• Carrie Prejean's mom saw her sex tape when Miss California USA's lawyers screened 15 seconds of it to get Carrie to drop her $1 million lawsuit against them. According to TMZ, "Carrie's mom was in shock—instantly turning sheet white as she watched her daughter give herself a hand." This story just gets grosser and grosser. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin posed for photos in Times Square, leading to the horrifying-but-inevitable-question that I suspect they wanted us to ask: Is Jon going to pose for Playgirl, too? He fits that special niche of being really high-profile without having a shred of class or dignity, so I wouldn't be surprised if Playgirl went after him. He'd probably pretend like he was considering it so as to soak up as much penis-related attention as possible, but ultimately he wouldn't follow through, because dude just doesn't have the bod, and he's painfully aware of it. Now that he's off the show and on his way to eight child support bills per month, he can't afford the necessary cosmetic procedures he'd probably want to pull it off, either. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Today is the day of the Gossip Girl threesome. The Parents Television Council is going into conniptions while The Daily Beast celebrates with a guide to a bunch of other televised three-ways, which really just serves to remind us how prude TV was until Nip/Tuck came along. That show is a systematic assault on American values. I'm not even sure what American values are, just that they are the antithesis of Nip/Tuck. [LAT] [TDB]
• 
  
• After last week's success with secretly recorded phone calls with ex-wife Dina, Michael Lohan is now trying to sell "secret recordings" of Lindsay and wants $100,000 for the unbearably creepy package of what will likely amount to nanny cam footage plus a spot of homophobic commentary from the Papa Lo. Ex-wife Dina's making legal threats, but Radar struck a deal where they get the tapes for free, but pay some undisclosed sum for the interview. [P6]
• 
  
• The Jackson kids helped install wheels on a legless dog, because manmade alien-robot hybrids have always made them feel at home. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jackson kids: Jacko daughter Paris, age 11, has the same hairstylist as Madonna, Britney Spears, and J.Lo. She went last week with her brothers, where an onlooker said "their complete lack of emotion meant it was like watching three robots." Paris had her fingernails painted black. Cry for help? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Kristen Stewart thinks Twilight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would make "great husband[s]," which is code for "cute, but totally boring lays." [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Victoria Beckham is starting a modeling agency, which we can only hope 'n' wish 'n' pray will join forces with the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and specialize in toothpick-sized trannies with severe faces and a predilection for painful-looking clothes. In the glorious event that one of their managers is reading this and takes my advice (I WILL PAY YOU $$$) (BUT NOT THAT MUCH) I'd like to declare right now that I've got my money on Janice for the inevitable Dickinson-Beckham catfight. Girl is scrappy, although I wouldn't put it past Posh to go below the belt. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• The Brits are exporting a new poptart! "VA-VA-voom singer Katherine Jenkins" supposedly gets more press than Madonna and is coming to New York to "do some Christmas shopping, meet the press." But wait! A Google search reveals that the "Marilyn Monroe-ish" Jenkins is actually a classically trained mezzo-soprano whose favored tunes are sacred arias glorifying God (see below), not rhythmically snorting coke off the toilet seat in Peaches Geldof's apartment, which means she will never fill the hole in my heart that Amy Winehouse used to occupy. Page Six, why do you toy with me so. [P6]
• 
  

You remember, don't you? I was sitting in the back room of the Beatrice about a year ago, drinking a Stella and checking out the 2 a.m. dance floor scene. You walked over and said, "Did you used to work at Page Six?" I agreed that I had, and you sat down next to me.

I was impressed that you were smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking what looked like a whiskey on the rocks. You told me that you had just filmed an episode of Weeds for Showtime, and asked what I was up to. I said I was working at Maxim, which was true at the time. Or maybe I said that I owned Maxim. Or owned all magazines. Let's just say I was trying to impress you.

I don't recall much about the rest of our conversation, other than you were very sweet, were wearing a lot of black eyeliner, and that your hair kind of smelled like clouds. But I do remember that once we were done with our surreal little chat, you said, "Well, I just wanted to say that you look really good tonight." And then you got up, walked across the room and sat with the friends you came with.

