After the nominal plea for privacy that will promptly be ignored by the press and the American public, Woods went on to lament the attention he's received ever since crashing his car and shaking loose a tree of secrets. All of those secrets are women, and we don't even know all their names yet. Still, Tiger is standing by his wife.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

Screw privacy! What kind of ladies Tiger like? Skinny, leggy, conventionally attractive women with long hair. He's not so picky about the color, but he's really into the length. It helps if they have an exotic name—even if it's Grubbs. All of his confirmed mistresses worked in Vegas nightclubs, so it seems that's where Mr. Woods goes to get his holes in one—especially at The Bank, which seems to be filled with deposits from Mr. Woods' millions.

Rachel Uchitel
Lives: Manhattan
Works: Director of VIP services at the Griffin nightclub
Fun Facts: Also had relationships with Derek Jeter and David Boreanaz. Has celeb attorney Gloria Allred on retainer. Her mother is a Florida socialite.
Outed By: National Enquirer.
Hotness: A solid 8 (out of 10)
TV Movie Casting: Jennifer Aniston

Jaimee Grubbs
Lives: Las Vegas
Works: Waitress at The Bank nightclub
Fun Fact: Yes, she was on VH1's Tool Academy. Claims to have 300 "sext messages" from Woods.
Outed By: Us Weekly for a tidy sum.
Hotness: 5
TV Movie Casting: Tila Tequila

Kalika Moquin
Lives: Las Vegas
Works: Marketing director for The Bank nightclub
Fun Facts: Throws an annual Vegas Prom event, and hosted about just about every club in town. She is one of the 31 most influential people in Las Vegas nightlife
Outed By: Life & Style
Hotness: 7
TV Movie Casting: Eliza Dushku

Elin Nordegren
Lives: Wherever Tiger is—except when he's in Vegas.
Works: Retired model, now professional Mrs. Woods
Fun Facts: Gave birth to Woods' daughter Sam in 2007 and son Charlie in 2009. She is Swedish and has a twin sister, Josefin.
Outed By: Marrying Tiger in 2004 after three years of dating.
Hotness: 9
TV Movie Casting: Jamie Priessly

Four Unnamed Others
Lives: Las Vegas, Orlando, and Verona, New York
Works: One is a marketing exec, the others just want a piece of Tiger.
Fun Facts: We're waiting to find out who these women are: one he took home from his favorite pick up joint, The Bank, in Vegas. Two others he took back to his room after meeting them at a casino in Verona, New York. The fourth was a girl he was feeling up in an Orlando bar.
Outed By: Us Weekly and TMZ
Hotness: We're reserving judgement.
TV Movie Casting: There's gotta be a part for Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta in there somewhere.

Us paid $150,000 for the Grubbs exclusive, according to our (unverified) tipster. The full story supposedly runs tomorrow, with the headline "Tiger Trouble." Our tipster also says that People didn't bid on her story, because "they are hoping to get first sit down with Tiger and don't want to piss him off!"

Makes sense! Email us if you know more. What we do know for sure: All these magazines are in a much better position than TMZ, which has been running breathless exclusives about all the trouble Tiger was in with Florida law enforcement, right up to the moment he received a big $164 ticket. TMZ commenters are mocking the site for its coverage. Heh.

That's right, Heidi could have read that she gave birth of her daughter, Lou Sulola Samuels (why doesn't she have more names?), while she was actually giving her daughter Lou Samuels.

Here's the timeline:

• Friday, October 9, 2:57pm: Radar Online is the first to report the news saying that she was born naturally at 1am on Friday.
• Friday, October 9, 4:18pm: Perez Hilton picks up the story with the Radar info, spreading it far and wide.
• Friday, October 9, 6:02pm: Us Weekly's website reports that Klum's rep confirmed the birth hasn't happened yet, but is imminent. Calls out Radar Online for getting the story wrong.
• Friday, October 9, 6:22pm: GossipCop, a website which policies the veracity of claims by gossip outlets, reports that the baby hasn't even been born yet.
• Friday, October 9, 7:46pm: Lou Samuels is born for real.
• Monday, October 12, 11:15pm: People.com runs the confirmation that the baby has been born. It runs a statement from babydaddy Seal with the real time of birth. It says the statement was released "Monday night."
• Monday, October 12, 11:31pm: Gossip Cop runs the official news along with Seal's statement.
• Monday, October 12, evening: Seal issues a statement that we've already read in People and on Gossip Cop.
• Tuesday, October 13, 7:37am: Radar Online runs an item about the birth saying, "When you're right — you're right. But we're not gloating. OK, we are!" They obliquely call out Us Weekly and say they never got the story wrong.

Yes, Radar, you did get the story right. Heidi gave birth to a girl and named her Lou Samuels. But since we all knew that she was pregnant with a girl for months, the fact that she gave birth to her was kind of an inevitability. While we're at it, Gawker has the big scoop: on October 9, 2010 Lou Samuels has her first birthday. We were the first to report it. The rest of you suck!

[Image via Getty]

We put the original tape up Monday afternoon. The tabs all go to press on Monday night so they can be out on the stands for Wednesday, so there were plenty of harried reporters working their Blackberries trying to get these stories together.

Of course, we've been waiting all day to run out and see just how they were going to handle this mess. The answer: some well, some horribly. Except with the people at People, they seemed to have dropped the ball altogether (or just don't give a fuck).

So this is how we handled the story. Take a look at how everyone else did, we judged them based on the size of the story, it's placement, if they got the details right, what additional reportage they did, and, of course, whether or not we got the credit for bringing the world one more piece of naked celebrity detritus.

Magazine: Us Weekly
Headline: McSteamy's Sex Tape Scandal
Page: 56
Size: Full spread
Details: Us leads the mood on the set of Grey's Anatomy (understandably tense) on the day the video went online. Gives a recap of the movie followed by a look into how it went public. Talks to Peniche's mother, who denies her daughter leaked the tape for some quick fame. Includes a "Who is Kari Anne Peniche?" sidebar.
Our Due?: We're mentioned by name and there are screencaps with our watermark.
Grade: A

Magazine: In Touch Weekly
Headline: Can Their Marriage Survive?
Page: 48
Size: Full spread
Details: Talks to a "friend" of Rebecca who says, "she wishes it had not happened." Duh. An "insider" says this was not their first threeway (PS—If threeways are involved, it doesn't seem like their marriage is in too much trouble). The rest of the article focuses on how Gayheart's hit-and-run accident affect her and how a prior picture leak made her "emotionally fragile." Includes a "Who is the Other Woman?" sidebar.
Our Due?: Screen caps with our logo, but no mention by name.
Grade: B+

Magazine: Star
Headline: Rub-a-Dub-Dub...Three in a Tub
Page: 39
Size: Full Page
Details: Basically just a recap of the video. However, an "insider" says that Dane was told by Grey's to clean up his partying ways "and this tape proves he hasn't done that."
Our Due?: Mentions both Gawker and Defamer by name with screen caps baring both logos. Double word score!
Grade: C

Magazine: Life & Style
Headline: Grey's Star's Shocking Sex Tape
Page: 39
Size: Third of a page
Details: A recap of the video along with a description of Peniche, and the statement from Dane and Gayheart's lawyer. There is a nice picture of Dane and a topless Gayheart
Our Due?: No mention.
Grade: F

Ok!
Missing in Action!

