vampirechastitybelts

posts about #vampirechastitybelts more →
Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight

Your version of Internet Explorer is not supported. Please upgrade to the most recent version in order to view comments.

Dsmvwl Admin Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×

♥ dosido☮
11/17/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
For all the Twilight needs you don't yet know you have (but oh my god you do, and desperately): The funniest recaps EVER WRITTEN.

Srsly, hours and hours of hysterical laughter await you here. I love Cleolinda like biscuits and gravy. SO. MUCH.
Reply

♥ dosido☮ was starred ♥ dosido☮ was unstarred

forwardmotion
11/16/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
It's no Lost Boys.
Reply

forwardmotion was starred forwardmotion was unstarred

LatestBy
11/16/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
Is the third book where they vote no on Prop 8?
Reply

LatestBy was starred LatestBy was unstarred

forwardmotion
11/16/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
It sounds like Mormon Buffy fan fiction. Except where the assertive traits of Buffy were completely written out. And then moved to a place where it rains all the time.
Reply

forwardmotion was starred forwardmotion was unstarred

Michael Weiss
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
The whole genre was doomed when whatever contemporary author decided to give bloodsuckers community awareness and make them an above-ground minority group looking to be accepted (HBO's True Blood is X-Men, except Anna Paquin finally gets to hold hands and get laid). In this series "local legend" has it that the Cullens are a vampire family, and here comes junior establishing brute fact by stopping a van with his bare hand. Nobody else in the parking lot--including the driver of the van--seems too worked up about it. I guess torch and pitchfork wielding are frowned upon in the Pacific Northwest.

The most inspired twist on vampire backstory came packaged in B-movie schlock. The 2000 version of Dracula, with the guy who played Leonides in 300 playing Dracula, portrayed him as Judas Iscariot condemned to hang around earth for his misbehavior in the bronze age Middle East. Like the Wandering Jew. Clever!

As for this Twilight business, teen girls would do better to read Byron and listen to Nick Cave for a taste of real-deal Romantic immortality.
Reply

Michael Weiss was starred Michael Weiss was unstarred

mailek
11/15/08

@Michael Weiss:

is the choice for most tweens between Byron and Meyers though honestly? Most likely it's between Meyers and crap on Nickelodeon.

I can't help but wonder if us jaded adults are sorta missing the point of why young girls are so into these stories. We see the less-than-stellar writing and uptight moral themes.

But think about a young girl of 13 however. Where a lot of girls her age already expected to give boys bjs the way I gave out kisses at that age 15 years ago. Where sex is expected with so little effort or connection for the most part. I have next door neighbor girls who tell me what middle school is like. And if you aren't giving the bjs out, you are seen as uptight.

If that's what a girl's world is like nowadays, where sex is treated like a social bargaining chip in middle school, Edward effing Cullen is probably looking really good to them. He's the bff/bf who isn't gonna ask them to go down on their knees in the bathroom of a friend's house while you've got 8 other friends on the other side of the door goading you on(actual story from said neighbor kid, and she's like the honor classes type of kid, not the "fast" gal).
Reply

mailek was starred mailek was unstarred

hatey
11/16/08

@mailek: Dude. Straight A's and BJs go together just fine. Ask fourteen-year-old Hatey.
Reply

hatey was starred hatey was unstarred

BaldwinPeriphetes
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
I just saw another article about the movie (in which the author specifically says that one of the non-negotiable things she had for the screenplay was they had to keep the sparkling-in-sunlight thing!), and in the comments section there are screennames like "mrsedwardcullen".

I don't know if I find it more or less depressing than the fact that there are people who adore and idolise Sarah Palin.
Reply

BaldwinPeriphetes was starred

forwardmotion
11/16/08

@BaldwinPeriphetes: The adults that are obsessed with twilight are the same ones who idolise Sarah Palin.
Reply

forwardmotion was starred forwardmotion was unstarred

maude_flanders
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
I refuse to read these books and am aware of the shitty reviews.

That said--what's wrong with a 15 or 16 year-old not having sex, so long as they are informed (or at least, can honest-to-God tell themselves, "Before ANYTHING happens I am going to have a map to avoid getting STIS/pregnant, and going to deal with my GF/BF")?

Considering that the whole relationship is predicated on Edward as inhumanly handsome and brooding, while Bella is...what?...there must be sexuality and sexual tension.

