• So, what does Lindsay Lohan have to say about her disastrous Ungaro show in Paris? She just didn't have time to make a collection that didn't totally suck. And those pasties? She didn't even know about them! "I wasn't aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out..." Don't worry, though, because the actress says she's "still learning," which gives us an iota of hope her next effort won't fall so flat. [People]
  
  
• A crazed "in love" fan waited in line five hours so that he could punch singer Leona Lewis at a book signing. She cried a bit, but has made a full recovery. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Neither side will admit it, but Fox Business and MSNBC are both working double time to make sure their respective morning hosts — rivals Don Imus and Joe Scarborough — beat one another at the ratings game. Scarborough's winning, but newcomer Imus could still come up from behind. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something none of us could have ever predicted. Britney Spears, who once lost custody of her two tots, has been named "best celebrity mom" in a completely scientific poll put out by a Christmas savings company, the most important source on Earth. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hillary Swank will stop at nothing to have children — someday. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• We're really sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but we're sure you've predicted it, so here it goes: Jon Gosselin vowed to continue a career in television. [NYDN]
  
  
• All wait staff should be on high alert: Miley Cyrus does not tip well. You've been warned. [Splash News]
  
  
• A former bodyguard claimed Howard K. Stern helped Anna Nicole Smith shoot valium. Because, at that point, why not? [NYDN]
  
  
• The late Stephen Gately's Boyzone bandmates will sleep in the chapel with his body the night before his funeral because he wasn't fond of being alone. [Mirror]
  
  
• Eminem must be quite the diva: he refused to work with Madonna. Chump. [NYDN]
  
  
• Because domestic life no longer appeals to viewers, the fifth season of Tori Spelling and family's reality show will be a cross-country trip. Next season? Ultimate fighting. [ET]
  
  
• Rather than simply pleading insanity, one of the men accused of extorting John Travolta after the actor's son's death claims that Travolta's lawyer offered him the $15 million as "hush money." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein will appear at Baruch Barnard College today to discuss the trials and tribulations of Iranian... hair. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's officially official: Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Jason Whibley. Now perhaps we'll never have to hear those names again. [AP]
  
  
• Joe Francis recently boasted that if he saw rival Brody Jenner, Jenner was "dead." Then he ran into Brody and his friends and did nothing. What a cock. And a tease. [Page Six]

• Oh, it's on: Tilda Swinton has joined a fight against Donald Trump's latest golf course, which would be built on the Scottish coast and would displace residents. Trump's people responded by calling Swinton and other protesters "extremists." We imagine Swinton can get a bit more extreme than a petition. She looks sweet, but we see some crazy in those eyes. [AP]
  
  
• The ever-fecund Heidi Klum gave birth to her and husband Seal's fourth child, a girl named Lou. Klum's probably too exhausted to speak, so Seal released a statement wondering — and explaining — how he found even more love in his heart for the new tot. We could try to be cynical about this, but good golly, Seal and Klum just too darn adorable. [People]
  
  
• Carrie Underwood will host a two-hour holiday special that will feature Dolly Parton and David Cook. Because, you know, all the other recent variety shows have done so well. [Reuters]
  
  
• Remember when Tyra Banks told us all to kiss her fat ass and stop discussing her weight because she loved herself and all that? Well, now she's dropped four dress sizes. Body confidence must be out this season. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In other weight-related "news:" Star magazine had an expert say that Tori Spelling's only 95 pounds, so Spelling tweeted that she's 107 pounds and the tabloid can weigh her if they want. The aforementioned expert, meanwhile, says that 5'5" Tori's still 13 pounds shy of "remotely healthy." These weight wars sure can be ugly, huh? [Star]
  
  
• Madonna's former trainer, Tracy Anderson, will have to defend herself against a $1 million lawsuit filed by an ex-boyfriend who swears she used her feminine wiles to put a curse on him and make him spend his money on her business. He also claims she made up big, fat whopping lies, like that she had been in Cats and was a Power Ranger, all easily verifiable facts. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul Anka will receive 50% of the publishing rights from Michael Jackson's new track, "This is It," because he helped write it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Joe Francis participated in last weekend's gay rights march in DC not because he wants to get good press, but because knows the pain of being dogged by the religious right and can therefore empathize with the same-sex crew. Um, really? [Page Six]
  
  
• Some say gay writer Gore Vidal's an anti-Semite, which explains why people such as former NYC mayor Ed Koch are furious he'll speak at the famously Jewish 92nd Street Y next week. Koch, who some say remains closeted, remarked, "Those who invited him are, as Jews, either most forgiving, or schmucks. The latter word is intended to cover masochists." [Page Six]
  
  
• Are you an Elvis fan with cash to burn? Well, you can bid on a lock of the singer's hair at an auction. It's expected to sell for at least $8,000. [Reuters]
  
  
• Can you believe it? A Los Angeles doorman didn't recognize Whitney Port and she had to wait in line for a half-hour until someone set him straight. Oh, the indignity! [Page Six]