Us
"How He Tricked Her." If you care about The Bachelorette, then you may want to know that a body language expert found Ed Swiderski's eyes were full of lies. We don't care, so we don't want to know. Also inside: A source says that Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger are "100% seeing each other." The only reason they didn't say anything before was because he was seeing Jennifer Aniston at the same time, but wasn't as into her as she was into him. Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Splitsville. Also inside: When Jon Gosselin was home with the kids, he only played with them when the cameras were rolling. The rest of the time, he was smoking and talking on his cell phone. Jon complained to a group of photographers outside his house: "They think I'm messing around and not a good father, but I'm on my cell phone all day working, trying to make money and take care of my kids." Sparklevamp Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent three nights together in his hotel room. An insider says: "They're not boyfriend-girlfriend exactly, but they've definitely hooked up." And the guy who plays Bella's dad says: "If they want to date each other, fine! Look, when you're that age, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to date people you probably shouldn't date. It's all part of the growing process." See, Twilight is real, and he's afraid Sparklevamp is gonna bite Kristen. Lastly: Jessica Simpson is turning to alcohol to deal with her breakup. She was smashed at Ken Paves' birthday party! Who among us has not gotten drunk at our hairdresser's bash? Ooh, and a source says John Mayer has naked pictures of Jessica on his cell phone, and showed his friends at lunch.
Grade: F (disemvoweling)

In Touch
"Angelina Humiliates Brad."
At the Hollywood premiere of Inglourious Basterds, Angelina "literally hogged the spotlight" from Brad, "making him look foolish." She was wearing a strapless leather cocktail dress, "and completely upstaged Brad." If she hadn't gone, the headline would have been: ANGIE ABANDONS BRAD. But since she showed up, there are six pictures of the two of them, with commentary like "Their tense arrival" and "Angelina won't stand back." (Fig. 1) There's also a picture of Angelina in her black strapless leather dress next to an image of Jennifer Aniston's Elle cover, where Jen is also wearing a black leather strapless dress and the subhead reads, "Angelina Stole Jen's Look!" Another spread has a collection of pictures in which Brad is made out to be an exhausted, heavy-drinking slob now that Angie is in his life. During their relationship, "He's gone from hot to haggard." And! In the table of contents, it says, "Angelina's Wearing Brad Down." (Fig. 2) Also inside: "They Look Like Mr. T!" (Fig. 3) Lastly: Ellen Pompeo is having a girl, if you care.
Grade: F (Morse code)

Life & Style
"They're Back On!"
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shared a hotel room at Chateau Marmont from August 6 to August 8, and were spotted hanging out at various events all weekend. They were photographed separately taking smoke breaks on the room's balcony. The mag claims they had dinner on the hotel's back patio and were holding and kissing. A witness says: "The alcohol helped him shed his inhibitions and they could hardly keep their hands off each other toward the end of the evening." Though the cover says "Robert confirms he's dating Kristen," this is what they mean by that: Apparently New Moon costar Nikki Reed said something like "I saw the pictures [of you and Kristen]. I thought you were going to keep it secret" to Rob on an Alaska Airlines flight, and he said, "keep your voice down." Not exactly a "confirmation." Also inside: Kim Kardashian has dyed her hair — and eyebrows — honey blond. She says: "I definitely needed a change in my life… I have this whole new outlook and personality. It had transformed my attitude." Kate Hudson's biological father, Bill Hudson, is using the magazine to try and send messages to Kate. Moving on: "Khloé: I'm Not On Cocaine." This is a teaser for Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami, where you'll see that Khloé has coke in her bag. But she has a good reason! Lastly, Heidi Montag says: "I'm not wearing anything in the Playboy pictures. My skin is my accessory."
Grade: D (semaphore)

Star
"Divorce!"
The only source in this Sarah Palin "shattered marriage" story is Mercede Johnston, Levi' sister. She says Sarah and Todd are fighting all the time, and Todd ends up sleeping on the couch. Bristol used to tell Levi that Sarah and Todd would argue over the smallest things, like whose turn it was to do the dishes, and sometimes Todd would take off for days to his cabin in Eureka to get away from all the tension. Let's just remember that Mercede is 17 and is talking about her brother's ex-girlfriend's parents. She also says that after Bristol got pregnant, Todd and Sarah were yelling at each other a lot. Um, yeah. An Alaskan blog The Immoral Minority ran a headline: "Sarah And Todd Palin Are Splitsville." The blog claimed that Sarah had purchased land in Montana and was considering relocating there with the kids. Plus! After a fight, Sarah threw her wedding ring into Lake Lucille. An insider says the couple might come to a financial agreement for Todd to stay with Sarah and "give the impression of a loving husband" — at least through her book tour next year. Related: 15-year-old Willow Palin was caught on video drinking vodka (with a chaser of Mountain Dew) and taking a hit off of a joint at a party. Also inside: Like us, Star now watches for Photoshop of Horrors (Fig. 4). Unsolicited uterus update: Pénélope Cruz "bump alert" picture shows a very small baby "bump." Blind item: "Which singer is such a diva that she wears bright red lipstick to bed? She recently made her hubby go out at 10pm to get a replacement tube of her favorite shade." More about Kristen and Rob's "Hot Hotel Hookups!" The story begins thusly: "When Robert Pattinson's room is rocking, don't come knocking." Rob Pattinson had a guitar delivered to his hotel room so he could serenade Kristen Stewart. The magazine asks: Did Rob put a ring on it already? Kristen was seen wearing a ring on THAT finger. Gosselin news: "It's All-Out War!" They're doing things to annoy each other: Kate threw out Jon's favorite grill and most of his favorite shirts, except for one "special" Ed Hardy shirt, which she slashed with scissors and left out for him to see. She's been threatening to get rid of his tractor. She put up a no smoking sign and taught the kids to chant "smoking kills," and she taunts Jon by saying he's fat and ugly. Jon's been leaving cigarette butts lying around the house, and Kate's sensitive about her age, so he calls her "granny" to see if he can make her cry. Next: True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård played a suicidal transvestite named Geert in a 2006 indie flick, check out a pic (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jessica Simpson is planning to write a multi-million dollar tell-all, which will spill details about her ex-boyfriends and her "love luggage" — her weight. Tony Romo liked her to dress up as a cheerleader, but with garter belts, stockings and high heels. And he'd bring food into the bedroom. John Mayer would talk baby talk in bed and was always begging her to experiment — he wanted her to go to sex parties "just to look." Jess might reveal how she fell for Dane Cook while filming Employee Of The Month "when he made her laugh so hard he made her pee her pants on the set." And! A source says: "She'll probably write about one wild night she had with Jude Law in New York, and how close she came to being his baby mama."
Grade: C- (braille)

Fig. 1 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

The video is from way back in 1999 when the star was dancing for a strip show called Male Review. Don't worry, he was 18 at the time, so the Feds won't come knocking if you watch it. Luckily for "Chan Crawford," as he was then called, there was no nudity in the show, because if there was Cindy Adams would be making judgements.

Wenner sent out this memo to his staff late yesterday afternoon. It seems designed to quash the gossip and speculation about whether Steele is, in fact, Janice Min's replacement, or just a placeholder until Wenner can find someone he likes better. Though as with all Wenner employees, he's only one Jann mood swing away from doom at any given time.

