Answer: Hiding from their rabid fans.

There are four major types of Twihard attack, each with a unique perpetrator profile and modus operandi:

1. Non-Consensual Neck Bites
You'd think would happen all the time, but forcible tooth-on-neck penetrations are relatively rare in the Twihard universe, probably because most fans would prefer to be Edward Cullen's victim, not his imitator. Nonetheless, a Michigan NBC affiliate reports today that a "white man, about 45 years old" is at large after biting a 17-year-old girl at a New Moon showing*:

I tried to pull away and he didn't let go. He was just kind of staring at me, smiling, in this really creepy way ... He got maybe two, three feet from my chair and he grabs me by the back of my hair, pulls me backward and bites me on the neck.

2. Twihard-on-Twihard Violence
In the orgiastic frenzies surrounding every Twilight event, it is a foregone conclusion that someone would put an eye out. A brawl over a Robsessed poster landed a British teen in the hospital after a screening of the fan documentary last week. Sarah O'Regan explains her harrowing plight:

I didn't find out about the free Robsessed posters till they were all gone. Then I spotted one on the table at the same time as another girl and we both ran for it. I grabbed it first but then she snatched it off me. ... I was frightened, as I don't ever get into fights, but at that moment I was totally Robsessed and I had fire in my heart. It all happened so quickly. I ended up on the floor and my arm and cheek were in terrible pain, so my friend had to take me to hospital. [Note: I have removed extraneous exclamation points from this account because they are annoying, and also because it's funnier as a deadpan.]

O'Regan, who is Robert Pattinson's "biggest fan in the world" and "want[s] to marry him," reports that the poster was torn in half during the scuffle, but that she got "the better half," which included Pattinson's face. She remains in good spirits:

I'm so gutted I missed the screening, but the DVD company have sent me a free copy of Robsessed which I have already watched about 4 times

Though terrifying, Twihard-on-Twihard violence is easily avoided, mostly by avoiding any and all Twilight-related gatherings.

3. Twihard-on-Bystander Violence
A message board directory of Twilight-related attacks, reveal baseball beat-downs, broken bones, small explosive devices, and a nearly scratched-out eyeball. This tale of an attempted schoolroom throat-slashing has a somewhat unreliable narrator, but is really good, in a Bad Boys meets Mean Girls sort of way:

[I]n Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. she came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed "How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!" Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn't have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed. She was expelled, but I got after school detention for defending myself (our principal is a ass)!

To avoid Twihard-on-Bystander attacks, stay away from places where teenagers congregate and do not, under any circumstances, openly criticize Twilight in public. Should you be the victim of Twihard-on-Bystander violence, know that it is not your fault, Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, and next time, carry a rape whistle.

4. Celebrity-Directed Attacks
Celebrity-directed attacks are theoretically dangerous to Twilight's beleaguered stars, but since event organizers now know to anticipate them, the cavalcade of beefy New Moon security actually leaves Twihard fans at greater risk of endangering themselves. Witness Robert Pattinson's tale of how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public: After an autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off," prompting the nubile young female to rip her clothes off and get "dragged out of the room by security."

* UPDATE: She was lying! Props to commenter Matt Cherette for calling bullshit early.

•ABC was flooded with more than 1,500 complaints from parents whose kids turned instantly gay at the sight of Lambert kissing his male keyboardist. The very douche-y Parents Television Council weighed in: "These programs are wholly unsuitable for children now and it's pathetic," said a spokesperson. Meanwhile, Lambert was characteristically blithe about the whole thing: "I had fun, my dancers had fun, the audience... had fun. Anybody else who was watching it and enjoying it, thank you for being entertained." But.. what about the... oh, never mind! [Variety]

•Judd Apatow's production company has picked up three new movies—and only one of them is obviously a bromance! All three were pitched by Aziz Ansari (of Apatow's "Funny People" and NBC's "Parks & Recreation") and Jason Woliner (a member with Ansari in the sketch troupe Human Giant). The two will write at least one of the films, which includes "a road movie about two guys who work for a motivational speaking company." Aziz Anzari is, how do you say, "totally blowing up"? [Variety]