Not every sixteen or seventeen year-old (girl, at least) wants to lose it in high school.

That said...the two leads look f*cking hot in that photo with the formal wear. And off-camera, Kristin is beautiful and Robert is...stinky.
Reply

maude_flanders was starred maude_flanders was unstarred

Awestruck
11/15/08

@maude_flanders: Evidently in the last book they get married so whatsherface can have hot vampire sex with him (I don't know what being married has to do with his being a vampire...), this is at, like, 17? 18? And is promptly impregnated with his half-vampire baby who literally tries to suck the life out of her and then some dude has to BITE IT OUT of her.

I can't believe I know that, and yes, that would be the problem. It's like Romeo and Juliet except they both become annoying eternal beings?
Reply

Awestruck was starred Awestruck was unstarred

llamalash★
11/15/08

@Awestruck: These books may be aimed at 15/16/17 year old girls, but as w/all teen trends, it's the 11/12/13 year old girls who dig the books the most.

My 12 yr old and I had a long talk about the series after a couple of comments here said that there were no strong female characters in the books. Sex (age appropriate, I don't want Penthouse in the books) I can deal with, Bella as a constant damsel in distress w/no other females to represent? That I can't condone. However, my too-smart-for-her-own-good daughter informed me that in this latest book, Bella does in fact become the hero.

Plus, they've already moved on. Now the new thing is The Dark Night series. Sorry, Alex, you know how kids are!
Reply

llamalash★ was starred llamalash★ was unstarred

mailek
11/15/08

@llamalash:

I just finished Twilight right now. I don't know if it would have honestly appealed to me as a tween or teen(I took myself way too seriously back then and would have probably been too much of a snob to like them)...BUT I actually find the females strong in the book. The lead character is physically weak, but she's hanging out with supernatural beings in comparison. But she's actually the stronger and more resilient between the two lovers. The vampire guy is an emotional wreck and going back and forth about what to do, and she's the one to basically challenge him to step up. And at the end, she basically takes on a vampire who wants to kill her to save her mom. I think the "damsel in distress" characterizations are somewhat bogus after reading it.

It's not required reading by any stretch, but I think it's more unhealthy to read Wuthering Heights than this book.
Reply

mailek was starred mailek was unstarred

llamalash★
11/15/08

@mailek: That makes me feel much better, thank you! I have too much on my plate to actually read the books myself. Which sounds horrible as a parent, but these books are freakin huge! (and I've got a stack of books a mile high waiting for me to get to after graduation)

@maude_flanders: Thank you! I've got quite an extraordinary kid. Though she's team Taylor Swift all the way in the battle against the Jonas kid, she also can't stand most of the stereotypical "girl" things that she's supposed to like. She's far too literal to buy into most romanticized things, so her enjoyment of Twilight is actually a bit of a surprise to me.
Reply

llamalash★ was starred llamalash★ was unstarred

ClicheLaMoron
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
Ask a former teenage girl:

The book is TOTAL porn. But, not the scary kind with dicks. The kind that's PERFECT for teenage girls, which is all about getting off on the pain of loving someone so hard and not being able to have him. Which is a sexual feeling, even though that makes no sense to dudes. But in reality, you cannot have your idol because you are hideous and unpopular, not because HE LOVES YOU TOO MUCH TO EVER ENDANGER YOU WITH HIS LOOOOOOOVE, but the good/bad feeling is much the same.

I don't think this is healthy at all. But if you are raised to fear men as rapey, etc and be ashamed of your sexual feelings as making you dirty and worthless, you end up liking this book. Yaaaaaaay.

Hopefully, now that we have elected our first sexy president, this will change, or, Change.
Reply

ClicheLaMoron was starred ClicheLaMoron was unstarred

cassandra
11/16/08

@ClicheLaMoron: That is a really awesome insight. I'm realizing now how many romances in books center around the hero "holding back" from the heroine at first, for some fake reason like he doesn't trust himself/is so attracted to her they would both implode if he let his passions free, etc. But your theory works: it's a way to convince women that the men want them SO MUCH that they cannot acknowledge it. Total delusion. Once grown up, this whole delusional thing becomes the "he was intimidated by my intelligence/beauty/directness" trope.

You've actually made me think.
Reply

cassandra was starred cassandra was unstarred

hatey
11/16/08

@ClicheLaMoron: Which is a sexual feeling, even though that makes no sense to dudes.