Dear Us Staff:

I want you to join me in congratulating Mike Steele in his promotion to acting editor in chief.

As you know, Mike has been an integral part of making Us Weekly successful, working side-by-side with Janice for more than five years. He is a quiet and steady presence who has proven adept at both editing and managing, and certainly by this point he's more than used to having the reins turned over to him when Janice is away. Contrary to any speculation out there, Mike is my one and only choice. He has my full vote of confidence.

More important, rest assured, this magazine works, and there are no plans for radical change: We will be reporting newsstand numbers the same as last year's for this half to ABC (a huge accomplishment when all our competitors are down double-digits); additionally, Us Weekly has maintained a very strong ad position in the marketplace. The growth of our website is extraordinary - 6.6 million unique visitors for the month of May. All in all, everything is humming, I have full confidence things will continue on course, and I ask you to join me and Mike in making that happen.

Thanks for all your continued hard work, and I'm looking forward to even more success.

Jann

[Pic: Getty]

Hoda Kotb is speaking out on her job and stuff! She was rejected 27 times before she landed her first TV job 20 years ago. She was a Tri-Delt in college! "With Kathie Lee, she's insane — completely insane," Hoda says, speaking the truth. Is that why you drink, Hoda? We like you!


John Koblin reminds us that this is not the first time that Conde Nast has called in the dreaded McKinsey consultants, to kill people on its staff:

Back in 2001, Condé Nast had hired McKinsey to help streamline the company's finance and human-resource divisions and develop a back office for employees in Delaware. That was a time when Condé Nast was blooming into a grown-up company. This time …"It's worse," said a source.

Mercy! Apparently all of Conde Nast headquarters is currently a den of backbiting and stress. Uh, more than usual. Our survival guide seems more important now!


NPR has cruelly conned Jonathan Shia, one of its interns a guy they asked to write for their intern blog, into writing a tearjerking blog post about why he decided to enroll in Columbia Journalism School this fall, which is a horrible financial mistake. "For my part, at least, it's an expression of perhaps naïve optimism, a faith that journalism can never possibly cease to exist. Will there ever come a day when we have no interest in the world around us? Will we become so solipsistic that we no longer care about anything besides ourselves?" Please. Most journalists—particularly in Washington—become more interested in themselves the more successful they become. It's the goal to which journalists aspire.
Of the rise of the internet, Jonathan says: "I view this transformation with regret in part because I am old-fashioned and can think of nothing better than waking up to the morning newspaper outside my door...The vast majority of online writing-and I speak here with personal experience-is of a slapdash, ephemeral nature, created quickly with the explicit intention of a limited shelf life." You are too young to be old-fashioned, Jonathan. It is not mathematically possible. Or maybe it is? We haven't "fact-checked" because such things are optional on the internet, because hey, here today, gone tomorrow.
That's free advice that the J-school types won't tell you. Instead, they'll tell you horrible, nonsensical lies like this: "as my old editor told me, now is not only the worst time to go to journalism school, but also the best." It is not too late to withdraw, Jonathan. Because while you might spend all that money and come out without any career prospects, your old editors do have a career prospect: J-School professor. Don't encourage them.


Janice Min left Us Weekly and now she is talking about it! She denies that money was a factor in her decision to leave, and also denies that she's going into TV for her next gig. Mike Steele has been named her (apparently interim) successor, but she refuses to speculate on who might be his successor, if there is one. So if Janice Min goes on to a higher-paying job in TV, remember this day.

Here's the text of the memo sent to Us Weekly staffers:

Dear Us Staff,

After six years as the editor of Us Weekly, I am leaving. In short, I
decided it was time to try something else in my life, do a little Gosselin
detox and occasionally go out on Monday nights. There are no immediate
plans, except to enjoy the month of August, take some tennis lessons, and
maybe finally edit my wedding album.

With more certainty, I can say that it has been an immense privilege working
with every last one of you here. What we've done with this magazine is
unprecedented — you have helped make Us Weekly into one of the greatest
success stories in publishing history. Back in 2003, the year many of you
started with me,the magazine's rate base was 1 million; now it is nearly
double that at 1.9 million; we didn't have a website until recently, and now
it's one of the biggest entertainment websites with more than 6 million
unique visitors a month (up 328 percent in just one year!). Along the way
the magazine has received countless accolades - among them Ad Age's Magazine
of the Year and Top Performer of the Decade by Cappell's Circulation Report.
Most significantly, you've made Us Weekly into a phenomenal buzz machine,
synonymous with all things pop culture and celebrity. In Chasing Cool,
author Gene Pressman of Barneys devotes a section lauding Us Weekly. He
calls our magazine "the iPod of its industry," adding, "like crack on
newsprint, it made an entirely dormant segment into a monster loyal
audience." Indeed, it's always been one of the most gratifying things about
working here: to toil for a magazine not in vain, but for one that 13
million people actually read every week.

Last year, the LA Times said, "It's Us Weekly's world, we just live in it."
And now I will be just a spectator looking in. But I speak from the heart
when I say thank you for all you've done: the endless hours, never saying no
to any request, and for being all around fun, kind and generous people with
whom to spend my days and nights. I've never worked with such a fiercely
talented, dedicated, collegial and quality group of people. You made being
here pure joy and sorely will be missed.

Now, please join me in congratulating executive editor Mike Steele in his
promotion to interim editor in chief. Mike will be returning early from his
vacation on Wednesday to begin work.

As for me, my last day will be some time next week - and hopefully we will
have some kind of celebration (that doesn't involve Sterno!).

All best,
Janice

Min's future plans are unknown at this time, but she hinted to the New York Times that she might be considering a career change:

"As long as I'm here, I can't really even begin to think about what I'm going to do next," she said. "But I'm 39 and I'd like to have another career. I felt like I'd done every possible thing at US Weekly to make it successful."

P6 says that Min is "sick of the weekly grind," or possibly just figures that she can't possibly get another contract as big as her current $2 mil per year one, so she's leaving.

[A Wenner Media insider we talked to wouldn't comment on Min's future per se, but said that Us Weekly itself is doing fine, with annual revenue "estimated to be well over $300 million." They also disputed P6's assertion that Life & Style has outsold Us. And while P6 floats the name of former Min deputy Colleen Curtis as a possible successor for Min, our source says that Curtis was fired, and would never be selected as Min's successor. Backbiting-y!]

The more interesting part is that Min is allegedly in LA meeting with TV execs to figure out her next gig. You are playing the deadliest game, Janice!

Min has been at the helm of Wenner Media's Us Weekly since 2003, when Bonnie Fuller left to run Star magazine for more than $2 million a year. Fuller now works for a Web site.

A WEB SITE. Do you want to end up like that, Janice? A hobo with a laptop, desperately spouting random words about "celebrities?" For not even a lot of money, we mean? No, you do not. Janice Min was one of the last incredibly blessed individuals fortunate enough to land a multimillion-dollar magazine editing gig. It is quite possible that neither she, nor any other celeb mag editor who lived through the best of times, will ever top that. Once upon a time, after Talk magazine folded, Tina Brown also mentioned that she had plans to go out to LA and climb into the glamorous world of TV. Well. Where is Tina Brown today?

