Gawker: Unnecessary things

Tight Baggy Jeans Achieve Holy Grail Of Pants

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 15:16:48 EDT

These new jeans may be a turning point in the evolution of pants. It goes like this: first, baggy jeans came into style. People bought big pants and let them sag. Then, baggy pants slowly went out of style, and tight pants came into fashion. But still—people missed their baggy pants. Fast forward to this moment in time: a company called Soulful Commandoe has introduced jeans that are both tight and baggy at once. This breakthrough was apparently achieved through the addition of several vertical inches of fabric in the waist area, as well as the inclusion of some gratuitous suspenders. Truly a development that will go down in fashion history. Click through for some larger pictures [The Gluttony via Satchel of Gravel] of this Pants Pants Revolution:

Only Spending Can Save Our Fat Dogs

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:26:29 EDT

American dogs, like American people, are turning into a bunch of dumpy, couch-ridden fatties. But the pharmaceutical industry is rushing to the rescue! Slentrol, a diet drug for dogs, recently launched a new ad campaign [NYS] to convince guilty dog owners that what their mutt needs is chemicals, not a stick thrown a long way, over and over. Furthermore, some stern doggie personal trainers are warning about the dangers of "the wrong kind of exercise"—specifically, "uncontrolled play." Give those dogs a structured exercise program and diet drugs at once, foolish yuppies!

"What I tell every single owner is that the key to rehab and longevity is the right kind of exercise," the founder of a wellness and weight loss clinic for dogs, Jessica Waldman, said. "The wrong kind of exercise is uncontrolled play."
Fetching and frolicking — that kind of uncontrolled play? Isn't that exactly what most dogs need more of? "Oh no. No, no," Ms. Waldman, a vet, said. She has her canine clients running obstacle courses and jogging on an underwater treadmill. And then there's pooch Pilates — formerly known as "begging."

"When you teach a dog to beg, meaning you ask them to sit up, that's core abdominals," Ms. Waldman said. To further strengthen and tone, "We teach them how to go into sort of a 'down dog,' where their head is down toward the ground but their rear legs are up high."

Hopefully, she will be eaten by hungry dogs. Below is a video news release for Slentrol featuring one chubby pooch. Better diet idea: feed your dog less crap.

Roseanne Barr Discusses The Unspeakable

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:57:24 EDT

When we got this clip in an email titled "Roseanne Barr Vaginal Rejuvenation," we gagged and choked back a sudden upsurge of bile in our throat. And just retyping that now, for you, we've had to suppress the urge to upchuck once again. But it didn't seem right to keep this 30-second clip all to ourselves. It features portly loudmouth Roseanne on Craig Ferguson's talk show, discussing, you know, what we just said. She even makes what would be a decent joke coming from someone else, but with her saying it, it just seems totally unnecessary and uncalled for. If you do choose to watch the clip below, you'll have to go wash your brain off. Just try not to form a mental picture.

Luxury Armani Phones Identify Tasteful Suckers

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:50:22 EDT

If there's one thing a mobile phone does not need, it's a "Philosophy." If there's another thing a mobile phone does not need, it's a luxury brand above and beyond whatever the brand is of the actual phone manufacturer. Of course this means that today any asshole with $550 burning a hole in his pocket can buy a Samsung phone by Giorgio Armani. Has Armani suddenly hired a team of engineers who have built a revolutionary new microchip that maximizes the phone's performance? No, Armani has done what he does best: Print his name in little letters on the phone, then wildly increase the price. This type of product's success (still going strong after six months) says a lot about the human need for validation through conspicuous consumption. But more importantly, it says that any old nonsensical piece of marketing copy can now be passed off as a statement of "Philosophy":

Those of you who got your regular Samsung phones for free with a monthly plan are now morally superior to those who paid extra. Sorry.

[Hypebeast]