•Buffy creator Joss Whedon has received the Producers Guild of America Vanguard Award for "achievements in new media and technology." But you know what he probably would rather have? Dollhouse not to be canceled. [Deadline]

•Further proof that rich people love singing and dancing: Fox's Glee scores highest among broadcast primetime shows in the "upscale viewers" demo. [The Wrap]

•Obligatory "Twilight" news: FX has acquired the TV rights to the four "Twilight" movies. Says tweens with basic cable: "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [THR]

•Google continues its quest to catalog all your data: Tivo is partnering with the Big G to help it determine who is watching the ads on their Tivo-'d shows. Do people actually do this!? [THR]

• "Mind-bending" is what the LA Times calls the worldwide "New Moon" total for its opening weekend. And the domestic take of $140.7 million was $38 million more than any other film not launched during the lucrative summer months. This time around, ticket sales appeared to be bolstered by more adult women looking to escape their dreary lives through the seductive portals of sweet Edward's hazel eyes. "New Moon" led a strong weekend overall, during which "The Blind Side" with Sandra "blond" Bullock posted a surprising $34.5 million. Mind officially bent.[LA Times]

• The real stars of Sunday's American Music Awards were the backup dancer who performed fake oral sex on Adam Lambert, and Jennifer Lopez's ass, which cushioned her when she fell on it. But there were some awards, too: Taylor Swift won artist of the year, favorite female pop-rock, country and adult contemporary artist, and favorite album for her CD "Fearless". Michael Jackson posthumously won four awards, including favorite male pop-rock and soul-R&B artist. [LA Times]

• Not to be outdone by vampires, werewolves are poised for a comeback: Indie producers Joel Kastelberg and Etchie Stroh are resurrecting 1981's werewolf flick "The Howling". But where will they find a werehunk as hot as Taylor Lautner? [Variety]

• Oprah is producing "a sexually charged hourlong series pilot about a woman who leaves her seemingly perfect marriage and children in Santa Monica for the underbelly of L.A., where she indulges her secret fantasies and desires." It will be on HBO and seems like a perfectly natural progression from her daytime television talk show. [Variety]

• James Cameron's 3D crazyfest "Avatar" will not be 3 hours, as had been previously speculated. It will be a very modest 2 1/2 hours instead. Rip off! [The Wrap]

• Nooooooooooooo!!!!! Cougartown halted production last week ""in order for Courteney to deal with a private family matter." Nobody knows when filming will resume on the cougar-acclaimed sitcom. [Hollywood Reporter]

• After all the build-up, the actual film seems rather beside the point. But New Moon is here and looking to do the box office what vampires do to their victims, except not leaving them dead, but rather filled up with money. The second installment of the Twilight series has already become the all time online ticket sales champion. In it's opening weekend it is expected to rake in in the range of $85 million domestic, although there is some buzz that it could, just possibly, if we can dare to dream, break the magic $100 million opening weekend figure. [Hollywood Reporter]

• And if you are worried that what with there only being a couple Harry Potter movies left and Twilight being half over, that we might soon be running out of fantasy mega-cycles at our multiplexes, set your mind at ease, help is on the way. Lorenzo di Bonaventura yesterday nailed the rights to produce a film adaptation of the six chapter literary fantasy series The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. Bonaventura, Variety notes, presided over the launch of the Potter series which has currently grossed $5.38 billion worldwide while he was head of production at Warner Brothers. [Variety]

• Oscar's got a new director. The fantastically named Hamish Hamilton, veteran of directing live concert events will take the Academy's baton under producers Bill Mechanic and Adam Shankman. [Variety]

