Soderbergh told the Wall Street Journal that he didn't expect much of a reaction by casting a world-famous porn star in his sex-free story of a Manhattan call girl, because:

"It's so mainstream now.... When you look at people who are transmitting the news to you on television they all look like they're in porn, the way they're coiffed. It's really crazy. There's this like hyper-grooming thing going on now, men and women.

Maybe it's because cable news and your typical Van Nuys porn flick are made with the same production value, but we think Soderbergh may be on to something. So, we turned to our own video whiz Mike Byhoff — the only person we know who spends all day alternating between watching porn and cable news — to put together a photo line-up. Answers for who is who are at the bottom.

1.

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8.

Answers:

1. Courtney Friel of Fox News (left) and porn star Kayden Kross (right)
2. John Stossel of ABC (left) and The Legend John Holmes (right)
3. Porn star Lisa Ann (left) and Suzanne Malveaux of CNN (right)
4. Porn star Lexi Belle (left) and Jenna Lee of Fox Business Network (right)
5. Porn star Lela Starr (left) and Natalie Morales of NBC (right)
6. Cal Perry of CNN (left) and porn star LeRoy (right). That's it...LeRoy
7. Rebecca Gomez of Fox News (left) and porn star Austin Kincaid (right)
8. Jesse Watters of Fox News (left; we haven't forgotten about you) and porn star Peter North (right), ambushing unsuspecting women with facials.

[CNN via Anderson Cooper Effects]

So yesterday we showed you this fantastically priceless video of Fox News host Shepard Smith saying "blowjob" on live TV. "I have no idea how that happened," he says sheepishly. Also probably mystifying to Smith then, is how he didn't manage to come off as a good 'ol snatch-loving Southern boy in today's Observer profile of him. He talked about football and everything! Well, sort of. Mostly he talked about doing Eli Manning, the Giants' native son. “I’ve met him a number of times,” said Mr. Smith. “He’s a private guy. He’s likes to stay to himself. Eli, as a friend, would be weird. I like him being my quarterback.” Hoo boy. We can see his publicist, head in hands, now. Other wince-worthy quotes after the jump.

• "Roger [Ailes] and I are tight. I want to perform for him in the way a kid wants to perform for his dad.” Uh. Ew.
• "I’ve been thinking about Eli Manning being in the Super Bowl all my life. I’m probably more excited about this than he is." “I’m kind of a techno freak. So that’ll be fun." No comment. None.
• "Archie [Manning's father] was on the wall next to Cheryl Tiegs.” See America? He lusted after swimsuit models! Nothing to look at here!

Except that, like New York magazine before it, the Observer wants you to know what they think but aren't ballsy enough to say, so they're going to use Smith's wall to play wink-nudge with you too. "A framed photograph of Mr. Smith and his younger brother, pregaming under the oak trees on the Ole Miss campus, hung on the wall." His brother, eh? Maybe. No one else hanging in that office? Anyone at all? No? We get it, quit poking us already.

Ask the press to call a gay news host like they see one, and all of a sudden demureness is a virtue. For every stab taken at outing a closeted news man, a contradictory report pops up. ABC's Sam Champion made out with a chick! Bill Hemmer was seen loving a lady on the Empire State building! But let's be careful not to point out why both those things are newsworthy enough to be mentioned.

Gay? Not so much? Maybe? You tell us. Our bastardization of the Kinsey scale below uses a scale of 0-6. The higher the score, the gayer the news gay.

Hemmer's star rose at CNN, where his boyish looks endeared him to legions of grandmothers and gays. We hear the lady he showed off yesterday has been his girlfriend for several years. Whatever, we giggle when he says "lover" in this video.
Bill Hemmer—1.5

We and everyone we know have seen Anderson Cooper out and about at gay bars for years, so the charade seems a little beyond the point.
Anderson Cooper—6

ABC weatherman Sam Champion was spotted the other day sucking face with a woman, which might unnerve his ex-boyfriend Jose or his current flame Sean, if you believe our commenters.
Sam Champion—5

Fox News anchorman Shepherd Smith has lovely locks, a Southern twang and piles of rampant homosexuality rumors. Of course, he doesn't help matters much by saying "blowjob" by accident during his live newscast, like he does here. A Washington Blade columnist basically outed Smith two years ago when he wrote about running into the anchor at a New York piano bar. He declined Smith's invitation to go back to his place.
Shepherd Smith—5

Fox shoutman Sean Hannity's college radio show was canceled when the station accused him of discriminating against gays. Besides his pundit duties, Hannity puts his name behind a match-making feature on his website called, we kid you not, Hannidate, which is the creepiest thing ever. The site's options allow same sex couple searches. "Hannidate is open to everyone," he told a newspaper in 2006, including, the site says, those looking for life partners.
Sean Hannity—3