I wondered if I had just been totally goofed on. Because by that point in the night I was most likely a wobbly, red-eyed beast who was only capable of engaging women by doing that magic trick that I do with the handkerchief and the collapsible wand. You know the one.

But in retrospect I think that you were probably just in a really good mood. Had you not been Mary-Kate Olsen, I would probably tried to get your number, or at least asked if you wanted to take a ride in my van. But instead, I just smiled and accepted the compliment. Always wanted to say thanks for that. But I've never been able to, because that was the last time I saw you!

So I thought I'd finally have a chance to tell you in person last night when I saw you at Bergdorf-Goodman, where you and your twin sister Ashley were doing a relentlessly-hyped bartending appearance for Fashion's Night Out.

I knew it was a big deal because my cab driver actually asked if I was going to "the thing were the Olsen twins were bartending." We pulled up to a mob of several hundred eager young women clogging the front entrance. I talked my way into a side door and began to look for you in the oppressively-lit department store that reeked of decades of perfume-squirts and shoppers' flop sweat.

I navigated past the throngs of girls roaming the racks to get on the escalator to the 7th Floor, where you were allegedly pouring drinks. Even the escalator was jammed with squealing humanity, and I started getting claustrophobic and sweating a little myself. Honestly, I hadn't seen that much hubbub since the last time I attended a Jonas Brothers lunch box signing!

But once I got to the 7th floor, you were already gone. Mind you, this was only 7:30, and the event started at 7. When I said, out loud, to no one in particular, "Where are the Olsens?" a sad-eyed teenage girl told me that you had left the building. This was particularly devastating because at this point I really needed a drink.

So I pushed through another mob that was surrounding stylist Rachel Zoe as she was shot by about 20 photographers, towards the nearest fire exit. When I finally made it outside, a black Escalade slowed to a stop in front of the crowd spilling outside Bergdorf's. I thought maybe it was you, but it turned out to be designer Zac Posen, who popped out of the sun roof and waved at everyone.

I went to a few other insanely crowded boutiques before I headed back downtown: The Versace store, where the MisShapes deejayed and Taylor Momsen darted past me wearing a garter belt and a white dress shirt; the Calvin Klein store, where the disturbingly pretty male model Jamie Burke played a set with his band; and Barney's, where so many strangers rubbed up against me that I felt like I owed them money afterwards.

But you weren't at any of those places, so I hopped a cab back downtown and met some friends at the Jane Hotel, which is kind of like the Beatrice was, except not quite as much fun.

Your pal,

Chris

P.S.

Call Me!
Mary-Kate Olsen serves the drinks, for a change.
Sarah Jessica Parker can barely stand the funky music from Oscar de la Renta, Barbara Walters, and Bette Midler. Neither can we.
Fashion Victim.
Grace Coddington is the only Vogue staffer allowed to laugh.
This leatherman is the ghost of the the Meatpacking District past.
Someone tries to mess with The Tinz' perfection.
Radical knitting group tries to take over Barney's handbag department in hopes of reinvigorating interest in wool handbags.
Gossip Girl-on-girl action.
Food! You don't serve food at a fashion party!
Booze. Now that's more like it.
Blake, what if we told you there will be blow at the afterparty.
That's more like it.
Running out of live celebrities, Bloomingdale's hired wax Leonardo DiCaprio to make an appearance.
Fashion's Night Out works! This woman came out to shop for the first time since 1977!
Charlize Theron is beautiful. That is all.
The only way to shut Isaac Mizrahi up is to ask him to sing.
Don't knock these boots.
"Uh, who are we waiting for?"
Give Georgio Armani five.
Rhianna got the dates confused with July 23, which is Fashion's Day Out At The Beach.
Anna Wintour has decided to start talking shit about Sienna Miller to her face.
Jill Zarin inspects her human avatar.
The rare site of Lindsay Lohan shopping.
Last night Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan made that rhino while playing Ghost.
André Leon Talley shows off his latest Snuggie.
Victoria Beckham thought she was showing up for a literacy benefit.
Michael Kors tries to slap Debra Messing when she points out the step and repeat matches his skin tone exactly.

