The angst-ridden "fixie" messengers of the "millennial" generation are now the most important consumer demographic out there. So what's their financial plan? Oh, millennials will tell you their financial plan, dad.
Americans, who fancy themselves sophisticated nutrition experts even as they consume a diet increasingly made up of petroleum byproducts, are no longer content to drink just any swill. They now prefer to drink swill that is worse than the previous swill of choice.
Since 2000, the number of jobs within commuting distance of an average American resident has fallen by 7%. Despite the fact that long commutes are one of the biggest barriers to human happiness, our commutes are getting longer. We are smart.
You know who just bought a house? A new house? Ayden, and Kylie, and tens of thousands of their "millennial" generation friends. Did you also buy a house? Or no?
As the trade winds that blow across the seas are always in flux, so too are the diaper-buying trends of parents around the world. A powerful metaphor? Yes.
Atkins Nutritionals, the company that cashed in on the low-carb Atkins Diet, is up for sale and "could fetch more than $1 billion." Its anti-sugar precepts have become mainstream in America. The lone holdout: one rich motherfucker.
The dreaded "millennial" generation, composed of millions of identical young people who are on drugs, are now old enough to get "real" jobs and have their own bank accounts. They're still getting the hang of it, god bless em.
Americans are less stressed than they were a few years ago. But the Americans you'd expect to be stressed are really fucking stressed. I guess we all just need to get that $$$.
As more effort has gone into seeking out innocent people in prison over the last several years, the number of exonerations has been on the rise. Last year broke all the records.
Traditionally, young people come to the big city with a dream; then, when that dream inevitably fails to materialize, many of them move away to some smaller, more forgiving town and cry silently, years later, at what might have been. Now, the fucking tables have turned.
Here's an encouraging statistic: even though law school graduates now have a much better chance of getting a job than they did just a few years ago, the most recent U.S. law school class is the smallest one in 40 years. Are kids actually getting smarter?
American orange juice consumption is at its lowest point in 18 years. What's up with you people?
Crossfit here. Crossfit there. Crossfit everywhere. Crossfit is the chicken pox of a new generation.
Ye foolish sheep. So easily led astray. Ye have thought that the War on Christmas was just an annual event, lasting a few weeks. But what if this war hath been going on for decades?
Most reasonable people take the decline of spray-on deodorant as a mark of progress. Not so the Unilever Corporation, which has plans to revive spray-on deodorant as a popular item. If you must use this hissing, scented menace, at least do it with proper courtesy.
"Ridgewood is in the chrysalis stage of an outer-borough transformation that shrieks 'Brooklyn.' Except it's not in that overhyped borough." The New York Times style section has arrived, so "Queens is the new Brooklyn" is already over.
Americans, who—in general—are not scientists, or even very literate, are nevertheless convinced that they must eat "gluten-free" food in order to, uh, [something about health]. Spoiler: if you think this, you are probably wrong!
"The new treadmill gyms are betting that running in place can become the newest hit among the Lululemon set, enticing people willing to pay $34 or more for a single class." Nah.
Used to be that bankers were men—big men, who were at least bluffing at having big dicks, who worked themselves half to death, then partied like rock stars, if rock stars were incredibly boring conversationalists. Nowadays? Banks are trying to make their employees fucking church ladies.