• The Academy however, majorly dissed its once darling Michael Moore. His latest installment of the Michael Moore Yells at The Rich cycle Capitalism, A Love Story, failed to make the short list of 15 films up for the Best Documentary prize. The list which included favorites Valentino: The Last Emperor, The Cove and Every Little Step, will be winnowed down to five nominees in February. [The Wrap]

• Forbes has done the math on the most-overpaid stars in Hollywood, coming up with a showbiz equivalent of a PE ratio, calculating how much their movies gross for every dollar they are paid. Topping the list: Will Ferrell whose films earn a mere $3.29 for every dollar he has paid. [Forbes]

• The New York Times reports on how early very obscure Oscar buzz for Jeff Bridges' performance as a country singer in Crazy Heart transformed a movie that its distributor had deemed unreleasable into a major awards contender. [NY Times]

• Asked in an interview with CNBC's Erin Burnett about the pending sale of NBC/Universal to Comcast, CEO Jeff Zucker was tight lipped, saying "I'm incredibly interested to see what will happen...Time will tell." Asked about his decision to upend NBC's schedule with the Jay Leno Experiment, Zucker deflected the question, focusing on the show's spin, saying he thought it was unfortunate that the move had been portrayed as part of a cost-cutting strategy and that its just about making great shows. His team is focused on doing "whatever it takes to put on the best television," he said, which is something less than saying either "We are committed to giving Jay as long as he needs to find an audience" or, on the other hand, "What the hell have we done!?" [Hollywood Reporter]

J. Peter Hogan (what is up with Republicans and that first initial?) is a crazy right-wing dude who loves Politico.com and Newsbusters.com. He has too much time on his hands and a strange preoccupation with socialites and other young, attractive famous women, namely Lydia Hearst, her sister Gillian, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and others. He regularly tweets them all random things that make little to no sense. This morning he sent the mini missive, "Pictionary poetry: A socialite looked up "socialism" & didn't like what she found yet stays a prominent person in fashionable society." Huh? That doesn't even make any sense.

Later he followed up with, "@Lhearst @parishilton my dctnry - socialite: a person who is prominent in fashionable society. @danaperino @ladygaga @katyperry." Is that supposed to be a dig or something?

Well, Lydia took the bait and replied. "Some people take things too literally and do not understand how words and definitions can change - they should watch S.Park F Word Episode," she tweets, adding in a second message that her comment was directed towards Hogan. Please, the only two stations this guy knows how to find on his dial are Fox News and QVC, he wouldn't be able to find South Park on Comedy Central with both hands and a flashlight.

Lydia, do not talk to the crazies! They're always going to be there, saying stupid things that don't make any sense, and if you talk back to them, you're going to give them power. And with some power, then they'll keep saying more things and crazier things and they might even do something drastic like show up at the red carpet and heckle you for being a communist because the carpet is red. Twitter is for telling us which parties you're going to, who you're hanging out with, and maybe even sending pictures of the outfits you're wearing. You just keep having a good time and being fabulous and let the professionals worry about shaming the crazy people, OK?

[Image via Getty]

She took her favorite pair of Edward Cullen panties out of the dryer and slid them onto her body, reveling in the soft caress of Robert Pattinson's cold zombie lips. [via Twitarded]

She then climbed into her $130 New Moon canopy bed. The drab satin-effect sheets reminded her of the lifeless sheen in her undead boyfriend's eyes. She felt alone, though—so alone. She decided she needed some company... [via Etsy]

She gathered her favorite noose-looped Twilight clothespin voodoo dolls and ornamented her surroundings with them. [via Etsy]

"Come to me, Edward," she whispered, grasping beneath the sheets in search of the hand-sewn Edward Cullen zombie sock puppet she sleeps with every night. [via Etsy]

She leaned a porcelain cheek against her Robert Pattinson pillow. [via Etsy]

It was time. She stretched her pale, slender hand to the Jacob Black light switch and dimmed it to—what else?—twilight. [via Etsy]

She removed her vampire sparkle dildo from the top drawer in her bedside table. She bit her lip and recalled fondly the words her Dildward Cullen had used to seduce her:

Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon's soft glow

[via Tantus]

Her cheeks flushed, her lips trembled, her eyelids fluttered. Dildward Cullen did all the things she asked of him, in cursive on the front of her sweatshirt. [via CafePress]

He sated her completely. With a sigh of contentment, she retired to use her Twilight-themed restroom, to use the Cullen-branded toilet. [via Etsy]

She reapplied her vegan Twilight lip gloss and smacked her lips in the mirror. [via Etsy]

Returning to the bedroom, she kicked her hand-painted Bella and Edward high-top sneakers out of the way. [via Regretsy]

Clutching the felted "Bella's womb" she had crafted from wool to depict the mutant fetus within, she contemplated whether child support applied to half-vampire bastards. [via Cinematical]

She would not bear a bastard babe. She reached into the desk and pulled out the stack of Save the Date cards she had been saving for her Twilight-themed wedding. [via Etsy]

For this would be the child to bring together the forces of Vampire and Human. In this child, the future would be born. This child would be as sexy as her vampire lover. Her son, the Next Edward Cullen. [via CafePress]

• With fans already camped out awaiting its Friday opening, New Moon, the latest installment in the Twilight cycle, has already broken its first record, becoming the all-time leader in advance ticket sales, according the Fandango's rankings. The ticket seller reports that a full 86 percent of its sales over the past week were for New Moon. The US government has advised all citizens to prepare a safe room in their homes that will be kept free of all media, warning the incoming vampire tsunami over the next week will overrun every available crevice of television, newspapers, magazines, internet and human speech, flooding the populace with a deluge Twilight propaganda. [Deadline]

• Use whatever big bang metaphor you like, 2012 did that at the box office this weekend, hauling in $225 million worldwide. Precious also impressed on a much smaller scale, taking the number four slot with $6.1 million while running on only 174 screens. The weekend also gave some hope to Disney's promise that A Christmas Carol would prove to have legs through the holiday season despite its tepid opening. Carol dropped off a mere 26 percent from its opening weekend. [Variety]

• The Academy of Motion Pics met in a low-key, old fashioned, just-among-friends ceremony to give out its special awards off-camera this year. Special Oscars were handed to Lauren Bacall, cinematographer Gordon Willis and producers Roger Corman and John Calley. The evening was full of low-key speeches and tableside toasts to the honorees. Warren Beatty heralded the wonder of attending an Oscar event where "Nobody's worried whether 36.9 million people are watching us, or 29.2 million." The off-camera nature of the event apparently inspired the stars to their most-long winded heights. Time it took to hand out four awards: three and a half hours. [NY Times]

• Variety chronicles the keeping the trains running resigned mood at MGM as the company waits to be auctioned off and wonders whether it will continue to be a standalone studio. While the wait goes on, development work continues on The Hobbit, James Bond 23 and a Poltergeist reboot. Audiences will rejoice at the news that the studio is guaranteeing it will release the already completed Red Dawn, Hot Tub Time Machine and a 3D retelling of Cabin in the Woods. [Variety]

• Mediaweek reports on "Growing Pains at Hulu." The portal is apparently demonstrating why joint ventures in show biz are fraught propositions as conflicts have been springing up between the ABC, NBC and Fox staffs whose companies co-founed the site. [MediaWeek]

Today's horrible press release is from a PR agency wanting us to do a story about how liking vampires will give teenage girls body image issues. If they want to be like these pale, thin monsters from beyond, they're going to stop eating and wear white makeup and develop eating disorders and maybe a skin rash. Oh my gosh!

Please, this is some seriously stupid fake outrage. From the pitch:

In a time when it is so easy for young girls to be persuaded by the media, are vampires the wrong image to achieve? I work with several clinical psychologists and behavioral health experts who can discuss the negative impact these shows have on body image. Some of the additional topics these experts can discuss are: Are these shows forcing girls into eating disorders? Forcing them to use diet pills? How can these girls embrace their body and have positive body image? How can parents help to combat these stereotypes that young girls are faced with?