• The entire Kardashian family—who we've somehow let become famous for having a sister with a big ass—is making a shitload of money. Read this sentence: "Kim split with her boyfriend of two years, Reggie Bush, in July. Kourtney announced she's pregnant with on-off boyfriend Scott Disick's baby in August. And last week, Khloe announced she'll marry LA Lakers forward Lamar Odom after a whirlwind romance of just a month." And Page Six explains how this is somehow a hugely moneymaking enterprise. If you thought the banking crisis was bad, the fact that the Kardashian sisters somehow made a cool mil out of those events speaks volumes about where money's going these days: into the liposucked asses and cheeks of the Kardashian family. Oh, also, this: "'She's negotiating a magazine deal for Khloe's wedding, around $250,000, another deal for Kourtney's baby, and there will probably be yet another deal when Kim eventually gets back together with Reggie,' our insider said." Wow. Just...wow. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Douglas is trying to keep his kids busy while filming Wall Street 2 and while Catherine Zeta-Jones is in rehearsals on Broadway: Page Six spotted him inquiring about children's classes at the JCC. Anything to keep them away from coke-connoisseur Scarface director Oliver Stone and Shia LaBeouf, a psychotic director and the kid who ruined the Indiana Jones franchise. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sometimes, in the world of reality television, people make good decisions: like deciding not to be a part of it. For example: Tori Spelling and whathisname, Dean McDermott, they have that show, right? Well, the producers called McDermott's ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace—a Canadian TV chef. They have those??—up to sign on to the show and create as much controversy as she could. She declined, probably because she knows how much reality TV and the people in it absolutely suck. And maybe she should have! McDermott sleazily left her for Spelling in one of those shitty somebody-wins, somebody-unfairly-loses divorces. Instead she told the producers to fuck off, and also, if her son—over whom she shares custody with McDermott—ever appeared on the show again (censored face or not), she was gonna have to cut a bitch. You go, Mama Bear! Also, she's writing a book called Divorce Sucks. True, but people suck even more than the awful processes they create. [NYDN]
  
  
• Same item: LeBron James goes to a Marquee party three hours late, is a dick to the patrons who came to the clurrb to see him. Heads straight for the VIP, doesn't talk to anyone, gets pissy when he doesn't get what he wants. To the people who fought tooth and nail to go to this thing: what'd you expect? You're stalker-y fans going to a club to see a basketball player be famous. You got what you paid for. Team LeBron. [NYDN]
  
  
• Florida Gov. Charlie Crist made Page Six, huh? He was at some fundraiser at New York Jets owner Woody Johnson's place when someone asked him whether he was for Florida or New York in this week's game. Page Six says he turned beet red. I wish he just turned into a beet. [Page Six]
  
  
• Louis Farrakhan stayed at Russell Simmons' place recently, while Farrakhan introduced "Libyan brute" Moammar Khadafy outside the UN. Apparently, Minister Farrakhan has 75 security guards? Thought having that much security about Farrakhan was soooo 1994, but whatever. It's New York. People love a good posse. [Page Six]
  
  
• And VICE makes Page Six this morning, too. Their director of video and new media, as well as their communications director, have been taken from the realm of politics. VICE is gettin' serious. Alex Detrick, TALKY DOUCHEBAG, or whatever title VICE is going to give him, comes from Andrew Cuomo's office, where he was the press secretary. Kate Albright-Hanna, who worked on President Obama's team as their video person, is going to be VICE's VIDEO HOT NEKKID CHICK, or whatever title they're going to give her. Their spokesperson tells Page Six: "We didn't go to J-school, we don't care about market research or handsome anchors, and we are making up our own rules as we go along. That's probably why all these squares want to work for us now." Comment needed? Fine: yes, this makes me like VICE more. The placement of the item, the hiring, the quote, everything. Good on them. [Page Six]
  
  
• Melrose Place hottie and sister of Elizabeth, Andrew Shue, is getting married! To Amy Robach, who Page Six makes some interesting notes about: "the hottest female on TV" and "agreed to marry (Andrew Shue)" amongst them. Playing up the inaccessibility factor, much? Jesus. Someone lost a bet to a publicist. [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love was charmed by Hugo Chavez. Then again, Courtney Love could also be charmed by a lampshade. [NYDN]
  
  
• Aw. The guy with the fro from Season One of American Idol who lost to Kelly Clarkson is getting married to some girl he's known since high school. That's sweet. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bruce Willis informs readers that he has no plans to start "breeding" again. Good. [US]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly got married, too! Her wed mans is now Simran Singh. His qualifications? ""What's important is that they realize there are other ways of taking care of me that have [nothing] to do with money. Like cooking me dinner or going to the grocery store or picking up after yourself." This is likable. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kelly Rutherford now has a restraining order from her estranged husband. That's sad. On, like, five different levels. [US]

• Lily Allen took to Twitter account to unleash a fury of hate on Susan Boyle saying, "Susan Boyle is so overrated...Listen, I'm allowed to have an opinion. I thought her timing was off. No control, and I don't think she has an amazing voice. Yes, she can sing, but it's not about talent with her is it?" [DListed]
  
  
• Jon and Kate are facing the "dark side of reality" because all of their squabbling on television may lead viewers to turn against them and then their show would be cancelled and then they'd be miserable AND broke, and who wants that?! [Daily News]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon showed up late to a book party for Hollywood lip monster Lisa Rinna, slammed a martini, and then proceeded to flirt with every dude in the room. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl got dropped from some shitty romantic comedy because she was demanding a ridiculous salary and a personal ass-wiper in her trailer or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tori Spelling went to the beach over the Memorial Day holiday and frightened the hell out of everyone with her freakish, destroyed by plastic surgery Frankenstein body. [DListed]
  
