PROBLEM: There are so many millennials today, but they can’t afford to stay in your company’s nice hotels. SOLUTION: Build shittier motels—for millennials.

During the furious stock market boom of the past several years, the only apartments you could find anywhere were exclusively glass-walled luxury penthouses, priced at $85 million. It seems, however, that we may be waking up from our cash-induced fancy apartment haze at last.

“As a decade-long love affair with handbags cools, women have been increasingly scooping up lingerie items, leading some industry watchers to wonder if lingerie is the new handbag.” Only women know for sure.

Thanks to cheap gas prices, a strong economy, and widespread availability of automobiles, it looks like American drivers drove more miles last year than ever before. A little bit of history in the making. Do you find this fact interesting? Do you enjoy driving? What is the best car, in your opinion?

“Sales of smartwatches and fitness trackers could outpace those of traditional watches by 2020, according to data from research firm Mintel.” Yeah right.

A new PR firm trend report says marketers will soon stop targeting millennials as a single group and “focus on reaching the younger consumers based on their passions.” What does this mean? Nothing, because PR trend reports are 100% bullshit. Stupid sellout millennials.

“A man with a white pet rat got into an argument with a bodega clerk over the price of a Grandma’s Chocolate Chip cookie, refused to pay and kicked in the store’s glass door as he left, according to police.” Please share this post virally.

Editorial staffers at the liberal news site ThinkProgress have voted to unionize, marking a half-dozen media unions announced this year.

Not only is law school more unpopular than it’s been in more than a generation—those contrarian youngsters who do go to law school now suck more than ever.

Americans know that the newly empowered “millennial” generation is the greatest threat to our nation’s stability. But did you know that China’s millennial generation has the potential to be even worse?

You can “hack” a computer. You don’t have to “hack” every last thing.

Hotels: they’re full now. More full than ever. What is it about hotels that is making them so full now?

“Millennials,” a demographic group defined by a slavish devotion to “keeping it real” by purchasing the correct consumer products, are now old enough to be “out there” in the world, “doing their thing.” Instead, they are living at home.

Boring person clothing store THE GAP, faced with falling sales, has announced that it will close 175 stores across America in a sad attempt to feel less unpopular. Who is responsible? Yes, it’s the dreaded millennials.

Wow, big time panic, egg prices have skyrocketed to an all-time high: as much as $3 a dozen. Oh my god, crisis, this means that eggs are... still cheap as hell! Cheapest protein on the market, folks. Eggs—still a great deal!

“Although coifs and comestibles would not seem to have much in common, for a specific demographic, a cappuccino made with locally roasted, ethically grown beans is a natural accompaniment to high-caliber haircuts.”

The “millennial” generation loves nothing more than advertising, except for allegedly humorous “Vines” that they force you to watch on their iPhones, at parties, which is inappropriate. The point is: advertisers are over millennials and their bullshit.

Sales of Keurig push-button coffee makers plunged last quarter, and the company’s stock price is plunging too. Is the “bad coffee at high prices plus wanton waste generation” formula breaking down? Or what?

Are you one of a subset of 83 million Americans? You’re lazy, man.