• Reality show siren Heidi Montag thinks she's ready for children. Thankfully, her husband, the weaselly Spencer Pratt, has enough common sense to hold off on reproduction. [NYDN]
  
  
• Superman: Man of Steel producer Jon Peters has been ordered to stay 100 yards away from colleague Brian Quintana after Peters allegedly threatened to break his legs during a hearing for Quintana's ongoing sexual harassment suit against Peters. And you thought your office had drama. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel does not approve of her Real Housewives of New York co-star Jill Zarin's new friends: Why would Jill be hanging with Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan?.... It is utterly embarrassing." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Did that 2008 plane crash play a role in DJ AM's untimely death? Addiction expert and reality star Dr. Drew Pinsky thinks the pain killers Mr. AM took after the crash led to his relapse and, ultimately, his overdose. [ET]
  
  
• Holy smokes! Victoria Beckham went to the gym without makeup! What is the world coming to? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Libyan tyrant Moammar Khadafy will be coming to New York next month and, according to her, wanted to rent Joan Rivers' apartment for $200,000/week. Sadly, it didn't work out. [Page Six]
  
  
• Elizabeth Moss, arguably one of the best actresses around, doesn't have a "grand strategy" when picking her roles, which explains her turn in the Sarah Jessica Parker romantic comedy Did You Hear About The Morgans? [THR]
  
  
• Dancing With The Stars "star" Melissa Rycroft accidentally squirted Orlando Bloom girlfriend Miranda Kerr in the face with a perfume spritzer. We won't even go there.... [Page Six]
  
  
• Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher got into a huge tiff during a Friday concert and, apparently, the band's now broken up, because Noel thinks Liam's a "fucking moron." Fair enough. [The Sun]
  
  
• Fashion designer Tara Subkoff has bounced back after having a benign tumor removed from her brain. That's good news. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martha's Vineyard can't stop talking about Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Though the former first daughter's parents haven't said anything, everyone's convinced the nuptials could happen at any second. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna and boyfriend Jesus visited the Western Wall while in Israel. Hilarity ensued. (Well, not really.) [AP]

• Sherri Shepherd says she's been trying to help Andy Dick turn his life around by leading him to God. She says that he'd call her in the middle of the night seeking guidance and she even brought Dick to the Pentecostal church she attends but he wound up hitting on everyone there, including the pastor's wife. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Heidi Montag claims that her little boy-goblin husband delivers 20-30 orgasms per day for her. Imagine how much she'd get off if she were actually boning a real man on the regular! [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian's mouth may actually be bigger than her ass! Apparently, little sister Kourtney was trying to keep the name of the guy who knocked her up a secret to create drama on her new reality show, but Kim went and blabbered all over the damn place and screwed it all up. [Page Six]
  
  
• Is George Clooney gay? That's been the dirty little rumor for some time now, and now Brad Pitt is doing his best to fan the rumor flames, just as any good pal should. [Sun]
  
  
• Why don't the single ladies want to bone Nick Lachey? He reportedly went out to Avenue the other night and got a table and tried to get ladies to come over and hang with him, but he wound up having a party of one for most of the night. [Page Six]
  
  
• Somebody hired Lindsay Lohan! She's filming a movie right now in Texas titled, Machete. Sounds like a masterpiece, no? [Sun]
  
  
• Kanye West's girlfriend Amber Rose says that Kanye was undeterred by her past as a bi-sexual stripper when they started dating. Well, duh! [Mirror]
  
  
• Mischa Barton has one of the weirdest bodies ever! One day she'll look really slim and pretty in a photo and the next she'll be bloated and now she's riddled with cellulite in her legs. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Vincent Kartheiser, the guy who plays Pete Campbell on Mad Men, says that this season of the show will be especially brilliant and uses the word "asshole" a lot when talking about his character. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Good God Victoria Beckham looks like a monster in these photographs of her heading into work as a judge on American Idol. [Daily Mail]