  
• Rapper T.I., obviously thinking that he could do whatever he liked, showed up late when he was supposed to report to prison to begin a jail sentence.[Daily News]
  
  
• Mariah Carey has fired her poor hair dresser because he just couldn't figure out how to make her horrible wigs and weaves look like real human hair or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton showed up at some club in London and turned down a free bottle of champagne because "we only do shots." Yeah. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima is pregnant for her husband, some shitty basketball player for the Memphis Grizzlies. [UK Sun]
  
  
• James Brown's family is about to kill each other over control of his estate. [EOnline]

Ok!
"Real Sizes Revealed."
Guess what? Most stars are thin! Between a size 0 and size 4. The highest dress size number on this spread is a 6/8: Mariah Carey. Brooke Shields wears a jean size 29. Really hard-hitting stuff. Moving on: Jessica Biel is threatening to break up with Justin Timberlake; she was overheard saying on a phone, "I'm sick and tired of his bullshit." Although she could have been talking about her agent, or a dog. Anyway, Justin "craves guy time" and is "constantly flirting." There are two pages on Bethenny from Real Housewives, who wears a bikini and talks about her diet book. Lastly, Tim Gunn is photographed with his pants down (Fig 1). It's sort of adorable, and due to his avuncular demeanor, it's also sort of weird. He says: "I haven't been on a date in 26 years." Awww. But then he says: "It might sound selfish, but I am very happy being alone."
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for Tim Gunn (broken locks)

Life & Style
"Thin By Summer!" Margaret skipped this story but did see pictures of chicken on a plate and a person working out, so she deduces that much like ALL OTHER diet stories, this one advocates eating healthy and exercising. Moving on: "Lindsay's Back To Boys," since she hooked up with some dude named Chris Jepson at a house party in L.A. He works as a manager at Bungalow 8 in London. At the party in Hollywood, the two "disappeared into the bathroom" for 45 minutes. People were knocking on the door! LL reportedly told Mel B. that she's "back on men." The mag asks, "was she ever really into girls in the first place?" A psychologist who does not treat her explains that bisexuality means you can sometimes like dudes and sometimes like chicks. Jennifer Aniston is "holed up in her hotel" in NY because she's afraid of running into Angelina Jolie on the street or in restaurants. The mag copy reads: "Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt in her wounds." Also in the article: "The bottom line is, she's pretty lonely." A four page story addresses the burning question: "Is Robert [Pattinson] The Sexiest Man On Earth?" There are diagrams, quotes and arrows pointing to the sparkly vampire's "soulful eyes." 90210 star Kellan Lutz says: "Rob is Edward. He's so complicated, so poetic, so sensual." What else? In a two page interview with Real Housewives Jill Zarin about her breast-reduction surgery, she says "I wanted to go public with my story to show women that there is no shame in wanting to look and feel your best, as long as it's done safely." Bless you! This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Hands In Hollywood?" Rosario Dawson, 29, has "flawless, young-looking" hands. Dr. Rey says, "She probably uses a good skin cream, like Dr. Rey's Well-In-Hand." And, in a horrifying display of Frankenstein-like Photoshop, Sarah Jessica Parker is given Reese Witherspoon's hands (Fig 2).
Grade: D- (missing knob)

Star
"Rehab For Tori!" Candy Spelling says she'd be willing to pay for Tori to get treatment for anorexia. Tori has said that she is not anorexic, but that, like many busy moms, she tends to just pick food off the plate of her kid. The mag adds up the value of bits and scraps of food and comes up with 130 calories. A nutritionist who does not treat her says "If Tori is only eating 130 calories, then she is definitely not consuming enough." Really? Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are "drifting apart." Jess wants to get hitched and start a family; Justin likes things the way they are. Someone overheard Alicia Silverstone talking to Amy Heckerling and so there might be a sequel to Clueless. Blind item: "Which TV starlet is really on the rebound? She's got a new body, a new gig and even a new guy. The only problem is, he's married. She makes a show of partying solo as a distraction." Moving on: John Mayer is dating a model, Scheana Marie Jancan. There are six pages of "Stars Without Makeup" and bitchy blurbs like this: "When Miley goes out minus her red carpet war paint, she looks just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teenage girl." Britney and Kevin had a "talk" about having more babies together. Her idea. She's "seriously considering" their future together. She wants to have more kids before she gets too old so she can "relate" to them. In Brad and Angelina news, when he came back from France, he brought home an antique rocking chair and a Cartier ring for Angie: "Pre-push presents." Rihanna's best friend Melissa never liked Chris Brown and was the one who urged RiRi to stay away. But! She also urged Rihanna not to appear on Oprah and talk about domestic violence. Lastly: Star uses its art department muscle and creates a photo composite of what Susah Boyle would look like if she had a makeover [Fig 3].
Grade: D (rusted, squeaky hinges)