Running a web site. Watch out, Janice. Three is a trend.

OK!
"$100 Million Or The Kids!" This is an eight page story, but the only "news" we learned is that IF Debbie Rowe doesn't try to get custody of Michael Jackson's kids, she COULD get $100 million. But! IF she does seek custody, she COULD get $50-$100 million to keep the kids in the style to which they are accustomed. Moving on: Just so you know, this is the "Summer Of K-Rod." Meaning Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez. Robert Pattinson is so stressed out by stalkery fans that he has "retreated into his own private world." This means the crew of Remember Me has "essentially stuck Rob in a box, constructing a seven-foot high enclosure from material screens where the actor retreats between takes." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston has a "high school crush" on Bradley Cooper. She's not worried by the fact that he recently went on a date with Renée Zellweger — a pal says: "It looks like Needy Edie is throwing herself all over him. We joke about how Renée's face stopped moving a few years ago. I doubt Jennifer will see her as competition."
Grade: F (bombed building full of rubble)

Life & Style
"It's Over!" If you believed that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were actually dating, then you may believe that he has dumped her for Emilie de Ravin. Though a Remember Me insider says: "I haven't seen any overt flirting between Robert and Emilie on the set." Yawn. The story titled "Britney's Revenge" has the subhead: "The singer's in the best shape of her life, while ex Kevin has packed on weight." "Michael's Worst Nightmare" is that the kids will have exposure to Joe Jackson. Except in the same damn paragraph, it says, "He's always been allowed to see his grandchildren." So the only cause for concern would be Joe exploiting the kids for financial gain, not that there's any evidence of that. Some "prominent" citizens of the city — including two Tulane professors — want Brad Pitt to be the new mayor of New Orleans. Will he run? Twelve days after going on a dinner date with Jennifer Aniston, Bradley Cooper went to dinner with Renée Zellweger (with whom he's working on a movie). There was no "Dr. Rey's Casebook" this week. Lastly, Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist! The singer inked a tiny umbrella with an R on the handle for him and two other guys at the tattoo shop (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (burned, charred house)

In Touch
"Explosive Tell-All Book" So. Ian Halperin, who's been writing an unauthorized biography of Michael Jackson for a while, is leaking all kinds of crap from his book. The book alleges that Michael liked having sex with men — not boys — and once picked up a construction worker in Las Vegas. There are also some weird pictures of Neverland— taken in 1993 — in which there are male mannequins posed in a room like they are talking to each other. Moving on: "Who Looks Better For Their Age?" Has John Mayer, Kristin Davis and Ellen Page as winners (Fig. 2). Did you know that Lourdes Got braces? (Fig. 3) Oh, look, our LEAST FAVORITE KIND OF STORY: "Cellulite Hits Stars Younger Than Ever!" Over six pages, the mag tries to shame Lauren Conrad, Hilary Duff, Jamie Lynn Spears and Mischa Barton for having dimples on their thighs. The mag talks to docs who blame cellulite on partying, having a baby, genetics and being thin (!!). Though one doctor says: "The thighs, butt and hips are genetically programmed to store fat." Groundbreaking. Angelina is "escaping" to France, where she will stay with the kids while Brad Pitt travels to Indonesia and Brazil for film projects. The mag spins this story as though Angie needs to spend time alone, instead of "Brad has work to do." Lastly: "Who Wore It Better? Kids' Special!" Seriously, they've got children competing for best dressed. And naturally, Suri Cruise wins her category (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (flooded home)

Star
"Inside Their Shattered World." This is by far, the sleaziest of the rags, with cover lines like "Who Will Be Our Mom?" and "Coroner: Michael Wanted To Die." A family friend says that the kids' isolated life has left them socially awkward, and they don't know how to act around anyone who is not family, a nanny or a bodyguard. Sometimes they even revert to infantile behavior like thumb-sucking or clinging to security blankets. A psychologist who does not treat them says, now that their father has died, "The kids could become very anxious and depressed." OBVIOUSLY. An eyewitness who was in the emergency room when Michael was brought in says that she overheard a female official from the coroner's office tell a cop: "The Jackson family strongly believes that Michael wanted to die. The family said he was very depressed for a long time, and they wanted to know what he used to kill himself." Ugh. Ugh! Then there's a quote from a "source" close to Michael, who says: "He wrote suicide notes, and then tore them up. He even kept one with him." His past as an abused child and his depression were what he discussed in the note. Allegedly. Moving on: Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reconnected over his support of her adoption of Mercy. "Flirt Alert!" Lance Bass and Dustin Lance Black — screenwriter of Milk — met in a VIP section of an NYC club. They talked! They danced! Dustin left at midnight; Lance "slipped out ten minutes later." Johnny Depp has a whole room in his London house devoted vampires, which he uses to relax, meditate and be alone. Oh snap: Miley Cyrus's best friend Mandy Jiroux is hooking up with Miley's ex Justin Gaston. Brad Pitt got an ultimatum from Angelina Jolie! An insider says that after his Moneyball shoot was canceled, "Angelina sat him down at the kitchen table and sternly told him, 'You must be with me this summer — it's not an option.'" She threatened to leave him if he said no, but Brad had an ultimatum of his own! He wants to settle down in one place, and can't stand the constant globe-trotting. Whatevs. Kate Gosselin wants her twins, Cara and Mady, to be the next Mary-Kate and Ashley. A rep for the Gosselins contacted a record label to talk about the possibility of the twins making a children's album. Kate wants them to have toys, clothing and TV shows. Did Anna Paquin and True Blood's Stephen Moyer hook up before he'd broken up with his girlfriend of seven years — who is also the mother of his child? He says he and Anna had chemistry from the start, and that they tried to keep things professional as long as they could, but it was "unstoppable." Lastly: Continuing with the sleaze, there's a story about a fight at Farrah Fawcett's funeral — Griffin O'Neal, who was banned from the ceremony, showed up anyway.
Grade: D+ (structure infiltrated by toxic mold)

Us
"Truth About His Kids." A friend of dermatologist Arnold Klein visited Michael and the kids Christmas 2008 — along with Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher. The mag has the pictures to prove it! Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher are friends, and Michael's kids love Star Wars, so Michael introduced her to his children as "Princess Leia." And she did the "help me Obi-Wan" speech for them! This magazine also claims that Debbie Rowe once admitted that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of his children — and didn't want to have biological kids — because he was afraid of giving them vitiligo. And Debbie Rowe said she married MJ "to prevent the taboo of having a child out of wedlock." A source says that Rowe knew MJ was a drug addict, but didn't care, as long as it didn't hurt the kids — but did want the nanny to be present 24 hours a day. There's also some weird stuff about the Nation of Islam and Michael Jackson's secret Nazi memorabilia. And! Another source says Michael was "as addicted to eBay as he was to drugs." He'd get high and stay up all night buying things. WHO DOESN'T? By the by, Debbie Rowe claims she slept with Brad Pitt before he was famous. And Michael Jackson was angry with Justin Timberlake because in 2001, they were staying at the same hotel, and JT was having "really loud sex" with then-girlfriend Britney Spears. Michael sent a security team to make them go quiet down. Diana Ross was "shocked" when she found out that she's named as back-up guardian in the will, because she thinks her kid-raising days are behind her. Sigh. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan turned down a role in The Hangover because she thought the script had "no potential." Or maybe she didn't want play a stripper. Again. Lastly: If you love sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson, you'll love these outtakes from a Rolling Stone shoot that never got published. A sampling? Sure! (Fig. 5)
Grade: C (termites in foundation)