• Whatever you do, don't make any sushi jokes around Jeremy Piven — he's sort of sensitive to them. Chris Kattan found this out backstage at a taping of Alexa Chung's MTV series. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• British actor/sissy-boy Robert Pattinson is so afraid of New York women that he's spending his idle time hanging out in bars in Long Island City, just to avoid being recognized by girls in Manhattan. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest at a cemetery in the Hollywood Hills, but the Jackson family is refusing to make the exact location public out of fear that someone might try to steal his body or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel hates Gwyneth Paltrow, so much so that she said Gwyneth makes her want to staple her eyelids shut. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's fetus fuck-toy, Jesus Luz, has decided that he's tired of modeling and is stretching his wings to try to become a prefessional DJ. This sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kyra Sedgwick says that being ripped off by Bernie Madoff has forced she and Kevin Bacon to embrace the "simpler things" in life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mariah Carey, feeling pressured by Whitney Houston's new release, is said to be feeling enormous anxiety about finishing up her new album. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's something different: Terri Irwin issued a denial that Steve Irwin's remains were fed to a crocodile in Australia after his death. [Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham looked ridiculously skeletal when she showed up for her debut as a judge on American Idol. She was also criticized by the show's staff for being wooden and too nice. [Daily Mail]

• The Mirror is reporting that Victoria Beckham will replace Paula Abdul as a judge on American Idol. They say she's already reached an agreement and will do work on the show despite her having expressed a previous desire to work in fashion exclusively. [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt says that he was a big pothead when he was younger, someone who'd just sit around and smoke all by himself. A "doughnut" is how he puts it. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sex and the City lass Kristin Davis has cut ties with OXFAM after a dispute over her endorsing a product manufactured in a "disputed" territory. [Page Six]
  
  
• So this weight loss company is paying K-Fed a million bucks to use their product and shed some pounds. Maybe this can be a new revenue stream for D-list celebs — pack on a bunch of pounds and then get someone like Jenny Craig to pay you to lose it using their products? [UK Sun]
  
  
• Tony Curtis claims in a new book that he had sex with Marilyn Monroe, which means that every virile man alive in the 1950s and 1960s had sex with Marilyn Monrow at some point, or so it seems anyway. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Method Man is suddenly apologetic for shooting up a fan in Houston after she asked him for an autograph. [TMZ]
  
  
• Former Saved by the Bell star Mark-Paul Gosselaar is giving stage acting a whirl, starring in a new off-Broadway play opening in November called The Understudy. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Before she got knocked up by Jude Law after running into him on the street after a club closed, Samantha Burke was a Hooters girl in Pensacola, Florida. [TMZ]

• Rumors are swirling that the fairy tale love affair between Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds might be coming to an end. There have been numerous reports of ugly public spats between the two of late and now it appears as though a recent fight just prior to Comic-Con caused Reynolds to cancel his appearance because he didn't want to be around his delicious wife. Scarlett reportedly got so mad that she ripped off her wedding ring and threw it at him or something. And now the producers of Green Latern are pissed at Reynolds for canceling the promotional appearance over a fight with his wife. Now, I don't usually give two shits about celebrity breakups, but these two potentially breaking up makes me kind of sad, which is sad in and of itself I guess. [Update: Reynolds' reps at 42 West contacted us and say this tale, first reported by FoxNews.com, and say that he was never going to go to Comic-Con so there was no appearance to cancel: "The story you have posted about Ryan Reynolds is completely untrue. Warner Brothers never planned to have Green Lantern as part of their panel at this year's Comic Con and Ryan is in Europe shooting a film."] [Fresh News]
  
  
• Why are the men of America shunning America's deformed-thumbed walking Halloween costume, Megan Fox? According to a few men's magazines (probably staffed by gay males), the mens are tired of the Megan Foxes. Personally, I'm torn on Megan Fox. I go back and forth a lot, but after seeing her humble, witty, self-depreciating appearance on Letterman a couple of weeks ago, I want to cuddle with her and eat blueberries and watch Silver Spoon reruns on TV Land. Just saying. [Daily News and Asylum]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli is getting over Leo DiCaprio by boning a "Brazilian playboy" named Ricardo. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• The ridiculously beautiful Kate Beckinsale celebrated her 36th birthday out on the town in LA with Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham. [Sun]
  