Us
"We're Having Baby No. 4"
Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting! Do they want a girl? "We would be happy with either, but it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl. Especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister." Also, Heidi says of Seal: "I knew right away he was my dream husband." There are six pages of awesome quotes and pictures and info about how the kids wear hand-me-downs. Next: "Would You Let Chris Brown Hold Your Baby?" Well, 67% of readers said No [Fig. 4]. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to Coachella and were spotted hugging and singing along to the music, yawn. Lastly, you may not know this, but Beyoncé, Amy Winehouse and Juliette Lewis consider Urkel fashion inspiration [Fig 5].
Grade: D+ (high threshold)

In Touch
"Brad Moves Out." This cover is not to be confused with last August's "Brad Storms Out" or May 2008's "Brad Walks Away." [Fig. 6] This particular story is vague about what Angelina and Brad were fighting about, and the fact that he left the house and went to France to check on renovations — and then came back — proves nothing. Also inside: In a picture of Mariah Carey looking curvy, a trainer who does not work with her estimates that she weighs 175 lbs. An insider says "She is going crazy trying to slim down. She looks at old pictures and compares her weight and talks about her body nonstop." Sounds healthy! Also, Oprah's straight hair is making her look thinner. Another fake wedding for Heidi and Spencer? It's supposed to happen this weekend in Pasadena. A source says, "It's just a plot line, they're not really getting married." It's happening in a church that's also a "closed set" and The Hills cast will attend. The producers want Lauren to "do something dramatic." A "pal" says of Speidi, "They would have a fake baby if people would watch them on TV." Did you know that Gavin Rossdale had a relationship with a dude in the past? The gentleman in question is a rocker known as Marilyn [Fig. 7]. Marilyn says of Gavin: "He was the love of my life. We were together 5 years, but it felt like 40." Then there are a smattering of pictures Marilyn looking like Gwen Stefani [Fig. 8] Evidence points to the fact that Gavin and Marilyn are friends. Katie Holmes is one step closer to her "baby dream" because there is a picture of her holding her stomach. In Nadya Suleman news, the mother of octuplets was indeed a stripper for at least a year in her early 20s and "enjoyed the experience a lot." She got fired from some bar because she kept breaking the "no touching" rule. But! Before that, she did private parties and was known as "the closer," the one who would do "special favors" for the men — beyond lap dancing or even touching. The mag prints a signed contract from the club, and — get this — Suleman's stripper name was Angelina. Next: Kevin Federline might get paid to lose weight, as he's been offered a deal with NutriSystem. Jennifer Love Hewitt says, "I always takes bubble baths wearing a tiara. I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara! One that I got from Disneyland." Lastly, how do you top pictures of horses with hairdos [Fig. 9]? All in all, good stuff, except for the stoopid fake cover story.
Grade: C (ripped screen)

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Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

Fig. 8

Fig. 9

Tori maintained that she didn't want a relationship with her mom, and said that if she did, it would be handled privately. Candy Spelling will be on The View next week. She hates handling anything privately, and will surely be talking all about this with the gals. If you haven't check out her website, you really should. It's an amazing display of self-involvement crossed with total lack of self-awareness.

• Rihanna's tattoo might be nonsensical, since it's spelled wrong, even though the guy at the parlor totally swore he knew Sanskrit from biking across India one semester in college. [Sun]
  
• Rihanna's ex Chris Brown swore he was only with that pretty lady at the tattoo parlor for her proofreading services and platonic friendship. [People]
  
• Neal Boulton announced he will quit drinking. It's been interfering with the caddish bisexual editor's infidelity. [P6]
• Sad Jay Leno has to settle for being best buds with Jimmy Kimmel, since David Letterman won't talk to him, not even after Leno sent the Late Show host a heartfelt letter after Letterman's open-heart surgery. Leno's "greatest regret" is that "the Tonight Show came between us." But then if he hadn't stolen it away from Letterman his biggest regret would have been not trying, right? Way to hide behind the passive voice, Leno! [Gatecrasher]
  
• John Mayer developed a neat trick for making Jessica Simpson not talk, revealed in a very servicey edition of Page Six. [P6]
• Candy Spelling begged her daughter Tori, via open Web letter, to get in touch and let her see her grandchildren. Will the mother and daughter reunite in time to get some more free publicity for Tori's memoir, Mommywood, due out Tuesday? Meh, who cares. [ET]

If you want the truth ... you probably shouldn't check out In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. But nevertheless, we continue our weekly quest for real gossip below.



Ok!
WEDDING NEWS! For years, Angelina Jolie has taken on the bulk of the responsibility with the kids, but now that she's been spending so much time away from home taking on humanitarian and film projects, Brad Pitt feels like he's a single dad. "He wants to get married before they have any more babies - and that mean getting pregnant or adopting," says a source. "He needs to know Angie is really committed to him," a friend adds. "Becoming Mrs. Pitt would give him the answer." In other fake news, Jennifer Aniston wants to adopt a baby girl because she loves the relationship Courteney Cox has with her daughter Coco and breaking up with John Mayer has "sidelined the idea of getting pregnant." Lastly, Britney's fighting to win Kevin back. Though she kissed an unnamed dancer during a dinner with members of her tour and then spent nine minutes in the bathroom with him while her bodyguards blocked the door, she's only hooking up with the dancer to make Kevin jealous. "If she wants Kevin back, she better move fast," says a Federline source. "Kevin's track record is to get every girl he falls for pregnant, and he wastes no time."
Grade: F (Favorite show gets cancelled)

