"The Consumer Product Safety Commission confirmed today that the popular Zhu Zhu toy is not out of compliance with the antimony or other heavy-metal limits of the new U.S. mandatory toy standard," agency spokesman Scott Wolfson said.

Antimony? Get thee behind American commerce, Satan.

I was going to try to avoid them, but it seemed my cynicism was part of the desired effect of the Plot to Take Down America, hamsters-up-Richard-Gere's-ass jokes and all.

See, these are Zhu Zhu hamsters. In the great tradition of Tickle Me Elmo, Tamagotchi, and Nintendo Wii, they are the "Toy of the Season." Which means American consumers will be taking whatever desperate measures they need to in order to acquire one. They will spend their money on these little fuckers, oblivious to the cost, in order to satisfy what they assume is their child's desperate need to own the same toy all the other children have (or can't have). And this season, someone called the Zhu Zhu hamster the one. Why are Zhu Zhu hamsters so great?

1. They don't leave any waste.
2. If your child is allergic to hamsters, they are wonderful pets.
3. They come with names, so your child doesn't have to do any work.
4. They do not promote violence (Nintendo Wii) or uncomfortable touching (see: Tickle Me Elmo).
5. Unlike the other terrible toys, you don't have to put them together.

Think again, fans of cute.

The light-brown version of the Zhu Zhu hamsters, "Mister Squiggles," has unsafe levels of antimony, according to Dara O'Rourke, co-founder of the California-based GoodGuide. "We found levels of about 93 to 106 parts per million," O'Rourke told CNN. "The new federal standard is about 60 parts per million." Antimony is used in textiles and plastics to prevent them from catching fire, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Agency for Toxic Substance and Disease Registry. Prolonged exposure can cause lung and heart problems, ulcers and diarrhea, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.

Also,

1. The waste they leave is actually, unlike hamsters, not of the biodegradable stripe.
2. Your kid is a wuss. He should probably develop a better resistance to bacteria.
3. When we need to think of creative maneuvers to fend off attacks from foreign powers, our resources will have atrophied from that which has already been done for us.
4. The violence comes socially: children, in fits of Zhu Zhu jealousy, will start to betray each other and secretly hate each other. How can we fight an enemy abroad when we can't restrain ourselves from making our children part of our violently materialistic fetishisms?
5. Wearing away at our ability to construct things? Evil, but smart.

BUT, you say, these toys are AMERICAN, man. St. Louis, American. They're only "named" in Chinese. Again, wrong:

Zhu Zhu Pets are made by tiny Cepia Inc. of St. Louis, with just 16 employees in the U.S. and 30 in China, making their success even more unlikely.

Right, and who do we owe a lot of money to? The Chinese. Yes. The Chinese. And instead of taking fingers—the old fashioned American way of collecting—they just sent these guys to come get us, our money, and kill us. Eventually, you'll be taking orders from these guys. And do you really want that to happen?

Viva, my friends. It's time to execute every last Zhu Zhu pet in America. You've seen Terminator 2. You know how this could end. Don't let it.

Here is one of those "viral" videos you've heard so much about. In it, imaginary cartoon soap bubbles representing chemical soap scum linger around a lady's shower, acting like jerks. That is because the household cleaner company that made it supports rape.

Here are some "So In Style African American Barbie Dolls." They are drawing complaints because black parents feel their hair, eyes, and body do not represent what most black girls actually look like. Yes, well, that means they are just as horrible as every other Barbie doll ever then, no? Perhaps the problem is that an inanimate plastic doll is now expected to be a role model. How about protesting the fact that Barbie costs $27, when did that happen? EHH?

Let's just worry about keeping Barbie safe from sexual assault from soap bubbles, shall we?

Yes, like her husband — and other political luminaries — the First Lady will be immortalized as an action figure, thanks to Jailbreak Toys. And, since she's so fashion forward, Michelle will be available in three different outfits: all inspired by some of her signatures looks, like the black and white ensemble worn on The View. So she's really more of a Barbie than anything else.

But back to our original question, or a variation. All of last year's big political players — Hillary, John, Sarah — have been shrunk down to action figure form. Even crazy GOP congresswoman Michele Bachmann has a plastic replication (although, the poor thing, only 50 have sold).

