Disregarding the warnings of everyone from male fashion designers to male bloggers, a certain portion of American women every day force themselves into "Spanx," only to be faced with embarrassing situations like needing to pee, or wanting to get naked, and then having no choice but to duck into some nearby restroom like Clark Kent for the purpose not of donning a superhero outfit and rescuing helpless civilians from criminal forces, but for the purpose of unburdening themselves of the tight-fitting "Spanx" unobserved by anyone who might consider such a display to be awkward or, indeed, unattractive.

Furthermore, thanks to the vagaries of our capitalist system, various competitors who have observed the popularity of "Spanx" undergarments are now creating their own variation of the "Spanx" formula, namely, spandex tubes into which women are expected to climb, in order to appear very tightly constrained throughout the midsection, in what could be termed an outright deception, not to mention an unhealthy constriction of one's bodily vital fluids' ability to flow freely betwixt and between whichever organs our subconscious brain deems necessary and appropriate, based on its millenia of evolution.

We do not need "Spanx" in snakeskin prints. We do not need "Spanx" in new hues and tints. We do not need "Spanx" for wedding nor ball. We do not need "Spanx" at all.

On Tuesday, [Mayor Joe] Bernadini said the dress code is a way to bring more professionalism to the city, but he said the undergarment proviso was "a little far-fetched."

"I think in a way it takes away freedom of choice," Bernadini said.

Mayor Joe Bernadini, the average Brooksville, FL resident salutes you. My home state, ladies and gentlemen. Always progressing.
[Tampa Tribune. Pic via]

WSJ: Tell me about your lucky red backpack, which you wore to your first Spanx sales meeting at Neiman Marcus.

Ms. Blakely: It's just an old-fashioned Eastpack from the early 1990s. When I first cold-called Neiman Marcus to sell Spanx, my friends all begged me not to bring it and to buy a Prada bag instead, even if I had to return it the next day. It's my lucky bag, although I think seeing my butt [in Spanx] actually worked more than the backpack. I had no shame — I took the Neiman Marcus buyer into the bathroom, and as soon as I came out of the stall and she saw my pants [with the Spanx underneath], she said, I'll buy 3,000 pairs.

Remember: Always. Be. Closing. By using your butt.

WSJ: Ms. Paltrow is actually one of many actresses who has praised Spanx. Did you have a moment when you knew you had "arrived"?

Ms. Blakely: Actually, it would have to be when Gwyneth told the press she attributed her post-baby body [after the birth of daughter Apple] to Spanx, and said that all the celebrities wear them two pair at a time on the red carpet.

This is simply misguided. You want something even better than Spanx? Try THIS on for size, Gwyneth:

[WSJ. I am aware that nobody cares about my opinion on "Spanx."]

MOM'S DESIGN:

[via NYDN]

VICTORIA'S SECRET VERY SEX 100-WAY STRAPLESS CONVERTIBLE BRA:

While shooting a scene for The Ugly Truth with Gerard Butler, Katherine's character is reportedly ditched by her date outside a restaurant and, for some reason, isn't wearing anything below the waist at the time save for a pair of boy shorts. Though we haven't heard whether or not Heigl uses the opportunity to reenact everyone's favorite tighty whitie cameo perfected by Cruise when he was just a twinkle in Scientology's eye, we're admittedly impressed with Katherine's stems. With a body like that, we're officially more understanding of Kelley's willingness to be publicly emasculated time after time by his domineering wifey.

[Photo credits: Pacific Coast News via Daily Mail]

• BRIEF APPEARANCE: KATIE HEIGL CAUGHT WITH HER TROUSERS DOWN [Daily Mail]

Witness the strands of the thread come together into a bleak picture of the future. Armani is counting on huge billboards of metrosexual nominal soccer star David Beckham to boost its underwear sales in America by more than $100 million. Dolce & Gabanna is using naked images to sell underwear, a strategy whose logic resides only in the mind of the fashion elite.

Both of these campaigns are aiming to sell tightie whities, mind you. It's not like Calvin Klein trotting out Marky Mark to sell us slightly more fashionable boxers, simply providing men with one more place to show off a brand name. No, these companies want our underwear shrunken, white, and easily dirtied, so as to necessitate replacement more often. And they're succeeding. Selfridge's in London said that sales of briefs more than doubled after the Beckham ads started running. If it can happen there, it can certainly happen in LA.

Not even regular brands like Jockey are safe havens. That downmarket, everyman company is trying to pass itself off as an upscale choice to the poor people of India, and is even rolling out a "super-premium range" of underwear in the near future. So at the same time luxury briefs are coming in, our own cheap underwear is raising its standards. There are few places left to hide.

The most terrifying front of this war is Australia, where men are already so far gone that they are expected to enthusiastically purchase the forthcoming Wonderbum,"designed to plump the behinds of 'all the flat-arsed men out there.'" Well. It may already be too late for Australia. Here, according to The Age, are some actual hot-selling products that the male population there buys, as it climbs Ayers Rock with a pet dingo or whatever:

The Wonderjock, the "male equivalent of the Wonderbra."

The C-In2 Contour Pouch Brief with "profile-enhancing" Y-front. "Y" is for yuck.

The Cin2 Bamboo Mesh Racer Brief, for the Tarzan in you.

We beg you: do not allow yourself to be mesmerized by the perceived sexiness of these products. Think of the men. Underwear is one of our final refuges from the rampaging gods of luxury. America is not David Beckham; America is Ralph Kramden. And nobody wants to see Ralph Kramden's jock, wonder or otherwise.

[Agenda Inc.]

Aussiebum [Official site via AFP]