Us
Here's the "diet secret" that keeps the ladies of Dancing With the Stars so svelte: DANCE FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY. Moving on: "Octomom, The Nannies Tell All" gives more detail about why the Angels in Waiting nurses clashed with Nadya Suleman. Representatives from the organization claim that she was tipping off the media, that cameramen were telling nurses to "get out of the shot" while they were trying to care for the babies, and that there is no security in the home and anyone can just walk in. They say Nadya was always shopping, only took care of the babies when the cameras were on, and didn't bathe one baby for days. In other news, Bridget Moynahan isn't amused by Gisele Bundchen's comment regarding her son Jack in Vanity Fair. Gisele said, "It's not like because somebody else delivered him that's not my child." Bridget and her friends are "in shock" since she's never met Gisele and a source says, "Gisele parades that kid for the pararazzi to show she's a family person." Stevie Nicks makes fun of some of her worst looks ever. (Fig. 1) Next: Us is calling out all of the other tabloids for recently running cover stories that weren't true. For the record, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't breaking up, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer weren't trying to conceive a baby, and Rihanna and Chris Brown did not have a secret wedding. They also show how OK! Photoshopped two pictures together to make it look like Suri and Shiloh were having a play date. A Jolie-Pitt source says, "Angelina has never met Suri, nor is Shiloh her new best friend. Actually, Shiloh's real best friend, Zahara, would be upset to hear that!" In closing, John Mayer insulted Jennifer Aniston on a five-day cruise with his fans aboard the "Mayercraft Carrier 2." He debuted a song about an anonymous needy lover, and admitted to making out with Jen's "nemesis" by which the mag means Perez Hilton. "Fuck yeah, I made out with Perez," Mayer told the crowd, "I just wanted to prove that I'm a sicker fuck than he is. I'll [have sex with him] until he runs away screaming just to prove a point."
Grade: D- (Favorite character diagnosed with brain tumor)

Life & Style
"Twilight Fight!" claims that Robert Pattinson is intimidated by the set of younger, buffer actors playing werewolves in New Moon. No actual fisticuffs have ensued, but they've been telling the press that Rob is smelly and Ryan Seacrest told one of the new stars, Kellan Lutz, "Rob is the lead,m but you're the better-looking Cullen." Also, Kristen Stewart is friends with Taylor Lautner, so the mags are going to say she's cheating on her boyfriend with him now instead of Rob. Moving on: Angelina is on an extreme diet. On the set of Salt she had her assistant put a single small salted pretzel on a plate and bring it to her for a snack. Sources on the crew haven't seen her eating much else. It's not the first time she's done this. "Angelina calls it 'movie dieting'" says a friend. "She likes the way she looks on-screen when she's slim and angular." Jessica Alba won't eat white food. Anything with sugar or flour isn't allowed in the house. "Jamie Kennedy: How he scored his dream girl" never exactly says that Jennifer Love Hewitt is out of his league, but the accompanying graphic of other normal looking guys and their hotter ladies gets the message across (Fig. 2) There's more on Nadya Suleman's alleged lack of parenting skills. Angels in Waiting lawyer Gloria Allred says, "The babies appeared to be treated as props after their feedings." As for the older kids, an insider says, "They run around in the same dirty clothes, underwear, and socks for days at a time. And when Nadya gets overwhelmed, she locks herself in a closet and talks on the phone." Britney Spears' dad is angry about her leaked phone message. "He was considering ending the conservatorship when she wrapped her tour, but now he may change his mind," says an insider, "He's freaked that Britney will stop paying him and kick him to the curb." Paris Hilton has dumped her BFF, Brittany Flickinger, who she found on a reality show. "All that girl wanted was the free trips, the goodie bags, staying at Paris' mansion and the parties and clubs. She was desperate for money," says a source. "She was another one of these girls using Paris to get famous." In Dr. Rey's casebook the bad doctor is once again using the fine film Face/Off as the inspiration for "Who has the most flawless face?" This time, Cameron Diaz would look would look better with Gwyneth Paltrow's skin grafted onto her face. (Fig. 3)
Grade: D (Lead actor leaves to make a movie)

Star
"Tori anorexic? 98lbs." Of course the personal trainer who estimated her weight doesn't treat Tori. Candy Spelling has written a tell-all book called Stories from Candyland in retaliation for her daughter's tell-all book, sTori Telling and Tori's so upset she can't eat. "Tori's so stressed over her mom's new book, she has no appetite but is still exercising every day. Her friends are all worried that she may be anorexic. She's now down to a size zero," says a source. But if Spelling is trying to get back at her estranged mother, it's not working. "Candy actually thinks Tori looks good like this," says a source. "She always told her daughter it's best to be thin." Blind item: Which smack-talking rapper is very in touch with his feminine side? During a recent trop to Vegas, he got a luxe mani-pedi at Michael Boychuk's AMP Salon in the Palms hotel. And when he hit Cirque du Soleil's O, he wore a huge afro wig! At least his girlfriend didn't seem to mind his look. Last week Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal annoyed their fellow diners in Paris by making out like teenagers at a restaurant and feeding each other pieces of chocolate mousse. Next: Sources claim that Jennifer Aniston is desperate to arrange a meeting with Brad Pitt since they are both staying in New York. So desperate in fact, that she's made two appointments at the Waldorf-Astoria's spa, hoping that she might run into Brad. It's unclear why she went through all the trouble, since she also called Brad and he said he'd love to get together and chat. Then he told Angie and she "yelled at him for half an hour," according to an insider. "She pulled him into her bedroom and hissed, 'we are leaving the city right now!'" says the source. She told the kids to pack their bags and the brood sped off to their rented Long Island estate in an SUV sans Brad. Angie said they need a break. Don't tell the kids about this (probably fake) separation. They don't want them to know because, a source says, "It would upset them too much."
Grade: D+ (Unsatisfying series finale)