Thanks to media of all stripes and our youth- and fitness-obsessed culture, girls already have enough body issues, but we think that vampires are the least of these problems. First of all, most of the vampires in Twilight, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, and others are men and the women they fall in love with are humans. So, how would this make want girls to be thinner and paler? Sure, this is a stupid pitch, but why is everyone convinced that this fad is so bad and has all these dark psychological underpinnings?

There is only one great sociological reason why teenagers are really into vampires right now: they're cool. That's it. Someone decided that vampires were the thing, girls bought into the idea and convinced other girls that they were losers if they didn't and now we have a national vampire hysteria. If it weren't vampires, it would be Dirty Dancing or Garbage Pail Kids or doing your math homework. The fickle tastes of children can hardly be explained, they should just be monitored and tolerated.

So, as we've gone over before, liking vampires will not make girls fall in love with gays. It will also not make the unhealthily obsessed with brushing their teeth, want to stop eating garlic, avoid crosses, or be afraid of their reflections in the mirror. Excessive vampire exposure may make them screech, scream, act irrationally, fall in love with Robert Pattinson, read trashy books, and cast far too many votes for the People's Choice Awards. But that's just teenage girls now, isn't it?

Vampires are the worst. They're not evil-evil, anymore. They've been rendered powerless by True Blood and Twilight and now, The CW's The Vampire Diaries from fucked-up, baseless monsters who are honoring a timeless tradition of being terrifyingly rapey psychopaths who do nothing but sleep and kill, into very, very, very pretty people who are super-horny about their weird fetishes and yeah, I guess they want your blood, but what they really want is your girlfriend, homie. If you put fangs on everyone in The O.C. and set it a little further east, all it would take now is one "Welcome to the Transylvania, Bitch" to set off a cultural touchstone, now. It's cheap, stupid bullshit. Vampires—male and female alike—have been castrated of their fear-factor. Christopher Walken performing "Poker Face" is scarier than Twilight, the most famous vampire franchise of our time. Hell, Twilight fans are scarier than the vampires in Twilight. Just ask Robert Pattinson.

In this month's GQ, Tom Carson penned a essay sharing my distaste for what now passes for scary, compelling, and sexy, titled (naturally) "There's A Sucker Born Every Minute." While he enjoys True Blood for what it is, Carson closes by arguing that even zombies, undead as they are, are a smarter buy than vampires:

No wonder the bloodsuckers' main competition in pop circles is a renewed craze for zombies, the ultimate fantasy of mindless egalitarianism turned comic nightmare. Funny enough, they were always American: Defined a scant forty years ago by George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead, they could be the only genuinely original contribution to monster lore we've ever made. As a given-we may be dumb, but we've got working brains-zombies feed on their superiors. But I can't think of a vampire tale in which that's been true, which is the sickest reason we can sneakily imagine ourselves being one. Not exactly a pretty picture of our secret lives in 2009, is it? Go vampire or go zombie, America: It's your choice. Just don't say this great country doesn't offer you one.

Remember when teenage girls loved the Backstreet Boys in a narrative where Lou Pearlman was the villain? Anything that can remotely make those seem like The Days absolutely blows. Vampires are not the new gays. Vampires belong nowhere near the word "tampons." Vampires should not be a clever narrative eye-wink joke to those who adopt them as "bloodsuckers." Vampires are the most boring, dumbed-down, unsexy, overplayed, ridiculous narrative device out there. This used to be the stuff of good literature! Holler back, Vampire Archives scholar Otto Penzler:

All (teenage girl Twilight fans) are in love with the vampire. Why is that? Because he's cool. He has got good manners. He's good looking. He's thoughtful of his girlfriend. Whereas most teenage boys are lame. They're at the mall with their baseball caps on backwards and they act like idiots. Girls are looking for someone a little more sophisticated and a little cooler.