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OK!
"Tragic Death." The mag chose a cover image that some are calling "ghoulish" and a "disgrace," especially since Michael Jackson may already be dead in the photo. Some advertisers may be pissed and there's talk of a boycott. Inside you'll find a standard collage of old and new Michael Jackson photographs. Also inside: Kristen Stewart has dumped her boyfriend Michael Angarano, according to a source, which means she COULD date Robert Pattinson, but she doesn't want to rush into another relationship. YAWN. One spread in the "news" section is called "The Many Faces Of Johnny Depp" and is just pictures of characters he has played. News? Really?
Grade: F (pulled away by rip tide)

Life & Style
"Who Killed Michael." The headline inside is "Drugs, Anorexia and Missing Millions," and you'll find a typical sensationalist story: the family thinks drugs were being used to manipulate Michael; there might have been millions stolen from him; he kept saying that he owed people money and people would kill him if he didn't do the London concerts. On and on, bullshit. Moving on: Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are "competing" for Jennifer Aniston. During a late night shoot on Bounty Hunter, Jen was getting really "chatty" with Gerard, and a source says "Gerard was getting really close to her on the escalator." Um, it's an escalator. How far apart can two people be? Also, Gerard is "just like" Brad Pitt because they "wear similar hats," "they love their bikes," they've got great bodies," and they both wear aviator sunglasses. In a story about how Kate Gosselin might raise her kids alone, there's a sidebar on Jon Gosselin, in which the magazine spells his name with an H (we circled it in yellow for you) and prints the headline, "John Trades The Kids For Booze, Money And Women." (Fig. 1). Kendra Wilkinson had "wedding dress drama" when days before the ceremony, she discovered that her dress didn't fit! Her boobs were too big, because she is three months pregnant, "I had to get my whole dress redone," she explains. Britney Spears would like her agent/boyfriend Jason Trawick to move in with her at the end of her tour. Jacqueline of RHONJ clears up what Caroline was accusing Danielle of doing to Dina in the reunion special, saying: "Danielle was trying to harm Dina by giving her ex-husband a phone number that might give him leverage in the custody of their daughter Lexi." Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be "taking a break" since they have not been photographed together since May 31 and a source says, "I think they might be over." Robert Pattinson's aunt speaks to the magazine and says: "I don't think it would be a good idea for Robert to be in a serious relationship with Kristen. How can he live his life with a fellow star with their every move being watched, just like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?"
Grade: D- (jellyfish sting)

Star
"52 Best & Worst Beach Bodies!"
Some of the "best" include 15-year-old Ali Lohan, perennial fave Kim Kardashian, and Julia Roberts. Worsts? Kate Gosselin, Stephanie Seymour and Helena Christensen — the latter two have cellulite. Moving on: According to this magazine, Janet Jackson should get the kids because Katherine Jackson is too old and "it's what Michael would have wanted." Although the cover says "Janet Fights For Michael's Kids," it appears to be a lie — there is no information ANYWHERE indicating that Janet has gotten involved or wants the kids. Next: Justin Ross Lee, "an up and coming Facebook celebrity," sat next to Ashley Olsen on an airplane, took pictures of her sleeping and apparently sold the story to Star. It's a Star "exclusive." Disney Star Selena Gomez has a mole on her chest and if the 16-year-old star tries on a dress with a neckline low enough that the beauty mark can be seen, her mom nixes it. Says the mom: "I'm on constant mole patrol." James Haven — brother of Angelina Jolie — has a license plate which reads "Shilloh," because that was his nickname as a kid. Angie named her daughter after him, in a way. Lindsay Lohan went to get a manicure and had no cash on her, and no credit cards; she let another customer pay the bill for her. Blind item! "Which funnylady is a fan of those funny-smelling cigarettes? Tongues were wagging when she showed up half-baked at an industry dinner in L.A. on June 19th." In an interview with Robert Pattinson's exes, we learn that he was "amazing" in bed and that his first girlfriend now works in a slaughterhouse in New Zealand. Kevin, the ex-husband of RHONJ's Danielle Staub, claims that Danielle brought up "the book" to producers before the show. After she made the plea deal so she wouldn't go to prison, she started receiving anonymous threatening phone calls — possibly from the drug dealers she'd ratted out — and was talking about maybe going into the witness protection program.
Grade: D (mangled and tumbled by six foot waves)

In Touch
"Gone Too Soon."
To accompany this classic, retro cover straight out of 1984, there are two long stories about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, PLUS A PULL-OUT POSTER with Michael on one side and Farrah on the other. Margaret is totally hanging it in her locker. (Fig. 2a, 2b) Also inside: Lindsay Lohan wears $2,165 ripped jeans. (Fig. 3). Madonna and Mercy look cute together! (Fig. 4). Did Stephanie Pratt have a nose job (Fig. 5)? Is Britney "unraveling" again? Recently she went shopping and changed her outfit in every store. Then, in London, she "tearfully shut herself into a closet" and "her assistant had to coax her out by promising to buy her tacos." Kate Gosselin is "flabby" now that the divorce is getting to her. Or wearing a different cut of bathing suit? Bradley Cooper is "going to break Jen's heart" because the night before their date, we was out with Lake Bell and "had his hands all over her legs." Check out Style Network star Ruby's "first fashion shoot" ever, on page 85 (Fig. 6). Lastly, a spider monkey named Coco announces that she likes bananas, grapes and swings, and is the 4th of the Girls Next Door (Fig.7).
Grade: C (sunburn)

Us
"His Final Days."
Margaret says this is the best Michael Jackson story she has read all week. Instead of the recapped/CNN stuff the other magazines are printing. The mag talks to Michael's former bodyguard, who says that MJ was often over-medicated and "I would have to literally lift him up and carry him back to the car or back to his room." Michael had a fall-out with his former best friend, illusionist Uri Geller, because Geller tried to tell him he was taking too many painkillers and anti-depressants — Michael couldn't accept someone confronting him, because he's used to getting his way. A family source says that Michael's usual schedule was to sleep until late in the afternoon and stay up all night, but when he started rehearsals for the tour, it "totally screwed up his system." He started using stimulants in order to get up early for the rehearsals. There's another story in the mag about Michael's "Life As A Dad" with tons of previously unseen pictures of his kids. Plus, there's deep insight as to what the kids' lives were like. Sources say the kids were very intelligent and fairly normal. Michael would get down on his knees on the floor and change Blanket's diaper. Michael made a big deal out of Christmas, because growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, he wasn't allowed to celebrate. But a photographer says that his wacky behavior did affect the kids: He was paranoid that someone was trying to poison the kids, and at hotels, there would be a long list of stuff they couldn't eat. When they stayed in fancy hotels, Michael would go in and baby-proof everything — like go in and put cardboard and tape on all sharp edges of the furniture. The kids were home-schooled in a classroom at Neverland that had blackboards, textbooks and desks, and the children had to wear matching uniforms to school. They had instructors, but Michael also handled some of the lessons: He taught them African-American history, music and art. There's also information on the biological father of the kids, dermatologist Arnold Klein. Plus: Did you know that Katherine Jackson and Joe Jackson don't live together? She lives in L.A. and he lives in Vegas. Also inside: Kanye West has been interning at the GAP's offices in NYC. "He works all the time, and one Friday night recently, he stayed until 12 am. He's learning the fashion business from the inside and trying to do it quietly." Jennifer Garner hates Ben Affleck's ex, Gwyneth Paltrow! She's annoyed that Gwyneth sends her kids to Violet's school… but only for a few weeks a year, which "messes up the dynamics of the class." Lastly, there are six pages of "official photos" from Kendra Wilkinson's wedding — she was bumped off the cover by the death of MJ. Margaret found the wedding, which took place at the Playboy Mansion, to be a "shockingly classy affair." Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt were among the bridesmaids, and Hef and his three new girlfriends were in attendance. Hef danced with Kendra to "As Time Goes By." Fatherly!
Grade: B- (sand in crotch of swimsuit)