In Touch
"Loving Mother or ... MOM FROM HELL?" This story takes us "inside Octomom's crazy world," with exclusive pictures of six of her octuplets piled on her bosom, the babies lined up in their crib, and her holding one baby in the palm of her hand. In addition to complaints by Angels in Waiting published by every mag this week, In Touch goes the extra mile and chats up her neighbors. One says, "The woman is completely nuts. She thinks she's famous. She doesn't know that people are laughing at her, that she's a freak." Also, an insider says that a deal is in place for Nadya to be filmed for a reality show as soon ash the last two babies come home. "Octomom" won't appear in the title because she hates the name. "It's about Nadya trying to raise 14 children while looking for love," the insider explains. Next: Angelina feels threatened by Natalie Portman starring with Brad Pitt in the new film Important Artifacts because Natalie is beautiful, educated, six years younger than Angie, and single. "In Angelina's mind, it isn't at all far-fetched that Brad could fall for Natalie and leave her the way he did Jen," says a source. A relationship expert who doesn't treat Angie agrees: "History repeats itself. She can ask for his reassurance, but there is nothing else she can do. It's out of her control." A source claims Matthew McConaughey has proposed to Camila Alves. She's been spotted wearing a yellow-diamond engagement ring. Jennifer Love Hewitt's ex-fiance, Ross McCall is upset that she's started dating co-star Jamie Kennedy only three months after they broke up. "He feels that Jamie always flirted with Jennifer around him, and now he is wondering to his friends if this romance actually began while they were still together. He is very upset," says a friend. Moving on: Are Lindsay Lohan's habits ruining her looks? A pal says she looks "skinny and run-down" because she is "always smoking and eating crappy food." Maybe Lindsay's partying is taking a toll, but the "obvious creases" "forehead lines" and "dark circles" that the mag so helpfully points out may be a result of being human. (Fig. 4) Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have split up, according to In Touch, but only because they have a $200,000 deal with another tabloid to deliver four cover stories and they have already done three, including the fake elopement. "The actual story has be written for weeks," a friend reveals, adding that "they'll get back together," as long as the price is right. Finally, the mag reports that there's a "trendy cosmetic procedure that's sweeping Hollywood: bangs!" Apparently stars like Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie, and Sarah Jessica Parker are wearing bangs so they don't have to shell out for Botox on their foreheads in these hard economic times.
Grade: C- (Anti-drug episode)

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Not everyone gets a prime-time real-estate infomercial courtesy of ABC and hosted by Elizabeth Vargas (left, with Spelling) — but the 56,500-sq. ft. megamegamansion in Los Angeles's Holmby Hills neighborhood is not just any house. Spelling doesn't even know how many bathrooms it has, she told 20/20. Or how many rooms, period. Even her real-estate agent, Sally Forster Jones, doesn't know:

While some published reports put the tally of rooms in the mansion at well past 100, Jones couldn't provide an exact count.

Spelling says she doesn't know either.

"You're really asking the wrong person," Spelling jokes. "There's a lot. (The house) has evolved and I actually haven't gone around and counted."

Spelling also says she hasn't read actress daughter Tori Spelling's memoir because friends told her it was "hurtful." So much for getting a mother-daughter jacket blurb for Stories from Candyland!

Spelling mère has been trying to sell the mansion since her husband's death in 2006 — at first secretly, now quite openly. She needs to move the product off the shelf, having bought a 17,000-sq. ft, $47 million condo in downtown Los Angeles. (Downsizing!) But here's the question: Who's going to take the PR hit of spending nine digits on a house in this age of populist outrage?

Here's a collection of stills from a video tour of the Spelling mansion:

(Photo of Vargas and Spelling by Ron Tom/ABC News)

