Gawker: unnecessary things

Hope There Are Songs In It!

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:06:29 EST

The wait is over: REO Speedwagon is now a video game.

There Is No Media Platform Which Meghan McCain Does Not Deserve to Dominate

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:30:40 EDT

In your willful Wednesday media column: Meghan McCain is the queen of all media, BusinessWeek's sale grinds on, Lou Dobbs catches a boycott, and you can finally find political opinions, on the internet.

Here's a whole article by the LAT's media critic about how Meghan McCain is the next big media superstar. I mean look, she has the famous name, the Twitter, the opinions about issue things, the TV shows, the internet, the tattoo, the youth, the rebel, and the politics stuff. Downside, she's dumb.

Your daily BusinessWeek update, whether you like it or not: With Wasserstein out of the running, looks like Bloomberg's gonna get it. Stay tuned for more daily BusinessWeek updates!

Now that Glenn Beck has been eradicated from the face of television through ad boycotts, some other non-Republican people are organizing a boycott of Lou Dobbs. Good luck to you haters.

The Atlantic's launched a new site that ranks the top 50 political pundits, making it the Mediaite list of drab political punditry, and equally useful. In a review, David Carr says he "generally gets his fill of opinions from his cab drivers." Well so does Thomas Friedman, and he's #4 on The Atlantic's list, so this site is still useful.

Privileged Elites Offer Each Other Helping Hands

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 10:08:10 EDT

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The players: Manhattan media playboy Jared Kushner's younger brother Joshua (pictured); Harvard students; rich people; and NYT faux-trend specialist Allen Salkin. It's a case where both an idea and the meta-coverage of the idea are equally enraging!

The idea is Unithrive, the almost sneeringly unnecessary privileged-people-helping-the-privileged online startup that allows "needy" (not really needy!) Harvard students to ask the idle rich for loans. So they don't have to ever work at all for one single minute!

"I have friends who would spend 10 hours a week when they are not in class working at a coffee shop or in the dorms," said Mr. Kushner, 24, referring to time that he considered wasteful. "I think the most special thing about college is not just what you do in class, but what you do out of class."

Haha, that money quote almost justifies the fact that Allen Salkin thought this god damn idea worthy of a full Sunday Styles section feature in the paper of record. But, buried deep, there's this:

So far, the alumni have lent about $4,500 to the nine students who have uploaded profiles.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Yea...that's less than Kushner would have had to pay to hire a PR firm to try to shop his little startup to, like, Inside Higher Ed. But he got a feature in the NYT for free! The real losers: the rest of the world.
[NYT]

Self-Publishing Is the New Real Publishing

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 10:29:48 EST

Feeling depressed because the recession and the internet are both killing the book publishing industry, and hurting your hopes for the big literary contract you deserve? Just self-publish! Every other jerk is.

You might think that the ease of internet publishing (your own stupid blog, free) and the recession (you have no money) would actually limit the number of people willing to pay out of their own pockets to get 100 copies "Bus Driver, Bus Driver, Spin Me A Rhyme: The Poetry of Jim Hendrickson, King of Muncie" pressed up. Not so! The self-publishing industry is positively flourishing. You probably have a book in you, yourself! What a life you've lived!

“It used to be an elite few,” said Eileen Gittins, chief executive of Blurb, a print-on-demand company whose revenue has grown to $30 million, from $1 million, in just two years and which published more than 300,000 titles last year. Many of those were personal books bought only by the author. “Now anyone can make a book, and it looks just like a book that you buy at the bookstore.”

That's great, just great. How democratic! Just look at the veritable musical and cultural renaissance that's emerged as a result of Myspace. Soon the self-architect and self-tightrope walker and self-haircut industries will take off as well, and we'll never need entertainment again! [NYT]

Tight Baggy Jeans Achieve Holy Grail Of Pants

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 15:16:48 EDT

These new jeans may be a turning point in the evolution of pants. It goes like this: first, baggy jeans came into style. People bought big pants and let them sag. Then, baggy pants slowly went out of style, and tight pants came into fashion. But still—people missed their baggy pants. Fast forward to this moment in time: a company called Soulful Commandoe has introduced jeans that are both tight and baggy at once. This breakthrough was apparently achieved through the addition of several vertical inches of fabric in the waist area, as well as the inclusion of some gratuitous suspenders. Truly a development that will go down in fashion history. Click through for some larger pictures [The Gluttony via Satchel of Gravel] of this Pants Pants Revolution:

Only Spending Can Save Our Fat Dogs

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:26:29 EDT

American dogs, like American people, are turning into a bunch of dumpy, couch-ridden fatties. But the pharmaceutical industry is rushing to the rescue! Slentrol, a diet drug for dogs, recently launched a new ad campaign [NYS] to convince guilty dog owners that what their mutt needs is chemicals, not a stick thrown a long way, over and over. Furthermore, some stern doggie personal trainers are warning about the dangers of "the wrong kind of exercise"—specifically, "uncontrolled play." Give those dogs a structured exercise program and diet drugs at once, foolish yuppies!

"What I tell every single owner is that the key to rehab and longevity is the right kind of exercise," the founder of a wellness and weight loss clinic for dogs, Jessica Waldman, said. "The wrong kind of exercise is uncontrolled play."
Fetching and frolicking — that kind of uncontrolled play? Isn't that exactly what most dogs need more of? "Oh no. No, no," Ms. Waldman, a vet, said. She has her canine clients running obstacle courses and jogging on an underwater treadmill. And then there's pooch Pilates — formerly known as "begging."

"When you teach a dog to beg, meaning you ask them to sit up, that's core abdominals," Ms. Waldman said. To further strengthen and tone, "We teach them how to go into sort of a 'down dog,' where their head is down toward the ground but their rear legs are up high."

Hopefully, she will be eaten by hungry dogs. Below is a video news release for Slentrol featuring one chubby pooch. Better diet idea: feed your dog less crap.

Roseanne Barr Discusses The Unspeakable

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:57:24 EDT

When we got this clip in an email titled "Roseanne Barr Vaginal Rejuvenation," we gagged and choked back a sudden upsurge of bile in our throat. And just retyping that now, for you, we've had to suppress the urge to upchuck once again. But it didn't seem right to keep this 30-second clip all to ourselves. It features portly loudmouth Roseanne on Craig Ferguson's talk show, discussing, you know, what we just said. She even makes what would be a decent joke coming from someone else, but with her saying it, it just seems totally unnecessary and uncalled for. If you do choose to watch the clip below, you'll have to go wash your brain off. Just try not to form a mental picture.

Luxury Armani Phones Identify Tasteful Suckers

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:50:22 EDT

If there's one thing a mobile phone does not need, it's a "Philosophy." If there's another thing a mobile phone does not need, it's a luxury brand above and beyond whatever the brand is of the actual phone manufacturer. Of course this means that today any asshole with $550 burning a hole in his pocket can buy a Samsung phone by Giorgio Armani. Has Armani suddenly hired a team of engineers who have built a revolutionary new microchip that maximizes the phone's performance? No, Armani has done what he does best: Print his name in little letters on the phone, then wildly increase the price. This type of product's success (still going strong after six months) says a lot about the human need for validation through conspicuous consumption. But more importantly, it says that any old nonsensical piece of marketing copy can now be passed off as a statement of "Philosophy":

Those of you who got your regular Samsung phones for free with a monthly plan are now morally superior to those who paid extra. Sorry.

[Hypebeast]