  
• Marilyn Manson has had enough of scumbag journalists saying bad things about him and he took to his Myspace page to issue a threat to all of them—If they write anything bad about him, Marilyn will eat their hearts in a teriyaki stir fry. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jay-Z got a huge book deal to write a tell-all autobiography and detail his past drug-dealing and womanizing and all that kind of stuff. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kid Rock is not a fan of Twitter. When asked what he thought about it he replied, "It's gay." Yep, Kid Rock is right again, and yes, I do have a Twitter account, so I can say that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Paris Hilton is all broken up about the sex tape that made her dumb ass one of the most famous people in the world. She claims that she was betrayed and blah, blah, blah, but I think she was in on it. I could be wrong. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Chabon is taking time off from writing books to launch an anti-circumcision campaign or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was all smiles as she returned back to work yesterday after a stint in a psychiatric ward. [Daily Mail]

• Katie Holmes thinks that she can dance (and sing!) so she appeared on So You Think You Can Dance last night to do a Judy Garland number, one that some think was choreographed by Tom Cruise. Her dancing was meh, her lip-syncing was God-awful, but it's probably the only way she can possibly make her husband's cock hard, sadly. Here's the video of the splendid event! [Mirror]
  
  
• Gerard Butler is worried that he's become a fat ass because he's lost his six-pack abs and has joined a private gym in Chelsea to work some of his hideous blubber off. [Page Six]
  
  
• People who know Kate Major, the former Star reporter now boning Jon Gosselin, say that she's a fame-whore who has been desperately seeking a meal ticket to stardom. Really? You don't say! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Nas did not let the fact that Kelis was giving birth to his child get in the way of his hard partying. Nas reportedly cavorted with young babes and swigged champagne while Kelis was in labor. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• When she wasn't performing on SYTYCD, Katie Holmes stayed home with the kids while Tom Cruise went out and had a threesome with David and Victoria Beckham. A dancing and partying threesome, not that kind of threesome, as far as we know anyway. [Page Six]
  
  
• The plane crash that nearly killed Travis Barker last year has brought he and Shanna Moakler back together again. [Page Six]
  
  
• In the event you've ever wondered what it would be like to watch Gwyneth Paltrow prepare and cook a chicken, now you know with this amazing video. [Guest of a Guest]
  
  
• We always had a feeling that Avril Lavigne was the type of girl who has booze poured down her gullet straight from the bottle, and now our suspicions have been confirmed. [Sun]
  
  
• For a woman of almost 40, hell a woman of any age, Gwen Stefani looks ridiculously good these days. Just look at these damn abs—Gerard Butler wishes he had these! [Daily Mail]

• Cameron Diaz is apparently boning Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law at the same time. She's been spotted out and about in London on "secret dates" with both of them, so yeah, she's taking both of them on the regular, no doubt. [Sun]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson drowned her sorrows after being dumped by Tony Romo by hitting the town with her girlfriends and sucking off a frat boy in the backseat of a Geo Prism. Actually, we're kidding about the last part. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got into a huge fight after Sam went out all night with Drea De Matteo and Lindsay went beserk with jealousy. Sam would up tossing all of Lilo's clothes out onto the street. Just another Saturday night for these kids really. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham has hired a personal spray-on tanner person to keep her looking perfectly bronzed at all times. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are engaged! Supposedly he called her up on stage during his stand-up act and dropped to one knee while she was on the stage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan was arrested and charged with DUI in Miami after having three drinks while looped up on Benadryl. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lady Gaga showed up on the set of a German TV show for an interview and was wearing a coat made out of miniature Kermit the Frogs. It's quite a sight to behold. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sienna Miller is not the world's best driver by any means, even for an actress. [Mirror]
  
  
• It now appears as though there will be no murder charges filed against Dr. Conrad Murray in the investigation of Michael Jackson's death. [Sun]

• Eva Longoria says that she likes to be dominated during sex, even tied up with fancy silk ties around her limbs. Yes please! [Sun]
  
  
• A warning to the ladies of Manhattan—Leonardo DiCaprio is on the prowl. He's been spotted with a posse of bros all over town trying to pick up tail by playing the "I'm the king of the world card." [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen isn't shy about going after what she wants. She recently proclaimed that she wanted to bone Snow Patrol's Gary Lightbody more than anyone in the world and basically invited him to come and get it. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kurt Anderson took a shot at Donald Trump in his new book and so naturally, the Donald fired off a retort, calling Anderson a "third rate writer." [Page Six]
  