I love this. I love this because it's true. *vivid flashback to high school*

Another teenage girl thing dudes don't get: dry humping.
Reply

hatey was starred hatey was unstarred

hatey
11/16/08

@hatey: ugh. the italics should have ended after the quotes, obvs.
Reply

hatey was starred hatey was unstarred

mailek
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
I grew up Mormon(not anymore), so I get SM's world honestly. When you grow up Mormon, no one IS getting laid! I even went to BYU, where no is getting laid there either and so there's a lot of sexual energy that manifests in other socially acceptable ways(a heck of a lot of back rubbing, even among friends, and A LOT of tackle co-ed football!).

I realize it's weird to others who didn't grow up in such conservative settings, but I did.

And the interesting thing is when young people aren't getting laid, the sexual energy is pretty electric--it makes you thinkg about it more.
Reply

mailek was starred mailek was unstarred

aurorabora
11/15/08

@mailek: Hee! "Back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room."
Reply

aurorabora was starred aurorabora was unstarred

ADismalScience
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
Well, and also, it's SO MUCH EASIER to write about relationships when nobody has sex. It's infinitely less complicated! Writing relationships without sex is exactly like writing the following instructions on how to complete a Rubik's cube:

1.) Turn the Rubik's cube until all the faces are the same color

2.) Set your Rubik's cube on your desk and never touch it again.

3.) Occasionally look at the cube, sigh, and say "Isn't this nice?"
Reply

ADismalScience was starred ADismalScience was unstarred

She_of_the_Socks
11/15/08

@ADismalScience: That actually remind me of a scene with a Rubik's cube in ANOTHER teenage vampire movie everyone should rush out and watch immediately. "Let The Right One In."
Reply

She_of_the_Socks was starred She_of_the_Socks was unstarred

pureblarney
11/15/08

@ADismalScience: Oh wow. I wish I had an auditorium full of people behind me, because I just gave that a huge one-person round of applause.
Reply

pureblarney was starred pureblarney was unstarred

hatey
11/16/08

@She_of_the_Socks: Ak! I'm reading it right now, trying to finish it before the film leaves the theatre!

(Yeah, that's the way we did things in my family. Old habits die hard.)
Reply

hatey was starred hatey was unstarred

♥AntiSocialSocialite♥
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
i honestly don't care about Twilight anymore... it's all about Robert Pattinson.
Reply

shavethatsoulpatch
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
If you want grown-up vampires, read The Historian.
Reply

shavethatsoulpatch was starred

ZiggyStardust
11/15/08

@shavethatsoulpatch (and others looking for book recommendations): Or don't. That book was maddeningly terrible.
Reply

ZiggyStardust was starred ZiggyStardust was unstarred

Spirit Fingers
11/15/08

@all: Start here:

Reply

Spirit Fingers was starred Spirit Fingers was unstarred

hatey
11/16/08

@ZiggyStardust: I know! I'm trying to think of a clever way to hate on it, but I can't. It was simply dreadful reading.
Reply

hatey was starred hatey was unstarred

GirlyWhirl
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
I don't like my vampires to look like 90210 characters.
Reply

GirlyWhirl was starred GirlyWhirl was unstarred

angelheadedhipster
11/15/08

@GirlyWhirl: I was gonna say he looks he a little like Nate from GG in that first pic . . .
Reply

angelheadedhipster was starred

Clare
11/15/08

@GirlyWhirl: @angelheadedhipster: All of his facial features are in the middle third of his face.

Pass.
Reply

Clare was starred Clare was unstarred

angelheadedhipster
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
Um, if he wanted to bite me he'd have to WASH HIS FREAKIN HAIR FIRST.