• There are two sides to every story. The witness's and the publicist's. After a Stalker whispered to us that Padma Lakshmi, Top Chef hostess and former Shalmiar to Salman Rushdie's Clown, had raged at a (fellow!) hostess at Schiller's Liquor Bar on Thursday night, her publicist told Page Six that it is untrue. "She had called in advance, and they were expecting her, and everyone was lovely. She loves Schiller's and their staff. It's totally untrue." [P6]
• Estranged mother and daughter dynamic duo Candy and Tori Spelling are in a race to publish books that few people will read! Candy keeps pushing up her Stories from Candyland release date to compete with Tori's new book, VicTori Over Japan or some punny nonsense. We understand why Tors is doing this, she's broke now that her B&B went bust, but Candy has like four hundred trillion dollars, plus the still-beating heart of Jennie Garth in a small wooden box, given to her by a hunter. Why does she need book monies? To fuck over her daughter, that's why! [P6]
• Matt Damon's wife, a Miami barmaid named Luciana who was heroically rescued from sticky night booze-swilling obscurity by the dashing Jason Bourne, received a T-shirt with the phrase "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" emblazoned across it, along with a note that said "You're actually the only person who can wear this." She doesn't know who sent it. But whatever. Bragger. [P6]
• Are Drew Barrymore and her erstwhile flop-topped boyfriend Justin Long back together? Might be! They were caught rubbing their faces together on Thursday last, says a source named Brew Darrymore. [P6]
• As feared, Olivia Palermo cannot be destroyed by fire. [P6]
• Oh dear. Battered music star Rihanna might be starring in a "young and sexy" remake of the 1992 smash hit The Bodyguard. That animate pile of muscle and sinew that talks, Channing Tatum, is slated to costar. [NYDN]
• Jessica Simpson continues to do the whole dumb-blonde routine, even though people long ago gave up the idea that it was a joke, and are now concerned that perhaps she's unwittingly wearing lead Daisy Dukes. Whatever the answer, she's still messing up songs at concerts that people presumably paid a lot to see. So. [Us]
• Levi Johnston, the strapping young moose hunter who saw Russia, saw France, and saw himself inside Bristol Palin's underpants, explains that the couple broke up partly because he wasn't "mature" enough. The 19-year-old, clearly burdened by the sad separation but dedicated to his search for clarity and adulthood, proceeded to crush a beer can on his head, finished pipelining that chick who works at the Pipeline Club, hopped aboard his Ken's First Snowmobile Snow Machine, and headed off toward Anchorage, whooping loudly. He'll come back any day now, just you wait and see dear. [Us]
• Oh lord. Perpetually lonely and miserable actress Jennifer Aniston is now claiming that she wasn't, in fact, dumped by John Mayer. As she ran down the street, in a tattered wedding gown, carrying a small boombox playing "Here Comes the Bride" on a cassette over and over again, she told passersby that it was her decision to end the year-long relationship. "It was! It was meee!!" she shrieked into the night. The next morning, she was escorted off the Johnson family's lawn in Thousand Oaks. As a policeman put her into the car, she looked up with big, watery eyes, and said "It was a lovely ceremony, wasn't it?" He nodded kindly, shut the door, and off they drove into the sun-dappled brand new day. [Showbiz Spy]

They, along with 22 other estimable names, including Ogilvy & Mather Chairman-CEO Shelly Lazarus, aren't forming an agency in the traditional sense, but will be part of a "panel" offering marketing and general business advice to NBC Universal and its clients on how to reach women. The group will also blog, write and appear on air for the media company's women-oriented properties and contribute to a quarterly newsletter, "Power of the Purse," covering marketing to the demographic and the latest female trends. The panel will convene for the first time Feb. 10. In effect, it could become the most powerful female-focused agency in the country.

Ha. Um. As you can see, when times get tough, media companies just stop giving a fuck about anything except pulling in more revenue. Which this may or may not succeed in doing! This is a bit like Dan Abrams' comically unethical new PR firm featuring working journalists, except even more ambitious. Reportedly "Journalists and other members of the group will be able to recuse themselves as necessary to avoid conflicts." So all 'journalists' on there, just get out now, before things get ugly.

The revenge upon those who embrace this idea will be having to listen to Tori Spelling give paid advice. [Ad Age]

The Advocate: When did you first feel love from gays?
Chelsea Handler: When I had sex with my first gay man. It was pretty quick and painless, but I definitely felt it. [Laughs] I was never some fruit fly hanging around with a bunch of gay guys. I always just loved gay people. Now I definitely have friends and people on staff who are gay, but I don’t only hang around gay people. It’s not like I’m trying to be Tori Spelling — on many levels.. [...]

Did you attend any Prop. 8 protests or rallies?
I only go where the gay people invite me to go. It’s not nice to do things for the community only when people are looking. People who speak out for gay people just so that they can create a fan base annoy the shit out of me. People like Tori Spelling. She doesn’t have compassion for them. She’s not going out doing things for them. She’s like, “Oh, I have such a huge gay following.” It’s because no one else is following her!

Not true: why, Spelling is practically hounded by women who got knocked up too late for her Bumps deadline, or 90210 producers who are simply begging her to tape a guest spot (on a Canada-only bumper meant to promote the show in between Shamwow informercials). Her gays aren't a necessity but a bonus! They make her feel special, beautiful, and employable in small, straight-to-Logo romantic comedies.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Big Gay Following: Chelsea Handler [The Advocate]

DOHERTY I had already done “Heathers,” “Little House” and “Our House.” I didn’t read it and think, “Oh my gosh, ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ is going to be the hugest thing in the world.” I moved here when I was 8 years old, so I’ve always been raised to have a fair amount of confidence. There wasn’t very much that I could relate to Brenda, except that maybe we were both going through teen angst at the same time.

JASON PRIESTLEY I remember meeting Aaron for the first time. He was walking across the four-inch-deep shag carpeting in his office with a cocktail in his hand. And the second that happened, there were no more nerves for me. I thought: “Well, you know, Aaron’s already drinking. I’m cool. I got this.”