  
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson, who recently shacked up with her boyfriend, said that she and Robert Pattinson, who recently knocked up a Twilight co-star, are "just friends." So now you know. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham is a big fan of Sex and the City or something because she's taking acting lessons in the hope of landing a part in the movie sequel. [Daily News]
  
  
• So sad. The band Kings of Leon seems on the verge of breaking up. Basically, they all hate each other and recently came close to canceling a number of European tour dates after another backstage scuffle. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Jackson allegedly had a string of gay lovers, including a Vegas construction worker who he was rumored to be head over heels for. [Sun]
  
  
• At 46 years-old, Demi Moore still looks pretty damn good in a bikini. Unfortunately, her husband is still a massive tool. [Daily Mail]

• Bradley Cooper, who cruelly and publicly stuck Jennifer Aniston in the friend zone recently, is probably boning Renee Zellweger right this minute because they were spotted eating together at an Upper East Side restaurant, where they were allegedly really into each other. Zellweger was overheard repeating the line "you're so funny" all night long. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kevin Jonas, the oldest of those little Jonas freaks, is engaged, so we guess he can shed that chastity ring and stop being a big, fat, stupid virgin soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Diane Keaton was rushed to the hospital after—Are you ready for this?—injuring herself in a sumo wrestling match! [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panetierre is appearing totally nude in the movie I Love You Beth Cooper. She says that she's got the goods so she might as well she them off. We agree! [Daily News]
  
  
• David and Victoria Beckham have now been married for a decade. The Daily Mirror has compiled a list of the Beckham's tips for making a celebrity marriage work. [Mirror]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer has fully dumped Topper and has moved on to boning some German aristocrat dude who works for Uma Thurman's boyfriend named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn. Yawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was kicked out of "the toilets" at a London club after she tried to sneak a girlfriend into a stall with her. A spy notes that Mischa looks as though she was having a "really good time." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In case you haven't already heard, Michael Jackson's will was examined by a court yesterday and he named Diana Ross as the "legal guardian" of his children. His ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, got nothing. [Mirror]
  
  
• A friend of Farrah Fawcett read a farewell letter written by Farrah to her son Redmond and her longtime love Ryan O'Neal that allegedly had everyone bawling. [Daily Mail]

• Angelina Jolie, growing increasingly uncomfortable with Jennifer Aniston sending "motivational texts" to Brad Pitt, has told Aniston to "back off" of her man who used to Aniston's man before she stole him from her. Why don't they just move to Utah and all get married and be one big, happy family? [Mirror]
  
  
• According to the author of a new book, Marlon Brando nailed Jackie O twice during a two day fling in 1964. The author said that Brando had written notes on the affair for his memoir, but Random House later insisted that the passage be cut. [Page Six]
  
  
• The allegedly rehabbed Lily Allen went out the other night and a paparazzi caught a photo of her with "white debris" all up in her nose. [Sun]
  
  
• Gavin DeGraw, Jason Mraz and Rob Thomas spill the beans on what it's like to be a musician on the road with lots of young ladies willing to give themselves to them. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan smokes cigarettes while she's sitting in the beautician's chair getting her hair did. But in her defense, that can take like, what, two whole hours or something? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham stepped out in a tanktop so that all the paparazzi could get a look at her brand new boobs. She recently had her third breast augmentation, a reduction this time. [Sun]
  
  
• Katy Perry posted a picture of herself nude in a bathtub with her privates covered by a pizza onto her Twitter account, and the Brits are all in a tizzy. [Sun]
  
  
• Joy Behar has called off her marriage to longtime boyfriend Steve Janowitz. She claims they're still together and that she just had another case of cold feet. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Russell Simmons has dumped the grapefruit heiress he's been dating for a model named Noemie Lenoir. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some New Orleans residents have started a movement to try to encourage Brad Pitt to run for mayor next year when Ray Nagin is term-limited out of office. [nola.com]
  
