Americans, who value both rippling muscles and a staunch philosophy that science is the devil, will purchase and consume anything emblazoned with the word "PROTEIN." And it's not just us—the whole world is crazy about these amino acid compounds!
A good rule of thumb if you're a man and you want to wear a "dress shirt" is, you put on the shirt and look in the mirror, and if you can see your nipples and also you are suffocating, the shirt is too tight. Well, your wife thinks it looks great on you.
Today, The Atlantic identifies the most intriguing new food trend of 2014: "miracle fruit," the magic little berry that makes sour things taste sweet. How come nobody's mentioned this before?
Good news, sporting enthusiasts: while "real" sports like football and baseball remain popular among the American public, there are indications that other, wacker sports seem to be falling out of favor.
Bored to death with their standard careers in the Bushwick street art guided tour industry, members of the disgustingly attractive and incompetent "Millennial" generation are now amusing themselves by starting oil companies. Are fossil fuels the new "molly?"
Lunchables, the popular cracker-n-meat-n-cheez combo meals indicative of how much your parents did not care about your health as a child, are now considered acceptable sustenance for even high school-aged kids. Are adults next?
Next to computer software and hairstyles for the bald, no field in the business world offers more competitive innovative thinking than fast food breakfasts. Witness the vast array of culinary creativity currently on display from our nation's leading dining options.
Good gracious! America's always enjoyed a tasty bird—and that hasn't changed a bit! In fact, Americans are gobbling down that chicken—now more than ever! Man alive!
The percentage of mothers who stay at home has risen sharply in the past 15 years. You might think this would make the lives of fathers easier. Hell no. Everyone is miserable.
"Consumer packaged goods" is the technical term for everything you buy when you go to "the store" to "get some stuff." For years now, you, the consumer, have been buying less of this stuff. What gives?
You, the American consumer, do not know any science, but you do know you want all of those "artificial flavors" and "artificial colors" out of your processed garbage food. Or at least you want to believe they're out.
Consider us, the average American consumers: couch-bound, sluggish, overweight, grazing on a steady diet of heavy meats, hormone-laced milk, and refined sugars. An economically required fast is the best thing that could happen to us.
There is NOTHING more American than a Lean Cuisine-brand frozen dinner, which combines our national passions for junk food, fad diets, and sadness all in one easily microwaveable package. And now you ingrates are abandoning this proud legacy in droves.
"Williamsburg," an upscale lifestyle brand named after a long-lost neighborhood in Brooklyn, long ago outgrew its apocryphal status as a home to underpaid fauxhemians and became home to wall-to-wall overpaid yuppies. Thankfully, there is more space in Williamsburg for rich people than ever before.
The idea of "buying" a home in this economy is reserved for people who are richer, more responsible, and luckier than you. For you, the average American, the only choice is to rent. Which is good, because they're building rentals faster than you can say "But will you allow my dog, Baxter?"
On Thursday, the New York Times, America's controversial monocle pamphlet, made waves when it announced the sizzling new
trend among monocles, which is: for people to be wearing them.
Last week, the Washington Post published one doctor's remembrance of the emotions associated with treating a morbidly obese patient. The doctor was condemned for purported "fat-shaming." Is your doctor really fat-shaming you?
There is nothing that you, the consumer, love more than a paper bag filled with piping hot breakfast items purchased from one of our nation's fast food outlets. It is the only high point in the otherwise dreary days of the majority of Americans. Fortunately, fast food breakfast will now be more inescapable than ever.
The food industry has a generally glum outlook for sales in the coming year. But there is a bright spot: the portion of Americans buying gluten-free food has more than doubled in the past three years. Why?
We've had some hard times in the past five years. But thanks to The Fed and Almighty God, the economy is booming again. Now you can finally get divorced.