DARREN STAR The affiliates were scandalized — not because they had sex, but because Brenda was happy about it, and it didn’t have any dire consequences. I was strongly advised to write a show that would address the consequences of that sexual experience. So the first episode of the second season Brenda broke up with Dylan because their relationship had gotten too mature.

PRIESTLEY There was no excitement about it. Fox was this rag-tag group of affiliates back in 1990. “21 Jump Street” was barely hanging on. Johnny Depp had one foot out the door, and they were trying to replace him with Richard Grieco.

JENNIE GARTH There were times when it was worse than high school. The environment there was like: Are you kidding me? There was a lot of tension and unnecessary drama on the set, a certain amount of competition, and a certain — probably — anger about different salaries as the years progressed. People would find out how much someone was making, and then they’d be angry and want that, or if you got days off in your contract, they’d want that. Nobody was brave enough to step in and set us straight, and have a serious talk with us about it. There was a lot of tension directed from one specific person, and that one specific person had to reap the consequences from that.

DOHERTY I really could care less about it anymore. I have nothing to apologize for. Whatever I did was my growing-up process that I needed to go through, that anybody my age goes through. And however other people may have reacted to that is their issue.

[NYT]

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Okay, but back to the fistfight: fact or fiction?...
DOHERTY: No, we never punched each other.
GARTH: Scratching? I'm not going to deny that.

More excerpts (and salacious sexual revelations) after the jump!

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: For the new 90210, you were both involved with determining where Kelly and Brenda were in their lives. Jennie, the producers initially wanted Kelly to be a West Beverly Hills High School board member, right? How did she become a guidance counselor?
GARTH: I didn't want to be on the show for no reason. I wanted to have some value. When Gabe and [exec producer] Jeff [Judah] told me some of the things they were doing, I was like, ''Whoa. That is not 90210, people.''...
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What kinds of things?
DOHERTY: All I know is there's a girl giving a guy a b—- job in the first episode.
GARTH: When they told me that, I thought, Aaron Spelling is rolling over in his grave right now.

Dare we dream that Lucille Bluth is the loose woman in question? That's right, CW: Bluthwatch '08 continues! But then, this tidbit concerning the initial Garth/Doherty reunion:

GARTH: There had been so much buildup. Everyone was asking me before what it was going to be like. I was like, ''I don't know. I haven't talked to her in 10 or 15 years.'' I had that tension and I started to let it get to me. Is she going to be nice? Is it going to be a bad environment? But when I saw her everything was fine. [To Shannen] I was going to call you and tell you this — I got your number from Gabe [Sachs, 90210 producer] but I never called.

Jennie, Jennie, Jennie! Have you still not learned to use a phone after the Tori debacle? We know that the kids today have moved onto Sidekicks and iPhones, but sheesh: can't somebody hand the girl an oversized 90's cell phone she feels familiar with?

• '90210''s Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth: The EW Reunion [EW]

• WATCH VIDEO

• Courtenay Semel, daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, spent the night in jail after a night of carousing with her semi-girlfriend Tila Tequila and with Kourtney Kardashian. Semel apparently got into a fight with a security guard from Pure in Caesar's Palace, because what is there to do, other than be ANGRY at the world and at an underpaid hotel staffer, when you're a billionaire's daughter, on vacation in Las Vegas, leaving a glitzy nightclub with your smoking hot lesbian girlfriend? [P6]
• The Post writes, "Cher helped Bill Clinton celebrate his 62nd birthday Monday night in Las Vegas." No further details of this meeting or Cher's celebratory "help" are provided. [P6]
• Scarlett Johansson says she wants to delay her wedding because of the election. Her twin brother, you'll recall, works for Barack Obama. Groom Ryan Reynolds, presumably, is buying it. [Daily Express]
• Tori Spelling is definitely not doing the 90210 spinoff. She had been fighting with producers over getting paid less than Shannon Doherty, also from the original series. Spelling hopes "it turns out great." Which is either a lie or an indication her dad's estate is still getting royalties. [People]
• The online game Escape From Rehab allows you, Amy Winehouse, to stab enemies with your crack pipe and syringe as you try and rescue your husband from jail. [Sun]
• Actress Jennifer Garner confirmed she was pregnant, bringing relief to exasperated celebrity publications, who tended to use the word "finally" in their reporting. [Us]

When she reunited with Doherty to shoot CW's 90210 spin-off, she tells TV Guide, “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

“I’m not much of a small talker, and I don’t think she is either. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t seen or talked to her in 14 years," she goes on. "Everyone was making it out to be such a big deal that I think we both fell prey to having that affect us.”

Sounds reasonable enough, especially when Garth adds, "We’re both grown women, both professionals." Still, she can't help but throw an elbow Doherty's way when asked what her reaction is to the Tori Spelling negotiation drama:

Fighting back tears, Garth tells TV Guide, “I know Shannen probably doesn’t share the feelings that I have for Tori, but I love Tori like my sister.”

Expertly played, Ms. Garth. Go share a glass of scotch with Lucille Bluth — you've earned it.

Photo Credit: Justin Stephens/The CW

• Jennie Garth: Working With Shannen Not "As Bad As I Thought" [Us]