Right, well, that guy doesn't exist in 8th grade. And soon, when Twilight fans grow up, they'll realize that vampires' sense of "romance" was just the long-con to get in their pants; male, female, doesn't matter. But forget the perceptions, forget the implications on teenagers, forget the literary device. Forget all that stuff. There are just better stories out there. Bottom line. We've got better scaries in Rabbi Boteach and Glenn Beck and 3/4ths of Murray Hill past 2AM on a Thursday night than any vampire can ever give us.

Give me a break. Vampires are fuckin' stupid. I hope they die. Forever.

For months the build-up to the campaign has turned America's teenage girls into a pack of depraved junkies, refreshing their browsers with increasing rage looking for the latest tidbit of the film. Since the first Twilight film itself came out, Summit has doled out pieces of New Moon in tiny parcels, offering up stills from the film, three trailers, song lists from the soundtrack, soundtrack cover art, new posters, set photos data about the film's running time and of course relentless 24/7 coverage of every movement of stars Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner etc.

Like alleged pieces of the true cross floating across Europe in the middle ages, there may in fact currently be more artifacts of New Moon out there on the market than there actually is New Moon to hold them; by our calculations New Moon would have to be approximately 18 hours long to fit in all the pieces of New Moon that have found their way into the public space.

We have no doubt that once the public safety threat has been passed, Congress will want to investigate the fact that Summit entertainment has for the past year kept the teenage girls of America hovering over a precipice between sanity and raving bedlam. The campaign however, has brilliantly created not just one mega-PR event with the release of the film but turning the release of PR materials themselves into mega-events, with their own build-up, countdowns and launch parties — and making the tireless muckrakers of entertainment journalism their lackeys in the frenzy.

Take this week for instance. The big event in Twilight-land, still reeling from the launch of the New Moon soundtrack currently topping the iTunes charts, will be the release of a new clip from the film, to debut on Access Hollywood. The clip itself will presumably run about a minute, as past clips have. But building up to the release of that precious minute of footage, Access Hollywood received permission to preview the release of the clip; the clip which will preview the movie, running on their site an approximately three second slice of the minute to come.

The clip's release will be followed by blanket coverage on MTV and elsewhere of reaction to the clip's release and hundreds of hours of punditizing about where this leaves us as a Twilight-based society.

Someday these people will understand that they have toyed with forces beyond their power to control. But until then, all we as society can do is pray. And lock the doors.

• With just over a month before it returns to theaters, the Twilight onslaught begins today as the soundtrack to New Moon, the second film in the series, hits stores. With the pop/indie world's biggest bands all dying for a piece of the Twilight coattails, the album features an impressive line-up including original songs by Muse, Radiohead's Thom Yorke, Deathcab for Cutie and OK Go. The first soundtrack sold 2.3 million units and remains on Billboard's Top 100 a year after its release. [Variety]

• The weekend box office battle is shaping up as a fight between Spike Jonze's Where the Wild Things Are and viral phenom Paranormal Activity. Box office savants are predicting that Wild Things will ultimately take the crown, grossing in the 30 million range, while Paranormal should rake in a still-impressive-considering-it-was-made-for-nothing 20 million. [The Wrap]

• TLC is filing a breach of contract lawsuit against its ex-star Jon Gosselin, alleging that Gosselin violated his contract by taking paid jobs with other networks including Entertainment Tonight and The Insider. [LA Times]

• The advantage nature shows have over reality shows is you can show animals actually doing it and not have to cut away when things get intense. Fox is thus prepping a new wilderness reality channel to be called National Geographic Wild to replace the just killed Fox Reality Channel. [Variety]

• While the fate of NBC/Universal hangs in the balance, the picture suddenly got more complicated. Rupert Murdoch and Liberty Media's John Malone have both in recent days expressed interest in getting in the bidding, muddying Comcast's clear road to acquisition. [Hollywood Reporter]

On Esquire.com today, Stephen Marche tries to explain the surge in vampire frenzy (see the Twilight books and movies, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, and more) by saying it is fueled by girls' desires to bed down with their gay brothers.