  
• Now that Seth Rogen has dropped a bunch of weight, expect gossip to float each time he gets caught eating too much of something good in public, like this Page Six item busting his balls for eating a bowl of pasta, [Page Six]

  pic via

• Jada Pinkett Smith says that she and husband Will keep their sex life spicy by going to parties at people's houses and sneaking off for a quick bang in the host's bedroom or closet or bathroom. Is this a Scientology thing? [Sun]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up again because they got into a huge fight over Nicole Ritchie, of all people, because Ritchie invited Ronson to a party but insisted that Lohan could not come with her. [DListed]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham recently had her third boob job, this time to reduce the ridiculous lady-mounds she enlarged so she'd fit in with the locals when she and the family moved to LA. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• No, Owen Wilson isn't hung up at all on Kate Hudson. He just dates a woman who look exactly like her, which of course will cause all of us to gossip and speculate endless that he is actually hung up on her. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Judd Apatow confirmed what many people have probably been thinking for quite some time—He is utterly horrible in bed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Larry David loves New York for its distinct smell of urine and because it's virtually impossible to get someone to give you change for a ride on the bus. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Former New York Giant defensive end Michael Strahan is engaged to Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse's amazingly astute parents think that all of Amy's drinking might have the potential to, you know, kill her! [Sun]
  
  
• Why does Megan Fox hate children who attempt to give her flowers? [DListed]
  
  
• Guy Ritchie is enjoying the single life in London now that he's rid himself of that addicted to African adoptions wife of his. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Britney Spears took a break from terrorizing London's nightlife to take her kids to the zoo over there. [Sun]
  
  
• In honor of his dead friend, Johnny Depp has named a beach on his private island after Heath Ledger. [Mirror]

• After dropping hints that she might be marrying him this summer, Paris Hilton dumped Douglas Reinhardt after they got into a huge fight at a club in Hollywood on Tuesday night after he was making the rap with another girl or something. Her friends are said to be quite pleased about this, saying that Doug was "a douche just like everyone tried to tell her and that he was only dating her for publicity." Poor Paris. When will she ever find true love? [Sun]
  
  
• Shia Labeouf thinks that it's "so freaking outrageous" that some dirty-minded people out there actually think that he has sex with his mother. He wants everybody to know that they only give each other handjobs. [The Hot Hits]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham pranced around London wearing a see-through blouse, seemingly unaware that her boobies were in plain view. So if you've ever wanted to see her breasticles, follow the link. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jessica Alba is being investigated by police in Oklahoma City on vandalism charges for splattering posters of dead sharks all over town or something. [Yahoo]
  
  
• Susan Boyle is set to sing today for the first time since losing her mind during the run of Britain's Got Talent. No word on whether or not she'll be holding her cat Pebbles while she performs to keep her sane. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven is back in town douching it up all over the place, but he's still making time to warn everyone about the horrors of mercury poisoning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West and his ex, Amber Rose, have been spending a lot of time together. She even showed up at his birthday party at the Spotted Pig the other night. [Page Six]
  
  
• It looks as though Katie Holmes will be appearing on the next season of the Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance. Tom is going to be so jealous! [Just Jared]
  
  
• Heather Graham's nipples are quite the sight to behold popping out of that lovely blue dress darling. Not exactly Victoria Beckham territory, but still—Wow. [Dlisted]

MisterHippity's new line beats the original, "Wait Now I Can't Remember. Was She 'Ginger', Or Was She 'Sexy'?"

• Rihanna might be a "loser" to Donald Trump for going back to Chris "I Will Kill You" Brown, but the singer presumably hopes the epic duet she's recording with Brown will set everyone straight. Decide for yourself if Rihanna deserves the inevitable late-night jokes about her "smash hit" and so forth.
• Marc Jacobs explained Photoshop shrinkage to Victoria Beckham. Concerning his nude photo in January's Harper's Bazzar: "They've done this horrible thing, Victoria. They've airbrushed me, so I look like a Ken doll." [WWD]
• Alec Baldwin doesn't care if you're 11 years old, or 12 years old, or a child — you will watch his Turner Classic Movies cinema showcase show when the appointed time comes, Saturday 8 pm, and have the decency to have the God-d*maned television turned on! [Variety]
• Eighteen months from blissful wedding to bitter divorce and the gossip columns. It's another JDate success story. Literally! [P6]
  
• Quentin Tarantino is going around town dressed like a bum. [P6]
  
• Now Paris Hilton has attached herself to Douglas Reinhardt from The Hills. It's too late to use tape recordings of their conversations on prisoners at Gitmo. [Mirror]