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And we were right, mostly! Julia found, by handily charting the mammoth volume of Us Weekly covers for the past three years, that indeed our interest in bigtop celebs seems to have waned, while we've all become mordantly fascinated with regular people who went fucknuts out of their minds and decided, against all reason, to sign reality show contracts.

Well, OK, actually the news is even more heartening than that! We're paying more attention to classic movie stars again, and, sadly, more attention to Jons & Kates. But! The brief reign of the Paris Hiltons and Kim Kardashians of the world—those who were famous for vague, unknowable reasons—looks to be coming to an end.

Good for us! Also, shame on us.

Thanks to Julia for the painstaking work.

Hey, it's a tabloid war! Not a real one—a celebrity tabloid war. Us Weekly ran a two page spread making fun of In Touch for its long history of wrong Brangelina stories. In Touch was like "Whatevs, thanks for the free publicity, LOL, LYLAS!" They added, "Got another fake Brangelina story to write, GTG!"


Both Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper have seen their shows pull in the lowest ratings of the year in the past week. At the same time, Meet The Press also got its lowest ratings since David Gregory took over. You know what this means: David Gregory is gay.


Design magazine I.D. has hired a new editor, because its entire three-person editorial staff left to start their own company. Only one will survive! Or at least that would make the whole thing more dramatic. And, the London style magazine i-D is cutting back to six issues per year. Get a new name people!


North Korea now says that it will put Euna Lee and Laura Ling, the American freelancers for Current TV, on trial next month for "hostile acts," like entering North Korea. "Under North Korea's criminal code, a person convicted of hostile acts against the state faces at least five years in a labor camp." Delta Force now, please.

Ok!
This mag can't really be called a tabloid anymore. They've been threatening to change, then everyone got fired and things are not the same. Instead of gossip, it's all fashion, makeup, diet tips, pictures and stuff like Dita Von Teese's fave cocktail and an interview with Padma Lakshmi about her jewelry line. Is it "Elle Weekly," as they described? Not exactly. But there's no juicy "news."
Grade: N/A (disqualified from game)

In Touch
"38 Best And Worst Beach Bodies." There are seven pages of celebs in swimsuits. Guess who the mag says "could use a little work"? Lindsay Lohan; Kate Hudson, whom they accuse of "flaunting her curves,"; Katherine Heigl, who "has cellulite" on her "lumpy butt"; and tennis champ Serena Williams [Fig. 1]. In a "Beach Body Showdown," Beyoncé beats Britney, because of her "star quality" thanks to her "chiseled abs." Moving on. In a poll of who should be the black James Bond, Will Smith won, but Diddy, Idris Elba and Jamie Foxx were all in the running. Diddy says, "I think James Bond should be sent on a mission to New York. He should meet me: black Bond." In other news, Jennifer Aniston is "torn between two men." She was seen flirting with Bradley Cooper — they have gone on a few dates and sent a few texts. "But there is one big problem," according to the mag: She's been back in touch with Brad Pitt. "Seeing Brad and talking to him opened up a whole can of worms for Jen, emotionally. She never really stopped loving him," says a source. Which Brad will she choose?!?! Lastly, "Katie's Baby Dream: Twins." Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are gonna try in vitro, and MAY have twins. "Katie wouldn't mind having two more kids with Tom, but she didn't have the easiest pregnancy with Suri, so she isn't looking forward to two more pregnancies," says a source. And she is "thrilled" and Tom is "over the moon" about their nonexistent kids. Obviously.
Grade: D- (red card for insulting language)

Life & Style
"Jen Betrayed By Her Best Friend." Courteney Cox and David Arquette have been on Jen's side since her divorce from Brad Pitt. But! May 3rd, the couple attended a dinner at a friend's house and Brad was there and they totally talked to him!!! Then they spoke to him again later that night, backstage at a Chris Cornell concert. "It's got to be hurtful," notes psychologist Jean Cirillo, who does not treat Jen. "She seems like a sensitive person and Courteney should know that." What's worse, Courteney is hard at work on Cougar Town — a TV series about older women dating younger men — and Jen wants to make a movie called Pumas, about the same topic. Why is Courteney trying to make Jen's life miserable??!?!?! Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are getting "EVEN CLOSER," and there is proof, as you'll see in this picture of them squeezed into a limo together — the caption reads, "the costars sat with their legs touching," but it was either that or amputation! [Fig. 2] Bruce Jenner has a new face, have you seen it [Fig. 3]? Fifteen year old Ali Lohan is "turning into Lindsay" but really is just wearing her hand-me-downs [Fig. 4]. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Belly In Hollywood?" Pamela Anderson, 41 and mother of two, would "look fab" with the 26-year-old abs of Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. [Fig. 5]
Grade: D (red card for foul play)

Us
"Kate & The Bodyguard." A source says Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and her bodyguard are sometimes "very physical, often touching each other." And! She was spotted "gently poking him, giving him little love pats, unlike slapping does with Jon." Meanwhile, TLC is struggling to retool the May 25th premiere of the show to "somehow reflect or acknowledge the current reality in an otherwise heavily produced 'reality' show." A source says of Jon: "He really hates her and is out to destroy her publicly." Someone saw him at a restaurant with Deanna Hummel, his purported mistress, and says, "He shouldn't have acted like that. He's a married man." Also, a source says when one of her kids was bleeding, Kate raised her arms and said, "can someone deal with this?" She didn't hug the child or call him by name, she acted "like he was a roach." Here is a fun before and after of Kate: [Fig. 6]. Also inside: Angelina is mad at Madonna. She's infuriated that her Madgesty is trying to adopt from Malawi because she thinks Madonna "is a blatant copycat" who is "coming from the wrong place." She thinks instead of caring about the child, Madonna is in it for the publicity. Lastly, this magazine has an ABSOLUTELY EPIC spread of how many times In Touch has had Brad and Angelina "fake news" on their "inventive" covers. Burn! [Fig. 7]
Grade: C (yellow card for unsporting behavior)