And then there are comic books: Barack Obama and John McCain were both featured in Spider Man adventures, and the Female Force series features Hillary, Sarah, Michelle and even Caroline Kennedy.

Are these baubles and funny pages proof of how consumerist cultures fabricate unnecessary "needs"? Or are they a more playful form of political idolization, an idolization that's born in the cult of personality? These people are, to millions, literal heroes, so why not put them in superhero form so that the public can have and hold those who inspire them more than some silly Transformer? And then, much like politics itself, toss them aside or sell them to the highest-bidder?

Perhaps this phenomenon's a little bit of both, but one thing's for certain: these products prove that great American camp continues to evolve. Just the way God intended...

Yes, for, uh, $2.99, you too can now have the technology that gave rise to one of the most irritating sounds in modern hip hop and made Kanye West waste a bunch of months trying to sing. Rather than just sit down and die, T-Pain decided to cash in and bring autotune to the masses. If you thought the guy listening to music through his phone, sans headphones on the subway was bad, wait until you meet the one singing into his. This is wonderful, and awful, and I can't not promise possibly sometime over the weekend posting a video of me using this in the comments, doing a Gawker Weekend Autotune Rendition of Jennifer Holiday's "And I'm Telling You" verse. Meanwhile, watch and learn:

Mattel Asia Pacific is the genius behind these images, obviously an attempt to show the oh-so-realness of their war toys. Ya think mom and dad might prefer to see pics of junior pushing toy tanks in the backyard sandbox, rather than looking scared shitless while surrounded by rebels in Basra?

Images via copyranter.

"Will you let me live if I mow your lawn?"
"Mommy, please help me land this..."
Little Kailee wistfully ponders her crush on Nick Jonas moments before the snipers attack.

It was four juveniles walking around with a toy gun, that they scored rummaging through all the crap Princetonians leave behind as they rush away for the summer. In other news, Princeton students are corrupting the youth with intoxicants!

Police believe the incident stemmed from a bigger problem of kids from town going on campus and rummaging through dumpsters looking for unused alcohol, which campus security says has been on ongoing problem.

These drunk kids wandering around with a "green toy handgun" and a half-empty bottle of Malibu that they filched from the trash caused the entire campus to be on full lockdown for 90 minutes. The lesson for Princeton students: Don't leave behind anything dangerous that could be used for mischief by your inferiors.

[CentralJersey.com. Pic via]

Here's Rebecca Rubin, fictional 1914-era girl created by American Girl corporate marketing wizards in a naked bid for the last of the multicultural dollars. And here's Rebecca J. Rubin, aka "Little Missy," wanted for arson in Oregon in connection with burning down evil buildings for the hardcore anarchohippie Earth Liberation Front:

How to tell them apart? The FBI notes that the arsonist Rubin "may have light facial hair." So, yea.

Clearly the solution is to arrest everyone responsible for creating American Girl Dolls.
[NYT. Good catch, Salkin!]

[NYT]

[Wired]

[via YOU: On My Blog]

[via YOU: On My Blog]

"Finally, once everyone went on dates and kissed good night and went on dates again without any broken hearts or unexpected pregnancies, we needed to mix things up a little. So Mark would dump Leia for Bespin Leia (the fancy 'Empire Strikes Back' Leia who Lando said truly belonged with them 'among the clouds' of Bespin City), and Bespin Leia would cheat on Mark with Harrison, or Luke would start stalking Carrie ('Empire Strikes Back' Leia in 'Hoth' garb)."

Okay, just a damned minute. If you realize that Leia came in both "Hoth" and "Bespin" outfits, why do you insist on dismissing Han and Luke in their Bespin outfits as "Hunkier 'Empire Strikes Back' version[s]"? But I digress...

"But even with so much drama and intrigue in the air, the second we started to mix and match the couples, we'd quickly begin to lose interest in the game. Who cared if Bespin Leia dated Mark then Luke then Harrison then Luke again, really? After a while, the relationships felt arbitrary, and sometimes Leia would elope with Chewbacca just to piss everyone off." [Salon]

Now that tears it. She has the heros of the Battle of Yavin running around like stinking Barbie dolls and tops it off with flagrant anti-Wookieeism. From now on, girls may play with Bratz dolls, Hula-hoops, and each other's hair.