[Tom Cruise comforts a hysterically weeping fan at the premiere of "Valkyrie" in Japan; image via Splash]]

It's Friday, and that means one thing: It's Defamer Friday Funtime! Wherein we share something completely stupid with you in the hopes that it will make you smile, possibly kickstarting a weekend of savage self-abuse.

The debate over Valkyrie's box-office viability has tempered since its plunge from the post-holiday Top 10. But while it's barely broken even at home, it managed a stunning Euro groundswell over the weekend.

Scientology prince Tom Cruise is supposedly no longer speaking publicly about his membership in the cult, a far cry from the days he used new films as a chance to promote the "church."

We knew Fox News gossip and mortal Tom Cruise enemy Roger Friedman was upset last week when MGM denied him an advance look at Valkyrie. Today, he exacted his mouthbreathing, error-packed and all-around vicious revenge.

We hope Santa brought everything you wanted (Wii porn), and nothing you didn't (tongue cancer, American Apparel giftcards). Your B.O., followed by the Top 5 Chinese Dishes Consumed Later by the Jews Who Saw Them:

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your regular guide to everything new, noteworthy and/or mortifying at the movies. This week: Hollywood gets stuck in your chimney delivering Benjamin Button and four other holiday blockbuster hopefuls.

Valkyrie is recovering reasonably well from the crippling stroke of bad publicity that nearly killed it earlier this year. But only part of that is due to slightly better-than-average word on the street.

That's the headline on Associated Press' review of the Scientology bigwig's new "let's kill Hitler!" film. Everyone (well, lotsa people) want to slam this film, and the AP's early dig is hard to top.

Tom Cruise continues to bring the weirdness on his Valkyrie press tour, so why should Extra's Mario Lopez be spared?

Remember when you were in like sixth grade and your teacher asked you to read Number the Stars and you quietly thought to yourself, "jeez Louise, how many of these Holocaust books are there?" and then you felt terrible and never said anything to anyone? Well I do, and Page Six certainly does! They did a bit today…

On a day that has seen its fair share of horrors, the suddenly, comparatively innocuous couple of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes couldn't have picked a better day for news of their upcoming dual cover story for the NY Times magazine to leak out. After we've witnessed Satan himself emerge onto Sunset Blvd. to announce a …

It's been far too long since MGM was on the defensive over Valkyrie, the campaign for which uncomfortably started in its own office lobby but has since found decent enough traction in theaters and on TV. So! Right on cue, and apparently just for old time's sake, a high-ranking New York film critic has found something…

Are you quite enthusiastic about the upcoming release of the new Tom Cruise WW2 thriller Valkyrie? We are, if only for the myriad Tom Cruise posts it will inspire. And you know who else is? The Razzies people, who pick the worst movie of the year. Early reviews have them thinking they just might have a surefire winner…

Details unveiled Tom Cruise this morning as the cover boy of its annual Power Issue. Sadly, Cruise only makes No. 7 — a position shared last year by Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead. But perhaps it's the thought that counts: Previous Power Issues have ranked the "most influential men under 45," but the magazine has…