Star
"Inside Jon & Kate's Twisted Marriage!" Kate's brother and sister-in-law, Kevin and Jodi Kreider, talked to the mag because they think Kate is selling out the kids and they're worried about them. Jodi was on the show for 3 seasons and is "popular with fans." Apparently when Kate found out that Kevin and Jodi were getting compensated for appearing on the TV show, Kate freaked out and screamed, "No one is getting paid but us!" Anyway, Kevin told the mag that while they were filming the show, Jon and Kate would fight so much, the crew would have a hard time getting 15 minutes of usable footage out of an 8 hour shoot. Kevin says that Jon came over recently and said he believes Kate has been unfaithful — with the bodyguard, Steve. Jodi says Jon has wanted off the series for a while, but Kate wasn't about to let him off, with so much money at stake. So Kate offered Jon a contract — stating that he could have girlfriends — as long as he showed up for shoots. There's so much more... it goes on forever. But. Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar is 5 months pregnant and it's a girl. Kristen Stewart's boyfriend, Michael Angarano, visited her on the set of New Moon and asked her to marry him. She thinks she's too young to get hitched and wants to wait. She's 19; he's 21. Is Jennifer Love Hewitt knocked up with Jamie Kennedy's baby? She was spotted buying a pregnancy test at a CVS. And wearing flowy dresses. Blind item! "Which cable TV hunk had an affair with his on-screen wife? Now that production is back in schedule, will the couple, who both have significant others, pick up where they left off?" (Please don't let it be Jon Hamm!) Also inside: This mag says Rihanna thinks that the nude pictures of her were released by Chris Brown because he invited her to his birthday party and she didn't show up. Don't their problems run a little deeper than that? Next: "Shannen Doherty: Homewrecker!" She's dating the photographer who shot her Radar cover last summer, Kurt Iswarienko, and he filed for divorce from fashion designer Taryn Brand on Christmas Eve. Taryn's mom tells the mag, "Shannen broke up a marriage. That's all I'm going to say." Ashlee Simpson is pregnant again, according to multiple sources. This has the mag wondering if Jessica Simpson's belly is a baby "bump." [Fig. 8] Last, but not least: David Hasselhoff has a "deathwish." He went to the hospital SEVEN times last year for alcohol poisoning and a source says, "when the booze runs out, he moves on to cough syrup."
Grade: C+ (yellow card for blatant harassment)

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Life & Style
"Trista & Ryan's New Baby."
Margaret refused to read the cover story, so we won't talk about that. Also inside: A piece called "Brad And Jen Get Close Again" is about Brad visiting a hotel downtown (for a photoshoot), which was super close to the hotel where Jen is staying while shooting The Baster. In the end, they didn't meet up, though. The magazine also alleges that Jennifer Aniston is "dressing like" Angelina Jolie because — GASP — she wore a high ponytail [Fig. 1]. What else? Cameron Diaz will never settle down because a psychologist who does not treat her says "she represents women who recognize that maybe they're not going one partner for a lifetime, and that should be okay." A sidebar about Cammie is titled, "Her Long-Term Loves Never Last." Wait, if they were long-term, how did they not last? Also, Cam gets compared to George Clooney. Rihanna is dating again; the mag links her to three different guys. Ooh, look: A grade-school picture of Michelle Obama [Fig. 2]!
Grade: F (raw, poisonous cashews)

Ok!
"Secrets From The Set"
Here's the "secret": Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and some other New Moon peeps went back to the hotel and jammed on guitars and harmonica. This mag also has a quiz: "Who Is Your New Moon Soulmate?" Also inside: Britney's kids will be able to go with her on the European leg of her tour. There's a glittery pic of American Idol's Adam "Glambert" Lambert [Fig. 3], who says, "I have nothing to hide."
Grade: F (burned chestnuts)

Us
"Affair With Teacher."
Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with an elementary school teacher named Deanna Hummel, says her brother, Jason Hummel (and five other sources). Jason tell the mag that the two have been dating for three months and "spend tons of time together." Jon only slept over once, but the two would be gone all weekend sometimes. Quoth Jason: "How do I say this? The walls are thin, let's just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex. Let alone with a married dude who's like almost twice her age and who has 8 kids and a maybe-crazy wife." There are pix of Deanna sunbathing at Jon's house in a bikini. And apparently there is video of Jon leaving Deanna's house at 7:30 in the morning. Jason says, "Either Jon didn't care about keeping it a secret or he's the world's dumbest man. He would come over and park one of his three cars right across the street… Dude, when you're sleeping with a woman who's not your wife and TV cameras follow you everywhere, you better keep that quiet. I just think he's such a fucking moron." By the by, Jason used to be a drug dealer.
Grade: C (shelled walnuts)

In Touch
"Jen & Brad Together Again!"
Brad and Jen have been talking frequently on the phone and texting each other, says the mag, and their conversations are "becoming longer and more personal as he confides in her about his current situation." See, apparently the atmosphere at Brad's house is "cold" and his relationship with Angie is falling apart, so Brad is using Jen as a shoulder to cry on. And here's what happened: After Brad visited Angelina on the set of Salt, he drove across town to where Jen's film The Baster was in production. THE PAIR QUIETLY MET FACE TO FACE. "He pulled up in his black SUV," says a source, although Jen's rep denies it. "Jen snuck into his car. They drove around New York City together, talking." And! Jen gave Brad a gold necklace for his birthday in December (???) and he's been wearing it "almost constantly." Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat either star, says: "He's letting Jen know that he's available to her, and emotionally involved with her on some level." And that pink braided necklace he's wearing on the cover? Made by Shiloh. Then there's a box titled, "Watch Out, Angelina, Jen's Caught Up To You!" which explains: "If you count all of her movie and television roles, Jennifer has given birth to six children." But! If you count all of Angelina's roles, she is a crazy person and a tomb raider. So. Moving on. Salma Hayek's honeymoon took place on a private island off the coast of Africa where there are only 11 guest bungalows, and yet there are eight extremely intimate kissy beach pix in the mag. Someone was hiding on a boat! Hey, did you know that the surrogate twins are saving Sarah Jessica Parker's marriage? SJP's friends say the twins are just "Band-Aid babies" to keep the couple together. Johnny Depp is a "real life pirate" because he and his family are living on a boat in Puerto Rico; the vessel is called VaJoLiRoJa, which comes from combining the first letters of each family member's name. Raise your hand if you want to live on a boat with Johnny Depp. In the middle of all this celebrity coverage there are two pages on Swine Flu. Hmm. Weird. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have been hanging out at her farm 90 miles away from L.A.; a witness saw them at the farmer's market: "They were buying tangerines, holding hands and looked madly in love." Lastly: Is Violet Affleck the new Suri [Fig. 4]?
Grade: C+ (almonds)

