them. That's definitely going to piss Erin off and she's going to say she told you about them. Make it look like it's her fault that you didn't go. She'll hate that and take the offensive. Joe just wants everyone to get along because he's a pussy. Just agree with everything Joe says about being a team player and wanting to work with Erin while she sits there making her sour face. You don't even have to seem sincere. Being nice is Erin's kryptonite. It will render her silent. You'll look like the winner and she'll look like the mean lady who doesn't want to help out. This is the only way you can save yourself in Joe's eyes."

Olivia was nodding furiously, so we hope she took her advice. We'll know next time we check the masthead at Elle if it's missing an accessories editor! But then we just grabbed another glass of free champagne and did another lap of the party. Conspicuously absent were the People's Revolution crew. We heard that after a hard night of partying Whitney Port and Roxy Carmichael Olin ordered up $200 worth of room service! Who do they think is going to pay for that? When Kelly Cutrone gets that bill they're going to wish they ate Taco Bell instead.

Well, we're going to be paying for all the champagne we drank for about a week. But what a glorious time we had. Why can't every week be Miami International Fashion Week? We'll never know.

One might say the hotel's guests are really getting into the spirit of the place! The Standard did everything it could to encourage its reputation as a $400 a night orgy den. Let's look back at this nice NY Post story from September 2:

Even hotel staffers and managers get in on the act, workers said, stripping down and posing provocatively in front of the massive floor-to-ceiling windows to draw attention to the hotel, which straddles the city's new High Line Park.

"We don't discourage it. In actual fact, we encourage it," a friendly bellhop told a pair of reporters as they checked in yesterday at The Standard, where randy guests cavort with abandon to the dismay — or delight — of parkgoers below.

Fucking in front of the assembled crowds below was actually the basis of the hotel's marketing policy, in a very thinly veiled way. Well, now we can officially dub that a "miscalculation;" last weekend, a hotel guest decided to help himself to the cleaning lady. She came in his room; he started chatting her up, asked if she had a boyfriend, asked if she thought he was handsome, then went ahead and jumped on her. (He was unsuccessful).

Could have happened anywhere, of course. But it's probably a much smaller mental leap for a horny hotel guest to decide that the cleaning lady must be interested in a quick fuck if he's staying in a place that's already been all over the tabloids for running ads saying "We'll put up with your banging if you'll put up with ours." Orgies are included with the room rate, right?

Hard to believe that not one marketing person, at any point, said, "These ads are edgy and all, but it sure would suck for us if any sex crimes happened in this place. Ya know?" Anyhow, expect the Standard Hotel to come up with some new taglines soon. It is very convenient to transportation!
[Pic: Ed Yourdon]

The Associated Press reports that the funeral cost $1m in total and the family were also charged $1,975 for wardrobe, $2,000 for usher costumes, "$959 for embroidery; $11,716 for invitations and programs; $16,000 for flowers; $30,000 for cars and security; and $15,000 for a funeral designer."

I suppose it was naive to even hope that people would stop seeing Jackson as a kind of weird, frail piggy-bank after his death. Cursory investigations reveal that this woman designed the invitations to the ceremony - the ones that cost $11,716. She says the following on her website:

My experience in defining and executing the mood of your special day is my area of expertise. Because of my unique personalized service, you will have the experience you have always dreamed about. In short, I can connect with your desires & satisfy your budget at the same time.

She's definitely good at writing fancy, but define 'satisfy your budget'. I know nothing about the world of high-end calligraphy so I've emailed to ask whether this is a typical price for pieces of paper with nice handwriting on them.

On November 4th, conservative talkdude Sean Hannity said:

A new ABC drama seems to be taking aim at Obama-mania. That's right, you heard me right. The show is called V, and it focuses on a telegenic leader who arrives from outer space offering a message of hope and compromise and promising, you guessed it, universal health care. Sound familiar? Oh, and the media? They love this new leader.

(Our own Brian Moylan weighed in as well/)

Executive producer Scott Peters denied any allegorical bent to the series. But tonight's episode shows that, indeed, V is a thinly-disguised polemic against the Obama administration that may as well have been bankrolled by Fox News. Here are four clips that prove it:

In this scene, Chad Decker—a journalist who's in bed with the alien Visitors—reports on the U.S. deciding to granting the aliens visas; he then receives a call from the alien leader, Anna, thanking him for his help.
Talk about riding into anti-Obamaville on a horse made of allegories! Where to even start with this thing!? First of all: visas = immigration. The media is covering immigration in the show, just like they do in America. So, easy parallel: Media in the show = Media in real life. The aliens in this clip stand for Chinese people. Or maybe Russians. (But not Canadians or Mexicans, since they don't need visas to enter the U.S..)

And it's already been established that the alien leader Anna = Obama.