[www.gossipsauce.com]
Reply

angelheadedhipster was starred

mmstk101
11/15/08

@angelheadedhipster: He left it so long without washing, it's achieved sentience. It chooses not to let him wash it.
Reply

mmstk101 was starred mmstk101 was unstarred

katastic
11/15/08

In reply to Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight
Okay, clearly I've never read these books, but if he's a vampire, how come he's outside in the daylight in that clip? Shouldn't he be bursting into flames or ashes or something???
Reply

katastic was starred katastic was unstarred

mmstk101
11/15/08

@katastic: I also haven't read the books, but apparently they're lame vampires that can, in fact, be out in the sun. I call lame on that, as there is nothing better than a vampire blowing up because the clever hero got them outside in the sun.
Reply

mmstk101 was starred mmstk101 was unstarred

katastic
11/15/08

@mmstk101: That is LAME. As far as I'm concerned, a vampire that doesn't melt/ fry up in the sun is just a human with a thing for blood.
Reply

katastic was starred katastic was unstarred

mmstk101
11/15/08

@katastic: Exactly! And that's creepy.
Reply

mmstk101 was starred mmstk101 was unstarred

angelheadedhipster
11/15/08

@katastic: I didn't know Angelina Jolie was in these books.
Reply

angelheadedhipster was starred

pssshwhatever
11/15/08

@katastic: The thing that has always kind of irritated me about some vampire fiction is that certain authors take the easy way out and draw the rules of being a vampire in such a way that it's convenient to the story they want to tell. And usually, when someone mentions one of the conventional "vampire rules" in the story, the vampire character will be all "Bish please, you've see too many vampire movies, it ain't like that."

I haven't read these books (from a lot of what I've read, they seem to be kinda anti-female, and I'm not a self-loathing tween girl anymore, so I don't need that), but this seems to be the case with this author.
Reply

pssshwhatever was starred pssshwhatever was unstarred

mmstk101
11/15/08

@angelheadedhipster:
Reply

mmstk101 was starred mmstk101 was unstarred

anxietydepressant
11/15/08

@pssshwhatever: That's a good point about the way some of these books get around those pesky "vampire rules". What are some of the other rules, though? I remember there being something about garlic, right?
Reply

anxietydepressant was starred

btrp
11/15/08

@katastic: They don't burst into flames. They do, however, SPARKLE!

I am not kidding.
Reply

btrp was starred btrp was unstarred

Seeräuber Jenny
11/15/08

@mmstk101:

I also haven't read the books and I skimmed this post (Really, how much time do I have in the day?) but I think they should rename that TV old series that's being remade into a movie:

Very Light Shadows.

It seems to pale by comparison with this.

And is Alex a teenage girl? I had no idea.
Reply

Seeräuber Jenny was starred Seeräuber Jenny was unstarred

Seeräuber Jenny
11/15/08

@katastic:

I know. They should turn to pulverized gray-silver dust like Kirsten Dunst and the surrogate Mommy vampire in Interview with the Vampire.
Reply

Seeräuber Jenny was starred Seeräuber Jenny was unstarred

Seeräuber Jenny
11/15/08

@awhatsname:

And crosses.

And silver stakes.

And returning each day to a coffin buried in the soil of your craggy Carpathian birthplace, even if it had to be specially shipped to ancient English abbey.

I have to read the book one day and see how much of this is Stoker.
Reply

Seeräuber Jenny was starred Seeräuber Jenny was unstarred

Mount_Prion
11/15/08

@katastic: They wear very large sunglasses.
Reply

Mount_Prion was starred Mount_Prion was unstarred

mmstk101
11/15/08

@btrp: They sparkle? Like they're covered in glitter type of sparkle?
Reply

mmstk101 was starred mmstk101 was unstarred

mmstk101
11/15/08

@Seeräuber Jenny: And you can kill them by cutting off their head.

Probably very little of this is Stoker, hence all the lameness.
Reply

mmstk101 was starred mmstk101 was unstarred

Spirit Fingers
11/15/08

@katastic: Short of a Daywalker or Dhamphir scenario, there are no daylight/vampire existences unless we're talking about a vampire movie mockery, which from the obvious clues, this one is clearly.
Reply

Spirit Fingers was starred Spirit Fingers was unstarred

aurorabora
11/15/08

@mmstk101: Yep. That's why in the book, they live in Forks, which is apparently the rainiest city in the US. Because if they go out in direct sunlight, their skin sparkles "like diamonds." No, really.
Reply

aurorabora was starred aurorabora was unstarred

mmstk101
11/15/08

@aurorabora: Huh. Well, that's definitely an . . . interesting twist.
Reply

mmstk101 was starred mmstk101 was unstarred

Earlier discussions Other discussions Show all discussions Show featured discussions only Start a new discussion

#vampirechastitybelts

Gawker

SUBSCRIBE TO Gawker

Anticipation for Sex That Never Comes Is Highlight of Twilight

Login

Reset Password

Register

Submit Your Comment