Star
"Pregnant Angie's Secrets & Lies!"
Here is the first line of this story: "Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston — and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend!" These are the allegations in Andrew Morton's new book. He says she was in an L.A. mental institution in 2000, and hours after her release, she married Billy Bob Thornton. She was so obsessed with him, she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her. She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She had a "brief but steamy" affair with a guy her mom knew — who was attached and 20 years older — and she seduced him. She also seduced her mom's boyfriend after her mom had a fight with the guy, but then confessed to her mom and promised to never do it again. An insider says, "I'm told she was pregnant two or three times. She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why she's determined to have a huge family. Sigh. Angie doesn't want her girls to know about her multiple boob jobs — she had them enlarged before Tomb Raider but reduced afterwards. And! Guess what? Salt will come out at the same time as The Baster. Oh, and the rock star Angelina had sex with "half a dozen" times? Blonde and female. They did it on the beach in Malibu. They were linked summer 2007 to September 2008. We can't guess who it is! Moving on: Halle Berry "bump alert." [Fig. 5] Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford are trying to adopt a little girl. Blind item: "What funnyman's career might be flagging due to his dependence on downers? After a disastrous comedy set in NYC, he admitted he's hooked on Vicodin. Deadly serious." Jennifer Aniston had the staff of the Greenwich Hotel shut down the pool area so she could go skinny dipping, which is what she does to relax. Katie Holmes has been secretly smoking: A staff member spilled the beans to Tom Cruise, who confronted her. Turns out she's been puffing on and off for a while and is afraid to quit because she'll get fat. Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's ex-husband talked to Star and says "Michelle has kids for other people but she hardly ever sees her own son." She also has a tattoo of "the international symbol of bisexuality." Robert Pattinson went to a strip club in Vancouver and got a lap dance from a lady named Kendra, who says he was "Actually kind of shy and not a great tipper." He returned two days later, and asked for Kendra, but she wasn't working, so he left. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman are seeing each other, and their "encounter" was the reason Robin Wright wanted a divorce. Again. "Friends" are suggesting that John Travolta and Kelly Preston adopt a kid to deal with the grief of losing Jett. A "local" says of Jon & Kate Plus 8: "I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating." Lastly: "Hollywood Prom Night" includes lots of celebs' old pictures — and old noses — and a snap of Verne Troyer, who was Homecoming King [Fig. 6].
Grade: B- (creamy peanut butter)

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Drug-addled Demagogues

Rush Limbaugh is the leader of the popular entertainment wing of the new conservative tabloid leadership. We all know he's a thrice-married former junkie, but he's mostly a harmless, unlikable slimeball, these days. A rich unlikable slimeball who is currently working as hard as anyone to destroy the Republican party for a generation, but he finished his worst work twenty years ago, when he invented the Fox model of radicalizing the cantankerous old white men who make up the natural audience for conservative media. His audience is still huge, but they're a minority now.

It's hard to tell whether borderline case Glenn Beck actually knows what he's doing. His transition from standard-issue talk radio jerkoff to evangelical Bircher stoking violent rage was obviously a calculated decision that's reaping financial rewards, but one still gets the impression that he's too dumb to actually realize what he's playing with (like Charles Johnson but with an audience of millions, basically). He, of course, is a recovering alcoholic and probably worse who "found God."

The Tabloid Families

For a look at how well John McCain's pick for running mate turned out for the Republican party, just have a gander at Us Weekly's Levi Johnston tag page. In a different era, this sort of sordid family drama would not be playing out in the glossies. Of course, even in this era this sort of sordid family drama doesn't play out in the glossies if the family is halfway decent at managing the press.

But McCain's own family wasn't immune from hilarious tabloid coverage during the election.

The Plain Morons

For some reason, supposedly smart conservatives think most "regular Americans" are unlikable idiots, and so they prop up unlikable idiots as party spokespeople.

Like Joe the Plumber! He, like all regular blue-collar guys, is a lazy moron who is oddly obsessed with a fantasy about Barack Obama hating Israel. His name is not Joe and he is not a plumber. He is proudly misinformed and works as a perfect representative of what rich conservatives think of the working classes.

And now, there is Carrie Prejean. She is a beauty pageant loser who coined the term "opposite marriage." Conservatives apparently decided everyone was infringing on her First Amendment Rights when they roundly mocked her for being inarticulate and dumb in addition to bigoted. Now anti-gay activist Maggie Gallagher basically wants to adopt her and Tony Perkins' Family Research Council is praising her "fortitude." Go ahead, anoint Miss California your new traditional family values mascot! Because Americans have a great deal of respect for the intellect and opinions of losing beauty pageant contestants

According to a source inside the Tribune Tower, for the last six months the paper has required all of its features reporters—that would be its arts writers, food writers, culture writers, etc.—to come in on Sundays, on a rotating basis, and write an entertainment/gossip column called "Face Time" for Monday's paper. They are instructed to do this by scanning what TMZ and the US Weekly web site have reported over the weekend, and rehash it for Monday.

"You've got highly skilled reporters rewriting three-day old gossip from web sites to go in the next days' paper," the source says.

No one puts their bylines on their items, because they are too embarrassed. And here we thought it was blogs that just rewrite stuff from newspapers. The snake is eating itself, and soon it will be all gone.

Disclosure: Your blogger used to work for the Chicago Tribune.

ASME can't really do much to renegade publications, as explained earlier this month in the New York Times. The disciplinary steps are:

• A warning letter.
  
• Withholding a National Magazine Award.
  
• Forbidding a title's participation in the National Magazine Awards.
  
• Suspending an editor's membership.
  
• A really nasty look.
  
• Saying "stop!" a second time.
  
• Brazen taunting.
  
• Jann Wenner critiques the state of your desk each week.
• An internship with Bonnie Fuller.

Obviously, in an advertising depression, certain publications are willing to give up hope of a National Magazine Award in exchange for some much-needed cash. Especially if they never had much hope of getting such an award in the first place.

Us Weekly had every reason to know it was over the line. The celebrity magazine ran a mock cover pimping HBO's Grey Gardens, albeit with a different title font and the word "advertising" across the top. ASME told MediaWeek "advertising cannot obscure the cover in any manner whatsoever," which seems pretty clear.

Entertainment Weekly, part of the esteemed, ethically-concerned Time Inc. empire, got a spanking for turning its cover into "a pocket that contained a pull-out ad for the ABC show The Unusuals," in the words of the Times.

ESPN had a fold-out cover flap touting a pitch on the other side for Powerade.

All three got an ASME reprimand, which is just a warning.

The question now is how long it takes before highbrow titles follow in the footsteps of the celebrity titles. They tend to look to the National Magazine Awards to burnish their upscale positioning. And will ASME will hold to its standards when they do, or just capitulate in the name "economic reality?"

[MediaWeek]

(Pic via MediaWeek)

That's what the celebrity media is betting at least. Us Weekly scored the biggest coup in the current news cycle: an on the-record interview with Lohan.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us... Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson.

"Everyone's turned on me," says the actress.

Socialite Nicole Richie, Lohan reports, said "Uck" as she walked by Lohan following a Lohan-Ronson showdown at Chateau Marmont, while actress Drea De Matteo told Lohan, "Come at me, bitch." It sounds like there just might be another side to the story there. Anyway.

Us also quoted "sources" saying Lohan has threatened to kill herself repeatedly over the past month in response to Ronson trying to extricate herself from the relationship. The magazine rushed its coverage onto the cover of Wednesday's issue, where it describes Lohan as "Dumped, humiliated, broke & crying."

National Enquirer sibling RadarOnline, meanwhile, has "rehab graduate" Lohan "chugging" a bottle of Belvedere vodka at a Hollywood club with her mom Monday night and implied Lohan maybe lit a joint.

Over at Time Warner, TMZ had Lohan "devastated" over press reports Ronson might seek a restraining order, while People, providing a rare bit of good press of Lohan, later quoted Ronson's attorney saying his client didn't want such a restraining order.

Lohan is in a sad and tragic place, no doubt. Also pretty certain: No media outlet's about to pass up, in the middle of a recession, what's looking like the biggest celebrity meltdown since Britney Spears' mental hospital tour of '08.