Edward, the romantic hero of the Twilight series, is a sweet, screwed-up high school kid, and at the beginning of his relationship with Bella, she is attracted to him because he is strange, beautiful, and seemingly repulsed by her. This exact scenario happened several times in my high school between straight girls and gay guys who either hadn't figured out they were gay or were still in the closet. Twilight's fantasy is that the gorgeous gay guy can be your boyfriend, and for the slightly awkward teenage girls who consume the books and movies, that's the clincher.

It seems like Marche's argument has to do more with the awkward high school experience he remembers and less about how teenagers actually think today.

Many high school gay boys may still be the conflicted sexual messes of Marche's bad old awkward years. But kids are coming out younger and younger they are secure in their sexuality and not afraid to talk about it in high school. Teen girls are sad they won't go out with them, because their ideal boyfriend is one that will go shopping and watch Project Runway with them and not pressure them into sex. And because of social tolerance for homosexuality in high school hallways, this is becoming more of a reality.

Marche's essay does have one thing right, but the vampires in movies like Twilight and The Vampire Diaries and gay men are both desexualized in popular culture, but for different reasons. The young vampires are asexual because girls want someone who they can be in love with, but that won't pressure them into sex—someone who is almost attainable but won't threaten to drive a stake through their precious hymens. Gay men are robbed of anything erotic because the public as a whole still thinks that man-on-man action is "yucky." The 'mos are OK, as long as they're making bitchy quips about bad outfits, but as soon as they want to make out, they have to go back to their ghetto to misbehave.

Gay men are still considered monsters by many in society, but that certainly isn't the case for teen girls. They have been raised on a Queer Eye culture that certainly makes teen girls desire gay men, but not as playmates in bicurious spin the bottle. They want an "accessory gay"—just like every Real Housewife—the kind that populate countless television make over shows. Even America's Next Top Model co-host Miss J Alexander won a Teen Choice Award in the "Fabulous" category. Your petite princess' pocket gay will tell her how fiiiiieeeerrrce she looks, let her bitch about boys, give her makeup tips, and never threaten her as the star of the show.

• It's a waiting game to see whether Vivendi will exercise its put option on its remaining 20 percent stake in NBC Universal, possibly sending the network studio hybrid into the fabled lands of IPO. While the anticipation mounts, Vivendi's chair said the company would take the next few months to make up its mind. [Variety]

• Oprah's Harpo Productions, Sam Mendes and Focus Features are teaming up to bring Joseph O'Neill's celebrated cricket pot-boiler Netherland to the big screen. [Variety]

• Spike Lee and Robert DeNiro announced plans to make a series about Alphabet City for Showtime. Alphaville will be an ensemble drama set in the 1980's. [Hollywood Reporter]

• With a mere two months until its release, pre-sales of tickets for New Moon the second installment of the Twilight saga have been brisk, with many locations reporting showings have already sold out. [Hollywood Reporter]

• What you won't read much about in the trades is the rumors about the trades themselves. Yesterday, Nikki Finke declared Variety was planning to take its website behind a pay wall and the Hollywood Reporter to cease publication entirely. The Wrap attempted to find the truth behind the rumors. It quotes a "high level" Reporter exec reacting "with amusement" to Finke's item, while Variety remained oblique about its online plans. [The Wrap]

Sorority Row's going up against some decent box office competition, including Inglorious Basterds, The Final Destination, and The September Issue. Dollars to donuts, Sorority Row's going to take the weekend, though, just because of the leigons of bloodthirsty (heh) Twilight fans looking to get their RobPatz fix while simultaneously seething with sadism over the existence of Kristen Stewart. Well, naturally, the trailer leaked to YouTube. Watch it in all of its sparkly vampire glory while you can:

Fuckin' vampires. H8U, vampires. H8U so much.