Not too long ago, any half-bright young Ivy League whelp with a taste for fluorescent lighting and endless drudgery could get an entry-level lawyer job in a big city for a fat salary. Sadly, it's not quite so easy any more.
"[Watch] collectors are just as likely to be former police officers as sophisticates like... the musician John Mayer, who in under a decade has amassed a highly personal collection of vintage watches valued in the millions." Some things never change.
Nothing is more American than an enormous refrigerator, or dishwasher, an energy-guzzling monstrosity performing the basic service of making our lives a little easier, because we. Are. Americans. Is it time to panic over the decline in the American way of appliances?
Although to you the idea of buying a home may seem like a fuzzy, faraway dream, the numbers show that thousands of young people just like you are in fact doing just that. What is their secret?
The "millennials," a demographically desirable generation that is defined by its blind fealty to the advertising agencies most capable of portraying corporate brands as non-corporate, has declared that—above all—it wants to be seen as unique.
For the first time since the government began tracking this almost 30 years ago, the majority of American adults are single. That's probably for the best.
Clay is the hottest new beauty product for celebrities. Forget other forms of soil. Only clay has today's most popular mix of dirt, water, and trace minerals. Do not be caught consorting with silt, mud, or quicksand—clay is this season's soil of choice.
For food-like dining chain McDonald's, young people—who have not yet had time to develop a discriminating palate—have always been their "bread and butter." No longer. What's wrong, millennials? Have you lost your bad taste?
Although the college experience at large state universities is a nonstop sex party, the "elite" college experience is more... refined. Finding love can be difficult. Happily, our nation's future leaders now have a new crutch.
Traditionally, Americans only see the inside of a gym from January 2- January 15, before giving up on their New Year's resolutions. Their actual need for athletic apparel is minimal. This does not stop Americans from buying athletic apparel as fast as they can.
Americans don't trust anything they can't see with their own two eyes, except for government assurances of nefarious activities by strategically hated foreign enemies. That's why see-thru packaging is now "a must" for all American garbage foodstuffs.
Imagine if you could afford a house. Now, imagine if you could afford to have porch on that house. Sounds nice, right? Yeah, that's what lots of people are thinking now!
Food product conglomerate Campbell's is having a shaky year selling food products, which the company blames on a "seismic shift" in how people eat. Campbell's solution: to grab onto every last trendy food trend and ride those babies till the wheels fall off.
Tiny houses: everyone loves them. We the media cannot stop writing about them.They're even getting their own reality show. Are tiny houses the future of American housing? Absolutely not. Not at all!
There was a time—after Sex and the City glorified Magnolia Bakery, and before carbs were universally considered poison—when cupcakes were gold. Today, as a cupcake chain closes its doors, we must ask: Is the golden age of cupcakes over?
"The percentage of Americans who snack three or more times a day rose to 56% by 2010, according to the latest available government data. That is up from roughly 20% in the 1990s and 10% in the late 1970s." We love snacks!!
The day before I went to Detroit, the city imposed a curfew due to fears of violence. The city was also in the process of shutting off water to thousands of its residents. It sounds bad. But as long as you stay inside a sealed corporate bubble the whole time, you'll never even know these problems exist.
A city of 2.5 million is now home to a venue for a sport that has been in the Olympics for more than a century. What will those hipsters think of next?
America has a proud tradition of breakfast cereal, dating all the way back to John Harvey Kelloggs' crackpot theories on cornflakes and masturbation prevention. Now, the cereal industry is turning to a new generation of crackpots: people like you.
Washington, DC is known to be America's "capital" city—of hipness. Much of that hip, young vibe is driven by "millennial"-generation "hipsters," spreading their hipness around the city like a blanket of comforting disease. But has DC gotten too hip for the good of its own hipness?