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Obama controls the media and is secretly Chinese or Russian.

In this scene, the aliens torture a human prisoner with a pile of snakes to try to get valuable information from him:
This one is a little trickier. Obviously, it's an allegorical commentary about torture: The aliens—who are, like, the most allegorical things ever—are torturing someone. But wait: Isn't Obama very vocally against torture in real life? Yes! So Obama is not represented by the aliens in this scene. Obama = the pile of snakes the aliens use to torture the human. (The human = America, because a lot of humans live in America.)

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Obama is a snake. Watch out, America!

In this scene, Erica Evans, an FBI agent, asks Father Jack, for help in finding her partner:

So obvious: Priest + FBI agent = Separation of Church and State!

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Separation of Church and State—which Obama strongly supports—is good up to a point, but sometimes they should be allowed to mix.

Here, the alien leader speaks to different countries in their languages the hopes of convincing them to welcome them (the aliens)
Extremely obvious parallel here: Obama speaks Spanish—just like the aliens. ("Si se puede," anyone?)

ALLEGORICAL ANTI-OBAMA POINT: Obama can speak Japanese as well as he can speak Spanish—he just chooses not to. (Suspicious.)

There you have it: Allegory solved.

Unspeakable perverts and frightening hippies will be disappointed to hear there was no spread-eagle shot of little Solveig crowning, but everything else is legit enough to turn horny teens off sex forever, if only because the phrase "birth livestream" is really starting to gross me out. Lynsee is strangely placid as the baby is emerging (apparently she got an epidural), but then the nurse plops a scrunchy-faced Solveig—covered in the chunky white goo-matter I am told is de rigeur for the miracle of life—onto her chest, and the presence of a multi-limbed being that was, until mere moments ago, thrashing around her vagina totally freaks her out. Anyway, here's the video. The excitement starts around 8:30.

And thus, with a grunt, a shriek, and an unceremonious plop, sticky little Solveig outdid every single oversharing ego-blogger on the planet in the first five seconds of her life. Congrats, Solveig, you are the Miracle Baby of Generation TMI. I'd say you'll never live this down, but Spencer Pratt skipped his vasectomy and Nadya Suleman's always a wildcard, so don't count your nanny cam endorsements, just yet.

UPDATE: I— oh my god— apparently witnessing the miracle of Solveig's birth answered none of my questions about how babies are made, because this post originally identified Solveig as a boy. But Solveig is a girl. All I can say is, as soon as this child learns how to type her name into a search engine, she's totally screwed. At least she's adorable?

Correction: Lynsee and Anders' last name is not Gannett. They've released this video, but not their last names. Sorry about that.

Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

The much-hyped threeway was really a bit of a let down on what otherwise was a rather good episode. Jenny continued on the path to being queen bitch, supreme bitch; Serena and Blair almost kissed and made up; Nate served as nothing more than a prop; and Jenny's little gay shadow Eric finally came into his own. We hate him for that.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Even as a blur, she still looks ravishing: +3
Total: +3
Season to Date: 42
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Purple!: -1, Purple bathrobe: -2, Black tux and red bowtie makes him look like he's wearing one of those T-shirts with a tuxedo printed on it: -2
Personality Flaw: Likes to be punished: +2 (cause we're into that)
Sexual Intrigue: His "lost weekend" with Nate is going to involve some gay ass shit: +1 (cause we're into that), Are we supposed to believe that Chuck and Nate "shared" a stripper? They totally shared each other: +2 (cause we're still into that)
Social Schemes: Orchestrates the Blair and Serena Reunion Special: +2, Cares enough to give them scotch and cookies when trapped in the elevator: +1, Tries to get them to make out: +1
Total: 4
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Fashion Points: Jenny gives her headband a fashion neg: -1, Her midsection is being attacked by a giant, glittery, red, leech in the shape of a bow: -2
Power Play: Doesn't want to be compared to Lance Armstrong: +1, Is still messing with Cotillion: -1, Stupid Jenny disses her: -2, Reunites with Serena, and it feels so good: +2
Quip: "This is not your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Tells Serena that Trip is bad news, and she's right: +2
Social Schemes: Can create a queen with a dose of expensive mascara, will power, and an icy stare: +2, Steals Jenny's date: +2, Jenny foils her plan to humiliate her: -1, Turns it into a victory by admiring Jenny's maneuvers and making it known she always backed her: +3
Total: 6
Season to Date: 16
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: That black off the shoulder number is quite fetching: +3, Until we see how short it is: -1, Shockingly wears an appropriate outfit to work: +1
Personality Flaw: Has major daddy issues: -2
Power Play: Tells Blair that Cotillion is the only place she still matters. Burn!: +2, Reunited with Blair and it feels so good: +2, Quits two jobs in two weeks: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Trip wants to bang her and he is as hot as a bakery on the sun: +2, He must be a really crappy Congressman if he hires Serena to work for him: -1, She is totally going to fuck Trip and then his crazy wife is going to come for her: (preemptive) -2
Total: 3
Season to Date: 3
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Never dance again!: -2, V-neck fashion neg: -1, Looking bustier than ever: +1
Personality Flaw: Thinks keg stands are acceptable behavior: -1
Power Play: Is single-handedly keeping a big-budget movie franchise sequel from happening: +3, Nerds hate him. If he were a big-budget movie franchise, he'd be toast: -1, Misses his sister's debut: -1, But it's to have a threeway: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Is telling people he had sex with Georgina. Ew: -1, Barely fights for his girlfriend when she's going to go off to be a movie star: -1, Let's Vanessa continue to constantly cock block him: -1, Until she is there for a threeway: +1, Threeway: +5, Vanessa is involved: -2, He just did it with his best friend. Awkward: -1
Total: 0
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Bonus: Against our better judgment, we like Olivia: +1
Personality Flaw: She can't study because she is stupid and they don't teach you anything in those joke schools kid stars go to on set: -2
Power Play: Won't be in Endless Knights 4: +2 (cause all good things must come to an end), Nerds love her. For a movie actress, that means huge opening weekend: +3, Holds a big-budget movie franchise hostage: +1, Has to do movie against her will: -1, The director kills the movie, not her: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway: +5, Vanessa was involved: -2
Total: 5
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Fashion Points: Manbangs are gone again and his hair looks like rusty Brillo pad that has been stuck to the soap dish for two months: -2
Personality Flaw: He seems depressed. Maybe he should see a professional: (no points, just a warning)
Power Play: Let's Chuck order him around like Blair does her minions: -1, Teen girls love him. If he were a big-budget movie franchise, that would be huge: +3, Still "epic": +1, But, really, it's Cotillion: -1
Sexual Intrigue: He and Chuck totally got gay on their "lost weekend": +2, Nate's biggest fantasy has been fulfilled!: +2, But he still feels the need to use some stripper as a beard: -1
Total: 3
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
Sexual Intrigue: Is married to the horniest pre-menopausal woman in the world: +3
Social Schemes: Still doesn't understand how society works: -1
WTF: Gave his daughter the middle name "Tallulah." He was never famous enough for that: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Lady dreads!: -2
Personality Flaw: Knows all the gossip on the Endless Knights movies: -1
Power Play: Professional third wheel: -2, It leads to a threeway: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway: +5, She is involved: -2, Sleeping with your best friend is really stupid: -2, Where was your video camera for the celebrity sex tape? You could have made millions!: -1
Total: -2
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Her Cotillion dress is actually really nice: +3, Tiny gloves: -1
Power Play: She's no one at Cotillion: -2, Can't dance: -2, A really hot, rich, gay dude wants to be her Cotillion escort: +3, He's gay: -1, She was so condescending to Eric when leaving Cotillion. It was awesome: +2
Quip: "You're over. And so is that headband": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Losing her virginity to Nate finally paid off: +2
Social Schemes: Can not stop the Gay Shadow Rebellion of 2009: -1, Disses Blair as her Cotillion mentor: +3 (for balls!), Embarrassed on stage by Blair and Eric: -1, Gets to walk a second time: +3, With Nate: +2, Impresses Blair with her scheming skills: +2, Try as she might, there is no way that Eric and some short, plain girl can dethrone her: +3
WTF: Oh, Jenny. You'll always be a Brooklyn nobody: -2
Total: 13
Season to Date: -31
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Fashion Points: The jewels!: +2
Power Play: Running Cotillion makes her Queen Mean Girl For Life: +3, Gets a "Brooklyn girl" invited to Cotillion: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Your ex-boyfriend's coming back and you're gonna be in trouble, hey na, hey na, your ex-boyfriend's back: -2
WTF: She sees less of her kids than Jon Gosselin: -1
Total: 5
Season to Date: -32
Power Position: Up

Eric:
Personality Flaw: Knows he's a better person than Jenny: +2
Power Play: Finally came out of the gay shadows: +1, Gets hooked up with some short, plain girl: -1, Blair teams up with him: +4, Thinks he can dethrone Jenny: -2, His only ally now is some short, plain girl: -3
Sexual Intrigue: He totally did it at camp with the guy Jenny wants to take to Cotillion: +2, He's cute and rich: +1 (bonus), Gets dumped: -3
Social Schemes: He fucks with Jenny's date: +1, It's to "save her": -2, His plan gets foiled by some short, plain girl: -1, Effectively steals Jenny's date: +3, She beats him at his own game: -5
WTF: For years of living in the shadows: -30
Total: -33
Season to Date: -33
Power Position: Down